Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 22 - The Graduates - full transcript

What's cooking?
My mother's recipe.

Guinea pig pie. Smells good.

Did you just accept
that? It's pecan.

How crooked do you
think my country is?

Come to this. "What's cooking?"

and "smells good"
gets me in trouble?

Mom, you are already
cooking for tomorrow.

Don't make a big deal.

My baby is graduating.

He won the award for
integrity and character.

No absence. No tardies.



Respectful to students
and teachers alike.

My school had
an award like that,

but instead of a sash, that
kid got a punch in the mouth.

Proud of you though.

Why do all your stories
involve a punch in the face,

a shifty European or a broad
who has been around the block?

That reminds me when I
had to rough up this Italian kid

because he didn't want
me dating his sister.

She was no nun!

Jay, can you please
take care of the steaks?

Sure. On the eve
of your big day,

we are celebrating
with rib eyes and

you and I are gonna
have our first Scotch.

Really? Yeah.



I've been waiting to
open the special bottle.

Hmm, looks like
the mice got into it.

Hello. Hello. Where is my son?

Dad!

What, did you hop the gate?

You came.

I said I'd come.

I know but you came.

How could I miss it?

Manny. The first
member of my family

to ever graduate
from high school.

Wait a minute, don't you have a
brother in Colombia who's a doctor?

Yes.

He just does orthopedic
surgery. No brain or heart.

Think of it. Tomorrow I will
watch you stride across the stage,

with a sash, like a rebel's
bandolier, telling the world,

"No absence. No tardies."

Manny and I were gonna grill
some steaks and drink some beers.

Thank you, Jay, but
if it's all right with you

I would like to take Manny out
for a special father-son celebration.

Is that okay?
Well sure, I mean...

Made the effort to come.

Didn't have time to button
his shirt all the way up, but...

Go ahead. Perfect.

The night begins, but first...

Here.

Walk through this. (CHUCKLES)

You know, that
it smells terrible,

but I've never seen that
man get a mosquito bite.

There he is. The graduate.

I have one word for you, Luke.

Plastics. I don't think he
knows that movie, honey.

Mrs. Dunphy, are you
trying to seduce me?

Okay. Let's just give
him the gift, all right.

Okay, but first, gather
around, everybody.

Riddle me this.

What has two hands, is
wound tight and has a lot of ticks.

Alex? (LAUGHS)

Good guess, but no. This
was made in Switzerland,

not in the Disneyland Hotel.

Awesome. A watch.

We wanted to
give it to you early,

so you could wear it
to graduation today.

Yeah. It's shock-proof.

Good. You can
show it your grades.

I love it. What time is it?

Time for my little man
to go out in the world.

Make his mark.

Like the tiny trooper he
used to be. (EXHALES)

Hold on. I will be right back.

I remember when he was so small,

I'd give him a bath in the sink.

Here we go.

Dad, we really got to
talk about the crying.

When we graduated, you were
a mess and it was humiliating.

Showing emotion is part of
being a sexy, modern man.

And ask anyone who
was raised on Alan Alda.

I don't think we have to worry about
him going anywhere, any time soon.

He just installed a mini fridge
and a hammock in his room.

Mom. Dad. You
did all the hard work

getting me through high school.

You deserve a gift.

But what do you get
the Cadillac of parents?

A Rolls Royce.

Oh, my goodness.

How did you afford that?

It was only $2000. Huh?

Judge Thompson from the
club got me into a police auction.

If I had 40 more dollars you
would be looking at a speed boat.

So, what do you think?

It's... It's wow. Right?

I loved the macaroni necklace
he made me in first grade.

And I even used the perfume
he gave me in fifth grade,

but this car is so gaudy.

People are gonna think I
played for the Knicks in the 70's.

It's the most beautiful
gesture I have ever seen.

It's 100% class.

Hey, Mom. Didn't you say
you had some errands to run?

Oh, in a little while, I... Yeah,
but... Um, gosh, it's got fur.

It's like driving a lion.

Hey, before you
go, give us a honk.

All right.

(MELODIOUS HONK)

The horn doesn't help, does it?

So I have narrowed it down to
Swiss Coffee and Whispering White,

but I can't decide
between matte or satin.

I thought we landed on eggshell.

We decided against eggshell.

Why don't we just
sell the house?

Why don't we just
paint the floor eggshell

since that is what I
am walking on. Okay.

I forgot to give this to you.

Oh, thank you. Have a
good day at school, sweetie.

Bye, sweetie. It's fourth grade,

we're all just treading water.

What is it? Well, it's
from the principal's office.

Is she in trouble? No. She's...

Smart.

She is? That's what it says.

Are you sure it's
not for Lily Rosen?

You were at that science fair.
She brought that frog back to life.

This is for our Lily.

They're suggesting
she skip fifth grade

and go right into
middle school next year.

"Lily is testing above
her grade level..." What?

"And we feel she would benefit
from a more challenging curriculum."

(CHUCKLES) Huh.

I know. All these years
we thought that she was a...

(SIGHS) What's
the word? Different?

Peculiar? Odd?

Mean? So many words, but...

She was just really smart.

Holed up in her room every
day after school, she wasn't...

Plotting to kill us? I was
gonna say daydreaming.

They want us to tour the
school today if possible.

So exciting. Our
little baby is a genius.

(DOORBELL RINGS) You
know, I also skipped a grade.

I'm not saying I was a genius.

Good, because we are
getting along so well right now.

Oh, hi. Hi. Hey, hi. (KISSES)

Here you go. Thank you so much.

Hey. Guess what.

They want Lily
to skip fifth grade.

Traditionally, the person who says
guess what also gets to say the what.

Wait a second. Lily is smart?

I mean, there is proof of that?

Yeah, right here. Yes.

Huh. They asked Alex
to skip a grade too...

It's not a competition, Claire.

But we felt it would
be too much stress

to have her with
kids so much older.

Good for Lily. Yeah.

I always thought that
she was... You know.

So did we. Us too.

How was your big
night with Javier?

(GROANS) I overindulged.

Booze or burgers? Booze.

I drank so much I had an angry slap
fight with what turned out to be a mirror.

(CHUCKLES)

GLORIA: Do I hear my Manny?

When you're hungover
it's like a car alarm.

Oh. Hola, papi!

Happy graduation day.

(HORN BLOWING)

(LAUGHING)

That's delightful.

I need your sash and your gown.

So that I can press it. I don't
want anyone looking wrinkly.

I didn't mean you, but it is
fun that you are right there.

I left them at school.
I'll run over there.

Mama. I have a stomachache.

And my ankle is broken.

(GASPS) And you can
walk with your broken ankle.

I had a cousin get out
of Vietnam that way.

Whenever Manny is getting a lot
of attention, Joe gets very needy.

My head, my arm.
In Colombia we say,

"If it's not bleeding, shut
your guinea pig hole."

We actually do eat guinea pig.

Call me back, Dad,
it's an emergency.

What's wrong?

I kinda misplaced my
cap and gown and sash.

Maybe they're at that strip
club you went to last night.

Shh. How did you know?

It's all over your face.

My shame? Glitter.

Oh! Tell me what happened.

We picked up my graduation
stuff on the way and...

I don't know. I guess the
tassel got my dad thinking.

Why didn't you
leave them in the car?

I don't want them to get stolen.

And I may have taken it out to
impress a certain Chyna with a Y.

I think she really liked me.

I'm not gonna spoil
that one for you.

I graduate in five hours.

Get you another cap and gown.

That sash has been worn
by every honoree for decades.

I'm not gonna be
the one to lose it

after it survived
earthquakes and wars,

and the lunchroom
gravy fire of '64.

Fine. Where is this place?

I don't know. I remember there
was a lot of brass and mirrors

and loud 80's music.

Well, that narrows it down.

Wait. It was by the airport.

All right we will
find. I'll take you.

Don't worry. It will
be our little secret.

Thank you, Jay.

(SIGHS)

What happened to him?

I'm back. We need to
talk to you. Sit down.

What's going on?
Don't say anything.

Just watch.

Baby pictures of Luke?

More than baby pictures.

You're going to watch Luke
grow up to sappy music.

PHIL: Why are you doing this?

To get out all the
crying out of your system

so you don't melt
down at the graduation.

It's like when you
drink too much

and your friends
get you super wasted

so you never drink again
for the rest of the week.

(SOBS) It is the first
time he saw snow.

Oh, here, Dad.

Thank you.

His baby blanket? Why?

Nice car, Grey Gardens.

It was a gift from my son.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING)

(GROWLING)

You call that a tiger?

(GROWLING)

And we are very proud of our
state of the art computer lab.

It's so weird. Every time I
step into a middle school,

I feel like I'm 14
again, I... That's on me.

He wasn't gonna do anything.

How much is his
therapy costing again?

We used to think that was snark,

now we know it's wit. Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Peterson, we
just wanna be certain

that this environment
is the right fit for Lily.

We have a lot of experience
dealing with accelerated students.

But if Lily really is gifted, then
maybe there's another path.

Private schools,
although I do love

the diversity of
a public school.

On the other hand...
You know what,

we're just deciding if
she is gonna skip a grade,

we're not charting out the
next 20 years of her life.

Well, now, choices
have consequences.

If we don't do this
right, she could lose

all interest in
school and drop out.

And next thing you
know, we're supporting

her and her deadbeat boyfriend,

and our savings are drained
and then we have to sell the house.

Why do all your meltdowns have
to do with us selling the house?

We're gonna give
you guys a minute.

Okay. Lily, do you wanna
see the computer lab?

This feels like a good
time to tell you I'm adopted.

Maybe Claire is right.

Maybe it's too much
pressure for her to skip a grade.

"I did it. I'm fine."

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry. What does
that "Uh-huh" mean?

Well, perhaps
you're not the best

advertisement for
skipping a grade.

So wait. You're afraid
Lily's gonna turn out like me?

I'm just saying that
maybe you skipping a grade

put too much pressure on you

and exacerbated your
neurotic tendencies and now

you can't even make
a tiny little decision

about, you know...
(INHALES SHARPLY)

Paint. Wow.

I can't...

I don't have to...

You think you are so...

Can't decide how
to storm off, can you?

I...

Luke's first haircut.

He gave me bangs.

Well, that's it.

Hopefully you're all cried out.

Remember when he hid that
mousetrap under the pillow

to catch the tooth fairy?

Dad, we got to start getting
ready for the graduation.

Yeah, so maybe splash some cold
water on your face and wrap it up.

You guys remember the
Luke loves Daddy rap?

♪ My name is Luke
Dunphy And I'm here to say

♪ I love Daddy ♪

I thought you said he
would be cried out by now.

Dad, please. You
really gotta stop.

That's what he said when
I was the tickle monster.

(SOBBING)

Mama, now my tooth hurts.

Well, I guess you
can't have cake today.

Well, it's just my leg.

Claire, I guess I'm
picking up the cake myself

because you didn't
answer my messages.

(CLAIRE GROWLS)

Hey Claire. You having
fun at the gym town?

As a matter of fact, I am.

This is my new friend Charlie.

He loves dinosaurs and tomorrow

we're both gonna have pink eye.

Hi, Charlie. Can you go and find

the negligent adult
that brought you here?

Oh, do you have to go so
soon? He smells so good.

Yeah. You're like two
sniffs away from a felony.

What is going on?

I gave Phil such a hard time

for being too emotional
about Luke's graduation,

but I think it's hitting me
more than I want to admit.

I know. It happened so fast.

Luke used to love coming here.

Today, he gave us a Rolls Royce.

The one outside is yours?

I thought I was going to be
able to meet Mr. Burt Reynolds.

You're lucky. When Manny
goes, you still have Joe.

Yeah, but it doesn't make it hurt
any less, we just have to face it.

They're not boys
anymore, they're men.

Luke has a job. He's dating.

He can serve on a jury.
God, that's terrifying.

I know. Manny ditched
us last night to go drinking.

He thinks I don't
know, but I know.

He smelled like a
sweaty peppermint.

I saw the pictures that he
texted Luke from the strip club.

Is that where Javier took him?

Oh, you did not
know that. I'm sorry.

But it looked like one of
the classier establishments.

The girl that was sitting on
Manny's lap had on a really cute top,

at least in the first picture.

The one time that I thought that
he was going to be a good father.

And he teaches Manny how
to be a dog. I'm gonna kill him.

Hey, look at me. I'm
about to talk to a stranger.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Yes. This
is it. This is the one.

It wasn't this
depressing last night.

The lunch scene
in the strip joint

is like a refugee
camp with less hope.

Excuse me.

Uh, my friend left some personal
belongings here last night.

Anything left behind goes
in the lost and found box.

Thank you.

A jacket, glasses...

Hair piece, I hope.

What about my stuff? Nope.

There's a lot of wedding
rings in here though.

Sir, we're in a big hurry. Have
you seen a cap and gown and sash?

MAN: Gentlemen, put your
hands together for Val the Dictorian.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN CHEERING)

She definitely looks
like she knows stuff.

Credit where credit is due,

she put together a pretty
solid act in very little time.

Can't you just please
help me get my stuff back?

Miss.

Miss.

Val, hi.

Here's the thing.
The gown, everything,

he actually left
'em here last night.

MANNY: I was having
a tete-a-tete with Chyna.

She probably mentioned
me. Hope I didn't lead her on.

See, I'm going to college soon
and I don't want any loose ends.

I'm in the middle of my act.

Sure, but the thing is,
he's gotta get it back, so,

if you could strip a little
more in our direction.

I'm such a screw up.

(SCOFFS) Integrity. It should
say perverted schnapps maniac.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, God. It smells like
Miss Dictorian's perfume.

I can't wear this. I'm a fraud.

No absence? I've got
one big absent. My soul.

Manny, you spent your
whole life trying to be perfect.

And this has thrown
you for a loop. I get it.

But if you just look around
this room, you will realize,

people make mistakes.

You could do way worse
than you did last night

and it ain't gonna
change a thing.

So, my advice. Try to be
a little easier on yourself.

(INDISTINCT WHISTLING)

Thanks, Jay.

Oh, God, there's Chyna.

Pretending to ignore me. She's
as transparent as her pumps.

James Earl Carter.

Have you seen my boo boo?

Oh, poor baby. (KISSES)

WOMAN: Ingrid Cortez.

(INDISTINCT CHEERING)

Can you please move
over? I have to kill someone.

WOMAN: Charles Marc Holsten.

I hope that you
had fun last night.

Oh, I did. It was
a magical time.

I can't believe... Me neither.

Look at our son over
there, eh? He is perfect.

Yeah. Then you come along
and you expose him to all this...

Me? It was you who exposed
him to so many amazing things.

You raised him to be a
wonderful man without my help.

Every single thing that is good
about him is because of you.

I'm sorry? I'm sorry.

Thank you for being the
finest mother to our son.

Damn it. You're welcome.

I am sorry about earlier. It's not
that I don't want Lily to be like you.

No, hey, you're right,
okay? I'm an indecisive mess.

Of course I don't
want that for her.

And for the record, I don't
want her to be like me either.

It's not like I'm an
overachiever. That's true.

You jumped on
that one pretty quick.

If you care about what
I think, I wanna skip.

Are you sure, sweetie?
Because it's a lot of pressure.

I can handle it.

What about all your friends?
I mean, look at these kids.

A lot of them have known
each other since kindergarten.

I'll make new friends.
Kids really like me.

So... she's popular?
(SOFTLY) I don't know.

Phil, I am sorry I
gave you grief earlier.

Today has hit me much
harder than I thought it would.

It's okay to be emotional.

It's too late.
I'm all cried out.

It's like there is no more
moisture left in my body.

I'm afraid if I blink,
my eyes will get stuck.

Hmm, really?

Do you remember that video,

where the lion greets
the man and hugs him.

He hasn't seen him for 20 years.

Yup. I sure do. I am...

dead inside.

WOMAN: Manuel Alberto Delgado.

(CHEERING)

Manny!

You did it buddy.

WOMAN: Lucas Philip Dunphy.

(CHEERING)

CLAIRE: My baby. My baby.

Well done, son.

(SOBS) Remember how cute he was

in his little Buzz
Lightyear costume?

Or how he used to
say birfday and library?

He still does.

This is... tearing me up.

Congrats, buddy.

Why does your gown
smell like Haley's perfume?

Uh...

This is a fun game, isn't
it? But you know what?

Maybe one where
we just sat at a table...

Hey. Hey.

Congratulations on the first, of
what I'm sure will be many diplomas.

Unless you wanna skip all that,

move to Colombia and
become a radiologist.

Thanks for helping me
with the cap and gown mess.

I don't know what I would
have done without you.

I'm just happy you and
your dad got to have

some father-son time last night.

Yeah.

What?

It's just... With me
graduating and everything...

I kinda wanted to say...

You and me, today. You know...

That's what I think
of as father-son time.

Let me tell you something.

After my divorce,

my rule for dating was no kids.

And then you and
your mom came along

and all that went
right out the window.

What I'm trying to say is...

Here's to you, son.

You know, I'm still
kinda hungover.

You're a man now. Power through.

The thing is, we love the car.
We were so moved by the gesture.

(SOBS) So moved. Hey, I'm back.

I guess I just
needed to rehydrate.

Oh.

But we can't keep it.

Honey, it's just too generous.

But I love you guys so much.

You are the graduate.
You need the car. It's yours.

I don't know what to say.

How about, "Nailed it"?

I wanted that sweet ride
from the moment I saw it.

But I knew my parents
would never let me get it.

I also knew they'd never
keep it if I gave it to them, so...

If there were any SAT questions
about tricking your parents,

I'd be going to college.

Come on, you guys. Let's roll.

You guys leaving already?

Yeah, we all have plans.

Wait... Lily.

There are nine
girls who will freak

if I don't make an
appearance at Jenna's.

I'm confused. Is she fun?

Hang on.

I think we just
passed a bathroom.

Ooh. Nice ride.

Bye bye. See you later.

Bye bye. Bye.

Oh, my gosh. Luke is driving.

They didn't even stay for
dessert. (MELODIOUS HONK)

Oh, God, they're really gone.

So sad.

But isn't it what we hoped for?

Yeah. Yeah.

A toast...

We raised them to be
independent and now

they're out in the world
having their own lives. We did it.

To us. Salud.

(SIGHS) Sorry I
missed the first part,

but I'll drink to
whatever you're toasting.

Top me off.

Uh... What you doing?

I'm just trying to see if
there is anything else

about Lily we
haven't noticed like...

She plays golf?

No, we would know.
Aren't there green fees?

What about this? Huh?

La Dolce Vita?

She likes Italian films?

No wonder she thought Ice
Age: Collision Course was boring.

I liked it.

What else?

(GASPS) A photo of Lily
shaking hands with the Governor?

What? When?

Okay. Maybe we need to
start paying more attention.

Or, if it ain't broke...

She is fine. She is fine.