Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 14 - Written in the Stars - full transcript

On Valentine's Day, Mitch and Cam ruin Luke's date, Jay and Gloria do some role playing and Joe has a crush on Claire.

Hey, Phil.

Jay, where are you?
What are you doing?

I'm just walking
into my house.

Stop! Don't you take
another step!

What the hell are you
talking about?

Claire just told me your
Valentine's plans
for Gloria.

You're walking
into a buzz saw!

Get in.

What am I looking
at here?

Oh, it's a role-playing thing
we do on Valentine's.

It bumps the lovemaking up
a notch.
Phil, why?

Gloria is mad at you.

If you walk in there
with some lame gift,

she will bite your head
right off, mister.

Well, you worried
for nothing.

I bought her
a nice cookie,

and the biggest
Mylar balloon they sold
at the grocery store.

Wake up, man!
You're losing her!

When did you talk
to Gloria?

This afternoon.

I'm just taking Claire up
to the overlook on Mulholland

for a little old-school
make-out sesh.

Oh, Phil.

You're so good
at Valentine things...

unlike some ungrateful,
selfish men

that don't
appreciate women!

You need to step it up


By dressing up in costumes
like weirdos?

It's not weird, Dad.
It's fun.

Yeah. Tonight,
we get to be 17 again,

when we were just
a couple of innocent,

wide-eyed virgins.

Shut up.

I'm not doing it.

Today, when Gloria found out
what we were doing,

she said,
"Damn it, Phil.

You are so good
at Valentine's.

I wish Jay
was as sexy as you."

She never said that.

I'm paraphrasing.

Okay, call Gloria,

tell her to meet you
at a hotel bar,

and then you show up
as some romantic character.

Who would I be?

Think of the most
exotic person you can.

General Eisenhower,

the father
of the American freeway.

You're gonna want to think
a little sexier than that.

You have not
seen the right photos.

What are you doing?
I thought he was taking
you out to dinner.

I'm pre-eating
so I don't look like a pig.

Oh, please tell me
you don't eat on dates.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, this professor
from Alex's college.

Normally, I wouldn't go out
with a guy like that,

but there's something
about him.

"Something about him"?
He's a genius.

He's one of the most respected
minds on campus,

who also happens to look like
the protagonist

from a Jane Austen novel.

He's totally
out of your league.

Oh, well, now
you're being crazy.

Are you into him
or something?

No! I'm just
genuinely concerned

you're going to embarrass
yourself or me.

At least look up the
difference between
astrology and astronomy.

Okay, alls I know is,

is that you're being
a real Capricorn right now.

The sun revolves
around the Earth,

and not you.

I cannot believe we got
into this restaurant.

I know.
Oh, you know what?

Let's take a picture
and use Facebook the
way it was intended.

Oh, to find out how racist
our high-school friends are?

No, to make people
in our lives
feel worse about their lives.



Your table's being set up
right now.


Oh, my G-- No.

Th-That's Luke.
No. We ca--

No, we can't sit next to --
I'm s--
We can't sit there.

Can we have a --
Can we have a different table?

I'm sorry, not tonight.

If you guys don't want it,
I have 10 other people who do.

You know what?

Tonight was supposed to be
a romantic night.

I-I don't want to watch him

make his sweaty moves
on his conquest of the week.

And some of them buy it.

Under what gas leak is

he finding these
brain-dead bimbos?

And have you heard
how mean he's gotten?

The other day,
he called us "catty."

He called us catty?

You sure he wasn't talking
about the dead cat on his head

he calls a haircut?
Oh, my --

Hey, guys!

Hey, Luke!
What a coincidence.

I think it's nice that
we're helping out

Dad and Gloria tonight.

I know. I'm just
a little bummed

that we're stuck here,
watching Joe,

when we could be messing
around in a Trans Am.

Or...did we just

take it up
a notch, huh?

I'm the foxy babysitter.
The kid's asleep.

You are the foxy bad boy

who sneaks over
with some wine coolers...

Oh, radical.

Now that I'm six,
I like girls,

but I love two girls --

The Little Mermaid
and Claire.

Oh. Joe.
W-What are you doing up?

Hello, Claire.
I made this for you.

Oh, my goodness.

it's a Valentine.

It's two love bugs.


Two love bugs.

Three's a crowd.


Hey, how can I help you?

I am Gigi DeLaroca,

Life has tried to break me,
but it has only teach me.

So, you want a drink?

The lady will
have Campari and soda.

Hello, sir.

I have never had
that drink.

Well, no one "Camparis"
to you.

Very clever.

I am Gigi DeLaroca,

I am Raoul Matadore.

I own this hotel.
May I?

Of course, Mr. Matadore.

Like Andy Garcia in
"Ocean's Eleven."

I don't think
you have to explain.

Right. Um, you talk.

No, I mean, um...
Thank you.

Tell me about you.

What business are you in?

Well, let's just say,

I'm just a lady that works
in the evening.

But I am not available
to any man.

So charm me, Mr. Matadore.

This hotel...

has the finest closets
in all the land.

We have lighted rods
and soft-close doors.

I was once married
to a man

that endlessly talked
about closet.

You're boring me
very much.

Okay, well, um...


I need one secondo, huh?

Hotel businesso, huh?

Oh, my goodness.

The waitress --
She left a menu here.

Now, I'm wondering
if we should have got --

Oh, my God!
Where's his date?

Do you think
he got stood up?

Let me see that.
Right here.

It's so embarrassing.
What do we even say?

They're not
soundproof menus.

She's standing me up.

Women are impossible,
you know?

For us, they are.

Well, now,
I made it work once,

although there was a Rob Lowe
poster behind her.

You know what?
I say to heck with this gal.

Get back out there,
go to a bar!

I hear that.

A guy like you,
great head of hair...

Nah, I'm too depressed.

Besides, I prepaid
for my meal.
I guess I'll order.

Just forget I'm here.

happy Valentine's Day.

You look so handsome.

Ugh! This sucks.

I can't believe I let you
talk me into doing this crap.

- I need help!
- It's okay.

Underneath it all,
it's just you and your wife.

That's the problem.

I don't know how I got her
to begin with.

And I'm starting to feel
if I can't pull this off,

she's gonna figure out
she got duped the first time.

Let me start by saying
"thank you"

for being so vulnerable
with me.

I hate you.

Also, I'm no expert
at this,

but I have a friend
here who is.

Clive Bixby here.

How can I make your night

If I can't role-play with her,
I'm not doin' it with you.

Whatevs, Daddio.

I'm gonna give the phone
back to Philip.

Phil here.

Listen, it's all about
commitment and confidence.

What's --
What's your character?

Raoul Matadore, hotel owner,
like Andy Garcia --

In "Ocean's Eleven" --
I love this for you!

Did you go
with the timepiece?

Yeah, I thought
at some moment,
I'd pull it out,

smash it on the bar,
and say,

"I want to remember the
exact moment I fell in love."

I'm an idiot!

That silence is me picking
my jaw up off the floor.

We're all walking,
and you're flying, mister.

You think so?

But don't take it from me.

Clive again.

Mr. Matadore,
I tip my turtleneck to ya.


All right, no peeking.

Oh, no peeking.

I hope you're not

It's so pretty!

You know what else
is pretty?

Oh! Stop.


Well, I was going to
say "Venus."

But sure,
let's go with you.

Come on, have a look.



Oh! Okay.


Yeah, there's a new moon,
so it's the perfect night

to observe
faint star clusters.

And --
And right in the middle,

there's a variable star
that I discovered.

It's right next
to a white dwarf.

Oh, I don't think
you're allowed

to say that anymore.

Yes, tricky times
we live in.

Wow, this is so cool.

Right. Have a --
Have a think about this --

There is a theory
that suggests
the universe is so large

that everything
that can happen is
happening all the time.

Do you smoke weed?

Oh. No.

Sor-- Sorry, I'm a little
obsessed with space.

I-I built my first
Dobsonian telescope

when I was 10.

You made a telescope?

The only thing I've ever made
was an ashtray for my mom

that says,
"Rub your butt here."

Oh, like cigarette butt.


What are you doing
next August 27th

at, uh, 8:00 p.m.?

I have no idea.

NASA is giving me an award
for a radiation shield,

and --
NASA's giving you
an award?

I need a date.
There's no pressure.

But it saved the lives
of a bunch of astronauts.

Wow, you've done a lot.

Well, I'm --
I'm sure you've had

your share
of accomplishments.

Oh, yeah!
Yeah, of course.

Let's see.
There was, um...



Nope. Nope.
That is a --

That is a bad road.

Well, uh, uh, okay,
so professionally,

I've been kind of sort of
dabbling in, like,

a lot of different --

Um...I-I-I-I once flew

next to the bass player
of The Killers.

Uh, you know, it just kind of
looked like him.

Is there a bathroom?

Here, I'm just gonna
find it myself.

No big deal. I'm fine.
I'm -- I'm great.


So, are you seeing
anybody new?

No, I didn't even make my mom
a Valentine's card this year.

It's alarming that
I asked about dating,

and you went right
to your mother.


it's Professor Fennerman.

I'm sorry to bother you
on Valentine's.

Uh, it's okay. Uh...

Have you heard
from Haley?

Isn't she with you?

She was, and...
then she suddenly ran off.

I think -- I think
I may have bored her

to the point of fleeing.

You could never
bore anyone.

You know who's boring?
Professor Schaeffer.

He's insufferable.

He never stops
droning on.

He's like the cosmic
background radiation.

Because he's
the constant noise
you can't get rid of!

Thank God somebody
gets me tonight.

You know, I think
it might have been a bad idea,

bringing her
to the observatory.

I probably should have set
my sights on someone

with whom I have
more in common.

Do you know what I mean?

I...think I do.

Anyway, I think I'll wait here
a little longer,

take in the stars,
just in case she shows up.

Maybe she will.

Thanks, Alex.

Oh, my God.

Haley blew him off.

I think he wants me to come
to the observatory

to be with him.

You have feelings
for this guy!

Who wouldn't?!

I mean, do you know
how hard it is

to find
a good-looking genius?

There's him, and when I put in
a little effort, me!

Then go.

I will.
Yeah, you will.

a-and I'm gonna make
a Valentine for my mom.

They're not the same!

Okay, open --
open mine first.

It's -- It's a kimono.

I took an online
origami class.

It's a haiku.

"Friend, lover, husband.

My life started
when we met.

You're my everything."

You are.

Ooh, let's see what you wrote
in yours.

It's a tandem bicycle.

It's so cute.

"Happy V-Day.

Love, M."

And I thought my date
was cold.

What? No.
Cam knows what I mean.

Cam knows
you are mean?

You were more effusive
about tonight's menu

than you were
in my card.

"The molten
chocolate cake looks
slutty and delicious."

Would it kill you
to say that about me?

What the hell?
Amanda was here.

This picture you posted
on Facebook --

She's right behind you.
Why would she just leave?

Tonight was supposed to be
a romantic night.

I don't want to watch Luke
make his sweaty moves

on his conquest
of the week.

and some of them buy it.

Under what gas leak is

he finding these
brain-dead bimbos?

I know what happened.

She walked in,
saw me for the first time,

and thought I was hideous.

I've really been struggling
with my hair lately.

No, no, stop it.
You have great hair.

If it worked
for Sheena Easton,
it can work for you.

We spent
all this time texting.

I thought we had
a real connection,

like, we really got
each other.

We couldn't let him
blame himself.

But, uh...he took it
pretty well.

You catty bitches!

Luke, we love you,
but ever since
you hit puberty,

you've been...
a little disgusting.
A little disgusting.

Don't you think
I know that?!

She was my chance
to turn it around.

Okay, you know what?
Call her.

We'll get on the phone,
we'll clear
the whole thing up.

I called her.
She's not picking up.

We're going
to her apartment.

We messed this up,
we'll fix it.

Before the cake arrives?

I've been wanting
to bury my face
in that all night long.

How can you not
hear this?

Okay, Joey,
it's getting late.

It's time to get you
up to bed.

Can you do a quick
monster check first?

Yes, I can.

Phil, I can't sleep
without my teddy bear,

and I left him
in my wagon.

Can you get him?
I'm afraid of the dark.

You got it, buddy.

What are you doing?

Open the door.

Fulgencio Joseph

Open the door!

You let me in right now,
young man.

Not cool, Joe!

Joe, what is going on
with this music?

My God.

Where's Phil?

Who knows
with that guy?

Honey, what happened?

Mini Casanova
locked me out.

That is enough.

Joe, you are
a little boy,

and you're going to bed
right now.

You're a bad Valentine!

Oh, no.

I feel like the rest
of the Breakfast Club

when they realized
Judd Nelson was

more vulnerable
than they thought.

My hotel
in Ibiza was my favorite.

I used to hang out
with Telly Savalas,

Lyle Waggoner,

but the scenery here

makes me like this one
mucho more.

You don't have to impress me
with money

or name-dropping,
I think.

I like you.

Don't tell this
to my madam,

but I cannot accept
any money from you.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Can I talk with you
for a moment?


I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave now.


The hotel owner
is very strict about...

women who
do what you do.

Ooh, you're gonna
take me to a room

where the hotel owner
is going to give me

a very tough,
sexy talking to?

No, you're gonna leave,
or we're gonna
call the police.

Yes, call the police.
Gloria --

I've been a very, very
bad girl.

This is not a part of it.

Sir, she is not
a prostitute.

This is my wife.

That's what
they all say.


Yep, that's probably what
I would've said.

Here she is.

What do you want?

Oh, hi!
Here she is.

Hey! Wow.

You're actually hotter
than your picture.

You know, let us talk.
Hi! So, we're --

we're Luke's uncles.
We're Luke's uncles.

- You're his uncles?
- Uh-huh.

And you said he puts sweaty
moves on brain-dead bimbos?

Okay, hadn't heard
the specifics.

Okay, you know --
you know what?

We d-- We didn't mean
any of that.

We're gay,
and gays are snarky.

It's a cultural thing.

You know how, like,
you're Italian?

Italians talk
a lot with their hands, right?

And are much looser

than one would imagine
for Catholics.

Okay, okay.
Let me talk right now.

Okay, Amanda,
Luke's an amazing guy.

Why would I believe
what you're saying now

and not what
you said before?

I don't know.
I don't know.

You know, maybe we were
just being snarky

because we were jealous
of you guys.

I mean, seeing Luke
all dressed up,

getting ready
for a first date, the --

the excitement of being
young and in love.


I-I remember when
I first met Cam --

I'm Cam.
This is Cam.

I knew I had met
the person

I was gonna spend
the rest of my life with.

That's what I want, too --
a relationship,

someone who's gonna
be there for me.

Luke feels
the same way.

I mean, this is a guy
who is ready for commitment.

We've really
only texted.

Okay, well,
when I say --

when I say
to give Luke a chance,

it's because I-I know
what's at stake for you.

I-I mean, you think
it's amazing now?

You can't even imagine
what it could grow into.

If you guys have
even the smallest chance

of having what we have...
you have to go for it.

Oh, my God, Mitchell.

That is the Valentine's Day
card I've always wanted.


That was sweet.

But Luke's gone.

Drive until
you hear a party.

Okay. Well, you know what?
Good luck, honey.

Bye, then.
Yeah, take care.


You see? We have
the same address

and the same last name.

I was just pretending
to be a prostitute

because my husband has a thing
for Jane Fonda in "Klute."

The body was crazy,

so were the politics.

Well, I guess you didn't do
anything wrong by hotel rules,

but based on my personal
belief system --

We're not looking for
any input. Thank you.

I can't believe I took
romantic advice from Phil,

a grown man I've seen in
at least three times.

Phil told you to do
the role play?

Yeah, he said you were mad
this morning

because I always drop the ball
on days like this.

I wasn't mad at you.

I was mad at Joe
because he didn't make me
a Valentine.

So, your 6-year-old kid
doesn't give you a card,

you get so mad,
you throw a tire iron
through the windshield.

It's got to be deeper
than that.

for the first time ever,

didn't make me
a Valentine's, either.

That's not deeper.

That's just doubling down
on the same disturbing thing.


When Manny was
5 years old,

he told me that he would
forever be my Valentine's.

Promises were made.
I will not be ignored!

Okay, yeah.
That sounded weird.

But the point is
that I know

that you're not good
at romantic things,

and I'm fine with it.

Don't let me off the hook.
If I did more,

you won't depend on your kids
for those things.

And if I learned anything

from trying to pick you up

it's how lucky
I was to get you
in the first place.

I've got to do better.

And I didn't think anyone

could get any sexier
than Raoul Matadore.

I want to remember
the exact moment

I fell in love with you
all over again.

What the hell
have you done?

That was
my father's watch!

Poor little Joe.

You don't think I led him on,
do you?

No, no.

I am not doing this.

Women always blame

Well, I'm sorry, Joe.
I don't owe you anything.

You know what?
I-I think I'll handle this.

Hey, buddy.

Are you gonna yell
at me, too?


The reason Claire
was yelling at you

was to protect
my feelings.

She knows I can't
compete with you,

which is, um...

which is why I have to ask you
a really big favor.

Can you pick
another girl?

I mean, you can have
anyone you want,

Claire's all I've got.

I'd be lost without her.

I don't even know how
I got her
in the first place.

You are pretty silly.

What do you say?
Dude to dude,
will you back off?


Is Haley seeing anyone?


How'd I get back to Arvin?
I don't know.

I was just looking
for the parking lot

when I came to a fork
in the path.

Had I taken the other path,

I would've just gotten
in my car
and gone home.


You came back!

Damn it, I did!

Why did you run off?
What did I do?

And I've done nothing.

I-I feel like a loser.

You feel like a loser?

Why do you think I went on
about myself so appallingly?

Ooh, look at me.

I won
the Von Snootington Award

for Applied

You won another award?
How is this helping?

Haley...I like you.

You are formidable
in a way that's...

that's different
and exciting to me.

Yeah, well, same,

but it just doesn't
make sense.

I love things that
don't make sense.

That's my gig.

Let's figure this out

Come on.

What can I do?

That helps.

Oh, it's so weird to
think that if I had
taken another path,

I could be heading home
right now.

Wait a minute.
It's like what
you said before.

In a different universe,
you could be
with someone else.

Um, uh, could we --
could we change this song?

The poppy cadence
is throwing off

my more bluesy
lovemaking style.


Aw, geez!
Dios mio!

Don't you ever knock?!
This is my bedroom!

I can't believe this is
happening again!


I wish I had
gotten arrested!

Mom, where are you?
I made you a Valen--

Okay, what kind of freak show
goes on here
when I'm not around?

Captions by VITAC