Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - Tough Love - full transcript

Ready for
your big camping trip?

Are you sure you got
everything you need?

Everything but the one thing
I'd truly be lost without...

Your Camry.

My GPS is broken.

Can we trade cars?

I recently left
my real-estate partners

to strike out on my own.

But before facing the wilds
of the housing market,

I'm gonna boost my confidence

with six rugged nights
of camping



at Yosemite National Park

and one
at the Kawayu Lodge.

I'm concerned,
of course,

about readjusting
to civilization,

so I've reserved
the garden suite

in case I'm more comfortable
sleeping outside.

Uh...

only because
I am picturing myself

in a line of people
sweeping the woods
with flashlights.

Are you sure a week
in the woods is a good idea?

Sweetheart, if anything,
I'm over prepared.

I have two weeks
worth of food,

water purifiers...

a flare gun.



Oh, don't wave
that thing around
in the house.

Give me a little bit
of credit.

I'm not gonna shoot off
a flare gun in the house.

Hey, Lily,
the library is saying

that "Stripey the Zebracorn"

is two months overdue?

What -- what's that about?

We have a new librarian,

and she's a little...

She's been drunk e-mailing
a lot.

Oh, that poor thing.

Lily, go find that book.

And the fine's coming
out of your allowance.

You'll really believe
anything, won't you?

I will not.

Really? Okay...

Um, hey, remember when you
had your grandmother

ship us a certain
Appalachian hex poppet

because you thought our house
had evil spirits?
Okay, yeah.

Do you have
a better explanation

of why there were
cries and giggles

echoing
through our walls?
Yes.

Our contractor found this
in one of the vents.

Listen...

I think it's
one of those dolls

they give
high-school girls

who are high risk
for getting pregnant?

When would
one of those girls

have been
in this house?

I think
I was babysitting Lily,

and I kinda remember it
turning into a party situation.

You know, I sort of recall
the air conditioning blasting

and I had to shove something
in the vent to block it,

which was pretty responsible,

considering my friend Alicia

brought
her actual baby there.

So many teens
going down the wrong path.

I see it every day.

Uh, seems like you're trying
to change the subject

from you being gullible.

Only because I have
a more pressing concern.

Today, I have to oversee
my first detention

as acting vice principal,

and I'm -- I've just been
racking my brain

of how I'm gonna
reach these kids.

It's, uh, detention.

How about "shut up
and do your homework"?

What's --
what's wrong with her?

Should I get
the hex poppet?

I'm just cry-talking.

I threw my neck out
changing Cal.
Oh, no.

Now whenever I move,
all of me comes with it.

Oh, gosh.
Oh, you know what?

Why don't you let us
take baby Cal,

and you go get yourself
a rubdown.

You're an angel.

Shouldn't be
but a few hours.

Hey,
are you an even bigger
rube than I thought?

There's nothing wrong
with her neck.

Oh my God, the baby!
What?!

No!

He --
He winked at me.

You're gonna love it, Joe.

My dad took me
to an air show like this

for my 12th birthday.

We saw Blue Angels,
fighter jets,

a B-52 bomber.

Something got bombed?
Well, my dad.

He got in a drinking contest
with some fly boys.

But that just
made it extra fun,

'cause
I got to drive us home.

Joe, why is the fort

still in the middle
of the living room?

I need it.
For what? Apaches?

Are you being attacked?

Feels like it.

Take it down.

I've told you
three times already.

If you don't do it now,

we're not
going to the air show.

Wait, no fair!
Why am I being punished?

Oh, I didn't expect
you guys to be home.

Uh, we're just gonna
use the pool.

Jay, Gloria...

Gloria?

This is Dr. Karen Fisk.

She's a movement teacher
at my school.

Your son
is very talented.

Well,
it's always very nice

to meet
one of Manny's teachers.

Why don't I get us
something to drink

and maybe
some delicious brownies

that I was about
to throw away

because they're only
for the good children!

Keep your brownies!

It's cute,
that grown-up routine

Manny's putting on
to impress his girlfriend.

She's not his girlfriend.

She's his teacher.

Gloria,
he brought her home

when he thought
no one would be around.

Manny has been
bringing his teachers home

since he was a little kid.

His 9th birthday party
turned into a PTA meeting.

Gloria, I think
you're just not seeing

what you don't
want to see.

Believe me, Jay,
I see everything.

The dentist says
your new mouth guard

should be there tomorrow.

Alex, I am sure you can
make it through one night...

I-I don't know,

hit the materials lab
and whip up some mouth flubber.

Oh, Claire,
thank goodness.

There was a bit of
a trucking mix-up.
Mm-hmm.

Irving was sent to Julian
and can't get to Visalia.

Well,
send Dustin to Visalia

and have Irving
hit Julian and Ramona.

Dustin can't hit Visalia
and also Irvine.

Well,
can Julia hit Irvine?

Not Irvine and Tustin.
Fine.

Send Julia to Julian,
Ramon to Ramona,

Dustin to Tustin,
Irving to Irvine,

and I'll drive the damn truck
to Visalia!

You?
Yes, of course me,
Margaret!

'Cause I have to handle
everything anyhow!

If not me, who?

Oh, no.
Mi Hu is going to Carlsbad.

These are your future,

And they're headed...out...

the window...

never to return.

You drop this, Coach?

Yes.

Oh, it must be Halloween,

because somebody's
passing out snickers!

Shane?

Sorry, I didn't mean
to interrupt.

Oh, it's okay, Shane.

I know your type.

Tough guy. Know it all.

It's like
looking in a mirror.

That's right, Shane.

I was you.

Till a local sheriff
put me in jail.

In a little program
called Scared Straight,

which, now that
I'm saying it out loud,

could have had
a double meaning.

24 hours in the joint

with some of
the most dangerous characters

this side of Hell.

Maybe, uh...

Maybe you'd like
to meet some of them.

I don't know what
you're lookin' at,

'cause I don't ever remember
sellin' you a lookin' license!

Hey, it must be 5:00 a.m.

outside the McDonald's,

because the fresh meat
just got delivered!

And the Weasel
likes fresh meat!

Hey, you back off him!

That new boy's mine!

Oh...Uncle Cam...

"Like."

My friend, Billy.

Billy Club.

Ay, Cam...
Whack!

"Like."

Do you even know
how to drive a truck?

No, Margaret, I don't...

but unlike
the rest of the world,

sometimes I just
figure things out on my own.

Backing up...

Back --

Shut up, Margaret.

Survival vlog, entry one.

After a five-mile hike
and a ride down some rapids,

I've decided
to make my camp here.

The rapids were treacherous.

I took on water

and quickly realized
my only chance for survival

was to push my companion
overboard --

my constant companion...

fear.

Please stay
out of my blind spot.

Merging.

Merging!

Sorry!

Here's the thing.

In the wild,

you either shrink
from the challenge,

or you realize that confidence
is half the battle

and you become
the master of your environment.

Okay...

All right.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

This isn't so bad.

Yeah.

That's right, Prius...

move it.

Yep.

Sometimes it's just
a matter of thrusting
your chest out,

staking your claim...

and letting nature know

there's a new sheriff
in town.

This chorizo,
these plantains,

it's all so delicious.

When did you develop
a taste for Colombian?

It's called
bandeja paisa.

Oh, talented, smart,

and speaks Spanish.

Oh, please.

Everybody wants
to touch those cheeks.

He looks like
one of those babies

that blow a cloud

across the ceiling
of a church.

So, tell us, Dr. Karen,
what do you teach?

Well, the best way
would be to show you.

Why don't
we find our legs?
Fun.

Now stand beside me
and follow along.
Mm-hmm.

Imagine you're carrying
two pails of water.

Uh-huh. Deep breath.

No, no, no.

Your chest
shouldn't be lifting.

Come place your hands
on my neck.

Do you feel how still
and open my breathing is?

Oh, a little sensitive
there.

Yeah, you have
a little bite there.

Oh, my bad.

Okay, that's a little tight.

But I can see where Manny
gets his soft hands from!

Oh, that's very,
very eye-opening.
Mom. Mom.

Uh, let's check on the dessert
in the kitchen.

What kind of schools

allow a teacher
to date a student?

I'm guessing
any art school.

He can't date
a 30 year old.

Manny's still a child.

Manny wasn't a child
when I met him.

Look,
there was a 10-year period

where there was at least
one empty chair

at my house
every Thanksgiving

because I had
a lot to say

about who Mitchell and Claire
were dating.

So, learn from my one and only
parental mistake.

Uh, maybe Karen and I
should head out.

I'm sensing some tension.
No, no, no.

This is your house,

and you're supposed to be
comfortable here.

So, just hang out.

Have more wine.

And don't worry
about driving.

You can spend the night
here tonight.

Are you sure, Mom?

Yeah, I'm sure.

I'll go get some more wine.

Any tips
on how she moves?

I've never seen
anything like it.

Right?

Hello, Shane.

Acting Vice Principal
Tucker.

I know you think
you're pretty cute right now,

but before this day
is done,

I will get you to admit
you sent out that video.

I did send out that video.

I knew you'd crack.

Look, uh...

I'm sorry.

I just really need these kids
to accept me.

No, Shane, you don't.

Because they're popular,

you think you need
their approval.

I'm a cop.

Oh, are you, now?

There's concern

about some drug traffic
at this school.

I am here, undercover,
to shut it down.

Okay, yeah.

Okay,
well, I kind of always
knew you were police.

Well, sure.

You're law enforcement,
too.

We know our own.

Cop eyes.

Cop eyes.

Okay.

So what's the play?

There's this new designer drug
alled Dexomorphone.

Mm-hmm.
Kids are calling them
"Dum-Dums."

So there's this big deal
going down tonight

on the north campus
during the basketball game.

And you want my help
with the bust.

Yes.

By being
nowhere near there.

I don't want to spook
these dealers.

Copy that.

But in case
you need backup,

I should be
near north campus.

Or nowhere near there.

Or there...

but slouched down in my car
so no one sees me.

Or at your house.

Right.

Okay.

Cop eyes.

Okay. Okay.

Are we gonna go outside?

Yes, we are.

Careful.

How many times have
I told you

not to leave this here?

Someone's gonna trip on it.

There's a lot going on
with me right now.

My body's changing.

Okay.
You always use that.

Hey, today, you're gonna
learn about responsibility.

Today, you are gonna
take care of a baby.

Do you want a toy?

Little tough love.

Long overdo,
if you ask me.

But it's gonna be good
for you, sweetie.

He's crying.

Well,
that's what babies do.

You just got to pick it up,
and you got to soothe it.

All right, then.

Okay.
It's okay.

It worked.
Good.

Just keep it up for
the rest of the afternoon.

Wait! I don't know
what I'm supposed to do!

Yeah. Well,
welcome to being a parent.

Survival vlog number two.

Um...I descended
into the water

attempting
to retrieve my gear.

I encountered
slippery rocks...

...a cold, brisk current,

and although I have
no photographic evidence of it,

a sea serpent.

My ensuing thrashing
stunned a passing trout.

I then foraged some
wild blueberries and honey

from what turned out to be
a not -- --

altogether abandoned hive.

Just goes to show you...

I don't need
all that fancy equipment.

Phil Dunphy can survive
in the wild, even --

Ha! Ha!

That sounded big, didn't it?

Good thing I smell like
berries, honey, and raw fish,

so I'm basically
all three courses

of a bear's favorite meal!

That's right.

Watch them scatter.

Hello?
Oh, hi, honey!

I've been out of cell range
for most of the day.

I just wanted to check in,
see how you're doing.

Oh. Great, great.

The air, the, uh --
the trees...

Moss only grows on
the north side
of trees, right?

I feel like I might be
walking in circles.

Is there something called, uh,
fool's moss?

I don't know.

You sound out of breath.
Is everything okay?

No, Claire,
I'm worried that a bear

or even a family of bears
is hunting me.

Of course I'm okay.

I've only been out here
for a couple hours.

Uh, uh, what kind of man
do you think I am?

Well, it sounds like
we're both having
an adventure.

I just got on a scale,
and guess how much I weigh.

5 tons!

Yeah, well,
we all put on a few

around the holidays.

Mwah! Let me call you back
a little later.

Meanwhile, uh,
I am sending you a pic

of me enjoying nature
at my last known location

in my very identifiable
red Gore-Tex jacket.

Anyhoo, leave a check out
for the gardener,

and you gave
my life meaning.

You're a giggly one,
aren't ya?

Oh, I miss that sound.

Hi. Can I look?

Hey, Lily,
how's it going?

I'm trying my best,

but I don't really know
what I'm doing.

Well, better to make
your mistakes on this one.

You know?

Oh, hold on one second.

Oh, someone's sending me
a video of daddy.

Hey! It must be 5:00...

No, not the Weasel.
Okay.

Honey, I got to call you back,
all right?
Wait!

God, he must be
so humiliated.

You know he's a doll.

Thank you.
Thank you. That's sweet.

Thank you.

Mitchell.

Cam.
Hey, hey, hey!

I saw that video
that's going around.

I am so sorry.
Oh, doesn't bother me.

Good!

Good, 'cause it shouldn't,
you know?

You're just trying
to make a difference.

If those kids
don't appreciate that,

that is their loss.

Yeah. And...
Mm-hmm.

...it's part of a big
sting operation.
What?

So, I shouldn't
be telling you this,

but Shane,
the guy who shot the video,

is actually
an undercover cop.

Oh.
Yeah,
and he did the video

to sort of, like,
humiliate me

to get some street cred.

And there's a big drug deal
going on tonight,

but he wants me
to steer clear.

Is anyone else aware of

Shane's "21 Jump Street"
double life?

Well, he's not gonna
broadcast it

out loud for everyone.

But you did get some paperwork
or identification?

Okay. You know what?

I think it's hilarious that

the person you don't trust
is a hero,

who's helping fight
the Dexomorphone problem

that's plaguing --
I'm sorry. What?

The street name
is "Dum-Dums,"

and Shane says
there's literally
Dum-Dums everywhere.

Okay. So, Shane --

not a 16-year-old drug dealer
who enjoys humiliating you,

but a baby-faced
police officer --

has deputized you,
and your first assignment

is to stay
as far away as possible

from a huge "Dum-Dum" deal
that's about to go down?

Cam, I mean, come -- I love
how trusting you are,

but when you start
missing things

that are that obvious,
then, well, you know,

I don't have to
say anything more.

You know,
I can finish up here

if you want to go upstairs.

Nah, nah, I'm fine.

You know, um...

Mom really
surprised me before.

This is the first time

she's treating me
like an adult.

And Karen's great.

I mean, It's nice to be
with a mature woman,

someone with experience.

So you two haven't
slept together, huh?

She suggested
we come here.

I said fine.

You don't know
how relieved I was
you guys were home.

But then Mom
was so cool with it.

I mean,
where's the crazy Colombian

the one time I need her?

This is dry.

But you like Karen, right?

A lot, but, I mean...

bad enough she's older
than I am,

she's also
a movement professor.

I swear to God,
before today,

I'd never heard
those two words together.

Now it's all I hear.

Look...

it's normal to be nervous.

Don't do anything
you're not ready for.

Talk to her about
what you're feeling.

You'll be surprised
how much easier things get

after one
honest conversation.

Thanks, Jay.

One down, one to go.

Joe?!
You ready to talk?

For oatmeal raisin?

Don't waste my time.

Is this stuff
any good?

It better be.

I laid out half
my bar mitzvah bonds to get it.

Sick movie of Coach Tucker,
by the way.

Glad you enjoyed the film,
boys.

Now you can be
in one of your own!

What the hell
are you doing?!

My job.

I guess I really am
a vice principal.

A Miami
vice principal --

No, I guess it doesn't really
need the "Miami," does it.

I can't believe this.

You're busted.
What do we got here?

Oh, let me guess --
your -- your drug money,

walkie-talkie.

What's this?

A badge.

Wow.

Mitchell's really
gonna owe you an apology.

Mm.

Drive strong, brother.

Hey, Claire.

Hi, honey.
How's it going?

Just sitting here by
a perfect mountain stream.

Nothing beats the raw beauty
of the great outdoors.

How's everything
going there?

Couldn't be better.

I'm on my way home now,
but we were down a driver,

so I got to drive
a truck today,

and I'm loving it.

Makes me feel like
a real man.

Yeah?
What's that feel like?

Something going on
with you?

Honey, I haven't been, uh,
totally honest with you.

I didn't quit
Woosnam, Keneally & Dunphy.

They --
They asked me to leave.

Oh, honey.
What happened?

Well, you know,

those guys have always been
super aggressive,

and they didn't feel like

I have
the same killer instinct

that -- that they do.

Maybe they're right.

Is that what this whole
crazy camping thing is about?

Proving how tough
you are?

Maybe, a little,

especially since
I'll be going out on my own.

Phil, this is a huge thing
you've been going through.

Why didn't
you say something?

Well,
you've had such a busy week.

I don't want to be
another fire
you had to put out.

Okay, listen to me.

Remember how terrified I was
when I took over for my dad?

The night before my first day
in the big office,

I was up, heart pounding,

pacing a hole
in the living-room floor.

And suddenly,
you were there.

You just
put your arms around me,

and it made me realize

I'm not going through this
alone.

So forget
your idiot partners

and whatever it is
you're trying to prove

with this stupid
camping trip.

You're great at what you do,
and also...

What?

How -- How --

I'm gonna hang up now.

I love you.
Goodbye.

You didn't sound so good
on the phone.

I called the hotel,

and they said
you checked in early.

Honey,
I know I like to complain

about people coming to me
to solve their problems,

but don't you dare
not come to me with yours.

By the way,
if you don't want people

to come to you to solve
their problems all the time,

maybe don't be
so good at it.

Mm.
Mm.

Mm.
Well...

Now that you're
so into the wild...

I like
where this is going.

Rawr!

Don't...do that,
please.

You okay?

Joe is sleeping
in a fort downstairs,

and Manny's upstairs
sleeping with a doctor.

I don't know
what the rules are anymore.
No one does,

but for what it's worth,

I think
you made the right call.

I am at least winning
one of these fights.

Storming the fort?

I'm gonna go
and drag him out of there

and put him in his bed.

I'm still
bigger than Joe,

even though that Manny's,
like...

Trust me.

The little boy in Manny
isn't gone yet.

Finally!
Where have you been?

I have been out
walking Cal.

And guess
who's right behind me.

Actually,
I've been the one who --

Who will be
going to Disneyland

if she plays
her cards right.

Now where's
my little angel?

Oh, hey, tell me about
your rubdown, huh?

Oh!
Oh. Oh, boy.

Oh, I can get it.

Now I'm so free and loose,

I can pick up anything,
move around.

Yep, I'm like an owl.

Aww, there's
my little angel!

Mm-hmm.
You know what?

Thanks for this.
No problem.

Let me treat you
to a bite.
Oh.

Come on.
Lily, we'll be right back.

How was he?
So quiet, so easy.