Mom (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Big Sur and Strawberry Lube - full transcript

I guess my favorite childhood
memory would be the year my Mom

- and I lived in Mexico.
- Really? You lived there?

Well, not on purpose.
It was more of a...

border crossing situation.

- Did you lose your passport?
- No, we had plenty of passports.

Our luggage was the problem.
Anyway, eventually,

we made it back into
the States. At night.

- In a row boat.
- Wow.

Yeah. Wow. Heck of a way to
spend your fifth birthday.

Also the night I learned to swim.

Anyway, what's your
favorite childhood memory?



Um...

Oh, you know what? Got to
meet Bo Jackson. I didn't...

didn't really meet him.
Uh, my Dad and I were invited

to stand on the sidelines at a
raider game. And Bo got chased

out of bounds and ran right
into me. Broke my collarbone.

- Nice.
- I like to call it "a football injury"

- Don't you like your dinner?
- Oh, yeah, it's fine.

- I'm not much of an eater.
- Ah. So, listen, um...

my college roommate is getting
married next month in Big Sur. And...

I was thinking maybe
you'd like to go with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, like... kind of a...

- overnight sort of deal?
- Yeah, yeah. It would be a weekend.

- At a hotel.
- I know we're trying to take this slow,



but, um... I don't think I can
get them to postpone the wedding

- and I'd really like to go with you.
- No, no, no.

It sounds nice.

Kind of a... romantic getaway.

- Uh... so is that a yes?
- Yeah, sure. I'd love to.

- Great.
- You going to eat that salmon?

Thanks.

1x08 - Big Sur and Strawberry Lube

- Thanks for dinner.
- Oh, you're welcome.

So, I'm going to RSVP for the
wedding. Adam Henchy, plus One-derful.

- I bet you regret that.
- The second it came out of my mouth.

So, any food allergies I
should let them know about?

Uh, just penicillin and vodka.

- Thank you for being so patient with me.
- Oh, don't be silly.

I'm glad we didn't jump into bed
right away, he lied.

- One month.
- Right.

Wait, I should say
that to him. One month.

Yippee!

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, damn, my penis just said "yippee."

- Roscoe do his homework?
- Yep. How was your date?

- You really have to ask? It's 20 after 9:00.
- It was very nice.

In fact... Adam asked me to go to

a wedding with him
next month in Big Sur.

- Would you like me to get you a spoon?
- No, I just wanted a taste.

- I can't believe you haven't slept with this guy yet.
- Mom, please, not in front of Violet.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I offend
the delicate sensibilities of my

- pregnant granddaughter?
- I'm good.

- Well, if you must know...
- We must.

I'm sticking to the plan.

I'm not going to have sex
with him until we know each

other really well.
Until we have a foundation of trust

- and respect to build on.
- You're such a girl.

I'm a lady. Kiss my ass.

- Hey, look who's eating here on his day off.
- Christy. I, uh...

- I thought this was Richard's table.
- Richard called in sick.

And his name is David.
I'll be your server.

- Oh... isn't that great.
- Sorry, I'm late.

The new masseuse at the club
has no idea what she's doing.

- Christy, you remember my wife.
- Of course.

- Hello, Claudia.
- It's "Clowdia."

Right, sorry. My mouth doesn't
like to make that shape.

"Clowdia."
It's a lot of work.

Um, okay, well, I will give
you a minute with the menus.

Clowdia...

A penny for your thoughts?

A thousand dollars for your tushy.

- What?
- Twelve hundred.

You really need to go to the
sexual harassment workshop.

If I go, will you sleep with me?

I am so sorry.

- Not as sorry as I am.
- If it'll help, I'll move us to another table.

Oh, no, no... you are going
to stay right where you are.

And I am going to serve dinner to your

wife and you are gonna
tip me 40 percent.

- That sounds fair.
- And a month from now you are going

to give me the weekend off so
I can go away with my new boyfriend.

- You're seeing someone? Is it serious?
- You're married! Is it serious?!

Sorry.
FYI, we don't have any water or bread yet.

Take your time.

Uh, hello? You okay in there?

- No.
- Well...

You gonna be long? 'Cause I'm
fighting a losing battle here.

- Hold on.
- Oh. Claudia.

- Clowdia.
- I'm sorry.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine, thank you.

Can I tell you a secret?

That you drink $800 bottles
of wine on the toilet?

- My husband's cheating on me.
- Wow.

That is a secret.
Here.

And the worst part is, he's
just doing it to get back at me.

- What'd you do?
- Oh, I slept with his step-father.

- You're kidding.
- Once... I was drunk, he was tall.

- Drunk and tall, I've made that mistake.
- I just can't for the life of

me understand what kind
of loser would allow herself

- to be violated by my husband.
- Probably some dumb whore.

- Right?
- The important thing is...

as long as you love your husband,

you can still make your marriage work.

- You're really sweet, Christy.
- Thank you.

Don't forget to wash your
hands before you touch my food.

Son of a bitch!

I just have to say, ever
since I stopped drinking, I look

better, I have more energy,
I sleep better, I've lost weight,

I'm making more money and best
of all, I have this wonderful,

deep sense that every day is a miracle
and I am a blessed child of god.

Anybody buying this crap?

Anybody? All right, you're up.

Thank you, Bonnie.
Hi, I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

Um, I just want to say that it's
really nice being at a women's

meeting where I can talk about
what's going on in my life

without feeling judged. Or hit on.

I mean, for the most part.

Anyway, I'm six months sober.
Feeling pretty good in general.

Still struggling with the
whole relationship thing.

Um, I've been dating this really
great guy. And...

you know, taking my sponsor's advice...

going slow, not jumping
into bed with him right away.

But the problem is, the longer I don't
sleep with him, the more nervous I am

about sleeping with him. And I just
agreed to go away with him for the weekend,

and I know we're going to do it
and I'm kind of freaking out because

I don't think I've ever had
sex with anybody I care about

without being at least partially
drunk and/or high.

And I might be using
food as a substitute.

- How about this for the wedding?
- Nah. Doesn't fit.

- I don't know what happened.
- I have a clue.

All right, let's forget
about the event ensemble

for a moment and talk
about the event ensemble.

- What about it?
- What's the plan? You going to wear

some lingerie or just throw
your dress up over your head

- and say, "have at it?"
- I don't know, Mom. It's a nice hotel,

I just thought I'd throw on one of their robes.

Seriously? You make the guy wait
three months to open the present

and you're going wrap it in terry cloth?
He's gonna feel like

- he's doing it with a hand towel.
- Okay. Here. Teddy, nightie,

- thong, thong, thong. Happy?
- Forgive me for trying to help.

Sorry, I'm just... a little
freaked out about this trip.

Oh, sweetie, listen. If this
is too much for you, remember...

it's not too late to call him,
cancel, break his heart and die alone.

I do enjoy our talks, Mother.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I got you a little something.

- Strawberry lube?
- Sorry, they were out of ham flavored.

- Thanks.
- Do not eat it in the car.

Thanks for taking care
of Roscoe for the weekend.

No problem.
We're going to have

- a lot of fun.
- Come here, give me a hug.

- Be a good boy.
- I will.

Listen to your dad. Unless it's
against your better judgment.

- Okay. - I love you.
- I love you, too.

Go wait in the car, I'll be right out.
Thanks for letting me

- have this time with him.
- Oh, happy to do it. Just don't feed him

- A lot of crap.
- I won't.

- No scary movies.
- Of course not.

- I don't want him around your friends.
- Got it.

- Okay, have fun.
- How?!

Anything happens to Roscoe, I'm
going to hunt you down and kill you.

Could have just said "bye."

Oh, hey. You must be "Big Sur."

- Uh, yeah, I guess.
- All right. Up top.

- We're tunnel buddies.
- "Tunnel buddies"?

Yeah, I'm Christy's ex.
Makes us... tunnel buddies.

Oh. Oh.
No, I see. Actually, we're not

"buddies" just yet.
She and I are taking it slow.

Wow. Really?
I hit that the first night.

- Well, it was so nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

Oh, Big Sur... when it does
happen, you're going to love it.

Love. It.

- Could somebody get the door?
- Hang on!

- Hello.
- Oh, look at you.

Like a puppy.
Come on in. Come on.

- I'm Bonnie, Christy's mom.
- Oh, pleasure to meet you.

- Adam Henchy.
- I know. Christy, he's here,

he's adorable,
I can't believe you waited.

- I'm almost done packing I'll be right there.
- Oh, no hurry.

You're talking to my mother...
Believe me there's a hurry.

- Let me introduce you to the rest
of the family. - Yes.

- This is Christy's daughter, Violet.
- Violet, yes. Finally.

- I've heard so much about you.
- Hey.

Don't take it personal.
She's not very nice.

- And this is her boyfriend, Luke.
- Hi.

Oh, good luck This weekend.
I am pulling for you.

Don't stand too close, he'll impregnate you.
So, Adam, big trip, huh?

Uh, yeah.
My college roommate's getting married.

- That's not what I'm talking about.
- What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

I don't want to talk about
what you want to talk about.

She's going to tell me everything
when she gets back anyway.

Christy, help!

- Whatever she said, I'm sorry.
- It was nice to meet you.

- Just keep walking.
- Okay.

Ladies first.

- You bring your bathing suit?
- Huh? What? No.

- Oh, damn, I'm nervous.
- About what?

Really? You're going
to make me say it?

- No. I'm just as nervous.
- Well, I find that if

you talk about your fears,
you take away their power.

- Yeah, I find that, too.
- All right, well, then,

let's just put everything on the
table, yeah? We've been seeing each

other for three months,
and sometime tonight,

we are going to have sex
for the very first time.

Woo! There. I said it.

- I feel better. How about you?
- Oh, yeah.

- Beautiful wedding, huh?
- Yeah. - You know, they met

- on a dating website.
- No kidding.

Yep. First date, they fell into bed with

each other and they've been
all over each other ever since.

That explains why she
grabbed his ass at the altar.

- Right.
- So, what do you feel like doing?

Really?
You're going to make me say it?

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- My friends really liked you.
- I liked them, too.

Yeah?
Uh, what'd you think of the band?

- They were okay.
- Where'd you learn

To dance like that?
- Oh, believe it or not... boy scout camp.

- Really?
- That's right, yeah. One of my scout leaders

Used to dance on broadway.
He taught us guys everything.

The waltz, the salsa, the tango.

Some of the parents
actually got really upset.

Kind of like footloose.

How you-how you doing in there?

- Almost.
- Oh, you know.

I think there's a full moon tonight.

- Christy!
- Oh. Hey.

What are you doing?

- Um... I'm running away.
- Why?

- I'm just not ready to have sex with you.
- Get in here.

- Are you out of your mind?
- Uh, maybe. Yeah.

- Why didn't you just say something?
- Oh, I thought it'd be easier to just...

crawl through the bathroom
window, shimmy down a drainpipe

- and take a bus home.
- You thought that'd be easier?

Oh, come on, don't make me defend it.

All right, fine.
Just tell me the truth.

Is the problem me? Is it that
you just don't want to be with me?

No, you're terrific. The
problem is me. I'm just too scared.

Oh, Christy. Come here.
There's nothing to be scared of.

- Yeah, there is.
- Name three things.

Number one... you see me
naked and there's a couple of

tattoos that will need
explaining. Number two...

Should we start out simple,
guy on top, or do we go straight

for Cirque du Soleil? Number three...
sounds. Should they be real,

or should they be, "ooh, baby,
ooh, baby"? Number four...

- Oh-oh, that's fine. Just wanted three.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm just getting started.
Ooh, here's a good one... what if you can't do it?

Who ends up crying in
the shower, me or you?

Probably me.

- I'm telling you, we're doomed.
- Wow.

I've disappointed a few women
in my life, but this is my first

- Doomsday scenario.
- Listen.

The reason I'm not ready
to have sex with you

is because I'm still figuring
out who I am, and until I do...

- I don't think I can be in a relationship.
- So, what does that mean?

It means we take a break.

- So, what, we'll just be, like, friends?
- Yeah. Friends.

Oh, god. How do I always wind up being
friends with hot chicks? Unbelievable.

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

All right, friend. What do you say,

you hungry? Want to
get some room service?

- No, actually, I'm not hungry at all.
- Yeah, well, I'm starving.

Hi, could you connect me
with room service, please?

Oh, Adam, don't use food
to cover up your feelings.

Shut up.

- Hello, Christy.
- Oh, hi. What a surprise.

- We need to talk.
- We do?

- Yes, we do. May I come in?
- Yeah, sure.

I was wrong. I'd like to
have sex in a hotel bathrobe.

Mom, this is "Clowdia."
Gabriel's wife.

Oh, well.
Isn't it, uh, nice to meet you.

- Hello.
- Got your back.

- So... what's up?
- I confronted Gabriel about the affair.

- Really? What did he say?
- He denied it. He said it was

all in my imagination because
I have a drinking problem.

And... do you believe him?

- I do, I'm a mess.
- Yes, you are!

- Can you help me?
- Yes, I can!

- Wait, why me?
- Gabriel said you're a huge alcoholic

- and it wrecked your life.
- He's right again!

Bring it on in, sloppy.

O.M.G.! Yeah!

Aw, I wanted to hit her.