Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - A Pirate, Three Frogs and a Prince - full transcript

Okay, hypothetical question:

Christy, you can't answer.

Why can't I answer? I want to answer.

Suit yourself.

I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right.

If I went gay, who here
would go out with me?

I don't want to answer.

Are we gay, too?

Or are we just really drunk at Mardi Gras?

You know, for beads.

Either way, I'm in.



Really?

She's sober and tall.
That's half my wish list.

Come on, you're not
really giving up on men.

You're just going through a little slump.

Marjorie, I haven't been
with a man in over a year,

and to be completely honest,
I'm not even concerned about sex.

I just want somebody to want me.

I understand that.

I didn't have an intimate relationship

for almost seven years.

I'd given up hope

that anybody would ever want me again.

Now, not only am I desired,

Victor and I are having intercourse



three times a week, like clockwork.

Seriously?

So, like, Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

Fridays, we like to watch Blue Bloods.

Bonnie, you want guys to notice you,

maybe you need to show a little more skin.

Yeah, I bet those long
legs look yummy in a skirt.

I might still be on the gay thing.

I guess I could dig out the Daisy Dukes.

Ugh! If you do that,

promise me you'll wear underwear this time.

Oh, just let it go.

Don't tell me to let it go.

We can never go back to
that shoe store again.

Okay. That's enough.

Let's pay the check and go to the meeting.

In all fairness, mom,

you really haven't

put yourself out there since Alvin died.

Yeah, well, your father
was a tough act to follow.

You really loved him, didn't you?

I think about him every day.

Aw, that's sweet.

So you gonna kick in for
your Cobb salad, or what?

How about Larry? He's single.

No, I don't like reformed heroin addicts.

They're so full of themselves.

Okay, how 'bout angry Mike?

Long-term sobriety, has a good job.

Pass.

I'm willing to date an angry man,

but not one who still uses a flip phone.

You're not dating any of them,

it's just practice.

Yeah, like when you're 14

and take a shower with your cute cousin.

Just go talk to a couple of guys,

get your mojo back.

Hey, what about Steve?

Steve? Really?

Yeah, he's perfect.

He's like a CPR dummy with hair.

And you're not related.

Fine. I'm going in.

Hold my triscuit.

Look at those legs go.

It's getting weird, Wendy.

Hey, Steve.

Hey.

I like your shoes.

Thanks.

I also have them in gray.

Nice.

Mind if I join you?

Well, somebody left these keys here

to save the seat, but... please.

That was a great meeting, huh?

Laurie reunited with her parents,

Sam got his 90-day chip...

Just one miracle after another.

Yeah.

You ever notice how
Steve looks like a pirate?

What?

Not an evil pirate.

More Johnny Depp-ish.

I'll give you the "ish" part.

You do know he was just supposed to be

somebody to practice flirting with...

That's all I'm doing.

It just helps if I can visualize him

as somebody who'd be on a bottle of rum.

Hey, Baxter. What's up?

Couple of things.

Is it cool if I drop off Roscoe

an hour early this Friday?

Sure.

Candace and I are going out to celebrate

the anniversary of our first date.

Great.

I got us a room at the Wine Country Inn.

Nice.

It's a package deal.

Champagne brunch, couple's
massage in the room.

Don't care, Baxter.

Yeah, you do.

Also, don't forget we've got

Roscoe's parent-teacher
conference tomorrow.

"Don't forget"?

You're telling me not to forget?

You, who used to live in a van?

You, who was arrested in a
Wal-Mart for not wearing pants?

Not fair.

I was there to buy pants.

I am the responsible one.

So don't call me and tell me not to forget.

You forgot.

Totally forgot.

Mother of the year.

Really?

You want to play this game?

I do not.

Where the hell is sixth grade?

Christy, over here.

Oh. Hey, Christy!

Candace.

Look at that.

You brought a date

to our son's parent-teacher conference.

Candace thought she
could provide some insight

into Roscoe's academic development.

We both thought that.

We both thought that.

Hi. You must be Roscoe's parents.

Two of us are.

Candace, hi.

Did you get my e-mail

about making costumes for the musical?

Three frogs and a prince.

I'm sewing away like a Cambodian sweatshop.

Candace is the room mom.

Well, I'm the mom mom.

No one's arguing that.

Mom mom beats room mom. Ask anybody.

Okay. So, before we get started,

I just have to ask...

Um, has there been a change

in Roscoe's living situation recently?

Yeah, he's been staying with us more.

If Roscoe's schoolwork is suffering,

we can certainly go back
to the original arrangement.

Oh, no, on the contrary,
he is doing terrific.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, in all of his subjects.

Math, science...

He's reading above grade level.

Oh, I do vocabulary
flashcards with him, so...

She does 'em with me too.

And I have made significant proclivity.

Well, whatever the situation is,

the change in Roscoe has been remarkable.

Really?

Well, that's great news.

Isn't it?

And you were so right

about limiting his TV time

and making sure that he has

a balanced and nutritious diet.

Yeah, you know, well,
I say that to all the parents

and so few listen.

Mmm.

Just so we're clear, I am the parent.

I may not listen, but I am the parent.

It's okay, Christy.

We all know you're doing
the best that you can.

Do not do the pity voice with me.

Oh, dear, now you're upset.

I am not upset, you big red turd.

Baxter, say something.

Yes, Baxter, say something.

Mrs. Lippert, may I use the bathroom?

Hey.

Oh, hey, Bonnie. Come on in.

Wow! Look at you!

Oh. Oh... laundry day.

Um...

So, what brings you by?

I was just looking for my daughter.

I thought I'd surprise
her and take her to lunch.

I think she's working
at the restaurant today.

Oh, fudge.

Probably should've called her first.

Well, if you'd called, then
you couldn't surprise her.

Oh, look at you, thinking like a lawyer.

I didn't graduate 281st
in my class for nothing.

So, uh, whatcha doin'?

Working on a big case?

I wish. I'm just a small town lawyer.

Don't sell yourself short,
you read all these books.

Not really, they came with the office.

Okay, well...

I guess I'll just... take myself to lunch.

Hang-hang on.

Let-let-let me
take you to lunch.

Really?

You're not too terribly busy?

No, I'm just trying to get bail

for some guy in county
lockup... he can wait.

Uh, so, what do you... what
do you feel like eating?

A salad or something?

I'm actually more of a meat-eater, Steve.

Baxter?

A moment?

Uh, okay.

- Meet you at the car?
- No problem.

Be a man for once.

What's up?

Knock it off.

Your balls just went to the car.

Your girlfriend needs to know her place.

I don't see what the problem is.

You heard the teacher.

Because of Candace our son is doing great.

Sure, now.

But what happens when you
dump her for some other bimbo?

Are you calling Candace a bimbo?

She went to Stanford. I'm, like,
the third guy she's ever slept with.

She told you you were the third guy?

Please, multiply that by nine,

and double it if she was in a sorority.

I'm too upset for arithmetic.

Baxter, don't you see what's happening?

This woman is inserting
herself into Roscoe's life,

playing at being his mom,

and we both know how this is gonna end.

No, you don't see what's happening.

This isn't gonna end.

I love Candace, and I'm gonna marry her.

Seriously?

I bought the ring.

I'm gonna propose Sunday
at the champagne brunch.

Slip the chef a few bucks

and have him cook it into her omelet.

That's very romantic.

Hope she doesn't choke on it.

I know, right?

Are you sure about this?

Yeah.

I thought maybe you'd be happy for me.

I really want to be,

but Candace is such a sneaky,
pushy, manipulative woman.

What can I tell you? I have a type.

Christy, is it really
the bread you're angry at?

Maybe it is. You don't know.

Honey, it's not a bad thing

that your son has more people who love him.

That's what I told her.

Well, despite that, it's good advice.

And you know Roscoe is never
gonna choose Candace over you.

Not necessarily.

I liked my father's second
wife way more than my mom.

Of course, we wore the same
size and she bought me vodka.

Bottom line, would you rather your son had

a horrible stepmother, who
made his life miserable?

How miserable are we talking?

You got a positive report
from Roscoe's teacher,

and a man you no longer
want is getting married.

You might want to stop and think

about why this bothers you so much.

She's dating Steve.

Hey!

Nicely done.

Bonnie, is that a good idea?

I am not dating him as
much as playing with him.

Like when you hold a piece
of yarn over a cat's head

and you get 'em spinning
around and they fall over.

First of all, you're never
coming near my cats again.

And secondly, Steve is
very fragile right now,

and you're playing a very
dangerous game with him.

Uh...

It's Wednesday, don't you
have some intercourse to do?

So... what could happen
if I sued for sole custody?

Well, it won't be pretty.

It sounds like your ex is
marrying into some big money,

so they can drag it out forever.

I guess I'll need a good lawyer.

So will your ex.

Will you give him my card?

Hey, uh, speaking of custody battles,

has your mom ever been to Cabo?

She has.

But she's not allowed back.

That is so Bonnie.

Sounds like you're a little smitten.

Oh, I'm way past smitten.

I'm "smoten."

"Smooten"? "Smahten"?

I just really like her.

You had one lunch.

I know, it's crazy.

I just can't help but feel

like there's something special between us.

I... I get that.

Just do yourself a favor and go slow.

You're right...

You're right.

You know, if we got
married, I'd be your stepdad.

Slower.

Take time to get to know each other.

Gee, I don't know, that might ruin it.

Ah, home, sweet home.

Sorry, I'm, uh, texting something to Steve

to whet his appetite.

He is going to wet everything.

I can't work this stupid thing.

Do you mind?

Yes, I mind. I am not taking
dirty pictures of my mother.

Would you rather a stranger do it?

Fine.

So what's
your endgame with Steve?

Just flirting, having fun.

- Really?
- Yeah, get my groove back

till I find somebody I like and I'm ready.

Great plan.

Except Steve's thinking marriage.

To me?

'Fraid so.

How the hell does he get to that?

I don't know, maybe a lamb chop lunch

with six feet of Daisy Duke.

Ah, crap.

Yeah.

So... I guess the question now is...

Do you want to be in a
relationship with him?

Hmm, I feel like I should
pretend that's hard to answer.

Why don't you do everybody a favor?

Sit down with him, tell
him he got the wrong idea

and that you just want to be friends.

Yeah, I guess.

So I should delete these?

Yeah.

Oh, wait...

Send this one to Wendy.
Let's see what happens.

Hey, before your dad gets
here, can we talk for a minute?

Sure.

Can you turn off the game?

I can talk and play.

Okay, um, so I talked to your teacher,

and she told me how great you're doing,

and I just want to tell
you I'm really proud of you.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry I'm not around more,

you know, to volunteer in your class and...

Make costumes.

I'm just trying to make
a better life for us.

I know.

That doesn't mean I don't love you

and miss you like crazy
when you're not here.

Look out for the zombie.

Got him.

Whoa, that is disturbingly violent.

Anyway, it's not always gonna be like this.

At some point, you and I will be able

to spend more time together.

Cool.

Yeah, cool.

So for now you're okay
with the way things are?

Yeah, sure.

- You like Candace?
- Yeah, don't you?

Um... another zombie.

He's dead. Again.

Boy, you are... really good at this game.

Yeah, so you didn't answer my question.

Do you like Candace?

Well, let's just say if you do, I do.

There is one thing about her
that kind of makes me mad.

Really? Tell me.

She doesn't let me play this game.

She says it's not good for me.

Well, you know what?

When you're in this house,

you can decapitate all
the zombies you want.

Thanks. Can we stop talking now?

Sure.

I love you.

Mom! Get off, get off! I can't see!

I don't care.

Mom! Zombies!

I'm really sorry if I gave
you the wrong impression.

I'm just not at a place
in my life right now

for a relationship.

I understand.

You're a great guy, Steve.

You're gonna find somebody,
just give it some time.

I hope we can still be friends.

You know, sober buddies together.

Sounds good.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah.

I just... kind of got ahead of myself here.

I do that sometimes.

I do the same thing.

- Ah, damn it, take off your pants.
- Thank you.