Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Cornflakes and the Hair of Three Men - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hey.

Both: Bad news.

Both: Not again!

You go first.

Remember the temporary crown

I got at that dental clinic
in Tijuana a few years ago?

Yeah.

I swallowed it.

Total waste of 800 pesos.

So you need to go to the dentist.

Yeah, and both my passports are expired.



What's your bad news?

- I got laid off.
- What?

The restaurant's closing for
six weeks for renovations.

And they're not paying
you during the down time?

They're only carrying the employees

they can't afford to lose.

Oh, well, then you're out.

I'd like to argue with you, but yeah.

So we're looking at six
weeks with no income.

Wow. I should've savored
that Mexican crown.

Might be the last
thing I eat for a while.

Hang on. Let's not panic.

We just need to stay
cool and make a plan.

You're right.



We can think our way out of this.

(Sighs)

I think I'll just stick with coffee.

How 'bout you?

I'd like a bowl of very hot
water and six ketchup packets.

Come on. You guys got
to order something.

Yeah, I can't enjoy my meal

with you two shoving your

(whispering): Poverty, in my face.

Why are you whispering?

I'm sorry.

I just assumed you were embarrassed

and filled with shame.

Not until right now.

Pick something off the menu. My treat.

Thanks, but we don't need your charity.

Chicken potpie and a vanilla milkshake.

Twice.

If you're really up against it,

Victor and I would be happy
to lend you some money.

Thanks, Marjorie, but as your friend,

I have to tell you, never lend me money.

So how are you gonna live?

Well, for the time being,

this one's job covers the rent,

but we still have credit card bills,

my student loans...

My hillbilly mouth.

Hey, why don't you come work for me?

Seriously?

Yeah, I was actually thinking

of hiring a personal assistant.

To do what?

Assist me.

With my... personal stuff.

God, Jill, that'd be great.

Marjorie: Hold on, ladies.

Friends working for friends
isn't always a good idea.

Why do you always do that?

Do what?

Something good is happening here

and you're all like,

(whining): Whaaa-whaaa-whaaa.

(Whiny): I am not.

Jill, thank you.

You're saving my life.

When do I start?

How about now?

Here's a quarter.

Go feed my parking meter.

I'm on it, boss.

Oh, could you feed mine, too?

Sorry, I don't work for you.

See you later.

What time are you gonna be back?

No idea.

Did Jill tell you what
you're gonna be doing?

Nope. She just told me

to bring a laptop and a bikini.

Seriously? A bikini?

I'm bringing a one-piece.

I thought it'd be a
little more professional.

Okay, I gotta go.

I don't want to be late
for my first day of...

I have no idea.

(Cell phone ringing)

Hello?

No, sorry, no Linda here.

That's okay. Bye.

(Cell phone ringing)

Hello?

Man: Is this Linda?

Nope. Still wrong number.
What were you trying?

Uh, 707-637-5839.

That's this, but there's no Linda here.

Oh, man.

She blew me off.

What's that?

I met this girl at a bar last night,

and it looks like she
gave me a bogus number.

Oh, yeah. I know that trick.

I used to give the Domino's number,

so at least they'd
get a pizza out of it.

Hey, that's thoughtful.

I try.

Okay, well, have a good day.

Yeah, you, too.

(Cell phone rings)

I'm starting to see why
Linda gave you a bogus number.

Oh, no, I-I'm sorry.
I just have to ask:

Why would a woman pretend
to hit it off with a guy,

and then give him a fake number?

Lots of reasons.

Maybe she didn't want
to hurt his feelings.

Maybe she's married.

Maybe he's just a garden variety uggo.

Well, I know it's not the last one.

A lot of women consider
me rakishly handsome.

Are these women your
Mom and your grandma?

They're on the list, yes.

Well, you sound like a terrific guy.

I hope you meet the
lady you're looking for.

Thanks.

It wouldn't happen to be you, would it?

Sorry. I'm happily married
and have 11 children.

No, you're not.

How do you know?

'Cause no one with 11 children

is happily married.

(Sighs)

Christy, I need you to make

reservations for lunch at Tra Vigne.

Sure.

For what time?

I don't know.

What time do you want to eat?

How about after our tennis lesson?

That sounds good.

We also have to go shopping later.

What do you need?

A personal assistant who dresses better.

(Vibrating): You're buying me clothes?

Well, somebody should.

Um, okay.

Also, do you think
you could start talking

with a British accent?

What?

Well, I just think a British
assistant is classier.

(Cockney accent): I'll
give it me best, guv'nah.

Never mind.

Now I feel like I hired an orphan.

How cool is that?

How long were you a stuntman?

Man: Over 30 years.

Would I have seen you in anything?

Uh, maybe.

Ever watched a movie
where a guy gets in a car

and turns the ignition
and the car explodes?

- Yeah.
- I'm that guy.

Oh, my God. I love your work.

(Laughs) Thank you.

So what do you do?

Nothing very exciting.

I manage an apartment building.

Really? What's that like?

Oh, you know, when your toilet overflows

and you call someone to
help and they never show?

- Yeah.
- I'm that guy.

Oh, man, I hate that guy.

You're not alone.

So how are we doing on the meat loaf?

I put the eggs in. What's next?

Add a tablespoon of curry.

A whole tablespoon?

Will you trust me?

Fine. I'm putting it in.

Okay, now really put it in.

How did you know?

We've been talking a while.

I get that you have trust issues.

Nice. A guy who listens.

You sure you're straight?

Yes.

Said the man who's giving
you his meat loaf recipe.

(Door closes)

Christy: Hey.

In here.

I... love my job.

(Sighs)

Is that Christy? Hi, Christy.

Um... hi, voice.

Adam, I gotta call you back.

You better. I mean, hey,
you do whatever you want.

What was that about?

Wrong number.

What happened to you?

Oh, this?

Mm-mm.

These are my new work clothes.

And so are these,

and so are these.

She took you shopping?

Yep. I also got my hair done.

Upstairs and downstairs.

Got a little landing strip,
in case I get laid in the fog.

How is getting waxed part of your job?

Jill wanted to see how it
looked on me before she did it.

Ooh! I might be getting
new boobs next week.

(Laughing)

You were totally right about this movie.

It's hilarious.

Adam: Different side of
Clint Eastwood, isn't it?

You mean the side that
makes movies with monkeys?

It's not a monkey. It's an orangutan.

And he was a real jerk.

You're kidding.

I wish. I was his stunt double.

Furry bastard wouldn't
give me the time of day.

What's going on?

Adam and I are watching...
What are we watching?

"Every Which Way But Loose"

Oh, yeah, with the monkey.

It's an orangutan.

That's my girl.

Right.

Can I talk to you for
a minute in private?

Uh-oh, Bonnie's in trouble.

Be right back.

What are you doing?

What? I met a nice guy.

We're getting to know each other.

- How do you know he's a nice guy?
- I can tell.

- Did you Google him?
- No. We agreed not to Google.

Besides, neither of
us is looking to date.

We're just enjoying
each other's company.

You're not doing phone
sex or anything weird?

Okay, first of all, phone
sex can be beautiful.

And no, nothing's weird.

All right.

Where are you going so late?

I have to go buy Jill a box of condoms.

And yes, it's weird.

I'm back.

Everything okay?

My daughter thinks what
we're doing is weird.

Do you think it's weird?

I don't care. I'm having fun.

Me, too.

- You hungry?
- Uh, a little bit.

Come on. Let's go make a sandwich.

Okay, now it's a little weird.

Jill?

Thank God.

I was running out of dirty talk.

I didn't know what you liked,

so I got flavored, ribbed
and glow-in-the-dark.

I guess that's in case
you lose track of him.

Extra large.

You know me so well.

I didn't know you were seeing someone.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, he's very private.

(Whispering): And kind of famous.

You're having celebrity sex?

Who is it? Is it someone good?

I'm sorry.

I really can't say.

Hey, you owe me.

I just got slut-shamed

by the cashier at the pharmacy.

No. Now I gotta go.

I got a semi-aroused
household name upstairs.

Wait, Jill, one more thing.

What?

Please tell me who it is?

Good night.

Wow.

A famous person's putting
on a condom that I bought.

(Cell phone ringing)

Hey, you.

What are you doing?

Actually, you caught me
coming out of the tub.

I'm dripping wet.

Really?

I just finished working out,

so I'm all sweaty, and, you know...

Feeling pretty darn
good about being a man.

What are you really doing?

I'm in my underwear eating cornflakes,

watching a dog show.

Looks like the Pomeranian’s

going to take the whole freakin' thing.

What are you really doing?

I am totally coming out of the bathtub.

(Laughs) Fine, be that way.

So what do you got going on today?

Well, some stuff around the building,

and then I'm off to an AA meeting.

Oh, you go to those things every day?

Just when I'm feeling crazy so... yeah.

- I'm impressed.
- Thanks.

(Can opening)

That was a beer can.

I'm toasting you.

Please tell me you
don't drink light beer,

'cause that's a deal breaker.

Light beer?

None of the buzz and all the pee?

No, thanks.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you two just meet already?

Mind your own business.

Adam, are you a serial killer?

Uh, no.

Big cereal eater, though.

There you go. Nice guy. Nice lady.

Hang up the phones, pop a mint,

and go get a cup of coffee.

Get out of here. Go to work.

Sorry about that.

(Door closes)

She's a little pushy.

Wonder where she gets it from.

I mean, uh, we don't
need to meet, right?

This is fun the way it is.

This is great.

I've said things to you

I've never been able
to say to anyone else.

Hello?

Did I lose you?

No. I-I'm just thinking.

I'm a little curious.

Yeah, me, too.

I mean, we did already
take a nap together.

That's true.

You snore, by the way.

Sorry. 20 years of cocaine
will make you a mouth breather.

So should we do it?

Yeah. Sure.

Okay. Great. Tonight.

Burgundy Bistro.

8:00 and I'll wear a red scarf.

I'll wear a Raiders cap.

Well, the Niners would
be better, but okay.

Oh, wait, you're not
hiding a bald spot, are you?

Are you kidding me?

I've got the hair of three men.

As long s it's on your head, I'm in.

Again, I'm really sorry.

Oh, stop. It's fine.

Are you sure, 'cause I'd be happy

to look into getting
you a new tennis coach.

There is nothing wrong
with my tennis coach.

You just got lucky.

You're right.

Three sets in a row.

Okay. I think we're done for today.

Thank you very much.

Oh, okay.

So as of now, I'm off the clock?

You are off the clock.

So I can speak to you as a friend.

Of course.

Who's the famous guy
you're sleeping with?

I can't tell you that.

Why?

It's complicated.

What do you mean, complicated?

Oh, he's married.

Oh, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill.

See? This is why.

Hey, I am not judging you.

I've made the same mistake.

Not with a famous person.

My guy was a loser.

The point is, it never ends well.

Thank you for your concern.

- Are we done now?
- No.

You're a smart, beautiful woman.

You don't have to settle.

I'm not settling.

We're very happy with
the way things are.

Oh, really?

Does your big celebrity have any kids?

Two.

But they're very unpleasant,

so your heart doesn't go out to them.

Do you really want to
be the kind of person

who breaks up a family?

I love him and he loves me.

- How do you know?
- Because he told me.

Okay, he's just... he's waiting

for his daughter to go off to college,

and then he's asking for a divorce.

How old is his daughter?

Six.

Look, I know what you're thinking,

but I'm willing to wait.

He's worth it.

Oh, come on. If he really
loves you, make him prove it.

Tell him to choose.

I can't do that.

Why not?

I don't know.

I guess... 'cause I'm scared
that if I push too hard,

I'm gonna get an answer
I don't want to hear.

Okay, well, it's your life.

I just think you deserve better.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go take a shower.

Jill, wait. One more thing.

What?

Please tell me who it is.

I'll let you beat me at tennis!

Ready to order?

No, thanks. I'm waiting for someone.

Oh.

I'm sorry, but you
look horrible in that.

Oh, man.

She's beautiful.

I can't.

(Crying): I can't
believe I took your advice

and told him he had to make a decision.

Really?

Was that my advice?

I actually convinced myself
he was going to pick me.

But he didn't.

(Blowing nose)

(Snorts)

How could he give all this up?

(Crying)

Oh, Jill, I-I'm so sorry.

But isn't it better you found out now,

rather than let him string you along?

No. 'Cause now I'm all alone

and miserable like you.

Hey.

Hey.

How did it go with Adam?

Um, nice guy,

but I don't think there's
any real chemistry.

Better off on the phone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No big deal.

What's her problem?

I broke up with
you-know-who.

Oh, well, we both knew
that was gonna happen.

W-w-wait.

You know who
you-know-who is?

Yeah.

You told her and you won't tell me?

She was there when we met.

Let's go in the kitchen
and I'll make you some tea.

Thanks.

Fine. Whatever.

Keep your little secret.

I don't care

Come on, you guys!