Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - A Stereotypical Day - full transcript

Oh! Oh.

Good morn-ing.

- Hmm.
- Oh.

How did I spend
my summer vacation?

I got over my breakup with Andy.

I got a job
at Grandpa's country club.

- I got mono.
- Too close!

Put your mask on!

No one misses two weeks
at Caltech and catches up.

What am I gonna do?

Well, honey,
I think you need to focus



on getting
a little bit stronger,

a little bit healthier
and just a little farther.

How do nerds even get mono?

Did you all practice
by kissing the same pillow?

Shouldn't you be at work by now?

I got fired.

My plan was to hide it from my
parents until I got a new job,

but with smarty-pants Alex home,

I had to be more careful, or
she was going to figure it out.

Her being super-sick is coming
at a really bad time for me.

You got in late last night, huh?

Yeah. It was payday,

and a game of craps
broke out in the kitchen.

See this watch?
Enrique's grandfather's.



You're giving it back, and
remember, the second that job

interferes with your grades,
you're done.

Did you finish
your history report?

Just got to dot the I's
and cross the T's...

and put in
all the other letters.

It's okay, everybody!

I'm alive!

I had a traumatic experience
after an open house.

Have a good one.

Oh, no.

Aaaaaaah.

Monday lunch, Monday dinner.

Tuesday
breakfast, Tuesday lunch.

Welcome home.

Open house went great.
Lots of interested buyers.

Fun fact -- Some stranger,
probably a long time ago,

wrote
their last will and testament

right here on your wall.

Trust me on this.

Did nobody notice
I was gone for 18 hours?

Why aren't you all
making posters?

I figured
you were in your office.

I went to bed
really early last night,

and when I woke up this morning,
I thought you'd gone for a run.

Alex?
I can't believe this!

Well, honey, the important
thing is that you are okay.

Now, I'm very sorry,
but I've got to get to work.

We are bidding a big job
against my old nemesis,

Closets, Closets,
Closets, Closets.

I'm back in there.

I want to live outside.

No, Señor, we're not having
that argument anymore.

Mowgli lives outside.

Is Mowgli
that dirty kid at his preschool

whose parents drive the car
that runs on French fry oil?

No. It's that dirty kid that
runs around The Jungle Book.

Jay, tell him he can't.

First time I saw Tarzan,
I wanted to live outside.

Dad said fine. I walked
in the woods, met a hobo.

Taught me how to open a can
with a bird's beak.

That story's not helping!

I'm doing it.

No! Jay!

Of course not.

Why learn self-reliance
when the industrial machine

depends on constant consumption?

No eggs for me.
I'll be having porridge.

Are you really still doing this?

Over the summer, I went to a
wedding in Juárez and met Frida,

this amazing girl
who enlightened me

to how Communism
can rid the world of injustice.

Mm.
What a beautiful reception.

Yeah.

Oh, right.
That's a bad thing.

I live simply now,
and it's good for me.

Might it also help my chance
of kissing her one day? Yes.

And if that requires
living in a world

where the government
chooses all our songs, so be it.

I'm gonna take a coffee

to the guy putting up
the security cameras.

It's not coffee the laborers
need, Jay. It's dignity.

And I'm going to fight for that

until my fingers are raw
and my back is bent.

Six months ago, we took you
to the dermatologist

for taking
too many bubble baths.

- Brought you this.
- Oh, thanks.

- Almost done here.
- Take your time.

Important thing is...

Oh, no.

Guess what.

A black family's moving in
right across the street

the same day my security
cameras are going up.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I made the appointment weeks ago

right after the break-in
down the street.

But they'll think I made
the call the minute I saw them

because I'm a racist old man.

Why would the neighbors just
assume that you're a racist?

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria.

You'll never understand the
stereotypes old white men face.

Goal!

Nice shot, Tom.

Do you want to play with us?

You know, I'm off
contact sports right now.

I twisted my ankle
playing running charades,

but you two should get ready
for dance class.

Okay, go.
Go, go, go!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, why do you
look so satisfied?

Did you just listen
to an NPR story

that proved you right
about something?

No, no, but you know Tom,

the friend
that Lily's playing with?

Well, I know of him. We haven't
formally been introduced.

Well, it turns out that Tom
used to identify as... Tina.

Oh, I wish
you wouldn't have told me.

You know how proud I am
of my gender identificadar.

Well, Tom's been having
some problems at school,

and -- and Lily has been
really respectful of him.

Oh, she is so sweet.

She really is.

She gets all the credit
on this one.

Uh-huh.

This so doesn't matter.

We raised her
to have an open mind.

Totally.
We deserve some kudos here, too.

There's enough kudos
for everyone.

You know, a kudo would be an excellent
name for a parenting award.

Oh, thank you, Gwyneth.

Lily, if you're still watching,
go to bed.

Get out of here, you weirdo!

Part of being the boss
is being a bummer.

It was hard at first,
but I've learned to accept it...

mostly.

It's really been -- Oh.

Margaret,
you knew I was in here.

Sorry.
I just had some messages.

Luke's guidance counselor --

Luke fell asleep in class again.

Haley's car payment is late.

And the credit-card company.

Phil made a large purchase

Tell the creative team
to get their giggles out.

I'll be ready for them in 10.

But when you've been the bummer
all day at work,

you don't love having to be
the bummer at home, too.

Hi, honey. Is your brother
around? I need to yell at him.

Of course he's around.

Why would he leave me in peace

to do some work
at the kitchen table

when he could
just barge in and --

Luke! Game down!

This is your senior year,

also known
as your last year to not suck.

- Honey.
- Dad, you hit "place order" once,

and then you wait
for the confirmation.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry! Be smart!

That angry screeching

was the sweet sound
of my new home bummer.

I'm just so tired
and in pain and irritable.

It just makes me so mad
at everyone.

Sorry for yelling, Mom.
Why were you calling again?

I forgot.

Damn it, Mom!
Write it down next time!

All right.

Here we are.

Okay. Don't forget to give
Funkmaster Linda her check

for today's class.

- Bye, Tom.
- Bye, Tom.

Hey, Lily.
Can you hang back a second?

I shouldn't. Linda says
being late is wiggity-wack.

We just want to know
why you called Tom a weirdo

back at the house.

I don't know.

Okay, well, we don't
make fun of people

who are different, okay?

- You know how hard it was
for Daddy and me? - Yeah.

Growing up in Missouri,
I was so mistreated

that one of my best friends
was an old scarecrow

I found in the creek.

Some of your stories
would be more impactful

with fewer details.

Fine. I won't do it again.
Can I go now?

Okay, but -- but do you understand
why what you did is wrong?

Yes!

Well, this bothers me.

They're getting along great,
and then one little spat,

and her instinct
is to go all baby bigot on him?

Well --
and I say this with love --

she did just get back
from spending a full summer

with your family in Missouri.

Oh. So we're blaming
my family, then?

I'm -- I'm just saying maybe
when she gets back from there,

she needs to be reminded
of our values.

You know -- un-hick her.

Oh, the H-bomb!

Possibly the most offensive slur

ever thrown around in the South.

Well... y--

Look,
I-I love those people, too,

but you did just admit

they can be a little
close-minded down there.

Well, they are a little bit
set in their ways.

It was actually illegal to run
for mayor without a mustache

- until 1980.
- See? It's --

- And then again from '82 to '85.
- Okay.

Input.

Input!

Please don't throw
the remote again.

Oh, I was just, like,
trying to get signal.

Don't blame me about
breaking the other ones.

One got stepped on,

and the other one
fell down the garbage disposal.

You're not even trying.

Anyways, stop worrying
about the remote control

and worry about your own dog.

She's peeing in the corner.

Maybe if you ever
leave her outside,

she will guard us,
and we wouldn't need cameras.

First of all, Stella's
not peeing in the corner,

because I housebroke her myself.

Second of all, no dog of mine
should ever have to work.

There he is.
There's my old pal.

- Jay.
- How you doing, huh?

I'm so glad you called.

I haven't been good about seeing
people since Reynetta left.

Did you hear?
She started dating my brother!

Listen, it's such a nice day.
Let's go outside.

Isn't your backyard nicer?

Nah.
It's all pool and chairs.

So, how you been, buddy?

I want to tell you everything
is okay so you won't worry,

- but things have been real bad.
- You know what might help?

You pop that hat off, you get
a little sun on your face.

Ooh!
The sun is rough on my eyes.

I cry almost every day.

Pretty much, the only time I'm
happy is when I clean my gun.

Yeah, life, huh?
Here, give me a hug.

- There you go.
- Oh.

- There you go.
- You're a good friend, Jay.

You got your own problems,
but you're right there for me.

Damn it!

Why do you need them to know
you have a black friend?

I'm putting security cameras in
the same day they move in.

I'm mad about that,
but it feels good to be held.

Come here.
Come here.

Flashbacks,
nightmares, anxiety --

My imprisonment in the closet

resulted in all the symptoms
of PTSD.

My insurance company
helped me to find a therapy dog

and agreed to cover everything,

and then they found out
I wasn't in the military.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Alex, honey, could you
help me reset the router?!

Oh! No.

Bad luck!
Bad luck!!

Alex's laptop
had every piece of homework

she ever did in high school.

It was the Holy Grail...

I think.

Thanks to Alex's hard work,

I don't know what that is
and never will.

Not again!

Oh, Dad,
I didn't know you were home.

Haley, thank God.

Could you reset
the router for me?

I would, but I took
a late lunch from work,

which I have
to get back to work.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

I think I'm just
hyperventilating.

Should pass in
like 20 minutes or s-so.

Okay, well, I'm gonna head back.

Wouldn't want
to be consistently late

and get fired, right?

Alex, honey.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Input!
I know you can hear me

because I can see
your green light!

It's like one of those videos
where the pit bull

swims with the baby chick.

You just know
something bad's gonna happen.

Where are your keys?
I need the jumper cables.

- What happened?
- I spent the last hour in my car,

listening to the Commodores
with my windows down,

and the neighbors
didn't even come outside.

That must be your good friends
the Harlem Globetrotters.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Gloria invited us
to sit by the pool

till we have
to pick up Lily at hip-hop.

My Asian granddaughter
takes a hip-hop class?

Why are we not talking
about this in the front yard?

We brought cupcakes.
Manny, cupcake?

Oh, I see. Fill my mouth
with bourgie opiates

- so I can't speak for the people?
- That was a lot.

He's trying to get
a Communist girl to kiss him.

We have our own kid problems.

I mean, we had
an incident this afternoon

during Lily's playdate with Tom,

who used to identify as...
Tina.

I don't totally get
the hand thing, but I like it.

They had a fight, and Lily
said the worst possible thing.

- I mean, that poor boy's
been through enough. - Mm.

Oh, I am sure that the parents
have gone through a lot, too.

Sure.
You just don't get comfortable

with something like that
overnight.

Let me ask you guys something.

If, someday,
Lily wanted to be Lou

and had the whole
chop-chop, bing-bang thing,

how would you be with that?

- We love Lily.
- Lou.

- We love Lou.
- Mm-hmm.

- And there's nothing she could do --
- He.

- He.- There's nothing he could do
that would change that.

So you wouldn't even need the
minute that Tom's parents did?

Well, no, no.
Maybe a minute.

I mean, there'd -- there'd be
a lot of things

that I'd be giving up
that I've always imagined doing,

like -- like walking her down
the aisle in her wedding dress.

Or whispering
in her husband's ear

that he'll never replace me.

Well, that's interesting,
because the minute it took me

to accept the fact that my son

was living a different kind of life
than the one that I anticipated,

Mitchell called me
an old, straight, white bigot.

And now you're just like me.

Oh, my God, Mitchell.
Are we where Lily gets it?

Are we not as open-minded
as we think?

But that's our thing -- lording
our tolerance over others.

I guess what this proves is,

there's a little bit
of prejudice in everyone --

you, me,

the neighbor across the street

judging me for my cameras.

I'm gonna do what I should
have done at the beginning --

- talk to them.
- That's not a good idea.

Watch me!

Joe, you're not going
to live outside!

Fine!

Alex is never away
from her laptop,

so I had to steal assignments
one at a time.

I'm not proud of stealing,

but I'm not unproud
of how I'm stealing.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry,

but now that you're awake,
what happened in here, huh?

I'll tell you
what happened here --

the same thing that's been
happening all damn day!

Me dealing with animals
who don't care

that we are air-conditioning
the outside

and insist
on rotting their brains

by watching vapid housewives
spit wine on each other.

And you. Can't even be bothered
to use a plate!

Oh, she's a bummer, huh?

Something funny?

No.

What are you even doing home?

Don't you cat-sit for your boss
on Tuesday nights?

Uhhhhhh...

Alex, maybe you'd feel better
if we went for a walk

or a ride in the car, huh?
Go for a ride in the car!

You know what? There are
just too many distractions here.

I don't care how sick I am.
I have to go back to college.

- No! - No!
- No!

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Of course you do!

Was I the kind of person

who would send her sick sister
back to school

just to keep her
from figuring out I got fired?

Did I use her laptop to get
through community college?

Let's get you back there.
It's Friday night.

Maybe there's a party
you can listen to.

- Excuse me.
- Hello.

I don't mean to bug you.

You're just moving in.
I'm right across the street.

- Listen.
- Let me stop you.

You had the cameras scheduled,

worried about how it would look,

brought your black friend out,
blasted Commodores.

It's not my first time

moving into
a white neighborhood.

- We're good.
- Yeah?

I did my residency
in New Hampshire.

All right. Listen, you guys
need anything, let me know.

You got it.
I'm Shawn, by the way.

- Jay Pritchett.
- Jay.

It's okay, Gloria.
All handled.

This is my wife, Gloria.

This is Shawn --
and I want to get this right,

beautiful African name --
Shawn M'badawe.

I said, "By the way."

Ah.

Hey, Lily.
We need to talk.

I was actually just heading out.

No.
Sit down, please.

Look, it was wrong of you
to be mean to Tom, okay?

Even though Daddy and I

aren't always as open-minded
as we should be,

we -- we want you
to be better than us.

O-kay.

No. Listen. We accept
people for who they are.

Daddy and I would accept you
no matter what --

boy, girl, gay, straight...

though, if you're a lesbian,
please be the fun kind.

I didn't yell at Tom
because he used to be Tina.

- What? - I yelled at him
'cause he made fun of...

Made fun of what?

- What's -- What's to make fun of?
- Oh, thank God.

He called you guys weirdos
for putting that painting up,

so I called him a weirdo.

Well, honey,
why didn't you tell us?

'Cause I didn't want
your feelings to get hurt.

Get hurt? How?

Because that rube Tom
knows nothing about art?

Cam, she was protecting us.

But you don't have to,
sweetie, okay?

Don't feel like
you can't be honest with us

just to protect our feelings.

- Really?
- Really.

Hey, you can tell us anything.

Okay.

I hate the painting, too.

It was hard for us to hear,
but in the spirit of tolerance,

we accepted the fact
that a 9-year-old

might not want to fall asleep

under the watchful eyes
of her half-naked fathers.

Call the Sistine Chapel.
I guess art is out.

So, do you hate the whole idea
of murals, or just --

Roll!

It's going to be so exciting

to get back to
all that science stuff again.

You know -- beakers,
calculators, ray guns.

Alex, are you sure
you don't want

to spend a few more days here
to recover?

You can sleep on the end
of our bed if you want to.

- Yeah, stay, Alex.
- Sleeping does sound good.

Doesn't it?

But, first, how about
you take a nice, hot shower?

I just hope that big pile
of wet towels isn't on the floor

like it was this morning.

Aww, you guys are so sweet.

No, but what -- what about
all the science stuff?

All the fun. You know --
snapping each other in the butts

with your goggle straps.

You know what?
Staying here a few more days

may help me kick this sickness
a little faster.

- There you go.
- Wait a second.

I thought
I already packed my laptop.

Why is it on the hallway table?

Uh, why is anything anywhere?

Why aren't our feet
at the end of our arms?

Who opened my 12th-grade
Grapes of Wrath essay?

Uh...

Oh, my God.
You just want me to stay here

so you can steal
all of my old homework.

Wow. I can't wait
to hear what you have

to say about
this lapse in judgment.

Hey, it's better
than what Mom's doing.

She's just using you
to yell at us.

I would nip that back talk
in the bud.

I can't believe it.
He's right!

Honey,
you're getting upset again.

Come on.
Let's go get a treat.

Stop with the petting
and -- and the walks.

You're using me
as a therapy dog.

That's ridiculi--

Am I?

Well... what about
what Luke's doing?

We just dealt with him.

And, Haley...

you are the only one
who really cares about me.

That's it!
I'm going back to school.

I will drive you, sweetie.

Alex, no.
Stop! Stay!

How do you ask a human
not to go, again?

- Alex, wait!
- Right.

We're still leaving.
She's just catching her breath.

- Come on. - I feel so bad.
I had no idea what I was doing.

I feel worse. I really,
really knew what I was doing.

Our poor sick daughter.
We should be taking care of her.

So, is knowing all this
enough,

or do we have to, like,
do something?

Breaks my heart.

I should quit my job
and nurse her back to health.

You got fired, didn't you?

Alex had to take
the semester off.

I was disappointed
'cause she was disappointed,

but I was also kind of happy to
have her home a little longer.

- Aww.
- Mask!

Cam?

Oh, I just wanted
to tell her how proud I was

of how she handled herself today,
but she's already asleep.

Well, you can tell her
in the morning, okay?

Oh, by the way,
I found an article online

about a family
of Montenegrin art restorers --

Let it go, babe.
Come on. Come on.

Oh, Cam.

Look what she did.

Jay, what are you doing?
Come to bed.

I've got these new
state-of-the-art cameras.

I thought I'd review the day,

see how many times
our neighbor glared at us.

Wait a second.

Is that Manny licking cupcake
wrappers from the trash?

I knew he'd fold.

Ah, the vigor.
It's almost pornographic.

Are these cameras everywhere?

Yeah.
That's the garbage area.

Then we got the backyard,
front door.

Go inside. Wait.

That's Joe peeing
in the corner, not Stella.

That's it.
He lives outside now.

Come. We'll watch him
from the cameras.

Hold on.

You have a problem.

I'm gonna get you
one of those rubber remotes

they put in nursery schools
and insane asylums.

Thank you.