Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 15 - Spanks for the Memories - full transcript

When Jay overhears Gloria talking about spanking, he thinks she's bored in the bedroom. After Mitchell gets a great new job, he and Cam throw a party to rub it in Cam's friends face.

What are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Wait. You eat
while I'm in bed?

Is there a meal
I don't know about?

A couple.

But you need to
hit the hay, buddy.

I need you sawin' logs
until 0700.

I don't know what
any of that means.

Gloria and I are going through
a romantic dry spell.

Luckily, she's out tonight
with her friend, Rebecca,

who is married to a jackass.

Gloria always comes home
ready to show
her appreciation.

Suddenly, me going to bed
with socks on

is not such a deal-breaker.

Aw, geez.

I'm home!
Hey, Jay.

How's Rebecca?

She's never
been better.

So, she left the husband,
like, a month ago,

and it's like a weight
has been
lifted off her shoulders.

Speaking of shoulders,

are you ready for
one of my famous massages?

No, I'm good.

It's her.


The waiter?

I knew he was
flirting with you!

Don't forget about
that clod she married!

You got one of
the good guys!

And he didn't have to
write down our order,

so you know that he won't
forget your birthday.


Joe leaves all his toys
on the floor.

I tell him to pick them up,
but he doesn't listen.

I'm telling you,
it's a disaster
in the bedroom.

I don't know
what to do.

It's like he can't remember
where things go.

Eventually, I get
so frustrated that
I take care of it myself.


Well, yeah, I guess
we could try that.

Actually, now that
you mention it,

Javier and I tried it
a long time ago.

It was a game-changer.

Ay. Rebecca
is doing so well.

Sounds like
she's having fun.

Navy used to
make us watch films
about girls like that.

Well, her husband never really
gave her what she needed.

Did she tell him?

No. But sometimes it's more
exciting to be with someone

that already knows
what you want
without you telling them.

Got it.

Ay! Hey!

Wh-What the hell
was that?!

You know what?

I think I forgot
to lock the front door.

There he is.
Oh, now, don't get mad.

I know I said I was only
getting tulips for the party,

but I splurged
and I got orchids.

Hey, I wanted the party
to be special, too.

And in my defense,
I didn't know

about the orchids.

I got a piano.

Really? Where?

I recently got
a pretty fancy job

working for billionaire
Michael Quinly.

It's kind of a big deal.
It is a big deal.

Now, admittedly,
throwing a party

to celebrate your own
reversal of fortune

could be seen as braggy.

Sort of a rags-to-bitches
story, if you will.

Then again,
for a while now,

when I've been telling my
friends that I was struggling,

they'd give me
"that look"--

the one that's
mostly sympathetic

with just a touch of
enjoying my pain.

So, today,
I get the other look--

the one that's mostly
"I'm so happy for you"

with just a hint of
"I am wracked with jealousy."

It'll be good to see
the old gang again.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you.

What's going on?
You, uh-- you texting a boy?

Just figuring out
my summer plans.

I remember the summer
of my junior year.

I followed N.W.A. on tour--
Nebraskans With Accordions.

This was before Polka Pete was
brutally murdered, of course.

Yeah, this is
a little different.

I'm actually up for
an internship

researching the minimal
supersymmetric standard model

at M.I.T.

Cool. Beantown.

I don't know why
I'm getting all girly
and excited about it.

It's not like I'm
gonna get it anyways.

What's with the quitter talk?
If you want my advice--

No, I don't,
but thanks.

What is all this junk?

Fruit Roll-Ups, chips,
chocolate milk? Ugh.

Th-There's nothing
in the fridge.

I'm packing you a lunch.

I've always heard
there comes a time in life

when the kid starts
parenting the parents.

I thought it would be
when I was in my 40s.

But I'm pretty mature
for my age,

and my dad claps
when he gets waffle fries.

What are you even
still doing home?

Don't you usually open
your magic shop by now?

Yeah. I'm just going in
a little late.

Doesn't sound good
for business.

And I saw you sneak those
carrots out of your lunch.

I'm trying to avoid one of
the other shop owners.

Kind of an intimidating

It started with a dispute
over a parking space

and escalated
from there.

Hey... we don't avoid bullies
in this family.

We stand up to them.

Off you go.

I don't think you realize what
kind of person I'm up against.

Yesterday, all my
dribble glasses

were replaced
with real ones.

It was humiliating.

So, Long', we have a lot
to catch up on.

What's up?
Not my weight.

The Tom Brady diet changed
the way I see the world.

Food, not food,
super-food, poison.

Oh, well, okay,
that covers you.

I was going to ask about you,

but you know I'm always
nervous about the answer.

Well, you know what?
Let's roll the dice.

So, it turns out that I--
Hey, Mitch.

Hi. Where's Cam? Hey.

Claire, what a surprise.

What are you
talking about?

You asked me to bring over
the piano music.

"Party-time Favorites"?

Oh, my gosh,
how apropos.

I'll just set these on our new

...that I know
how to play.

Great party, boys.

We need to talk about
the piano in the room.

Uh, well, yes, so, okay, okay.

So, Cam has always
wanted one,

and, frankly, it has been
out of our price range

until this week.

Fun story.
It turns out that I--

I'm being rude.

Sam Turnbull.

Claire Dunphy.

Hi. You are the editor
of L.A. Woman magazine,

I believe it's pronounced...
"La Woman."

It isn't.

It's funny because your office
called my business last week.

I'm on some short list

for the Women in Business

Closets, right?

I shattered
the glass ceiling--

and, ironically, we have
a new glass-ceiling closet.

You can see if it's raining
when you're getting dressed.

Gonna save
a lot of suede.

Well, it's, um, pretty
competitive this year.


Anyway, I'm meeting
someone on the
other side of the piano.

I should leave now.


I don't even care about
his stupid magazine,

but to be dismissed
like that?

Hey, everyone, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming.

We never get to
see each other anymore,

what with our busy lives.

And Jotham's ambient music

and, uh, Deepak's
guerrilla gardening

and, uh, well,
me and my big new job

working for
Michael Quinly.


The rich guy whose name
is on all those museums?

And hospitals, yeah.
So, to all of us!

Ah, congratulations.

That's-that's really great.
We're all--

We're all so happy
for you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Hey, hey.

You saw the look, right?

Pure love and support with
just a hint of rancid envy.

A word.

But I'm basking.
Um, Cam.

So, while you were talking,
I got online,

and... your new boss
was caught embezzling.

Your company
is crumbling.

No! No! This-this can't be
happening to me again.

You know what?
You'll find something else.

Oh, my-- Cam,
I literally just bragged

about a job
that doesn't exist.

Okay, okay.
They cannot know,

or else this will turn into
an actual pity party.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I-I got this.

Hi, everyone.

So, we are about to get
to know one another
on a deeper,

more personal level.

I think you all know
what the bowl is for.

Hey, no.
Not your keys, Jotham.

Your phones!

We are about to rediscover the
long-lost art of conversation.

What if
the sitter calls?

Your dog will be fine.
Phones, gentlemen, phones.

You're working
on a Saturday?

I've been dealing with
a little problem.

In moments like this,
there's only one place I turn.

Well, I am flattered,


Hey, but, you know,
since you're here...

Uh, it's a
difficult subject.

Gloria and I...


...having an issue
in the bedroom.


There's been a drop-off

of pace and intensity.

I get the impression
she's looking for,

maybe, a little more variety.

But you can't blame her.

I've been using the same moves
since the '70s.

I may as well be doing
"The Hustle" in there.

I'm just gonna
wet my whistle.

I heard her tell
her friend last night

about wanting
to be spanked.

And later, the opportunity
presented itself, and...

No, you didn't.
You didn't.

Three times.
Oh, God. Why three times, Dad?

I don't know. Maybe all those
years of ping-pong

in the warehouse.

I've got very agile wrists.

But I don't know how
I come back from this one.

Well, uh, Dad,
when you, um--

When you did what
you did to Gloria,

you made the sex
all about her body,

and a woman wants it
to be about the mind.

Oh, crap. I was afraid
it would be
about that sort of thing.

Look, she is an intelligent,
interesting woman.

And you just
need to remind her
that you notice that--

unlike, say, I don't know,
L.A. Woman magazine,

that only cares about
how a woman looks.

So, we're off
my thing, huh?

Hopefully forever, yes.

I ran into the editor
of that magazine

over at Cam and Mitch's today,
and you know what?

He looks me up and down.

Suddenly, I am off
their Women in Business list.

So, L.A. Woman is
its own magazine now?

I remember when it was
the back page of L.A. Man.

Well, I suppose I'm just not
as glamorous as Linda Vaughn,

the queen of
corrective shoes.

And this has nothing to do
with the fact
that you showed up

looking like someone
who just watered some horses?

Who cares?
What about merit?

I hear you.
But you got to play the game.

I didn't get
on the cover

of Closet Time's
September '78 issue

by wearing Jordache jeans
one size too big.

I'm not doing it.

They can keep
their beauty contest.

I don't care.

Before you say no,
take a look at this.

It's not making the case
you think it's making, Dad.

Oh, God.

Okay, that's all
the phones.

Look, nobody's gonna find out
about you losing your job

until after the party.

Okay, I'm-I'm gonna get that.

You call someone
about returning the piano

we can no longer afford.

Well, we couldn't
really afford it
with your new job, either.

Why haven't you been
texting me back?

Well, uh--

You're judging us, aren't you?

This is nothing compared to
the things that I have heard

that you two do--
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I-I never saw
your text, okay?

All of our phones
are in a bowl.

Oh, it's that kind
of party.

What do you think
that we do?

I have a problem.

Well, can it wait?
I have guests.

Your father spanked me.

Eh, it's a buffet.
They'll be fine.

Oh, my G...
Okay, talked to the piano

Okay, okay,
my dad spanked her.
You're all caught up.

What did you do?

I screamed,
he ran away.

And now I think
he's embarrassed.

Okay, okay.

For what it's worth,
sometimes people do
things to other people

that they want done
to themselves.


for years on end.


So, you think that
Jay wants me to spank him?

Well, if he's like
some of the successful,

powerful men
I've been with, yes.

Who are these men?
What are these things I don't

Well, I guess I could ask him
if that's what he wants.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do

He's probably already
feeling self-conscious.

Act casual,
like it never happened.

I can do that.

I haven't even
said anything

about this gigantic piano
you have here.

Okay. Well, if it doesn't
go back today, we own it,

so the moving company
is on the way.

Okay, well, I think our guests
are gonna notice that,

maybe ask a question
or two.

I've got this.

Hey, guys.
Hi, guys.

Mitchell and I...
Maybe just Cam. Not sure yet.

...are about to remodel our
and we were wondering,

does anyone here have
strong opinions

about interior design?
I do.

Oh, me. Oh, me.

Can you guys, uh,
follow me right this way?

All right, everybody in.
Yep, there's plenty of room.

And I'll-I'll just
close the door,

give you guys some privacy
so you can speak freely.

There you go.

All right.
And, oh, look at that.

The... doorknob came off.

Sit tight.
I got to fix this.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, sweetie.
What are you doing here?

Did you really think
I wouldn't notice these?

Also, I got
that internship.

I just need your signature
on my insurance form.

I told you
to stay positive.

How much fun
is this gonna be?

It's really not
about fun.

It's gonna be
a lot of hard work.

The pressure's
off the charts.

Well, that would explain
the mental health waiver.

The last undergrad
they let into the program
completely snapped.

They found her
wandering the Freedom Trail

wearing nothing
but her safety goggles.

Dunphy, you're in
my spot again.

That's her.
She's your bully?

You realize she's not even
that big, right?

It's mostly just hair.
Shh, shh.

Who's the jock?

Oh, Stephanie,
this is my daughter Alex.

Uh, Alex,
this is Stephanie.

She owns the board game shop
next door.

Yeah. I sell
Magic: The Gathering,

and he sells magic,
and no one is gathering.

Come on.

Dad, remember
what we talked about.

Oh, yeah.
Technically... nine is
a shared parking space.

Ooh, look whose
disappearing balls came back.

What do you say we settle this
once and for all

with the newly released
collector's edition

of Wizards and Warlocks?

Set her up.

I'm done being
pushed around by you.

Winner gets the spot.
It's a role-playing game.

I'm Zorel,
a 19th-level wizard

with 30 gold ingots and
a cow who used to be my son.

I'm familiar with the game.
I go to Caltech.

The guy who invented it
gave our commencement speech
last year.

Okay, Dunphy.

When we left off, you had just
sold your long sword

for some beans.
Which could've been magic.

There was no indication
of that.

Dad, where's all
your gold?

I found that Zorel
doesn't like to
be weighed down

by too many
worldly possessions.

But the key is to pillage
early and trade
your gold for weapons

before the Van Wickle
gates open
and the ogres are released.

Curse card.
Your hands are now hooves.

Your roll.

Uh, but first, a proposal--

my shield
for your feathered cap.

I can't watch this.
Give me those.


Hmm. Hmm.

Ah, I see where
you're going with this--

calling for a peace conference
with the council of elders.

No. I'm putting the council
of elders on our ships

and burning them.

I'm here, casually reading
a magazine, Jay.

There's my brainiac.

You didn't even
have to turn around.

You knew it was me.

Oh, well,
Manny's at school,

and Joe doesn't have a key,

What are you
tearing through?

Nothing. Just, like,
a fashion magazine.

In English,
your second language.

With all that information
in your head,

we should be calling you
Encyclopedia Brown--

which sounds like a slur
but isn't.

Hey, I'll bet you can help me
with something

I've been struggling with.
I doubt it.

Come on, give me a thrill.
Take a whack at it.

What exactly do you
want me to do?

I'm sure you can
figure out this clue.

Come on, one across.
Help me get started.

Ow! What the hell?!

What the hell?!

I'll clean my room,
I promise!

Damn it.

You made it to
the Summit of Exmore.

It exists?

Whoa. I need to get
these forms in by 5:00

if I'm gonna
take this internship,

which I obviously am because
I've been working for this

my entire life.

Dad, take over.
You're basically
in an unlosable position.

You appear to be
at a crossroads--

battle the guards
at the summit gate

or take a portal
to lands unknown.

This would be so much easier
if it was lands known.

You're not actually struggling
with this, are you?

But what if the portal leads
to someplace really cool?

You win by getting
to the summit.

There's a 62% chance
that portal leads right back
to the meadow.

That's math.

You're in a house
of... magic.

And you're back
in the meadow.

What were you thinking?

It's fine.
You know, legend has it,

there's a shortcut under
one of the toadstools there.

You don't win
by taking shortcuts!

You win by taking the lead--
which is what I did for you

by methodically
clawing up the mountain,

ruthlessly defeating
your enemies,

and then emerging

not dithering around
in some meadow!

I'm gonna step out
for a vape break

while you two
sort this out.

You know why
I like the meadow?

'Cause it lets me think about
what I want to do next.

Should I battle the ogre

or brave
the Swamps of Despair?

Should I take
the super stressful
internship in Boston,

or am I doing that
just because
I think I'm supposed to?

I beat out
hundreds of candidates.

I would be working with the
preeminent scholar
in the field.

This is the chance
of a lifetime.

Yeah, but it's
your lifetime.

It's okay to enjoy it.

No one turns this down.

Well, you always liked being
the first one to do something.

Give yourself
the summer you want.

You've collected
enough gold ingots

to buy yourself
some time off.

It won't make me lazy,
will it?

you walked at six months,

spoke at a year,

and your first words were
"Sorry it took me
so long to walk."

Okay, the piano's gone.

Oh, by the way,
that sound you heard

was the bottom of the truck
scraping against the street,

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know, Cam.
Is this really gonna sell it?

Yes, it is.

I've learned in my 36 years
that, if you believe a lie,

others will, too.

release the guests.


Okay, all fixed.

Figures. Just as your Xanax
is kicking in.

Hey, guys, so, listen.

We've kept you cooped up
on this beautiful day.

Why don't we turn this party
into a garden party?

Why is your piano
covered with a sheet?

Oh, um, well,
because they recommend it.

They say even five minutes of
direct sunlight on a new piano

like this, your keyboard
turns into something like

an English person's
teeth, so...


Okay, well, so
why doesn't everyone just...

...grab some
appetizers and any

wine that's already opened...

Already opened wine.
Yeah. Perfect.

Hello, boys.

What are you
doing here?

Didn't you get my text?

No, all of our phones
are in a bowl.

It's not dirty...

unlike that dress.

Hi, Sam.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you're that desperate
to get into the magazine?

No. I am going to expose him
for the fraud that he is.

He claims that his precious
little list is merit-based.

When I was wearing sweatpants,
he wasn't interested.

Now that I've gussied up
a little...

He's gonna put you
on the cover.

Do you think? Shut up.

Hey, Cam, there was an article
in an old Details magazine

I was reading
in your bathroom

about the need
to support your friends.

We do want to
hear you play.

No, you know what?
Let's not. Let's not.

I just don't even feel like
I'm in the mood anymore.

You're a bigger liar
than your scale.

Come on.
One song.

No one gets to leave this room
until you do.

Okay, well...

I must say,
you do look beautiful.

You remind me of
my first beard.

Thank you.

I'm a lady in the streets and
a freak in the spreadsheets.

It's not a bad caption,
if you're still interested

in using me
in your magazine.

Sounds a little... thin.

Oh, well,
all the best ones do.

You're probably used to
a cheaper, fuller-sounding,

uncovered piano.

♪ Another bride,
another groom ♪

Oh, from
Fabulous Baker Boys.

♪ Another sunny
honeymoon ♪

What a sexy movie.

♪ Another season ♪

When Michelle Pfeiffer

♪ Another reason ♪

...leapt into
our hearts.

where's the piano?

I'm-I'm fine,
by the way.

So, we did get rid
of the piano.

Um, we-we can't
afford it anymore.

That great job that I had?
Uh, I lost it.


I couldn't have been
more wrong
about our friends.

I mean, yes, yes,
they can be snarky at times,

but when I really
needed their support,

they were completely
there for me.

You know, you should take
a look at your life

and see what happened
to make you so untrusting.

I should.

And to think we-we locked them
in that bathroom

for no reason.

That couldn't have
been fun.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, the same thing happened
to me once, remember?

When that-- the handle
accidentally fell off.

The-the-the night
of our first fight.

Yeah, vaguely.

That was
an accident, right?

- Cam.
- Did you fix the doorknob yet?

Just another minute,


I talked to Joe

about what he saw,

and he's not scared

Great. Can you do
the same for me?

I'm sorry I did
that to you,

but I really thought that
that's what you wanted

because that's what
you did to me.

But I heard you tell Rebecca
you thought

that spanking would help.

With Joe and his room.

So... it was
a misunderstanding.


So, there's nothing missing
from our love life.


Yeah, but, you know,
that nothing is missing

doesn't mean that we cannot
add a little something to it.

I guess, being honest,

I've got a... few requests
for the band.

Like what?

No, I feel weird
talking about it.

Why don't we write
some of this stuff down,

toss it in a hat,
and see what we pull out?


You fired that right off.

That one sounds fun.

No peeking.

Ay, I said I was gonna do that


Let's take it upstairs.

What's this?
Oh, you know what?

I think that is the hat that
Manny uses to play charades.

That's a relief,
because I don't
think I'm flexible enough

for a
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."

You ready for round two?
Of course, I am.

What are you doing
down there?

It says,
"My Left Foot."

You got another movie.

God, that was amazing.
What do you call that?

That's a
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

You sure about this?

Honey, don't give me a chance
to change my mind.

I am Zorel,

fifth-level wizard,
master of the meadow.

You can keep the beard,
but no talking.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH