Mom (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 10 - Illegal Eels and the Cantaloupe Man - full transcript

Remind me how we got roped
into giving away the blood

that's keeping us alive?

Wendy signed us all up
when we were hungry.

She knew we weren't
paying attention.

I swear she used the words
"drag queen bingo,"

or I never would have agreed.

What if I walk out of here
and get hit by a bus

and don't have enough blood
in my body to save me?

Then they'll wheel you
right back in here

and fill you
full of mine.

I would not take
that offer.



I just hate needles.

Except for Botox,
which actually helps people.

You're gonna
be fine.

I give blood
every six months.

It's nothing to
be scared of.

Wow. Some of these questions
are pretty personal.

"Have you had unprotected sex
with someone you do not know..."

- Yay, I'm out!"
- ...In the last three months?"

Damn it, I'm back in.

We should be proud that we're
sober and we can do this.

There was a time when none
of us could've given blood

because of our
lifestyles.

So let's be grateful
and generous of spirit.

Oh, crap-a-doodle.



What's the matter?
Is it number eight?

"Have you taken
money for sex?"

I started blood thinners.
I can't donate.

Wait. Do you have 'em in your purse?
Give me one.[tsks]

Oh, I wish I was
sick in the hospital

and someone was
bringing me

a Valentine's bear with
a heart on his tummy.

Mm.

I'm not interested
unless that bear

- is carrying jewelry.
- [chuckles]

Adam and I never make a big
deal out of Valentine's Day.

Usually, by the time
he gets home from the bar,

I've already eaten my edible
underwear and gone to sleep.

- [laughs]
- I have a date with chicken fajitas

and Bridget
Jones's Diary.

Well, Gary and I have
a sexy Skype planned.

Tammy, I may
need your help

getting off my compression
socks beforehand.

Great. I have a date
with chicken fajitas,

Bridget Jones's Diary
and Marjorie's compression socks.

[laughs]

Oh, there's Wendy.

JILL:
Wendy's kissing a man.

Wendy's kissing a man!

I'm gonna faint before
I give blood.

♪

*MOM*
Season 08 Episode 10

Episode Title: " Illegal Eels
and the Cantaloupe Man"

Aired on: March 04, 2021

I'm sorry
I can't pet you, Gus.

I gave blood.

You know, it can't always be
about you, you know.

[sighs]

Hey.

Hey.

You all right?

I spent all morning
saving lives.

I thought
you were just giving blood.

Not just any blood.

AB negative,
the rarest of all.

The nurse called it
the "champagne of blood."

[sighs]

Juice me.

Do you think you'll have
your strength back by Sunday?

Oh, no. You're not still trying
to get me to church, are you?

I can't drink
the wine,

and those crackers they
serve with it are terrible.

Sunday is
Valentine's Day,

and I'm taking you out
for a romantic dinner.

Not chicken wings
in your office at the bar?

Nope. Michelin star restaurant,
six-course tasting menu.

Wear your highest heels
'cause I'm sitting down anyway.

Oh, my God,
our first Valentine's date.

If I wasn't so weak,
I'd kiss you.

I'll come to you.

I'll do my best
to muster a pucker.

Oh, orange juice and Oreos.

Just had a flashback
to preschool.

Not what you want
when you're kissing your wife.

You know, Bonnie, it's
been more than 24 hours,

so you can take
that off now.

Oh, is that still there

from when I gave my very rare
blood to save lives?

You're surprised? She wore her
"I Voted" sticker for a month.

I was excited. It was my first
time voting under my real name.

[laughter]

Oh, Wendy's here.

This is gonna be
fun. Hey, girl!

What's new? What's going on?

Uh, I just got my hair cut.

Well, not really cut,
just a trim. They call it...

No one cares.
Who's the guy?

What guy?

The doctor you were
playing doctor with.

When we came to
give blood...

We saw you
sucking face with him.

Why have you been
holding out on us?

Oh. Yeah.

We've been kind of
seeing each other.

Yesterday, you went on and on
about the lint in your dryer,

but nothing about
Dr. Hot Lips?

It's new, and I was afraid
you guys would tease me.

Wendy, we would never.

- Has he taken your temperature yet?
- And if so, how?

Can he prescribe
satisfaction?

[chuckles]

Does he recommend
you stay horizontal

with plenty of fluids?

- [Laughter]
- MARJORIE: All right.

All right, everybody
just leave Wendy alone.

She's probably tired

from all the booster
shots he's giving her.

[laughter]

It's fun when you play.

[phone chimes]

All right, tease all you want.

Armand and I are happy.

Armand?

Is his last name
"Douché"?

[laughter]

Oh, my God.
What?

Gary just broke
up with me.

In a text?

What did he say?

I'm sorry.
I need a minute.

Poor Marjorie.

Do you think
this is some sort

of cosmic
rebalancing?

Like Wendy got a boyfriend
so Marjorie had to lose hers?

It's the only
plausible explanation.

MARJORIE:
Ow! Damn it!

[groans]

- What happened?
- Oh,

I was looking at my phone,
and I fell,

like the stupid
old woman I am.

Ow! Oh,
I really hurt my wrist.

Oh. We should get you
to the ER.

Which in Wendy's case
is the Erection Room.

No? I guess
we're done.

Go.

Is it weird that I feel like Teen People
really gets me?

No. You've got a
youthful spirit

and a giant crush
on Harry Styles.

Huge news.

Is Marjorie all right?

No idea.

I did a little sleuthing,
and I found out

that Wendy's boyfriend
is a cardiologist.

So I called my girlfriend Jenna,

whose husband is also
a cardiologist,

to see if she had
the scoop on him.

Ooh, good work. I bet he's a
model train guy or has a ferret.

Thank you,
but hold your ticket.

- He's married.
- BOTH: What?!

I know.
I couldn't believe it, either.

Do you think she knows?

Wendy would never
date a married man.

- We have to tell her.
- Do we?

Last week, she cried
when the bistro ran out of soup.

Of course we do. She's our
friend, and we care about her.

But it's gonna
break her heart.

If we don't tell her,
six months from now,

she's gonna be
in Palm Springs with him,

and his wife's gonna find out
and set her car on fire.

Who would do that?

I always forget you weren't
around for those stories.

I never actually set
anybody's car on fire.

It's harder than you think.

All right, well,
so who's gonna tell her?

Not me.
I've made her cry enough.

I got the scoop.
I've done my part.

Well, I don't want
to do it.

I just got her over
being scared of me.

So we're in agreement.
If Marjorie doesn't die

from wrist-related
complications,

we'll make her
tell Wendy.

Good plan.

Here she comes. Shh.

Oh, does my face look like
it knows too much?

No, never.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- Hey.

There she is.

Marjorie's gonna be fine.
It's just a slight fracture.

She's getting a cast,
and then we can take her home.

JILL: Great. Super.

So she's not gonna die.

You know, you all didn't
have to come home with me.

Well, I live here
so I was coming anyway.

We just want
to make sure you're okay.

I'm fine.

Doctor said my wrist will heal.

Yeah, but you also
just got dumped

in a text
right before Valentine's Day.

Thank you for reminding me.

We're all here because we love
you, and we just want to help.

Can I get you a pillow?

If I need a pillow,
I'll get one.

Look around. It's like a
Pier 1 exploded in here.

All right, no pillow.

Do you want to talk about
what happened with Gary?

No.

Are you gonna call him? No.

Well, I say good riddance.
We never liked him anyway.

Jill! What?

Who didn't like him?

All of us. Jill!

What? I'm just
telling her the truth.

And as someone who's recently
been dumped herself,

I know
what you're going through,

and I just want to say,
men suck.

But Gary especially.

Not all men suck.

Adam's great,
80%, 85% of the time.

And I've got
a great guy, too.

What?

Well, if we'd gotten
some alone time

with Marjorie, she'd tell you.

Tell her what?

Okay, I'll jump
in front of the bullet.

Armand's married.

I'm sorry.
This must be devastating.

Oh, I know
he's married.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Really? It's not ideal,
but I'm okay with it.

But you never break the rules.

You won't even smuggle popcorn
into a movie,

and I know
'cause I've asked you to.

My purse was filled
with cheeseburgers.

Wait a minute.
Your boyfriend is married?

I know you're old and injured,
but try to keep up.

[snaps]

How are you okay with this?

You don't understand.
We had an instant connection.

I've never been with someone
who's this into me.

Yeah, well, I bet he was
into his wife at one point, too.

Honey, he'll say he'll leave
her, but he's never going to.

It's okay.

I'm fine with things
the way they are.

All right, since you didn't
have to break the news,

you can jump right into your
lecture about how wrong this is.

Do you want a glass of water,
cup of tea, or can you just go?

No lecture.

Great. Straight to yelling.

Mm, we can do anything
we want in sobriety

as long as we're willing
to accept the consequences.

Obviously,
Marjorie is delirious.

I'm jumping in.
Somebody make me some tea.

I have dated my share
of married men...

Back when I was drinking,
not proud...

And yes,
the secrecy was exciting,

and the thrill of that guy
getting something from me

that he couldn't get from
his wife made me feel special.

But here's
what I didn't understand,

because I wasn't married:

That guy's wife is a real person
with feelings,

and she probably
suspects something.

So don't think
you're not hurting someone,

because you are.

You know what I think?

I'm happy
and you can't stand it.

Do you still want the tea?

[gentle piano music playing]

- This is beautiful.
- Yeah.

Does it count as
one of those six courses?

'Cause I may want
to pace myself.

That is called
an amuse-bouche.

I did not know that.

I was told while you
were in the bathroom,

after I said, "I hope
the next course

- comes on a bigger plate."
- Ah.

- Well, it looks delicious.
- Should I take a picture?

No. I don't want to be
one of those people.

Yes, I do.

You look gorgeous.

I'm the luckiest
man in the room.

I got a look at the crowd
on the way to the bathroom,

and yes, you are.

I bought you
a little Valentine's Day gift.

God, how much sex
do you want tonight?

W-We may have to push
till tomorrow morning,

after six courses and
this bouche situation.

Hey, you two.

Jill, what are you
doing here?

Oh, just picking up.
I paid for this months ago

when I thought I would
still have a boyfriend,

but at least I get to eat in
my sweats, so that's a win.

[laughs] Well, enjoy
your Valentine's.

- Jill?
- Yeah.

Would you like
to join us?

Oh, no. This is a
couples-only zone.

No, come on, sit down.

Really?

Absolutely.

Okay. I'll go
ask for a chair.

You are so wonderful.

Later, I'm gonna
do something to you

that's only legal
in Thailand.

Okay, I know this isn't
the night you had planned,

but I worked really hard
on these fajitas,

and I think
you're gonna like 'em.

I'm not hungry.

Well, they're there
if you want 'em.

I won't.

Then they're just there.

I was gonna watch
Bridget Jones's Diary.

Is that okay with you?

A story about a woman
who can't keep her man? Why not?

Oh, I also have RoboCop.

Impossible to see
your current situation in that,

unless there's something
about Gary you haven't told us.

I don't care.

I know this is
hard for you,

but you still have so much
to be grateful for.

Like what? I'm old, I'm alone,
my bones snap like dry twigs,

and I get to spend
the next two weeks

taking a shower
with a plastic bag on my arm.

Is there anything I can do
to make you feel better?

Go back in time and tell me
not to dump Wayne for Gary.

[sputters]
I would if I could.

Then I'd go further back in time
and invent the zipper.

Though I don't know
when that was invented.

It'd be pretty embarrassing
if I show up and say,

"Hey, look what I invented!"

Then the real zipper guy
is like, "Nice job, loser."

- Can you eat your fajitas in your bedroom?
- Yes, I can.

Wendy, right?

I know. A married man?

Mm. I can't stop
thinking about it.

I finally got her
to stop thinking about it,

so can we change
the subject?

I'm even willing to go back
to panty liners.

[Bonnie and Jill laugh]

This was set to be
my worst Valentine's Day ever,

and I'm having fun.

Oh, I'd say my worst was
waking up in a Colombian jail.

Not sure how I got there.

Something to do with
selling illegal eels.

[laughs]

I was gonna tell
a harrowing story

about a flat tire in Fresno,

but I forgot
who I was having dinner with.

It's hard to unseat the champ.

Well, the truth is,

all my Valentine's Days
were the worst before I met you.

Aw.

I love you.
Can I open my present now?

There's a present?
Go, go, go!

- [ringtone playing]
- Oh, wait. No, no.

Don't open it till I'm off.

Hey, Tammy.

Marjorie's gone down
a rabbit hole,

and I don't know what to do.

She's sitting in the dark

muttering about
giving her cats away

to younger people.

- Oh, no.
- What's going on?

Marjorie's gone to a bad place,
and Tammy don't know what to do.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, Bonnie.
I'm out with her and Adam.

Why are you...?
Never mind. Let me talk to her.

Hey, Tam.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

- Two more for dinner?
- Uh-huh.

I heard about
the whole Gary text thing.

That's just messed up.
I'm sorry.

Thank you.

He didn't like
him, either.

Did everyone
hate Gary?

Hate's a strong word,
but it's the right word.

Why didn't anybody tell me?

Well, you seemed
so happy.

And we didn't want to
rain on your sex parade.

Oh, well, he was the grand
marshal of the sex parade.

[laughs]

But if I'm
completely honest,

I sometimes
found him challenging.

- He could be a bit opinionated.
- And a little overbearing.

Kind of a know-it-all.
He was a dick.

Don't say "dick"
in a swanky restaurant.

I don't know about women,
but guys have a rule

that you don't bash the ex
until you're sure

that they're not
getting back together.

Like the other person's dead,
preferably cremated

and you've looked
inside the urn.

[laughter]

He broke up with me by text,
so, in the words of Taylor Swift,

"We are never, ever,
ever getting back together."

[laughs]

Well, for what it's worth,
I think you can do a lot better.

Well, thank you.

And I'm starting
to feel a little better, too.

Maybe all I needed was
a night out with my gals.

Aw, you hear that?
You're one of the gals.

I'm honored.

Though, I think the people
in this restaurant think

I'm some sort
of cult leader.

[laughter]

You know the one thing
that's missing?

Ketchup? I think they're
pretending they don't have any.

Wendy. If I'm gonna have
a romantic Valentine's dinner

with all my girlfriends,
she should be here.

Excuse me.
We're gonna need another chair.

And I get that
you "don't have ketchup,"

but do you have ranch
or barbecue sauce or mustard?

Just looking for
a little dip here, sir.

I'm glad you called.

Having a boyfriend
who's with his wife

on Valentine's Day is rough.

Even though I violently disagree
with your choices,

I'm violently happy you're here.

- One for you.
- [gasps]

One for you.

Aw.

One for you.

- Oh.
- One for you.

Oh.

And two for you.

- [laughs]
- I'm no dummy.

[laughter]

You know, you see this happen
in restaurants,

and it's the hokiest thing ever,

and then it happens to you,
and it's so nice.

You're a classy
on of a bitch.

[gasps] Swanky.
I forgot.

Should we give
this another shot?

Ooh, tiny box alert.

[chuckles]

Oh, Adam.

It's beautiful.

Oh, let me see!

Oh, that's
a nice weight.

Oh, Adam, so elegant.

Really pretty.

There's an inscription.

Oh, yeah. Look, it says...

Ooh, probably
Bonnie should read it.

"No, sorry, no Linda here."

What does that mean?

Those are the first words
you ever said to me.

When I called the wrong number

that ended up
being the right number.

You're amazing.

I would like to propose
a toast.

To Adam Janikowski,

who has made our friend happier
than she has ever been,

and he also puts up
with all of us,

which is something
even we have trouble doing.

[laughter]

I knew when I married Bonnie

that I was also marrying
all of you.

And I'm good
with that.

I love you guys.

Oh.

Pay attention, ladies.

Don't settle for
anything less than this.

Wendy, don't you even
look at him.

[humming]

Well, somebody's got
their sparkle back.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I stopped at the
farmer's market on the way here,

and I got talking
to the cantaloupe man.

Long story short, we're
having coffee next Wednesday.

Oh, thank God.

I can put all the sharp
knives back in the kitchen.

The good news is
maybe it'll work out,

but the better news is,
even if it doesn't,

it's given me hope
that I've still got game.Mm.

The best news is
we can make jokes

about him squeezing
your melons.

[laughter]

Oh, I want
a cantaloupe man.

I really need to start
doing my own shopping.

No. I'd rather
be alone forever.

It's 'cause those were the
first words I ever said to him.

It was a wrong number.
Pretty magical story.

Hey, Bonnie, can I talk
to you for a second?

Yeah.

Later, I'll show you
pictures of our dinner.

My phone put them into a little
video with sentimental music.

It's actually very moving.

What's up?

I just want to let you know
that Armand and I broke up.

I'm sorry, but I do think
you made the right choice.

It wasn't my choice.
It was his.

But can we say
it was mine?

That's what I heard.

Synchronized by srjanapala