Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - The Long Goodbye - full transcript

Hey, Mitchell. Claire.
Saturday morning.

Look, I need you to buy Mom
a birthday present

and say it's from
the both of us.

Okay, thanks. Bye-bye --

No, I know it's not
a voicemail.

I just don't want
to hear you whine about it.

No, no, no,
those are for Alex.

I'm taking them
up to her dorm today.

You know how stressed
she gets.

She can always use
a little comfort

from her loving mom.



Why does Alex
get a care package
and not me?

You live
in a care package.

Haley, put your face on
and get up here!

We're gonna be late
for work!

I'm saving up to get
my own apartment,

so I've been working
at the club with Luke.

For Luke.

Kid's my best cart girl.

I deliver drinks
to golfers.

Tips are good, but, uh...
it took me a couple days

to learn the finer points
of the game.

Cocktails, boys?

On your left.

Is that Alex's old bike?



Yes, totally rebuilt.

It only took me
three months

and two tetanus shots.

She's been dropping hints
about wanting some wheels.

Are you sure
she didn't mean a --

Unicycle? No.
She definitely said "wheels."

Well, the basket's perfect
for loading up the toiletries.

Remember last time
we went up there?

She was washing her hair
with the powdered soap

from the ladies room.

Alex is an intelligent,
accomplished--

You can just say it.
Scatterbrain.

Sometimes,
she studies so hard

she forgets
about the little things.

I'll be at the library.

Uh, honey...aren't
you forgetting something?

Oh!
That was close.

God.

I'm on it.

So, this is the place
I'll call home

for the next four years.

And because
you're a theater major,

probably the biggest apartment
you'll ever have.

There are two things
I want to avoid

my first day of school --

getting caught leaving
the shower in my aqua shoes,

and a tearful goodbye.

My classmates are gonna see me

cry eventually.

I'd prefer it be during
a curtain call.

I am Colombian,

So it's against my nature
to give Manny what he wants --

a cold,
white-people goodbye.

But I know
he's sensitive,

and he's having a hard time
leaving the nest,

so I'm gonna
give it to him.

Good luck, chum.

Where do you want
your espresso machine?

On my desk is fine.

And don't worry,
Trevor.

We'll pay for the beans

with the money
from our swear jar.

Don't forget --
no coffee after 4:00,

or you get the nightmares.

I think I can take it
from here.

Thank you both
for all of your help.

Sure thing.

We will keep in touch,
son.

Well, my friend,

you have just witnessed
the rare perfect goodbye.

History records but few
flawless farewells --

Oscar Wilde's
deathbed bon mot,

Rhett Butler not
giving a --

Damn it.

I left my white noise machine
at home.

Now I have to go
back there

and risk ruining
our perfect goodbye.

But you're gonna thank me,
Trevor.

There's something soothing
about constant background noise

that...Trev?

One gin and tonic.

I hope you're not...
driving.

Sorry, that's usually a big hit
with the golfers.

It was hilarious.

But I'm trying to avoid
laugh lines.

I get that.

I don't want crow's feet,
so I never squint,

even if a cop is shining
his flashlight

directly in my eyes.

Once a week, I sleep
in a wetsuit full of Vaseline.

It shows.

It was like meeting myself
in 30 years.

Turns out, I really held up.

Good morning,
Ms. Rappaport.

Oh, hello...

Duke, is it?
Yes.

Haley, shouldn't you be getting
back to your cart?

Rhonda asked me
to sit down.

There's a rule against staff
fraternizing with members,

and you wouldn't want
to make trouble

for whoever
stuck their neck out
to get you this job.

Oh, I recommend sticking
your neck out.

It's the only nonsurgical way
to prevent champagne chin.

Speaking of which, um...
Oh, here. Let me get --

Oh, no, no, no,
You sit. He's up.

You can top me off,
too, Duke.

I am loving
this new smoothie kick.

I-I feel like I've had
more green vegetables today

than my dad's had
in a lifetime.

What I love
about your smoothie kick

is how much you talk
about it.

Okay, if you're gonna be mean,
be funny.

Aim for the bumps.

Cal likes a bit of a bumpy ride
on account

of I drove a tractor
into my fourth trimester.

Oh, that sound
makes me so nervous.

Some poor family is about
to have their life

turned upside down.

Huh, they seem to be
turning down our street.

Um...
I'm gonna take this outside.

So, I-I know that they're --
they're heroes and all,

but a-are they sweeping up
or is that on us?

Okay, you know what?
We're gonna have

to totally rebuild,
down to the studs.

I'm distraught.

Are ya?

I'm not saying
Cam definitely set the fire.

It could have been anyone
who's spent years

searching for a way to justify
the remodel of our kitchen.

Are you actually accusing me
of starting this fire

just so we could rebuild
our hideous kitchen?

Uh, accusing, no.

But when you say things like
"hideous kitchen,"

it does make me wonder.

This could be the cause.

Most kitchen fires start
in the oven.

Oh, my God, did --
did I leave the oven on?

Well, it appears we found
our smoking "bun."

Oh, she's been here
all summer,

so this could be
pretty rough.

Remember last time
there was a rat in her room?

She's a scientist.
She said it was part of a study.

Honey, it was in a cereal box.
Okay, time to be heroes.

Change a bed sheet,
change the world.

That's right.

Oh, I completely forgot
you guys were coming.

Wow, um...

Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.

I wasn't expecting you guys,
so...sock.

Oh, is that my old bike?

Yep!

Spruced it up for you.
That's great.

I actually just bought
a new one, though.

Oh.

Guess you can use that one
for parts.

What do we have here?
An electric mitten holder.

It's a rock-paper-scissors robot
I just built.
What?!

Its sensors anticipate
your next move.

Maybe for civilians.

But I've been trained in the art
of sleight of...hand!

At last...

a worthy opponent.

Honey, I got you
some snacks

that don't crumb up
quite so easily.

I'll just tuck them away
in this...

fully-stocked snack cabinet.

Don't forget the paper towels,
the paper plates,

and the toilet --
Rock! How?!

Seems like you're doing
really, really well here.

Okay, well, I have to get
to the robotics lab.
Mm-hmm.

But, uh, thank you so much
for visiting.

Oh, honey.

Mm. You seem to be
doing so well.

Shampoo.

We're so proud
of you, Alex.

And not just because
you've built

a nearly unbeatable robot.

Damn it!

Okay, well, uh...

bye, you guys.
Bye!

Bye, honey.
Bye, honey.

She is really coming
into her own, huh?

Look what we did.

I don't know if we can take
all the credit.

She wasn't like that
before she got here.

You know what?
We drove her here, honey.

We drove her here.

Ah. Two mustards.
No one needs that.

We'll take that one home.

That is her new dress.

She was so excited about
getting this.

Why would she
throw it out?

Do you think
something's going on?

Maybe -- Maybe all of
the cleaning and the organizing

is like a --
a coping mechanism.

Yeah, between that

and the muted response
to the bike...

I don't know.
You think we should talk to her?

I wasn't even playing.

Boom! Damn it.

Gun to my head, my top three --
cheddar, Swiss, gouda.

As someone who has actually had
a gun to her head,

cheese is not
what they're going to ask about.

And now crackers.

What are you doing?

This is awkward.

I need a boy cave.

I'm telling you, it's the
Hawaiian shirt of crackers.

It goes with everything.

I'm not here, okay?

You put a lock
on the closet?

That's where I'm gonna
put Santa Claus

when I catch him.

Sleeping pills in his cookies.

Joe, who are you
talking to?

Ay.
Oh, geez.

We dropped you off at college
two hours ago.

My God,
even Haley lasted longer.

I needed
my white noise machine.

Or did you need
your brown noise machine?

No, and I think
I'm offended for you.

It looks like you forgot that
on purpose

so that you could
come back to the nest.

Some "nest."

Joe is taking over
my room,

and you two think
I'm a wimp.

Not wimp, just soft.

And very, very scared.

Okay, can everyone please
stop talking

so we can salvage
our perfect goodbye?

What's with the padlock?

Let me ask you something --

How would you like to have
Christmas every day?

Okay, I've put everything
out here

from the kitchen
that we're gonna need.

You know what?
This is gonna be fun.

It's like camping!

Which is it --
fun or like camping?

I'm gonna take
a shower.
Eh-eh-eh!

Can't take a shower without
doing a load of dishes.

And remember --
scratchy side pot,

soft side you, okay?

Cam, this is crazy.

What -- What if I wanted
to make a cup of tea?

Couldn't be simpler.

Grab a tea kettle
from the credenza,

warm it up on the hot plate
with the water that you've used

from the hose that I snaked in
through the window,

browse the tea on the mantel,
and then grab our tea cup --

Where -- Oh!
Lily, do our tea cup first!

Y'all need to move that
'fridgerator in your hall.

It is straight under
little Cal's crib,

and the noise
is keeping him up...

which is weird because
he was conceived

in a slaughterhouse.

But I thought --
Just move it!

You...

They figure out
what started that fire?

Yeah, they think
it was the oven.

Well, that's dumb.

I turned the oven off
'fore we went on our walk.

You did?
Yeah,

'cause I'm the only
responsible person around here.

Aw, dang it!
Cal rolled off the sofa again!

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

There's a small chance
I definitely started the fire.

Mitchell?
My smoothie
was a little thick.

This is convenient.
Huh?

There's something
I need to show you.

Yeah. What is it? Over here.
Over here. Let's look.

It's a vision board
for my dream kitchen

I've been hiding behind
your workout clothes.
Ah.

I-I-I think I accidentally,
on purpose,

subconsciously, willfully,
burned our kitchen down.

Okay. I-I don't --
I don't know about that.

Um --
No. Let's face it.

Like Drew Barrymore,
I'm an adorable fire starter.

Hey, um...is this
why we never have any tape?

Yes. I'm a menace,
which is why you deserve

to be in charge
of this entire remodel.

Anything you say goes.

Cam, you're about to feel
a lot better

because

I don't hate this toaster,

and I think
I can find a place for it.

That's great.

I could get used
to this.

I have, which is why I need
to snag another meal ticket

before my late husband's
fracking money runs out.

It's okay.
You can swear in front of me.

How about that guy over there,
playing tennis?

He's in good shape.

Right?

No, that's a negative.

I want my guys'
tennis balls

to be at the end
of their walkers.

Okay.
Uh, how about, uh...

that guy over there?

I think that's just
an abandoned golf bag,

but you're starting
to get me.

You know, would you like to be
my personal assistant?

What would I have to do?

Apart from helping me
find a new husband,

it's mostly...
hanging out, drinking,

going to parties.

I am perfect for this.

I have so many references.

Okay, uh...

Oh, what about that guy
going to play shuffleboard --

Mr. Voorhees?

Uh, he's a little younger
than I normally do.

If it helps,
he always orders

from the HeartSmart side
of my cocktail menu.

You are good at this.
Mm-hmm.

Let me go give that pacemaker
something to do.

Haley, you're supposed to be
on the course serving drinks.

I'm busy, Luke.

We can't have people
golfing sober.

They'll realize
it's a waste of time.

I'm not even sure I want to be
a cart girl anymore.

Rhonda asked me to be
her personal assistant.

I know this isn't
the most glamorous job,

but...it offers
more of a future

than being an assistant
to some gold digger.

Hello?

Hey, good news --
Voorhees has a friend,

and he wants to fly us all
to San Francisco tonight.

You're on
a good path here.

You're making money.

There's opportunity
for advancement.

It's gonna be great.

Best hotels,
best restaurants,

round-the-clock nursing.

You're better
than her, Haley.

I'm in.
Oh, good.

The car will pick us up
at 5:00, right after dinner.

Why do I even bother?

It's like what I say to you
goes in one ear...

out the other.
Mm.

Don't know about you,

but I am ready to live
on my own.

Yep, it was a big responsibility
taking care of my parents,

but I left a good man
on the job.

Come on.

Gloria, you messed up the TV,

and now I can't watch
my program!

Remember
how you told me to say something

when you sound old?

Ah, never mind.
I fixed it.

Aww.

Look at these
beautiful flowers.

Where did they come from?

Not a clue.

Aww, you.

Joe?

What are you making?

According to this,
an ancient beverage

enjoyed by sultans
and scoundrels.

"Bring in the paper,
make coffee...

pick up
Jay's dirty socks."

Why are you doing
all this?

Manny says
it's my job now.

Manny was doing
all these things?

And I was so happy
that you were

picking up after yourself.

I haven't picked up socks
since the '70s.

Huh, all this time,

we're thinking
we're coddling Manny,

and Manny
was coddling us.

I am going to call him

and tell him
what a good boy he is.

Gloria, if you call him
all worked up,

he'll be in tears
in two seconds.

What he wanted
was a nice clean exit.

We have to stay strong
and give him that.

I guess.
I say we distract
ourselves.

I'll go to the club,
crack some inappropriate jokes,

rank the astronauts,
fall asleep in the sauna.

Okay. Have fun.

I'll go shopping
with Joe.

For toys?

No. For shoes.

I'm the one that is sad,
not you.

Whoa. How cool.

Just stay focused, Phil.

Honey, honey.

No matter how realistic
these robots get,

I'm always going
to love you.

Thank you.

Oh. There she is.

Hi! Hi!
Honey!

Uh, excuse me,
that's a clean room.

You can't go in there without
putting on a sterile suit

and taking an air shower

to remove
all possible contaminants.

They really are
lifelike.

I think you should
handle this.

I don't, uh...
I don't want to overwhelm

our -- our daughter.

Yes.

What are you doing?

That was designed to perform
cardiovascular surgery.

Oh.

I'm -- I'm --
I'm so sorry.

Um....where --
where are the fun ones?

Okay.

I didn't hate that.

Mom, what are you
doing here?

Okay, well, your father and I
were leaving your room,

and we noticed, oh,

you'd thrown out that cute dress
you love so much.

And I thought to myself,
"Why? Why would she do that?"

And I thought maybe --
maybe you tried to wear it

for a boy,
to impress him,

and it didn't go well,
and it made you feel bad.

Or, maybe I just didn't
like the dress.

Or my thing.

No, it's my fault
you yelled at me.

You kids here are under
extreme pressure.

Extreme pressure.

You fool.

Dad...
Alex.

Did I ever tell you
about a certain male cheerleader

who over-rotated
during a Flying Half Toby?

He limped his way back
to his dorm room

and threw out
his favorite outfit,

because harem pants
are for winners.

Guys, I'm fine!

Why do you keep trying
to solve a problem

that doesn't exist?
I don't know.

Maybe we just want to feel
like you still need us.

But look at you.
You don't need anything.

Which is terrific.

You're our little superstar
who can do anything.

I'm not. I'm not.

I totally, totally, totally
don't feel that way.

Shut up!

Is something wrong?

Okay, fine.

If you really must know,

I've been kind of feeling
like an outsider here.

It's come to my attention
that I may be

a bit of a show-off.

There's a proof in my advanced
mathematical chaos class.

It's been on the board all year.
No one could solve it.

Until one night in bed,
it just came to me.

And of course I had to put on
my best dress for my big moment.

Class dismissed.

I just never want to see
that stupid dress again.

Honey, people are
always gonna be

intimidated by your intellect.

Maybe it's time you showed them
some of your vulnerability.

How have they not seen it?

I've been an awkward nerd
my whole life.

Everywhere but here.

Sweetheart, here...

you're Haley.

Excuse me.

I know it's stinks!
It's a work in progress.

No, you, uh...
just dropped this.

Oh. Thanks.

And, actually, you've got
nothing to worry about.

You're way further along
than I am.

I'm kind of freaking out.

Really?

I built a rock-paper-scissors
robot, and it sucks.

- I beat it 8 out of 10 times.
- What?

Hey, if you're not too busy
right now,

do you think maybe
you'd want

to help me with mine
a little bit?

Sure.

Nice work, partner.

That was a clinic.

Yeah, we are parenting
at the highest possible level.

Highest possible level.

You fools!

Aaaaaah!

Hi.

So, I called the hotel
like you asked.

Mini-bar's stocked
with rosé and Ensure.

And I canceled
the one reservation.

Who's not coming?

About that,
uh, we need to talk.

Okay.

It's locked.

Mr. Voorhees was
a little too excited

to hear that the cart girl
was tagging along.

I'm sorry,
but I can't risk being upstaged

by a hot-to-trot
30-year-old.

Kind of rounded up there.

Um...so, I'm just out

as your assistant,
like that?

It's harder on me
than it looks.

I feel really...

Go ahead.

There's a foursome
on the seventh green

that looks thirsty.

Thanks, boss.

Luke! Luke,
you will not regret

hiring your first
male cart girl.

I didn't mention,

but I've been
in a really dark place.

Hey, do you mind if I ditch
the kerchief?

Yeah...

might want to hand over
your belt and shoelaces, too.

Take a walk with me,
Reuben.

You're low on frozen mangoes.
Put it on your list.

Oh, and get me a box
of lady sticks.

What -- What --
What are you making?

I'm making one
of your fruit smoothies.

Oh, Pam --
All right, I'm making one
of your homosexual smoothies.

Hey --

What the hell?
Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh!
Okay.

Get the hose! Get the hose!
It's in the window!

Oh, Mitchell!
Hurry!

I bet that's
what started the fire.

Well, h-how can it be

when that's the first time
it's sparked ever?

Yeah, it was the oven.

I turned that off.
I told Mitchell.

She did?
Did you? I --

See, I feel like
I'd remember that.

You let me think I burned down
the kitchen when you did?

It was the only way for
me to get a say in the remodel.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

I let you pick things.

Really? Name one thing
in this room that was my idea.

Oh, just one --
one thing?
One thing. Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, fine.

Oh, how --
how about the blanket?

Yeah, because you said
it reminded you of the blanket

you used to lay on
at your grandparents' house

and eat your caramel corn
when you watched

Mary Lou Retton vault her way
into America's heart.

What are you talking about?

Are -- Are you seriously trying
to incept a memory in my mind

to make me believe
that I chose that blanket?

Oh, kind of like you made me
think I burned down our kitchen?

Okay, whoa.

Why do we keep doing this
to each other?

I know. Are we so broken
that we can't even be honest?

Speaking of broken,
how about a new blender?

Chop chop --

That is both the brand
and when I want it!

Um...okay.

I have a theory...

...uh, that lets us both
off the hook.

I'm inclined to be
on board.

Um, we both can agree
that your sister

can be a bit of a bully.
Yes.

I'm sure growing up,

the only way to get your way
was to be manipulative.

It might also be said
you grew up oppressed

by one of history's
great monsters --

your sister, Claire.

Exactly.
We're not terrible.

They are.
They are.

Jay?
Hey.

I found this
under your bed.

I figured
you might be able to use it.

I mean,
you don't want to be

the only kid in art school
without a beret.

Thanks.
Since you're here,

you want to meet
my new roommate?

- Huh. His stuff's gone.
- Knock, knock!

Hi, Jay.
What are you doing here?

I thought you were
at the club.

You said you were
going shopping.

I was...

but then I saw
this little pillow.

Look -- "Wake Up,
Kick Ass, Repeat."

Isn't it so Manny?

Thanks, Mom.

So, you got your hat,
so I'm gonna...

Look, if I didn't
say it...

it's a big deal,
you going here.

Good job.

Well, if I didn't say it,

I-I couldn't have done it
without you.

What are we doing?

We can hug.
We're family.
Yeah.

We are, you know.
We're family.

I'll try to make you proud.

You already have.

Let me in here!

Thank you for taking
good care of us.

Well, that's what you do
for the people you love.

They love you, too!

Damn it!

Damn it!

There's no shame
in admitting defeat.

You don't understand.
He's getting tired.

He's not tired.
That's the point.

He's a machine.
Just once,

would you believe in me?!

As my wife, aren't you supposed
to be my -- Rock!

Damn it!

What does every mother tell her
kid not to run with?

Paper! Damn it!

My hand's getting tired.

Oh, I'm --
I'm so sorry, buddy.

Why didn't you say so?

Fist bump.

Ha! Loser!
No.

And still champion!