Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Nazi Zombies and a Two-Hundred-Pound Baby - full transcript

Christy: Sorry I'm late!

Got stuck at work.

Just in time.

Pull up a seat.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, Mom.

This is dinner? Pizza and French Fries?

What is this, a bowling alley?

He is not allowed any carbs
at your ex-husband's house,

so we're lobbying for his affection.

Really? No carbs?

Candace makes us eat
sandwiches wrapped in lettuce.



I'm sorry, but that's not a sandwich.

Aw, poor guy.

Remind me to slip a dozen bagels

in his overnight bag
before he goes back there.

No pumpernickel.

So what else is going on?

How was your week?

Fine. Mostly stayed in my
room and played "Call of Duty".

I thought Candace

didn't let you play violent video games.

She didn't notice. She was
too busy fighting with Dad.

Really? What about?

Pretty much everything Dad does.

(Mouthing)



Did you hear anything specific?

No, I put on my headset

and just focused on
killing Nazi zombies.

And a grateful nation thanks you.

Roscoe, if your Dad and Candace fighting

is stressing you out, I need to know.

I'm okay.

When I need to relax, I
just jump into the jacuzzi.

It really takes you away.

Christy: Love you,
sweetie. Sweet dreams.

Roscoe: Love you, too, Mom.

If I make him pancakes for breakfast,

he'll be mine forever.

Did you get any more dirt
on the unhappy couple?

Only that Baxter spends a lot
of nights in the guest room.

Only? That's huge.

I know.

I'm trying to feel bad about it,

but my face keeps doing this.

Might be time to reconsider
Baxter having shared custody.

Yeah.

If my son's gonna be
in a toxic environment,

he might as well live with us.

We may be crazy, but we can eat toast.

Not tomorrow. We're having pancakes.

I don't want to oversell
it, but car and driver

called this baby the Korean Maserati.

Baxter?

Hang on.

Feel free to sit inside.

There's 11 cup holders.

See if you can find them all.

Hey, this is a nice surprise.

Lookin' for an economy car

that J.D. Power calls
"surprisingly acceptable"?

No, actually, I need to
talk to you about our son.

He okay?

Yeah, fine.

We just need to talk.

Um, okay, my manager's watching.

Do you mind if I pretend
you're a customer?

If you don't mind me pretending

I have enough money to buy a car, sure.

Step right in, ma'am.

Good news, you can drive
this beauty off the lot,

no money down, no payments for a year.

How do we do it? We're crazy, is how!

So, what's up?

Well, last night Roscoe mentioned

that there's a lot of
tension in your house.

Ah, damn.

He's feeling it, Baxter,

and I'm a little worried about him.

I'm sorry.

I bought him
noise-canceling headphones,

but they don't cancel Candace.

Would it be better if he stayed
with me until things calm down?

Probably.

Not that it's any of my business,

but, what's going on?

I don't know.

The closer we get to the
wedding, the more we fight.

It's over everything: the
band, the guest list...

You're not invited, by the way.

You suggested inviting your ex-wife?

Yeah, and she threw a Slim-fast at me,

which, even though it's only
190 calories, still hurts.

Don't tell me, she's dieting
to fit into the wedding dress?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Unless, you know,

she gets trapped in a mine for a month.

Baxter, all brides are stressed out.

You weren't.

I was trippin' on mushrooms.

I thought I was marrying
the Cowardly Lion.

You kind of were.

(Chuckles)

Man, I didn't know how good I had it

when I was married to you.

That's really sweet, thanks.

And if you ever want to
get out of this wedding,

just say that to Candace.

We did have some good times, you and me.

Yeah, we really did.

So, are you gonna be all right?

I guess.

I hope you know I want you to be happy.

It's too late to be happy.

The wedding invitations
have already gone out.

(Sobbing loudly)

He just can't believe the savings!

Oh, and get this,

Candace made him wax
all the hair off his body

because he sheds on
her expensive sheets.

All the hair?

He must look like a 200-pound baby.

(Laughter)

It just ticks me off,

because she doesn't
accept him the way he is.

Isn't that our job as women?

To reject a man as he
is and call it love?

(Giggles)

Yeah, well, I just

don't like seeing him get pushed around.

Hold on, is this the same Baxter

I've heard you bitch about
at every single meeting?

Hey, the only person I bitch about

at every single meeting is her.

You are obsessed with me.

And he's not the same
Baxter, he has changed.

Is it just me, or does she
have a lady-stiffy for her ex?

"Lady-stiffy"?

(Whispering)

Oh.

Ugh.

But yes, I agree.

Wendy, what do you think?

Schwing!

You're all crazy.

I spent years with that guy,

watching him get high
and fail at selling pot

because he was too
paranoid to answer the door.

Yeah, but he's all cleaned up now.

He's got a good job, bright future,

and without hair, probably moves
pretty quick through the water.

- (Laughter)
- Christy, all kidding aside,

do you still have feelings for this man?

Yeah, do you?

Oh, my God! You have to think about it?

No, I don't!

Then what was the pause?

That was a normal, pre-sentence pause.

Um...

No, it wasn't.

(Women giggling)

That's not fair!

Your pause was way longer than my pause.

You still haven't answered the question.

I have no feelings for him!

Okay, you answered that weirdly fast.

- You did.
- Too fast.

Schwing!

Oh, your skin is so smooth,

it's like having sex with a dolphin.

(Timer dings)

Wendy: Did you guys not hear the timer?

Told you!

Yeah, she still has feelings for him.

Hey. Not a single hair.

(Women laughing)

Whoa!

Want to talk about it?

(Knocking at door)

Hey.

Oh, hey, you're early.

Sorry. Roscoe ready?

No, he's on a bike ride with my Mom.

Oh.

Uh... okay if I hang out?

Sure.

You want a cup of coffee?

Thanks.

So caffeine's, like, the only
drug you have left, right?

No, I had a cold on New Year's Eve,

and got to huff a little Vaporub.

Nice.

Man, you and me had some
crazy New Year's Eve's.

And New Year's Day's,
checking all the hospitals

and jails trying to find each other.

You were always in the
last place I looked.

So, what's going on with the honeymoon?

You make any plans?

Two weeks in Italy.

Ooh, that'll be fun with no carbs.

That's the least of it.

Candace doesn't want us speaking
English while we're there

so we don't come off like
stupid American tourists.

But, you don't speak Italian.

(Italian accent): And
there's the problemo.

Thanks.

So, uh, what's going on in your life?

Seeing anybody?

No, not really.

There's a guy in my pre-law class

who always saves a seat for me,

so I guess we'll see where that goes.

Ah.

He's 19, so it might
be more of a "mom" thing.

A "hot mom" thing.

(Laughing)

Oh, stop.

- Bonnie: We're back!
- In the kitchen!

- Hey, Dad!
- Hey, buddy!

Well, well! Look who's here!

Good to see you, Baxter.

Good to see you, too. How's it going?

Not bad. You?

Good, good.

- Been here long?
- A few minutes.

That checks out.

Would you like a cup without
Sherlock Holmes's finger in it?

Nah, we gotta get going.
Our movie's at 2:00.

Mom, why don't you come with us?

Oh, uh, no, this is...

Time you spend with your Dad.

I don't mind. Come on, Christy.

It'll be fun.

Sure. I don't see why not.

- I do.
- Shh!

I'm just gonna need a minute.

Meet you at the car?

Great. Let's go, buddy.

This is cool.

I've never gone to the
movies with both of you.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Don't make a big deal about this.

She said, as she applies
slightly whorish lipstick.

This is your lipstick.

And I'm not going because of Baxter.

I'm going to spend time with my son.

Whew.

The lies fell from Christy's lips

like cherry blossoms in the springtime.

Stop narrating my life.

And with those words...

She was gone.

♪ ♪

Oh, man, I miss sugar!

Yeah.

Me, too.

Candace thinks fruit is dessert.

Sometimes cheese.

Well, every once in a
while is not gonna hurt you.

Just don't tell Candace about this.

I know. Think I'm looking for trouble?

And probably don't
mention that I'm here.

I'm smarter than I look, Mom.

How's the happy family doing here?

- Um...
- Oh, um, actually,

we're... not... I mean, we were...

But now we're not, uh...

But we are happy.

In our individual homes.

Good for you.

I gotta take a squirt.

A squirt? Where'd he get that?

From me.

I don't want him
getting beat up at school

'cause he's gotta go "tinkle."

That's smart.

Thanks again for letting
me tag along today.

This has been really fun.

Yeah, it has.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like

if we, uh, met now,
instead of back then?

You mean with me sober, and
you with your life together?

Yeah.

Maybe it's crossed
my mind once or twice.

Me too.

Too bad we messed it up.

A friend of mine once told me that

sometimes you got to
mess it up the first time

to get it right the second time.

He was talking about cutting
cocaine with baby laxative

but it kind of applies
to relationships, too.

Baxter... do you think maybe
we're having this conversation

because you're getting
cold feet about the wedding?

Maybe. Or... maybe we're
having this conversation

because we're supposed to
be having this conversation.

So what's next on the agenda?

♪ ♪

Hi. Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

Group: Hi, Christy.

So, the last time I shared,

I may have been in a teensy
bit of denial about my ex.

Group: Oh...

Nothing happened.

We just went out to the movies

and for some ice cream.

Group: Ooh... !

With our son.

Group: Aw!

I'm just gonna pretend I don't hear you.

Anyway, I've got a dilemma.

Especially if Baxter ends up
breaking off his engagement.

Which... I think he might do.

- Ooh!
- Oh, grow up!

But the truth is...

I think I have feelings for the man.

I mean, he's nothing like he used to be.

He's kind of a Baxter 2.0 now.

Whatever awful things I might
want to say about his fiancée,

she... did nag a lot of
the bugs right out of him.

Of course...

I've also changed a lot.

So... maybe two, new improved people

could make it work this time.

Okay.

Thanks for your support.

No, you grow up!

♪ ♪

(Sighs deeply)

Well? You're not gonna say anything?

I will, I'm just trying to choose

my words carefully, you idiot.

Why am I an idiot?

You said it yourself.

Candace is the reason
you like Baxter now.

No! That is not what I said.

It's exactly what you said.

When he was with you, he was a mess.

She cleaned him up.

What do you think's gonna happen,

if you get back together?

Um...

We'll live happily ever after?

Ha! I give it a week

before he's unemployed, smoking pot,

and you're all living in
a van full of back hair.

You're wrong!

You weren't there when we
took Roscoe out for the day,

and we were a family again.

Oh, and that's another thing.

What about Roscoe?

If you try and get back together
with Baxter and it blows up,

what happens to him?

Man, if this isn't an advertisement

for taking the bus,
I don't know what is.

♪ ♪

(Knocking on door)

(Christy sighs)

Who the hell is that?

Marry me. Again.

What?

You know we're both feeling it.

Let's just do it.

Oh, my God.

Wait a minute...

What are you doing?

How much weed did you smoke?

I didn't smoke anything.

- Baxter...
- A little bit.

- Baxter... !
- A normal weeknight amount.

- Baxter...
- Why do you keep saying my name?

It's freaking me out!

Come inside and keep it down.

- Roscoe's sleeping.
- Right, right, right.

So, what do you say?

(Sighs deeply)

I say my Mom is right. I'm an idiot.

Why? What'd you do?

I thought you changed.

I did! But with you, I can change back.

I can be my old self.

Yeah, but you see, there's the problem.

Your old self kind of sucks.

Well, that's hurtful.

(Sighs deeply) Please tell me

you didn't break up with Candace.

Oh, no. I wanted to see
how it went with you first.

Oh, my god, you're such a jerk.

Listen to me. You need to
go home and sleep it off.

But what about our love?

Our love is asleep in the other room.

Now get out of here.

Okay.

But just so we're clear,

once I walk out this door,

that's it... I'm gonna
marry, uh... uh...

- Candace.
- Candace.

And then there's no going back.

You and I are done.

Oh, sweetie, that's not
the threat you think it is.

Okay. Understood.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Oh, come on! Guys like me
don't come along every day!

Good night.

Look, I... Ow!

And because she listened

to the words of wisdom from her saintly,

but still do-able mother...

Christy made the right decision.

The end.

(Muffled; Weakly): Last chance.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Language instructor: "Where
is the train station?"

Dov'è la stazione?

Dov'è la stazione?

Instructor: "I'll have the fish."

Vorrei il pesce per favore.

I don't need this one.

(Laughing): I'm not gonna order fish.

Instructor: "What time is the opera?"

A Che or a commincia i'opera?

Oh, come on, Italian guy,

how do I ask for weed?