Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 13 - In Your Head - full transcript

Good morning, gentlemen.
Hi.

Max, how'd you sleep?

I love crashing here!

This is just like
college--

staying up too late,
passing out on the couch,

mean Asian chick
down the hall.

Yeah.
Where is Lily?

I don't know.
S-School, maybe?

I'm right here.

Oh.
Oh.

We met Max in Amsterdam
on what we thought



was a tour
of pottery cafes, so...

I don't remember
much about it,

but I do remember
thinking

he was the funniest person
I've ever met.

And we told him
if he ever came into town,

that he had to
stay with us.

And I-I-I'm so glad
he said yes

because I remember
being really, uh, paranoid

that he
didn't like me.

You two,
get out of here.

I'm gonna whip us up
some breakfast.

Oh!

Oof.

Whoo! My head feels like
the Hindenburg.



Oh, come on!

I feel like

he was funnier in Europe.
Yeah.

Mitchell! Look!

Our crazy-expensive
bottle of wine?

I-- uh, we were saving this
for the perfect occasion.

Okay, well,
he must've drank it
after we went to bed.

Who does that?
Just drink somebody's
most expensive bottle

of wine without asking?

Okay, it's a hate crime.
How is it a hate crime?

Because I hate him.

I ca-- I can't
believe it's almost gone.

Look, you know,
I've only ever considered
opening that twice--

once early
on election night

and then when we thought
La La Land won Best Picture.

I know.
It's been a rough year.

Breakfast!

No, no.

Is that our caviar?

Yeah!
Lucky I found it.

It was hiding
in the back of the fridge.

For a special occasion.

Something wrong?
Yeah... yeah.

Uh, first you open up
our $400 bottle of wine.

Now it's
our $200 tin of caviar.

We were saving those.
For what?

A celebration, like--

What about when
Moonlight won the Oscar?

Okay, it was a big moment
for the community, yes--

Okay, you know what? Look.
I'm gonna go, okay?

But, guys,
don't defer enjoyment,

'cause you never know when
you're gonna bite it.

I say, make every
night special.

Okay, well, that's a--
that's a fun philosophy,

but not everyone
can follow that, okay?

'Cause-'cause we have
responsibilities.

We have--
We have budgets.

We have a daughter,
you know.

Where is our daughter?

I don't know. Backyard, maybe?
Maybe.

Earl Chambers,

my former business partner
turned dumbass nemesis,

bought the old
horizontal wardrobe.

For you closet non-pros,
that means he died.

Then last week, I received
this urn and this note.

"You know what to do
with my ashes.

Follow the path."

What the hell does that mean?

You think you can
drive me nuts,
but you can't.

He can't actually hear you
unless you open the lid.

I still
can't figure out

the meaning of
"Follow the path."

I'm gonna need you
to call Shirl

and find out why her father's
been torturing me.

You call her!
That's not an option.

She's a greasy slime bucket,
just like her father,

and for some reason,
she doesn't like me.

Hmm... I'll see
what I can do.

Oh...

Hey, Manny!
What's up?

I'm not here!
Everything's fine!

Super-dupes.
Okay, I'll-I'll talk.

Luke and I went
to a sketchy neighborhood

for tacos last night,

and he disappeared,
and I haven't seen him since.

What? Where did you
see him last?

He went off
with this girl.

With a girl?
Yeah.

Manny.

Let me tell you a little
something about Dunphy men.

When we come into contact
with a lady,

we leave her with
a burning sensation.

Let me try that again.

Um... when a Dunphy man
sees a sexy skirt,

he's just gotta
get in it.

No!
I get the point.

Look, I'm just glad
you came to me...

I didn't.
You caught me here.

...'cause I don't want
Claire freaking out

about this.

Luke's phone is going
straight to voicemail.

Someone's got a sock
on the digital doorknob.

I really think you should be
a little worried about this.

Worried?!

Let me tell you something
about Dunphy men.

Phil, this was
a pretty rough neighborhood.

Tell you what,

if it makes you
feel better,

we'll go down there
and look around for him.

We're gonna need backup--
serious backup.

Okay, be cool.

I used to live
in this neighborhood.

If you act tough,
nobody will mess with you.

Hey!

Would you like to try

a cruelty-free,
alkaline-water snow cone?

What?
Free sample.

You can get a larger one
down at our stand.

We also refurbish tubas.

No, thank you.

What happened to
my neighborhood?

Have the best day.

White people with beards--
they ruined everything.

Why would you even say
that this place was dangerous?

It was a lot scarier at dark.
There was jazz.

Luke's still not
answering.

We're gonna find him,
Phil.

Oh, I-I'm not worried.
I've been there.

Meet a girl, you lose track
of place and time,

not just 'cause your
compass watch is missing,

and suddenly her cousin Rodney
has the exact same watch

but swears
it was always his.

Oh, look!
Mario's Body Shop.

At least one thing
is still the same.

There's nothing that happens
in this street

that Mario
doesn't know about.

Let's go over there.

So, red lights are flashing.
Alarms are blaring.

We're about ten seconds
from a meltdown so hot

it's gonna turn Belgium
into a pool of hot chocolate.

And I suddenly realize,

they haven't properly
accounted for
the relativistic distort--

Hey, what's this
building's number?

I'm trying to Postmates a
smoothie.
Shh!

I quickly do
a few multidimensional

tensor calculations
in my head,

I push this crying guard
to one side

and adjust the synchrotron.

I look up
at the countdown clock.

Five... four...

You, with the phone!

What's your name?
Alex Dunphy.

Ms. Dunphy, is my story
of saving the world

whilst accidently creating
three new elements boring you?

Uh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm so sorry,
Professor.

Nothing you could say
would ever bore me.

I revere you.

I actually went as you
last year for Halloween.

Okay, it's my phone.

Don't blame my sister.

Hey, Chelsea.
Gonna have to call you back.

Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!

Excuse me,
Chelsea's friend.

Y-You don't look like
one of my students.

Oh, thank you!
That is so sweet.

No.
Why are you here?

Oh, I have a really big
job interview today,

and I need someone
to look over
what I wrote for my--

Yeah, we're going. I'm taking
her out. I am so sorry.

What? He asked.
You're being rude.

Oh!

Ooh.

Very revealing.
Get out.

Claire, I'm so glad
you called.

How come we've never
done this before?

Because we were born
into a feud.

Hatfields and McCoys,
the Sharks and Jets,

the-the closet lunatic
and the closet idiot.

By the way,

I'm really sorry
about your dad.
Thanks.

Do you have any idea
why he had
his ashes sent to my dad?

Probably to drive him bonkers.
Well, it's working.

That would've
made him happy.

Let's make a pact--
to never be like them.

I am in.
Mm-hmm.

We are two women in
a male-dominated industry.

We should
help each other.

Actually, do you have
any sources

for antique
pineapple knobs?

We're doing this
whole colonial line--

Ooh, I bet you
Lazlo would know.

He's our lead designer.

Everybody knows who Lazlo is.
He's a legend.

Yeah, and my only employee

worth a damn.
Mm.

Robot workers.
Now, that's the future.

Right!
They work 24/7,

and you don't have to
buy them a birthday cake.

Yeah, and as they
become more human,

you can be like, "Hey, you,
come into my office,"

and then you just
go to town on them.
Yeah.

What the hell?

What happened
to the body shop?

Oh, we just
kept the sign.

Oh, uh, so-so
no M-Mario?

Mm-mm.
We're an artist collective.

Jillian works in yarn,

Mumford sculpts with Lego,
Duncan is a painter.

May I write you a poem?

Are you kidding me?

I told you
it was a career.

Um, any chance that
you have, uh, seen my son?

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, okay. He-he was
around here last night.

He apparently went off with
a girl from this neighborhood.

We just haven't been able
to reach him since.

Do you know
the girl's name?

No.
Uh, something Latin-y.

What happened to you?
You used to be Latin-y.

Can you describe her?

Brown hair,
high cheekbones--

What is he gonna do,
build her out of Legos?

Huh, that is
surprisingly effective.

Wait a minute.
I know that girl.

I think she works
at a cupcake shop.

Great.
Where is it?

Well, I'm not sure which one
because we have four.

There's Cupcakes! with
an exclamation point;

there's vegan cupcakes
at Cupfakes;

there's Pupcakes,
which sells cupcakes for dogs;

and then there's
Rick's VCR Repair.

Oh, they make
the best cupcakes.

Stupid Max, forcing us
to eat our caviar

on a regular
Friday morning.

I can't even enjoy
the symphony of flavors,

or the-- or the way
that it melts in my mouth.

Why don't you
just wash it down
with whatever wine's left?

Yeah, why don't I.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Mmm, and, of course,
you know what?

It pairs perfectly.

I-I cannot believe
I'm having one of the
best meals of my life

and we're not
even celebrating anything.

Yeah, thanks, Max!

Thank you, Max.
Thank you, Max.

Mmm...

Cam, is it-- is it--
is it possible

that we're actually
enjoying ourselves

and-and that
Max was right?

Maybe we do
defer enjoyment.

All those unspent
frequent flyer miles,

the boots that
I have waited so long to wear

that they're
no longer in style,

the-the-the surfboards
that we've never used

because it just "had to be
the perfect beach day."

What are you doing?

Mitchell...
I'm lighting it.

No!
I'm lighting it!

No, that is our
monogrammed wedding candle,

and we're
supposed to save it.

For what, Cam?

I don't know!
You don't know.

I don't.
You don't know.

Oh... look at it.

Smells like eternal love.

Aw... oh.
O-kay.

Why are you
always in my office?

I do my best work in here.

I've been trying
to get into his head.

I even brought
his favorite lunch--

shrimp cocktail
and bourbon.

Or that's just what you have
for lunch every day.

That's another thing
Earl stole from me!

What did you find out?

First of all,
Shirl doesn't know
anything about the ashes.

And second,
we're not gonna be a part

of your little feud anymore.
We're gonna be friends.

She's playing you!

No...
Let me ask you a question.

Did you tell her we're bidding
on Belmont Gardens?

No. Why?

Because 15 minutes ago,
I got a phone call

saying,
just out of the blue,

Closets Closets
Closets Closets
is bidding against us.

Did she see
your proposal?

Yes, Dad!
I'm quite sure

she rifled through my bag
when I was in the bathroom.

You went to the bathroom?

Why don't you just
give her the company?!

Oh, God.

Bingo! Ketchup!
What does that prove?

Did she have
ketchup for lunch?
She had... French fries.

There's your smoking gun.
Margaret?

I'm gonna need
fries and ketchup
to get in Shirl's head.

No! No, Shirl
wouldn't have done this.

Bad news.

Uh, we finally tracked down
those pineapple knobs,

but they were all
just bought up by Closets...

No.
...Closets...

No, Margaret!

...Closets Closets.

Shirl screwed me.

You know what you have to do?

You've got to
hit her where it hurts.

What does she
value most?

Lazlo.

I don't think
you understand

how humiliating
that was for me.

There are parts of me
that will never un-cringe.

Oh, my God!

So I interrupted
some boring story.

Dr. Arvin Fennerman

is a two-time
Vanderkoff Grant winner--

one for philosophy
and one for geometry.

You can't put him into a box
because--

Could you please just read
my sample?

This job
is important to me.

This is my one shot
at a real career.

Fine, I'll read it.
And "real career"?

I've seen
this NERP business.

Nicole Rosemary Page
seems bonkers.

Didn't she get in trouble
for cannibalism?

No. Turns out there
are no laws against

eating your own appendix,

and it does help with fine
lines.
Ugh.

But she's
a success story.

Child star,
Bond girl, indie darling

before she lost
all her money to
a Fonzie scheme.

Don't you mean "Ponzi" scheme?
Sadly, no.

So, out of desperation,
she invented NERP,

and next thing you know--
boom! Empire.

I just want to be
a part of something great.

Well,
if I'm being honest,

your writing sample's
actually pretty good.

Really?! Thank you.

Oh, my God.
It's Dr. Fennerman.

Don't think, don't breathe,

keep your head down.
Oh.

Hello.

Sorry!
Hello, Doctor.

Would you like
down sit?

What?

Kind, that's very
you of, Alex.

Um... tell me again,
why were you in my class?

I have
a very big interview

with Nicole Rosemary Page,
and she was just--

Ugh! You know she's
a snake oil salesman, right?

Yes, I know.

People complain about
the diarrhea all the time,

but that is
the point.

Her science
is utter nonsense.

I mean, space stickers
that give you energy

and crystals
that absorb Wi-Fi

and, seriously,
$1,200 socks?

Those sheep
eat nothing but sushi.

Are we done here?
Surprisingly, not.

This might sound
crazy, but...

I'm going to marry you.

What?!

I'm sorry,
first time talking to
a real girl?

No, l-l-listen.
I-I-I don't get it.

Uh, frankly,
it boggles the mind,

but I've been running

dozens of probability
scenarios in my head
since we met,

and-and they all end
with us...

...together.

I have heard some lame
pickup lines in my day, but--

Oh, I have
plenty of those.

Um, are you
a neuro-electrical current?

Because you've been running
through my mind all day.

But th-th-that's not
what this is.

This is going to happen,
Haley Dunphy.

Ew, how do you know my name?
I know everything.

Also, your pass has
your name written on it.

I think I'm gonna
pass out.

Right, I've just air-dropped
my contact info to your phone.

Um, you just tap
to accept it.

Uh, yeah,
not gonna... tap that.

I think you will.

Haley, there are forces
in the universe

that we don't
understand...

measurable forces that...
can't be explained

but cannot be denied...

and that's-that's
what this is.

I don't get it, but...
I know that it's real.

Wow!

That was so dumb!

What?
No, it wasn't.

You're-you're dumb.

That's gonna stick.
I'm-I'm in your head.

Okay.
You'll see.

Sure, buddy.
Now try and walk away cool.

I will.
Okay.

We were standing right here
making out.

All of a sudden, he said,
"I'll be right back,"

and that was the last
I saw of him.

You guys, my break is over,
but I hope you find him.

Thank you
for your help,

and the cupcakes
are delicious,
by the way.

Those are for dogs.
Oh, no.

Ay, Phil,
are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation

why Luke would abandon
a make-out sesh.

No, there isn't.

A Dunphy man
would never do that.

We walk away from fights,
we walk away from spiders,

but never a super-cute girl
who smells like frosting!

You have to
stay positive.

Nothing bad ever happens
this close to a Pottery Barn.

I've been putting on a brave
face to squash the darkness

inside of me, but what
if the worst has happened?

How will I tell Claire?
I won't.
I'll have to smother her

with a pillow to spare her
the pain, but then Jay

will have lost a daughter.
I'll have to smother him, too.

That's two pillows from
the same set. It's a pattern.

The police are after me!
Get ahold of yourself!

Ay!
Ow! What the hell?

It wasn't me.
Look, I'm still cocked!

It was a shoe.

Wait, that's...

that's Luke's.

Hey!

Luke! You're okay!

I got stuck
on the roof.

I'm so relieved!

I don't have to kill
your mother!

Turns out, Luke had to
go to the bathroom.

Someone told him
it was upstairs,

so he walked all the way
up to the roof

and locked himself out.

His phone was dead,
and he-he lost his voice

trying to scream over
the street musicians.

I was so relieved, I ran up
there and gave him a big kiss.

Gloria!

Hi. We're stuck.

Could you pop on up
and open the door?

Dunphy men.

Hello, Lazlo.

It's pronounced "Lazlo."
That's what I said.

Thank you so much
for meeting with us.

Have you had a chance
to consider our offer

to join
Pritchett's Closets?

I'm intrigued,
but I have a list of demands.

Ah, yes,
of course.

Let's see what we have, uh...

...uh, "Two turquoise bowls
of white Chiclets,

an empty office
with a drain in the floor..."

What's a scream room?
I think that's
self-explanatory.

- Hmm.
- Pritchett!

Girl Earl!

You're actually trying
to poach Lazlo from me?

I thought
we were friends.

We were, and then you bought
all my pineapple knobs.

As a gift!
What?

I had them sent to you.
You did?

Don't listen to her.

This is all part
of some sick plan.

Stealing Claire's
proposals,

Earl's urn to get
in my head.

But your little games
are not gonna work.

Yeah.
Yeah, how do you explain

the red ketchup stains
on my proposal, French Fries?

I never use ketchup.

I like my fries the way
I like my Lazlo...

undressed.

Twiddle-Dee.

You guys have a really
complicated relationship.

And what's that
red stain?

Ugh.

Shrimp cocktail sauce,
uh-oh.

Dad!

Shirl--
Save it.

We could have been friends.
Well, forget it.

Game on.

Shirl...

What is she up to?

No, no. Your crazy
conspiracy theories
just cost me a friend.

I thought
I'd finally found

an-an ally
in this industry,

somebody to...
to climb the hill with.

Up the hill!
Oh, my God! That's it!

No, no, you do not get to have
an epiphany right now!

I am furious at you!

The answer is... yes.

People say that NERP

is nothing more
than a con job,

a cash-grab vanity project
from a kooky actress.

Ugh.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a question?

No.
Oh, okay.

But...

is it true?

They don't tell me things.
Who's "they"?

See, I don't see NERP
as, like, a business.

It's more, like, a kind of--
Like a way of life! Me too!

Walt Disney once...
envisioned...

a magical world...
Mm-hmm.

...and people told him
he was mad.

They called it
Walt's Folly.

But you know what that place
became?
Disneyland.

That was not a question.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.

That place is Disneyland.

What?! That's crazy.
Didn't see it coming.

I want to turn NERP

into the next
Disney-Facebook-Tesla-Botox.

It's a world changer.
It's a road map
to the future.

That was a question!
Oh... uh... uh...

All right, listen.

I really liked your
writing sample, it's true.

But...

...we have
a lot of candidates

with more experience
and famous-er parents,

so...

fly away,
little birdie.

Flap. Flap, flap.

Okay, thank you.

Nicole?

You and me--
this is gonna happen.

Excuse me?

There are forces
in the universe
that we don't understand.

They can't be explained,
but they cannot be denied,

and that
is what this is.

I don't-- I don't get it,
but I know that it's real.

Oh, my God!

That is just what I said
to all of those haters

who told me that
my crystal energy stickers

did not improve
your colon health.

Uh!
Crazy.

They do if you,
you know...

Yeah.

So, um, does that mean that
I will see you Monday morning?

Let's make it Tuesday

'cause I like to spend
Mondays in a flotation tank.

As young men,

we'd hike this path
up to an old oak tree,

where we'd brainstorm
how to conquer
the closet universe.

We foolishly thought that
we knew everything
back then.

But hopefully,
I've learned a few things
through the years.

Like live today
as if there's no tomorrow,

that it's not too late
to right past wrongs,

and when things are
looking down, look up

or take chances
you never imagined
you would.

"You stupid softy,
I knew you'd do it.

"Did you try
to do something special?

"Was it at sunset?

"It was at sunset,
wasn't it?

"Sucker. I win.

See you in hell."

I look forward to that.

Whoo!
Whoo!

Whoo!
Oh, this is amazing!

I know! We should have
done this years ago.

Whoa. I'm a little cold.
Are you a little cold?

Yeah, the parts of me that
I can still feel sure are.

Yeah.
Oh, look at those suckers

on their way home from work.
Where?

Enjoy the rat race!

Don't forget to
pay your taxes!
Yeah.

Hey, did you see the story
about that, um, dinosaur fish?

It said it had the head of--
a head of
a snake or something.

Yeah, 16 rows of teeth,
uh-huh.

Hey, do you think that we look
like seals from underneath?

Mitchell, what-what
are we doing?

Wh-- We--

We're living our lives,
is what we're doing.

Yeah, but, uh,
I'm just asking,

but was imagining it
more fun?

Well, it was warmer.

You know, I like
looking forward to things.

Carly Simon's big hit
was "Anticipation,"

not "Remember That
Cool Thing We Did."

Hey, I have an idea.
L-Let's go back,

we'll buy a bottle of wine
that we'll never open

and a candle that
we'll never light,

call it a day, huh?
That sounds wonderful.

Okay.
Okay, but stop
touching my feet.

I didn't touch you.

I didn't touch you.
You didn't--

I didn't touch you.
Dinosaur fish!

Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish!
Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish!

Mitchell!

Mitchell, do not
leave me alone!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH