Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Blindsided - full transcript

I'm so glad you like the house!

Hey, so a few things --

One, all the appliances
are included,

two, the previous residents
were murdered there,

and three, it just passed
mold inspection.

So, when should we --

Uh-huh.
Yeah. I get it.

Well, we'll --
we'll just keep looking.

Although it does give the house
character.

If those walls could talk.

I agree. It's not funny.
Bye-bye.



It's okay, honey. You're gonna
sell that murder house.

Thanks.

"Ahh, Get this blood
off me!"

What? Wh-- Off who?

The Walls? You mean Barb and Thad Wall?
Are they in trouble?

_

_

_

_

- Morning.
- Oh, would you like some coffee?

God, no. I've been up all night.
I got to get to bed.

Hey, can you guys not use,
like, the blender

or vacuum or anything?

I just need five hours.



So, I guess we've
stopped looking for a new job?

Actually, we have.

Your daughter has gone into
business for herself.

Great.
What kind of business?

I put a group of girls together,

and we promote clubs and stuff
via social media.

That doesn't sound like
a real job.

Your last job barely sounded
like a real job.

We made $500 last night
for promoting a hookah bar.

I remember when you were
a little girl.

You told me you wanted
your job to be "princess."

I would kill for those days.

"Is that why you're dressed
like a hookah?"

Honey, you're not making
sense again.

Do you need to lie down?

Mom, I knew you would
be like this.

Dad, you understand
what I'm doing, right?

Of course.
Power of social media.

I'm on "Team Gets It."

Can you guys
just give me a chance

to get this thing
off the ground?

Yes. We can.

I always keep an open mind.

Fine. You take this one.
My plate's full.

I've got a meeting
at school today

to discuss Luke's
college options.

Should be a short meeting.

Throw it, baby!
Throw it!

Yes!

Dwight, that's the way
you read the reverse.

Gentlemen, circle up!

We are 3-0, but if we're
gonna go all the way,

we all need to be as mentally
and physically tough as Dwight.

- Coach?
- Yes?

You know my dad's
in the service?

Uh-huh.

He's being restationed
to Florida.

What?

Today's my last day.

Okay, uh...

everybody get some water.

- Coach, you okay?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Welcome, welcome!

- Hello!
- Shall we start?

Shouldn't we wait
for Luke's guidance counselor?

Mrs. Marks is going through
a terrible divorce.

She's very fragile right now.

So I'm trying to keep the more
challenging cases away from her.

None taken.

I have been perusing
your transcript.

And, uh, apropos of nothing --

You know, not every kid
is destined for college.

But Luke is, right?

Okay, I'll play along.

The reality is that Luke's
grades and test scores

are what we educators call
suboptimal.

Is that good?

See what I'm talking about?

So, we're gonna have
to really juice

the extracurriculars, okay?

Is there anything
he's, uh, passionate about?

I love chicken pot pie.

Remember when I said I would do
most of the talking?

Principal Brown!

Leslie Kwan Collins
from The Daily Dolphin.

Yeah. I know who you are,
Leslie.

Must we do this dance
every single time?

Would you like to issue a
statement about Eric Thompson's

abrupt resignation
as Student Council President?

Sure. Here's my statement --
Pbht!

My sources say
that he was caught selling

school saxophones on Craigslist.

Well, guess you could say
you had a "sax" scandal, then.

A sax scandal --
I'm running with that.

Oh, thanks a lot for that.
Very helpful.

So, where did we land?

We're putting Luke on Adderall
or taking him off? I forget.

We weren't discussing Adderall.

Although, Adderall has helped
a lot of kids.

Hey, we need a new president.
Why don't I just do that?

Maybe it'll be cool.

I do like bossing people around.

That's called leadership.

Wow, look at you.

I think I'm maturing.

Luke, this is a lot of work.

Are you sure you're up for it?

Mom, it's all I've ever wanted

since I heard about it
a minute ago.

Yeah. Well, I think you should
go for it.

I can't think of
a single reason why not.

All right, girls.

So, I have a couple notes
about last night.

Arizona, I was looking
at your selfies.

- Are your parents mallards?
- What?

What's with all the duckface?

You look like you're at a
bachelorette party in Tampa.

And, Katen, did I see you
drinking a water

at The Red Room?

I had to wake up
early in the morning.

Oh, yes, because that's what
we're promoting --

a club where people
make good decisions.

- I'm sorry!
- You are so weak.

I can't believe I let you kiss
me in front of the Lakers.

Not to sound like a total Katen,

but Haley's new job seems whack.

If Haley wants to work
in promotion,

she should learn from my guy --
Mr. Merv Schechter.

Among his brilliant
innovations --

the indoor blimp that drops
coupons at basketball games.

Sadly, it was later weaponized

by several
terrorist organizations.

Hey, Jay, do you need to
julienne any vegetables?

- What?
- If so, you can use the knife

your grandson jammed in my back.

Well, that was worth
the journey.

What happened, papi?

Luke decided to run against me

for Student Council President.

I've devoted my entire life
to public service,

only to be challenged by a guy
who's devoted his entire life

to watching skateboard fails
on YouTube.

Luke's running for President?

I mean, I love him,
but --

- Jay is right. Luke is a dummy.
- Never said that.

He wants a fight, he's got one.

I'm going to hit
my step-nephew

with so many stinging rejoinders

that he'll be crying
step-uncle.

Yes! Dynamic wordplay!

High-school kids
love that!

- He's gonna lose.
- He might not.

- Really, you want to roll those dice?
- Hmm.

Remember how depressed he got
when he lost the last election?

Hi, Daddy.

There she is --
our little girl!

Mitchell, do you remember
back before we had her

how we were so worried
that an extra person

would make the house
feel so crowded?

Uh... no.
I don't remember that at all.

Oh, boy, were we wrong.

- You didn't want me?
- This isn't about you, honey.

I think Daddy's ramping up
to something.

Anyhoo, there's
a football player on the team

who needs a place to stay
until the end of football --

No. No, no, no.

- Would you let me finish?
- Okay, fine. Go ahead.

Season.

No.
He can't stay here.

Cam, we don't have the room.

He can sleep in the den.

I love the den.
I watch TV in the den.

Besides, where are you gonna
sleep tonight after this fight?

He can sleep in the apartment
upstairs?

No. We need the rent
to pay the mortgage.

I'm sorry, Cam.
It's not gonna happen.

Coach, can I come in yet?

See, now you've put me
in an awkward position.

Why can't he stay
with someone else?

Because I'm his football coach,
and his father trusts me.

Cam, why you always --

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hi.

Hey.

Why do you always insist
on making these big decisions

without discussing it
with me first?

- I do not.
- You asked that couple

we met at the car-rental counter
to vacation with us.

It would have been rude not to.

It was our honeymoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, your... doorknob came off.

- It sure did, big guy!
- Again?

Okay, that's fine.

I'm already hating this.

I don't want to be critical.

You got to be kidding me.

This is not one of
your more loveable traits.

- What isn't?
- Always saying "no" to things

and then eventually
coming around.

Why can't we just skip
to the good part?

I think you'd have a different
attitude about this

if I was the one constantly
making unilateral decisions.

If it was something important
to you, I would support it.

Oh. Are you
sure about that?

100%, and once you get to know
Dwight the way...

...I do,

you will find that
he will enrich --

Okay, Dwight, please stop moving.

Hola, Luke!

Hey, guys.
What are you doing in my room?

Just wanted to see
my favorite grandson.

You guys been drinking?

No more than usual.

I heard a rumor
that you're running

for Student Council President.

Yep. I'm working on
my speech right now.

Good.

I know I wouldn't want
any part of that nonsense.

Me either --
not very sexy.

It takes so much time
and then you wouldn't

even have a chance
to ride your mini-bike.

I don't have
a mini-bike.

Yet. But if you
play ball...

Hey, Luke,

I need you
to take the --

What are you guys doing in here?

They're trying to bribe me
not to run for president.

What?

Manny has been working
all his life to be president,

and now Luke just salsas in

and tries to take it
away from him.

It's not fair.

Look, this means a lot
to Luke, too.

It's given him a whole new
sense of purpose.

I've heard enough,
and I've made my decision.

Manny will be president
this term,

and we'll run Luke next year.

I'm graduating.

That's the spirit!

I don't like to play this card,

but I am the patriarch,
and I have spoken.

Not much of a card, Dad,
'cause I don't really care.

So, how about the two of you
get going,

because Luke has a speech
to work on?

You want to go up against
the Pritchett political machine?

So be it.

- Bye, Grandpa!
- Bye, kiddo!

All right, Luke,
we need to talk.

Grandpa is coming for you,

and he has run successful
political campaigns before.

He got Mitchell elected
class president

before it was cool to be gay.

I've got this, Mom.
I'm running on a gun platform.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about...
my guns.

Ugh. All right, let's look
at the speech.

- I think it's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm opening with a joke about
how Principal Brown's kids

look like the mailman.

Mm-hmm. And select all,
delete.

Hey! I got to be me.

No, you got to be less you.

If you want this,
you got to out-Manny Manny.

Oh! Where's that suit I got you
for Alex's graduation?

That was a year ago.

I can't fit into that anymore,

because of my gu--

I know, I got it.

This was full.

Sorry.

You're just gonna be
disappointed.

Good morning, everyone.

If you're hungry, I hid
some cookies behind the toaster.

I found them.

Oh, I was thinking about

what you said yesterday,
and you were right.

We should be able to make
our own decisions, you know?

Ay, all I can say is,
thank you again.

Dane Edna, say hi
to your foster daddies.

Ronaldo, what's going on?

Oh, we're taking care
of Dane Edna

while Ronaldo takes Pepper
to Asia for a medical procedure.

Is everything okay?

Oh, don't worry.

Between us, he's getting
a monkey chin in Laos.

Oh, so it's a fun month
for everyone, huh?

Mm, I'm going to miss
this beautiful diva.

Her tummy can get
a little fussy,

so if you're ever wondering
what to cook for her,

just ask yourself,
"What would Patti LuPone eat?"

Oh.
Oh, and I'm sorry.

I-I didn't ask you
about this,

but it's really important to me.

And you said you'd support
any decision I made.

I'm not sure what you're doing,
because you're being so subtle,

but if you think a giant,
slobbery dog

is what this household needs,
then color me gung ho.

Here are her medicines.

The ones wrapped in foil
don't go in the mouth.

Okay.

Ah.

Ah, yeah.
I'm so sorry.

We've trained her
to take carbs away from us.

Oh.

I don't get it.

You look amazing.
I love it!

Why did you buy this for me?

'Cause I thought
you would look great up there

when you give your big speech.

I'm running for president, Mom.
I'll wear a suit and tie.

Well, then you'll be dressed
for your funeral.

Kid, you got to know
your audience.

You don't think
I can relate to my peers?

Well, this is
a fine kettle of fish.

I'm gonna say this
as gently as I know how...

You're going to lose!

Well, I wasn't gonna yell it,
but at least it's out there.

Wait. You think
I'm going to lose?

But you never think
I'm going to lose!

Look, you're a great kid.

All we're saying is be
a little more Casual Friday,

a little Ash Wednesday.

Yeah. Go up there
and be like,

"Yo! What's up, ballers?!"

"Mondays off.
Like, pizza and whatever."

- This is feeling a little weird.
- Trust us.

If you really think it'll help.

Hey, write that pizza-pie
thing down while it's fresh.

I hope you don't mind.

I decided it was fine if
they played fetch in the house.

Not at all.
I support that decision.

Well, I look forward
to what's about to happen.

- Okay.
- There we are.

Okay.

- All right.
- Nice.

Okay, Coach.
I'll meet you at the game.

Yes!
Who's a winner?

- I'm a winner!
- Who's a winner?!

I'm a winner!!

Oh, my...

Hey!

Okay.
I'm gonna go first.

I was petty and vindictive,

and I will find someone else
to look after the dog.

Do you have anything to say?

Thank you. I know
that couldn't have been easy.

Cam,
I swear to God --

Okay, okay.
You're right.

I should have
consulted you first.

I'll tell Dwight that he has to
move out after the game tonight.

Thank you.

Not that anybody cares,
but for lunch, I had a lozenge.

So, uh, how long
is this going to take?

I just need to reorder
some promotional Frisbees,

and say a quick hi to Merv,

the genius who supplied me
with coasters

and key chains
for over a decade.

He even put my face on a pillow.

That story makes me want
to put a pillow over my face.

Can we just get this over with?
I have a spray tan at 4:00.

Spray tan!
Who needs a spray tan?

Someone in winter.

That's why you put a coupon
on a ice scraper.

Boom! Just sent another
grandkid to Brandeis.

He shoots, he scores!

Can you believe this young man
has a grandkid in college?

Mm! It's all about lifestyle.

Really, I walk five miles a day,

and I've had a tremendous amount
of plastic surgery.

Oh! I had a brainstorm
on that property of yours

that you're trying to unload.

You know,
where the people -- Ckkk!

Yeah.

- You lean into it.
- Hmm?

You -- You call it
"Massacre Manor,"

"Downton Stabby,"

"Charles Mansion."

I mean, like,
I-I got a million of them.

Actually, I probably --
I have three more.

See? A master.

Merv, meet
my daughter Haley.

Nice to meet you.

Your daddy tells me
that you have come down

with the Madison Avenue flu.

I don't understand anything
that's happening here.

I feel the same way
when I watch "Empire."

Oh! No, you don't!

Some mangy cat keeps sitting
on the roof of my new Rolls.

Merv collects cars.

Not to brag,
but I could do a production

of "12 Angry Men" starring cars.

No, you don't, Taffy!

What --
What is he talking about?

What's Madison Avenue flu?

Oh. I-I may have mentioned
that you had a --

a budding interest
in the promotional arts,

and, total stroke of luck,
Merv's assistant

is very, very sick.

Wait a minute. You think my
business is in the same universe

as Carl's Auto Body
toilet seat covers?

Carl just opened a third
location because of that wizard.

You got two lives left, Taffy!

Is this how
you want to spend them?!

I don't need a job.
I have one.

What happened to "Team Gets It"?

Well, I don't gets it.

Just seems like
you're hanging out at clubs

taking pictures with a bunch
of party girls.

I mean, I want to be hip,

but none of this
makes any sense to me.

I just want what's best for you.

Nice pep talk. Oh, and thanks
for underestimating me.

You know, if you were
Orville Redenbacher's dad,

we wouldn't have airplanes!

Got ya!

I guess they don't
always land on their feet.

And the pass gets picked up!

- Touchdown!
- Hey! Wow!

That Dwight's something, huh?

Yeah! Well, he's fine,
you know.

It's -- It's
a team sport,

so, you know, they probably
wouldn't even miss him.

I just want to say

- I love what you're doing.
- Well, thank you.

I-I wear this sweater
with these trousers a lot.

When you're high-waisted,
it is very difficult

finding pieces
that work together, so...

Yeah, you look really nice,
but what she means is

it's great that you're letting
Dwight live with you.

You're taking Dwight in?

- That doesn't sound like you.
- It's -- It's --

He's making him move out.

That sounds like you.

Hey, losers.

Thought I'd see you down
at the concession stand.

How long were you
working on that one?

Is that one of the gems that
you wrote into Luke's speech?

I will have you know
that Luke wrote his own speech.

He contributed.

Hmm.

- He was there.
- Mm.

Hey.

Hey.

What's with the suit?

Me? Why are you dressed
like Nicki Minaj?

My mom and Jay said
it made me more relatable.

I feel like an idiot.

Yeah. Me too.

My mom forced me to wear this
so I'd be more like you.

Yeah, because I'd wear
a brown belt with black shoes?

You know what we should do?

Throw out our speeches
and speak from the heart.

That's a great idea.

You forgot your speech,
didn't you?

I plead the second.

Also, uh, you should know,

they arrested two
of the three perpetrators.

Hey, honey.
What are you doing here?

Making a point.

Oh. Hey.

Uh, I-I'm Phil Dunphy.

Feel free to ask
any... questions.

Sweet neck tattoo.

Don't forget to sign
the guest book.

Aren't these your, uh --
your work friends?

Yeah.
Hold on a second.

Hey, Arizona!
Quack quack.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

Look, I know you don't think
what I'm doing is real,

but we just posted
about this terrible house

through all our accounts
on multiple platforms,

and there's already
a ton of people here,

so, uh, you're welcome.

We don't really need
all this stuff, but okay.

All right, everybody.

Before our marching band
takes the field

with their tribute
to the films of Zac Efron,

let's hear from
our two candidates

for Student Council President.

First up is Manny Delgado.

Actually, we're going
to speak together.

Luke and I are here
because we each want your votes.

However, certain people
want to change us

into being something
each of us is not.

- They're publicly shaming us.
- We deserve it.

The important thing is
you two learned something.

Save it, patriarch.

The point is,
we are two individuals

with our own unique personalties
and ideas.

What he said.

I won.

It was the lowest voter turnout
in school history.

They hated the both of us.

But you more.

I got to admit, I'm really
impressed that you got

all these people here,
but they, um --

they don't really
look like house buyers.

Dad, you have no idea
who has money anymore.

You see that girl?

She makes six figures
playing video games.

And that dude,
he invented an app

for trashing your friends
called App Smear.

- Oh. - Any one of these people
could buy this house.

And if they do, you give us
a percentage of your commission.

That's how we make money.

You the realtor?

Indeed, I am.

I like this place.

Show me where it happened.

Um, it's... right down
this hall.

After you.

Her dad's loaded.

By the way,
have you seen the price?

The, uh -- The owner wasn't the
only thing that's been slashed.

And the Dolphins win, 21-0.

All right!

Hey!

That boy is like a professional.

It's amazing how one kid
can carry a whole team.

I feel like you're doing this
on purpose.

Excuse me,
Mr. Pritchett.

Leslie Kwan Collins,
Daily Dolphin.

For heroically taking in Dwight,

you are this month's
"Person with a Porpoise."

Oh, I don't know
about that. It's --

Embrace it.

Hey, come over here
for just minute, buddy.

Good game!
Good game.

- Thanks, Coach.
- Yes.

So, listen, I got something kind
of rough I need to tell you.

No, I know you and Mitchell
aren't just roommates.

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate

everything you're doing for me.

Yeah, listen, I don't know
how I'm gonna tell you this.

So I'm not gonna.

I just need you to do
everything I tell you.

Put your head on my shoulder.

That's it.
Get in there.

Now, I need you to pretend
to start crying,

really get those
shoulders into it.

Yeah, that's it. That's good.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
He's telling him.

- Stay strong.
- Yes.

Now I'm gonna cry.
I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Okay, final step --

I just need you to sit down,
grab your knees,

and start rocking sadly,
all right?

All right, sit.

Excuse me. Can I have
everyone's attention, please?

As you know, uh, Dwight's father
was recently restationed

to Florida and it was my
intention to have my family

have Dwight live with us,
but unfortunately --

But unfortunately
for our opponents,

he's gonna be with us
all season,

because the rumors are true.

Dwight is going
to be staying with us!

That is the more beautiful
gesture ever.

Aww, thanks.

I guess I do
always come around, huh?

Yes.

Dwight, you're staying.
What -- What's going on?

I don't know.

Coach just told me to sit
on the ground and look sad.

- Cam?
- Uh, let's hear it for this month's

"Person with a Porpoise" --
Mitchell Pritchett!

Wait. How -- How did
you know about that --

Did that reporter -- Oh!

We are having a serious
conversation when I get home.

But I'm loving this!

So, Phil, what can I do you for?

Well, oh wise one...

...uh, Luke here is President
of the Student Council,

but he needs
some professional help.

I have a likability issue.

Yeah, I saw that
when you came in.

What we need to do
is promote you, okay?

I see a pin,
"I like Luke."

I see a bracelet,
"Luke is no fluke."

I see a stadium cushion,
"Luke has your back... side."

How do you do that?

How about phone cases?

- Phone cases?
- I am so sorry.

Sweetheart, this is why people
don't like you.