Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Lake Life - full transcript

Jay takes the family on a lake house in efforts to make memories.

Kids, breakfast!
Luke, why don't you
have some fruit?

Nah, I'm good.


I'll have some.

Phil! Slow down!

I'm sorry, Claire.

Unlike at home,
I'm the captain here.

Damn it, Phil,
knock it off!

Copy that.

You know,
I like having these.

We should get some
for the house.

No, you're not going to ask me
"What time is lunch?"

every day
through a talkie-walkie.

Cam, we need
to talk about this.

We -- We have
these lamps at home.

Okay, we have boat lamps.

I know.
It's so validating.

It's like that time
we saw our can opener

in that dog-food commercial.

We rented a houseboat.

My dad wanted us
to take a big lake trip

so we could see
the first total eclipse
in 99 years.

You know,
growing up on a farm,

I always fantasized
about lake life.

Yeah. You know,
anyone can go to the lake.

Only the elite
can sleep on it.

My parents used to
take Claire and me

every summer
when we were kids.

Oh, I just never dreamed
I would marry

marry into a lake family.

We have this pillow, too.

I'm beginning
to question our taste.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
We have great taste.

What's all this, then?

The doctor said
absolutely no sun

while I'm on
these antibiotics.

And what would happen?

Because if it's anything
short of death,

I-I think
you should risk it.

Morning! Who's hungry?

Manny, how do you
take your eggs?
Like God made 'em.


what are you doing?

This isn't Manny.

It's Manuel.

He's trying to reinvent
himself for college.

He's going for a strong,
silent type.

Hey, don't try
to define me, man.

"Manuel's" gonna
last five minutes.


It is what it is, man.

All right, everybody,
listen up.

The eclipse is happening
at exactly --
We know, we know, we know.

We know exactly when
it's happening, Dad.

You told us.

Then just make sure
you get back here

so we can watch it together.

Hey, Dad, you know Hugh Duncan
from Just Closets?

That pretentious

that refers to closets
as "wardrobes"?
He died.

Son of a gun.
I always liked him.

Yeah, something
like that happens

makes you realize
how precious life is, huh?

Morning, fam!

Somebody kill me.

Ben and I have been dating
a few months now,

and things
have been going so well,

I decided to invite him
on our family vacation.

We knew it would take
some --

I could listen to
you talk forever.


We knew it would take
some convincing.

It's bad enough that
I have to see
Ben's stupid face

at the office every day.

You want to bring him
on our trip?

Just because he bugs you

doesn't mean this will
ruin your vacation.

He's a huge reason
why I need a vacation!

I mean,
I can see both sides.

Does anyone know

if these pancakes
are gluten-free?

I can't!
What's wrong?

I can't listen to you talk
about gluten anymore!

Or mouth guards
or airborne allergens

or any of your other
weird afflictions!

Has anyone seen
my big hat?

You know what?
Traveling together
was a big mistake.

Let's just...
do our own thing.


a-all right.

Well, uh...

What are you guys
up to today?

Water skiing.

Boat stuff.
Ay, no.

What am I looking at?

Okay, relax.
You all act like

you've never seen
a caftan before.

I just needed full breathable
coverage today.

The fact that it looks so great
is just a bonus.

What's that?
"Groovy Guppies."

I'm gonna binge-watch
the last season.

I never heard of it.

Get out of whatever
your mommy's
got you doing.

Your life is about
to change.

I'm going down to the little
store to buy some sunglasses.

I'm thinking
something fun.

All right. Well, don't
get anything too garish.

Hey, sexy!
Party on the island!

Come by!


What are you doing?
What was that?

That was a boy!
That was a girl!

What are you talking about?!
What are you talking about?!

Whatever that was,

we're going to his/her party
before Ben finds me.

Team Dunphy, D to the five.
You guys ready to go?

Yeah, what do you
feel like doing?

We were thinking
maybe a hike?

A little flora,
fauna, and --

Forget it.
We're going to a party.

But if you're looking
for something fun,

the rental guy gave us
this pamphlet.

Thanks. We already
got one, but --

Yours is different.

Parasailing, wakeboarding...


Ours has
sunrise chair yoga,

watercolors at
water's edge,

and something called...
cloud study?

Yeah, they gave that one
to Grandpa, too.

We got
the old people one?

Why would they do that?

Looks like you guys

got some fluffy ones
out today.

That one looks
like a bunny.

Oh, yeah.

Ah. It feels like
we're in St. Tropez.

I don't trust lakes.

Where I come from,
this is where we dump

drugs and dead bodies.

You know what?

I am gonna give you
a little boat tour

and show you this lake
in all of its glory,

but you need to
keep an open mind.

Okay, fine.

Let's ride around
the liquid graveyard.

Mama, riding on small boats
makes my tummy hurt.

Can I stay with Lily?

Sí, papi.

It was Scotty --
this local lake kid

I met on vacation when I was 13.

I had a huge crush on him,
so on the last day,

I decided to take a chance
and I kissed him.

It was my first time
ever kissing a boy,

so when he pulled away and said
that he wasn't "into this,"

I was humiliated.

I mean, I'd obviously misread
signals. He was straight.

It was five years before I ever
made a move on a guy again.

And even then, I wouldn't dare

unless he was basically
floating across the room.

Which is why
I ended up with --

Well, you know.

Finding everything okay,


Just, uh, first time
here, so, uh...

You look familiar.
Do I know you?

No! Nah, nah, nah.

Just picking up a few, uh,
lake essentials.



Are you robbing me?

God, no. No, um...

You know what?


I started reading the tributes
to Hugh Duncan on Facebook.

There were a ton of them.

People going on and on about
what a great guy he was.

"Grandpa Hugh once gave me
a vintage stethoscope,

which inspired me to become
a pediatric oncologist."

Made me wonder what people will
say about me when I'm gone.

Honey, I want you to
have my telescope.

May it inspire you
to love science.

I already love science.

This feels like
a real turning point.

You know, it's a story
you'll want to tell people.

"He always told me
to reach for the stars."


Where are you?

Ohh! It's Ben.
Tell him you haven't seen me.

I don't want
to talk to him.


We'll only be gone
for a couple hours.

Joe and Lily
will be fine.

Oh, wait. Look.

There's that nice
lake butler

that helped me earlier
with my bags.

Señor. Señor.

Could you take care of our kids
for a couple of hours?

I will pay you double what you
make working for the lake.

You know me.

We rode to
the airport together.

Can you watch our kids
or not?

I'm kind of, uh --


Any food allergies
I should know about?

This is fun --
just the two of us.

Yeah. And the walking sticks
are a real game changer.

Hold the phone.
We've hit a vista.


Looks like you're not the only
mountain chickadee around here.

You spotted one?

When it's your turn,
note her black bib.


Oh, my God.
Isn't she majestic?

Phil, we're them.

We're the cover of
the old people's pamphlet.

Well, that's a fine
"How do ya do."

Oh, even this guy
wouldn't say that!

You're right!

What is wrong with us?



That's what
we should be doing!

We just need to find ways to
stay young and adventurous.

I'm with you, honey.

Let's go!
Yes! Yes!

I don't need
you anymore!

Boy, you really get
used to those things.

It's not that I want
to be mean to Ben.

He can just be
so annoying sometimes.

And I know
nobody's perfect,

but does that mean I have
to ignore all of his flaws?

Or is the issue me?

A-Am I just looking for
something that doesn't exist?

Am I even capable of loving
someone unconditionally?

We get it.
You have a boyfriend.

Hey, there's that
guy's jet ski.

That girl's jet ski.

Whatever it was, it was into me,
and I'm kissing it.

Keep this dry
for me, Pretty.

We walked around
that whole island.

No hot boys,
girls -- nothing.

Just a bunch of birds.

And not even hot birds.

Hey, where's our boat?

It's gone.

And so are
their jet skis.

They lured us out here
and stole our stuff.

You idiot. You thought
that girl really liked you.

"Hugh was the world's
greatest father-in-law.

He was always there for me,
ready to lend a helping hand."

What are you
doing, Phil?

Oh, I'm just waiting
out here

while Claire changes
for our cliff dive.

Looks like you could use some
help with that pesky sunscreen.



There you go.

It tickles!

Listen, Phil --
I know, I know.

This never happened.
Oh, it happened.

Never forget how these strong
father-in-law hands

gave you pleasure.

"My dad, Hugh, once gave me
the best advice --

have the courage to
choose your own path,

not the path others
expect of you.

Those words changed
my life forever."

What's going on, son?

I know there's a story here,
and I really care.

It's nothing.
Bup, bup, bup.

Walls down, please.

Ugh. Okay, fine.

Um, it's really

Uh, I ran into this guy
who works at the bait shop.

Is that a gay bar?
No, an actual bait shop.

And I came on to him
years ago.

It turns out
he was straight.

And I'm -- I'm still
traumatized by it.

Let me give you
some advice.

Run toward embarrassment,
not away from it.

You got that?

Wait. What?

Go talk to the guy.

Run toward embarrassment,
not away from it,

and you take away
its power.

That's actually not
the worst advice.

It's great advice.

In fact, you should
write it down.

It feels quotable.

You know what? I am.
I'm going back there.

You got this, Mitchell.

Just think of it
as one more time

when your dad helped you out
with all this gay business.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, Gloria, have you ever seen
such pristine blue water?

Is that
a floating duffel bag?

No, that's just a buoy.

A boy?!

No, a buoy. A --

Oh, my caftan's
stuck in the --


The sun!


Almost done. Just a few more
puffs, okay?

Can't we just watch
"Groovy Guppies"?

Trust me, this will
be way more fun.

Don't worry.
He'll be fine.

Go faster!

It's not a violin.
You're trying to start a fire.

Hey, chill, man!

That's never gonna work.

We need a better way to let
someone know we're out here.

Anyone have a mirror?

Good idea. We can reflect
the sun onto a passing plane.

No, I just have a feeling
that my hair

looks really good
right now.


I got a splinter
in my pinkie!

I think we have
a time of death on Manuel.

Shut up!
It's your fault

for making me rub those sticks
together so fast.

My fault?
We wouldn't even be out here

if it weren't
for these two lizard brains

not being able
to keep it in their pants.

You're just jealous because
we don't hate ourselves

for being attracted
to other people.

Please! I'm not accepting
a psych evaluation

from somebody who
texted me for help

getting out of
the bathroom this morning.

Boat locks are different!
He's right, you know.

This is your first time
bringing a boy on vacation,

and the second he sat down
with the whole family,

things started to get a
little too real for you.

So you started
to pick Ben apart

so you could justify
pushing him away.

I don't think
I do that.

Do I do that?

I do do that.

When you think about it,
I'm in a similar situation.

College is getting
a little real,

and maybe I'm nervous about
a whole new group of people

rejecting me,
so I hid Manny away.

After all...

can't hurt
a man they'll never meet.


Ugh. I miss Manuel.

Oh, hi.
Here to rob me again?

Sorry about that.
I-I didn't mean to scare you.

Oh, no.
You didn't scare me at all.

As a matter of fact,
I'm the one robbing you.

Back in town, these worms
are 5 cents each.

So, um, listen.

We -- We actually
do know each other.

Uh, Mitchell Pritchett.
Summer of '89?

I let you have
my Nintendo Game Boy?

Mitchy Pritchy!
Of course!

You were mad about
that Game Boy

'cause your dad
got you that

instead of, like,
some Cher album.

"If I Could
Turn Back Time."

Which brings me
to why I'm here.

Um, I don't know if
you remember this,

but I tried to kiss you
once, and I've --

I've just always -- I've felt
really terrible about it.

And I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah.
No, I barely remember that.

We had a great summer.
Don't think twice about it.

Oh! That is --
That is such a relief.

Remember we stole my dad's truck
and took it to the casino?

I was trying
to cheer you up

because that bully kept
pushing you in the lake.

Claire. Yeah.
No, we're cool now.

Um, so, listen,
good to see you.

Great to see you.

Oh, and, hey, listen. Thank you
so much for understanding.

A lot of straight guys
wouldn't have been so nice.

Straight? I'm not straight.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm gayer than
three crawdaddies in a bucket.

Were you guys
looking for bait?

I just got in some
California Short Worms

that are definitely not
regular worms cut in half.


You ready to do this?

So ready!

Jumping off this cliff

jumping into our future
as adventurers.

Count of three.

One, two, three!



what happened?
I'm so sorry.

I bailed at
the last second.

But I'm ready now.
I promise.
All right.

One, two, three!

Come o--

Oh. Hey.
There you are.

Um, I feel like you

jumped on "two."

Honey, jumping -- it's fun.
It's really fun.

But the point was
to do it with you.

So if that's gonna
be a problem --

No, I-I definitely
want to do it.

It's just that I'm having

a hard time getting
my legs to cooperate.

You're gonna
have to push me.

Are you sure?

Just one hard push,
and I'm good.




go --

Oh, come o--

Stop rocking this thing
so much.

I am getting seasick.

Well, you poor thing.
Maybe if you had --

Uh-oh! Cramp, cramp, cramp,
cramp, cramp, cramp!

Calf's cramping up!
Calf's cramping up!

Gloria, I need you
to rub my calf!

No! I'm not
gonna touch that water!

Gloria, I'm in
so much pain!

You got to put
a little pressure on it!

Put a little
pressure on my calf!

Okay, fine!

Just a little bit.
I can't get it.

Move it!

I'm in the lake!

I'm in the lake!

Ay, no! Ay! Ay!

Oh! What do you know?
My cramp's gone.

Hi, again.
Quick question.

No refunds
on the bait.

They were alive
when you bought them.

Oh. Hey, Mitchy.

Just curious -- um,
how long after we hung out

did you realize that
you were gay?

Oh, no, it was --
It was years before that.

Oh. Okay.
So -- So, back then,

when you said that you --
you weren't "into this,"

you meant that you
weren't into me.

Because I must have been
the only gay kid

around for miles,
Oh, I don't --

Yeah, I mean,
technically, yeah.

Let me get this right.

You're in the middle
of nowhere,
with no other options,

at an age where a boy
gets excited by the wind,

and you looked at me,
and you said, "Ooh, pass."

W-- I --

I'm sorry.

I feel bad.

It was 30 years ago,

You want some...
free bait?

Have a lure?

I don't have allure.

Okay, Gloria,
there's a store.

Go in there. Get me something
to cover me up with -- anything.

But if there is
a color choice,
avoid yellow and green.

It washes me out.

Oh, yeah, Cam,
I would love to help you --

the same way you helped me
fall into that filthy lake!

Hey, kids! Watch out
for the naked man!

Good luck.






I got a jetpack!


I don't want to be the one
to hold you back!

I didn't think it'd be
this hard to contr--



Oh, my God!

We're not boring!

We're still adventurous!

I can see that!

I'm so proud of you!

I love you so much!


Oh, no, honey.
Don't worry.

I-It's just the eclipse.

I can't tell if
I'm headed up or down!


Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Where is everybody?

Ah, who needs them?

This is a pretty special
moment, huh, Joey?

Eh, you're never gonna
remember any of this.

If you don't mind,

I -- I do want to go outside
and see the eclipse.

Oh, I'm not done.
Just -- Just so you know,

plenty of people find me
very attractive, okay,

including my amazing husband,
who is no slouch himself.

Do you sell muumuus?

And I am gonna go
find him right now.

Hey, what's that?
Oh, my God! It's Ben!

He came to rescue me!

I was out there
all alone.

And then it
got really dark.

And I'm so thirsty.

Ew! I got mud on me.

I'm so sorry
I lashed out at you.

I think I do it when I start
getting close to someone.

But I want to be
close to you.

I want that, too.

Come on. We can use
this as an oar.

Oh, there's not enough
room for all of us.

Well, the two of us can
stay while you --

I'll come back for you!

All right.

Well, well, well.
Look who finally showed up.

Maybe we can try this again
in another 99 years.

Actually, there'll be
another total eclipse again

in the next seven years.
No one wants
your stupid science, Alex!

I asked for one thing --

to share a memory with all of us
With me at the center of it!

And by the way,

I had to pay surge boat rates
because of eclipse fever!

This is an all-time rant.

Oh, yeah, top three.
It goes Christmas '84,

that wedding
where he ordered the pork

but they gave him
the chicken instead,

and eclipse weekend.

The only reason
I went to that wedding

was because of
the damn pork!

Is this gonna be the only thing
you guys remember about me?!

Does this have something to
do with Hugh Duncan dying

and all those
Facebook tributes?

Wait, w-were you trying to
manufacture nice moments

so that we'll say good things
about you when you're gone?

Wait. Is that why you
gave me your telescope?

And the -- the sunscreen?
That wasn't real?

I don't want
to talk about this!

Jay, where
are you going?!

Oh, for God's sakes!
Dad! Come back!

Grandpa, stop!
We have tons
of great memories of you!

You're just saying that!

Someone think
of an example!


You used to bring
me back magnets

every time you went away
on a business trip!

It was so thoughtful!

Yeah, when you found out
I was into almond milk,

you went to Costco and got me
that giant thing of almond milk!

Well, you like it,
and it doesn't go bad.

When my mom died,
you texted me every day

for a week
to check on me!

You always save me
the red gummy bears

because they're
my favorite!

And me the green ones!

Also, the nice life
and stuff!

And -- And --
And you're really good

at saving old pictures of me
and Mitchell as kids!

Getting a little general.

"Run toward embarrassment,
not away from it,

and you take away
its power"!

I'm always gonna
remember that!

Good enough.

"Run toward

What does that
even mean?

I don't know.
He needs this.

Why would you push
me in like that?

Oh, relax,
everybody laughed.

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ And you're never
comin' 'round ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit tired ♪

♪ Of listening to the sound
of my tears ♪

♪ Turn around,
bright eyes ♪


Come on, Jay.
Everybody will remember it!

That's extortion.
Come on.

♪ Every now and then,
I fall apart ♪

There it is.

♪ And I need you now
tonight ♪

♪ And I need you
more than ever ♪

Is this even a song?

♪ Once upon a time,
I was falling in love ♪

♪ But now I'm only
falling apart ♪

♪ There's nothing I can do ♪

♪ A total eclipse
of the heart ♪

- Hey. Where's Ben?
- Uh-oh.