Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - A Tale of Three Cities - full transcript

The three families will be in three different locations: the Dunphys will be in New York, Jay and Gloria will attend a wedding in Mexico, and Mitchell and Cameron will attend a funeral in Missouri.


Do we really have to leave?

Yeah, can't we just stay a couple more days?

I know -- it's killing me.

Tomorrow's open-mic night at the Apollo.

Look, we'll all come back. I love it here, too.

Compared to New Yorkers, I'm laid-back.

Now, come on.

Get upstairs and pack, or else you might miss your flight.

After a great week in New York,

I had to get to Raleigh for the Carolina Closet Caucus.

Phil and I have always wanted

to drive across the country together,

so we thought we'd make a road trip of it.

- Bye! Bye, guys! - Bye! Bye! Bye!

We'll miss you!

Okay, here's the deal -- We're staying another night.


You heard mom and dad. They said no.

Well, we'll still get home before them. They'll never know.

Oh, come on. Andy and I just broke up.

I'm not ready to go back and face life.

Come on, how would we even pay for the hotel?

We can use Luke's carnival settlement money.

No way! I earned that.

I'm the one who fell off that ride.

We were the ones who really suffered.

We couldn't turn on lights or make loud noises

until your head got small again.

We can't use that money. It's for college.

Okay, okay, let's spend it.

Oh, look -- that sushi restaurant we never made it to.

Oh, yeah. We tried.

They just never had a table for five.

We had a lot of fun, though, didn't we?

- Yes, we did. - Yeah.

Never got to get on

one of those horse-drawn carriages through the park.

Alex's allergies.

Didn't know you could be allergic to carriage leather.

Still, just so much good family time.

Family time.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

You could blow off the convention.

We could stay here for a romantic few days

but never tell the kids because we just made them go home?


That is the first time you've ever answered that question right.

Not today!

Oh! Cam, it is so beautiful outside.

You got to --


We decided to spend the summer in Missouri.

But we arrived to find Cam's grandma on her deathbed.

Right where we left her at Thanksgiving.

Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful

of my family situation.

I'm sorry -- I didn't realize the vigil

had drifted out to the common areas.

Cam, come on.

She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall.

Maybe it's time to, you know...

What? What are you saying, Mitchell?

That we should pull the plug?

Lord o' mercy.

Have you even taken your turn sitting with Gram?

No, she doesn't want me there. She hates me.

This again.

Cam, she refers to me as "the sissy."

You heard that wrong.

She's hard to understand because of the dentures she inherited.

You know they were made from the keys of a child's piano.

What do you even say to someone in a coma?

Well, Mama's reading her poetry.

Lily's reciting scripture.

Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote when we were younger,

"Sweet Home Ala-gramma."

Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.

Oh, I'm sorry -- Is she your Ala-gramma?

Oh, fine. I'll think of something.

* Onward -- *


This collar itches.

Stop it. You all look so handsome.

We look like The Three Amigos.

We were in Juarez

for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding.

It was so beautiful.

Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time

for her father to make it.

Ay, Jay, stop with the phone. You're missing everything.

Hang on -- I'm trying to lock up some sausages

for Father's Day this weekend.

You wait till the last minute, you wind up eating

chicken and apple, like some damn hippie.

Double click!

La Diabla. Manny, come dance with me.

Son of a bitch, that's good!

Hola, Jay.

Oh, hey...Sonia.

I see Gloria's avoiding me.

She's still mad because I forwarded her that mass e-mail.

Could be that, or it could be the last time you saw her,

you tried to steal me and kill her.

So, how is my sister?

Fantastic. Great.

'Course, with Joe and also her hot-sauce business,

she got a lot on her plate.

Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican cookies?

They just call them cookies.

I'll speak with Gloria later.

I have to drop this at the gift table.


My seat is cold, and the flowers wilted.

I see that my sister has been here.

Will you get over that?

She couldn't have been nicer. We talked about Joe.

I told her how well your hot-sauce business was going.

By the way, have you tried one of these cookies?

Why did you tell her about the sauce?

Everybody, get your things.

We have to leave Juarez right now!

What?! It took me 45 minutes to get into this outfit!

You know how crazy Sonia can be.

She's gonna be so jealous now that she knows

that I am a very successful businesswoman.

Aren't you 400 bucks in the hole on that thing?

You don't think this looks bad --

us walking out before dinner?

Joe has a fever, and he -- he's sweating very much.

No, I'm not.

I'm gonna reverse what I said.

Central Park dog rentals -- million-dollar idea.

Yeah, and maybe it's just the high of being on vacation,

but is there a bird more majestic than the American pigeon?

Get dressed. We're going out for walk-around breakfast pizza.

Oh! Shoot. Forgot my room key.

Oh! I've got to get a picture of this paneling for my dad.

Aromatic cedar flakeboard -- game a-changed.

I love my sexy little closet nerd.

Oh, honey.

I'm gonna take a quick tub.

We should check in with the kids from "the road."

Oh, right, right.

We should also maybe get some ice for drinks.

Let's wait for him in the lobby. I need coffee anyway.

The people next door kept me up all night with their sex noises.

I caught the end of that.

He sounded like a scared ghost.

Oh, my God. It's Mom.

Uh, well, stay calm.

Uh, we're home, we flew in last night.

Oh. Come on. She's gonna want to talk to Luke.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

I'm coming to you from West Virginia.

What are you girls doing today?

Oh, you know, me and Alex just out shopping.

Who are you talking to?

Dad. Who are you talking to?

- Mom. - Mom.

- The girls. - Luke.

Hold on.

I told them we were in West Virginia.

- What did you say? - Kentucky.

Mom thinks we're shopping.

I told Dad I was making us breakfast.

When have you ever made us breakfast?!

Okay, girls, um, I got to go.

- Us too. Drive safely. - Bye.

Hey, buddy, I should get going.

There's a cop walking towards us.

I guess it looks weird with us parked right here

on the state border with me up here in Kentucky

- and your mom in the back seat over in West Virginia. - Got it.

I should probably finish packing up the breakfast

I'm bringing to the girls at the shopping mall where they're shopping.

- Okay. See ya, pal. - See ya.

- That's how you do that. - Done.

* Sweet home Ala-gramma *

* Eyes and hair of gorgeous blue *

I'm gonna come back.

No, no, no. I'm glad you're up here.

- We can finish later. - Yeah, yeah.

She likes it when you stroke her hair and rub her feet.

And, Mitchell, make sure her tongue stays moist.

How would I -- Ugh.

Hey, Grams.

How's -- How's the coma?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

A-Are you trying to say something?

Grams. Ow, that hurts. Let -- let go.

Grams, l-let go.

Let go, Grams. Let go, Grams!

What the hell are you telling her?

What happened?!

I just walked in,

and Mitchell was telling her to let go, and she did!

Oh, let go -- let go of my hair.

Somebody call the race track! Get the doctor!

Nice turnout. Sure is.

Grams would hate all these people on her property.

She sure would.


Oh, my God. I can feel your family staring daggers at me.

Can't believe they think I killed Grams.

Like I'd really be telling her to let go of life.

Well, you can see how they'd wonder

after you put your suitcase in her room.

It sounds like you're taking their side.

You can't blame them for questioning your story

about a comatose arthritic woman pulling your hair.

Not a story. A thing that happened.

- Fine. - Fine.

And you didn't help your case

by accidentally erasing her "Matlocks".

Oh, my God! Just drop it!

No, not -- not the... No. I -- I...

Okay, so, when do you guys think you're gonna be back?

Definitely by Father's Day.

Oh, okay. Well, we miss you guys.

But at least it's still only three more days.

Was it a little risky?

Not as long as the master did the talking.

Aww. Love you both. Bye.

We miss you guys.

Got to run outside and paint the mailbox.

All you had to do was say goodbye.

Now we have to paint the mailbox when we get home.


It just popped into my head

when I saw the Statue of Liberty holding that paintbrush.

You know, what she used to paint freedom in America.


The key to a good lie is keep it simple.

Well, why don't I stop talking

about how good it is here and just bring you some?

Okay. Bye-bye.

We need to pick up a wheel of Arizona spicy sheep cheese.

Couldn't you just say goodbye?!

Claire, the sign says "No loud noises."

You'll scare David Blaine.

So, he just sits in jello for four days?

I don't get how that's magic.

You wouldn't.

I wish Dad was here.

He'd love this.

Well, he isn't, and neither are we.

Remember how Luke used to call it "jeh-woh"?

I hate that I can't share this with him.

Magic isn't about secrets and tricking people.

Phil! Get it together.

Like your boyfriend, David Blaine,

we're taking how we did this to the grave.

I just feel bad that he's missing out.

This is our thing.


You will never tell him about this,

or we will finish what that unlicensed carnival started, okay?

The morning we were set to fly back for Father's Day,

a storm in the midwest canceled our flight.

Let's just get to the airport, and we will find a flight.

- Taxi! - Damn it! It's already taken!

Okay, so I think I got us on a flight through Denver.

Do you mind the middle seat?

If it'll help.

This can't all be carnival-related.



Ay, Jay, I was going to cook the sausage.

Hey, I don't mind.

He's taking over because we screwed up

the last few Father's Days.

Don't be silly. I got this.

When I think of the last few Father's Days,

I quake with rage.

Hey, maybe put a little thought into it.

Maybe we don't order the pizza.

And if we do,

maybe we get enough crazy bread for everybody.

I'm sorry, but who made Father's Day

the dirty stepchild of holidays?!

We don't even have a song.

- Daddy? - What?

Got you a present.

That's my boy!

Let's see. What do we got in here?

Hey. An ice bucket.

I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel.

So I took some things, too.

Then some bigger things.

I like stealing.

It makes my heart go fast.

And what's in the ice bucket?

A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.

Who's here so early?

Sonia, what are you doing here?

You left Juarez so fast, I didn't get to say goodbye.

We're sisters. We shouldn't fight.

I miss you.

Okay, got it.


Sonia. I'm sorry. Come in.

No, I couldn't.

No, you came from so far away.

Come on in. Stay awhile.

Thank you, Jay.

The Mexican cookies.

I never thought I'd see those again.

Let me help you with those.

- Hey, Aunt Sonia. - Hola, Manny.

I have some luggage in the car. Come help me.

- Okay. - Help your aunt. Go ahead.

Why did you let her in?

You have to talk to her.

I really think she's here to apologize.

You don't know her like I do.

Ohh! Wait!

What are you doing?!

Great, Jay. Now she kidnapped Manny.

Why are you so calm?

Shouldn't we follow them or call the police?

No, it's just a kidnapping. It's normal in my family.

Ransom call.

Mom, I'm really scare--

She wants my hot-sauce business in exchange for Manny.

Good! Then she owes us 400 bucks.

We get the kid back.

No deal.

I'll handle it.

My sister, my problem.

My holiday!

Oh! That's the kids pulling up right now.

- Just act normal. - I was born normal.

Not really. They said I came out with bangs.

Hey. Now all we have to do is stick the landing.

Don't blow it by acting weird.

- Oh! I missed you! - Buddy!

Oh, how was the drive?!

Oh, it was great.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

We would have been here a lot earlier,

but there was a ton of traffic on...


What do you say we go find Grandpa, huh?

- Yes. - Here we go. Let's go.

So, uh, good week?


- Oh, my God. They're talking. - Are they?

All right, you chatterboxes.

Let's get this party started, huh?

Yeah, it's almost 4:00.


That was great.


No. But that's how you lie.

Go splash some water on your face.

Hey, guys.

Hi! How are you?

Hi. Where are Cam and Lily?

Uh, they're still at the farm.

I got banished.

Sounds like you're ramping up to a story,

but I got some stuff going on, so...

Okay. Good to be home.

Okay, so Cam's grandmother, the one who called me a sissy,

she died.

And I -- I was alone with her when it happened,

and the family thinks that I nudged it along.

- Cam's grandma died? - Oh, my God.

You still do that thing where you smile

whenever you talk about death.

It's just a coping mechanism. It's gonna pass.

You've been doing it since I was 10 years old

and we buried my hamster in the backyard.

His name was Whiskers.

Can you be a human being for one second?

So, Cam totally took his family's side

when they all turned against me.

Well, that's just a reflex.

You always take your family's side.

Oh, come on. Where is that written?

Remember when you first brought Cam home

and I privately said to you,

"You might want to move on from this one,"

and Dad said, "I thought you liked men"?

And then when Cam thought

he was picking up on us not liking him,

you told Cam he was crazy.

I guess I did do that, huh?

God, you and Dad are mean.

Aww. Says the murderer.

Gloria, we can't sit around doing nothing. Call Sonia.

Tell her to bring Manny and the cookies to a neutral place,

and we'll make the exchange.

Why would I make an exchange? We have all the leverage.

She has your son.

What is she gonna do? Raise Manny?

Don't worry. He's going to be fine.

There's got to be a better way.

My parents will be worried sick.

Why does she want your sauce business, anyway?

Well, maybe she has a reason to think

that it should be partly hers.

My late aunt

gave that hot-sauce recipe to both of us.

Not just Gloria.

Sonia didn't care about the recipe.

She was very lazy.

I said, "Maybe I'll go to America and sell the sauce.

Try to make something of myself."

So I gently talked her out of it.

She told me my idea was stupid --

just like all my ideas.

And then I changed my mind, and I did her dream.

What is she so mad about?

I'm sorry to involve you in this feud.

It's okay.

I'm actually starting to see your side of this.

Thank you.

As long as this isn't that thing

where the person gets kidnapped and then --

Why am only now noticing how beautiful you are?

Ay, dios mio.


Happy Father's Day!

Wait -- you guys flew in?

Yeah, I just wanted us to all be together today.

In spite of your thoughtlessness and insensitivity.

Okay, those mean the same thing, but okay.

Look, I just want you to know

I understand why you took your family's side.

And I am sorry I put you in that position.

Oh, I appreciate that, Mitchell.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Can I get our gifts out of the car?

Grams left us all something in her will --

even you.

She left me something! Aww.

Even though you're stubborn and pigheaded.

Okay, again -- Oh...

Manny's here.

I had to bring him back.

He was driving me crazy with his googly eyes.

My eyes are but lifeless orbs compared to --

Yeah, go get me a beer.

How dare you take my son.

How dare you take my business model.

Guys, we have a party going on.

Let's take it over here.

Now, Gloria, you have admitted yourself

that you have a history of stealing things from this one here.

Oh, here we go.

Sonia's perfect,

and Gloria can't do anything right!

You sound just like my father!

Hold on.

Are you saying that all this

is about some weird competition over your father?

This is why you sabotage my whole life?

Because Papa loved me more?

Don't love that.

Oh, my God. I guess so.

I can't believe it.

You are jealous of me.

Just in that one area.

But I shouldn't treat you badly because Papa choose you.

It must have been hard for a little girl.

When you lose a love like that at such a young age,

you spend the rest of your life trying to replace it.


Listen, if you want the hot-sauce business,

take it -- it's yours.

No, no. Your jealousy is all I need.

I want to give you something that is very precious to me.

Not Manny.

It's something that I should have given you a long time ago

that is gonna keep you close to Papa forever.

Oh! Lily, we were gonna open Grams' gifts together!

I couldn't wait. Grams left you a watch.

Oh! The note says,

"Your grandpa tore it right off of

a dead kraut's wrist."

Oh, that's so sweet!

And I got these.

"Enjoy all my old lipstick,

you big sissy."

Why did she call me a sissy?

I -- She doesn't --

Oh! We're opening Grams' gifts, huh?

- This must be yours. - Okay.

Let -- You know, we can do this later.

You opened yours.


"When Cam first brought you here,

I thought I'd never get used to you.

I was raised to hate your kind.

But seeing how happy you make my grandson,

I... couldn't help but come to care for you."

Cam. I was wrong about her.

Yes. You were.

Now, let's put this someplace safe.

No, no, wait. There's more. There's more.

"Who else but you

should inherit my beloved Oriental fan?

I hope it don't make you homesick."

She said I was gonna get that fan.

Well, you know, she did get very stupid near the end.

Okay, well, gift time seems to be over.

Okay, Cam. This is Lily's gift, isn't it?


Oh! So you're the big sissy!


Her lipsticks!

Oh. I suppose you're gonna read into this, too.

Wow, those sausages smell fantastic!

You all right, Dad?

Yeah, I guess I could say a few words.

I appreciate you guys honoring me on this great holiday.

But I'm not the only dad here.

You three lucked out a little bit in that department, right?

We sure did.

Best job I ever had.

Raising two dynamite ladies

and buddy a guy could ever ask for.

Oh, what is with this?

- No crazy bread this year? - Yeah!

We stayed in New York for five more days.

And I saw David Blaine in jello,

and I've been dying to tell you, but they wouldn't let me!

You're a disgrace.

Oh, my God! Your mother and I --

Are furious! Furious!

You were in New York this whole time,

and you didn't say anything --

Now, I don't know what can of worms this is,

but I know this is my day,

and I want you to calm down.

Is that a phone in your pocket?

That's my phone.

I've been looking for this since yesterday.

I steal now.

Phil, did you text me?

Oh, yeah, um, claire asked me to send you a picture

of the closet in our New York hotel.

Oh, my God! Is this you naked?!



Honey, will you send my dad a picture of that closet

before I forget?

Oh! No.

Hey. What's all the --

O...kay. No, thanks.

I already have confusing feelings for one relative.

All...right. Can this just be done now?

How did you even --

Wait a minute. It is raining in the background.

But it didn't rain while we were all there.

It only rained in New York yesterday.

Oh, my God! You stayed in New York without us!

We're liars!

I'm so sorry.

No, it's my fault. I -- I kept the lie going.

Okay, are we really glossing over the fact

that I figured something out?

I'll tell you what else we're glossing over --

how bad you all are at Father's Day.

I've got one son who's a kleptomaniac,

the other who's in love with his own aunt --

creepy even by your standards --

and a daughter who I was forced to see naked

as the day she was born.

Come on, Cam. Kiss me like the sissy I am!

- Right on cue. - Oh, God.

Happy Father's Day to me.

Icing on the cake -- I just found out

my own wife has major daddy issues.

Makes me wonder if that's the whole reason she's with me.

Dad, come on.

We may have ruined your day, yes,

but now you're just spiraling.

I mean, every relationship has its issues,

and Gloria adores you!

Take the win.

You think?

Papa was so handsome.

- Yes! - Yes. Yes. Yes!

All right!

You each have a sausage on your plate

I selected based on your individual personality and temperament.

Is this blood sausage? Because mine's pink.

Oh, my mine's pink, t--

Oh. Very funny, Dad.

Now take a bite of bread,

a sip of water to cleanse the palate.

Mine smells spicy.

Show of hands. Who heard me say "Smell your sausage"?

The box said these pigs were massaged daily,

then killed from behind to

keep the panic hormone from tainting the meat.

They were murdered from behind?

The three things I want you to pay attention to

are bouquet, texture, and finish.

You may begin.

Can I have some ketchup?

We are done here.