Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 9 - How to Recognise Different Parts of the Body - full transcript

And now for something
completely different.

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

How to recognize
different parts of the body.

Number one:the foot.

Number two:the shoulder.

And number three:
the other foot.

Number four:
the bridge of the nose.

Number five:
the naughty bits.

Number six:
just above the elbow.

Number seven:



Two inches to the right of
a very naughty bit indeed.

Number eight:the kneecap.

Once a jolly swagman
camped by a billabong

Under the shade
of a coolibah-tree...

Goodday, bruce!

Oh, hello, bruce.

How are yer, bruce?

Bit crook, bruce.

Where's bruce?

He's not here,
bruce.

Blimey, s'hot
in here, bruce.

S'hot enough to
boil a monkey's bum.

That's a strange
expression, bruce.

Well, bruce, I heard the prime
minister use it.



"s'hot enough to boil a monkey's
bum in 'ere

Your majesty,"
he said

And she smiled
quietly to herself.

She's a good
sheila, bruce

And not at all
stuck-up.

Ah! here comes
the bossfella now.

How are you, bruce?

Hello, bruce.

How are you, bruce?

Gentlemen, I'd
like to introduce

A chap from
pommy land

Who'll be joining
us this year

Here in the philosophy
department

Of the university
of woolamaloo.

Uh, michael baldwin,
this is bruce.

Michael baldwin,
this is bruce.

Michael baldwin,
this is bruce.

Is your name not bruce, then?

No, it's
michael.

That's going
to cause

A little
confusion.

Mind if we
call you "bruce"

Just to keep
it clear?

Well, gentlemen

I think we'd better
start the meeting.

Before we
start, though

I'll ask the padre
for a prayer.

O lord, we beseech thee,
have mercy on our faculty, amen.

Amen.

Crack the
tubes, right!

Er, bruce, I now
call upon you

To welcome
mr. baldwin

To the philosophy
department.

I'd like
to welcome

The pommy bastard
to god's own earth

And I'd like
to remind him

That we don't like

Stuck-up
sticky-beaks here.

Hear, hear!

Well-spoken, bruce.

Now, bruce teaches
classical philosophy

Bruce teaches
hegelian philosophy

Bruce here teaches
logical positivism

And is also in charge
of the sheep-dip.

What does
new bruce teach?

New bruce will be teaching
political science--

Machiavelli, bentham,
locke, hobbes

Sutcliffe, bradman, lindwall, miller,
hassett and benaud.

Those are cricketers, bruce.

Oh, spit.

Howls of derisive
laughter, bruce.

In addition, as he's going to be
teaching politics

I've told him he's
welcome to teach

Any of the great
socialist thinkers

Provided he makes it clear
that they were wrong.

Australia, australia,
australia, australia

We love you, amen.

Any questions?

New bruce,
are you a pooftah?

Are you a pooftah?

No.

No, right.

Well, gentlemen,
I'll just remind you

Of the faculty rules.

Rule one:
no pooftahs.

Rule two: no member
of the faculty

Is to maltreat
the abos

In any way
whatsoever

If there's anyone watching.

Rule three:
no pooftahs.

Rule four: I don't want
to catch anyone

Not drinking in their room
after lights out.

Rule five: no pooftahs.

Rule six: there is no rule six.

Rule seven: no pooftahs.

That concludes the reading
of the rules.

Bruce?

This here's
the wattle--

The emblem
of our land.

You can stick it
in a bottle

Or you can hold it
in yer hand, amen.

Amen.

Gentlemen, at 6:00

I want every man-bruce of you in
the sydney harbour bridge room

To take a glass of sherry with
the flying philosopher, bruce

And I call upon you, padre

To close the meeting
with a prayer.

Oh, lord, we
beseech thee

Etc., etc.,
etc., amen.

Amen.

Right, let's get
some sheilas.

Okay.

Ah, elevenses!

This should
tide us...

This should tide us
over 'til lunchtime.

Reckon
so, bruce.

Sydney
nolan!

What's that?

Number nine:the ear.

Number ten:the big toe.

Number 11:more naughty bits.

Number 12:the naughty bits
of a lady.

Number 13:the naughty bits
of a horse.

Number 14:the naughty bits
of an ant.

Number 15:the naughty bits
of reginald maudling.

Number 16:the hand.

Good evening.

I have with me
in the studio tonight

Mr. norman
st. john polevaulter

Who, for the past few years, has been
contradicting people.

Mr. polevaulter,
why do you contradict people?

I don't.

You told me you did.

I most certainly did not.

Oh, I see.

I'll start again.

No, you won't.

Shh!

Mr. polevaulter

I understand
you don't contradict people.

Yes, I do.

When didn'tyou start

Contradicting people?

Well, I did in 1952.

1952?

1947.

23 years ago?

No.

And so on

And so on and so on.

And now...

Number 17:the top of the head.

Number 18:the feather... rare.

Number 19:the nose.

Come in.

Ah, mr. luxury yacht.

Do sit down, please.

Ah, no, no.

My name is spelled
"luxury yacht"

But it's pronounced

"throatwobbler mangrove."

Ah, well, do
sit down, then

Mr. throatwobbler
mangrove.

Thank you.

Now, what seems
to be the trouble?

Um...

I'd like you to perform
some plastic surgery on me.

I see, and which particular
feature of your anatomy

Is causing you distress?

Well, well, for a long
time now, in fact

Even when I was a child, i...
you know, whenever I left home

To catch a bus
or to catch a train...

And even my tennis
has suffered, actually...

Yes, to be
absolutely blunt

You're worried about
your enormous hooter.

No!

No?

Yes.

Yes, and
you want me

To hack a bit off.

Please.

Fine.

It is a startler,
isn't it?

Uh, do you mind
if i, uh...?

What?

Oh, no, nothing, then.

Well, I'll just
examine your nose.

Mr. luxury yacht,
this, um...

This nose of yours
is false.

It's made of polystyrene.

And your
own hooter's a beaut.

No pruning necessary.

I'd still like
the operation.

Well, you've had the operation,
you strange person.

Please do an operation.

Well, all right,
all right.

But only if you'll come on a
camping holiday with me.

He asked me!
he asked me!

Next week, we'll be showing you

How to pick up an architect,
how to pull a prime minister

And how to have fun
with a wholesale poulterer.

But now, the men of the
derbyshire light infantry

Entertain us with a precision
display of bad temper.

Attention!

My goodness me!

I am in a bad temper today!

All right, two, three,
damn, damn, two, three

I am vexed and ratty,
two, three

And hopping mad.

And next, the men of the second
armoured division regale us

With their famous
close order swanning about.

Squad...
camp it up!

Ooh, get her! whoops!

I've got your number, ducky.

You couldn't afford me,
dear, two, three.

I'll scratch your eyes out.

Don't come the brigadier bit
with us, dear.

We all know
where you've been

You military fairy.

Whoops, don't look now, girls.

The major's just minced in
with that dolly color sergeant.

Two, three.

Ooh-ho!

And finally...

God, if they don't stop,
I'll kill myself.

I swear, I will.

All right, that's it!

For three days and nights

The displaced eyeball
plummeted earthward

Until...

Oh!

Oh!

What's this?

Keep low, keep down,
don't lag behind.

Come on, everybody,
that's right.

Keep close, that's right.

Watch out for
the killer cars.

Vroom!

Yes, the killer cars.

For years, the city
had been plagued

By ever-increasing
pedestrian congestion.

In an attempt
to eliminate this problem

Certain fanatical cars

Had taken the law
into their own hands.

Vroom, vroom!

Vroom!

V-v-vroom.

But the days of the killer
cars were numbered

Thanks to the miracle
of atomic mutation.

Vroom!

Vroom!

Oh, thank you!

You've saved our city!

But at what cost?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You've saved our city.

Of course, there were those
who chose to leave town.

This, then, is the story
of two of them.

Morning, sir,
can I help you?

Yes, we've booked on
your flight for america.

Oh, we don't
fly to america.

Oh! the american flight.

On the plane-- oh, yes.

Oh, we do that,
all right.

Safe as houses,
no need for panic.

Is it really 37 and six?

30 bob-- I'm robbing myself.

30 bob?

Twenty-five.

Two quid
the pair of you.

That's
without insurance.

Well, how much is
it with insurance?

102 quid.

That's including
the flight.

How long will it take?

Uh, let me put it
this way-- no idea.

Six hours.

Six?

Five-- ten for
the pair of you.

Oh, is it a jet?

Uh... well, no.

It's not so much a jet.

It's more your triumph
herald engine with wings.

When are you taking off?

3300 hours.

What?

2600 hours for
the pair of you.

What?

Have the injections,
you won't care.

What injections?

Barley sugar injections;
calm you down.

They're compulsory,
board of trade, promise.

Oh, I don't like
the sound of injections.

Hello, yes, right.

You've got to make your
mind up straight away

If you're coming or not.

Yes.

Right, you can't
change your mind.

I'll ring the
departure lounge.

Hello?

Two more on the way,
mrs. turpin.

Ah.

Now, the duty-free
trolley is over there.

There's some
lovely drop scones

And some
duty-free broccoli

And there's
fresh eccles cakes.

You're allowed 200 each
on the plane.

The verrifast plane company
announce

The departure of flight one
to over the hills and far away.

Will passengers
for flight one

Please assemble
at gate one.

Passengers are advised

That there is
still plenty of time

To buy eccles cakes.

Nearly ready.

Will passengers please get ready

For their barley sugar
injections.

Today we all take vow.

Today we smash
the enemy fleet!

We... smash... smash!

That's mr. kamikaze, the pilot.

He's very nice, really

But make sure he stays
clear of battleships.

There have been many
stirring tales told of the sea

And also some fairly
uninteresting ones

Only marginally connected
with it, like this one.

Sorry, this isn't a very
good announcement, sorry.

And here is the result

Of the "where to put edward
heath's statue" competition.

The winner was a mr. ivy north

Who wins ten guineas and a visit
to the sailors' quarters.

That was last year's reenactment
of the battle of pearl harbor

Performed by the batley
townswomen's guild.

It was written, directed and
produced by mrs. rita fairbanks.

Hello again.

And what
are your ladies

Going to do
for us this year?

Well, this year
we decided to reenact

Something with
a more modern flavor.

We had considered

A version of michael stewart's
speech on nigeria

And there were several votes
on the committee

For a staging of herr willy
brandt's visit to east germany.

But we've settled instead

For a dramatization
of the first heart transplant.

Incidentally, my sister madge
will be playing

The plucky little springbok
pioneer dr. christian barnard.

Well, off
we go, then

With the batley townswomen's
guild reenactment

Of the first
heart transplant.

The first heart transplant.

But this is not the only
open-air production here

That has used the sea.

The theatrical managers
in this area

Have not been slow to appreciate

The sea's tremendous
dramatic value.

And somewhere out in this bay is

The first underwater production
of measure for measure.

Servant ho!

Fine.

The underwater version
of measure for measure.

And further out to sea

Hello, dolly!
is also doing good business.

Hello, dolly...

And over there on the oyster
beds, formula two car racing.

Number 20:the armpits.

Number 21:the bottom two-
thirds of the nape of the neck.

Number 22:the nipple.

And that concludes
this week's episode

of how to recognize
different parts of the body

adapted for radio

by ann haydon-jones
and her husband, pip.

And now we present
the first episode

of a new radio drama series

The death
of mary queen of scots.

Part one, the beginning.

You are mary queen of scots?

I am.

Episode two of the death
of mary queen of scots

can be heard on radio 4
almost immediately.

I think she's dead.

No, I'm not.

That was episode 2 of the death
of mary queen of scots

adapted for the radio by bernard
hollowood and brian london.

And now, radio 4 will explode.

We'll have to watch
the telly, then.

Yes.

Well, what's on
the television, then?

Looks like a penguin.

No, no, no, no.

I didn't mean what's
on the television set

I meant what program!

Oh.

Ooh.

Tall and tan

And young and handsome

The girl from ipanema
goes walking.

Funny that penguin
being there, innit?

What's it doing there?

Standing.

I can see that!

If it lays an egg...

It will fall
down the back

Of the television set.

We'll have
to watch that.

Mmm.

Unless it's a male.

Ooh, I never
thought of that.

Yes, looks fairly butch.

Perhaps it comes
from next door.

Penguins don't come
from next door.

They come
from the antarctic!

Burma!

Why did you say "burma"?

I panicked.

Oh.

Perhaps it's
from the zoo.

Which zoo?

How should I know
which zoo?

I'm not
dr. bloody bronowski!

How does
dr. bronowski know

Which zoo
it came from?

He knows everything.

Oh, I wouldn't
like that.

It would take
the mystery out of life.

Anyway, if it
came from the zoo

It would have
"property of the zoo"

Stamped on it.

No, it wouldn't.

They don't stamp animals
"property of the zoo."

You couldn't stamp
a huge lion.

They stamp them
when they're small.

What happens
when they molt?

Lions don't molt.

No, but penguins do.

There, I've run rings
round you logically.

Oh, intercourse
the penguin.

It's just gone 8:00

and time for the penguin
on top of your television set

to explode.

How did he know that
was going to happen?

It was an inspired guess.

And now...

Number 23:the shin.

Number 24:
reginald maudling's shin.

Number 25:the brain.

Number 26:
margaret thatcher's brain.

And number 27:
more naughty bits.

Number 28:the naughty bits
of the cabinet.

Number 29:the interior
of a country house.

That's not a part
of the body.

No, it's a link, though.

I didn't think
it was very good.

No, it's the end
of the series.

They must be running
out of ideas.

All right,
don't anybody move.

There's
been a murder.

A murder?

No, no,
not murder, no.

What's like a murder
but begins with "b"?

Birmingham?

No, no, no, no, no.

Burnley?

Burnley,
that's right.

Burnley
in lancashire.

There's been
a burnley.

Burglary!

Burglary.

Yes, good man.

Burglary-- that's it,
of course.

There's been
a burglary.

Where?

In the back, just below the rib.

No, that's murder.

Oh, no-- in the, uh, the band.

In the bat... barclays bat.

Barclays bank?

Yes, nasty business.

Got away with funt23,000.

Any clues?

Any what?

Well, any evidence
as to who did it?

Any clues, eh?

Oh, we don't
half talk posh, do we?

I suppose we say
"ehnvelope"

And "larngerie"

And "sarndwiches
on the settee."

Well, this is a murder
investigation, young man

And murder is
a very serious business!

I thought you said
it was a burglary.

Burglary is almost as serious
a business as murder.

Some burglaries are
more serious than murder.

A burglary in which someone
gets stabbed is murder.

So don't come these petty
distinctions with me.

You're as bad as a judge.

Right! now,
the first thing to do

In the event of a breach
of a peace of any kind

Is to go and...

Sorry, sorry,
I was miles away.

Ring the police?

Ring the police.

Yes, that's
a good idea.

Get them
over here fast.

No, on second thoughts

Get them over
here slowly

So they don't
drop anything.

Shall I make us all
a cup of tea?

Make what you like,
boskovitch.

It won't help
you in court.

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, sorry.

That's the trouble with
being on two cases at once.

I keep thinking I've
got boskovitch cornered

Whereas in fact,
I'm investigating a burnley.

Burglary.

Yes-- good man.

Who's...
who's boskovitch?

Ha!

Boskovitch
is a russian scientist

Who's passing information
to the russians.

Classified
information?

Oh, there he
goes again.

"classified
information"?

Oh, sitting on the settee

With our scones and our
classified information?

Ah, hello, duckie.

Hello, sir, how are you?

Fine, thanks,
how are you?

Well, sir

I'm a little bit
moody today, sir.

Why is that, duckie?

Because...

I'm a little bit
sad and lonely

Now my baby's gone away

I'm feeling kinda blue,
I don't know just what to do

I feel a little sad today.

He's a little bit sad
and lonely

Now his baby's gone away

He's feeling kinda blue,
he don't know just what to do

He ain't feeling
too good today.

When I smile

The sun comes flooding in

When I'm sad

It goes
behind the clouds again

I'm a little bit
sad and lonely

Well, my baby's gone away

I'm feeling kinda...

Etcetera, etcetera.

Lovely song.

And that's
the final entry

La derniere entree,
das final entry.

And now, guten abend.

Die scores, der scores,
les scores, dei scores.

Oh, scores... ha! scores!

Yes, monaco is the winner.

Ha! monaco is the linner.

Oh, yes, man, monaco's won
de big prize, bwana.

And now, here is chief inspector
jean-paul zatapathique

With the winning song,
once again.

And so, inspector zatapathique

The forensic expert
from the monaco murder squad

Sings his song,
"bing tiddle tiddle bong."

Quoi? quoi?

Tout le monde, quoi?

Pourquoi?

Le monde est rond...

Mais...

Mais je ne sais pas...

Vraiment...

D'habitude...

Mais...

Je...

Pense...

Bing tiddle tiddle,
tiddle, tiddle, tiddle, bang!

Bong bing!

Bing tiddle tiddle,
tiddle tiddle tiddle bing!

Bang bong!

Bang tiddle tiddle...

Bang!

Bing bang!

Bang!

Bang bang!

Bang...!

Bing tiddle tiddle,
bang tiddle tiddle

Bong tiddle tiddle
tiddle ding ding

Bing tiddle tiddle,
bang tiddle tiddle

Bong tiddle tiddle
tiddle ding ding...

Bing tiddle tiddle bing...

Bang!

Number 31:the end.