Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 12 - Spam - full transcript
World revolutionaries are quizzed about football scores; figures from works of art go on strike throughout galleries in England; the search continues for a cure for over-acting; Viking marauders kidnap Englishmen who ask for canne...
Come on.
And now for something
completely different...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Thank you very much
for the change
Mr. tobacconist.
Was that all right?
Shh! shh!
Uh... hah...
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
Sorry?
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
No, no, no.
This... tobacconist's.
Ah!
I will not buy
this tobacconist's.
It is scratched.
No, no, no, no.
Tobacco.
um... cigarettes.
Yah.
yeah?
Yah. cigarettes. yah.
Uh... uh... yah.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
My hovercraft...
Is full of eels.
Matches. matches.
Yah, yah,
yah, yah, yah.
Do you want...
Do you want...
To come back
to my place...
Bouncy bouncy?
I don't think
you're using that right.
You great poof.
Um... that'll be six and six,
please.
If I said
you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?
I-i am no longer infected.
Um... may i? may i?
Yah, yah, yah.
It costs
six and six...
Costs six and... ah!
Here we are. um...
Yandelvayasna grldenwi
Stravenka.
What's going
on here, then?
Ah! you have
beautiful thighs.
What?
He hit me.
Drop your panties,
sir william.
I cannot wait
till lunchtime.
Right!
My nipples
Explode with delight.
Call alexander yahlt.
Call alexander yahlt
Call alexander yahlt
Call alexander yahlt.
Oh, shut up!
You are
alexander yahlt?
Oh, I am.
Skip the
impersonations.
You are
alexander yahlt?
I am.
You are hereby charged
That on the 28th day of may,
You did willfully, unlawfully,
and with malice aforethought
Publish an alleged
english/hungarian phrase book
With intent
To cause a breach
of the peace.
How do you plead?
Not guilty.
You live at 46 horton terrace?
I do live at 46 horton terrace.
You are the director
of a publishing company?
I am the director
of a publishing company.
Your company
publishes phrase books?
My company does publish
phrase books.
You did say 46 horton terrace,
did you?
Yes.
Hah! got him!
Get on with it.
Get on with it.
Yes, m'lord.
On the 28th day of may
You published
this phrase book.
I did.
I quote an example.
The hungarian phrase
meaning
"can you direct me
to the station"
Is translated
by the english phrase
"please fondle my bum."
I wish to plead incompetence.
Please, may I ask for
an adjournment, m'lord?
Adjournment? certainly not.
Why on earth didn't you say
why you wanted an adjournment?
I didn't know an
acceptable legal
phrase, m'lord.
If there's any more stock film
of women applauding
I shall clear the court.
Call abigail tesler.
M'lord, this
is abigail tesler.
Is it?
Yes, m'lord.
23-year-old abigail
hails from down under
Where they're
upside down about her.
Those aussies certainly
know a thing or two
When it comes to beach belles.
Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind
giving her the kiss of life.
So watch out for the sharks,
abigail.
Journalist
"is this strictly relevant?"
Quizzed learned lovely,
justice maltravers.
78-year-old justice
hails from esher
And he's been making
a big name for himself
At the recent assizes
at exeter.
"all will be revealed soon,
m'lord"
Quipped tall, 42-year-old
nelson bedowes, cutie q.c.
Nelson's keen on negligence
And grievous bodily harm
at gray's inn.
And with cases like he's won
We bet gray's in
when nelson's around.
"well, get on with it"
Admitted 78-year-old
genial jurisprude maltravers
Seen here at london airport
on his way to judge for britain
At the famous international
court at the hague.
Get off!
Good evening.
Tonight is indeed
a unique occasion
In the history of television.
We are very privileged
and deeply honored
To have with us in the studio
karl marx
Founder of modern socialism
And author
of the communist manifesto.
Vladimir ilich ulyanov
Better known to the world
as lenin
Leader of the russian
revolution, writer, statesman
And father of modern communism.
Che guevara
The cuban guerrilla leader
And mao tse tung
Leader of the chinese
communist party since 1949.
And the first question
is for you, karl marx.
"the hammers."
"'the hammers' is the nickname
of what english football team?"
The hammers?
No? well, bad luck there, karl.
So we go on to you, che.
Che guevara.
"coventry city last won
the f.a. cup in what year?"
No?
I'll throw it open.
"coventry city last won
the f.a. cup in what year?"
No? well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that.
It was in fact a trick question.
Coventry city have never won
the f.a. cup.
So, with the scores
all equal now
We go on to our second round
And, lenin,
it's your starter for ten.
"teddy johnson
and pearl carr
"won the eurovision
song contest in 1959.
What was the name
of the song?"
Teddy johnson
and pearl carr's song
In the 1959
song contest?
Anybody? no?
Yes, mao tse-tung.
"sing little birdie"?
Yes, it was indeed.
Well challenged.
Well, now we come on
to our special gift section.
The contestant is karl marx
And the prize this week
is a beautiful lounge suite.
Now, karl has elected
to answer questions
On the workers' control
of factories
So here we go
with question number one.
You nervous?
"the development
of the industrial proletariat
Is conditioned
by what other development?"
The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.
Yes. yes. yes, indeed.
You're on your way
to your lounge suite, karl.
Question number two:
"the struggle
of class against class
Is a what struggle?"
"a what struggle?"
A political struggle.
Yes. yes.
One final question, karl
And the beautiful lounge suite
will be yours.
You going to have a go?
You're a brave man.
Karl marx,
your final question:
"who won the cup final
in 1949?"
Uh... the workers control
the means of production.
The struggle
of the urban proletariat.
No. it was in fact
wolverhampton wanderers
Who beat leicester 3-1.
Ah. thank you.
Just the word
I was looking for.
"I wonder," said la farge
"just how much molineux."
Hey!
That's the bad jokes.
And now a bit of fun.
Jenkins?
Yes, sarge?
What you gonna do when
you get back to blighty?
I don't know, sarge.
I 'spect I'll be looking
after me mum.
She'll be getting on
a bit now.
Got family of your
own, have you?
No, she's...
She's all I got left now.
My wife doreen, she...
I got a letter.
You don't have
to tell me, son.
No, sarge, I'd like
to tell you.
See... this place...
Hold it!
Hold it!
Look, loves, can anyone
not involved in this scene
Please leave the set?
Now, come on. please.
Anyone not concerned
in this scene.
The canteen's open
upstairs.
Now, come on, please.
Sorry, loves, sorry.
We'll have to take it again
from the top, all right?
Okay.
Cue!
Hold it!
Hold it!
Now, who changed the caption?
Can whoever changed the caption
Put the right one back
immediately, please?
Right. all right, we'll
take it again from the top. cue.
Hold it!
Hold it!
Come on, come on,
out of there!
You're not in this.
You're just holding
the whole thing up.
Come on, please.
It's no good, loves,
it's no good.
We'll have to leave
it for now.
Come back when everyone's
settled down a bit.
So that means we
go over to the art
room, all right?
So, cue camera three.
Sorry! camera four.
Aren't they marvelous?
Yes, yes.
The strength and boldness...
Life and power
in those colors.
This must be
titian's masterpiece.
Oh, indeed, if only for
the composition alone.
The strength
of those foreground figures
The firmness of the line.
Yes, the confidence
of a master at the
height of his powers.
Yes?
Hello, sonny.
your dad in?
Yes.
Could I speak
to him, please?
It's the man
from "the hay-wain."
Who?
The man from "the hay-wain"
by constable.
Dad! it's the man
from "the hay-wain"
By constable
to see you.
Coming.
Hello.
How are you?
come on in.
Oh, no, no.
can't stop.
Just passing by, actually.
Oh. where are you now?
Well may you ask.
We've just been moved in
next to a roomful of bruegels.
Terrible bloody din--
skating all hours of the night.
Anyway, I've just dropped in
to tell you
There's been a walkout
in the impressionists.
Walkout, eh?
Yeah. it started with
the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot.
Evidently, they were moved away
From above the radiator
or something.
Anyway, the impressionists
are all out.
Gainsborough's blue boy's
brought out the 18th-century
english portraits
The flemish school's solid,
and the german woodcuts
are at a meeting now.
Right. well, I'll get
the renaissance school out.
Okay. meeting 4:30--
"bridge at arles."
Okay. cheerio.
good luck, son.
Good luck.
Right. everybody out!
I'm off.
I'm off.
I'm off.
I'm off.
I'm off, dear.
I'm off.
I'm off, too.
I'm off.
Here is the news.
By an almost unanimous vote
paintings
in the national gallery
voted to continue the strike
that has emptied frames
for the last week.
The man from constable's
"the hay-wain"
said last night
that there was no chance
of a return to the pictures
before the weekend.
Sir kenneth clarke has said
he will talk to any painting
if it can help bring
a speedy end to the strike.
At sotheby's,
prices dropped dramatically
as leading figures
left their paintings.
What am I bid for vermeer's
"lady who used to be
at a window"?
Do I hear two bob?
Two bob!
Gone.
Now what am I bid
for another great bargain--
Edwin landseer's
"nothing at bay"?
All we bloody want
Is a little bit
of bloody consultation.
At a mass meeting
at brentford football ground
Other works of art
voted to come out
In support of the paintings.
The vote was unanimous...
With one abstention.
Meanwhile at television centre
work began again
on a sketch about ypres.
A spokesman for the sketch
said he fully expected it
to be more sensible this time.
Jenkins?
Yes, sarge?
What you gonna do
When you get back
to blighty?
I don't know, sarge.
I 'spect I'll look
after me mum.
She'll be getting on
a bit now.
Got a family of
your own, have you?
No. she-she's all
I got left now.
My wife doreen, she...
I got a letter.
You don't have
to tell me, son.
No, sarge,
I'd like to tell you.
You see, this bloke
from up the street...
Okay, chaps.
At ease.
I've just been
up the line.
Can we get
through, sir?
No. I'm afraid
we'll have to make
A break for it
at nightfall.
Right, sir.
We're all with you.
Yes, I know.
That's just the
problem, sergeant.
How many are
there of us?
Well, sir, there's
you, me, jenkins
Padre, kipper--
there's five, sir.
And only rations
for...
Four, sir.
Precisely.
I'm afraid one of us
Will have to take
the other way out.
I'm a goner, major.
Leave me.
I'm... I'm not
a complete man anymore.
You've lost both
your arms as well.
Yes.
Damn silly, really.
No, no, we'll draw for it.
That's the way we do
things in the army.
Sergeant, the straws.
Righto.
All right.
Now, the man who gets
the shortest straw
Knows what to do.
Looks like
You, sir.
Is it? oh, what did we say--
"the longest straw," was it?
No. shortest, sir.
Well, we better
do it again.
There's obviously been
a bit of a muddle.
There we go.
Best of three?
Right.
Well, I got
the shortest straw, so...
I decide what means we use
to decide who's going to do...
To-to-to, uh, to, uh,
to do the thing...
To do the right thing.
Now, rank doesn't enter
into this.
But obviously, if I should
get through the lines
I'll be in a very good position
to recommend anyone very highly
For a posthumous v.c.
No? good, fine.
Fine, fine,
fine, fine.
Right.
Dip, dip, dip,
my little ship
Sails on the ocean,
you are...
No, no, wait
a minute.
Um... i-i-i must have
missed out a dip.
We'll start again.
Dip, dip, dip, dip,
my little ship
Sails on the ocean,
you are...
No, this is not
working out.
It-it's not
working out.
Uh, what-what
shall we do?
How about
one potato, two potato, sir?
Don't be childish,
jenkins.
No, um, I think-
I think fisties
Would be best.
Okay? so, uh,
hands behind backs.
After "three," okay?
One, two, three!
Now, what's this?
Uh, stone, stone, stone
and scissors.
Now, uh, scissors
cut everything, don't they?
Not stones, sir.
They're very good
scissors.
And padre
hasn't been!
No arms, sir.
Oh, I'm
terribly sorry.
I-i-i-i'm afraid
I didn't, um...
Tell you what--
all those people
Who don't want
to stay here
And shoot themselves.
raise their arms.
Stop it! stop it!
Stop this... this
hideous facade.
E... easy, padre.
No, no, I must speak.
When i... when I came
To this war, I had two arms--
two good arms
But when the time came to...
to lose one, i...
I gave it-- I gave it gladly.
I smiled as they cut it off
Because I knew there was
a future for mankind. i...
I knew there was hope
So long as men were prepared
to give their limbs!
And when the time came for me
to give my other arm, i...
I gave it gladly, i...
I sang as they sawed it off,
because I believed--
Oh, you may laugh!--
But I believed
with every fiber of my body
With every drop of rain
that falls
A... a flower grows.
And that flower--
That small, agile,
delicate flower--
Shall burst forth
To give a new life
A new strength!
...there is freedom--
freedom from fear
Freedom from oppression
and freedom from tyranny.
A world where men and women
of all races and creeds
Can live together in communion.
And then in the twilight
of this life
Our children
and our children's children...
Our patients here
Are suffering
from severe overacting.
Argh! jim, lad!
Argh! jim, lad!
When they're brought in,
they're all really over the top.
It's our job to try and treat
the condition of overacting.
Rather serious.
This is the richard iii ward.
A horse. a horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Most of these cases
are pretty unpleasant.
A horse!
Nurse?
A horse!
My kingdom for...
But the treatment does work
with some people.
This chap came to us
Straight from the
chichester festival.
We operated just in time,
and now he's almost normal.
A horse, a horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Argh! argh!
argh! argh!
Argh! argh!
argh! argh!
But, uh, in here,
we have some very nasty
Cases, indeed.
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
To be...
to be...
Oh.
oh.
Good evening.
First, take a bunch of flowers:
Pretty begonias, irises,
freesias
And cry-manthesums.
Then...
Arrange them...
Nicely...
In a vase!
Oh, get in!
Get in!
Get in! oh...!
Shh!
Morning.
Morning!
What you got, then?
Well, there's egg and bacon.
Uh, egg, sausage and bacon.
Egg and spam.
Egg, bacon and spam.
Egg, bacon, sausage
and spam.
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.
Spam, egg, spam, spam,
bacon and spam.
Spam, spam
Spam, egg and spam.
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, baked beans
Spam, spam, spam
and spam.
Or lobster thermidor
aux crevettes with mornay sauce
Garnished with truffle pate,
brandy, and a fried egg on top
And spam.
Have you got anything
without spam in it?
Well, spam, egg, sausage
and spam.
It's not got much spam in it.
I don't want any spam!
Why can't she have
egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
That's got spam in it!
Not as much as spam,
egg, sausage and spam.
Look, could I have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
Without the spam?
Ugh!
What do you mean "ugh"?
I don't like spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
Wonderful spam!
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
Shut up! shut up!
Shut up! shut up!
lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
You can't have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
Without the spam.
Why not?!
Well, it wouldn't be egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
Would it?
I don't like spam!!!
Oh, don't make a fuss, dear.
I'll have your spam.
I love it! I'm having
spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam...
....spam, baked beans,
spam, spam and spam!
Baked beans are off.
Well, can I have
spam instead?
You mean spam, spam,
spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Wonderful spam!
yes!
Ugh!
Lovely spam!
Shut up! shut up!
"oh, great boobies, honey bun.
"my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
"spam, spam...
Shut up!
"my nipples explode..."
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
Another great viking victory
Was at the green midget cafe
in bromley.
Once again, the viking strategy
was the same.
They sailed
from these fjords here
Assembled at trondheim
And waited for the strong
northeasterly winds
To blow their oaken galleys
to england
Whence they sailed
on may the 23rd.
Once in bromley, they assembled
in the green midget cafe
And spam selecting a spam
particular spam item
From the spam menu would...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam...!
Shut up!
Haagbard etheldronga
and his viking hordes
Are currently appearing
in grin and pillage it
At the jodrell theatre,
colwyn bay.
The dirty hungarian phrase book
is available
From her majesty's
stationery office.
Price-- a kiss on the bum.
And now for something
completely different...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Thank you very much
for the change
Mr. tobacconist.
Was that all right?
Shh! shh!
Uh... hah...
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
Sorry?
I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
No, no, no.
This... tobacconist's.
Ah!
I will not buy
this tobacconist's.
It is scratched.
No, no, no, no.
Tobacco.
um... cigarettes.
Yah.
yeah?
Yah. cigarettes. yah.
Uh... uh... yah.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
My hovercraft...
Is full of eels.
Matches. matches.
Yah, yah,
yah, yah, yah.
Do you want...
Do you want...
To come back
to my place...
Bouncy bouncy?
I don't think
you're using that right.
You great poof.
Um... that'll be six and six,
please.
If I said
you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me?
I-i am no longer infected.
Um... may i? may i?
Yah, yah, yah.
It costs
six and six...
Costs six and... ah!
Here we are. um...
Yandelvayasna grldenwi
Stravenka.
What's going
on here, then?
Ah! you have
beautiful thighs.
What?
He hit me.
Drop your panties,
sir william.
I cannot wait
till lunchtime.
Right!
My nipples
Explode with delight.
Call alexander yahlt.
Call alexander yahlt
Call alexander yahlt
Call alexander yahlt.
Oh, shut up!
You are
alexander yahlt?
Oh, I am.
Skip the
impersonations.
You are
alexander yahlt?
I am.
You are hereby charged
That on the 28th day of may,
You did willfully, unlawfully,
and with malice aforethought
Publish an alleged
english/hungarian phrase book
With intent
To cause a breach
of the peace.
How do you plead?
Not guilty.
You live at 46 horton terrace?
I do live at 46 horton terrace.
You are the director
of a publishing company?
I am the director
of a publishing company.
Your company
publishes phrase books?
My company does publish
phrase books.
You did say 46 horton terrace,
did you?
Yes.
Hah! got him!
Get on with it.
Get on with it.
Yes, m'lord.
On the 28th day of may
You published
this phrase book.
I did.
I quote an example.
The hungarian phrase
meaning
"can you direct me
to the station"
Is translated
by the english phrase
"please fondle my bum."
I wish to plead incompetence.
Please, may I ask for
an adjournment, m'lord?
Adjournment? certainly not.
Why on earth didn't you say
why you wanted an adjournment?
I didn't know an
acceptable legal
phrase, m'lord.
If there's any more stock film
of women applauding
I shall clear the court.
Call abigail tesler.
M'lord, this
is abigail tesler.
Is it?
Yes, m'lord.
23-year-old abigail
hails from down under
Where they're
upside down about her.
Those aussies certainly
know a thing or two
When it comes to beach belles.
Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind
giving her the kiss of life.
So watch out for the sharks,
abigail.
Journalist
"is this strictly relevant?"
Quizzed learned lovely,
justice maltravers.
78-year-old justice
hails from esher
And he's been making
a big name for himself
At the recent assizes
at exeter.
"all will be revealed soon,
m'lord"
Quipped tall, 42-year-old
nelson bedowes, cutie q.c.
Nelson's keen on negligence
And grievous bodily harm
at gray's inn.
And with cases like he's won
We bet gray's in
when nelson's around.
"well, get on with it"
Admitted 78-year-old
genial jurisprude maltravers
Seen here at london airport
on his way to judge for britain
At the famous international
court at the hague.
Get off!
Good evening.
Tonight is indeed
a unique occasion
In the history of television.
We are very privileged
and deeply honored
To have with us in the studio
karl marx
Founder of modern socialism
And author
of the communist manifesto.
Vladimir ilich ulyanov
Better known to the world
as lenin
Leader of the russian
revolution, writer, statesman
And father of modern communism.
Che guevara
The cuban guerrilla leader
And mao tse tung
Leader of the chinese
communist party since 1949.
And the first question
is for you, karl marx.
"the hammers."
"'the hammers' is the nickname
of what english football team?"
The hammers?
No? well, bad luck there, karl.
So we go on to you, che.
Che guevara.
"coventry city last won
the f.a. cup in what year?"
No?
I'll throw it open.
"coventry city last won
the f.a. cup in what year?"
No? well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that.
It was in fact a trick question.
Coventry city have never won
the f.a. cup.
So, with the scores
all equal now
We go on to our second round
And, lenin,
it's your starter for ten.
"teddy johnson
and pearl carr
"won the eurovision
song contest in 1959.
What was the name
of the song?"
Teddy johnson
and pearl carr's song
In the 1959
song contest?
Anybody? no?
Yes, mao tse-tung.
"sing little birdie"?
Yes, it was indeed.
Well challenged.
Well, now we come on
to our special gift section.
The contestant is karl marx
And the prize this week
is a beautiful lounge suite.
Now, karl has elected
to answer questions
On the workers' control
of factories
So here we go
with question number one.
You nervous?
"the development
of the industrial proletariat
Is conditioned
by what other development?"
The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.
Yes. yes. yes, indeed.
You're on your way
to your lounge suite, karl.
Question number two:
"the struggle
of class against class
Is a what struggle?"
"a what struggle?"
A political struggle.
Yes. yes.
One final question, karl
And the beautiful lounge suite
will be yours.
You going to have a go?
You're a brave man.
Karl marx,
your final question:
"who won the cup final
in 1949?"
Uh... the workers control
the means of production.
The struggle
of the urban proletariat.
No. it was in fact
wolverhampton wanderers
Who beat leicester 3-1.
Ah. thank you.
Just the word
I was looking for.
"I wonder," said la farge
"just how much molineux."
Hey!
That's the bad jokes.
And now a bit of fun.
Jenkins?
Yes, sarge?
What you gonna do when
you get back to blighty?
I don't know, sarge.
I 'spect I'll be looking
after me mum.
She'll be getting on
a bit now.
Got family of your
own, have you?
No, she's...
She's all I got left now.
My wife doreen, she...
I got a letter.
You don't have
to tell me, son.
No, sarge, I'd like
to tell you.
See... this place...
Hold it!
Hold it!
Look, loves, can anyone
not involved in this scene
Please leave the set?
Now, come on. please.
Anyone not concerned
in this scene.
The canteen's open
upstairs.
Now, come on, please.
Sorry, loves, sorry.
We'll have to take it again
from the top, all right?
Okay.
Cue!
Hold it!
Hold it!
Now, who changed the caption?
Can whoever changed the caption
Put the right one back
immediately, please?
Right. all right, we'll
take it again from the top. cue.
Hold it!
Hold it!
Come on, come on,
out of there!
You're not in this.
You're just holding
the whole thing up.
Come on, please.
It's no good, loves,
it's no good.
We'll have to leave
it for now.
Come back when everyone's
settled down a bit.
So that means we
go over to the art
room, all right?
So, cue camera three.
Sorry! camera four.
Aren't they marvelous?
Yes, yes.
The strength and boldness...
Life and power
in those colors.
This must be
titian's masterpiece.
Oh, indeed, if only for
the composition alone.
The strength
of those foreground figures
The firmness of the line.
Yes, the confidence
of a master at the
height of his powers.
Yes?
Hello, sonny.
your dad in?
Yes.
Could I speak
to him, please?
It's the man
from "the hay-wain."
Who?
The man from "the hay-wain"
by constable.
Dad! it's the man
from "the hay-wain"
By constable
to see you.
Coming.
Hello.
How are you?
come on in.
Oh, no, no.
can't stop.
Just passing by, actually.
Oh. where are you now?
Well may you ask.
We've just been moved in
next to a roomful of bruegels.
Terrible bloody din--
skating all hours of the night.
Anyway, I've just dropped in
to tell you
There's been a walkout
in the impressionists.
Walkout, eh?
Yeah. it started with
the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot.
Evidently, they were moved away
From above the radiator
or something.
Anyway, the impressionists
are all out.
Gainsborough's blue boy's
brought out the 18th-century
english portraits
The flemish school's solid,
and the german woodcuts
are at a meeting now.
Right. well, I'll get
the renaissance school out.
Okay. meeting 4:30--
"bridge at arles."
Okay. cheerio.
good luck, son.
Good luck.
Right. everybody out!
I'm off.
I'm off.
I'm off.
I'm off.
I'm off, dear.
I'm off.
I'm off, too.
I'm off.
Here is the news.
By an almost unanimous vote
paintings
in the national gallery
voted to continue the strike
that has emptied frames
for the last week.
The man from constable's
"the hay-wain"
said last night
that there was no chance
of a return to the pictures
before the weekend.
Sir kenneth clarke has said
he will talk to any painting
if it can help bring
a speedy end to the strike.
At sotheby's,
prices dropped dramatically
as leading figures
left their paintings.
What am I bid for vermeer's
"lady who used to be
at a window"?
Do I hear two bob?
Two bob!
Gone.
Now what am I bid
for another great bargain--
Edwin landseer's
"nothing at bay"?
All we bloody want
Is a little bit
of bloody consultation.
At a mass meeting
at brentford football ground
Other works of art
voted to come out
In support of the paintings.
The vote was unanimous...
With one abstention.
Meanwhile at television centre
work began again
on a sketch about ypres.
A spokesman for the sketch
said he fully expected it
to be more sensible this time.
Jenkins?
Yes, sarge?
What you gonna do
When you get back
to blighty?
I don't know, sarge.
I 'spect I'll look
after me mum.
She'll be getting on
a bit now.
Got a family of
your own, have you?
No. she-she's all
I got left now.
My wife doreen, she...
I got a letter.
You don't have
to tell me, son.
No, sarge,
I'd like to tell you.
You see, this bloke
from up the street...
Okay, chaps.
At ease.
I've just been
up the line.
Can we get
through, sir?
No. I'm afraid
we'll have to make
A break for it
at nightfall.
Right, sir.
We're all with you.
Yes, I know.
That's just the
problem, sergeant.
How many are
there of us?
Well, sir, there's
you, me, jenkins
Padre, kipper--
there's five, sir.
And only rations
for...
Four, sir.
Precisely.
I'm afraid one of us
Will have to take
the other way out.
I'm a goner, major.
Leave me.
I'm... I'm not
a complete man anymore.
You've lost both
your arms as well.
Yes.
Damn silly, really.
No, no, we'll draw for it.
That's the way we do
things in the army.
Sergeant, the straws.
Righto.
All right.
Now, the man who gets
the shortest straw
Knows what to do.
Looks like
You, sir.
Is it? oh, what did we say--
"the longest straw," was it?
No. shortest, sir.
Well, we better
do it again.
There's obviously been
a bit of a muddle.
There we go.
Best of three?
Right.
Well, I got
the shortest straw, so...
I decide what means we use
to decide who's going to do...
To-to-to, uh, to, uh,
to do the thing...
To do the right thing.
Now, rank doesn't enter
into this.
But obviously, if I should
get through the lines
I'll be in a very good position
to recommend anyone very highly
For a posthumous v.c.
No? good, fine.
Fine, fine,
fine, fine.
Right.
Dip, dip, dip,
my little ship
Sails on the ocean,
you are...
No, no, wait
a minute.
Um... i-i-i must have
missed out a dip.
We'll start again.
Dip, dip, dip, dip,
my little ship
Sails on the ocean,
you are...
No, this is not
working out.
It-it's not
working out.
Uh, what-what
shall we do?
How about
one potato, two potato, sir?
Don't be childish,
jenkins.
No, um, I think-
I think fisties
Would be best.
Okay? so, uh,
hands behind backs.
After "three," okay?
One, two, three!
Now, what's this?
Uh, stone, stone, stone
and scissors.
Now, uh, scissors
cut everything, don't they?
Not stones, sir.
They're very good
scissors.
And padre
hasn't been!
No arms, sir.
Oh, I'm
terribly sorry.
I-i-i-i'm afraid
I didn't, um...
Tell you what--
all those people
Who don't want
to stay here
And shoot themselves.
raise their arms.
Stop it! stop it!
Stop this... this
hideous facade.
E... easy, padre.
No, no, I must speak.
When i... when I came
To this war, I had two arms--
two good arms
But when the time came to...
to lose one, i...
I gave it-- I gave it gladly.
I smiled as they cut it off
Because I knew there was
a future for mankind. i...
I knew there was hope
So long as men were prepared
to give their limbs!
And when the time came for me
to give my other arm, i...
I gave it gladly, i...
I sang as they sawed it off,
because I believed--
Oh, you may laugh!--
But I believed
with every fiber of my body
With every drop of rain
that falls
A... a flower grows.
And that flower--
That small, agile,
delicate flower--
Shall burst forth
To give a new life
A new strength!
...there is freedom--
freedom from fear
Freedom from oppression
and freedom from tyranny.
A world where men and women
of all races and creeds
Can live together in communion.
And then in the twilight
of this life
Our children
and our children's children...
Our patients here
Are suffering
from severe overacting.
Argh! jim, lad!
Argh! jim, lad!
When they're brought in,
they're all really over the top.
It's our job to try and treat
the condition of overacting.
Rather serious.
This is the richard iii ward.
A horse. a horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Most of these cases
are pretty unpleasant.
A horse!
Nurse?
A horse!
My kingdom for...
But the treatment does work
with some people.
This chap came to us
Straight from the
chichester festival.
We operated just in time,
and now he's almost normal.
A horse, a horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Argh! argh!
argh! argh!
Argh! argh!
argh! argh!
But, uh, in here,
we have some very nasty
Cases, indeed.
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
To be...
to be...
Oh.
oh.
Good evening.
First, take a bunch of flowers:
Pretty begonias, irises,
freesias
And cry-manthesums.
Then...
Arrange them...
Nicely...
In a vase!
Oh, get in!
Get in!
Get in! oh...!
Shh!
Morning.
Morning!
What you got, then?
Well, there's egg and bacon.
Uh, egg, sausage and bacon.
Egg and spam.
Egg, bacon and spam.
Egg, bacon, sausage
and spam.
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.
Spam, egg, spam, spam,
bacon and spam.
Spam, spam
Spam, egg and spam.
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, baked beans
Spam, spam, spam
and spam.
Or lobster thermidor
aux crevettes with mornay sauce
Garnished with truffle pate,
brandy, and a fried egg on top
And spam.
Have you got anything
without spam in it?
Well, spam, egg, sausage
and spam.
It's not got much spam in it.
I don't want any spam!
Why can't she have
egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
That's got spam in it!
Not as much as spam,
egg, sausage and spam.
Look, could I have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
Without the spam?
Ugh!
What do you mean "ugh"?
I don't like spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
Wonderful spam!
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
Shut up! shut up!
Shut up! shut up!
lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
You can't have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
Without the spam.
Why not?!
Well, it wouldn't be egg,
bacon, spam and sausage
Would it?
I don't like spam!!!
Oh, don't make a fuss, dear.
I'll have your spam.
I love it! I'm having
spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam...
....spam, baked beans,
spam, spam and spam!
Baked beans are off.
Well, can I have
spam instead?
You mean spam, spam,
spam, spam...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Wonderful spam!
yes!
Ugh!
Lovely spam!
Shut up! shut up!
"oh, great boobies, honey bun.
"my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
"spam, spam...
Shut up!
"my nipples explode..."
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
Another great viking victory
Was at the green midget cafe
in bromley.
Once again, the viking strategy
was the same.
They sailed
from these fjords here
Assembled at trondheim
And waited for the strong
northeasterly winds
To blow their oaken galleys
to england
Whence they sailed
on may the 23rd.
Once in bromley, they assembled
in the green midget cafe
And spam selecting a spam
particular spam item
From the spam menu would...
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam
spam, spam, spam, spam
Lovely spam!
wonderful spam...!
Shut up!
Haagbard etheldronga
and his viking hordes
Are currently appearing
in grin and pillage it
At the jodrell theatre,
colwyn bay.
The dirty hungarian phrase book
is available
From her majesty's
stationery office.
Price-- a kiss on the bum.