Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 11 - He Said, She Shed - full transcript

Jay teaches Joe how to play golf but he and Gloria both push him into becoming too competitive. Mitch and Cam host a party for Lily and her friends. Claire thinks that the Homeowners ...


Okay, Joey,
you take this club,
and you hit that ball.

Any questions?
Why does this say "Manny"?

Don't worry about it.
They were only used once.

It was a swing and a miss
for both of us.

I needed to find
a way to spend
more quality time with Joe.

I couldn't take
another Saturday
of hide-and-seek.

At this point,
I've spent more time

in the closet than Mitchell.

Golf is
a very complicated sport.

I don't want you to get
frustrated if you don't...

Holy cow!

Do you think
you can do that again?

Yeah. It's easy.

Okay, Mr. Cocky.

You know, there is a thing
called beginner's...

What the hell?

Hey, Brady.

Hey, Jay, what's up?
Oh, is this your grandson?

I can't do this again.
This is my son.

Just take a look at his swing
and tell me what you think.

Wow.
Your mom must be some athlete.

Just so you know,
I'm not a guy who's charmed

when the help
gets familiar.

How's everybody
this fine morning?

Welp, I'm on my third day
of my New Year's Resolution

to not say things
nobody cares about.

Damn it.

Oh, yay,
Homeowners Association.

I need their approval to put
a She Shed in the backyard

where the teeter-totter
used to be.

I don't understand.

She said,
"She Shed down by the seesaw."

How are you not famous?

Yes, bravo,
but what's a She Shed?

Well, it's just
a simple little structure

where I can go to be alone

and do yoga or meditate

and nobody can bother me.

Oh, so a glass of wine
and a cigarette in the tub

isn't cutting it anymore?

I don't smoke, honey. I have
a tobacco-scented candle.

They don't make
tobacco-scented...

This is more of that stuff
no one cares about.

Congratulations, honey.

Don't pretend
you're happy for me.

Luke and I wanted
to use that space
to put in a batting cage.

Claire wanted her She Shed.

We were in a stalemate,
so we settled
the dispute like adults.

Come on, Dad.
Batting cage.

I really need to blink,
buddy.

You can blink
when you're dead.

Ah, yes! Yes!

All those Magic Eye posters
paid off. Ah!

I'm gonna get myself one of
those fuzzy little rugs.

They turned me down.
What?

Why on Earth
would they do th...

I-I'm gonna find out how
to get in touch with somebody

from down at
that Homeowners Association

and find out
what the hell is going on.

Claire,
I know you're upset,

but I don't think
you should do that.

Well, look at that.

They have a meeting
this afternoon.

I'll just go down there
in person.

Honey, I get a lot
of my referrals from the HOA.

We can't afford
to alienate them.

They are the ones
who are alienating people.

They all live
on that stupid cul-de-sac.

They only do things
for each other.

Probably swing if they weren't
so aggressively unattractive.

You know, I find the term
"She Shed" offensive.

Shouldn't ours
just be called a shed
and theirs a "He Shed"?

Why do you bother
making resolutions?

This is so frustrating.

If it's any comfort,

you're not the only one
to be stung by these people.

Their ridiculous
parking regulation

made me give up my dream

of owning
the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Dah! Fine.
I will move on.

So does this mean
we can get our batting cage?

Luke, too soon.

I'm really proud of you, Mom.
Letting go shows real growth.

I'm going to that Homeowners
Association meeting,

and I'm getting
my She Shed.

But you just told Dad...

I let him do magic.

He lets me break promises.

We both know what we married.

You were at the course
again?

That's every morning
this week.

That's how you make
a champion.

You should see Joe play.

It's like watching
Merv Griffin interview.

There's a certain finesse
to it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What are you training for?

Nothing.

Yeah, then go have
a pudding cup.

These high-performance protein
bars are for elite athletes.

Go ahead, Joey.
Fuel up.

You have a trophy
to bring back today.

What are you
talking about?

There's a kiddie tournament
up at the club,

and I signed Joe up
for it.

Jay, you're pushing him
too hard.

What are you talking about?
Kid loves it.

He'll tell you himself

after he ices his shoulder.

Ooh, that's the stuff.

You know, Gloria,
with the right training,

this kid could go
all the way.

Me managing his golf career
can be my second act.

You're 70.

Your second act
was two acts ago.

Stop living through him.
It's too much pressure.

Why are you making
such a big deal about it?

It's a--
It's a kiddie golf tournament.

It's like a-a playdate
I don't hate being at.

It's a bad idea.

What if Joe
wants to do something

that is less competitive,

like reading or papier-mache?

Let's not break out
the Manny playbook just yet.

Playbill would've been
more cutting.

Why am I helping you?

I know you think
you have the monopoly

on deciding
what's best for Joe,

but I have
parenting instincts, too.

I deferred to Dede
every single
time on Mitch and Claire,

and this time
I'm going with my gut.

Mitch and Claire turned out
to be wonderful people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not knocking them.

I love all my children
equally.

Bup, bup, bup, bup!
That's winner water.

Whoa, whoa.
What's going on, Cam?

I was gone
for 45 minutes,

and now our living room's
a beauty salon?

What, do you have a pit crew
or something?

Ooh, look at you using
"pit crew" in
a sentence like a boy.

Is this all for Lily's party?
You...

I thought we were just gonna
do pizza and a movie.

There are 12-year-old girls
coming over here.

Do you remember
how mean and judgmental

Haley was at that age?

Yeah, I faked being sick
that Thanksgiving.

I was too scared to eat corn
in front of her.

Of course you were.

The only word she said to me
that entire year was "ew."

Anyway, Lily wants to impress
these older girls,

so I set up a full-service
salon to do makeovers.

And you're qualified
to do that because...?

Okay, my uncle
was in the business

of making mules appear younger
for sale,

so I think I know a thing or
two about hair and make-up.

Hi, hi. I brought y'all some
stuff

for Lily's party.
Oh, my God.

Thought you might not want
to get into your own stash.

I know how pricy
your lady creams are.

Okay, she's lashing out
because I inherited
Mama's skin.

And I got Daddy's
strong flickin' finger.

Don't do it! Don't!
Cam, you said

that you were gonna keep
this small.

See, now I feel like
you didn't tell me about this

so that you could
set it all up
before I could say no.

That is just not true.

Not everyone is as calculating
as you think.

But, hey, I know where
this is coming from,

and it's not your fault.

Seriously?
This again?

This sounds private.

If you want me to leave,
forget it.

Okay, a-any time
we have an argument,

Cam blames it on
how I was brought up.

My therapist says

that it's his way
of deflecting responsibility.

You go to therapy?
Mm-hmm.

You mean like one of those
Woody Allen movies?

Plenty of people
go to therapy.

Not farm folk.

We solve our own problems,
not that we had many.

That's right, because
you had a storybook childhood.

I never said "storybook,"
although one time

I did come home to a family
of bears eating our porridge.

Don't make us
sound like hicks.

It was Tuna Helper.

But we did have our share
of problems.

Ah!
Problems? What problems?

Uh, Mama and Daddy?

It's not like they had
the perfect marriage.

Thank you. Thank you.

I knew there was stuff.
Everybody has stuff.

No, there is no stuff.

She's just making this up
to get under my radiant skin.

If you don't know
what I'm talking about,

I'm not gonna tell you
right before you host
a big ol' party.

Oh, no, no. We've got time.
Come on, come on.
Let's hear it.

You don't remember
that time

Daddy didn't live with us
for a year

'cause he was shacked up
with that diner waitress

Jannie Sue Butler?
Oh. Please.

The only time Daddy ever left
was to go to war.

It was 1977.
What war, Cam?

The V...
Hmm?

He left us 'cause
he turned 40,
he got his first liver spot,

and that bimbo reminded him
of the Bionic Woman--

mostly on account
of her fake arm.

Oh, did you really
not know this?

What?

I did not realize how big
that was gonna be.

Cam, hey.
Y-You're okay, right?

Cam, I-I-I can't face
these 12-year-olds by myself.

12-year-olds?
I got to change my shirt.

They're already angry.

Um, okay. Uh...

What are you guys doing?

Putting up our batting cage.
Oh, careful.

It's really easy
to get caught in the net.

Well,
you may want to take a beat.

Mom went down
to the HOA meeting
to fight for her shed.

Uh-oh.
I only hope

she keeps her cool
and accepts their decision.

Yeah, based on
her long history
of letting things go.

Dad, we have a problem.

Maybe not, buddy.
The HOA never reverses itself.

If they did, we'd be
having this conversation

in the front seat
of a giant hot dog.

I am the HOA.
What?

I intercepted
Mom's application

and forged a rejection letter
from the board.

Why?!
Because you told me to.

When did I tell you
to do that?!

Ah, yes! Yes!

All those Magic Eye posters
paid off! Ah!

This sucks.

Who knows?

Maybe the HOA board
will reject her application.

Things have a way
of working themselves out.

Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

I think so.

You gave me the signal.
What signal?!

That wink when
you want me to secretly
take care of something.

Of course I was winking.
I was just
in a staring contest.

Wait. Did you say
you've done this before?

Do you think Alex's cello
set itself on fire?

Oh, my God.

I got to get down to that
meeting before your mother...

Untangle me quickly!

Wait.
Was that a wink?

Do you not want me
to untangle you?

D-Do you want me
to untangle you slowly?

There's no signal!

Refreshing cucumber water?
No?

Refreshing
cucumber water? No?

Are you thirs...
Hey, you're doing great.

Just don't get nervous
and turn all red.

Do I do that?
Am I doing that right now?

Do people notice?

Okay, you're not 12.
It's okay.

It got better.
It got better.

Hey, Cam. H-How you feeling?
Hi.

If you need
some time to process
that stuff about your dad,

y-you sh...
Oh, no. I'm fine.

Unlike the chlorine
in Melanie's hair

that won't do
any permanent damage.

Hey!
I'm working here, sweetie.

Hi, girls.
I'm Lily's cool Aunt Pam.

I brought lighters
for everyone.

Please be nice.

All right. We are done.
What do you think?

I wanted to look
like Selena Gomez.

Oh, well, I wanted a daddy
that would respect
his wedding vows,

but we can't all get
what we want.

Dream smaller.
There you go.

Okay, okay.
See, it's stuff like that

that makes me think
that you're not okay.

Mitchell, it's just a joke.
It's barbershop sass.

They love it
when I go there.

All right, Violet,
get your fancy can
in the chair.

You're up.

Hi.
So, what are we doing today?

I was thinking
of an updo.

I like a high pony
for you.

There we go.
Ow.

Oh, so, Vi, I've seen your mom
at Parent Night.

You know what?
I've never seen your dad.

He works late a lot.

Well, I hope that's true,
sweetie.

Why wouldn't it be?

I don't know.
Sometimes fathers lie.

It's better for you
to find out now

than when you're
a 40-year-old man.

40? Okay,
speaking of fathers lying.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Cam, move away, move away.
Hmm?

Cam, Cam, clearly you're not
okay.
Okay, you know what?

I thought-- I thought
I could tamp it down,
put it in a room,

seal it shut just like we did
Grandpa when he got rabid.

Okay, listen, I-I may have
checked with my therapist

on the off chance
that you would
want to talk to someone.

No, sir.

If I open that door, there's
no telling what we'll find.

You know what?
I-- You know
I cry inexplicably

when I hear
"Smooth Operator."

I don't want to know
what that's about.

Hey, hey, just--
just give it a shot.

Yeah, she's the best,
and if--

if it makes you uncomfortable,
we can leave, all right?

She-she has an opening
this afternoon.

What if the party's
still going on?

Your sister's here.
They'll be fine.

Okay, truth.

How old were you
when you first kissed a boy?

Hmm... a boy person?

I love that you're here,

but don't you guys have
a laundry room at the school?

It's really humid
down there,

and my hair is
challenging enough as it is.

I thought you'd be going
to Joe's tournament.

No, he doesn't need me
over there.

I would be adding
more pressure.

Well, you always kept
a low profile

at my ribbon-dancing
competitions.

I couldn't even find you
in the stands.

Ah, yeah, with the ribbon
and the swooshing.

But Joe worries me because
stress can destroy a child.

Take it from
Cartagena's junior
regional backstroke champion.

You used to swim?

Like a cigarette boat
fleeing to
international waters.

But all that stress
brought the darkness in me.

I started pulling out my hair,
and... there was an incident.

What kind of incident?

I'm ashamed to admit it,

but when I lost
one of the big races,

I might have hit
one of the other swimmers

in the leg
with a skimmer pole.

You Tonya Harding-ed
another girl?

No, in Colombia, they call it
the Gloria Ramirez-ing.

Mom, just because you freaked
out doesn't mean Joe will.

At the end of the day,

he's only going to remember
that you weren't there.

I don't know.

I think it would mean
a lot to him.

I know it meant
a lot to me

when you cheered
on me and my ribbon-dancing
partner, Josh.

Uh, yeah,
'cause you guys were so great.

I danced alone.

Next order of business,

uh, Lisa would like to put in
a little moat in her yard.

Aw,
and with a drawbridge

from the sidewalk
to the front door.

I've always dreamed
of being a princess.

All in favor?

Aye!
Eyesore.

Claire,
did you say something?

I'm sorry.

You're just gonna
rubber-stamp
Princess Lisa here,

and I can't have a She Shed
in my backyard?

Could you please
wait your turn?

W-We haven't moved on
to new business yet.

Fine. Motion to discuss
new business?

Seconded. Recognizing
Claire Dunphy. Thank you.

I'm not leaving here
until I have my permit.

What are you
talking about?

I submitted a request
to build a simple structure

you can't even see
from the street.

Speaking of which,
why is nobody
sounding the alarm

over Gary's
avant-garde mailbox?

It's a penis, Gary.
Honey.

What? What? Oh!
What are you doing here?

I was gonna ask you
the same thing.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Keep up the great work.

It couldn't have been easy

keeping that sewer gator
under wraps.

What alligator?

No, that.

See that?
That's not fair.

Just because I'm not part of
your little cul-de-sac cult--

your little cult-de-sac...
Oh, that was a good one.

I think you made your point.
Why don't we get going?

Claire, this is the first
we're hearing
about your She Shed.

Oh. Then I've got something
for you right here.

She's got a gun!

It's a letter, Lisa--

a rejection letter
on HOA stationery.

Stationery?
Mm-hmm!

In the interest
of saving trees,

we do all our correspondence
via e-mail.

Come on, Claire,
we don't need to sit here

and listen to these pillars
of the community.

Then who sent me
this letter?

Who knew
I even wanted a She Shed?

Who even... cared?

Okay.

It's a straight shot, pal.

You got this.
How are you feeling?

I'm nervous.

My son was being tested
as an athlete,

but I was being tested
as a father.

What I said then would help
shape the man Joe
would become.

Nerves are for losers.

What you're feeling
is excitement,

because for the first time
in your life,

you're doing something
that actually matters.

These other kids--
they want you to choke

because you're king
of the mountain,

and they're climbing
to reach you.

You've got to be ready
to step on their fingers.

That sounds mean.

They would do
the same thing to you.

Now, get out there
and take what is ours.

And have fun.

Huh.
That's new.

She's right behind me.
She knows about the letter.

What are we gonna do?
We have to think of an excuse.

We don't have time!

Huh.
Guess she hit a light.

All right. Well,
let's think this through.

Oh.

Really, Phil?!
You just turned and ran?

Sweetheart, I...

I...

Don't you run again.

Okay.

I have one question.
Why?

It's complicated.

How is it complicated?

You printed fake stationery
and forged a letter

so you could have
a stupid batting cage.

It's not his fault.
Luke...

I'm gonna tell her.

He got scared.
What?

He thought you would
like being out there alone
in your shed

so much you'd stop wanting
to spend time with him.

Come on.

He was worried
maybe you'd start
sleeping out there.

Pretty soon it's where you
and your friends go to drink

and complain
about your husbands.

Oh, I don't need a shed
for that.

We-we do it on group text.
Huh?

Honey, I didn't know
that's how you felt.

Why didn't you
say something?

I guess I'm not comfortable
being vulnerable

Oh.
except-except with Luke.

The whole reason
I wanted to get that shed

was to give myself
a place to calm down

and spare you
some of my insanity.

If anything, I-I thought
it would help
our relationship.

Sweetheart.

He accepts your apology.

I got it from here, buddy.
Mm.

We got our batting cage...
sort of.

Ugh!

Hey, Mom, think we can get
in there any time soon?

Not after
the day I've had!

Come on, buddy.
Let's try again tomorrow.

Come on.

Yeah!

Here you go.

What is this?!
I need a putter!

Take it easy.
You're only down
by one stroke.

Don't remind me!

He's fine, everybody.
He's fine.

Good luck, Joe.

Gloria? I-I guess
you're here to pull Joey
out of the tournament.

No, no.
I came to cheer him on.

No, but I thought about
what you were saying,

and even though
you weren't right,

I'm gonna let you
have this one.

You can do this, baby.

I'm trying
to concentrate!

What is that all about?

I don't know, Gloria.
You seem to make him tense.

Uh, so there's
this other thing.
I knew it!

You were in my eyeline!

No. Wait. Joe, come here!

I'm going to step on your
fingers!
Joe, come back here!

I'm the king of the mountain!
Give me the club!

Give me the club.

Give me the club!

Why?!

Not again.

You're gonna love hockey.

Okay.
You know what?

If people back home knew
I was in a therapist's office,

it would be all over the
"Rumors and Ramblins" section

of the Grasshopper Gazette.

"Liberal Left Coast
Breaks Local Hero."

What are you typing?

Exactly what
you just said,

but don't worry, it's for
my therapy, not yours.

You know what?
This is your therapy,

and I don't want
to be here.

Cam, come on.
You need this.

Just give it a shot.
Come on!

Hello, Mitchell.

Hi, Dr. Green.

Thank you so much
for making the time to see us.

Okay, what's that voice?
Hmm?

Are you tamping
down your crazy

to impress your therapist like
you do
No. No.

when you clean up
before the housekeeper comes?

I appreciate
what you're saying,

I hear you, and I'm gonna
give it some thought.

The hell?
Can we move into this place?

You must be Cameron.
Yes.

So nice to meet you.
I've heard
so much about you...

Da-ba-mnh-mnh.
Unh-unh.

Mitchell, how do you feel

about how you're behaving
right now?

I don't love it.
Can I-- Can I restart?

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

A-All right.
Um, you know what?

This-this--
I don't want to be here.

This just isn't me.

The art on the wall
is weird.

The candy bowl
feels like a test, uh...

You know what?
I'm gonna have, uh, just one.

Nope.
I'm gonna have all of them.

Nope. I'm just gonna leave.

Cam, the first step is the
hardest, but it's worth it.

It takes time to work through
family issues.

Yeah, she's right. Some people
spend their whole lives

trying to resolve
these things.

What would I--
What would I even say to her?

That my dad left for a year
with the town floozy

and I thought he was off
being a war hero

and that I'm an idiot

and-and that I'm never
gonna forgive him?

I don't care that he came--
came back to us.

He lied to me, and he let me
grow up thinking my mama

was the most important thing
to him in the world.

He's a phony.

You know, maybe,
you know, he did do the best

he-he knew how,
you know?

He always did
make me feel safe
and-and happy.

Maybe he was
just trying to protect me,

because he did love me
with all of his heart,

and, actually,
I feel like I know him,

like, even better now
and love him even more.

I am the person I am

because of
all my experiences.

And I like me.

And I have a daddy
to thank for that.

Whew. Ooh!

Hey! That felt great.

Oh, my gosh.
I feel healed.

Yeah, well, it's a good start,
but therapy really is a...

No, no, no, no, no, no.
That was extraordinary.

I have never seen
anything like that.

He doesn't need me.

Here.

Have a hard candy
and a good life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
He's done? No, no.

Okay, I have-- I have been
coming here for ten years,

and I am just barely
scratching the surface.

You call him extraordinary.

Meanwhile,
I've been pouring out
my soul to you every week,

and I get-- boop-- nothing.

Mitchell, I did clear out
the full hour.

If you'd like to...

That would be great,
Doctor. Thank you so much.

I would love that.
Mm-hmm.

Cam, I will see you at home.
Okay, okay.

You chose the right one.
I'm waiting!

You sure do know
how to hide, buddy.

I'm looking everywhere.

Nope.
Not under the pool table.

Where, oh where, could you be?

Manny,
I am very busy.

Can't this wait?
I've waited ten years.

This is happening. Sit.
Hey, I'm watching something.

Yes, you are!

Presenting
"Rhapsody in Ribbon."

You're it. I'm hiding.

One, two, three,

four, five, six...

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH