Mom (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Endorphins and a Toasty Tushy - full transcript

You know what I
miss? Phone booths.

Oh. Sing it, sister.

When I was homeless, if
you scored a phone booth,

you were living the
life.

A door, a light, a shelf.

It was the original tiny house.

Okay, not that funny.
What's up with you?

Oh, sorry. I just came back
from a hip-hop dance class.

I've got endorphins
coming out my eyeballs.

Ooh, where are you taking it?

At that place called
Hippity-Hoppity.



Dance Till You Droppity.

I want to take class
therejust for the name.

Funny, that name makes me
want to cut my own feet off

and never dance again.

I'm going back tomorrow.
Why don't you come with me?

A-five, six, seven, yes!

It's okay to containsome
of your excitement.

I am!

Oh, look, there's Tammy.

And she seems to be
driving a Home Depot.

Mixed emotions:
Embarrassed by Tammy,

proud you know what
a Home Depot is.

Oh. When I was drinking,

I used to go to lots
of places by mistake.



It's the only reason I
have a Costco membership.

Hey, guys, I'm havinga
little trouble parking.

Can't imagine why.

See, now, if we
had a phone booth,

we could jump inside and
pretend we don't know her.

What ya gotgoing on there?

Oh, I need to hold on to the
lumber when I make a turn,

and I got a splinter.

I'm gonna start wearing
gloves when I drive.

That's your solution?

Yeah, mittens would make it
too hard to change the radio.

Or perhaps the time has
come to buy a truck.

Oh, she can't afforda truck.

Whoa. Bonnie just said what
the voice in my head said

at the exact same
time.

That means my
voiceis in your head.

That's a good thing. That
saves lives.

I bet you can afford
it. You're very cheap...

I-I mean frugal.

I'm not sure I'm ready.

I miss my red socks.

Are you okay?

Is she having a stroke?
Do you smell toast?

Wait, I smell toast.
Am I having a stroke?

No, we're in a diner. Carry on.

She steals my red socks

and puts them on
the ends of 2x4s.

So people can see them
sticking out of the car.

If you don't say the whole
thing, I just sound crazy.

You know, well, I think
you should go for it.

Your businessis doing so well.

Yeah, but I don't want to
be that cliché of a girl

who makes a little money and
then blows it all on a truck.

Tale as old as time.

No harm ever came from waiting.

Oh, I disagree.

I waited two years for Andy
to be ready to get married,

and then he dumped me.

Sure, I'm back out
there dating again,

but Andy was a big ole waste
of my dwindling ovary time.

Get the damn truck
before your dreams die.

Sounds like you're still
holding on to some anger there.

Why do you think I'm going
to dance class every day?

I'm working it out to Dua Lipa.

I don't know what that is,
but I can't wait.

Uh, Tam,

some guy's walking
down the street

with two pieces of
wood wearing socks.

Uh, were they red? Mm.

Oh, that cannot
be a coincidence.

Oh, I'm in love!

The club cab and
the half-ton bed,

and it's the perfect color.

Or is red slutty?

On skirts, boots and bras, yes.

On trucks, not so much.

Waiting for him
to come back with an answer

is worse than waiting
for the jury at my trial.

I just want to buy it
and hit a drive-through

as a first-time truck owner!

I love your enthusiasm.

Now shove it down.

Shoving.

Talked to my sales manager.

The price I quoted you is
as lowas he'll let me go.

Okey doke, where do I sign?

Uh, hold on a
minute there, champ.

Vincent, is it? Yeah.

I checked Blue Book, and if you
want to ask 20% over market,

that's fine. You
deserve a living.

But right now you're at 30%.

So bring it down 2K or we walk.

I would love to, but
my hands are tied.

His hands are tied, Bon.

I'm not hearing what
I want to hear, Vinny.

And the Dodge dealership
down the street

has one of those blow-up guys.

Come on.

It's time to go.Oh.

Ugh, now this is exactly
like my trial.

All right, the best I can
do without getting fired

is to come down $1,500.

I don't know. The red
is a little slutty.

$1,800.Throw in floor
matsand we got a deal.

Deal. TAMMY: Oh.

That was a roller coaster!

All right,

let's talk financing.

This kid is just a handyman,

so she's gonna need
some easy terms.

No, no more negotiating.
My heart can't take it.

This is why I
don't watch Shark Tank.

All right, I got all
the money right here.

I'm so excited!

I'm so excited for
you!

How the does Tammy
have that much money?

Here we go. Five,
six, seven, eight!

What are you doing?

Folding our laundry.

I thought I'd help by getting
a load from the dryer.

Huh, that's very sweet.
And I hesitate to say this

'cause I'd like it
to happen again,

but these are not our clothes.

Then how did my
undershirts get in here?

Yes, Adam, you're the
only man in the world

who wears medium, white
Fruit of the Loom T-shirts.

Tammy get the truck?

She did, she did.

Great. Can't waitto see it.

Paid for the whole
thing in cash.

Smart move. You're
missing the point.

Our friend who just spent seven
years in prison for robbery

paid for a truck
entirely in cash.

Aren't you wondering
where she got it?

: No.Yeah.

You also didn't wonder why
this was in our laundry,

so you're not a
reliable wonderer.

I can't believe
you're suggesting

that Tammy stole the money.

Either she's a criminal or
she's doing better than I am.

I'm more comfortable
with the first one.

Well, I got
bad news for you.

She didn't steal it.

She's been working hard.

She does an eight-hour
day as a handyman,

then works a full
shift at the bar.

She's earned it.

Oh.

Are you disappointed?

Of course not. She's my friend.

I'm happy she's doing well.

Well, not happy, but I'm working
very hard to tolerate it.

So you're jealous.

I am not!

Old Bonnie got jealous.

New Bonnie is
adjusting to the fact

that her friend who
just got out of prison

is making more money than
either Bonnie could ever make.

Well, I'm glad
you're not jealous.

Me, too.

New Bonnie is gonna
return this laundry,

including this very cute blouse

that Old Bonnie would've kept

'cause the color
makes her eyes pop.

Bad, Old Bonnie. Bad.

Hmm. This ride is
surprisingly smooth

for a vehicle made
in this country.

Ooh, I'm about to make
a turn. Listen to this.

Isn't that click awesome?

It's got a strong beat. You
could almost dance to it.

Oh, I bet you could,
bless your heart.

Tammy, when you think
of how far you've come

in such a short
time, it's a miracle.

I mean, sure, I've seen
people come into the program

and turn their lives around,
but not with the speed you have.

: Ooh.

My tushy is toasty.

Seat warmers. I turned 'em on
while you were praising me.

From jail to seat warmers.

Now, there's the speechyou give
at local high schools.

Maybe I should get a truck.

Why do you need a truck?

This is America.

You don't have to need
things to buy them.

What would you use it for?

Well, truck detectives,

I am a building manager.

I have oversized things in my
life that need to be hauled.

If I wanted a truck,
I could get one.

Not in all cash. Adam
would have to help

and we'd have to cancel Hulu
and stop buying name-brand soup.

Can we please just
change the subject?

Sure thing. Hey, check
out my new sound system.

If I
turn the bass all the way up,

it feels like you're
getting a foot massage.

Put on a hip-hop station,

you'll see a whole
new side of Wendy.

This just in:

I am jealous of Tammy.

Super-duper jealous.

No. Really?

Good news is,

Old Bonnie would've
"accidentally" dumped coffee

all over Tammy's
warm, buttery seats.

But New Bonnie bit her tongue
so hard it bled a little.

Huh? Give it up.

: For what,

acting like a human?

Yeah. Come on. Gimme.

You don't get a parade for
just being a decent person.

Then what's the point of
being a decent person?!

Where's Tammy? She's
supposed to be helping.

She got a phone
call about a job.

A job? What job?
She got another job?

Yeah. Her first full kitchen.

Cabinets, cupboards,
floors, appliances...

Yeah, I know what a kitchen is.

Marjorie, quick and dirty:
Where's my cash and prizes?

What? I've been sober longer,

but Tammy's having all
the success. What gives?

Well, first of all, staying
sober doesn't guarantee

money and success.

Hang that on the door.

It'll be a lot easier
to find a seat in here.

You could
look at it this way:

Your cash and prizes are
being in a healthy marriage

and repairing your relationship
with your daughter.

Ugh, I'd rather have
actual cash and prizes.

Would you?

I would.

Being around Tammy makes
me feel like a loser,

which makes me feel
like a bad friend,

which makes me feel like
I haven't changed at all,

which makes me
feel like a loser.

It's a vicious cycle
that could easily end

if Tammy would just
stop doing well.

We get into trouble

when we compare ourselves
with other people.

"Compare and despair."

Ooh, it rhymed. It must be true.

Why don't you just keep acting

like you're happy for
her, and eventually,

your feelings may catch up.

Doesn't rhyme, not doing it.

Hey. I can't wait
for dance class.

I bought a hat so I can do this.

Oh. I didn't think
you'd want to go back.

Why? 'Cause I suck at it?

Well, I wasn't gonna
say it like that, but

those are the words.

That doesn't matter. It was fun.

Well, how can it be fun
if you're not good at it?

It's almost more fun.

Like when a movie's
so bad, it's good.

I had Snakes on a Plane
level fun in that class.

Oh, that is not how I roll.

If I'm not great at
something, I'm out.

One time I took a ceramics
class, had a little trouble

in the first few minutes, and
faked appendicitis and left.

That's so sad.

I was faking.

I just mean you miss out
on a lot of life that way.

Mm. If that was supposed
to be a pep talk,

that's something
else she sucks at.

I got it. I got the job.

That's wonderful, honey.

Yay!

There's a problem, though.

Finally.

It starts Monday, so I
have to finish the job

I'm on in the next two days.

Who knows when I'll sleep again?

Say what you will about
cocaine... it was helpful.

Well, sleep deprivation
and power tools don't sound

like a good combo.

Maybe there's somebody
who could help you.

Ow! I-I sure would
like to help you.

Really? Why would I say
it if I didn't mean it?

Awesome. I'll pick you up at
6:00 a.m.Keeps getting better!

And you only have to call
me "boss" if you want to.

Ah.

I hope you never get any
of your red socks back.

This is gonna be some pantry.

I hope one day I
make enough money

that my cereal can
have its own bedroom.

I'm worried we're
running behind.

Did you finish that
shelf for the microwave?

I'm working as fast
as I can, boss.

Sorry. I'm stressed.
It's just that

I'm losing money on this
gig. I totally underbid it.

Why would you do that?

Well, my thought was, if
I do jobs on the cheap,

and people like my work, they'll
recommend me to other people,

and I'll get more jobs.

Where you'll lose more money.

That does seem to be
the way it's going, yes.

Well, go tell the client
it's gonna cost more money.

I don't want to be
that guy. Really?

'Cause I lovebeing that guy.

I'll tell you what.

You finish this, I'll
go talk to the client.

Okay, but please be nice.

Ugh. I'm always nice.

No, you're not, which is why
I'm saying, "Please be nice."

Look... it's a bowl!

Now it's a plate.

I don't know how I let you
talk me into doing this again.

I suck at it, and I'm
getting all dirty.

Can you get appendicitis twice?

You know, this class is an hour,
whether you have fun or not.

And I'm just saying, this
is a lot of muss and fuss

for something I can
buy at Crate & Barrel.

Jill, get over yourself.

You're not gonna
beperfect at it.Ugh.

Just enjoy the damn process.

Fine, but mostly
'cause you're my ride.

Oh, shut up.

Here. Now give me a "whoo."

Don't push it.

Can I say "thank
you" one more time?

Thank you. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Sorry, that was four.

I'm just so excited.

Because of you,
I'm gonna actually

make a profit on this job,
and I've got a new truck,

and another big job
lined up after this.

Everything's coming up Tammy.

It's almost too much good
luck for one person to have.

They should make a movie about
my miraculous turnaround.

It could be called
Everything's Coming Up Tammy.

Well, I'd sure see that movie.

Oh. Damn it! Oh, my God.

I just spilled coffee
all over your new truck.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry.

I swear it was an accident.

Of course it was an accident.

Why would you do
that on purpose?

Because deep down,
I'm a terrible person!

And really, it's not
even that deep down.

Uh, what are you talking about?

I have been so jealous of you

ever since you got this truck,

and you keep getting
these amazing jobs,

and-and... and I don't want

to say "everything's
coming up Tammy" again,

but everything's
coming up Tammy!

This is so weird.

I've always been
so jealous of you.

Well, that's the way I liked it.

Bonnie, I'm still
jealous of you.

I mean, you're
savvy and fearless

and smart in a way
I could never be.

Oh!

Now you're making me
feel good about myself.

You're even a better
friend than I am.

Stop making it a competition.

Look, we both have
different strengths.

I mean, the way you negotiate...
I could never do that.

Yeah, I am pretty amazing.

I'm sorry I got so jealous.

I guess it makes sense.

You're the closest thing
I have to a sister.

Aw, I feel the exact same way.

Hey, could you grab some
napkins out of the glove box?

Yeah, I'm getting a
little emotional, too.

Actually, I need you to clean up
that coffee before it sets in.

Blot, don't rub.

Hey, Jill. What's going on?

Hey. Please excuse my
appearance, but I knew

if I didn't say this right away,
I would never say it at all.

I've always believed

that if something wasn't
perfect, it's a failure.

You know that stupid
thing people say

about the joy being
in the journey?

Well, it turns out,
it's kind of true.

You and I weren't
a big, fat failure

just because we didn't end
up in a big, fat wedding.

Jill, I-I... I promise

I'm almost done. I just
need to get this out.

You were my first
sober relationship.

We shared a lot of
beautiful memories together,

and I can actually remember
'em all because I wasn't high.

I just wanted you to know

that I'm okay with what
happened between us.

And I want you to have
this to remember me by.

Huh.

Think I was supposed to put that
in some kind of special oven,

but I skipped that step.

You were in pottery class.

Thought your
gardener quit again.

Oh. No.

I mean, well, he did, but
that's not what this is.

Thanks.

And, uh, yeah, for
what it's worth,

I-I-I... I think I messed up.

You know, I-I... I knew
you wanted to get married

and start a family, and I
wasn't sure I was ready.

And, um... I'm-I'm just...

I'm-I'm really sorry
I wasted your time.

No, but that's the thing.

None of it was a waste.

Well, it wasn't for me, either.

Okay. Well, you take
care of yourself.

Mm. You, too.

And thanks for the bowl.

Ah, shoot. Oh, no!

Oh, wait. Now it's a planter.Ah.

Come on! Come on!

It's not a funeral
march! Step it up!

I don't get what the hoopla is.

We've all seen the truck. Whoo,
whoo, shiny, shiny. I'm hungry.

Humor them, we'll
get to lunch faster.

Okay, we have an
announcement to make.

Uh, do you want to say
it? No, you say it.

I think
you should say it.

Uh, this is not getting
us to lunch faster.

You go. No,
you go. You go.

For God's sake, somebody go.

Tammy and I are...

Going into
business together!

Good for you guys! That's great.

You are gonna be awesome!

Doing what, exactly?

Construction! Well,
I'm gonna handle

the hammering and nailing part,

and she's gonna handle
the businessy part.

We figure together,
we'll be unstoppable!

So, presenting...

That's great!

Oh, I love it.

Um, did you guys say
that name out loud

before you put it
on a big old magnet?

What's wrong with "TamBon"?

Aw, crap! I still don't hear...

Oh, I just got it.

All right, let's spitball
new names for our business.

What's the first thing
that comes to you

off the top of your head?

Chicks With Drills.

Okay, what's the second?

Chicks With Power Drills.

Getting stuck on a theme here.

Ladies Who Lumber?

Sounds like we walk slow.

Working Girls?

I feel like we're gonna
get a lot of calls

for the wrong thing. Mm...

Boy, Hippity Hoppity
Build Till You Droppity

is sounding better and better.

Gonna need a big
magnet, though.Yeah.

How about "Two Gals
Who Like Wood"?

I like it.

Let me Google it to see
if anyone's using it.