Mom (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Caperberries and a Fat Detective - full transcript

(dramatic music plays on TV)

(gunshot on TV)

Oh, my God. She shot him!

I can't believe she shot him.

This woman is a monster.

Yeah, but look at her jacket.

I want that jacket.

She just murdered her boyfriend.

It's covered in his blood.

A little club soda...
It comes right out.

(cell phone rings)



Who are you avoiding?

Nobody. Not important.

Oh, no.

Please tell me she's not
going to poison his daughter.

She should poison whoever cut her hair.

What?

She can get away with
murder, but not those bangs.

Do you even pay attention to the plot?

Of course, I do. I love this show.

I also love that kitchen.

I wish we had a pizza oven.

(cell phone rings)

Same "nobody-not-important"?

Yep.



You know I'm gonna go through your phone

when you're not looking.

I changed the pass-code.

You mean 1147?

I'll just change it again.

1157?

Get out of my head.

- Was it Marjorie?
- No.

- Jill?
- No.

- Wendy?
- No.

- Mary?
- Who's Mary?

I'll take that as a no.

Let's see.

It's somebody you don't want to talk to,

so it's either sex or money.

Boy, that does not narrow things down.

Fine. It's Adam.

Adam?

Wrong number boyfriend, Adam?

Not boyfriend.

We met once for coffee
and didn't hit it off.

So why is he calling?

I don't know.

We gonna watch the show or
are you just gonna annoy me?

I can do both.

So what?

You're not even friends
with him, anymore?

No, not really.

Why? I mean I get that you
didn't have chemistry...

- Oh, grow up. I lied.
- (pauses TV)

He stood me up.

Really?

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause I didn't want
to see your pity face.

Aw.

So you haven't spoken to him since?

Why should I? You know my policy.

"Fool me once, you're dead to me."

(TV resumes playing)

But maybe there's an explanation.

(pauses TV)

What possible explanation could he have?

I don't know.

Maybe one of his parents died.

Oh, there's a happy thought.

For some people.

And he was so overcome with grief,

he couldn't pick up the phone and text,

"Mom's dead, mind if my Dad tags along?"

I think you should call him.

I think we need a second television.

Was that supposed to hurt my feelings?

'Cause I agree.

(quietly): And redial.

Mom, hurry up!

She's about to kill somebody else!

You're watching without me?

I would never do that.

Hi, Adam? It's Christy.

My Mom wants to talk to you.

I should've sold you
when I had the chance.

You have ten seconds to
tell me why you stood me up.

Uh-huh.

(scoffs) Uh-huh.

Yeah, hold on.

I'm gonna put you on speaker.

I want my daughter to
hear this steamin' load.

Go ahead, Adam.

See if you can say that
again without laughing.

Adam: I said, I'm in a wheelchair

and I guess I just lost my nerve.

Hilarious.

Do you believe this guy?

That doesn't sound like
something you'd make up.

Oh, please. I'd make that up.

I have made that up.

Disneyland, all the rides, no waiting.

I believe you, Adam.

Thank you, Christy.

Bonnie, I'm really sorry.

I guess I was just
afraid when you saw me,

you wouldn't want to go out with me.

How dare you?

You really think I'm the kind of person

who wouldn't go out with someone
'cause they're handicapped?

That's so offensive.

So you'll go out with me?

Um...

Well, I kinda have to, now.

Great. Saturday night?

Fine.

Thanks for giving me another chance.

Well, I'm nothing if not forgiving.

She's nothing.

See you Saturday.

Me and a guy in a wheelchair.

That's a first.

Yeah, you're gonna want to wear flats.

♪

I just don't know what to expect.

Have any of you ever
dated a handicapped guy?

When I was in high school,
my boyfriend had a glass eye.

Was it a problem?

No, I loved it.

If I was having a bad
hair day, or a giant zit,

I'd just stand on his blind side.

When I was homeless, I
dated a guy with a hook.

Well, dated is not the right word.

You share a cardboard box,

it's really more a
marriage of convenience.

What about the hook?

Did it complicate things?

Kinda.

We were constantly
having to get new boxes.

I'm just... I'm not sure
what I'm getting into.

Am I supposed to carry
him up the stairs?

Help him in the bathroom?

You mean like I used to do
with you when you were drunk?

Yeah, yeah. Rough childhood.

Moving along.

Bonnie, it's just dinner.

I don't think you have to worry

about any of that stuff.

Speaking of stuff.

What about his stuff?

What if his stuff doesn't work?

That doesn't mean you can't have fun.

Yeah.

His tongue's not in a wheelchair.

Good point.

And depending on where
his spinal injury was,

he might still have a
fully functioning penis.

So to summarize,
Mommy, oral sex is a go,

and you may or may not
have something to sit on.

Oh, my God.

Could we be any more shallow?

What about this guy's personality?

His intelligence, his sense of humor.

I've actually talked to
him on the phone for hours.

He's really smart and funny.

Yeah, so is Ben Franklin.

What's he look like?

Hang on.

Here's his Facebook page.

- (gasps) Oh, he's cute.
- Let me see.

Yum.

That's a face you
could share a box with.

Give me.

Oh, yeah.

I could call him Daddy.

Oops, that came out creepy.

I don't know about this dress.

What? You look great.

Well, that's 'cause you're
looking from up here.

He's going to be looking from down here.

So he doesn't get the benefit

of all this well-engineered cleavage.

So wait for the right moment,

drop something, and
bend over to pick it up.

Oh, please. That is such a cheap move.

You taught it to me.

Yeah, well, I was trying to
help you through Junior High.

(doorbell rings)

I believe that's him. Do you mind?
I want to make an entrance.

I got it.

- Christy?
- Yeah?

Don't discuss his... you
know, unfortunate situation.

You mean that he's about to
go out with a crazy person?

Hello.

Hey. You must be Adam.

What gave me away?

Come on in.

She'll be right down.

Can I get you something to drink?

Well, I know you guys don't
keep any alcohol in the house,

so, uh... no.

Yeah, sorry.

You're about three years late

for watching me light my breath on fire.

Bonnie: Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for showing up this time.

Really?

You're gonna take a shot
right out of the gate?

It's not too late to run.

I mean, roll.

I mean... I'm sorry.

She put it in my head.

I see you've met my
socially awkward daughter.

Oops.

- Did you get all that?
- Oh, yeah. Both barrels.

Shall we?

We shall.

Good night, Christy.

Good night.

Don't keep her out too late. I won't.

I'm joking. Keep her.

Don't bring her back.

So how does this work?

Do I drive?

No, I have a car.

Oh. Okay.

How do you make it stop?

Thanks. This is perfect.

Do people always stare at you?

What are you talking about?

- They're staring at you.
- Stop.

No, I'm serious. You're a giant.

They think you might eat them.

I'm gonna have a beer.

Does it bother you if I drink?

Does it bother you if I walk?

Not if you're in front of me.

I like the view from back there.

Good answer.

So, listen, you don't seem
like the shy, nervous type.

Why'd you really bail on me last time?

Yeah, I guess I gotta clear that up.

Okay.

Here's the thing.

Usually, when I meet a woman,
she sees the chair right away,

and I can tell from the look in her eye

whether she's okay with it or not.

But we met on the phone.

Which is why...

I couldn't bear the idea of you
seeing me and giving me that look.

Like the woman behind you
is giving me right now.

Don't turn around.

- No, don't...
- Hey.

Am I staring at the baldy you're with?

Is it too soon to say "I love you"?

So anyway, after working
as a Hollywood stuntman

for 20 some years,

I felt kind of invincible.

You know, the occasional broken nose,

dislocated shoulder,

but nothin' a couple of aspirin
and a six-pack couldn't fix.

So is that how you...

You'd think so, but no.

After putting my life on the line,

driving motorcycles through fire,

crashing cars into walls,

working with Burt Reynolds...

I get the brilliant
idea to try... snowboarding.

- Oh, no.
- I'm thinking,

I know how to ski.

I know how to surf.

It's the same thing, right?

So I get up on the mountain.

I got this stupid piece of
wood strapped to my feet.

I am flying down the hill.

I'm doing good.

I see a sign.

It says, "Danger, barranca ahead."

What's a barranca?

That's what I'm thinking.

I'm looking around, is
it a bear, is it a tree?

Turns out it's a... cliff.

And you...

Right off the edge.

200 feet straight down.

I felt like Wile E. Coyote,

but substantially dumber.

Oh, God.

You want to hear the
real embarrassing part?

Always.

On the way down...

I-I tried flapping my arms.

(laughing)

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh.

Why? It's funny. I was just...

Oh, God, it really is.

(laughing)

(laughing)

Whee!

This is fun.

Hang on.

Oh, now you're just showing off.

(laughing)

Yeah, well, I can't keep bending over

to pick up my purse.

Hey.

Not that I'm complaining.

Okay, well, this is my stop.

Tonight was great.

Can we do it again?

We better.

Good.

All right. Well, good night.

Good night.

This time, I mean it.

Oops.

Thank you.

All: So?

Please tell me you didn't all drive

over here to see how my date went.

No. We went to a meeting.

Had coffee. And then we drove over here

to see how your date went.

So how'd your date go?

Okay.

Here's the headline.

Best date of my life.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's so wonderful.

Great dinner.

No awkward pauses.

Didn't have to fake any laughs.

And he finished it off
with the perfect first kiss.

Both: Aw.

I'm so happy for you, Bonnie.

Yeah, you deserve this.

I don't want to get ahead of myself,

but I think Bonnie Plunkett Janikowski

will get easier to say with time.

You would actually keep Plunkett?

You're right.

Why help the creditors find me.

Listen, I think this is great,

but at the risk of sounding
like a wet blanket, take it slow.

Be smart.

Oh, please. If I took
things slow and smart,

this one wouldn't exist.

I'm just saying, take
it one day at a time.

Well, maybe I don't want to
take it one day at a time.

Maybe I want to be
high on life, on love.

On whatever I can get high on

that doesn't require me going
to a freakin' 12 step meeting.

Okay. Sorry.

It's your life.

I have a question.

What's goin' on with your boobs?

Is your Mom coming to the meeting?

No.

She's got another date with hot wheels.

Oh, good for her.

Yeah. I'm not so sure.

Why?

Okay, so,

there's this waitress I work with,

Andrea.

I happened to mention my mom's dating

this former stuntman in a wheelchair.

How do you happen to mention that?

It's called gossip, Marjorie.

I'm not proud of it, but there you are.

Anyway, turns out,

Andrea used to go out with Adam.

So?

She caught him cheating on her,

and then he cheated on that girl, too.

So he's a player.

Apparently.

(sighs heavily) That's a shame.

What are you going to do?

What do you mean, what
is she going to do?

She has to tell Bonnie.

- No, she doesn't.
- I don't?

You don't know the whole story.

Maybe your friend
Andrea's a lyin' whore.

Jill... !

Oh, come on. She's a waitress.

You know how they are.

Hey, I'm a waitress.

Yeah, and you slept
with your married boss,

a drunk fireman,

your ex-husband's
future father-in-law...

Fine! I'm a whore.

But I don't think
Andrea's lying about Adam.

So the real question is,

if you were my Mom,
would you want to know?

- Yes.
- No.

Oh, that's a toughie.

Thanks. Very helpful.

Well, the real question is
how are you going to feel

if you don't tell her and she gets hurt?

So you'd tell her?

Of course.

(sighs)

Hey, Mom...

Marjorie has something
she wants to tell you.

I'm not telling her.

You just said you would.

I said I would if I were you.

All right, Jill, you're up.

Wh... I'm not telling her

her new boyfriend's a cheatin' dog.

Did you get that?

She wants to talk to you.

- How's the chicken?
- Mmm.

Delicious.

What are these things?

Caper berries.

Aha. And the sauce?

Lemon butter.

Mmm! So why'd you cheat on Andrea?

(quiet cough)

I'm sorry. What?

You heard me.

Do you know Andrea?

My daughter does.

Oh. Have you been obsessing

about this all through dinner?

I actually started on the drive over.

Kind of forgot about it
during the lobster bisque.

Now it's back.

I see.

Would you like some more lobster bisque?

I'd like to know what
I got myself into here.

All right.

I'll tell you.

After I broke my back,

I spent a year in rehab

learning how to live in this thing.

I couldn't work anymore,
at the job that I loved...

and, maybe I... felt like I
needed to prove to myself

that I was... still a man.

By nailing every woman you met.

I also bought a really big truck.

- Red?
- Maybe.

The point is, it's over.

I'm not that guy anymore.

Why should I believe you?

(chuckles wryly): Well,
I don't know, Bonnie.

I guess you're just
going to have to trust me.

Hmm. If I had a nickel for every
time a guy said, "Trust me."

- Let me prove it.
- How?

Spend the night...

You owe me a nickel.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let-let me finish.

I'm not talking about sex.

Let's just spend the night together.

What would we do?

I don't know.

Talk, watch TV,

play a little Boggle.

Maybe that leads to Yahtzee,

but that's your call.

And then we just sleep.

I hear married couples
do it all the time.

How do I know you didn't
offer this sexless evening

to someone else last night?

Because we went to
the movies last night.

Oh, yeah.

So what do you think?

I think you just sweet-talked
your way into not getting laid.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Huh? Wha... ?

What is it?

Good news. I trust you.