Mom (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - Scooby-Doo Checks and Salisbury Steak - full transcript

Why don't you want
to kiss me?

I'm kissable,
damn it!

Are you even
listening to me?

Yes, I just find
these tea bags

need to be coaxed
in order to steep properly.

Can we get back
to the fact

that my husband never wants
to kiss me again?

Is there a chance

you're exaggerating
the situation?

None.

Shall I relive
the horror all over again



now that your orange pekoe's
squared away?

Yeah, sure,
relive.

Ah, I can't wait to see
what you think of my sauce.

I went for sweet

with a little
bit of heat.

And you're sure
the ribs are cooked enough?

I know they were only
on there for 12 hours.

It was six.

You might need
to squeeze harder.

Oh!

[laughing]:
Not that hard.

- So this is my fault?
- Well...

the goal was
to squeeze some sauce

out of the opening,
not a child.



What does this have
to do with kissing,

you should be asking.

[slurping]

Mmm.

Oh, I see what happened.

A little chunk of onion
got stuck in the nozzle.

Well, what the hell's
an onion doing in there?

It's developing
the depth of flavor.

And ruining our breath.
It's date night.

So much for kissing.

[grunts]

What's that supposed
to mean?

Eh. Kissing.
It's overrated.

Excuse me?

It's like salad.

I mean, you're happy
to eat it but you really

just want to get
to the main course.

Oh, so what are we doing
for foreplay now?

"Grab the sink,
I'm coming in"?

I did not promise
to love, honor, cherish

and never kiss again.

That's nice.

I've also decided to go back
to being a hopeless drunk.

Good for you.

Maybe even take up heroin.

Sounds like a plan.

[♪]

*MOM*
Season 08 Episode 16

Episode Title: "Scooby-Doo Checks
and Salisbury Steak"

Aired on:
April 29, 2021

Mm-hmm.

All right,
what's up with you?

You're totally distracted.

You haven't taken
a single note.

Yes, I have.

Hey, no...

You have two squiggles
and a blob.

The two squiggles are
you and Adam.

And the blob is...

your inner child.

Okay.

I apologize, you have
my undivided attention.

Sure, when we're almost done
and I have to leave early

for Tammy's sober
birthday.

Okay, off you go.
See you next week.

That's it?

No tools to help me
deal with the fact

that Adam thinks
kissing is overrated?

He does?

Aah!

You're not getting paid today.

Hold everything.

What's that ceramic wizard
doing here?

Casting a positive spell
on your mental health.

Sandra took that during
the divorce, and I remember

because I was relieved.

I didn't like the way
it used to stare at me

during our sessions.

You know, wizards can see
through clothes.

How about that?

All right,
tell Tammy congratulations

on her sobriety
and drive safely.

You know, if my kiss-less
marriage crumbles into the sea

between now and next
week, it's on you.

Okay.

Don't listen to her.

I just need to get
into my safe deposit box.

It's my friend's sober birthday.

So I'm gonna give her
my little diamond pin.

Oh, lucky friend.

Yeah, well,
her dad killed her mom

and she robbed a steakhouse
and spent seven years in prison,

so, you know,
good days, bad days.

Okay, I'll go get the key.

Be right back.

Hey, you.

Hey! Hey, Jill.

Didn't expect
to run into you here.

Hmm, looks like you didn't
expect to run into anybody.

Oh!

Yeah, these mighty calves

are trapped in the prison
of long pants all week.

I like to turn 'em loose
on my day off.

I see.

And your feet?

Hey, it's everyone's day off.

[laughs] I'm just
teasing, you look good.

Now go
get on that tram

and enjoy
the Magic Kingdom.

[laughing]

You done?

For now.

So what are you doing here?

I was just picking out
a new check design.

Looks like the Raiders
are staying in Vegas.

Looks like you're going
to Vegas.

- [both laughing]
- I'm done now.

Do those shoes taste
like circus peanuts?

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

Done now.

Did you see the wizard?

You know, you have never
actually spoken to me before,

and I would not have predicted
those would be your first words.

But while you're
in a chatty mood,

why does the wizard
bother you, too?

Are you gonna
put a curse on me

and you need to touch me
to do it?

The ex-wife.

[gasps] She's back?

[clucking tongue]

Hey, while I have you here,

what do you think about me
and Scooby-Doo checks?

Cool that I like
to solve mysteries

or creepy older guy
with a van?

I think you just answered
your own question.

Okay, what-what about
Snoopy,

but as the Red Baron,

not just laying on a house.

Uh, we're ready
for you, Ms. Kendall.

Okay.

Well, it was fun
running into you.

Enjoy the rest
of your day off.

MAN:
Everyone, get on the floor!

MAN 2:
Get down and stay down!

Hit the dirt!

What?

- Get down.
- Oh!

Is this really
happening?

Yes, it's really happening,
just-just stay down.

Did you bring your gun?

No, I'm off duty.
Did you bring yours?

Yeah, Andy, I always
bring my gun to the bank.

Okay... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm nervous.

You know, I haven't
seen you in a while.

I'm wearing shorts
and now this.

MAN: Hello and welcome to
the Tuesday speaker meeting...

Where are they?

Honey, they'll be here.
They're not gonna miss

giving you a cake
for your sober birthday.

But the meeting's
starting... Wendy,

stall 'em...
you know what a heart attack

looks like.
Fake one.

If I did it realistically,
no one would notice.

They're silent killers.

You know, I didn't even
want to take a cake.

Oh, come on,
it's nice to acknowledge

how much time you've got
for the newcomers.

Three years is a big deal.

Nobody takes a
cake in prison.

They're considered
weak, like books

or conjugal visits.

Bonnie pushed
me into this.

Now I have to do
it without her?

Well, Marjorie
and I are still here.

What about a stroke?
Those are messy.

Not always.

You know, you brag all the
time about being a nurse,

but when the chips are
down, where are you?

[door opens]

Aha!

Lean Cuisine!

Oh, my God, we're not done?

A voice in my head said

something wasn't right
about you.

The wizard's back,
you're counting calories,

and Marta explicitly said
Sandra was sniffing around.

You add those clues up,
I think Sandra's sniffing around.

That was one of the clues.

So you're saying I'm right.

No, I'm saying
it's none of your business.

Okay, switch seats,
we need to talk.

- I'm not...
- Sit!

Look, Bonnie,
I am your therapist.

I'm not gonna talk to you
about my personal life.

I'm the therapist.
I'm in the therapist chair.

The chair really has
nothing to do with it.

Yes, it does...
It's about who's in the chair

and who's acting crazy,
and I'm in the chair

and you're acting crazy.

What am I doing
that's so crazy?

You're letting the woman who
ruined your life back into it.

We're just having
dinner tonight.

And six months from now, you'll
be back in that corner crying,

and I'll be the one
helping you blow your nose.

Now, you may want
to go through that again,

but I do not.

What are they
doing over there?

They're clearing out
the cash drawers.

Hopefully one of the tellers
triggered the silent alarm.

Well, how much longer do
you think they'll take?

You want me to ask them
to move it along?

It's just, you see this in
the movies all the time,

but in real life it
goes a lot slower.

Yeah, well,
we're in Napa.

Everything's slower.

You know, if they decide
to go out the back exit,

they're gonna come
right through here.

I don't want you to end up
being a hostage.

Well, thanks for putting
that idea in my head.

Shh!

See? I won't make a good
hostage, I'm mouthy.

- Jill.
- I'm serious.

I'll complain about
the food too much.

No, I got this.

Oh, God, what are you doing?

I'm shielding you
with my body.

[long exhale]

That's very sweet, but...

you're squishing me.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

[heavy breathing]

[shushing]

MAN:
Hey! I said stay down!

Was he just
yelling at you?

He's right, I peeked.

I'm sorry, I've
just never been

in this situation before.
You're the professional.

It's okay, the important
thing is to just stay calm.

Okay, you know
I don't do that well.

Well, just, you know what?

Focus on your breathing, okay?
Look-look into my eyes.

[breathing in unison]

I'm sorry, I'm sweaty.

Did you work out?

No, we're being robbed
by men with guns.

Damn it, there goes
my breathing!

Okay, you got to do something
to help me keep my mind off

what's really going on.

O-Okay, okay, uh, let's see,
what's been going on with me?

Oh, I had my fantasy baseball
draft about a week ago.

I waited too long
on a catcher so I ended up

with the White Sox backup.

That's not gonna go well.

Also, um...

I've been thinking
about you a lot lately.

Really?

Yeah.

What exactly were you thinking?

That-that maybe
I made a mistake.

That maybe I was crazy
to let you go.

Well, I thought so.

Yeah, I definitely
made a mistake.

You're making another
one now by talking.

[laughs softly]

MAN:
Let's get moving!

Okay, they're gone.

We can get up now.

Why would you let
a woman who called you

a toxic narcissist
back into your life?

I don't think you get
her sense of humor.

She's called me many things,
but she's changed.

Has she,
or did she find life

without a doormat husband
more challenging?

Wow, you really don't like her.

That's because
I'm Team Doormat.

Okay, you know,
that's hurtful stuff, too.

Was it as hurtful as when she
cleaned you out in the divorce

and moved to Oregon
to start her soy milk empire?

How could she have known
there was a cold wind blowing

and its name was oat milk?

It's so good.

It really... it-it's so foamy.

Soy, oat, it's...
It doesn't make a woman change.

But she has changed.
How?

So many ways.

I also realized I was doing
something wrong, too.

Stick to her.

Well, she's taken up cycling.

Oh, my God, and here I am
standing in the way of love.

Go to her, Trevor.

Buy matching spandex shorts

and cycle off into the sunset.

You know,
that sarcasm isn't exactly

right out
of the therapy handbook.

Oh, you want the handbook?
Why are you lying to yourself?

Bonnie, this is somebody
I once loved.

I'm giving her the benefit
of the doubt

that it's gonna be different
this time.

I think you're going back
to what's familiar

because you're scared
of being alone and you think

you're never gonna meet
anyone else ever again.

May I please eat
my Salisbury steak in peace?

♪ Happy birthday, dear Tammy

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Keep coming back.

[applause]

Oh, thanks. Uh, hi.
Tammy, alcoholic.

ALL:
Hi, Tammy.

Uh, you know, thanks to
everyone who actually did

show up for my birthday.

It's my first time
taking a cake.

It's not even real,
and I prefer pie, but thank you.

The only reason I'm doing it
today is because it's important

to someone who couldn't
even be bothered to be here.

[laughs]
I mean, you feel me, Jim.

You're always saving a seat
for someone who doesn't show.

You know,
one of the things that AA

has taught me is,
you show up for people.

If you say you're gonna be
somewhere, you're there.

[phone chimes]

Oh, look who's texting me.

We're supposed
to turn our phones off.

I just want to sit.

So, Bonnie said
she's gonna be late,

and we all know what that means.

[laughs]

Hang on, I'm texting her back.

Well, I'm not even getting the
three dots. That's real nice.

[chuckles] Anyway, you know,
I'm not here to complain.

I'm here to celebrate the fact
that I have three years

of sobriety, which is
pretty freakin' awesome.

[chuckles]
Oh, hang on, three dots.

Nope.

Bottom line is, I'm
really grateful to be sober.

Thanks a lot.

[applause]

Uh... I don't know anything about
the road that led you to Sandra.

Tell me about that.

Not much of a road.

More of a driveway, really.

Uphill, had a basketball hoop,
need to shovel the snow?

W-What-what does that mean?

It means Sandra was the first
relationship I ever had.

Ever?

Well, there was somebody
in high school,

but that was more
of a friendship with a girl

that I liked
who didn't notice me.

So you had one unrequited crush,
then a wife,

and yet you're guiding me
through life.

Yes, and I meant to tell you,
I'm raising my rate.

So, this crush,
you ever ask her out?

Oh, God, no.

But once,
I gave a report on Alaska

and I said that I'd like
to someday kayak the fjords,

and she said,
"Wow, pretty cool."

What ever happened to her?
I don't know.

Oh, come on, you got divorced.
You never looked her up?

She sells real estate
in Mendocino.

Has a pet turtle.

You've been lonely for a whole
year and you didn't call her?

You can't just pick up the phone
and call somebody

you haven't talked to
in that many years.

Yes, you can.
You pick up the phone,

you dial the sequence
of numbers, they say, "Hello,"

you say, "Hi, it's Trevor,
the guy you caught

staring at you
all through high school."

And then she hangs up.

Or...

she's been waiting
for your call for 30 years.

You think?

No, probably not.

But there is a good chance

she won't call you
a toxic narcissist.

And I'm not leaving
till you do it.

And you know I'm stubborn,

'cause you gave me a book
about it, which I never read.

And you can't make me.

[exhales]

Thanks for giving me a ride.

My hands are still shaking.

Oh, yeah, that was
a pretty good kiss.

So...

was what you said in there
just adrenaline talking

or did you really mean it?

Because... I don't want to go down
that road again

if-if it's not real.

Look, I've b... I've
been thinking a lot

about our relationship,
and, um...

...I was just scared.

Not "bank robbery with guns"
scared.

"Getting married
and having kids" scared,

which is way worse.

But you're not scared anymore?

Oh, are you kidding?
I'm terrified.

But I-I realized in
that bank that...

...I'd die for you.

So, yeah, let's do this.

- [Both laugh softly]
- I'm in.

So, where are you
taking me, anyway?

I actually have no idea.

I can't drive and be emotionally
honest at the same time.

[laughs]

Well, how about we just
pull over and kiss some more?

That's a solid idea.

I do like kissing.
[laughs]

Me, too.

- Well, pull over.
- Oh, right, right.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[quietly]:
She's divorced and miserable.

Yes.

Well, if you ever need
someone to talk to...

No.

You want a new girlfriend,
not a new patient.

I mean, not as a therapist,
I mean as a friend.

M-More than a friend.
I mean, start as friends

and see what happens.

If it happens, it happens.
You know, boy-girl stuff. Uh...

Hey, pull it together
or the wizard dies.

How about dinner?

With wine?
Like a date.

Uh, lunch with wine
could work. Sure.

Sometimes
I have eggs for lunch.

Uh, like a frittata.

I don't know why
I'm telling you this. Uh...

Let's do Saturday.

Sounds great.
I'll call you.

[laughs, whoops]

Yeah!
That's how it's done.

No, it's not,
but it worked.

Wait.

Hand me that wizard.

[shouts]

[shatters]

Now you are free.

[wind whooshing]

I mean, it was eerie.

Like a Stephen King
level of eerie.

Trevor smashed the wizard,
it got ten degrees colder,

and then Marta turned
into a crow and flew away.

Seriously?

I didn't see it, but I
went inside to get my keys

and when I came back out,
there was just a bird.

I'm sorry, who's Marta?

Exactly.

All right, look, since it
seems you saved Trevor's life,

you're forgiven for
missing my birthday.

You're not gonna believe
what happened to me.

Just know you're gonna
have to top a human

who turned into a crow.

Andy and I were in
a bank robbery.

He saved my life and
we're in love again.

They're really
different stories,

but I think Jill wins.

Uh, so Trevor's taking
a three-month leave of absence?

Yeah. He went to lunch
with his high school crush,

and now they're going
to kayak the fjords.

So...

the guy who grounds you
e-emotionally

twice a week is gone
for th-three months?

He said I'd be okay without him.
What do you think about that?

I'm thinking
you could still Zoom with him

if there's an emergency, right?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

And I apologize in advance
for the bad choices

I might make during this period.

- Apology accepted.
- [both chuckle]

Ha. You don't mean that.

Still not buying it.

- Okay, that one counted.
- [clears throat]

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