Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Abstinence and Pudding - full transcript

Hey, uh... Where are we?
I thought you were driving me home.

Oh, I am. I just took a little
detour to give you a taste of

what I do for a living.

[Exhales]
See that stop sign?

- Yeah.
- As a Sonoma County civil engineer,

I processed the paperwork
that made that stop sign a reality.

- Very impressive.
- Yeah.

City council was pushing
for a light, but I didn't think

the traffic flow justified
the expense to the taxpayers.

Well, as someone who recently
started paying taxes, I thank you.

How 'bout that yield sign?
What a beauty. Is that you?



Nah. That was another guy in my office.

Brett. Such a jerk.

Well, you know what?
I think the stop sign's much nicer.

- Right? Thank you!
- Yeah.

Hey, maybe next
time, um, we can drive

to Petaluma. I'll show
you a traffic circle there

- that will blow your mind.
- I'd like that.

Hey, um...
I gotta run something by you.

- Sure.
- I like you.

- Good, I like you.
- Yeah?

I don't show my stop
sign to just anyone.

Anyway, I... I want
to take this real slow.

- That's fine.
- You sure?

Yeah, of course.



- How slow?
- [Laughs] Until we get to know

each other better,
sex is off the table.

And any other furniture.

- Okay.
- [Laughs] Wow.

- What?
- I've said that to other men before,

- but I never actually meant it.
- Should I feel special?

Yeah, yes. You should.

Question: Do you like to hike?

'Cause I was thinking maybe
next Saturday I'd take you to

this beautiful trail. It's
about an hour North of here.

- Yeah, sure.
- Just a heads up: I'm-I'm a bit of

a nature buff. It's kind of my
thing. Camping, fishing,

rock climbing, you name it.
[Distantly] If it's outdoors...

[Grunting, panting]
[Christy moaning]

When I was eight,
I joined the club scouts and I was just

immediately hooked. It was
like... finally, I found my people!

And... I proceeded to get
pretty much every merit badge

known to man.
Uh, my mom actually had to

[distantly] make an
extra-wide sash to hold them...

[grunting]

[Christy panting]

- You're amazing.
- You sound like my Mom. [Laughs]

Uh, okay, um...

- Well, good night.
- Good night.

- No. Uh... I gotta go. Night!
- Night.

- Looking forward to our hike.
- Our what?

1x06 - Abstinence and Pudding

So he pulled over to show
me this stop sign he made...

- What?
- I don't know... made, painted, installed...

I wasn't listening. I was too
busy fantasizing about being in

the back seat with him, doing it
like a couple of ninth graders.

- Ninth grade?
- Tenth?

- What grade makes me sound normal?
- Never mind. So what happened?

- I stuck to the plan and played it slow.
- Good for you.

Thanks. Although, I am
ashamed of what I did when

- I went in the house.
- Oh, please, that's nothing to be

- embarrassed about. You're a grown woman.
- No... No! Not that.

- Oh.
- I ate all of my son's pudding cups.

- Oh.
- Six of them.

My farts smelled like butterscotch.

Well, well, well.

- Isn't this a surprise?
- Hi, Mom. You know Marjorie

- from the meeting.
- Oh, I do.

- Marjorie.
- Bonnie.

- Would you like to join us?
- I'd like to join you,

- but I'll make the best of it.
- Marjorie has been giving me

- some really good relationship advice.
- Bonnie: Is that so?

Why wouldn't you come to
your own mother for that?

The same reason I don't come to
you for advice about beekeeping.

- You know nothing about it.
- For the record,

I've had hundreds of successful
relationships with men.

The fact that you don't know
what you just said is horrifying.

- What did I say?
- You know, these things aren't always

judged on quantity. I was with
one wonderful man for 30 years.

- And then he left you.
- He died.

- Spin it however you want.
- Marjorie's just trying to help me.

Oh, I get it. You think
she's wise 'cause she's old.

- So what's your big advice?
- Well, I told your daughter, who

came to me instead of you...

...that if she really wants
something meaningful with this guy,

she shouldn't have sex with
him for at least three months.

[Loud laughing]

I'm sorry, that's not a joke?

- No.
- Oh, come on. What if she waits

three months and then finds
out he can't deliver the goods?

True intimacy doesn't
depend on "delivering the goods."

Oh, Marjorie. You make me sad.

Well, what does this guy say?

- Is he okay with taking it slow?
- He thinks it's a great idea.

- Flag on the play.
- What?

Real men don't go slow. He's either
lying, gay or he's packing a gherkin.

- It's a little pickle.
- I know what it is!

Just do yourself a favor.
If you're going to wait,

at least make sure there's
something worth waiting for.

Oh, what's she supposed to do?
Ask him to whip it out?

No. Show a little class, Marjorie.

Do a drive-by.

- A drive-by?
- A drive-by.

You know, cruise by
the general vicinity.

Send your knee on a
fact-finding mission.

Oh, god.
Do you believe her?

It's actually not bad advice.
My late husband loved me,

but wow... there was
not a lot to work with.

Twerkin' the gherkin.

Okay. I gotta go.
Thanks, Marjorie.

I don't know how I would
get through this without you.

- Oh, you're welcome, dear.
- And, Mom...

...nice jacket.

- So how long you been a widow?
- Little over eight years.

That's tough.

Want to come with me to a cop bar?

- Since when do you bake pies?
- Since the pastry Chef

- threw a hissy fit and quit.
- What happened?

I got tired of having sex with her.
What do you mean, "what happened?"

Chef Rudy, we need to hire
a new pastry Chef right away.

- And this time, let's get a man.
- Like that'll stop me.

- You zig, I zag.
- But you don't know anything about desserts.

Well, up until recently, I didn't
know anything about bisexuality,

but I'm a quick study. Right, Paul?

I, uh... I texted you

- three times last night.
- I know.

- Why didn't you text me back?
- I was on a date.

So? I was having dinner with my
in-laws... I still found the time.

Gabriel, you have a lovely wife.
Why can't you find happiness at home?

It doesn't work that way
when you marry for money.

I don't know what to tell you.
I hear Chef Rudy is experimenting.

Maybe you could find happiness with him.

Who ate all my pudding?

- Wasn't me.
- Okay, I'm out of here.

- Mom, did you eat my pudding?
- Um, no.

Maybe you ate it.

Did I?
I think I'm losing my mind.

What's the story here?
Are you a lesbian now?

- I'm going hiking with Adam.
- Since when do you hike?

I don't. I'm faking it to
please a man. It's what we do.

- Hey, wait, can I ask you something?
- Yes. These are your jeans.

- No. I just need some advice about Luke.
- Oh. Really?

You wanna talk to your old Ma?

- That's great. So, what's going on?
- Ever since he found out

I'm pregnant, he's afraid
to have sex with me.

Huh.
What else is going on?

Nothing. That's it.
He's scared he's gonna hurt the baby.

- Right. Sure.
- So...

So, uh... I guess you could
explain to Luke that...

there are certain...

sexual... positions, um...

which would allow him to...

I can't do this!
Google it!

I'm so glad we can talk like this!

- Hey, um, we're still going slow, right?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- But even if we weren't,

- I'm not doing it in the freakin' woods!
- Right.

[Thunder crashes]

- Oh, that's not good.
- We have time to get back, don't we?

Um...
[Raining] No.

Hello?!

- Hey, I don't think anybody's home.
- Wait here.

- Where are you going?
- Just wait!

[Glass breaks]

- Come on in!
- God! I'm not really comfortable

with breaking and entering.

- For you, it's just entering.
- It's a good point.

You're luring me into a life of crime here.

Oh, don't worry. If the owners
come back, we'll just kill 'em.

- You know how to make a fire?
- Do I know how to make a fire?

You gotta admit, though,
cabin in the woods, rainy night.

- It's kind of romantic.
- Yes, yes, it is.

Excuse me.

Hi, Marjorie? It's Christy.

So, listen,
I think god wants me to get laid.

- It's too bad we don't have any marshmallows.
- Oh, but we do.

- Really?
- That's right.

A good scout never leaves
home without a s'mores kit.

- Do you want...?
- Uh, no, maybe later.

- Uh! It is really comfy here.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Are you mad at me?
- Why would I be mad at you?

I don't know. 'Cause we're not taking
advantage of the comfy-ness.

- Is that an option?
- No, it's not. I checked.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it's just not how

- I usually do things.
- What does that mean?

Well, in the past, I would jump into bed

with a guy right away 'cause I was
afraid if I didn't, he'd... leave.

Why the heck would anyone leave you?
You're-you're wonderful.

I didn't think so.

It's weird. I've never
left anyone I've slept with.

What's this now?

I always thought it was such a
miracle that a woman would have

sex with me, the least I could do
was give her the rest of my life.

- You didn't actually say that to them?
- [Scoffs] That's a mistake

you only make once. Unless you're
me, and then you do it every time.

Yeah, you know, maybe it's
good that we're waiting.

Yeah, maybe.

- This is nice.
- Sure is.

Thank you for...

- ...being so understanding.
- You're welcome.

I'm a lucky girl.

Yep, very lucky.

If you're curious,
I can just show it to you.

I'm just saying, I
walked in on my parents

- having sex once and it freaked me out.
- This is not the same thing at all.

No, it's worse. Our kid can't
run out of the room screaming.

- Hey!
- Mom, tell Luke that he can't hurt the baby.

Well, if I do that,
he'll have sex with you.

Stick to your guns, buddy.
[Clicks tongue]

- I feel like such an idiot!
- Oh, honey,

- it's gonna be okay.
- No, it's not. He's never gonna call.

- Oh, it's only been a week.
- Oh, wake up.

If a man hasn't called after three
days, he might as well be dead.

- This is all your fault.
- What did I do?

You told her not to sleep
with him, and he took a hike.

- Oh, hiking.
- You see that?

She took your advice, not mine,
and now she's devastated. I win.

Honey, it's good thing you
didn't sleep with him. He's a jerk.

More bad advice. If she'd slept
with him, she'd own the jerk by now.

- And is that what you'd want?
- What's her other option?

- I don't know, maybe meet a nice guy.
- Oh, so when she cheats on him,

she's the jerk?
Think it through, Marjorie.

I'm gonna ignore you
because you're insane.

Christy, if a man won't wait
until you're ready to share

your secret garden, he's not
worth a second of your time.

"Secret garden?"

Holy Moses,
how many cats do you own?

- Four.
- [Mouthing] Wow!

[mocking]: "Oh sure, Christy,

I'm fine going slow 'cause I'm
never gonna call you anyway."

Screw you, scoutmaster! I never
want to see your stupid face again!

- I never want to see your stupid face again!
- What?

If I'd known you were such a jerk,
I would've had sex with you

- all over that cabin!
- Once again, what?

Instead, I opened myself up to
you, I was totally vulnerable,

and I told you things that
I never told anybody else!

And what do you do?
You blow me off!

Wait, hold on. I didn't blow you off.
You blew me off!

No, no, no, no! You were the
one who did the blowing...

- the blowing was done by you!
- Christy, did you ever get the flowers?

- What flowers?
- The ones I dropped off at the restaurant

- the day after we went hiking.
- You sent me flowers?

Roses.
With a note saying, "I hike you."

- Aw.
- And when I didn't hear back

- from you, I figured you just weren't into me.
- I never got them!

That's weird. I dropped 'em off
with a pasty-faced guy

in a nice suit. He promised
me he'd give 'em to you.

- I hike you, too.
- Where are you going?

I'd tell you, but I know that you're
squeamish about homicide.

Call me!

- Where are my freaking flowers?!
- What are you talking about?

Don't screw with me!
Adam said he dropped 'em off with

a pasty-faced guy in a nice suit.
Nice suit, pasty face!

- I prefer fair-skinned, but okay.
- Where are they?!

Look, I know I should've
given them to you,

- but I just got so jealous.
- Tell me!

Oh, boy.
This is awkward.

You remember how you advised me

that I should work on my
relationship with my wife?

You gave "my" flowers to "your" wife?

If it makes you feel any better,
she still wouldn't sleep with me.

[Clears throat]

- What's this?
- What do you think it is?

Oh.
[Splat!]

I owe you an apology.
This is delicious.

So, when are you seeing
the boy scout again?

Next Saturday.
We're going fly-fishing.

Whatever the hell that is.

Your "secret garden" still on lockdown?

If you mean am I choosing
to delay gratification

to ensure an emotionally
fulfilling relationship, then yes.

- And I don't want to talk about it.
- Fine. What about you?

Your boyfriend still afraid
he's gonna poke the baby's eye out?

He happens to be a very sensitive
and considerate guy. And...

I don't want to talk about it either.

All right. If no one's gonna ask
about me, I'll just tell you.

I went home with a vice cop last night
and, yes, I do want to talk about it.