Mom (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 15 - Vinyl Flooring and a Cartoon Bear - full transcript

Wow. Plunkendorf Construction

is actually
open for business.

Why do you sound surprised?

Because you and follow-through
don't always happen.

Well, guess what,
you and sex don't always happen.

Mom, Dad, I'm right here.

This office
really looks great.

Where did you
get all this stuff?

Basement, street corner,
your office at the bar.

What? If you haven't missed it
by now, you're not gonna.

My only question is
how will Captain Kirk



command the Enterprise
without his chair?

It's good I have the chair,

'cause I won't be
sitting on you tonight.

I think Plunkendorf Construction
needs an HR department.

Seriously, though,
I'm super proud of you, babe.

I am proud, too. I mean, this is
not some back-alley operation,

despite the fact I found
this desk in a back alley.

Don't ask what I found
on top of it,

just know it's been
fully sanitized.

Bonnie, get over here so Adam

can take a picture of us
with our sign.

Got it.

Nope, I just took a picture
of myself.

Does my hair always
look this crazy?



- Yeah.
- Yes.

*MOM*
Season 08 Episode 15

Episode Title: "Vinyl Flooring
and a Cartoon Bear"

Aired on:
April 22, 2021

Nice website.

You did this?

I did, with an
assist from Felix.

Felix from the
Tuesday night meeting?

Felix the fifth-grader
who lives in our building.

Plunkendorf Construction? Problem?

No, that's just how
I say things when I like them.

Hey, why is Jill's kitchen
on here? I didn't do that.

You put up a shelf.

It's not even in the picture.

Sure it is.

It's right there on the edge.

Squint.

Turn your head a
little to the left,

then move in a
little closer.

See? Right there.

W-When did you take
this picture?

I just bought
those flowers yesterday.

Wait, whose deck is that?

I don't know, but a client will
see it and want it to be theirs.

There's a bunch of stuff
on here I didn't do.

Yeah, that's why it says
"Photos of Work,"

not "Photos of Our Work."

And you could do
all these things, right?

Well, of course.

So I'm just showing off

the future work of future you.

But it's false advertising.

All advertising's false.

You think drinking beer
really gets guys laid?

It did when I drank it.

Check out the reviews section.

"'Tammy Diffendorf
transformed my outdoor space

"and I couldn't love it more.'

B. Scaggs." Who's that?

Marjorie's cat.

Tammy built their catio.

What's a catio?

It's an enclosed patio for cats,

so they can go outside
without actually going outside.

I don't know why
they can't just go outside,

but I enjoyed the project.

Once an indoor cat gets
a taste of the wild,

then life in a nice
house with a woman

who loves them is
no longer enough.

Well, at least it's a job
I actually did.

And I'm pretty sure Boz Scaggs
does feel that way.

All right, here you go.
Five spoons.

Oh, make it four.
I gave up sugar.

Don't care.

What brought this on?

Well, I've just been
craving it all the time,

and as a sober woman I don't
want to be beholden to anything.

That's great, Jill.
That takes strength.

Aw, thanks, Tammy,
you're the best.Oh.

"'Tammy is the best.'

Jill K."

Arthur, I think you'll
find my partner Tammy

has some very creative
ideas about turning

this drafty old garage into a
palace for your mother-in-law.

Look, all I know is I need her
out of our guest room

before wrists are slit.

You're funny,
Arthur, I like you.

I haven't laughed
since Lillian moved in.

Look, I'd be fine
with just tossing a mattress

and a bedpan out here,
but my husband's an only child,

so this thing's
got to be perfect.

Ugh, only children
are the worst.

And I'm allowed to say that
'cause I am one and I have one.

She sucks
and she got it from me.

You guys have done

a garage conversion
before, though, right?

Well, not exactly. She means
not exactly like this.

But we just finished
a big patio conversion.

We love converting things.

Well, I thought the pool house
on your website was fantastic.

That was quite the job.

Remember how hard it was

finding hand-painted
Portuguese tile?

Not as well as you do.

Arthur, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

Oh, good.

We are booked solid.

Oh, no.

If we don't get this
on the schedule today,

we may not get to you
till the end of the year.

O-Okay, I'm in.

Great, let's talk design.

I'm guessing you don't want
a safety rail in the bathtub?

Could you make it
extra slippery?

Look at us go.

Plunkendorf Construction is
taking off like a rocket ship.

- Pow!
- Hmm, I guess.

You guess?

We just got our first gig.

Successful, photogenic women
in a male-dominated field?

Oh, hold on. Hello? HGTV?

Wow, we'd love to.

I guess I just wish
you hadn't exaggerated

our experience so much.

Hey, that's the business side.

Stay in your lane.

And actually stay in your lane,
you're veering a little bit.

Why can't we be
completely honest?

You got to give people
a reason to say yes.

That's how I became
a building manager.

I embellished
my credentials a skosh.

You told them you were
an Air Force pilot.

Yeah, and six years later,
I'm still the manager

and I'm great at it.

Well, I'm good at it.
Nobody's died.

By my hand.

I mean, people die,
I can't change the laws of nature.

Yet.

The point isn't whether or not
I can do the job. I know I can.

But in the program we talk
about being rigorously honest.

Yeah, I hear that, but we also
talk about "acting as if."

You know,
"fake it till you make it."

I mean, they wouldn't
have that many clever phrases

about something
if it was wrong.

Yeah, but I just feel like
once we start lying,

we're never gonna stop.

Listen, the only way
to get experience

is to have a real job.

And the only way
to get a real job

is to pretend
to have experience.

It's the catch-22
around which the world spins.

Yeah, I guess
that's kind of true.

And we're not hurting anyone.

Yeah. Considering who we
used to be, that's a big deal.

Yeah.

Hey, did you ever
read that book?

What book? Catch-22.

That's a book?
Yeah, I read it.

Well, I'm into week two
of my sugar detox,

and my body hates me.

I feel like a brittle old lady.
Sorry, Marjorie.

Apology accepted.

I've just been
so irritable lately,

and I keep telling myself
everything's gonna be okay.

I mean, I have a roof
over my head,

I have a tennis court,
I have a heated pool,

- I have a home theater...
- Wrap it up,

they're about
to turn on you.

I'm just saying,
I have what I need.

But right now
I'd punch a third-grader

for a Fruit Roll-Up.

That's it.

Who else would like to share?

- Tammy.
- Tammy, alcoholic.

- Hi, Tammy.
- Things are going really well.

Bonnie and I are starting
a new business,

and we're already converting
a garage into a granny flat.

Which is a good solution
when you're living

with a difficult
elderly woman.

Oh, sorry, Marjorie.

Apology accepted.

I'm just so grateful
to Bonnie.

She showed me a whole
new way of working.

That's what makes us such...
such great partners,

because she does things
I couldn't or wouldn't do.

Anyway, uh...

Things are going great.

Really great.
Um...

I wish I had more to say,
but, um, I don't.

So, it's just great. Thanks.

Bonnie, alcoholic.
Tammy already shared my share.

Our business is thriving
and I am amazing.

Just feels so good to have
finally found my calling.

I was worried it wouldn't happen
before I kicked the bucket.

Sorry, Marjorie.

I'll share next.

Do you have a rash?

No, I'm great.
It looks like you have hives.

Are you stressed out
about something?

I'm great. Can't you tell
when someone's great?

Hey, just checking in.

How's it going?
You done yet?

Kidding.
Not kidding.

It's awesome.
I went six inches smaller

on the bathroom to give
your mother-in-law

a little more closet space.

Oh, great, more room for the
witch to hang her broomstick.

You mentioned
she's challenging.

I was thinking
we should do a skylight.

She can keep track
of her flying monkeys

- without having to go outside.
- Ah.

I've never done
a skylight before.

What about the one
on your website?

Oh, yeah.

In the biz we call
those... roof peepers.Oh.

Yeah, that's why I said
I'd never done one before.

That's the only reason.

So c-can you do that?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I've done one before,

I can do it again.

Also, I want her
to be cozy in here

so she never comes
in the house.

Is there any way
you could do a fireplace,

like this river rock one
you did?

Why are you so obsessed
with my website?

Are you okay?

Oh, look at me.
Do I look okay?!

I'm scratching my back
like a cartoon bear!

Ew, you have hives.
Are you allergic to something?

Lies, Arthur.
I'm allergic to lies.

Bonnie lied to you and
I didn't correct her,

which is almost like lying.

And just now I
totally lied to you.

I've never done a river rock
fireplace or a skylight.

By the way, no one
calls them roof peepers.

That was a total lie, too.

But here's the truth:
I'm very good at what I do,

I just don't have as much
experience as we said.

God, I feel so much better.

Honesty really is
the best policy.

Right?

No.

I won't go higher than
$279 a square foot.

Smart move, Bob.

'Cause we're gonna be busy and
that means you're gonna be busy.

Hey, I'm getting us
a great deal on vinyl flooring.

I told Arthur the truth
and we got fired.

Bob, I'm gonna call you back.

This phone cord
just saved your life.

I can't believe
you got us fired.

Why the hell would
you tell the truth?

I'm just not as comfortable
with lying as you are.

Well, you're not gonna get any
better if you don't practice.

Do you hear yourself?
What is happening?

God, you're such
a goody two-shoes.

You haven't changed
since we were in foster care.

You haven't, either. You bullied
me into doing bad stuff then,

and you're doing it
again now.

I can't operate this way.

I don't want to be
sleazy and scammy.

Well, at least I'm not naive

and spineless and afraid
to stand up for myself.

I'm standing up
for myself right now.

You know what? Maybe us working
together isn't such a good idea.

That's the first honest thing
you've said

since we started
this whole operation.

Good.
Then I guess we're done.

I guess we are!

Damn,
I put this up really good.

Just imagine I took it off,

threw it on the floor
and spit on it!

Honey, we can set
up the cookie table

if being around the treats
is too hard for you.

Oh, no. The bad part
of my sugar detox is over

and the good part's kicked in.

My head's clear,
my skin's clear, my pee's clear.

Everything's clear.

That sounds fantastic.
At least, I think it does.

Wendy, does the pee thing
sound okay to you?

I'd have to see it.

Well, I'm so proud of myself

I am this close
to showing it to you.

Have you two talked yet?

No, and I don't intend to
until she admits she's wrong.

So I guess this is
the rest of our lives.

I can't handle this rift
between Bonnie and Tammy.

What happens at the Bistro?

What happens to our
happy little group?

Oh, sweetie, they just
need time to calm down.

It's gonna be fine.

This is why
I prefer cats.

You okay over there?

Ah, not really.

But I don't want this
to be awkward.

I know the person
I'm fighting with is your wife,

but don't worry,
that's out there, this is in here.

I appreciate that,

because I really
don't want to be in the middle.

Oh, I'm so glad we're on the
same page with our boundaries,

'cause I wouldn't
want to do anything

that makes you uncomfortable.

And I don't want to do anything
that makes you uncomfortable.

You're the best.

Unlike your wife,
who's the worst.

Knew that wouldn't last.

Okay, we can talk about it,
but let's set a timer.

And... go.

Okay, here's my question:

Why does she have
to be the way she is?

Hold on.

Just adding more time.

Look...

I find that when
Bonnie does something that's...

Wrong? Bad? Evil?

Let-Let's say "iffy."

Rather than focus on
what she did, I step back

and think about
what she was trying to do.

And every time...

Almost every time...

her motives
are nothing but pure.

Almost nothing but pure.

She's-she's acting out of love.

I-I know for sure

that she didn't want
to hurt your business.

It meant everything to her.

And because of how much
she loves you,

and how much she wanted it
to succeed,

she didn't see the other stuff.

Yeah, but that's just
the thing, I can't lose sight

of the other stuff,
not even for a minute.

I mean, I've been to prison
and I'm constantly terrified

I'm gonna go back.

Like, any time I hear a siren,
I just assume it's for me.

Even if it's on TV
and it's British.

You know...

Tammy, you've come
so far from that.

Yeah, but I-I'm afraid
if I do one dishonest thing,

I'm gonna get sucked
right back into that life.

Is that why you tell me
every single time

you take an onion ring?

Hey, it's a slippery slope,
my friend.

Today it's an onion ring,
tomorrow I'm knocking over

a boat dealership.

It's hard, because
my relationship with Bonnie

is so complicated.

In some ways
she's like a sister,

in others she's like a parent.

You know, when my dad
killed my mom, my...

Oh, well, back to work.

Uh, y-y...

Tammy, you can
finish your thought.

Nope, a boundary's a boundary.

I got to go change
the urinal cakes.

Well, Gus, I suppose
you're happy

this business didn't work out.

You've had your eye on
this room all along.

Any reason you need 350 pens?

Went a little crazy at Staples.

Chair, I'm gonna miss you
most of all.

Hey, there.

Maybe if I spin the other way
she'll disappear.

I just thought you might like
a sympathetic someone

to listen to your troubles.

I got to start
locking my front door.

You spent the entire meeting
looking out the window,

and even for you,
it was immature.

Even for you, it was immature.

Guess driving over here
was a waste of gas.

I know you guys
think I'm bulletproof,

but I'm not, I do have feelings,

and Tammy hurt all of them.

She called me a
scammer and a liar.

And maybe that's all I am.

But now our business is done,
our friendship is done

and this conversation is done.

I trust you can
see yourself out,

since you broke in
in the first place?

Good day.

Damn it, this chair is too good.

I think you lied
because, most of your life,

that was necessary for survival.

That level of hustle
served you for a long time.

As an abandoned child,
as a single mom,

but it's not
serving you anymore.

It's actually getting
in your way.

But it does serve me.
I got us a great job.

You know, we're not
up against sober,

rigorously honest contractors.

If we didn't play
as dirty as everyone else,

we'd never get anywhere.

Oh, that is a crock
of you-know-what.

You didn't even try

to do it differently.

You went straight
to your old ways.

Oh, Bonnie, you don't
need to trick anybody

into wanting to work with you.

You're perfectly capable
of landing jobs with integrity,

because you are a smart,
talented badass who...

and I'm not being sarcastic...
Is great with people.

Okay, you can stay.

Who is it? It's Tammy.

When did you start
locking your front door?

Just something I'm trying.

Can you open it?

I'm not punishing you, but no.

All right, well,
I guess I'll start.

I don't like fighting with you.

Nobody does.
I'm very good at it.

You know what?

I don't like
fighting with you, either.

Look...

you're the best friend
I've ever had,

and I put you in a position
where you had to lie,

and that wasn't fair.

Bottom line, our friendship
is worth more to me

than anything, and I'm sorry
I jeopardized that.

I... I love you.

I love you, too. Aah!

Uh...

I came in through
the back door.

You know, most burglars
will think of that.

Here, you grab the top,
I'll grab the wheels.

Great... I got...

Geez.

Ah...

We do work well together.

I...

I'm sorry I screwed
everything up.

I'm willing to try again,

but we have to have
some ground rules.

Sure.

Okay, rule number one:
Don't lie.

Number two...

No, there's just the one.

All right, here's mine.

Hug me.

And never sit in my chair
again.

And being dishonest
was all me.

Keep going.

We did not start this business
11 years ago.

In fact, at that time,
Tammy was in prison

and I was drunk somewhere in
South America.

Too much.
Too much.

God, you really have me
dancing on a wire here.

So, what do you think?
We good?

I don't know.
I mean, once trust is broken,

it's really hard
to get it back.

I'll throw in
a free skylight.

And I'll take your mother-in-law
to a two-hour lunch

once a week
until this project's finished.

Four hours twice a week,
and you have a deal.Done.

Wait, did you say prison?

No.

Pass the ketchup,
partner. You got it, partner.

I told you
they'd work it out.

How's your soup, Lillian?

Carnegie Deli it's not.

I don't know, I like her.

Anybody save room for dessert?

Mmm.
I'll take a hot fudge sundae.

You told me
if you tried to order sugar,

- I should say no.
- Oh, that's over.

Okay, but I'm not
giving the $20 back.

Anybody else?

- Spoons all around.
- Like hell.

Bring them their own.

I thought you were
feeling great.

Oh! Never better.
But an unfortunate side effect

is I've lost five pounds,

and it all came
from the balcony.

So, welcome back, sugar.

Smart.
A solid rack

will get you married.

Will you be my mom?

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Sync corrections by srjanapala