Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 12 - Dear Beloved Family - full transcript

Phil is sick and wants Claire to find his surgery bear. Jay and Gloria are having issues over explaining Joe about "the death" scenario whilst Cam is furious at Mitchell as he has a crush on someone.

Phil, thank you so much
for helping.

Especially after Jay
was so rude to you last night.

I wanted to start
a new family tradition.

In a way, I succeeded --

we now have
Phil Un-appreciation Day.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I hereby
declare the opening

of the first annual
Dunphy Games.

Hard pass.

Tests of strength,
games of chance --

with the champion receiving
the coveted Dunphy chalice

and this gift card
to Yogurtland.

Phil, it's not
going to happen.

Your dissent has been noted,
town elder,

but perhaps those
who've seen fewer winters
should cast a vote.

Who dares accept the challenge
of a noodle-joust?

No sale,

Oh, well.
Nice try, Son.

I'll probably just drive
back to Florida, then.

Great to see you guys.

I just thought
with everyone growing up,

a new tradition
might give us another excuse

to get together
every year.

Oh, baby, we can
get together today

for Joe's
soccer-team party.

We have
superheroes coming.

We have the Superman,
the X-Men.

That's what Jay called
my dad and me. Ex-men.

That hurts!

what happened?
Oh, it's nothing.

It's probably just
my stilter's hip flaring up.

No, it's not.

Oh, you don't look that good.
Do you have a fever?

I don't know.
I can't tell.

Ay, no,
you're burning up!

Hi, I ordered your
Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks,

and they are both marked "L."

And "L" is for --

"L" is for large.

I'm thinking I've been wearing
two left socks.

I am adorable.

Can you hang on a second?

everything is okay,

but I am taking Phil
to the hospital.

He's dead!

I was just
resting my eyes!

Oh, God!
What happened?!
It's okay, honey.

I just have a little bit
of stomach pain.

Hang in there, sweetie.
I'll --I'm --
I'm -- I'm coming.

I'll be -- I'll be --
I'll be there.

Really, Schwartzy?
Calling me while I'm putting?

It's bush-league
moves like that
why your wife left you,

why we still play poker
and never invite you,
why we --

Oh, it's Gloria.

Jay, pick up Joe and meet me
at the hospital!

What happened?
Is it Stella?!

No, it's Phil!

Wait a minute, I'm --
I'm getting another call.

- Dad --
- I heard.

Okay, Haley and Luke
are working at the club.

Can you grab them
and meet me at the hospital?

Sure thing.
Sorry, guys.

I gotta take the cart.

The clubhouse
is 50 yards away.

Walk the first 25,
make camp,

and then tackle the rest
in the morning.

Forget about Joe, I'll have
Mitch and Cam bring him.

Phil, how's the pain?
On a scale of one to --

Bo Derek!

Got it.

Boy, they did not
get that score wrong, huh?


Okay, it's good,
but is it wow?

We're inviting eight people
over for brunch

with an invitation that reads,
"Friends, Romans,
Hungreymen" --

they're gonna say wow.

Hey, Gloria.

I am taking Phil
to the hospital!

What? They're taking Phil
to the hospital.

It's just
a stomach issue.

Please pick up Joe at soccer
and meet us over there.

Of course.
Oh, but what about Lily?

What is that?
A harp?

Dios mio, no!

The angels
are coming down.

You cannot have him yet!


Haley, would you
mind picking up
Lily from City Kidz gym?

I don't have a car.

Alex said she's on a date,
but she can grab Lily.

Oh, crap. We don't have time
for this valet stuff.

I'm going rogue.

Luke, this thing's
not fast enough.

Grab a nine-iron,
try to hook a bumper.


Hey, Uncle Mitchell,
I'm kinda busy right now.

He is?
I'm on my way.

Sorry, boys,
gotta cut it short today.

Hurry, hurry!
Take him!

If Phil dies, would Claire
get a new husband?

Okay, he's not
gonna die, bud.

But to answer your question,
yes, probably.

You have to
move on with life.

Wait for us.

Comin' in hot!
Comin' in hot!

You're just gonna park that
right there?

I did the closets
for head of surgery here.

I'm untouchable.

Phil, honey,
how are you?

back in the hospital.

But better because of Elsie
and her friend IV.


If it's okay, I invited IV
to come live with us.

Well, I brought you something

that's gonna make you feel
so much better.

Oh, Surgery Bear.

Our first year dating,
we went to a carnival.

At the milk-can toss,

there was a bear
that Claire really liked.

I spent all night trying
to win it,
but I just couldn't.

Came back the next night
and the carnival
had left town.

So, I drove to Fresno,
failed again.

no dice.

Six weeks later,
in Carson City,
Nevada, it happened.

When I handed it to her
and saw the smile on her face,

I proposed to her
on the spot.

it's come with me

to every visit in the hospital
since for good luck.

And I was so worried
about forgetting it

that guess what I did?
Remembered it?

Well, I brought you your nice,
comfy neck pillow,

and I'm gonna run right home
and get you
Surgery Bear, okay?


Oh, honey.

Just in case,

I made one of my goodbye
videos for you and the kids.

I posted it
in the usual spot.

Goodbye videos?

It's nothing,
don't worry about it.

I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.

Hey, Phil.

How you feeling?

Did you tell them about
the long pants?

Oh, yeah, they had to
cut me out of them

when th-- when they got
tangled up

in the spokes
of the wheelchair!

Well, they gave him
the good stuff.

Well, glad you got to
wish him well.

We have to get
this guy prepped
for his gallbladder surgery.

That means
they're gonna shave me.

Should we be worried that
those could be his last words?

I got this.
Phil, we love you.

I love you, too.

They're gonna shave me.

Well, we tried.

So you're sure
Phil's gonna be okay?

Absolutely, papi.

Phil is not gonna die
in a long, long time.

Am I going to die?

Well, Joe, it's a natural
thing that we --

Bup, bup, bup.

This is not a topic
you tend to handle gently.

It's not your fault,

but many people in your orbit
met with ugly ends.

I'll handle this.

Fine. I have to pick up
the party cake.

It's shaped
like a soccer ball.

You sure
that won't scare them?
'Cause the only thing

I've seen them do with
a soccer ball is run from it.

Look, kid,
that's a deep question,

"Will I die some day?"

And I'm gonna be straight
with you about it -- no.


A few years back, people would
live to be around 12.

Nowadays, what with
all the science they're doing,

sky's the limit.

You play your cards right,
and someday you'll be 200,

and if you learn anything
from your old man,

you'll have a gorgeous
bride on your arm.

Uh, there will be
some squawking
from women in their 180s,

but, uh,
you're a successful man

and you've earned
your happiness.

What is
a gallbladder?

Yeah, and what's up with these
organs you don't even need?

You can lose a gallbladder,
an appendix,

and everything's fine.

kind of like husbands.

You lose one,
you just get another.

That is what you said earlier.

Oh, how did I know that was
gonna boomerang back on me?

I didn't bring it up
to attack you.

I just wondered...

have you ever thought about
who you'd end up with

if, you know,
my show closes early?

I would give
my right gallbladder

not to answer
this question.

Come on,
it'll be a fun game.

Don't you want to know
who I'm thinking about?

I guess.

Okay, well, then, let's just
say a name on three.

No, come on.

I think you'll be surprised
by my choice.

You ready?

One, two, three...

You're my everything.

Y-You --
You tricked me.
Okay, who's Caleb?

You -- You met him.
At -- At Jotham's party.

The --
The massage therapist.

Well, I guess he rubbed you
the right way.

Cam, oh, come on.

I only said a name
because you pressured me to.

I've had like
two conversations
with him.

Look, I-I only picked him
because he reminds me of you.

So sweet and open and
such a good balance for me.

I-I thought
he might be, too.

Well, then,
that's lovely.

Oh, thank God.
I cut the right wire.

what is a gallbladder?

The gallbladder is

"a 4-inch pear-shaped organ
that stores bile."

Like --
Like a little bile cabinet.

That's why people
want us around.

Uh, Caleb.

- Hey, Mitchell.
- Hey.

Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

You can set your table up,
uh, down in the TV area.

Sounds good.
You got it.

What's going on?

Uh, would you stop
being so suspicious?

You said you neck hurt from
posing for our photograph,

so I invited Caleb over
to ply his trade.

I do not think
he's here to ply.

I think he's here
so you can pry.

Dad's gonna be fine.

Since we're on the subject,
at my funeral,

make sure the pallbearers
say things like,

she's so light,"

and things like,
"Is she even in here?"

I don't want to be buried.
I'm donating
my body to science.

Haven't you already?
I'm putting kettle bells
in your coffin.

And make sure my cadaver
goes to an Ivy League.

I don't want some hungover
freshman from Swarthmore

getting his hands
all over me.

It's not so bad.

I'm never gonna die.

Science is gonna find
a cure for everything.

Grandpa told me that.

Quick, kids, hey,
listen, Surgery Bear is
not upstairs. Any ideas?

Oh, right, Dad gave it
to Joe when he got his
tonsils taken out.

You could've
told me that before I looked
through Luke's drawers.

Which drawer?!
We'll get into that later.

Oh, come on!

Damn it.

Hey, honey,
did you find Surgery Bear?

yeah, sure did.

He's -- He's right here
with his beautiful blue eyes.

I always
considered them hazel,

but who could tell
underneath those sunglasses?

Sunglasses. Right.


why don't you tell me
what your favorite thing is

about Surgery Bear?

Well, as you know,
he's the polar...

...opposite of me.

I mean,
I hate surfing.

But it makes sense
that a fireman would love it.

Yes, of course.

In my mind, he's a volunteer
fireman during the summer

because professors
have those off.

Professors have --

Oh, gotta run,

Elsie's here to give me
another shot for the pain.

Don't be stingy,

Last time,
it took forever to fee...

Oh, thank God
you're here.

Which one of these
is Surgery Bear?

Neither one.

I gave him to Manny
when he went to college.


Was that Claire?

I don't know, but we've
given out too many keys.

Look out below!

What are you doing there?!
You're gonna kill yourself!

No, I won't.

Dad said
I'm gonna live forever.

Come down here.

Is that what you told him?
Are you crazy?

I didn't want to steal
the kid's innocence.

Joe, I know what
your father said,

but forget it.

You can die from that.


People die all the time.

That's why
you have to be careful.

Everyone dies.

You can choke

or something very heavy
can fall on top of your head.

One time, I heard there was
a little kid that exploded.

The nuns said that it was
because of unclean thoughts.

Do you get all this?

Yes, Mommy.

Those are your friends.
Go welcome them.

Hi, Joe.
I brought cupcakes.

What's the point?

You okay with
the pressure?

If you looked under this
table, you'll see I'm
drooling like a trumpeter.

sorry to interrupt.

Made some hot tea
and some homemade cookies.

I'm suddenly feeling
some tension in your
shoulder here, Mitchell.

Do you cook, like I do,
Caleb, or...?

Oh, no.
Not as much as I used to.

Oh, yeah, well,
nothin' says lovin'

like a
home-cooked meal.

I know.

I had my own restaurant
for 15 years.

Oh, but it failed
and you lost everything?

I had to walk away.

It's such
a stressful life.

But I do miss
having someone to cook for.

Cam, maybe you want
to get into these topics

with Caleb
during your massage?

Oh, yeah, okay.
I'll leave you guys.

And the knots
are melting away.

You know,
I'm a drummer.

Big one
coming back here now.

Are you musical
in any way, Caleb?

Yeah, I was actually
in a band once.

Oh. But it failed
and you lost everything?

Uh, no. We actually toured
Europe for a couple years.

Bought me a house
and a cabin in Hawaii.

When you say Hawaii, you mean
the big island of Ha-va-ee?

I'm sorry, Caleb. I
just remembered I need
to talk to Cameron

about the recycling bin.

Would you excuse us?


You're acting crazy.
Okay, you know what?

I have some health issues
on my mind, Mitchell,

and I was simply
evaluating the man

who might become
Lily's stepfather someday.

Cam, your --
your health is fine.

You don't know that.
Phil probably
thought the same thing

when he woke up this morning.
Things lurk.

so that's what this is?

You -- Seeing Phil
flipped you out,

but nothing
is lurking.

Maybe I'm being crazy.

How about
if I send him home...

and finish
this little massage myself?

Hey! Uh, everything okay
with the recycling bins?

Oh. Oh. The excuse.

Y-Y-Yes, and listen,
about earlier, um,

Mitchell has a little crush
on you and I was being weird,

but we're all good now,

No, it's actually
really nice to hear.

I just got dumped...
Aww. I'll take
any validation I can get.

Did he say what exactly
about me he liked?

I think
how not needy you are.

Anyway, listen, we've put you
through enough, you should go.

I'll finish the massage.

Oh, absolutely not.
Please, you've already paid.

Besides, when I leave,
I'm just gonna be alone

in that apartment with
the parrot that we adopted.

Where's Silvio?
Where's Silvio?

I don't know. He left!

Hey, I-I just
had an impulse.

Let's skip
the massage.

I'll grab some wine
and you can
meet me in the bedroom.

Go on.
Get in there.

Go away!

You don't even
know who it is.

It's Claire.
I need Surgery Bear.

Not a good time, Claire.
Oh, gotta have it,

You know
how in college,

everybody goes through
a rebellious phase --

You know how one time Alex
locked herself in the bathroom

and I kicked
the door down?

That's what all the fuss
is about? An earring?

Where's the bear?


I started with an earring.
No one even noticed.

So, you might need
to up your game, pal.

Try wearing a snake
around your neck

and then act annoyed when
people want to talk about it.


I went
a different way.


Oh! Okay.


Well, first of all,

We do have more fun.

I'm guessing
you like it,

but you're worried
what other people will think?

A passerby likened me
to a tennis ball.

And you can't...

hide in here
until it grows out.

I ran the numbers.

Even with
inside-out wearings,

I'd be out of underwear
in three weeks.


Um, let me tell you about
the happiest guy I know.

He stretched a tightrope
across his front yard.

Didn't worry
about the neighbors.

He pogo-sticked
to work, and...

The point is, he doesn't care
what anybody thinks,

and if he did,

he wouldn't have had
half the fun he's had.

Let me
ask you again.

How do you feel
about the hair?

Kinda like it.

How do you feel about the fact
that Jay's gonna hate it?

I love that.

Thanks, Claire.

Yeah, I'm gonna hold on
just a little longer.

I need it today.

Oh. Cabinet.

Come on.

I hate to interrupt,

but if you just scream
you'll call her back,

you might want to see
how Joe's party's going.

Joe shared the uplifting news

that his friends could die
at any minute.

Hey, so,
I love what I do,

but I feed off the energy
of my audience.

And if I'm not
getting a lot back,

it's harder for me to forget
I'm a 45-year-old

classically trained actor
in a body sock

and a cape that doubles
as a curtain in my van.

So, I'm gonna go.

Mama's here!

You told them
they were all going to die?

No, only Joe,
but in a very nice way.

Really? Because it looks like
the "before" picture

in an ad
for chewable Prozac.

Take us, too!

come here.

We need to talk again
about the thing.

I think I'm just gonna
go to bed.

Hold on.

It's true
we all die sometime.

But someone like you,
so young,

is gonna live a long,
long, long time.

and the thing is,

knowing we're gonna
die some day
can be a good thing.

Because it reminds us
to appreciate

every minute
that we're around.

It's hitting you hard,
isn't it?

It feels like I'm never
going to laugh again.

But that's natural.

This is a pretty adult thing
you're dealing with here.

In fact,
I'd be worried about you

if you weren't
walking underneath a cloud

for a few days.

And eventually --

You, me, bedroom.

I got the Syrah and I want
to do something Syr-wrong.

But what about
your massage?

I said
I didn't want it.

Come on.

Mitchell, I am so happy
we're doing this.

We haven't done
anything spontaneous
in forever.

I hope you like
what I picked out for us.

It is a little fruitier
than we're used to.

what a day, huh?

and health scares...

I love you,

and I don't want Caleb
to get between us.

Oh, so, where do you
want me, then?

Wha--? Oh, my God.
W-What are you doing here?

Me? I -- Cameron said
that you liked me,

and then you said
meet you in the bedroom.

You told Caleb
that I liked him?

You told him
to meet you in the bedroom?

I thought
I was talking to you.

Guys, it sounds like all three
of us could really use this.

Take it easy,

You'll have Mitchell to
yourself soon enough.

you're not dying!

We don't know
that I'm not!

I-I had a cousin
that died at my age

from a
genetic condition,

and it runs on
my mom's side of the family.

And if you have those
two genes,
you're at risk.

That's why I've been acting
crazy all day.

Well, then,
take a test

to make sure you don't have
that pair of mom genes.

I did take the test.

I took it
a week ago,

and I've been too scared
to look at the results.

Oh, honey,
I'm -- I'm so sorry

you've been going through
this by yourself.

Hey -- Hey, let's look at
the results together, okay?


here goes.

Oh, thank God.
You're okay?

my Etsy order shipped.

But, okay, here's the --
here it is.

You look.
I cannot look at it.
Okay, okay, okay.

It's --
It's negative.

You're fine. Look.

Is it?

Oh, my God!
I can't believe it!

Oh, now, that is
something to celebrate.

I love you.

I love you.

All right, guys,
I'm not -- I'm not dense here.

I-I know this is
my cue to leave.

But what
you guys have is...

it's very special.

You should cherish that.

Caleb --
I am so back in.

I was gonna say, if you
want to take the cookies
when you leave...

No offense,
but what do you see in him?

Oh, no.
I'm in heaven.

No. No, you're not.
Not yet. You made it.

And just so you know,
Surgery Bear was here

and scrubbed in
for the whole procedure.

That's pretty dangerous.

He's a women's studies

Besides, the only thing
I really needed
was my neck pillow.

I knew if you didn't have
something to keep you busy,

you'd worry all day.

Aww, honey.

You really do
know me.

I'm glad you
woke up when you did.

You almost slept through
the second Saturday
in January.

Why would you
put it like that?

Hear ye, hear ye!

I hereby declare the
opening of the first
annual Dunphy Games --

hospital edition.

Tests of strength...



...and cunning.



With the winner receiving
the coveted Dunphy chalice.

To our champion,


Extinguish the torch.

And that concludes
the first Dunphy Games.

Wi-Wi-Winter Dunphy Games.

We'll see you all again
July 9 for the Summer --

Take the win, Phil.

So we discovered
our dad made

a series of videos
through the years.

Every time
he was in danger,

he made a goodbye video
for us.

And it turns out
he's had the same haircut

for a really long time.

Hey, kids,
um, I've been trapped

in this porta-potty
for some time now,

and as you can see by the --

the curling edges
of my mustache,

the, uh,
the chemical fumes
are strong.

I didn't plan to be
on an airplane for Y2K,

but here I am.

A quick, loving goodbye
as I am surrounded
by a swarm of bears.

If anything happens to me
today, I have faith knowing

that the three of you
will always have each other.

My fingers are numb,
to the point at which

it's hard to even
keep a grip on the phone.


Oh, no! It's happening!
It's hap--

Oh, they're -- they're just
starting the movie.

It's -- It's "A Bug's Life."

They're goofy.

But it's sweet that he wanted
his last words on Earth

be something
for his family.


Also, we've reached a point
in world history

where it's become much
too easy to film yourself.


Wait, what?