Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 11 - How Not to Be Seen - full transcript

Come in.

Ah, frog.

S. frog.

Shut up.

I want to have
a word with you, frog.

S. frog, sir.
shut up.

It's about your
advertising campaign

For conquistador coffee.

Now, I've had
the managing director

Of conquistador to see me
this morning

And he's very unhappy
with your campaign.



Very unhappy.

In fact, he shot himself.

Badly, sir?

No. extremely well.

Well, before he went

He left a note
with the company secretary.

The effect of which was
how disappointed he was

With your work
and in particular

Why you would change the name

"conquistador instant coffee" to
"conquistador instant leprosy."

Why, frog?

S. frog, sir.

Shut up.

Why did you do it?



It was a joke.

A joke?

No. no, not a joke.

A sales campaign.

I see, frog.

S. frog, sir.

Shut up.

Now, let's have a look
at the sales chart.

When you took over
this account, frog

Conquistador was
brand leader.

Here you introduced
your first campaign--

"conquistador coffee
brings a new meaning

To the word 'vomit'."

Here you made your special
introductory offer

Of a free dead dog
with every jar.

And this followed
your second campaign

"the tingling fresh coffee

"which brings you exciting new
cholera, mange, sapportia

"dropsy, the clap, hard pad,
and athlete's head

From the house of conquistador."

It was a soft sell, sir.

Why, frog?

S. frog, sir.

Shut up.

Well?

Well, people know
the name, sir.

They certainly do know the name.

They burned the factory down.

The owner is hiding
in my bathroom.

The owner was hiding
in my bathroom.

You're not going
to fire me, sir?

Fire you?

Three men dead,
the factory burned down

The account lost

And our firm
completely bankrupt.

What can you possibly say?

What excuse can
you possibly make!

Sorry, father.

Ah, yes.

Oh, incidentally,
your film's won a prize.

Sorry about that.

And now for something completely

Diff completely...

Diff completely...

Diff completely...

Diff completely different.

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

1929. stanley baldwin's
conservative government

Is defeated

And ramsay macdonald becomes

For the second time

Prime minister of england.

Whew. my, it's hot in here.

Hello? come in.

Ah, hello,
hello.

How much
do you want

For the briefcase?

Well, i...

All right, then

The briefcase
and the umbrella

A fiver down, must
be my final offer.

I don't really want
to sell them.

I've come for a job.

Oh, take a seat.
take a seat.

Thank you.

I see you chose
the canvas chair

With the aluminum frame.

I'll throw that in.

That and the fiver for the
briefcase and the umbrella.

No, make it fair,
the briefcase and the umbrella

And the two pens
in your breast pocket

And the chair's yours
and a fiver

And a pair of ex-german
u-boat commander's binoculars.

Really, they're not for sale.

Not for sale?

What does that mean?

I came about
the advertisement

For the job
of assistant editor.

Oh, yeah.
yeah, right.

Oh, okay.

Uh, how much experience
in journalism?

Five years.

Right. typing speed?

50.

"o" levels?

Eight.

"a" levels?

Two.

Right.

Well, I'll give
you the job...

And the chair and an all-wool,
ex-army sleeping bag

For the briefcase,
the umbrella

The pens in
your breast pocket

And your string vest.

When do I start?

Monday.
marvelous.

If you throw in
the shoes as well.

Hello, miss johnson

Could we have two coffee
and biscuits, please?

One coffee and one biscuit
for the two ex-army greatcoats

and the alarm clock
on the mantelpiece.

Two ex-army greatcoats
and the alarm clock

And a table lamp
for two coffees and biscuits.

Two greatcoats
and two table lamps.

Two greatcoats, one table lamp,
and a desert boot.

For two coffee and biscuits?

Done.

Done.

So, miss johnson returned
to her typing

And dreamed her little
dreamy dreams

Unaware as she was
of the cruel trick

Fate had in store for her.

For miss johnson was
about to fall victim

Of the dreaded, international
chinese communist conspiracy.

Yes, these fanatical fiends--

Under the leadership
of the so-called mao tse-tung--

Had caught miss johnson
off guard

For one brief,
but fatal moment...

And destroyed her.

Just as they are ready to do
any time free men anywhere

Waver in their defense
of democracy.

Yes, once again, american
defense proves its effectiveness

Against international communism.

Using this diagram of a tooth
to represent any small country

We can see how
international communism works

By eroding away
from the inside.

When one country or tooth
falls victim

To international communism,
its neighbors soon follow.

In dentistry, this is known
as the "domino theory. "

But with american defense

The decay is stopped
before it starts.

And that's why nine out of ten

Small countries choose
american defense.

Or crelm toothpaste

With the miracle ingredient,
fraudulin.

The white car represents
crelm toothpaste

With the miracle ingredient.

The not-white car represents

Another toothpaste.

Both toothpastes provide
30% protection.

At 60% protection

Both toothpastes
are doing well.

And now, at 90% protection,
the... wait!

The not-white car is out.

And crelm toothpaste

Goes on to win
with 100% protection.

Yes, do like all
smart motorists.

Choose crelm toothpaste
or shrill petrol

With the new additive,
glc-9424075.

After 6:00 p.m., 9424047.

Using this white card
to represent engine deposits

And this black card

To represent
shrill's new additive

Glc-9424075--

After 6:00 p.m., 9424077--

We can see
how the engine deposits

Are pushed off the face
of the earth

By the superior forces
available to shrill...

Anyway, john, you can catch
the 11:30 from hornchurch

And be at basingstoke by 1:00.

Oh, and there's
a buffet car and... oh.

Daddy.

My hat! sir horace.

Has he been...?

Yes, after breakfast.

But that doesn't matter now.

He's dead.

Oh. poor daddy.

Looks like I shan't
be catching the 11:30 now.

Oh, no, john

You mustn't miss
your train.

How could I think
of catching a train

When I should be here
helping you?

Oh, john, thank you.

Anyway, you could always
catch the 9:30 tomorrow.

It goes via caterham
and chipstead.

Or the 9:45's even better.

Oh, but you'd have to
change at lambs green.

Yes, but there's only
a seven-minute wait now.

Oh, yes, of course. I'd
forgotten it was friday.

Oh, who could
have done this?

Oh, do hurry, sir horace.

Your train leaves in 28 minutes

And if you don't miss the 10:15,
you won't catch the 3:45

Which means the... oh.

I'm afraid sir horace won't

Be catching the 10:15,
lady partridge.

Has he been...?

Yes, after breakfast.

Lady partridge

I'm afraid you can cancel
his seat reservation.

Oh, and it was back to
the engine, fourth coach along

So that he could see

The gradient signs
outside swanborough.

Not any more,
lady partridge.

The line's been closed.

Closed? not swanborough.

I'm afraid so.

All right,
nobody move.

I'm inspector davis
of scotland yard.

My word, you were here
quickly, inspector.

Yeah, I got the 8:55 pullman
express from king's cross

And missed that bit
around hornchurch.

It's a very good train.

It's a very
good train.

Oh, it's an
excellent train.

Hello, everyone.

Tony!

Where is daddy?

Oh, golly.

Has he been...?

Yes, after breakfast.

Then, he... won't be needing

His reservation on the 10:15.

Exactly.

And I suppose as
his eldest son

It must go to me.

Just a minute, tony.

There's a small matter
of-- murder. oh!

Oh, but surely he simply shot
himself and then hid the gun.

How could anyone shoot himself
and then hide the gun

Without first canceling
his reservation?

Ha, ha. well, I must dash
or I'll be late for the 10:15.

I suggest
you murdered your father

For his seat reservation.

I may have had the
motive, inspector

But I could not
have done it

For I've only just arrived
from gillingham on the 8:13

And here is my restaurant
car ticket to prove it.

But the 8:13
from gillingham

Doesn't have a
restaurant car.

It's a standing
buffet only.

Oh, ah... did i
say the 8:13?

I meant the 7:58
stopping train.

But the 7:58 stopping train
arrived at swindon at 8:19

Owing to annual
point maintenance

At wisborough junction.

So how did you make
the connection

With the 8:13,
which left six minutes earlier?

Oh, ah, simple. I caught
the 7:16 football special

Arriving at swindon at 8:09.

But the 7:16
football special

Only stops at swindon
on alternate saturdays.

Yes, surely you mean
the holidaymaker special.

Oh, yes! how daft of me.

Of course, I came
on the holidaymaker special

Calling at bedford,
colmworth, fen ditton, sutton

Wallington and gillingham.

That's sundays only.

Damn.

All right, I confess.
I did it.

I killed him for
his reservation

But you won't take me alive.

I'm going to throw myself
under the 10:12 from reading.

Don't be a fool, tony!
don't do it!

The 10:12 has the new narrow
traction bogies.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

Exactly.

That was an excerpt
from the latest west end hit

It all happened on the 11:20
from hainault to redhill

Via horsham and reigate,
calling at carshalton beeches

Malmesbury,
tooting bec and croydon west.

The author is mr. neville shunt.

Chuff, chuff, chuff,
woooooch, woooooch!

Diddledum, diddledum, diddledum.
toot! toot!

The train is now standing

At platform eight,
tch, tch, tch.

Diddledum, diddledum,
chuffff chuffffffff...

Eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa vooooommmmm!

Some people
have made the mistake

Of seeing shunt's work
as a load of rubbish

About railway timetables

But clever people like me

Who talk loudly in restaurants

See this
as a deliberate ambiguity

A plea for understanding
in a mechanized world.

The points are frozen,
the beast is dead.

What is the difference?

What, indeed, is the point?

The point is frozen.

The beast is late
out of paddington.

The point is taken.

If la fontaine's elk
would spurn tom jones

The engine must be our head,
the dining car our esophagus

The guard's van our left lung,
the cattle truck our shins

The first-class compartment

The piece of skin
at the nape of the neck

And the level crossing
an electric elk called simon.

The clarity is devastating,
but where is the ambiguity?

It's over there in a box.

Shunt is saying the 8:15
from gillingham

When in reality, he means
the 8:13 from gillingham.

The train is the same,
only the time is altered.

Ecce homo, ergo elk.

La fontaine knew his sister
and knew her bloody well.

The point is taken.
the beast is molting.

The fluff gets up your nose.

The illusion is complete.

It is reality,
the reality is illusion

And the ambiguity
is the only truth

But is the truth, as hitchcock
observes, in the box?

No, there isn't room--
the ambiguity has put on weight.

The point is taken,
the elk is dead.

The beast stops at swindon,
chabrol stops at nothing

I'm having treatment,
and la fontaine can get knotted.

Gavin millar...

Rrrrrrrrrrr.

...was not talking
to neville shunt.

From the world of the theater

We turn to the world
of dental hygiene.

No, no, no, no.

From the world of the theater
we turn to the silver screen.

We honor
one of the silver screen's

Outstanding writer-dentists,
uh, writer-directors

Martin curry,
who is visiting london

To have a tooth out,
for the pre-molar, uh, premiere

Of his filling, film,
next toothday, tuesday

At the dental theatre,
film theatre.

Martin curry, talking
to matthew palate, padget.

Martin curry, welcome.

One of the big teeth,
uh, big points

That the american critics made

About your latest film,
the twelve caesars

Was that it was
on so all-embracing a topic.

What made you undertake
so enormous a tusk?

Task?

I've always been interested
in imperial rome

Right from
julius caesar

Right through
to vethpathian.

Who?

Vethpathian.

Oh. vespasian.

Yes, yes.

Well, when I saw your film

It did seem to me
that you had taken

A rather, um,
subjective approach to it.

I'm sorry?

Well, I mean
all your main characters

Had these enormous,
well, not enormous, but, uh...

These, um, very big, um...

Well, let's have a look
at a clip

In which julius incisor,
caesar

Talks to his generals during
the battle against caractatus.

I don't see that at all.

Shall I order the cavalry

That they may hide themselves
in the wood, o caesar?

Thus, o caesar!
thus, o caesar!

Today is about to be a triumph
for our native country.

Well, martin curry,
why do all your characters

Have these very big, um...

Very big, uh... teeth?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, uh... even

In your biblical epic,
the son of man

John the baptist had the most
enormous... dental appendages

And of course, um... himself
had the most monumental ivories.

Well, I'm afraid i
don't see that at all.

Um. well,
while we're waiting...

Look, could i
have a straw?

Oh, a straw. yes, yes.

Well, while
we're doing that, uh...

Perhaps we could have a look

At an earlier film,
trafalgar.

Cover my coat, mr. bush.

The men must not know of this
till victory is ours.

The surgeon's
coming, sir.

No, tell the surgeon

To attend the men
that can be saved.

He can do little for me,
I fear.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hardy...!

Hardy!

Sir?

Hardy... kiss...

Er, put your hand
on my thigh.

Huh. well,
martin curry, thank you.

Uh... well, we asked
the first-night audience

What they thought of that film.

It wasn't true to life.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

I thought
it was totally bizarre.

Well, I've been in the city
for over 40 years

And I think the importance
of looking after poor people

Cannot be understressed.

Well, I've been in the city
for 20 years

And I must admit, I'm lost.

Well, I've been in the city
all my life

and I'm as alert and active
as I've ever been.

Well, I've been in the city
since I was two

And certainly wouldn't say
that I was stuck in a rut...

Stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut.

Stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut.

Oh, dear

Mr. bulstrode's
stuck again.

Stuck in a rut.

I certainly wouldn't say

That I was stuck in a rut.

Well, I have been in the city
for 30 years

And I never once regretted being
a nasty, greedy, cold-hearted

Avaricious,
money-grubber... conservative.

Well, I've been in the city
about 27 years

And I'd like to see
the reintroduction of flogging.

Every thursday,
round at my place.

Well, I've been in the sea
for 33 years

And I've never regretted it.

Neither have i.

Neither have i.

Yes, quite so.

I think it must be
a naturalist outing.

No, I think
it must be

One of them
crackpot religions.

This is an example
of the sort of abuse

We get all the time
from ignorant people.

I inherited this religion
from my father

An ex-used car salesman
and part-time window box

And I am very proud to be
in charge of the first religion

With free gifts.

You get this luxury tea trolley
with every new enrollment.

In addition to this, you can win

A three-piece lounge suite

This luxury caravan

A weekend for two
with peter bonetti

And tonight's star prize:

The entire norwich city council.

And remember,
with only eight scoring draws

You can win a bishopric
in a see of your own choice.

You see, we have a much more
modern approach to religion.

Blessed is arthur crackpot and
all its subsidiaries, limited.

You see, in our church,
we have a lot more fun.

Oh, mrs. collins

You did say you were
nervous, didn't you?

You have eyes
on the coffee machine?

I don't mind,
I don't mind.

It's just nice
to be here, reverend.

Archdeacon.

Well, you have eyes
for the coffee machine

So let's see
what you've won.

You chose hymn 437.

Oh, mrs. collins.

You had eyes
on the coffee machine.

Well, you have won
tonight's star prize:

The entire
norwich city council!

I've got one already.

A lot of religions--
no names, no pack drill--

Do go for the poorer type
of person.

Face it : there's more of them--
poor people, thieves, villains

Poor people
without no money at all.

Well, we don't have
none of that tat.

Rich people and crumpet over 16
can enter free

Upper middle class:
quite welcome

Lower middle class:
not under five grand a year

Lower class:
I can't touch it.

There's no return on it,
you see.

Do you have any difficulty
converting people?

Uh, no. well, we have ways
of making them join.

Norman, there,
does a lot of converting

A lot of protection,
that sort of thing.

And there's his mate,
bruce beer.

Brucy has personally converted
92 people

25 inside the distance.

Then again, we're not afraid
to use more modern methods.

Sarah, today's diocesan lovely

Is enough to make any chap
go down on his knees.

This 23-year-old bishop hails,
appropriately enough

From bishop's stortford

And lists her hobbies
as swimming, riding

And film producers.

What a gas!

Bet she's no novice

When it comes to converting
all in her see.

Basically...

I believe... in peace

And bashing two bricks together.

I'm starting a war for peace.

Cor blimey!

I'm raising polecats for peace.

Peace? I like a peace.

Know what I mean?
know what I mean?

Say no more. nudge, nudge.

Our religion is the first church

To cater
for the naughty type of person.

If you'd like a bit
of love-your-neighbor--

And who doesn't now and again--

Then see vera and ciceley
during the hymns.

In our church, we try to help
people to help themselves

To cars, washing machines,
lead piping--

No questions asked.

We're the only church,
apart from the baptists

To do re-spray jobs.

We in the church
of the divine loony

Believe in the power of prayer
to turn the head purple.

I would like to come in here
for a moment, if I may

And disassociate our church

From these frivolous
and offensive religions.

We are primarily concerned
with what is best...

Hello?

Oh, well,
how about allied breweries?

All right,
but keep the rio tinto.

...for the human soul.

In our church, we believe,
first and foremost, in you.

We want you to think of us
as your friend.

In this picture,
there are 40 people.

None of them can be seen.

In this film, we hope
to show you how not to be seen.

This is mr. e.r. bradshaw
of napier court

Black lion road, se5.

He cannot be seen.

Now, I'm going to ask him
to stand up.

Mr. bradshaw,
will you stand up, please?

This demonstrates the value
of not being seen.

In this picture, we cannot see

Mrs. b.j. smegma
of 13, the crescent, belmont.

Mrs. smegma,
will you stand up, please?

This is mr. nesbitt
of harlow, new town.

Mr. nesbitt, would you stand up,
please?

Mr. nesbitt has learnt the first
lesson of not being seen--

Not to stand up.

However, he has chosen
a very obvious piece of cover.

Mr. e.v. lambert of homeleigh,
the burrows, oswestry

Has presented us with a poser.

We do not know
which bush he is behind

But we can soon find out.

Yes, it was the middle one.

Mr. ken andrews
of leighton road, slough

Has concealed himself
extremely well.

He could be almost anywhere.

He could be behind the wall,
inside the water barrel

Beneath a pile of leaves,
up in the tree

Squatting down behind the car,
concealed in a hollow

Or crouched behind
any one of a hundred bushes.

However, we happen to know
he's in the water barrel.

Mr. and mrs. watson of ivy
cottage, worplesdon road, hull

Chose a very cunning way
of not being seen.

When we called at their house

We found they had gone away
on two weeks' holiday.

They had not left
any forwarding address

And they had bolted
and barred the house

To prevent us getting in.

However, a neighbor told us
where they were.

And here is the neighbor
who told us where they were.

Nobody likes a clever dick.

And this is where he lived.

And this is where
lord langdon lived

Who refused to speak to us...

And so did the gentleman

Who lived here...

And here...

And, of course, here

And manchester

And the west midlands

Spain...

China...

Ah. well, I'm afraid we have
to stop the film there

As some of the scenes
which followed

Were of a violent nature

Which might prove distressing
to some of our viewers

Though not to me,
I can tell you.

In nova scotia today

Mr. roy bent of north walsham
in norfolk

Became the first man to cross
the atlantic on a tricycle.

His tricycle, specially adapted
for the crossing

Was 90-foot long
with a protective steel hull

Three funnels,
17 first-class cabins

And a radar scanner.

Mr. bent is
in our durham studios

Which is rather unfortunate

As we're all down here
in london.

And in london...

In london, I have with me
mr. ludovic grayson

The man who scored all six goals
in arsenal's 1-nil victory

Over the turkish champions
fc botty.

Ludovic, first of all,
congratulations on the victory.

Thank you, david.

It should send you back to botty

With a big lead.

Oh, yes. well,
we're fairly confident, david.

Well, at the moment, ludovic

You're crouching down
inside a filing cabinet.

Yes, that's right, david.

I'm trying not to be seen.

I see.
is this through fear?

Oh, no, no.
it's common sense, really.

If they can't see you,
they can't get you.

Ha, ha, ha, but, of course,
they can still hear you.

Huh?

Ludovic grayson,
thank you very much

For coming
on the program tonight.

And we end the show with music

And here with their
very latest recording:

"yummy, yummy, yummy,
I've got love in my tummy"

Jackie charlton
and the tonettes.

Yummy, yummy, yummy,
I got love in my tummy

And I feel like a-lovin' you

Love,
you're such a sweet thing

Good-enough-to-eat thing

And that's just what
I'm gonna do

Ooh, love, to hold ya

Ooh, love, to kiss ya

Ooh, love, I love it so...

Ooh, love, you're sweeter

Sweeter than sugar

Ooh, love,
I won't let you go...

Yummy, yummy, yummy,
I got love in my tummy

And as silly
as that may seem

The lovin' that you're givin'
is what keeps me livin'

And your love is like
peaches and cream

Kinda like sugar

Kinda like spices

Kinda like
I love what you do...

Kinda sounds funny

But your love, honey

Honey, I love you...

Baa, baa-da-da-da...

Yummy, yummy, yummy...

For those of you
who may have just missed

Monty python's flying circus

Here it is again.

The lovin' that you're givin'
is what keeps me livin'

And love is like
peaches and cream

Kinda like sugar...