Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 10 - Scott of the Antarctic - full transcript
Foam-rubber snow and a stuffed lion are featured in a scene from "Scott of the Antarctic"; a football match is waged between gynecologists and Long John Silver impersonators.
Brian distel and
brianette zatapathique there
In an improvised scene
From jean kenneth longueur's
new movie le fromage grand.
Brian and brianette symbolize
the breakdown in communications
In our modern society
in this exciting new film.
Longueur is saying to us,
his audience
"go on, protest,
do something about it
Assault the manager,
demand your money back."
Later on in the film, in a
brilliantly conceived montage
Longueur mercilessly exposes the
violence underlying our society
When brian and brianette
again meet
On yet another rubbish dump.
Pretty strong meat there
from longueur
Who is saying, of course,
that ultimately materialism--
In this case,
the webb's wonder lettuce--
Must destroy us all.
That was for o. simon,
k. simon, p. simon
And r. sparrow of leicester.
Later on, we're going
to take a look
At john wayne's latest movie
Buckets of blood pouring
out of people's heads
But now we look ahead.
On tuesday, chris conger
took a bbc film unit
To the location
where 20th century vole
Are shooting their latest epic
scott of the antarctic.
Sea, sand and sunshine
Make paignton the queen
of the english riviera.
Well, for the next six months,
this sleepy devonshire resort
Will be transformed
into the blizzard-swept wastes
Of the south pole.
For today, shooting starts on
the epic scott of the antarctic
Produced by jerry schlick.
Hello.
Jerry, you chose paignton
as the location for scott.
Right, right.
Isn't it a bit
of a drawback
That there's
no snow here?
Well, we have
28,000 cubic feet
of wintrex
Which is a new
white foam rubber
Which actually
on screen looks
More like snow than snow
And 1,600 cubic u.s. furlongs
of white paint
With a special snow finish.
And I believe kirk vilb
is playing the title role.
That is correct.
We were very thrilled
and honored
When kirk agreed
to play the part
Of lieutenant scott
Because a star
of his magnitude
Can pick and choose,
but he read the title
And just flipped.
And directing,
we have a very fine
Young british director,
james mcrettin
Who's been
collaborating
On the screenplay,
of course.
Jimmy.
Oh, there you are.
Hello. hello.
no problem.
Have a drink.
have a drink.
Oh, great.
hello. marvelous.
Marvelous. hello.
Rewrite.
Oh, this is really great.
I mean, it's really saying
something, don't you think?
Have you started
shooting yet?
Yes, yes.
Great. perfect.
No, no, we haven't
started yet. no.
But great, great.
What is the first scene
that you shoot this morning?
Great. perfect.
Oh, it's great.
no problem.
We'll sort it out
on the floor.
Sort it out
on the floor.
No problem.
This film is
basically pro-humanity
And anti-bad things
And it rips aside
the hypocritical facade
Of our society's
gin and tonic
And leaves a lot of sacred cows
rolling around in agony.
Have a drink.
have a drink.
But which scene are we
shooting first, jimmy?
Yes.
Great.
Oh, marvelous.
Which scene are
we shooting first?
What? it's scene one.
Scene one. scene one.
It's in the middle
of the movie.
Well, it is now.
I rewrote it.
I thought we cut that.
Did we cut...?
No, we didn't.
We didn't?
Oh, great.
that's even better.
I'll put it back in.
uh... rewrite.
Scene one's back in,
everyone.
Scene one's back in.
great. great.
This is the scene
outside the tent.
It's all bloody marvelous.
It makes you want
to throw up.
Now, in this scene
Lieutenant scott returns to camp
in the early morning
After walking the huskies
To have brunch
with the rest of his team.
Oates
Played by your very own
lovely terrence lemming
Who is an english
cockney officer
Seconded to
the u.s. navy
And bowers, played
by seymour fortescue
The olympic
pole-vaulter.
Hi, lieutenant.
Hi, oatesy.
Sure is a beautiful day
already.
Great! great!
What... what-what
are you saying?
I was just saying,
"great! great!"
Cue evans.
Sand this is vanilla
hoare as miss evans.
Miss evans?
Right.
Good morning, miss evans.
Oh... I've forgotten my line.
Uh, what's her line?
What's her line?
"good morning,
captain scott."
Oh, yeah.
Good... morning, cap... ca...
Oh, I'm just not really
very happy with that line.
Could I just say,
"hi, scottie"?
Great! great!
rewrite!
Cue!
Hi, scarrie.
Oh... sorry.
Hi, stocky.
Oh... I'm sorry again.
Oh, jim, I'm just not happy
with this line.
Hey, can I do it all sort of...
kooky, like this?
Hi, scotty!
Great! we'll shoot it!
Are you sure
that's right?
Ah, it's great!
Jim...
Jim! jim!
Ji... oh, me.
Now, jim, I feel we may be running
into some problems here
In the area of height.
Great, where are they?
Where are who?
I don't know.
I was getting confused.
Jim...
great.
I feel here that scott
may be too tall
In the area of height,
with reference to vanilla
Who is too near the ground
In the area of being
too short at this time.
Great.
Oh, I know! I'm going
to dig a pit for scott
And put a box
in vanilla's trench.
Say, why don't I take
the boxes off
And vanilla get up
out of the trench?
It wouldn't work.
It's even better!
Great! rewrite!
What was that?
Oh, it's easy!
I've worked it out.
Uh, scott takes
his boxes off
And you don't stand
in the trench.
I say my lines
out of the trench?
Even better. great.
But I've never acted
out of a trench.
I might fall over.
It's dangerous.
Oh, well, could you
just try it?
Look, you crumb bum...
I'm a star.
Star, star, star.
I don't get a million dollars
to act out of a trench.
I played miss john the baptist
in a trench
And I played miss napoleon
bonaparte in a trench
And I played miss alexander
fleming in a furrow.
So if you want this scene
played out of a trench
Well, you just get yourself
a goddamn stuntman! huh!
I played miss galileo
in a groove...
And I played
mrs. jesus christ
In a geological
syncline
So don't tell me
how to act.
I know how to act.
I don't have to act...
Great. uh, great, great,
everyone.
Uh, lunch now. lunch.
It's all in the can.
Good morning's work.
But you haven't
done a shot.
Just keeping morale up.
Now, this afternoon
We're going to shoot the scene
Where scott gets off the boat,
onto the ice floe
And he sees the lion
And he fights it and he kills it
And the blood goes pssssshhh
In slow motion.
But there aren't any
lions in the antarctic.
What?
There aren't any lions
in the antarctic.
You're right. there are
no lions in the antarctic.
That's ridiculous!
Whoever heard of a lion
in the antarctic??
Right, lose the lion.
Got to keep the lion.
it's great!
Lose the lion.
Great! we're losing
the lion. rewrite!
Lose the lion, everyone.
That's fantastic!
What's this about, uh,
losing the lion?
Uh, well, kirk, we thought
perhaps we might, uh...
Lose the fight with the lion
a little bit, kirk, angel.
Why?!
Oh, well, kirkie, doll
There are no lions
in the antarctic, baby.
I get to fight
the lion!
It'd be silly.
Listen! I got
to fight the lion!
That's what that guy
scott's all about.
I know--
I studied him already.
But why couldn't you
fight a penguin?
Great!
Fight a rotten,
little penguin?
It needn't be
a little penguin.
It can be the biggest penguin
you've ever seen.
An electric penguin,
20 feet high
With long, green tentacles
that sting people
And you can stab it
in the wings
And the blood
can go spurting...
Pssssshhh in slow motion.
The lion is
in the contract.
He fights the lion.
Even better! great!
Have a drink.
Hey, lose the penguin.
Stand by to shoot.
Where do they have lions?
Africa.
That's it!
scott's in africa.
As many lions as we need.
Great!
Scott is looking for a pole
no one else knows about.
That ties in with the sand.
Right. paint the sand
yellow again.
Okay, let's get this show
on the road.
Scott of the sahara.
Booming out of the pages
of history
Comes a story
of three men and one woman
Whose courage
shocked a generation.
From the same team
that brought you:
And:
Comes the story
Of three people and a woman,
united by fate
Who set out in search of
the fabled pole of the sahara
And found... themselves.
See lieutenant scott's
death struggle
With a crazed desert lion.
See ensign oates'
frank adult death struggle
With the spine-chilling
giant electric penguin...
See miss evans
Pursued by the man-eating
rolltop writing desk.
And now for something
completely different.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
And now, tired of the sounds
of dancing feet?
Then listen to the sounds
of dancing teeth.
Yes, brothers,
it's time once again
For conrad poohs
and his dancing teeth.
Excuse me, I'd like
to make a correction.
Conrad is, in fact, holding
a letter, not a telegram.
Thank you.
A letter. a letter.
Five pence, please.
Excuse me.
I would like to buy
a fish licence, please.
The man's sign must be wrong.
I have in the past
noticed a marked discrepancy
Between these post office signs
And the activities
carried out beneath.
But soft, let us see
how dame fortune smiles
Upon my next postal adventure.
Hello. I would like to buy
a fish licence, please.
A what?
A licence for
my pet fish eric.
How did you know
my name was eric??
Oh, no, no, no.
My fish's name is eric.
eric the fish.
He's an 'alibut.
He's a what?
He is an halibut.
You've got a pet halibut?
Yes. I chose him
out of thousands.
Didn't like the others.
They were all too flat.
You're a loony.
I am not a loony!
Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony"
Merely because
I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell
that sir gerald nabarro
Has a pet prawn called simon
And you wouldn't call sir gerald
a loony, would you?
Furthermore
Dawn palethorpe,
the lady show jumper
Had a clam called sir stafford
after the late chancellor.
Alan bullock has two pikes,
both called norman
And the late great marcel proust
had an 'addock!
If you're calling the author
of a la recherche du temps perdu
A loony, I shall have to ask you
to step outside!
All right, all right, all right.
You want a licence?
Yes.
For a fish?
Yes.
You are a loony.
Look, it's a bleedin' pet,
isn't it?
I've got a licence
for me pet dog eric
And I got a licence
for me pet cat eric.
You don't need
a licence for a cat.
You bleedin' well do,
and I've got one.
Ho-ho, you're not
catching me out there.
There is no such thing
as a bloody cat licence.
Yes, there is.
No, there isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Uh-huh. is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is!
Isn't.
What's that, then?
That is a dog licence with
the word "dog" crossed out
And the word "cat"
written in in crayon.
Well, the man didn't have
the proper form.
What man?
The man from
the cat detector van.
"loony detective
van" you mean.
It's people like you
what causes unrest.
All right, what
cat detector van?
The cat detector van
from the ministry of housinge.
Housinge?
Yes. it was spelt that way
on the van.
I'm very observant.
I've never seen so many aerials
in me life.
The man told me their equipment
Could pinpoint a purr
at 400 yards.
And eric, being such a happy cat,
was a piece of cake.
How much did this cost?
60 quid and eight guineas
for the fruit bat.
What fruit bat?
Eric the fruit bat.
Are all your pets called eric??
There's nothing so odd
about that.
Kemel ataturk had an entire
menagerie all called abdul.
No, he didn't.
Did, did, did, did,
did, did, did, indeed.
There you are.
Kemel ataturk the man
by e.w. swanton
With a forward
by paul anka.
Page 91, please.
I owe you an apology, sir.
Spoken like a gentleman.
Now, are you going to give me
this fish licence?
I promise you,
there is no such thing.
You don't need one.
Then I would like
a statement to that fact
Signed by the lord mayor.
You're in luck.
And now, there is the mayor--
Surely the third tallest mayor
in derby's history.
And there are the aldermen
Magnificently resplendent
in their aldermanic hose
And just look at the power
in those thighs.
The new zealanders are going
to find it pretty tough going
In the set pieces
in the second half.
So dawn palethorpe with one
clear round on sir gerald...
And now the mayor has reached
The great customer
mr. eric praline.
And now the mayoral human being
Takes the mayoral pen
in his mayoral hand
And watched
by the lady mayoress
Who, of course,
scored that magnificent try
In the first half,
signs the fishy exemption.
And the great customer,
mr. eric praline
Who is understandably awed
By the magnificence
and even the absurdity
Of this great occasion here
at cardiff arms park
Has finally gone spare
And there is the "going sparal"
look on the front of his head.
And now the alderman
are finishing their oranges
And leaving the post office for
the start of the second half.
And here come
the derby council xv
following the all blacks
out onto the pitch.
There, in the center
of the picture
you can see dawn palethorpe
on sir gerald--
one of the fastest wingers
we must have seen in england
this season.
On the left-hand side
of the picture
the lord mayor has been running
such wonderful possession
for derby council
in the lines out.
And it's the all blacks
to kick off.
Wilson to kick off.
Oh, and I can see there
the chairman of the by-ways
and highways committee
who's obviously recovered
from that very nasty blow
he got in that loose ball
in the first half.
And wilson kicks off
and it's the town clerk's taken
the ball beautifully there.
The all blacks are up on it very
fast, and the whistle has gone.
I'm not quite sure
what happened there.
I couldn't see,
but there's a scrum-down.
I think
it's an all blacks' ball.
They were up on them very fast.
Obviously, they're going to try
very hard in this half
to wipe out
this five-point deficit.
Derby council eight points
to three up
and derby council have got
the ball against the head.
There is the borough surveyor,
the scrum-half is out of the...
uh, the chairman of the highway
and by-way committee
who's kicked for touch.
The line out--
and it's into the line out
and the mayor has
got the ball again.
To the borough surveyor.
He's left out
the medical officer of health.
Straight along the line
to the lady mayoress
and the lady mayoress
has got to go through!
Number two has missed her!
She's up to the full back!
There's only the full back
to beat!
And she has scored!
The lady mayoress has scored!
It's 11 points to three.
Cliff, this must have been
a very disappointing result
For the all blacks.
Well, they've had very bad
luck on their tour so far.
In fact, they missed
four very easy kicks
Against the exeter
amateur operatic society
Which must have
cost them the match.
And then, of course,
there was that crippling defeat
At the hands of the derry
and toms soft toy department.
So, I don't think they can
really be fancying their chances
Against the london pooves
on saturday.
And what about china?
Well, whether mao tse tung
is alive or not
Lin piao has a stranglehold
on the central committee
Which lin shao chi
can't break.
So it remains to be seen
whether chou en lai
Can really get his finger out
And get going
in the second half.
Well, thank you, cliff.
Tonight's
other outstanding match
Was the semifinal between
the bournemouth gynecologists
And the watford
long john silver impersonators.
We bring you edited highlights
of the match.
Argh.
Well, that's about it for
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
But remember, if you enjoyed
watching the show
Just half as much
as we've enjoyed doing it
Then we've enjoyed it
twice as much as you.
Ha-ha-ha.
brianette zatapathique there
In an improvised scene
From jean kenneth longueur's
new movie le fromage grand.
Brian and brianette symbolize
the breakdown in communications
In our modern society
in this exciting new film.
Longueur is saying to us,
his audience
"go on, protest,
do something about it
Assault the manager,
demand your money back."
Later on in the film, in a
brilliantly conceived montage
Longueur mercilessly exposes the
violence underlying our society
When brian and brianette
again meet
On yet another rubbish dump.
Pretty strong meat there
from longueur
Who is saying, of course,
that ultimately materialism--
In this case,
the webb's wonder lettuce--
Must destroy us all.
That was for o. simon,
k. simon, p. simon
And r. sparrow of leicester.
Later on, we're going
to take a look
At john wayne's latest movie
Buckets of blood pouring
out of people's heads
But now we look ahead.
On tuesday, chris conger
took a bbc film unit
To the location
where 20th century vole
Are shooting their latest epic
scott of the antarctic.
Sea, sand and sunshine
Make paignton the queen
of the english riviera.
Well, for the next six months,
this sleepy devonshire resort
Will be transformed
into the blizzard-swept wastes
Of the south pole.
For today, shooting starts on
the epic scott of the antarctic
Produced by jerry schlick.
Hello.
Jerry, you chose paignton
as the location for scott.
Right, right.
Isn't it a bit
of a drawback
That there's
no snow here?
Well, we have
28,000 cubic feet
of wintrex
Which is a new
white foam rubber
Which actually
on screen looks
More like snow than snow
And 1,600 cubic u.s. furlongs
of white paint
With a special snow finish.
And I believe kirk vilb
is playing the title role.
That is correct.
We were very thrilled
and honored
When kirk agreed
to play the part
Of lieutenant scott
Because a star
of his magnitude
Can pick and choose,
but he read the title
And just flipped.
And directing,
we have a very fine
Young british director,
james mcrettin
Who's been
collaborating
On the screenplay,
of course.
Jimmy.
Oh, there you are.
Hello. hello.
no problem.
Have a drink.
have a drink.
Oh, great.
hello. marvelous.
Marvelous. hello.
Rewrite.
Oh, this is really great.
I mean, it's really saying
something, don't you think?
Have you started
shooting yet?
Yes, yes.
Great. perfect.
No, no, we haven't
started yet. no.
But great, great.
What is the first scene
that you shoot this morning?
Great. perfect.
Oh, it's great.
no problem.
We'll sort it out
on the floor.
Sort it out
on the floor.
No problem.
This film is
basically pro-humanity
And anti-bad things
And it rips aside
the hypocritical facade
Of our society's
gin and tonic
And leaves a lot of sacred cows
rolling around in agony.
Have a drink.
have a drink.
But which scene are we
shooting first, jimmy?
Yes.
Great.
Oh, marvelous.
Which scene are
we shooting first?
What? it's scene one.
Scene one. scene one.
It's in the middle
of the movie.
Well, it is now.
I rewrote it.
I thought we cut that.
Did we cut...?
No, we didn't.
We didn't?
Oh, great.
that's even better.
I'll put it back in.
uh... rewrite.
Scene one's back in,
everyone.
Scene one's back in.
great. great.
This is the scene
outside the tent.
It's all bloody marvelous.
It makes you want
to throw up.
Now, in this scene
Lieutenant scott returns to camp
in the early morning
After walking the huskies
To have brunch
with the rest of his team.
Oates
Played by your very own
lovely terrence lemming
Who is an english
cockney officer
Seconded to
the u.s. navy
And bowers, played
by seymour fortescue
The olympic
pole-vaulter.
Hi, lieutenant.
Hi, oatesy.
Sure is a beautiful day
already.
Great! great!
What... what-what
are you saying?
I was just saying,
"great! great!"
Cue evans.
Sand this is vanilla
hoare as miss evans.
Miss evans?
Right.
Good morning, miss evans.
Oh... I've forgotten my line.
Uh, what's her line?
What's her line?
"good morning,
captain scott."
Oh, yeah.
Good... morning, cap... ca...
Oh, I'm just not really
very happy with that line.
Could I just say,
"hi, scottie"?
Great! great!
rewrite!
Cue!
Hi, scarrie.
Oh... sorry.
Hi, stocky.
Oh... I'm sorry again.
Oh, jim, I'm just not happy
with this line.
Hey, can I do it all sort of...
kooky, like this?
Hi, scotty!
Great! we'll shoot it!
Are you sure
that's right?
Ah, it's great!
Jim...
Jim! jim!
Ji... oh, me.
Now, jim, I feel we may be running
into some problems here
In the area of height.
Great, where are they?
Where are who?
I don't know.
I was getting confused.
Jim...
great.
I feel here that scott
may be too tall
In the area of height,
with reference to vanilla
Who is too near the ground
In the area of being
too short at this time.
Great.
Oh, I know! I'm going
to dig a pit for scott
And put a box
in vanilla's trench.
Say, why don't I take
the boxes off
And vanilla get up
out of the trench?
It wouldn't work.
It's even better!
Great! rewrite!
What was that?
Oh, it's easy!
I've worked it out.
Uh, scott takes
his boxes off
And you don't stand
in the trench.
I say my lines
out of the trench?
Even better. great.
But I've never acted
out of a trench.
I might fall over.
It's dangerous.
Oh, well, could you
just try it?
Look, you crumb bum...
I'm a star.
Star, star, star.
I don't get a million dollars
to act out of a trench.
I played miss john the baptist
in a trench
And I played miss napoleon
bonaparte in a trench
And I played miss alexander
fleming in a furrow.
So if you want this scene
played out of a trench
Well, you just get yourself
a goddamn stuntman! huh!
I played miss galileo
in a groove...
And I played
mrs. jesus christ
In a geological
syncline
So don't tell me
how to act.
I know how to act.
I don't have to act...
Great. uh, great, great,
everyone.
Uh, lunch now. lunch.
It's all in the can.
Good morning's work.
But you haven't
done a shot.
Just keeping morale up.
Now, this afternoon
We're going to shoot the scene
Where scott gets off the boat,
onto the ice floe
And he sees the lion
And he fights it and he kills it
And the blood goes pssssshhh
In slow motion.
But there aren't any
lions in the antarctic.
What?
There aren't any lions
in the antarctic.
You're right. there are
no lions in the antarctic.
That's ridiculous!
Whoever heard of a lion
in the antarctic??
Right, lose the lion.
Got to keep the lion.
it's great!
Lose the lion.
Great! we're losing
the lion. rewrite!
Lose the lion, everyone.
That's fantastic!
What's this about, uh,
losing the lion?
Uh, well, kirk, we thought
perhaps we might, uh...
Lose the fight with the lion
a little bit, kirk, angel.
Why?!
Oh, well, kirkie, doll
There are no lions
in the antarctic, baby.
I get to fight
the lion!
It'd be silly.
Listen! I got
to fight the lion!
That's what that guy
scott's all about.
I know--
I studied him already.
But why couldn't you
fight a penguin?
Great!
Fight a rotten,
little penguin?
It needn't be
a little penguin.
It can be the biggest penguin
you've ever seen.
An electric penguin,
20 feet high
With long, green tentacles
that sting people
And you can stab it
in the wings
And the blood
can go spurting...
Pssssshhh in slow motion.
The lion is
in the contract.
He fights the lion.
Even better! great!
Have a drink.
Hey, lose the penguin.
Stand by to shoot.
Where do they have lions?
Africa.
That's it!
scott's in africa.
As many lions as we need.
Great!
Scott is looking for a pole
no one else knows about.
That ties in with the sand.
Right. paint the sand
yellow again.
Okay, let's get this show
on the road.
Scott of the sahara.
Booming out of the pages
of history
Comes a story
of three men and one woman
Whose courage
shocked a generation.
From the same team
that brought you:
And:
Comes the story
Of three people and a woman,
united by fate
Who set out in search of
the fabled pole of the sahara
And found... themselves.
See lieutenant scott's
death struggle
With a crazed desert lion.
See ensign oates'
frank adult death struggle
With the spine-chilling
giant electric penguin...
See miss evans
Pursued by the man-eating
rolltop writing desk.
And now for something
completely different.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
And now, tired of the sounds
of dancing feet?
Then listen to the sounds
of dancing teeth.
Yes, brothers,
it's time once again
For conrad poohs
and his dancing teeth.
Excuse me, I'd like
to make a correction.
Conrad is, in fact, holding
a letter, not a telegram.
Thank you.
A letter. a letter.
Five pence, please.
Excuse me.
I would like to buy
a fish licence, please.
The man's sign must be wrong.
I have in the past
noticed a marked discrepancy
Between these post office signs
And the activities
carried out beneath.
But soft, let us see
how dame fortune smiles
Upon my next postal adventure.
Hello. I would like to buy
a fish licence, please.
A what?
A licence for
my pet fish eric.
How did you know
my name was eric??
Oh, no, no, no.
My fish's name is eric.
eric the fish.
He's an 'alibut.
He's a what?
He is an halibut.
You've got a pet halibut?
Yes. I chose him
out of thousands.
Didn't like the others.
They were all too flat.
You're a loony.
I am not a loony!
Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony"
Merely because
I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell
that sir gerald nabarro
Has a pet prawn called simon
And you wouldn't call sir gerald
a loony, would you?
Furthermore
Dawn palethorpe,
the lady show jumper
Had a clam called sir stafford
after the late chancellor.
Alan bullock has two pikes,
both called norman
And the late great marcel proust
had an 'addock!
If you're calling the author
of a la recherche du temps perdu
A loony, I shall have to ask you
to step outside!
All right, all right, all right.
You want a licence?
Yes.
For a fish?
Yes.
You are a loony.
Look, it's a bleedin' pet,
isn't it?
I've got a licence
for me pet dog eric
And I got a licence
for me pet cat eric.
You don't need
a licence for a cat.
You bleedin' well do,
and I've got one.
Ho-ho, you're not
catching me out there.
There is no such thing
as a bloody cat licence.
Yes, there is.
No, there isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Uh-huh. is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is.
Isn't.
Is!
Isn't.
What's that, then?
That is a dog licence with
the word "dog" crossed out
And the word "cat"
written in in crayon.
Well, the man didn't have
the proper form.
What man?
The man from
the cat detector van.
"loony detective
van" you mean.
It's people like you
what causes unrest.
All right, what
cat detector van?
The cat detector van
from the ministry of housinge.
Housinge?
Yes. it was spelt that way
on the van.
I'm very observant.
I've never seen so many aerials
in me life.
The man told me their equipment
Could pinpoint a purr
at 400 yards.
And eric, being such a happy cat,
was a piece of cake.
How much did this cost?
60 quid and eight guineas
for the fruit bat.
What fruit bat?
Eric the fruit bat.
Are all your pets called eric??
There's nothing so odd
about that.
Kemel ataturk had an entire
menagerie all called abdul.
No, he didn't.
Did, did, did, did,
did, did, did, indeed.
There you are.
Kemel ataturk the man
by e.w. swanton
With a forward
by paul anka.
Page 91, please.
I owe you an apology, sir.
Spoken like a gentleman.
Now, are you going to give me
this fish licence?
I promise you,
there is no such thing.
You don't need one.
Then I would like
a statement to that fact
Signed by the lord mayor.
You're in luck.
And now, there is the mayor--
Surely the third tallest mayor
in derby's history.
And there are the aldermen
Magnificently resplendent
in their aldermanic hose
And just look at the power
in those thighs.
The new zealanders are going
to find it pretty tough going
In the set pieces
in the second half.
So dawn palethorpe with one
clear round on sir gerald...
And now the mayor has reached
The great customer
mr. eric praline.
And now the mayoral human being
Takes the mayoral pen
in his mayoral hand
And watched
by the lady mayoress
Who, of course,
scored that magnificent try
In the first half,
signs the fishy exemption.
And the great customer,
mr. eric praline
Who is understandably awed
By the magnificence
and even the absurdity
Of this great occasion here
at cardiff arms park
Has finally gone spare
And there is the "going sparal"
look on the front of his head.
And now the alderman
are finishing their oranges
And leaving the post office for
the start of the second half.
And here come
the derby council xv
following the all blacks
out onto the pitch.
There, in the center
of the picture
you can see dawn palethorpe
on sir gerald--
one of the fastest wingers
we must have seen in england
this season.
On the left-hand side
of the picture
the lord mayor has been running
such wonderful possession
for derby council
in the lines out.
And it's the all blacks
to kick off.
Wilson to kick off.
Oh, and I can see there
the chairman of the by-ways
and highways committee
who's obviously recovered
from that very nasty blow
he got in that loose ball
in the first half.
And wilson kicks off
and it's the town clerk's taken
the ball beautifully there.
The all blacks are up on it very
fast, and the whistle has gone.
I'm not quite sure
what happened there.
I couldn't see,
but there's a scrum-down.
I think
it's an all blacks' ball.
They were up on them very fast.
Obviously, they're going to try
very hard in this half
to wipe out
this five-point deficit.
Derby council eight points
to three up
and derby council have got
the ball against the head.
There is the borough surveyor,
the scrum-half is out of the...
uh, the chairman of the highway
and by-way committee
who's kicked for touch.
The line out--
and it's into the line out
and the mayor has
got the ball again.
To the borough surveyor.
He's left out
the medical officer of health.
Straight along the line
to the lady mayoress
and the lady mayoress
has got to go through!
Number two has missed her!
She's up to the full back!
There's only the full back
to beat!
And she has scored!
The lady mayoress has scored!
It's 11 points to three.
Cliff, this must have been
a very disappointing result
For the all blacks.
Well, they've had very bad
luck on their tour so far.
In fact, they missed
four very easy kicks
Against the exeter
amateur operatic society
Which must have
cost them the match.
And then, of course,
there was that crippling defeat
At the hands of the derry
and toms soft toy department.
So, I don't think they can
really be fancying their chances
Against the london pooves
on saturday.
And what about china?
Well, whether mao tse tung
is alive or not
Lin piao has a stranglehold
on the central committee
Which lin shao chi
can't break.
So it remains to be seen
whether chou en lai
Can really get his finger out
And get going
in the second half.
Well, thank you, cliff.
Tonight's
other outstanding match
Was the semifinal between
the bournemouth gynecologists
And the watford
long john silver impersonators.
We bring you edited highlights
of the match.
Argh.
Well, that's about it for
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
But remember, if you enjoyed
watching the show
Just half as much
as we've enjoyed doing it
Then we've enjoyed it
twice as much as you.
Ha-ha-ha.