Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Horny-Goggles and a Catered Intervention - full transcript

Hi, I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Well, there's only nine
more dating days till Christmas,

and I'm starting to lose hope.

I mean, how is it this package has no one

to unwrap it on Christmas morning?

The holidays are rough
enough without drinking.

At this point, I'd let anyone...

Stuff my turkey...

put it in the oven and finish decorating.

I mean, I haven't had a boyfriend since...



1923.

With the year I've had,

with the cancer and the chemo...

The Brazilian butt-lift.

I mean, nothing's working.

I still don't have a guy to wake
up with on Christmas morning.

And it's just not the same

having your staff watch you
open your gifts, you know?

I mean, they say "Feliz Navidad,"

but their hearts aren't in it.

A little sex right now would be...

Difficult without a ladder.

I just, I need a guy
who can drag in a tree,

hang lights, put together
a toy for my kid...



Okay, and maybe...

cuddle me by the fire at his lake house,

tell me I'm special...

while he slowly undresses me.

Anyway, merry freaking Christmas.

Now you realize if we do this,

we are officially giving up.

Oh, don't ruin cake, it's all I have left.

Mmm.

Maybe we'll all meet guys at the dance.

For the last time, we are
not spending Christmas Eve

at a sober dance.

Why not? It's a sober dance.

We're gonna remember every minute of it.

Hey, everybody.

- Hi.
- Hey, roomie.

Look who's here.

Welcome back.

How was your church conference?

Great.

If I got paid by the
"amen," I'd be a rich woman.

Ooh, we're gonna need
another fork over here pronto.

What's been going on around here?

Well, a lot of people are very excited

about the holiday sober dance.

Oh, yeah, I got your E-vite. Can you come?

Well, I got to check my schedule.

That's a no, Wendy.

Did you get to any meetings in Atlanta?

No, we were really busy.

Well, you can jump back
in now that you're home.

Yeah, I guess.

This cake is really delicious.

It's the same cake I
ordered for the sober dance.

Oh, for God's sake, let it go.

You know, if we're gonna have a party,

we should have one for you.

That's right.

You're coming on two years sober.

- Hey.
- Great.

Mmm, congratulations.

Well, actually that's something
I wanted to talk to you about.

After a lot of soul-searching and prayer,

I, uh, decided I'm not an alcoholic.

You're not just saying that to
get out of the dance, are you?

If so, I'm not an alcoholic either.

So, first night of the conference,

a bunch of us went out to dinner,

and Reverend Baker ordered
a bottle of Cabernet.

The waiter filled my
glass, and I looked at it,

and I thought, "I think I can handle this."

And you know what?

I was right.

I didn't even finish my glass.

I did that once.

But only because the ambulance
driver insisted I put it down.

Here's the thing.

Alcohol was never my problem,
drugs were my problem.

Now, if Reverend Baker
bought us an eight ball,

I'd still be in Atlanta
looking for my panties.

But with wine, I'm okay.

So let me get this straight...
You're drinking now?

It's been a week,

and I've had, I don't
know, maybe three glasses.

By glasses, you mean bottles.

By bottles, you mean cases.

No, I mean glasses.

I hope you're okay with it.

You girls are my family.

I don't want this to change anything.

It won't.

This is a self-diagnosed disease.

If you don't think you have a problem,

who are we to say you do?

I'm gonna say it.

I was with her at her first meeting.

She had $10,000 worth of drugs
and a full minibar in her purse.

But no wine.

Bonnie, not our call.

So we're cool?

Once in a while, if I have a
glass of wine in front of you,

you're all okay?

Well, I think...

Marjorie, what do I think?

Regina, we love you,

and there's no judgment here.

Matter of fact...

Waiter, would you bring
our friend a glass of, uh...

Cabernet.

Cabernet.

Is this a trick?

Probably, she's like a Jedi.

Is anyone else hearing saxophone music?

Enjoy.

Thank you.

You sure this is okay?

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

So y'all have plans for Chr...

Just lip gloss.

How was your run?

Who cares?

No man's ever gonna see me naked again.

What do you say, after I take a shower,

we go pick up a tree?

I don't know.

Maybe we should just
skip Christmas this year.

Aw, what's wrong, Charlie Brown?

What's the point?

Roscoe and Violet aren't gonna be around,

Regina's drinking again,
and I saw what you bought me.

First of all, I saw what you bought me,

so we're both disappointed.

And the Regina thing is gonna be fine.

Do you honestly think
she can drink like normal

and nothing bad will happen?

Absolutely not.

She's on the bullet
train to "Booze-adelphia."

Then why are you so calm?

'Cause I just went through a relapse.

First you think you can control it,

and then you're making out with
a homeless guy in his dumpster,

and then you're back eating
stale doughnuts at a meeting.

Circle of life.

Oh.

Hey, Wendy.

I'm sorry to call so early, but
I'm worried sick about Regina.

See? She's upset about Regina too.

Really? She's usually such a rock.

My mom says hi.

Hey, Jill, what's up?

Hey, I can't talk loud,
Regina's in the kitchen.

I keep hearing the blender, and
I think she's making margaritas.

Regina's making margaritas.

Oh, God.

Regina's making margaritas.

First thing in the morning?

My bad, it's just a smoothie.

It's just a smoothie.

It's a smoothie.

Oh, that sounds good. What kind?

- What kind?
- What kind?

- Who cares?
- Who cares?

Strawberry.

Oh, hang on, I'm getting another call.

What's going on, Baxter?

Quick Santa-related question.

Candace and I were talking about
getting Roscoe the new Xbox,

but we won't if you think
it might make you look bad.

Well, actually, it will.

Okay, we did more than talk.

We already bought it.

He kind of already saw it.

And he's kind of playing with it.

Baxter.

I can tell him you want me to take it back,

but that might make you look bad too.

You think?

- Is she upset?
- Little.

Aw...

Baxter, do whatever you're gonna do.

- I've got a nightmare situation here.
- What's going on?

A dear friend of mine has
started drinking in moderation.

All hell is breaking loose.

Okay, I'm back; where are we?

Jill thinks we should have an intervention.

Jill thinks we should have an intervention.

- Does she know how to do one?
- Does she know how to do one?

Do you know how to do one?

I should, I've had 12.

- She's had 12.
- She's had 12.

We still need a grown-up.
I'm calling Marjorie.

- She's calling Marjorie.
- She's calling Marjorie.

Holiday hold music.

Oh.

- What's that?
- Holiday hold music.

Oh, fun!

I got her voice mail.

So I thought we'd do it in
here and keep things festive.

I don't think you quite grasp the concept.

Interventions are supposed
to be uncomfortable.

Oh.

Well, then we should
have had it at your house.

Crab puff?

You're having a catered intervention?

Mm-hmm, I got the same people
who did Lindsay Lohan's.

Let's not call this an intervention.

It's just friends telling a friend

she might die a horrible agonizing death.

In a festive room.

Jill?

Uh, second floor living room!

Okay, here she comes.

Should we hide?

It's not a surprise party.

Kind of is.

Hey, what's with the valet parking?

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, Regina, maybe you should sit down.

Okay.

Honey, we're... concerned

about some of the choices you're making.

Surprise.

Regina, I've been down this road.

Take it from me...

Oh, my God, you've got
to try the mushroom caps.

Wait a minute.

- Is this an intervention?
- Yes.

- No.
- But yes.

Weren't you listening to me?

I'm doing great.

Ever since I stopped going to meetings,

I've had time to go to the gym,

do volunteer work,

and spend more time at the office,

which has led to a pay
raise and a promotion.

You ask me,

I've got it more together
than any of you guys.

Marjorie, say something.

This wasn't my idea.

I knew this was gonna happen.

You just can't accept that
there might be another way.

Come on Regina, it's only a matter of time

before a couple drinks leads
to a line of blow and boom...

You're showing up to your kid's PTA meeting

in ass-less chaps and a sombrero.

Or your version of that.

You know what, if this is
what it's gonna be like,

I'm out of here.

But where you going?

I'm moving out of this house
and getting new friends.

We can still stay and eat, right?

Thank you.

Is he cute, or am I just
wearing horny goggles?

Goggles.

RSVPs are coming in.

♪ There'll be lots of
guys at the sober dance. ♪

♪ It doesn't help when you sing it. ♪

Look who's here.

Hey, Regina.

Oh, my goodness!

What a coincidence.

No it isn't.

Ladies?

This is my friend Marcus Manigault-Dupree.

Marcus?

This is Bonnie, Wendy, Jill,

Christy, Marjorie.

Nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you.

If you'll excuse us, we're just gonna grab

a quick bite before we
head back to my place.

For dessert.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

Now she has a boyfriend?

You promised me she'd be
kissing a bum in a dumpster.

But she's having afternoon sex
with Marcus Manigault-Dupree.

Give her time. She's going down.

Oh, please, the only person going down

is Marcus Manigault-Dupree!

Unbelievable.

I leave this by the mailboxes

to make it easy for the tenants

to give me a holiday tip, and all I got

was an Arby's coupon and a Polaroid

of a penis in a Santa hat.

- Give me that.
- No, I want to do it.

Whee!

Merry Christmas!

Hey, Mom, look, it's the
people from the catalog.

Come on in.

I'm sorry we're early, but
it started to snow in Tahoe

and you know there's
nothing like fresh powder.

Oh, you don't have to tell us that.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Aw, thank you, honey.

I got you a perfume that's
a little less obvious.

Oh, where does he get it?

And these are for you and Christy.

Oh, wow, how unexpected.

Oh, please, don't feel bad if
you didn't get anything for us.

We don't.

Don't be silly, Mom.

Of course we got them something.

Ah...

Here you go.

Merry Christmas from the Plunketts.

Arby's?

Yes!

Roscoe, your gifts are under the tree.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

Here you go.

Santa didn't forget about you.

We need to make this quick.

Candace wants to hit the road.

She's really got you on a short leash.

You need to man up.

Look at me, Christy. That ship has sailed.

What's going on?

I just want to ask your
opinion about something.

Okay.

You were around

towards the end of my drinking.

A lot of people were.

Paramedics, county sheriff, animal control.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But with the benefit of hindsight,

don't you think it's possible I
was just going through a phase?

A phase?

You were on a first-name basis

with the guy who pumped your stomach.

Oh, yeah... Phil.

Ironic name.

Where's this going?

Are you thinking of drinking again?

Well, maybe.

My friend's drinking again,

and she's doing great.

And look at you, you used
to smoke weed every day

and now you only do it once in a while.

Yep, just nights and weekends.

That's every day, but moving on.

You still put a tie on every morning,

you sell cars, you're a great dad.

You're thriving.

Those are the exact words
that my pot dealer used.

The thing is,

I think I could do that, too.

Oh, my God, no, Christy.

When you were drinking,
your life was a tire fire.

You'd disappear for days at a time.

And then to make things
worse, you'd come home.

I know, but I thi...

Look.

You can do whatever you want.

But I'd really hate for Roscoe

to ever see his mom drunk again.

Low blow.

Christy, maybe you haven't noticed,

but you're doing pretty great, too.

Thanks.

Baxter?

Short leash.

Sorry.

I just don't get why we're
apologizing to Regina.

I mean, we tried to help her
and she told us to go to hell.

Well, maybe we should've left her alone.

She certainly didn't ask for help.

But if she ever does,
we'll be there for her.

Hey, Ghost of Christmas
Past, give it a rest.

Isn't it a little weird just showing up

at her new place without a gift?

Should we stop and get
her a bottle of hooch?

I'm not stopping anywhere on Christmas Eve.

Jill, those earrings are nice.

Thank you!

Oh, my God!

These are the most beautiful
earrings I've ever seen.

I picked them out.

Happy housewarming/ Merry Christmas.

You really shouldn't have done this.

They look so expensive.

They are.

We just wanted to say we're sorry.

We were way out of line to think
we knew what was best for you.

Even though we do.

Ah, well, we should get going.

Christmas Eve.

You probably have plans with your fella.

Actually, Marcus is out
of town visiting his folks.

Why don't we order in Chinese food,

and watch some sappy Christmas movie?

As much good as that sounds,

we're going to Wendy's loser dance.

Sober dance.

That's what I said.

You wouldn't want to...

I wouldn't.

But, hey, let's have coffee next week.

Okay.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Well, she seems like she's in a good place.

Yeah, I'm glad we did that.

Me, too.

My ears are cold.

This is so much worse
than I thought it would be.

Yeah, whose genius idea was this?

On the bright side, three different people

brought Jell-O salad.

One person brought three different kinds

of Jell-O salad, thank you very much.

There are no cute guys here.

And they're ignoring us.

You know what, forget the guys.

I'm just happy to spend here

at Christmas Eve with people I love.

I'll not drink to that.

Does anybody want to dance?