Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 10 - No Small Feet - full transcript

When Claire lands a big opportunity for Pritchett's Closets, Jay expects a little validation for his contribution and takes over her celebration when he doesn't get one. Pam's charming but ...


Explain yourself.

I'm taking photos of your feet
for perverts.

Ew!
Hear me out.

Remember when you
couldn't return those
sneakers you bought

and asked me
to sell them online?

Right after
I listed them...

...I got a message asking

if they'd been worn
and sweat in.

Before I could lie
and say no...

...I got
another message.

"Can I see your feet?"

Apparently, there are
a ton of these feet freaks

on the Internet.

Oh, my God,
did you write this?

"My little piggies
got so sweaty."

Sexy, right?
No.

No, it's gross!

That pair of sneakers
went for over $200.

I have more in my closet.

That was three weeks ago,

and we have made
a ton of money since.

All I have to do is wear
a different shoe every day.

Hitting all of
the right notes...

Ship it.

Les finalistes

pour L'Expo Internationale
du Closet sont...

Kabinett Konig, Berlin.

Pritchett's Closets --

Hah! Yes!

Aah!
Yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

You guys are so gross!

For the first time
in company history,

we are going to

the Expo Internationale
du Closet!

...Berlin.

Pritchett's Closets.

Son of a bitch,
we did it!

We did it!

Manny, I appreciate

you coming from college
for this moment.

Yeah...something like this
only happens

once in a wee-- year --
lifetime?

If that!

I'm accustomed
to certain creature comforts

that are hard to come by
at school,

so I've been stopping home
to...borrow things.

You know,
I may have to go shopping.

I'm kind of between tuxedos,
size-wise, right now.

Oh, so this is a...
big deal?
It is.

But, uh, don't feel you have
to live up to this.

because that kind of pressure
can kill a kid.

That's probably
Claire calling me.

These will be rolling in
all day, you know.

Hello?

Who still uses
fax machines?

You know what?

People are gonna
want to see me
at the office.

I'll just play nine holes
and head in early, huh?

See you, kid!
See you.

My new real-estate company

is this close
to its first sale.

A sale we really need!

Not just to prove
my old partners wrong,

but also to pay the bills.

Unfortunately, my client has
developed a case of cold feet.

Phil, this house
is everything I have wanted.

Great! Should we
write up an offer?

But I am feeling
a hostile energy.

I can assure you --
this house is filled

with nothing
but happy memories.

If these walls
could talk --
They can.

And they are.

Personally,
I don't believe in

any of that
evil-spirit mumbo jumbo.

As a magician, I've learned
that every spooky happening

has a perfectly reasonable
explanation.

Even the eeriest of illusions,
Satan's Elevator,

is really just
two mirrors and a tiny...

Nice try.

When Phil told me
about this house,

I offered to help.

Now that
Manny's away at college

and Joe
goes to kindergarten,

I have time for
one of my old hobbies --

confronting the devil
in all his forms.

I have everything I need --

sage, a spoon from
the Vatican cafeteria,

my maracas --

Oh, here she is!
Mrs. Graham, looking well!

How are those peptides
doing?

Ooh, terrific!
My shaman realigned them.

And I got
the last everything bagel,

so I guess we both got off
to a great start today.

What say we buy a house?

Oh, this is Gloria.

She'll be addressing
your concerns.

Nice to meet you.

I instantly trust you.

Why is that?

Oh, I got it.

We were once cats
together.

I joke!
I'm not that crazy.

Now, tell me
about the ghost.

Well,
in these suburban cases,

it's usually
a low-level haunting,

like
a dead unpaid gardener,

a dead jealous boyfriend,

a dead dog who left
something unfetched.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, she's just taken with

the natural light
and the flow

at this price.

It -- It still gets me
every time.

Hey!

You did it,
you bastard!

Be the change

you want
to see in the world --

I got here
as soon as I could!
Shh!

In some ways,
the words of Gandhi

are truer today
than ever before.

The world is taking notice
of the Aurora walk-in,

which is blurring the line
between storage and sanctuary.

I want to take a moment
to celebrate our rock,

our foundation,

someone to whom
we owe a very special debt...

Josie.

Rock? Foundation?

Josie?

Who is that?!

And to thank you all

for your amazing
accomplishments,

I have got an ice-cream cart
coming in this afternoon!

That's right.

I.T. guy,
I need your help.

Cigar ash
in your keyboard again?
Something bigger.

But, yeah,
bring that little vacuum.

My sister Pam
came to stay with us

for a couple weeks.
A year ago.

In the unit upstairs --

which we used to rent
for money,

which we need

to pay for everybody
in the unit downstairs.

We had no choice.

She was pregnant.

The father, Bo,
was in jail,

and she happens to be
my best friend.

Yeah, yeah, like Tom and Jerry
ae best friends.

Pam, did you remember
the oranges?

Say "oranges"
one more time.

Oranges.

Say it one more time!

And then
she left the door open,

and poor Larry got out

and got in a fight
with a possum.
Ohh.

Now we have to give him
antibiotics every day at noon,

which he hates.

On the positive side,

we've both been
coming home at lunch

because
it's a two-man job,

as is what
we've also been enjoying

on our little
lunch break...

You look really cute
in that suit.

You look really cute
in those gym shorts.

Only eight more days
of cat antibiotics.

Say "antibiotics"
one more time.

Antibiotics.

Okay, sweetie,

but Pam's Mommy and Me class
is only an hour,

so, you know, hurry.

Oh, a surprise, huh?

Okay.
Okay, well I can't wait.

Yeah?

Afternoon.

Oh, my God,
are you the surprise?

Um, I was thinking candles,
or flowers on the bed --

My name is Bo Johnson,

and I am here
to meet my baby boy

and win back
the love of my life,

Miss Pam Tucker.

Oh, my -- You're --
You're B-- You are Bo.

Um, okay, well,
Pam is not here.

Uh, I'm Mitchell,
Cameron's husband.

He's talked so much
about you.

Oh, well,

he did have
a little thing for me

back in high school.
Yeah.

I guess he's got a type.

Stop it! Stop it.

I am nothing like --
Well, if you don't mind,
actually,

I'd like to come in?

Uh, I got to see man
about a horse.

But we don't have --

That's a classy way
of saying

I got to make my bladder
gladder.

Bathroom!
Uh, yes...

Uh, end of the hall
on -- on the right. Yep.

Oh, and the Teen Vogues
are our daughter's!

We don't even know
who Demi Lovato is!

Okay, how did Larry
get out again?

God, it must've been
your sister.

So, guess who is
in the bathroom.

Oh, well, my surprise
was just candles,

but I'm not saying no.

No, uh...it's Bo.

My Bo?
No --

Well, technically, he's --
he's more Pam's Bo,

and I am your Mitchell,
but yes.

Yeah, he's here to take Pam
and the baby home!

I mean,
how great is that?

Cameron Tucker!

Get the hell
out of my house.

Close those arms.

Come on, Cam.

Yeah, come on, Cam.
No.

You are not getting
anywhere near my sister.

Now get out!

Hmm?

Let's go! Get out!

Uh, won't he just
wait for Pam outside?

I mean --
Okay, you know...
come back in!

Great.
There goes Larry again.

You know,
I'm starting to think
he's unhappy living here.

Good. Good.

Uh, no Velcro.

Our brand
is a little more upscale.

Uh-oh.

Another buyer is tired
of seeing the same feet.

Oh, it's my fault now?

What's he doing to keep things
iteresting?

Why do I care?

I'm surprised
you were open to this.

I'm surprised
you know how to do this.

Don't forget,
we have to get over

to mom's work
to ship shoes later.

Wait a second,
you're using Mom's FedEx?

Every time she and Dad
have a fancy night out,

she uses the hashtag
"Luke's college fund."

So, yeah,
I'm using her account.

Is there something

you're not telling me
about this house?

I am kind of getting
a murdery vibe.

The only killing
that's ever gonna
happen in this house

is the one that's gonna happen
when you sell the place.

Laughter makes
the spirits hungry, Phil!

Spirits?

You means
there's more than one?

Oh.

Hi, Gil.

Wait. No. Uh, Gil?

Hey, Glo?

Um...

Uh, super stoked
you're here.

If -- If I could give you
one tiny note?

Mrs. Graham's terror level,
which should be going down,

is actually going up.
Mine too.

Actually,
I'm panicking right now!

I can't believe
what I'm sensing right now!

There is like,
a humming sound,
vibrations, fear!

I'm pretty sure that's all
coming off of me,

because I'm about to lose
a sale I really need.

How about this?
Just -- Just spin it a little.

What are you asking me
to do?

In real estate,
there are no dumps.

There are fixer-uppers.

A small house is cozy.

How do we know
this presence is bad?

What about Casper?
Or the Holy Ghost?

People love those guys --

Phil.
Hey!

It's bad, isn't it?

No, it's -- it's actually
really good.

Um, Gloria was just saying
she's making real progress.

Right, Gloria?
I'm sorry,

but there is a disturbing
presence in this house

that I don't think
that I can drive out.

Well,
that is it for me.

Phil, please let me know

if you find something
less haunted,

still within walking distance
to my psychic.

We'll be right back.
Bo, you want some iced tea?

That'd be great.
Thank you.

No, you are not
giving him iced tea.

This is not
a garden party.

But he did come all this way
to make things right.

And you know what, Cam?

Prison changes people.
Oh, does it?

Always. In a good
and permanent way.

Ohh.
I mean, look at him...

No.
Do not look at him.

He is a siren.

He draws you in with those
big beautiful blue eyes,

and the next thing you know,
you're giving him

your great-grandfather's
Civil War bayonet

and he's selling it
for Magic Beans.

It's the brand of whiskey
he drinks.

I just -- I think he deserves
a second chance.

Why do you suddenly
care so much

if Pam and Bo
are back together?

I'm a divorce lawyer, Cam.

I see families torn apart
all the time.

The emotional cost
is just too high.
Oh.

The cost of everything
is too high!

Look, Pam made her bed.

Now she needs to get out of it

so I can flip the mattress
and make some money off of it.

Sounded more pimpy
than I intended.

Mm.

Maybe Pam doesn't want
to live upstairs anymore.

Maybe she wants to go with him
to Missouri.

Or maybe you don't want Pam
to live upstairs

and you want her
to go home to Missouri.

I couldn't help
but overhear,

since we're practically
in the same room

and you ain't exactly
whispering...

Can I say something
on my behalf?

No, you may not!

Because if you cared
about my sister,

you would've been here the
moment baby Calhoun was born!

I know,
but when I got out of jail

for punching
that police horse,

I discovered my truck
had been towed.

I had to sell my plasma
for cash.

He thinks of others.
Very noble.

All I'm hearing is
no car, no money,

compromised immune system.

What a great role model.

And yes,
he could be a model,

but I will not
be distracted

by those beautiful
big blue eyes.

Cam, I get it,
all right?

I made a lot of mistakes.

But like my plasma,

I decided to "B-positive."

I hitchhiked,
I took odd jobs,

whatever I could do
to get here.

I mean, Pam,
our boy Calhoun --

They're my family.

Hell, you're my family.

Look, I-I want
to believe you, Bo,

but, yeah, I just --

I've been burned
too many times.

About that...
I got something to show you.

Old Stonewall Tucker

would've wanted you
to have this back.

Oh, Stonewall.

I'm guessing his statue's
no longer in the park.

I thought you sold this.
Welp, that was the old Bo.

The new Bo saved up
and bought it back for you.

See?
Believe me,

I'm trying to do
the right thing.

Hey...
Oh, Bo...

What the hell
is he doing here?!

Now, Pameron, Bo came back
for you and baby Calhoun!

Yeah, just -- just give him
a chance, okay?

Oh, my gosh.
I-Is this him?

Is -- Is that my boy?

No. This is my car,

and I have
a little tiny driver.

Of course it's him!

You stay away from us,

Beauregard
Lavern Johnson!
Come on --

And stop undressing me
with your devil blue eyes!

Okay, You know what?
I'll -- I'll go --

I'll go talk to her.

Oof. Hey, thank you
for pleading my case

back there with Cam.

I can tell,
you're good lawyer.

And I can tell
you are a good man.

I am team Bo all the way.

All right, good.

'Cause I-I might need
some legal counsel.

See, I-I didn't buy
that bayonet back

so much as I stole it.

Oh, dear.

Excuse me, everyone!

As founder of this company,

which I built
with my own sweat and tears,

I'd like to say a few words.

Before going into the future,

it's important we honor
how we got here.

So I put together
a little presentation.

Dad,
we're having ice cream.

They can lick and watch.

Ponytail, lights.

1946.

An iron curtain
was descending over Europe.

But in Youngstown, Ohio,
a child is born.

While young Jay Pritchett
was a superstar athlete,

he was also an artist

who dreamed of revolutionizing
an industry --

closets.

He just couldn't
let me have my day.

He had to make it
all about him.

It was disgusting.

Although...

the scene of him
playing his father

denying him
a startup loan?

Surprisingly powerful.

While America
was doing the Hustle,

Jay as hustling
to build an empire,

which is why one newspaper
called him

"the hardest working man
in closets."

That was an ad.

Who would've thought
the company,

built by that little boy,

would one day be the toast

of the international
closet world?

Congratulations.
We did it.

Margaret's
mixing some drinks.

Enjoy the afternoon.

Nice!
Thank you.

Okay, Mrs. Graham's car
is on its way!

You have five minutes
to convince her

that this house is fine!

Feel this wall,
Phil.

No, I am done
with this nonsense!

I can't believe
I'm hearing this

from a person
that believes in magic!

I'm not the one
who told you this,

but magic
isn't actually magic.

That didn't
come from your ear.

What? How?

You're with them.

There is no "them," Gloria.

Everybody says "What? How?"
to that trick.

That's how magic works.

Things that seem supernatural

actually have a perfectly
logical explanation.

This wall is warm, Phil.

It's radiating evil.

It is not radiating evil --

Oh, that is warm.
Oh!

What was that?

Faulty wiring, Phil?!
How dare you.

I would never sell a house
with faulty wiring!

You can hear that,
right?

You made them angry.

I don't believe in
any of this!

But just in case...

What is this?
Holy water?
No.

Cucumber water.

You think this skin
just happens?

Okay...okay.

The sellers
are on their way home.

Let's just put everything back
the way we found it

and maybe swing by a church.

Come on!

Ohh!

Oh, my God!

Bees!

Oh! Go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Good news, Mrs. Graham,
it's only bees!

I'll follow up
with the escrow documents!

Congrats! Ow!

Hey. So, that was
a fun movie, Dad.

Kind of made it
all about you, though.

Nonsense.
Try a Jay-tini.

I'm good.

Congratulations
on the Expo, boss.

Thanks.
Thanks.

I think that what's her name
was talking to me.

Oh?

Oh, Margaret,
what are my kids doing here?

Oh, the kids have been using
the company shipping.

They've been coming in
for weeks.

I am so drunk.

Am I screaming?

What do you two
think you're doing?

Oh, uh...we just came
to congratulate you

on that thing
that happened.

- Try again.
- Fine.

But there's no nice way
to say this.

I started a company

selling Alex's disgusting,
smelly shoes

to feet freaks.

Wow, that is so gross!

More like gutsy.

You got to get
your hands dirty

to build a company
from the ground up.

I'm proud of you, Luke.

Uh, hold on.

It was my idea to start
buying thrift-store shoes.

I expanded the business
and doubled our profits.

You see what Alex did?

She grew the business.

She took it
to the next level.

She was able to achieve
what Luke couldn't,

despite years of trying.

It's really
only been a few --

You can't grow
what doesn't exist!

Okay. Well, they're
on their thing now.

Just walk away.

Do you know how long
I've been with this company?

Seven presidents.

And four popes.
Yes, Dad, I saw the movie.

Couldn't you just
let me have today?

Why didn't you call me?
What are you talking about?

This morning.
When you got the big news.

I mean, am I not
a part of this anymore?

Is that
what's going on here?

I didn't call you
because I was waiting

for you to call me and say,
"Congratulations!

You did it, honey."

Instead,
I had to come here

and watch
"Lawrence of A-Jay-bia."

How else would anybody know
I even existed?
What?

I spent my entire career
trying to get in the Expo,

and you come in
and get it done in 2 years.

Come on,
it goes without saying

that this company would be
nothing without you.

No, it doesn't.
Hmm?

Let me hear you say it.
Seriously?

Yes. I want to hear it.

Dad,
if it weren't for you,

we wouldn't be
where we are today.

All of your hard work

laid the foundation
for our success.

Now you.

Well, if I say it,
it'll sound
a little conceited.

No, not about you!
About me!

It's...

an unbelievable
accomplishment.

You've exceeded
all my expectations,

which were ridiculously high
to begin with.

The company could not be
in better hands.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay,
let's just agree

that your heart
was in the right place

giving Cam back
his bayonet.

But knowing
what a decent person you are,

I'm sure
you're planning on --

Bo, open this door!

Bo!

Bo --

How long you expect me
to wait out there in the car?

Oh, God, please tell me
this is your cab driver.

I'm Heather.

It's like feather,
but with an "H"?

I'm familiar
with the name.

Uh, I'll be right out,
sweetie.

I'm just finishing up
with my client.

Okay, Mr. Pringle,
you can expect delivery

of one male
and one female chinchilla

in the next...

Phew.
Good. She's gone.

Can you believe
I just thought of that

on the spot?

Mm.

I'm not going down there,
Cam.

I don't trust myself
around him.

I see that face,
I hear that voice,

I go all gooey.

You're preaching to
the gay man's choir, here.

But you have
to decide for yourself,

and you need to keep
a clear head.

You know what?
All right.

So, here's a trick
that I used

when I was coming of age.

So, I had a little bit of
a self-control problem,

and I would put a rubber band
around my wrist

and flick it every time
I got the urge

to...flick it.

Ew! You used to snap
one of those like crazy

whenever we watched
"Dukes of Hazzard."

Yeah. I got through
all seven seasons --

zero incidents.

Okay.
Say your piece.

But I'll tell you
right now,

I ain't gonna
make it easy for you.

You sure look pretty,
Pam'n'cheese.

Oh, Bo...

Come here.

Mm!

We did that.

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

I know
I don't deserve you...
No.

...but if you and Cal
will have me,

I promise to spend
every day of my life

proving that I am worthy.

Oh, my God!

Look at
this beautiful ring!

It's just so perfect --

Who's Heather?

Oh, that's the name

of the jeweler
I bought it from.

Heather's Rings and...
Things.

Okay! Nope!
Mnh-mnh! Nope!

No, even I can't
spin this anymore.

All right.
Bo is a disaster, okay?

He -- He hasn't changed
one bit.

He is a liar,
he is a thief,

he is a day drinker,
he --

He stole that ring
from Heather,

who's waiting outside for him
in case you say no.

Hey!
You can't say any of that!

That's attorney-client
privilege!

He's also an idiot.

Look, okay,
I am not letting you and Cal

go anywhere near him,
all right?

I cannot believe
I got drawn in

by those big beautiful
blue eyes again.

Get out of my house.

Well, it's not really
up to you, now is it?

What you think,
Pamburger?

Well, I --

Ow.

Get the hell out!

Fine.

I'm glad I left
the air conditioning on

for Heather.

Oh --
Oh --

I even got --

Ow!

Thanks, Mitchell...
Yeah.

...for taking care of me
like that.
Hey, hey.

You have a home here

as long as you need it,
okay?
Aww, Mitchell,

you really are looking out
for my sister.

And you know what, Pam?

As long as you're
gonna be staying here
for a little while,

you got to mind the door
a little better.

Larry keeps getting out.

Say "Larry"
one more time.
Okay.

Larry.

I told you
not to say it!
Get off of me!

Ah,
your mother called you

about the screening
of my film.
Uh...

She blew us off.

Some lame excuse about
getting attacked by bees.

Well, what the hell?
Let's start.

19--

What are you doing
over there?

What are you doing
up there?

Is that you
with Lady Bird Johnson?
Sure is.

I was Closet Magazine's
"Movers and Groovers
to Watch."

She did the keynote

and complimented
my mustache.

Heady times.

What's with
all that news footage?

Well, historical context
is important.

Post-Watergate,
people wanted transparency.

Hence the glass closet.

Now, let me explain
why my shirt is off
in the next shot.