Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast - full transcript

- Hello?
- Are you awake?

At 2:30 in the morning?
You betcha.

I think I'm pregnant.

Oh, God, can I not be awake?

How is that even possible?

What kind of question is that?

I happen to be in
the bloom of my life.

Half the men in Napa Valley

have been in
the bloom of your life.

- What?
- Nothing.

Did you take a test?



I don't need to.
I've got all the signs.

I missed my period, I'm moody,

my nipples are
incredibly angry.

Trust me, there's fruit
in these loins.

No, no, no.

My daughter and my mother

cannot be pregnant
at the same time.

I don't have the strength.

Please don't make
this about you.

Okay, look, maybe we're
worrying for no reason.

First thing tomorrow morning,

we'll get you a doctor's
appointment just to be sure.

Oh, God, why is
this happening to me?

Honestly?



Do we need to have
the talk again?

I devoted the best years of my life
to loving and nurturing a child.

This was supposed
to be my time.

Boy, I would love
to meet that child.

Look, I gotta go back to sleep.

But what am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

Grab your calendar and see if you
can figure out who the father is.

Oh...

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

You're a lying son of a bitch!

You shouldn't even be allowed
to practice in this country!

Menopause, my ass.

Hate to be her daughter.

Mom 1x07
Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast

- What are you doing?
- I'm hot.

Get back in the car.
You look like a Labradoodle.

Ugh...

I think I just ate a bug.

You know, menopause
isn't the end of the world.

Easy for you to say.

You can still provide
a king with an heir.

Oh, get real.

The only king
you've got a shot with

is the King of Big Screens.

All I am saying is what
if I were to meet someone?

Maybe a young guy
who wants a family.

You have a family.

That doesn't mean I can't try
for a better one.

Want to know what I have
to look forward to?

Ah...

Hot flashes, weight gain,
decreased sex drive, incontinence.

What kind of man is gonna want
a piece of that action?

I'm sure there's a web site

for guys who are into fat,
sweaty bed-wetters.

Oh, I'm sorry,
is this fun for you?

Oh, come on, I'm just
trying to lighten the mood.

And yes.

Oh, look.

A tester tube
of vaginal lubricant.

Why don't they just put
a gun in here?

Instead of focusing
on all the cons,

why don't we try
to make a list of the pros?

Like...

no more birth
control worries.

Right. If I were worried

about birth control,
you wouldn't exist.

Okay, pro: no more PMS.

So now when I'm a bitch
I'm just a bitch?

All right.

Pro...

you're entering
the time in your life

when you give back
to loved ones and community.

Oh, please, now you're
just making stuff up.

Oh, God,
where did the years go?

You wasted 'em.

I mean...
it's gonna be okay.

No, it's never
gonna be okay again.

Mom. Three o'clock.

- Are you okay?
- No, not really.

Would a ride cheer you up?

Don't you dare.

I deserve this.

Yeah, I think it would.

All right. Hop on.

I'll call you later.

Stop, you're making
a terrible mistake!

Don't worry about me.
Worry about him.

I was talking to him!

Hey.

Mom, do you like
circumcised men?

Um, can I put my purse down

before we have
this conversation?

Well, if we have a boy,

Luke wants to get
the baby snipped.

Not snipped, streamlined.

Tell him it's not necessary.

Oh, God.

Luke, why don't you
have this conversation

with your own parents?

'Cause his parents
don't know I'm pregnant.

Wait, what?

You told me they were thrilled
and totally supportive.

Yeah, well...

that was sort of a...
you know, lie.

Luke, why didn't you tell them?

- He's scared of 'em.
- No, I'm not scared.

It's just... complicated.
They're not cool like you.

- My mother's not cool.
- Hang on.

Let the boy talk.

I was just waiting
for the right time.

Which would be when?

I don't know.

They're old,
they could die soon.

Problem solved.

Oh, sweetie, don't
wish for that.

Besides, it doesn't work.

If anything,
the parent lives longer.

You need to tell your folks
and you need to do it immediately.

Oh, sack up.

Did they snip off
all of your penis?

Violet, be nice.

Go ahead.
You can do it.

Would you maybe come with me?

This is something
you have to do yourself.

Encourage him.

Oh, be a man.

Seriously?

The chef is especially happy
with the catch of the day,

which is a Copper River
salmon, and...

Psst.
Need to talk.

Sorry. Uh...

the salmon is pan-seared

with fingerling potatoes
and savoy spinach.

Fingerling...

Uh, the other specials
are heritage pork chop,

Kobe beef and Maine lobster,
which is flown in daily from...

Anyone? Anyone?

Maine.

Okay, uh, I'll be right back.

Mom!

- What's going on?
- My vagina is dead.

What the hell are
you talking about?

That motorcycle guy.

I took him back to my place,
stripped off his clothes,

ran my tongue up and down
his gorgeous body

and felt nothing.

It was like I was
licking a rock.

I'm confused.

Did you sleep with him or not?

Not. I mean, I tried,

but it was like
I-I couldn't get it up.

I'm sorry, I didn't know it was
Take Your Mother to Work Day.

Yeah, it comes right after

Sleep with Your
Married Boss Week.

Carry on.

Well, well.

Who's this beautiful,
wounded bird?

Don't waste your time.
I'm numb from the neck down.

Hmm.

So the head's still in play?

Hold your horses, I'm coming.

Ta-da!

I figured it out.

I'm not giving up.

If I'm gonna go down,
I'm gonna go down fighting.

If it stands up to pee,
I'm banging it.

Glad to hear it.

Let me introduce you
to Luke's parents.

Nathan and Mary,
this is my mother, Bonnie.

How do you do?

I just want to thank
both of you

for coming over so we can
discuss the, uh...

Child conceived in sin?

You're right,
I am the cool parent.

Luke, did you learn nothing
from your father's Bible class?

I'm sorry, what?

- Bible class?
- Yes.

Nathan is the head pastor

at the Baptist Church
in Santa Rosa.

Oh, that's just hilarious.

Right?

I'm so sorry, father.

All right, I just want to say

that we've all really
come to love your son

and I know that my daughter
is crazy about him,

so I'm sure there's a happy
ending in here somewhere.

If Violet just gave him
a happy ending, we...

Mom!

I'm sorry, I-I'm about
a quart low on the estrogen.

Ah.

You know what
I'm talking about, right?

Look...
here's what's going to happen.

All of this nonsense
about these two kids

getting married after high
school is just that, nonsense.

It is not going to happen.

Now, as far as
the child is concerned,

Luke will provide
financial support,

if in fact it turns
out to be his.

What?

Violet, I got this.
What?

We don't know for sure
that our son is the only boy

your little temptress
has been with.

Okay, buddy.

Let's get something clear...

Christy, I got this.

Here's all you need to know
about this family.

With every generation,
we are getting better.

That's right.

So, I may have been
a drunken slut...

She was.

And my daughter may have been
a drunken slut...

- Hang on a second.
- What?

Never mind.
Go on.

But my granddaughter,
this tender angel,

she was pure as the driven snow

until she smoked your son's
weed, drank his tequila,

and then made passionate love
with him for about two minutes.

Am I telling it right, honey?

Yeah, sorta.

So don't you take the
high road with us, Pastor.

I know your type. I have
bedded my share of clergy.

Mary, Luke, let's go.

No, I love Violet and I'm gonna stick
by her for as long as she'll have me.

- Get in the car.
- I'll call you later.

Hey, Pastor?

I just want you to know, we're
gonna raise the baby Jewish.

And we're not Jews!

Shalom, bitch!

Um, it-it's open.

How ya doin'?

Okay.

I'm sorry about all that.

I guess you can see

why we don't do a lot
of entertaining.

There's nothing
to be sorry about.

You and Grandma
were great today.

You think?

Yeah. For the first time
in my life

I felt like we were
the normal family.

Me, too! It's so weird.

So, are you in touch with Luke?

No.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I know what
you're going through.

When I was your age,
I had a boyfriend

whose parents
just hated my guts.

- Really?
- Yeah.

To be fair,
we were on pretty good terms

until I got drunk and burned
their garage down.

They were really judgey
about it.

Luke's parents were always
really nice to me,

I mean, until today.

Well, until today, you were
his high school sweetheart.

Now you're his
white trash baby mama.

Guess it doesn't matter anyway
'cause I think we should break up.

I'm gonna tell Luke to start
dating other people.

Oh, honey, are you sure
that's a good idea?

I mean, he is the baby's father,

and more importantly,
he thinks I'm cool.

Christy! Call 911!
I'm having a heart attack!

No, you're not.

It might be a stroke!
I smell toast!

- I'm here if you need me.
- Thanks.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Shouldn't you hurry?

False alarm, just gas!

There you go.

A good night's sleep
gonna make all the difference.

Thanks.

Am I pretty?

What?

Yes, of course.
You're beautiful.

I don't feel beautiful.

I feel like a man trapped
in a man's body.

Stop it.

All the stuff you're
worrying about is in your head.

- It's not really happening.
- Are you saying I'm crazy?

No. I mean,
not in this context.

Is Violet mad at me?

Quite the contrary,
she's actually proud of you.

- Really?
- Yeah!

She thought you were awesome
with Luke's dad.

And get this, she called us
the normal family.

- Shut up!
- Yeah, that's a first.

Okay, let's get some
shut-eye.

I'm sure everything will look
better in the morning.

I hope so.

I'll tell you one thing
I'm not imagining.

I am losing my hair.

Oh, Mom, please,
don't be ridiculous.

Your hair is amazing.

Now go to sleep.

Sweet dreams.

Mom.

What?

Something's wrong with Grandma.

You're late to the party, dude.

Mom?

Good morning, loved ones.

See?

- You... feeling okay?
- Never better.

Come, sit, enjoy.

I've made scrambled eggs, pancakes,
bacon, hash browns, toast, oatmeal.

All sprinkled with a healthy
dollop of Grandmama's love.

Mom, let go of his cheek.

Oh, sorry, he's
just so pinchable

and so, mmm, kissable
and so, ooh, squeezable.

Help me.

Yeah, yeah-yeah,
we all love him.

Come on. Sit down.

Wow, this is
really quite a spread.

What brought this on?

Well, I woke up in
the middle of the night

and realized, since I'm
clearly no longer

a sexual being, I needed
to find a new identity.

Okay, I get that.

So...

what'd you settle on?

Well, isn't it obvious?
I'm the mother.

The-the caregiver.
The nurturing crone.

- Who's got your nose?!
- Put the nose down, Mom.

I'll get it.

- I'm scared.
- You should be.

Where's my son?

I haven't the faintest clue.

Are you mocking me?

Well, whatever do
you mean, sir?

Mom, please.
What's going on?

Luke has disappeared.
I assumed he'd be here.

- Well, he's not.
- Would you mind checking?

Sure.

Violet's gone, too.

Luke told me he was going
to end the relationship.

- She told me the same thing.
- It appears they've run off.

You think?

Stop!

I suppose both of us
bear some responsibility

for this turn of events.

I don't think so.

Those kids were loved and
accepted in my house!

You drove them away!

I was trying to keep my son
from ruining his life.

Okay, do you see how
that's a little offensive

when the thing ruining his
life is my daughter?!

That's not what I meant.

- Could you help me out here?
- Sorry, I'm the crazy one.

Look, I'm not thrilled
about this pregnancy either,

but that doesn't really matter.

All we can do at this point
is keep loving them,

even though they
make it so hard!

All right, perhaps I haven't
handled this very well.

Haven't handled it well?
You screwed the pooch, Pastor.

The question is,
what are we gonna do now?

What do you suggest?

I suggest we come
together as adults

and help these kids
who love each other

do whatever the hell it is
they're gonna do!

Well, I think that's very wise.

Welcome to the dark side.

Ooh, Virginia's alive!

What kind of idiot changes
his Facebook status to single?!

Hey, it was your idea we
should start seeing other people!

That was just to trick
our parents

so we could run away
to Vegas and get married!

Well, you should've
made that clear!

Well, I shouldn't have to!

So, as you may have heard,
change of plans.

This is nice, all of us
having dinner together.

- It is nice.
- Mm-hmm.

- Do you need to answer that?
- No, it's just a text from Luke.

So, what's going on
with you two?

He wants us
to get back together.

And he loves me.

A lot.

- Shouldn't you text him back?
- No, not yet.

Let him sweat for awhile.

Speaking of which,
guess who stopped sweating?

The estrogen patch is helping?

I am happy to report
that I'm dry

- in all the right places now.
- Good.

- And conversely...
- Got it.

How about the mood swings?

Much improved,
thanks to hormone therapy.

Ugh, I don't really like
these vegetables.

No problem.

We're still working
on the dosage.