Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 19 - Frank's Wedding - full transcript

PHIL: Listen up!

Any of youse goes
stool pigeon on me,

you'll find yourself in
a Chicago overcoat.

Honey, you're not going to talk like
that all the way to the wedding, are you?

Or all the way to
that over pass?

Hey, at least you look
cute! Who picked my outfit?

I did.

My dad and Lorraine decided to
have a 1920s themed wedding.

Such a romantic time.

Yeah, Dust Bowls,
The Klan, Prohibition.

(STUTTERS) Oh, I'm
sure they'll have alcohol.



Self-serve.

I guess the grease monkeys
must be out back shooting dice.

Can they come out
here and shoot us?

Oh, God, look down.

Haley? We're going
somewhere fancy, okay?

Where? The past?

Hi, Kimmy. You didn't
feel like dressing up, too?

What do you say those
pretty peepers of yours

never saw the famous
gangster Phillinger

and his ex-prostitute
getaway driver.

I think a, uh, a
sawbuck should do this.

That's too much, I'm
gonna get some change.

Enjoy dress up day.

Mom, you need to
control your man.



I cannot listen to
this character all day.

Guys, you know your dad,
you know your dad's dad.

We are up against
unimaginable forces of goofy.

Just remember, he
does it out of love.

It's Johnny Law,
let's hot foot it.

CLAIRE: Stop.

(HORN HONKING) Phil.

What the hell is all this?

I got a rush order for my sauce

and the kitchen that I
usually use was booked

so I have to do
everything myself.

You know, I think I
slept funny last night.

No, don't. I know better
than to ask for your help.

Ah. Good, 'cause
I have a tee time.

On the way, could you take
me to pick up my prom tux?

That sounds like
something you'd love to do.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I so don't wanna
do that. (LAUGHS)

I'm turning 70 next
year. I know, I look great.

One of the few perks
of getting up there

is the ability to
say no without guilt.

"Can I have a ride
to the airport?" "No."

"Do I wanna see your
niece's recital?" "Nah-ah."

"Wanna do a walkathon
to end Global..."

"I'm gonna stop
you right there."

Was anyone in
my room last night?

Not after I tucked you in.

Great! I have a monster.

I'm sure you're mistaken.

Nope. And we have to catch
him before I go to bed tonight.

Joe, there's no such
thing as monsters.

Calm down, I'm not
gonna ask you to help.

Shapin' up like a
pretty good year.

Cake for breakfast.
Now, we're talking.

Don't touch that.

I'm making that for Uncle
Pepper's costume party tonight.

The theme is famous movie duos.

Daddy and I are going as
Leo and The Revenant bear.

(GROWLS) You know what?

Where is Pam?

She said she was gonna
be here two hours ago,

she has no respect
for anyone else's time.

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

You know, she said she's
gonna pop in for a short stay.

It's just like we're supposed
to rearrange our lives.

Mmm-hmm. (MUMBLING)

It's taken me a long
time but I've finally learned

that when it comes
to Cam's sister

anything I say can and
will be used against me.

Do you think maybe
we should, you know,

have the bartender cut Pam off?

Oh, God, you know what?
She's getting a little bit messy.

Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're
kind of making a fool out of yourself.

Go to hell, Mitchell.

You go straight to hell!

Whoo!

Well, her majesty
has finally arrived.

I can sense how angry you are.

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

I know, I know, I'm late.

No, there's no late
when you're family.

Although Mitchell
was just saying...

What brings you into
town? Oh. Modeling.

I'm sorry, modeling?

Real person modeling.

Back home they put me on a billboard
for the feedstore and I got the bug.

Wow. Next stop, Hollywood.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, so how
long are you gonna be in town?

Well, who's to say?

Well, I was hoping it'd be you.

You can't put a date
on a dream. Mmm-mmm.

Speaking of, we need
to take me to an audition.

And I'm a little jittery,

so I was hoping you guys would
wanna ride along for moral support.

Oh, actually
Mitchell and I have...

We have a really busy
day, isn't that right, Mitchell?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, this won't
take long. Let's go.

On the ride over, I can
practice my joint pain grimaces.

(GRUNTING)

Are you okay? (LAUGHS)

You're good, you're good.

(JAY GRUNTING)

(FABRIC TEARS) Oh!

Again.

Joe hasn't slept in that chewed
up sweater snagger in years.

But Gloria won't let me get rid of
anything the kid has ever touched.

So I needed a plan.

Fortunately, when you
say no to everything,

it frees up time to concoct
ingenious schemes.

Look, Joe, there's no
monsters anywhere.

There's nothing
underneath the bed,

nothing inside the tepee.

Are you sure?

Yes, monsters
need places to hide.

They're not like the evil
spirits which are all around us.

What? No, no,
nothing, baby, nothing.

Look, my window's open,
maybe that's how he got in.

Impossible. If he came across
the roof, there'd be broken tiles

or monster prints or...

My monogrammed money clip.

I snuck in through Joe's window
last night because it was past curfew

and I must've dropped
my clip on the roof.

I needed to get it
before Mom saw.

I can't afford to get grounded.

David Sedaris is coming to
Barnes & Noble on a school night.

I guess I can go out on the roof
and check for monster slobber.

JOE: Okay. No.

If he falls from the roof and dies,
his ghost will haunt you forever.

Oh, boy, I do not need a ghost.

Manny, help me
out in the garage.

Do I get to say no to
things I don't wanna do?

No, at your age, it's unlikable.
At my age, it's delightful.

Can you get those Easter
decorations down for me?

I don't know if you remember, but
my back's been bothering me lately.

Uh, do I need to change my
shirt? It looks cobwebby up there.

No, just give it a tug.

You know I never realized how
close to the edge that cinder block is

to falling right on
this beautiful crib.

Oh!

Son of a... You
gotta be kidding me.

(FABRIC TEARS) Come on!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Quite the shindig, huh?

You mooks cool your heels. I've
got some hooch for this parakeet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Phil, why
are we the only ones in costume?

Oh. You're right, doll.

Something's screwy. The invitation
clearly said gangster attire optional.

Optional? Ow.

You dumbasses actually
did it. Jerry, get this.

No, Jerry, don't get this.

Uh, all right, everyone,
this is Lorraine's son Ray.

Mother daughter. My
favorite search category.

Shouldn't you be partially upright
on a stages of man chart somewhere?

What? Yeah.

Honey, you need to
hear this right now.

Your family's embarrassed.
We're the only ones in costume.

You do this all the time.
I'm wearing wool underwear.

That's an extra step you chose to take.
I'm sorry, I thought this would be fun.

Yes, but your idea of fun is
often our idea of a horror show.

When you picked me up
from school in the hot dog cart.

Repeatedly screaming, "That's what
I'm talking about" at my graduation.

Walking to my
science fair on stilts.

Your exhibit was on daddy
long legs. I had no choice.

Oh, honey, you always have a choice,
you just keep making the wrong ones.

Guys, come on now.

Well, look, it's
pretty boy Dunphy.

Looking good yourself,
Pops. (CHUCKLES)

Well, how're you doing?

Well, I got my rings, I got my vows,
now all I need is a way to escape.

Please someone help. (LAUGHS)

I'm kidding of course.

Actually I'm really looking
forward to being married.

Then what's with
the getaway bag?

Oh, I gotta ask you to help me out
with what I think is a doozy of a surprise.

Come here. Hmm.

Get this. Mid ceremony,
you know, when you're asked

if anyone has any objections,
I'm going to pull out a Tommy gun

and tell you to skip that part.

Sweet maple syrup, I like
it. I'm just getting warmed up.

I got a script, prop guns,
exploding paint capsules.

I even hired a few local
theater people to help out.

And, um, and Lorraine's
cool with all this?

That's the beauty part. She
doesn't know a thing about it.

80% of comedy is surprise.
The other 20% is wordplay.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Something wrong, son?

I think this might be a terrible
idea. What do you mean?

Lorraine might be one of
those old fashioned brides

that doesn't want a body
count on her special day.

Dad, you and I like to have
fun, but not everybody is like us.

Some people think our brand
of humor is embarrassing.

Oh, you're right.
Maybe I do overdo it.

I remember your mother was
really ticked off at me at your baptism

when I kept pretending
the holy water was boiling.

(LAUGHING) Ouch! It's hot.

Okay, we don't have to do anything
crazy today, don't worry about it.

Thanks, Pops.

But wait, you're still gonna do my
funeral the way we talked about, right?

That recording of you banging
on that piece of wood screaming,

"Let me out of here!" (CHUCKLES)

It's a real shame
I'm gonna miss that.

What are you doing?

That accident that Manny caused
earlier gave me quite a start.

So I figured I'll pull everything out,
and put it back in a safer fashion.

Gloria, could you
plug this in for me?

I wanna dust off
some of this stuff.

Did you call me
outside just for that?

I've got a back situation,
maybe Manny mentioned it.

(LEAF BLOWER BLOWING) Oh,
no, wrong cord. What have you done?

(HORN HONKING)

Jeez, it seems like Joe's
crib is damaged beyond repair.

No, it's fine. It just
froggered across the street.

Leave it there, the garbage
man is coming tomorrow.

And you're find with that? You're
attached to everything related to that kid.

Yeah, but not to
that stupid crib.

Do you know how many
clothes I've ruined walking by it?

Nice dresses, sweaters,
a pair of high heels.

How do you snag
a pair of high heels?

I kicked that stupid
thing, how else?

(THUDDING) Ay!

My trap worked, I
caught the monster.

I got you now, monster. Wait,
wait, wait. Stop. It's me, Manny.

Prove it. Do I like vegetables?
MANNY: Only with ketchup.

Manny, what are you doing here?

Uh, I just needed
a place to practice

some new dance
moves for the prom.

Do it. What?

Do the dance moves.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

Uh...

I've to admit that
that is very good.

But I know that
you're lying. (SIGHS)

Fine. I was the one
in here last night.

I came in through the window
because I broke curfew.

I dropped my money clip and
I was just trying to get it back.

Forget about going
to David Sedaris.

(GASPS)

I was wrong, Joe, there
is a monster in this room.

The key to real person modeling

is not to attract a lot
of attention to yourself.

This is me thinking about
buying a car. Uh-huh.

This is me with a toothache
obviously. Oh, this is me smart.

What was that, Mitchell?
I didn't say anything.

Thought you said something
about that we have a busy day.

No, I'm just happy to be here.
Watching her career get launched.

Oh. Hey, tell me if they call my
name. I'm gonna go pretty down.

Okay.

Can you believe her?
She just barges into our life

and expects us to drop everything
and invest in this crazy dream?

Well, she does look like
someone who just broke her mop.

Okay, what is going on with you?

I'm not doing it
anymore, Cam, okay?

You're too afraid to confront your
big scary sister, so you use me to do it.

Well, I'm out, okay.

Until you learn how
to confront her yourself,

you're not gonna get that respect
from her that you clearly crave.

Okay, you know what? I'm not
in the least bit intimidated by her.

Her who? Oh, the lady
at the costume store

that Mitchell is pressuring me to
go pick up the costumes right now.

Okay, I'm going, Mitchell,
my gosh, my gosh.

Hey, give me a dollar so
I can get me some gum.

Here. Thank you.

My God, you're perfect.
(GASPS) It's happening.

You're absolutely
un-remarkable. Terry, get out here.

This better not be
another false... (GASPS)

I can't not take my eyes off
him. Oh, I'm not here to audition.

Say that again. Yes I've
already forgotten what you said.

When they made
him, they kept the mold.

Are you looking at me?
Are you looking at me?

Please tell me you're
doing a scene from a movie

and not confused
about what a mirror is.

(SIREN WAILING)
Hi, honey, what's that?

A bag of plastic guns.

My dad was planning a
crazy stunt at the wedding

that Lorraine didn't
even know about.

There's a whole script
for it and everything.

Don't worry, I
talked him out of it.

No more embarrassing
the Dunphys today.

I heard what you guys
said. And I'm truly sorry.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh, quick,

what nick name did Jennifer
Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz?

J... Never mind.

Hello. Yes, the rings.

Wow, he didn't say JLo.

He also heard that siren and
didn't say, "There's my ride."

Did we break Dad?

When was the last time you saw
him pick up a can of whipped cream

and not do his, "I've
got rabies," gag?

Oh, my God, did we go too far?
We knocked the fun out of him.

No, no, no. Stop this thinking.

We are this close to
having a normal dad

and you are not ruining
it. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, guys, can I have
Claire for a second?

Sure.

Ew. They're spending their
wedding night right next door?

Calm down. The loudest
noise you're going to hear

is Grandpa getting
out of a chair.

You look great. How
are you feeling? Oh.

Well, you'd think on my fourth
marriage, I wouldn't be this nervous.

Oh, I guess it
never gets easier.

I remember my wedding, my stomach
was filled with butterflies and Haley.

(CHUCKLES)

I've always married such serious
men. Frank is not that at all.

Oh, I know, but if you can
see past that... Past that?

Yeah, he's got a lot of
wonderful qualities too.

Oh, sweetie, you're missing it.

All my ex-husbands were
accomplished, serious men, but bone dry.

A day hasn't gone by that Frank
hasn't made me laugh. (CHUCKLES)

Hope I keep up.

Oh. Who am I telling?
You got lucky too.

(JAY CLEARS THROAT)

Sweet victory.

(LAUGHTER)

Joe! No, no! Not my hair!

Not my hair!

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

Nothing, we're painting Joe's wall
with monster repellent to protect him.

Looks like you're
having fun, huh?

Don't worry, we're not
gonna ask you to do anything.

The trick to the corners
is... Yeah, we got it.

Go fix yourself a drink.

(ALL LAUGH)

MANNY: Right there. (LAUGHING)

The thing about saying
no, you say it too much,

people just stop asking.

(LAUGHTER)

(DOOR CLOSES)
You stole my dream.

Would you please
stop saying that?

If you hadn't distracted those
ninnies with your striking regularness

they would've put me in
the national TV ad campaign

instead of neither of us.

Why are you flipping out? I
am not in competition with you.

Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?

(STUTTERS) No.
Well, maybe I am crazy.

But I have a damn good reason.
Connect the dots, you dummy.

I'm wearing real loose
clothes, I need money real bad,

my hair is lustrous
like a lion's mane.

Uh, you're in love?

No, the opposite. I'm
pregnant. Okay. Oh, God.

The family didn't want me
to get back together with Bo

on account of he's six
parts Shakopee and married.

But I did it anyway and now he's in County
for punching a police horse in the face.

And if they find out,
then they'll just know

that everyone was right about
me being such a screw up.

Oh, Pam, I had no idea. How
many months along are you?

Oh, all of them.

Yeah, go ahead, condemn me.

I can see the judgment all
over that generic face of yours.

This strap is cutting
into me like a piano wire.

Would you mind going through my luggage
and pulling out my after dinner bra?

If I must.

CAMERON: I'm home.

PAM: I didn't get
picked, thanks for asking.

Well, I have good news.

Mitchell and I are
early contenders to win

the best costume in the
human/animal category.

What are you doing?

Self-comforting with food.

I've been working on that all
morning and it is for a party tonight.

What are a bunch of
gays gonna do with a cake

but stand around screeching
about how pretty it is?

Okay, that's it. Pam, you are
rude and you're disrespectful

and you are going
in for another bite.

Put the fork down. Put it down.

It is high time that you start thinking
about somebody other than yourself.

Oh. So that's how
you feel? Yes, it is.

Then I guess it is on.

No! You better run!

(GRUNTING)

Get off of me, I wasn't ready!

Then get ready for this.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Hey, that hurts.

Good, then it's working.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, cut it out, you faker.
I'm not even touching you.

I assume it's this. Oh... What
are you doing? She's pregnant.

What? (LAUGHS)

Hey! Cut it out!

Oh! Oh, no! I think
my water just broke.

Is it on me?

I'm fixing to
reproduce right now.

Call 811. No, Mitchell,
that's for livestock.

Call 911. I know, I know.

Pameron! Why didn't you tell
me? Well, why do you think?

I didn't want to disappoint you.

You know you're the
person I look up to most.

You're my family. I am.

Why do you think I came here?

(BREATHING HEAVILY) I wanted
to be near you when the baby...

(BOTH SHOUT)

But I thought maybe
if I got a job first,

I wouldn't look like
such a pathetic mess.

(BOTH SHOUT) (BREATHING HEAVILY)

What? (SHUDDERS)

I'm so cold. Oh, here, put
on Mitchell's bear costume.

Okay, so they're gonna
be here in 10 minutes.

I'll never make it! It's coming!
Okay. Okay. Mitchell! Okay.

It's all right, we're here for
you. Help me get her pants off.

All right, we need to get some
pillows up underneath her hips,

to get her birthing
canal properly angled.

All right, here we
go. Relax. Mitchell!

Wanna make sure that they don't
miss the house, so I'm just gonna...

Breathe. Breathe.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Frank and Lorraine, today marks the
public and legal joining of your souls,

marriage being above
all else, a contract.

(COUGHS)

Uh, one of my favorite
authors once wrote,

"If love is not all,
then it is nothing."

"This principle and its opposite

"collide down all the
years of my breathless tale."

(YAWNS)

Seeing Phil bomb up there,

I felt like a mama bird who had
just nudged her chick out of the nest

without a single
pun to break his fall.

"For man can no more survive without
love than a cooper without his billhook.

"Nor a whaler less
his flensing knife."

Words as true today as they were
when they were written 18,000 years ago.

That can't be right.

Now is the moment when I ask if
anyone here has reason to object

to the union of
these two people.

Thank you. I object.

I object to you not handing over
those diamond rings, preacher.

You hoy'd 'er. Hand over
the ice or I fill you full of "leed."

Lead. Honey, what are you doing?

Sorry, Padre. You had your
chance, I now pronounce you dead.

(ALL GASP)

When in the world... A lot
of questions for a cadaver.

(ALL GASP) Oh! Oh!

Don't you see? These
two's is in on this together.

Mind your own
potatoes, Daisy. Oh!

Excuse me, this is my wedding

and your funeral.

And one for the choir boy.

Missed me. (MAN GRUNTS)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Hey, uh, you guys feel like
doing one more paint job?

Only all of us this time?

Sure. (CHUCKLES)

PHIL: Sometimes life can be
simpler than we think. We're born.

You know, um, maybe we should let Pam and
the baby stay upstairs for a little while.

Mitchell was just saying...
No, he hates when I do that.

I was just saying that
maybe you and the baby

should stay
upstairs for a while.

Oh, Cam...

PHIL: We die.

You're all mad
with the devil's brew.

(ALL LAUGH) PHIL:
And in between,

if we're lucky, we laugh.

Which makes the
journey worth taking.

With that in mind...

Do you, Frank Dunphy,
the silliest man I know,

take Lorraine to be
your long suffering wife?

I do.

You may kiss the tomato.

Oh, yay! (APPLAUSE)

Your bed time was
an hour ago, senor.

I wanna finish this.

You don't even know how to read.

Stop worrying, there's
no monsters upstairs.

That paint works.

Mommy, can you check it?

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Your mother won't even let
me get rid of this sticky old tarp,

she's attached to everything.

Someday soon that will work
in your favor. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, careful with
that cinderblock.

Man, you couldn't
budge that with... Oh!

(SHOUTING) (LEAF BLOWER BLOWING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(JAY SHOUTING)

Great, now I have
a swamp monster.