Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 20 - All Things Being Equal - full transcript

Jay and I are partners
in a parking lot.

It's added a wonderful new
dynamic to our relationship.

The first step was hiring
someone to man the booth.

We narrowed it down to the
two candidates who applied.

I don't think it should be,

"I hope there's a place to park
near where I love to have lunch."

I think it should be,

"I hope there's a place to have
lunch near where I love to park."

Huh? (CHUCKLES)

So, Tibor, tell us why you're
excited about a career in parking.

It's good.



That's a tough one.
My top three... (SIGHS)

Destiny's Child,

Janet Jackson... Yes.

And my fave, Metallica.

Oh, my goodness,
you're so complex.

Tibor, what are your
favorite kinds of music?

Tibor.

It's good?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh! (EXCLAIMS)

Well, I think the
choice is clear.

Joan. Tibor.

I like his energy.
He doesn't have any.

Well, I like Joan, she's fun.



Take her to the movies.
This is a business.

Uh-oh.

Looks like we're at a stand-off.

God, not the coin!

Even super-duper pals like
Jay and I disagree sometimes,

so I dreamed up this baby.

If it comes up Phil, I win,

if it comes up Jay, he wins.

He hated this, but I told
him the coin adds ten pounds.

(HORNS HONKING)

HALEY: So, how hardcore
is this march going to be?

Just a peaceful gathering of women
working towards the same goal of equality.

We're not burning
bras or anything.

Good, 'cause I
just got my first one.

I'm not torching it
before Naomi's sleepover.

This is a really exciting
time for you, Lily.

This is your first
taste of feminism.

We're all here as your mentors.

Or womentors. Mmm.

Come on, I just coined that.

We fake laughed at "sheroic."

The well is dry.

This stupid traffic.

Look at all these women in
these cars, Lily, it's so inspiring.

All for one! One for... I'm
going to cut around these idiots.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

What was that?

Somebody shot out the tire!

Really? That's where you
go with this? It was a pothole.

The dashboard is going crazy.

It's a flat tire. Perfect.

I wouldn't know about flat.

Phil, we have a problem.

Aw. "We"?

I'm trying to get to that bakery
that makes those bear claws.

That chatterbox you and your coin
hired is clogging up our parking lot.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Oh, great, there
goes eight bucks.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, is
this an official partners' meeting?

Hold on. (CLEARS THROAT)

Good morning and
welcome, partners present,

Phil Dunphy... Put down
your stupid notebook!

You're the one who
wanted to hire her,

you've got to tell her to
speed it up or hit the road.

I want you to
know that I hear you

and we'll address
this post haste.

Now if we could move on
to some unfinished business

from the last meeting. Um...

"My feeling are still hurt

"from you telling me of all the
places you want me to put the coin."

Ah, it's after 10:00.

Too late to eat a bear claw now.

I'll be too sugared
up for my nap.

Everything is ruined!

Hey, you look busy.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm just
putting the finishing touches

on the costumes for
this year's school musical.

The one that's supposedly
based on your life,

but is a beat-for-beat
ripoff of The Wizard of Oz?

Mine is the story of
a precocious farm kid

who takes a magical
journey to the big city.

How is that Wizard of Oz?

Cam, you have a Tin Man.

That's our high school mascot.
We were the Mighty Milk Jugs.

You know this.

Hi, Pam. Hey, y'all. (SIGHING)

Listen, upstairs,
in the kitchen,

is there, um, one of those...

You know, things that, uh...

Wait. What were you asking me?

Pam, are you okay?

Oh, honey, you look exhausted.

The baby didn't
sleep again last night.

I haven't been this out of sorts
since that twister lifted up our house.

Told you.

That wind was so strong
it shucked all our corn.

It was like when... (SNORING)

She's sleeping? No, she's fine.

Our plow horse used
to do the same thing.

(BABY CRYING)

Baby's crying. Why
don't I put this on pause?

I'll come and
help you for a bit.

Oh, maybe Mitchell should help.

He's just so good with
baby Calhoun. (CHUCKLES)

I ought to call you
Uncle Secret Touch.

That seems like a "500 feet away
from a playground" kind of nickname.

(CHUCKLES) But I
will be happy to help.

I'll just be down here in
case nobody needs me.

Hey, why don't you head
upstairs, I'll be right up, okay?

Oh, thank you.

You know, you try to hide it,
but you are a sensitive soul.

Uncle Sneaky Feeler.

Before we go wide
with that, let's...

Cam.

What? I think it's great that she's
asking you to help out with baby Cal

instead of his own
flesh and blood.

I guess the only thing I'm good for is
putting on a wig and taking your SATs.

I cannot believe you're jealous.

I'm hardly jealous,
I'm much too busy.

Oh. Finishing the
flying monkeys?

They're not flying monkeys.

Let me ask you, what do you think
happens to possums during a tornado?

Park it over there
next to that Buick.

There he is.

Hey, Joan. How's
everything down here today?

Putting cars in spaces
and smiles on faces.

Well, except for
yours. What's wrong?

Oh, no, I'm good.
Yeah, definitely good.

Phil, if there's two things I
know, it's people and parking,

and you look like you're
trying to get out of a tough spot.

You see right through me.

There was an issue at
our partners' meeting...

Hold on, one second. Hey, sugar!

All right, girl, how
was the office party?

I kept all my
clothes on this time,

and you were right, I stayed away
from mixers and I'm not hungover!

See? You can't lose if
there's nothing but booze.

That deserves... Confetti
bomb! Oh! (CHUCKLING)

You're the greatest. (SQUEALS)

Park it over there
by that blue Toyota.

(SQUEALS) My girl.

She is a bit of a drinker, so I
like to give her a lot of space.

All right. Now, what do
you want to talk about?

Nothing. Everything
here is perfect.

Well, almost.
Something on your mind?

No, but something is
on my feet all day. Me.

How about a gel
mat for the booth?

Oh, I'm getting you a
mat, 'cause you're all that.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I love it!

Confetti bomb! Yes. (CHUCKLING)

It wasn't like I was
checking up on him.

I had my nap and I came
by for an afternoon claw.

I don't have a lot
going on right now.

I think it's this one.

Hey, guys, why don't we
just call roadside assistance?

I'm sure they'll send somebody.

If today's all about girl power,
why can't we just fix it ourselves?

I knew we shouldn't
have brought her.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's funny, we've only been volunteering
here at the women's march for an hour.

Five minutes. It feels
like I'm part something big.

Something really special.

Would you snap a picture?

So you can prove you were
here and get school credit,

and be home faster than the ink
dries on that poster you just misspelled.

"Women untie"? Still works.

Luke, these women
deserve our respect.

They've had to overcome biases
and challenges we've never had to face.

They're the granddaughters
of the suffrage movement.

Sitting through your little
speech, that's suffrage.

Oh, my God. It's Danielle
Pardoe from calculus.

Who? You wouldn't know her,

you run in different circles.

She's in honors classes
and you, well, run in circles.

Hey, Manny, it's
so cool you're here.

And I'm here too, Luke Dunphy.

You saw me now and you
saw me at the end of the march.

If you guys are making signs,
here are some of the issues.

Women make 79
cents on the dollar,

and the government wants to
tell me what I can do with my body.

How would you feel if...

Whoa! She blew my mind.

Society treats girls like
second-class citizens.

I've spent a lot of time
on women's websites,

but none of this
stuff ever came up.

You're watching strong
women in action, Lily.

When we put our minds together,
there's nothing we can't achieve.

This is too hard.
Ugh, I give up.

Let's just get the manual.

Great idea, I like that.

You see, Lily, there are no
fairy tales, no damsels in distress.

We are more than just
a bunch of pretty faces.

There's nothing in the
glove box, but makeup.

Oh, yeah, because the manual wouldn't
fit with my emergency touch up kit.

I would like to revisit
Gloria's idea about giving up.

Oh, that's setting
a great example.

What do you think would have
happened if Marie Curie had given up?

She wouldn't have died
of radiation poisoning.

How on earth did you know that?

You talk about her a lot.

Until I saw her on that stamp, I
thought she was your girlfriend.

Gloria, I can't believe you don't
know how to change your tire.

You drove a taxi.
Surely you had a flat!

I had a lot of flats,

but I would reapply my
makeup and I would wait,

and then in five minutes I
would have my own pit crew.

You know, after we
get this tire changed,

you still want to go to the rally or
should we just drop you off in 1950?

Uh, guys, there's a...

You need help with that
tire? No, we're good, thanks.

What are you guys talking about?

She's a woman and she
wants to help with the tire.

She checks all the boxes.

Right. Um...

Hello, we were trying to change our tire,
but there's something wrong with the jack.

Let me check it out. Yup.

Uh-huh. Oh, that.

Okay. There you go.

CLAIRE: I guess she
didn't need that one.

You're hired.

Great. Let's get this
baby off the ground.

I'm Joey, by the way. Hi.

Thank you. (GIGGLES)

I'm Haley.

What? She's
awesome, it's confusing.

I read your script, baby.

If you got third act problems,
you got first act problems.

You are so right.

Park it next to the Honda
and flush out your antagonist.

Hey. Hey, Jay.

How is Gloria,
Manny, Joe and Stella?

What, you got index cards?

Listen, your chattiness is
gumming up the works here.

You're not here to socialize,
so just get 'em in, get 'em out.

Are you asking me not to talk to
people? 'Cause that is what I do.

And Phil don't seem to
have a problem with it.

No, but I do.

Well, to quote Sammy Davis Jr.,

"I've gotta be me."

To quote Frank Sinatra,
who I met once in a restaurant,

"Get out of my booth." Huh.

Okay.

Fine with me.

Hey, where do I park?
Between two lines.

Ugh. An old squash
injury. You played squash?

No, I grew the heaviest
one in the county.

Oh. (YAWNS)

I had to carry it
inside every night.

On account of poachers.

Hi, little baby Calhoun.

It's your Uncle Cam.

Your real uncle, not that guy, Mitchell,
who's just somebody I met at a party.

You and I are going to be the
best friends in the whole wide...

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, no, no, no.

Why would you wake
the baby? I just was...

He was... He was finally asleep.

Yeah, but he was
just... I got him.

It's going to be okay.
Come here, baby.

Aw... Oh...

Thank you.

I was about to wig out
worse than Princess Margaret

when her boyfriend was
banished by Elizabeth.

Oh, yeah.

You watched The
Crown without me?

Come on, Cal, it's no fun
watching this angry queen.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh...

I can't believe you.

We're only on episode four,
and there are literally no spoilers.

I'm talking about you and
your weird new little family.

You have turned that baby
against me. What did you say to him?

Cam, only you could turn
this into something negative.

There's nothing wrong with
your sister and I becoming closer.

We have a very
special relationship,

kind of like the one the Queen
had with her private secretary.

You son of a bitch!

It's history.

Do you know that there are
only a handful of female CEOs

in the entire Fortune 500?

That's crazy.

Women can drive a race
car just as well as a man.

You joke. Huh?

I'm only in high school and I
see casual sexism on the daily.

I know, I hear the way Mr. Easton
mansplains everything to you.

What's that? It's when
a man tries to explain

something to a woman
that she already knows.

Are you mansplaining
"mansplaining" to me right now?

I was talking about your snack.

It's trail mix.

You know who else blazed
a trail? Geraldine Ferraro!

Hey, Joan, it's me.

Matman.

What are you doing
here? Where's Joan?

You were supposed to
handle it, but you didn't,

so I had to take time out of my extremely
busy day and try to straighten her out,

but she didn't go along with
the program, so she's gone.

You did this without talking to
me? We're supposed to be partners.

We're going to
hire that Tibor guy.

He barely speaks English
but there'll be no chattiness.

Although I did
try that with Gloria

and eventually they watch
so much TV, they figure it out.

But the coin decided.
Screw the coin!

There's no line, and Joan never
had this many cars in the lot.

People liked her,
she was good at this!

Relax. This is parking
cars, not building closets.

Excuse me.

There's like four
cars blocking me in.

I'll get 'em out of
your way in a jiffy.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

"Oh, no" is right, the
yoga class just got out.

Here, stand on this, you
might be here for a while.

So good.

(SNORING)

Pam?

Hey, thank God.

Let's go bed.

No, I'm not tired.

This is why your neck and
shoulders are always hurting,

you're falling
asleep standing up.

Come on. Let's get
you to bed. Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. (GRUNTS)

Okay. All right. Oh, my prince.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(ALL CLAMORING)
All right, relax.

Calm down! Calm down.
Who drives the Prius?

With a Whole Foods reward card?

Where's Joan? I need my car.

Seriously... Confetti bomb!

We're full.

Everything's fine.
I've rehired Joan.

We don't need her. Who drives
the car with the silver keys?

Phil, am I doing this or not?

Joan, the lot is yours.

All right. Wendy,

let's get you in that minivan
and home to your diabetic cat.

You cannot unilaterally
rehire her, Phil.

You mean how you fired
her without talking to me?

If we disagree about something,
we're supposed to flip over it.

I think we should flip over
whether we should even be partners.

Maybe we should
do it right now. Great.

If it comes up Phil, we keep
going, if it comes up Jay, we end it.

What are you two fools doing?

This isn't working out.
And it's not going to

until you start treating
this man like your equal.

You think you're some big-shot
boss and you can just push him around.

Thank you, Joan. Zip it.

You let him do it. Mmm?

Do yourself a favor, learn something
from Jay, like how to be tough.

You guys don't
need a stupid coin.

You need each other.

Now, say something nice.

Um...

I always have admired
your toughness.

All right. Your turn.

And I always thought you were...

happy.

See? Huh!

Ha! (BOTH EXCLAIM)

And that is how you do that.

Oh, hey. There you are.

Listen, it was wrong of me to
say something weird was going on

between you and Pameron. I
don't know what I was thinking.

Clearly, you guys
have a perfectly normal

sister and gay
brother-in-law relationship.

You saw it on the baby
monitor, didn't you?

It was even creepier
in night vision.

I don't know what happened.

You both have the same lips
and you kiss the same, and...

We did learn to kiss
on the same hedge post.

Ew.

Mitchell, could I speak
to you in private, please?

Why? Do you want to
some more necking? Stop it.

You were bragging on it?
He saw it on the baby monitor.

And you were
watching, you horny toad.

Pam, let's calm down, you're
kind of embarrassing yourself.

I know. (SOBBING)

I'm such a mess.

And just so tired.

Plus I fell asleep to the scene
of the Queen's horses doing it.

Hello? Spoiler
alert. It's just...

I'm sorry if I've
been such a burden.

No, you're not a burden.

No. Come on, listen...
(CONTINUES SOBBING)

The truth is I've kind of enjoyed
being super daddy to a baby,

'cause I've never had that.

Oh, what are you talking
about? You were great with Lily.

No, you were great with,
Lily. In the beginning I...

I was a mess, so I
let you take the lead.

I don't know, maybe I'm just
trying to prove something to myself.

Oh, sweety, I had no idea, but
you don't have anything to prove,

you're a great dad.

Well... You both are.

But I'm a disaster.

No, white couch.
Let's get you up.

I don't think I can
do all this by myself.

You know what? The good news is,

you don't have to any
of this all by yourself

because you have a family
right down here who loves you

and will do anything we
need to do to help you.

(BABY CRYING)

Good. That means
the world to me.

Besides, I know that cry.

Somebody else is
changing that diaper. Not it.

Ugh.

So, women can't win?

They're penalized if they work and
they're penalized if they stay home.

Exactly.

Luke, when I woke up this
morning and came to the rally,

I never thought I would
meet somebody like you.

You're up.

It's my turn.

I can't believe
she's falling for this.

I've believed in this
cause my whole life.

You spend an afternoon faking it
and she kisses you almost on the lips.

I'm not faking anything.

She got through to me.

Women, and girls, and
the men who honor us...

It's a crime what women in
this country have to go through.

I'm with her 100 percent.

We will never accomplish
anything without sacrifice.

Damn straight!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
for it to happen, but

Danielle and I made a connection.
I'm sticking with her as long as it takes.

That's why until women
have true equality

I will remain celibate!

Let's get out of here.

Now that the jack is lowered

and all the lug nuts are snug,

you just have to tighten
everything in a cross pattern.

Oh. Oh.

Why don't you each do one?

If it's okay, I'd rather not
get grease all over me.

Hey, you can't change the world
without getting your hands dirty.

ALL: Whoa!

Okay, give me that.

(SIGHS)

You're right. This is great. It
feels like I can do anything.

You're loosening
it. Oh. Oh, sorry.

Thank you, Joey.
You did that so fast.

Well, cars are in my blood.

You know my grandmother
ran her own garage.

That's so awesome. There must've
been a lot of prejudice back then.

There was, but eventually she
started fixing Irish people's cars.

GLORIA: Oh.

Well, Lily, why
don't you finish it off?

I'm not strong enough.

Well, then let me help
you. We're stronger together.

ALL: Whoa.

Oh, wow. I guess we
are stronger together.

I'm sorry I put you down before.
You are a formidable woman, Gloria.

You deserve respect.

No, Claire, you are the
one that deserves respect.

You have raised three wonderful
children, you run a company.

You don't waste time
on silly things like,

the way your hair looks,
you just get things done.

And that is it. You
guys are all set.

Thank you so much. Is there any
way we could pay you for your time?

No, no, absolutely
not. I'm happy to help.

Let me reset your tire pressure
monitor, so it doesn't beep at you all day.

Yes, please. Go right ahead.

See that, Lily? We didn't need
a man to help us get out of this.

This is what happens when
women help other women.

Oh...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

She's probably just
making sure it works, right?

So that bitch stole my car.

On a positive note, it
is nice to see a woman

break into a previously
male dominated field.

My makeup was not insured.

It's the perfect solution.

Can we just make a decision?

What's going on?

Oh, your father and I have
been arguing for over an hour.

Fortunately I made a special
coin with my face on one side

and your mom's on the other.

Ugh. Susan B. Unflattering.
Okay, here we go.

It came up Claire.
Yup! Getting cremated.

Damn it. Okay,
here's another one.

My head, we use our
nest egg for a beach condo,

yours, the kids' safety
net. Hey, not cool.

BOTH: Oh!

So sorry, you guys.

You can come visit.

You know, if you can afford it.