Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Kreplach and a Tiny Tush - full transcript

Ugh. You know, we could
never serve this where I work.

It's over roasted and totally acidic.

Jodi, it's an AA meeting.

The only thing this coffee
needs to be is not vodka.

You do know you two aren't
fooling anyone, right?

What are you talking about?

Mom, everyone knows you
and Steve are dating.

- No, they don't.
- JODI: Yeah, they do.

See? Why are you even
bothering keeping it a secret?

I don't like people gossiping
about my personal life.

You gossip about other people all the time.



I don't gossip, I deliver the news.

How come you're not
sitting with your boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend.

Oh, no. Did you break up?

We were never together.

Told you it wouldn't last.

This, right here... This is gossip.

(mouthing)

Well, you guys promised
me that if I stayed sober,

all the stuff in my life
would work itself out,

and, amazingly enough,
it's finally happening.

My law practice is starting to pick up.

Appreciate all the DUI cases
I get around here.

And best of all,



I'm actually starting to date.

Knock it off.

I started seeing this woman
who's just... incredible.

She's, uh, sexy and smart,

sophisticated,

got a heart of gold...

Uh-oh. He's cheating on you.

♪ ♪

(TV playing quietly)

(turns off TV)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Hiding.

From Gregory?

His mother. She's staying
with us for a couple of weeks.

Oh. Lucky you.

When did she get into town?

Three hours ago.

Aw... poor baby.

You can hide here as long as you want.

Thanks. Where's Grandma?

- She's on a date.
- Oh, with that lawyer guy?

- How do you know?
- Everybody knows.

Listen, I kind of need your help.

Anything, of course.

- (phone rings)
- Oh...

Oh, it's Jill. Just give me one second.

Hi, Jill, what's up?

Okay, I'm kind of in
the middle of something

with my daughter right now... can I...

Did not slow her down at all.

Okay, can I call you back later?

Great. Great, thanks.

What do you need?

So... Gregory's Mom would really
like to meet you and Grandma.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Yeah, I was hoping I could
put it off. No offense.

None taken. I'd try to hide us, too.

- So I was thinking maybe on Sun...
- (phone rings)

Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta take this.

Hey, Jodi, what's up?

Girl I'm sponsoring in AA.

Uh-huh.

Well, he is your boss.

Uh, he's allowed to tell you

to not to make personal
phone calls at work.

Is that him yelling at you right now?

Okay, why don't you call
me when you're on a break

or you've been fired. Okay, thanks, bye.

Wow, so people actually
call you for advice?

Well, drunks and drug addicts call me.

Nobody with good judgment.

- So, uh, your future mother-in-law.
- Yeah.

I was thinking we could all
go out for dinner Sunday night.

She can meet you, hate you,
we can all be home by 9:00.

First of all, she is not going to hate us,

we'll be on our best behavior.

You'll swear we're other people.

And secondly,

I think we should do it here.

Why?

It's a family dinner, we
should pretend to be one.

I guess.

Come on, it couldn't be worse than
the first time I met Baxter's Mom.

I know, I was just talking
about it in therapy.

You were so drunk, how
do you even remember it?

Easy. They send you a
copy of the police report.

Did someone order a large pizza

with a side of me?

This is a nice surprise.

It's about to get a whole lot nicer.

You just need to decide,
which do you want first?

Keeping in mind the pizza will get cold

but this will stay hot forever.

Oh, I want you.

That's the right answer, but I'm starving,

so we're gonna start with pizza.

Can I tell you a secret fantasy I have?

Ooh, if it's me, pizza and another girl,

I get to pick the girl.

Actually, I'd love for us

to go out to lunch or dinner sometime,

like a regular couple.

Then what?

That's it.

We'd have lunch or dinner.

Huh.

That's not even one shade of Grey.

You know, Steve, I kind of like

what we got going on here,
let's not mess with it.

Yeah, I-I like it too, it's just, uh,

sometimes it feels, like you
don't want to be seen with me.

What are you talking
about? That is so not true.

Look, I know we agreed to keep it discreet,

but at a certain point, I got to wonder

are-are we boyfriend and girlfriend

or just quickies and takeout?

Well, you say quickies and
takeout like it's a bad thing.

I'm not asking you to marry
me, I'm just asking for us

to go out to dinner sometime.

Maybe... see a movie?

Take a romantic walk in the park.

(sighs heavily)

Why do I always have to be the guy?

Hey, just because I have feelings

doesn't mean I'm not a man.

Eh, it kind of does.

Do yourself a favor, save
your feelings for your diary.

It's not a diary.

It's a journal.

That is not helping your case.

Yeah, well, my sponsor
told me I needed a way

- to safely express my emotions.
- Wow.

And the mood is killed.

- I'll call you later.
- Okay.

Bye...

Well...

Opening up my heart to her, was a mistake.

You looking forward to meeting
Violet's future mother-in-law?

Actually, I am.

Great thing about being
sober for a while is,

I've got more confidence now.

Well, you should.

Yeah. I don't mean to be cocky but,

I kind of have a sparkle.

A sparkle?

Maybe it's a twinkle, could be a twinkle.

So what are you gonna cook for her?

(phone chimes)

Oh. Jill again.

Problems with her ex.

Anyway, I'm making a
traditional Jewish dinner:

Flanken, kreplach, and kugel.

Oh, my.

What is it?

The first thing that came up when
I Googled “Jewish dinner.”

(phone chimes)

Jill again?

Jodi.

I love her, but, man,

ex-meth heads are so chatty.

And they are terrible spellers.

Why don't you just turn your phone off?

I can't do that. I'm her
sponsor, she needs me.

I get it, but you still
need to set boundaries.

Easy to say, hard to do.

Not really.

Call me, I'll show you.

Okay.

(phone ringing)

So what else is going on? How's work?

Wait, aren't you gonna answer it?

No, 'cause I'm visiting
with my friend Christy

and I'm gonna give her all my attention.

But, what if phone Christy needs you?

What if she's in some kind of crisis?

She's always in some kind of crisis.

Hang on, voice mail.

Hi, Marjorie, I just want you to know

you hurt my feelings and
I'm borderline suicidal.

See, that's an example of the
kind of thing that can wait.

I don't know what to do.

Steve is pushing for
us to be a real couple.

You know, dinners, movies,
holding hands and stuff.

He's a monster, dump him.

You don't get it.

We start doing all that and I'm locked in.

- Yeah, so?
- So what if somebody better

comes along while I'm having
a dorky walk in the park?

Mom, from the bottom of my heart,

I just got to tell you...

Your problems are stupid.

(oven timer dings)

That's my kugel.

Hey, I listen to your problems.

Last night you jabbered on for a half hour

on the length of your bangs.

Had to. Marjorie wasn't picking up.

She's right, I do make everything a crisis.

How do you tell the
difference between the kugel

and the flanken?

- You put the kreplach between 'em.
- Ah.

(phone chimes)

Oh, Steve, you're driving me crazy.

Just turn off your phone.

You can do that?

I did. It's called setting boundaries.

All right, phone off.

(door opens)

VIOLET: Mom, we're here.

Coming. Now remember,

we're nice people and we love each other.

I'll give it a shot.

Welcome to our home.

Where nice people love each other.

Christy, Bonnie, this
is my mother, Phyllis.

- Hello, how do you do?
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. So you're the mother?

What, you had Violet when you were 16?

No, 17.

And a half.

I had her when I was 16.

All right.

When I was 16, I was at
summer camp rowing a canoe.

Great story, Ma.

Thank you so much for having us over.

Our pleasure.

And I brought a nice bottle of wine.

Oh. Thank you.

You do know we don't drink, right?

Oh, yeah, I know. It's for me.

Open it now.

Well, no one was more surprised than I was

when these two got engaged.

I mean, Gregory hasn't
had a girlfriend since...

What was her name? The one with the teeth.

I don't know, Ma. They all had teeth.

Rachel. Rachel Levine.

I liked her. You ever hear from her?

(chuckling): No. I-I don't hear
from any of my ex-girlfriends.

(Phyllis chuckles)

“Ex-girlfriends.”

Listen to Tom Jones over here.

Don't you worry, Violet.

There was only the one.

So, what is this I'm eating?

It's flanken.

(laughs) No, it's not.

But it was sweet of you to try.

Would you like some
more wine, Mrs. Munchnik?

Oh, thank you. And, please, Bonnie,

we're only a few years
apart... Call me Phyllis.

(mouthing)

- So, do you miss the booze?
- Oy.

What? I'm curious.
I've never met an alcoholic.

What about Uncle Artie?

Zsz-zsz-zsz.

My brother Arthur was not an alcoholic.

He just didn't know when to stop drinking.

Isn't that essentially...

Zsz-zsz-zsz.

(knocking on door)

Excuse me.

Look at that tiny tush. I hate her.

Hey. I gotta stay here for a couple days.

CHRISTY: Um...

Yeah, we have guests.

Sorry. I texted you, like, 1,000
times but you didn't answer.

Who is this person?

Hi, I'm Jodi.

Ah. You're Violet's friend?

No, Christy's my sponsor.

I'm lost.

I'm helping her stay sober.

Why do you need to crash here?

'Cause my sister's a bitch.

- What happened?
- Mom, can you do this another time?

Hang on, Vi. What happened?

I-I guess I borrowed her car
without telling her first,

and she totally freaked out on me.

Oh, this is an easy one... You're wrong.

Go make amends to your sister
and get your ass to a meeting.

- But she was really mean to me.
- Go!

(sighs heavily)

Believe it or not, I am
so proud of that girl.

So, Christy, I have to ask,

what inspired you to go back
to school to become a lawyer?

Well, actually, it was
something I've wanted to do

since I was a kid.

I saw this one get hauled off by
the police a bunch of times, and...

I wanted to help her.

You couldn't just say you
read a book about Lincoln?

You know, that's interesting. I got
into psychology to help my mother.

As you can see, it didn't work.

(laughter)

Cute.

I thought it was to understand
your obsession with boobies.

I had to breastfeed him till he was four.

Ma...

Yeah, you want to zetz with the
big boys, that's what happens.

So, we gonna talk about the age difference

with these two or what?

Please let's go back to boobies.

Christy, tell me that you're not concerned.

Well, I-I was at first,

but they both seem

happy together, and...

isn't that what's important?

Hmm. Thank you, Mary Poppins.

How 'bout you?

Well, Phyl...

Who am I to judge? I'm
a middle-aged woman.

What does that got to do with anything?

I just wanted you to know I'm
a lot younger than you are.

(knocking on door)

Why don't I get that.

Now, that's a zetz.

What are you doing here?

You wouldn't answer your phone,
you don't return my texts.

I want to know what's going on.

What's going on is we've got company.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

- No!
- No?!

I demand to be heard!
I am not your secret sex toy!

(quietly): Do something.

Mom, you mind taking your
dumb-ass life outside?

Sure. Move.

Can you imagine what they
were like when they drank?

(quietly): Mom, please...

I'm tired of letting
you call all the shots.

Now, are we in a real relationship or not?

Wow. I've never seen this
forceful side of you before.

Well, sometimes a man's got...

- Well, I don't like it!
- Okay.

Is Christy here? I need to talk to Christy.

Yeah. She's inside. What's going on?

My ex-husband is having a baby

with his skanky anesthesiologist,

which is crazy, because he never
wanted to have a baby with me.

(forced laugh) I mean, why wouldn't
anybody want to have a baby with me?!

So you can't even take a Xanax?

No.

We face our difficulties
with dignity and grace.

Christy, I need you.

My husband knocked up his whore.

Everybody, this is Jill.

Jill, this is...

Don't care.

Why don't you answer your phone?

Let's talk in the kitchen.

Mom, can't you do this later?

Just need five minutes.

JILL: I would've been a wonderful mother!

Maybe six minutes.

Maybe we should go.

Are you kidding? This is
like dinner and a show.

STEVE: You'll regret this, Bonnie Plunkett!

You're gonna miss my lovin'!

Act two.

Whew... (sighs)

Sorry about that.

Is everything okay?

Not really. I had to end it with him.

All because he didn't want
to be your secret sex toy.

Oh, for God's sakes.

They say these things out loud.

I shouldn't listen?

It wasn't him.

It's just hard for me to make a commitment.

Yeah? Why is that?

Well, I don't know if Violet told you but,

the love of my life died last year.

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

How did he die?

- We were in bed together...
- Mom! Now!

I'm sorry. Two more minutes.

Oh, forget it. Let's just get out of here.

Violet, please, I'm trying.

Yeah, you're always trying.

I asked you for one normal family dinner

and you couldn't do it.

Hey, friends come to me for help.

I am not gonna turn them away.

- Yeah, but I'm...
- There's no buts.

People were there for
me when I needed them.

Now it's my turn.

Great. And as always,

it doesn't matter what I need.

Let's go.

Wait, may I say something?

Say it in the car.

When I came here tonight,

I didn't know what to expect.

I mean, alcoholics, drug addicts,

felons, gentiles...

But, Christy,

what-what you're doing
with the tattoo girl

and that basket case in the kitchen...

it's a mitzvah.

A whatzvah?

A mitzvah. It means “a good deed.”

Huh. I thought it was that big cracker.

That's-that-that's matzoh.

Say the other one again.

Mitzvah.

Violet, your mother helps people.

What's better than that?

I don't know. She could help me.

Aw. What do you need help with?

You're beautiful, you're young,

you're intelligent,
you're gonna marry my son,

have ten nice years with him.

Ten?

Yeah. The over-under's six.

The bottom line is you
should be very grateful

that this wonderful woman is your mother.

Thank you, Phyllis.

You're very welcome, dear. (chuckles)

This really is the most
adorable little tushy.

What the hell am I eating?

I've been asking that all night long.

So, go figure... Ever since the dinner,

we can't stop talking like
we're in Fiddler on the Roof!

Enough already with that verkakte story.

You're breaking my kishkes.

Oy.

See? It's contagious.

No, Steve just walked in.

With a shiksa.

(sighs) I'm such a schmuck.