Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 18 - Five Minutes - full transcript

CAMERON: Hey.

I just caught a
glimpse of our pilot

and he looks exactly like Sully.

I think it is Sully.

I think that's a woman.

No, it's a... Yeah.

Oh, I know what
you're doing here,

you're testing the limits
of my feminism. (LAUGHS)

I will have you know that I am

perfectly fine putting my life
in the hands of a female pilot.

MAN: (ON PA) Hi,
folks, this is your captain.



Oh, thank God. Mmm-hmm.

CAPTAIN: Our flight time to Turks
and Caicos is six hours, 24 minutes.

Flight attendants,
prepare for takeoff. All right.

It's time to take our special
flying medicine Ronaldo gave us.

What does "cuidado" mean?

I think it means "sleep tight."

Wow. Oh, well...

Cheers. Cuidado.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

(FLIGHT ENGINE HUMMING)

(RUMBLING)

What happened? Did we land?
(ENGINE POWERING DOWN)

Oh, man, that stuff is good.



CAPTAIN: (ON PA) Bad news,
folks, we have some mechanical issues

and we will need to
head back to the gate.

Okay, anytime you
head back to the gate,

that means your
flight's not taking off.

Gather your things. We're
gonna need to scramble

to find another one. (SNORING)

Okay, Mr. Pritchett,
there is a connecting flight

to Dallas that leaves
in five minutes.

You can catch it if you hurry.
I don't want to go to Dallas.

We're going to Turks and Caicos.

Dallas is just where you
make your connection.

I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard
time processing information right now.

We took sleeping pills.

Just make your way
over to gate 32. Okay.

Okay. Okay, wow.

Wait. Why do these say
"Dallas"? I have no idea.

Sorry. There's been
a horrible mistake.

We don't want to go to
Dallas. (MOUTHING WORDS)

Okay. Listen carefully,

you're connecting in
Dallas to Turks and Caicos.

You need to be at
gate 32 in four minutes.

Do you understand? Yes.

I'm not an idiot.

Okay, we have to be at
gate four in 32 minutes.

No! Gate 32.
Write it down. Okay.

Why's she so angry?

Isn't it obvious?
She's totally into me.

She gave me a
marker... I'm... I'm sorry...

Okay.

I'm going to follow
you. Yeah, okay.

Wrong!

I knew it. Instinct.

Okay. Yes. Wait.

No, my bag went.
My bag's gone. Okay.

Okay... It has
my passport in it.

Wait. That guy...

He has my bag.

Excuse me, sir. Nice
try stealing my bag.

I see you've already painted it.

Cam, it's back on your shoulder!

Oh, my God.

You are good.

Cam, listen to
me, listen to me...

If we're going to have any
chance of getting to Dallas

and then surviving there,

we are going to need hats.

Hats. Hats...

Excuse me, sir. Sir, are you the
proprietor of this haberdashery?

Can you point me in the
direction of your finest sports caps?

What team? Gay.

I'm not sure why
that's relevant. Oh.

Okay. I'll just...

Hey, I have a question for you.

When you're outside the
workplace do you wear hats,

or does that just make you feel
like you're always in the office?

You know what? I think
I'm going to get these...

No, Mitchell, we can't...

(GASPS) Oh, look, little girls'
hats, we should get one for Linda.

Who? Um, our daughter.

No, it's Lily. Oh,
I love that name.

Mitchell, why do you have
32 written on your arm?

I have no idea. Maybe
it's some sort of code.

Or maybe it's my age.

Do I look 32 to you?
Tell me the truth.

You know what? Don't.

Well, if we wrote it down, it
must be something important.

Hey, we should write down
other stuff that seems important,

so we don't forget.
Yeah, okay. Uh, well...

Hats. Hats, obviously. Okay.

What else? You feel
like there is... A number.

There was... 32.32.

ANNOUNCER: (ON PA) Passengers
Mitchell Pritchett and Cameron Tucker...

You're hearing
that, right? Yeah.

Please report to
gate 32 immediately.

(WHISPERS) Are we in trouble?
(WHISPERS) I don't know.

He sounds mad. He does.

Hey... No. No, no, Cam. Don't.

Don't you dare.
Don't... Don't you dare.

Oh, I... It just looks
so soft and inviting.

I don't think I can go on.

Tell Linda I love her.

You're going to
tell Linda yourself.

I cannot go to
Dallas without you.

The portions there are so big.

Oh! I'm just so tired.
I'm so very tired.

I just need to close my eyes.

Oh! Knock it off!

Ow! You're going to suck it up,

you're going to pull your act
together, and you're coming with me

to gate 32-32.
That can't be right.

We're just never
going to make it.

Oh, my God, you're right.

We're going to
die in this airport.

(BOTH SIGH)

(PA SYSTEM BEEPS)

ANNOUNCER: Final boarding
call for flight 224 to Dallas...

Wait. There's still
time. There's still...

Sir, stop! Stop!

Is there a way that you
can take us to gate 32?

Yeah, I guess. Okay. Wow.

Thank you so much. You
are a life saver. Please hurry.

Okay. (TIRES SCREECH)

We're here.

Thank you. Thank you so
much. Thank you so much.

Mitch and Cam. Hi,
we're Mitch and Cam.

I'm Mitch, he's Cam.

Mr. Tucker and Mr. Pritchett,
you made it just in time.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you.

Lucy. Her name is Lucy.
We're coming home, Lucy.

Hey, everyone!

We are firing up the hologram
to the Starship Enterprise

in five minutes.

Be there or be square.

I don't think he
had to "or" that one.

You know honey,
now that we're here,

I'm not sure it's such a
great idea to barge in on Alex.

Claire, I'm worried.
She's not returning texts,

her friend says she
never goes out. (SIGHS)

This is first act of
every Lifetime movie

about college girl meltdowns.

Yeah, but maybe we
should give a little heads up.

That's what Alicia Silverstone's
mom Judith Light thought

in From Straight A's
to a Straight Jacket.

(SIGHS) Trust me,
this is the best way

to make sure she's not spending
her nights holed up and depressed.

Alex? Honey, it's Mom and Dad.

Oh, well, maybe
this is a good sign.

Maybe she's already
out with friends,

she's... BOTH: Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

Thought we'd pop by, say "Hi,"
maybe take you out for a bite.

Unless you've already got

fun group dinner plans.
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)

My burrito's ready.

You're drinking?

Wine helps me sleep sometimes.

I really wish you
guys had called,

I'm so busy with
school stuff right now,

and this place is a mess.

(CAT MEOWS)

Aw!

There you are. You got a cat?

It's not mine. You stole a cat?

She's like Neve Campbell
in From Yale to Jail.

Oh, God. Honey,
you sure you're okay?

It's Saturday night, you're
drinking wine in your bathrobe

with a "come from nowhere" cat.

What's wrong with that? Take
away the cat and I'm basically you.

Mmm. Honey.

I know what it's like to
be an outsider in college.

The cool kids and I used
to try to make 'em feel better

by leaving banana
bread outside their door.

We'd knock and then run
off and hide behind a bush

and watch 'em just to see
the expression on their face...

Phil...

Your dad and I
are just concerned

'cause you've been
so distant lately.

I told you I've been busy.

Nobody's saying you don't
lead a full life, you study,

you make burritos... Mmm-hmm.

Maybe... Maybe
you're just a little lonely.

Or depressed. I'm fine, mom!

'Cause we could always
get you back into therapy.

Yes. Or have you move home

with us. God, stop!

Why do you guys always just
assume I'm some depressed loser?

Did it ever occur to you that
maybe I've been so distant

because I've been
busy with my own life?

Maybe I'm doing great.

Maybe I'm spending
time with someone special.

(TRUNK OPENS)

Yeah! Oh!

That's right. Ben,
what are you doing?

I told you to stay in there!

I'm sorry, I thought you were
like building to a big reveal.

I wasn't! You and
Ben? (STAMMERS)

Honey, isn't he 50? He's 26.

It runs in my family, I'm going
to look like this until the day I die.

So this is why you haven't
been coming home?

You've been dating
your mom's assistant?

Oh, God. I'm actually
a marketing manager.

You know what?
This might go better

for everyone if you throw a towel
on. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

Claire, could you not
fire me? (STAMMERS)

How long have you two
been sneaking around?

A couple of months.

We took a break when I went
to San Diego. What? We did?

Just... Is this okay?

(CAT MEOWS) Erm...

Yeah, we put it in for
her. It's a feline burrito.

Wait a minute. I knew
I recognized that thing.

You should know, he brings that
cat to work and apparently on dates.

He thought it was
time to bring together

the two most special
ladies in his life.

I cannot go to work every day

and wondering why he's got
that stupid smile on his face.

Why are you making
this all about you?

This is the first adult
relationship I've had in... ever.

But it's with Ben. (MEOWS)

It's okay. She didn't mean that.

Claire, can I talk
to you for a second?

Oh, you can agree with
me in front of everyone.

Actually I think you're
overreacting a little.

What? We came here thinking

our daughter was in
some sort of a depression

and it turns out
she's dating someone.

I mean, he's actually
pretty sweet and harmless.

Are you, Ben? Are you
harmless? Please, don't. Don't...

He kissed me! You kissed my mom?

You kissed my wife?

I thought I had to or
I would lose my job.

Okay. That's for real.
We were working late,

it was just the two of us. She reached
over to grab a spring roll, I guess,

but she got right in my
face and she whispered,

"Mmm, Mumma's hungry."

I have to say Claire,
this one might be on you.

Like, I would abuse my
position to take advantage

of you and not Tony
from the warehouse?

Who's Tony from
the warehouse? Just...

The kiss was an honest mistake.

Maybe, but it was still a little
off like most things are with Ben.

Maybe I like "a little off,"

and that's not all he is.

He's an amazing person
who somehow gets me.

He's thoughtful and smart, and I
feel like I can be myself around him.

And his nose does this little
wiggly thing when he sleeps.

(CHUCKLES) You watch me
sleep? Dude, I watch you sleep.

I'm really glad that
this is finally out

and I can tell people
how I feel about you.

I really like you,
Ben, like a lot.

And I have never loved
anyone as much as you...

Don't make this weird. Yeah.

She's not sad and lonely.
No, it's so much worse.

Look at her, Claire. Have
you ever seen Alex so happy?

Oh, crap.

(MOTOR HUMMING)
STUDENTS: Three, two, one!

(MOTOR POWERS DOWN)
(STUDENTS GROAN)

That's my hand, Ben.
BEN: I'm sorry. My bad.

Speed it up, Manny. The
movie starts in five minutes.

Sorry, but I'm not going
over 20 miles an hour

with this cappuccino
machine not strapped in.

Once I perfect
my foam art skills

my freshmen dorm
will be the place to be.

I think we can put off that
talk about using protection.

Mmm. Look, there's
a spot right there.

Looks tight, but
I'll give it a try.

You're too close
to the curb. (SIGHS)

You're going to hit it. Oh.

What did I tell you? It's
okay, papi, you can do it.

(CAR HORN BLARING) (SIGHS)

Go around!

Oh, really? Well, here's
a bouquet of them!

Okay. Let's try this again.

(EXHALES)

(BEEPING) (THUD)

Oh. Oh, okay.
Get out, I'll do it.

Surprise, surprise.
What was that?

Nothing. I was just
saying that I am surprised

that you want to take
over like you usually do.

But I am not. What are you
cagey for? What did I do?

(CAR HORN BLARES)
Okay, this spot's not happening.

Well, I didn't want
to say anything,

but the other night when
we were at Jeff and Sally's,

and I was in the
middle of telling a story,

you just took over and told the
ending, and that was very rude.

Okay, this one
looks good. It's huge.

That's what's bothering you?

I jumped into save you!

You were flailing, you were
drowning in sea of unnecessary details.

How?

That's the way I like to tell a
story. I like to paint a picture.

Stories should be
short and simple.

Don't tell me anything
I don't need to know.

I am taking you on a journey.

I am not teaching you
how to build a bookcase.

Seriously? You saw me waiting, you
couldn't tell me you weren't leaving?

You brought your
own shopping bags

but you left your
manners at home!

I'm just saying your story
would be easier to follow

if you didn't take
so many side trips,

and you thought about
the build a little bit.

You're with me on
this, aren't you, Manny?

I like Mom's stories. See.

I'm just going to pull in here.

Twelve bucks? No wonder
the middle class is so angry.

There's no way you would
be able to follow her story.

Yes, he would have.
Fine. Tell it again.

A couple of weeks ago,
I go to the grocery store.

The one on Washington that has
the tiny little wine bar to the right.

So, I come in, I'm
looking for paper towels

and I think, "Mmm,
I'm going to treat myself

"with some wine
and some cheese,"

because why not?

So I order my drink,
and when I look up

I thought I saw Sandra Bullock.

Stop. Right there you just said

you thought you
saw Sandra Bullock.

I already know the ending,
it wasn't her. End of story.

Yeah, but you don't even
know who it really was!

But I know it's not Sandra
Bullock so I'm not invested.

You know, I really loved
her in that movie, Gravity.

Who cares? She wasn't there!

Oh, please be leaving.

May I finish my story?

So I start following Sandra
Bullock. Not Sandra Bullock.

Around the grocery store.

She goes first to
the "frozen" section,

then she goes to
the "detergent" aisle.

I'm thinking to
myself this whole time,

"I am going to go
and introduce myself,

"but it has to be
at the right time."

So, I keep following her.

Eventually, she leaves
the store, she goes outside,

which was actually
really hot that January.

Because remember last year...

We know the month,
we know the weather,

we know it's not Sandra
Bullock. MANNY: Are you leaving?

I want your spot. Oh, please.

Don't flatter yourself, lady.
Manny, are you listening?

No. Sorry, I wasn't
paying attention.

Because you're not
holding his attention.

This is what I've
been talking about,

too many useless details.

Get on with it! So
she turns around,

she takes her sunglasses
off, which was really weird

because it was
the exact same pair

that I bought last year,
that I lost on the plane...

Nobody cares about
your sunglasses.

Just get to the end!
I don't want to now.

The woman turns to
your mother and says,

"Oh, my God. Are
you Salma Hayek?"

Here we go. I'm just
trying to help you.

Put on blinker, check mirrors,
watch jerk steal your spot,

regret quitting
karate in fourth grade.

You know what, Jay? This is
not about who tells the best story,

this is about you
jumping in that night,

like you just wanted
me to stop talking

because I was embarrassing
you or something.

You made me feel stupid.

You think it's nothing,
but you hurt my feelings.

Gloria, that's the last
thing I meant to happen.

(SIGHS) You're just saying
that, you don't really understand.

No. I'm sorry.

Hell, I'm the last guy
who wants to make

somebody feel like
they sound stupid.

Did I ever you about the little boy
from my neighborhood who stuttered?

He was real self-conscious
about it. What kid wouldn't be?

At school when the teacher
would ask him a question,

he tried so hard
to get the words out

but it just wouldn't come.

Rest of the kids stared at him
which only made the stuttering worse.

They'd whisper behind
his back and laugh.

Finally got to the point when
the teacher called on him

to answer a question.
Even if he knew the answer,

he'd just say, "I don't know."

And the teacher would
shake his head and say,

"Next time study harder, Jay."

You were that little kid?

So sad. That must have
been very hard for you.

It was. We're parked. (SIGHS)

Okay. The movie's
about to start. Yeah.

Let's go.

Man, I haven't thought
about that in years.

That was really moving.

'Cause that's how
you tell a story.

Hi, could you bring out the
birthday cake in like five minutes?

Sure. Do you want the
whole song and everything?

Oh, that'd be
great. I only asked

'cause we don't love
doing it. Okay, thanks.

So, birthday boy,
how are you feeling?

Um, a little nervous
actually. Why?

Uh... Well... Oh, my God.

Haley, when I woke up this
morning I just had this feeling...

And I know this is sudden.

But like any mid-to-large
market weatherman,

I trust my instincts.

And it might have something
to do with turning 45.

But today my instincts told me

not to wait another second to spend
the rest of my life with the woman I love.

Haley Gwendolyn
Dunphy, will you marry me?

Yes. Yes, I'll marry
you. Really? You will?

(LAUGHING) Yeah! Oh!

It just feels right. I
don't want to overthink it.

That's what I love about you,
you don't overthink anything.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Oh, you made me the
happiest man in the world.

I don't know how to say this
without sounding superficial

but I need a closer look
at ring. Sit down. Sit down.

It was my grandmother's.

She hid it in her hollowed out wooden
foot during The Great Depression.

So crazy, my
grandmother's on Snapchat.

It's beautiful. I didn't
ruin the surprise, did I?

I mean, I was trying to
act normal through dinner,

I just couldn't hide
how nervous I was.

It's how I imagined fans feel
when they come up and meet me.

No, I didn't expect it at all!

I just thought you were
nervous because the light's

on the right side
of your face. Yeah.

Oh. Look at me, I can't
stop smiling. (LAUGHS)

Usually I like to save
my smiles for on camera

because they come
off more real that way,

but this is worth it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

That's odd. What's wrong?

It's raining. I
didn't predict that.

I called for clear
skies tonight. Hmm.

Oh. Should we order some
champagne to celebrate?

I can't believe my
forecast was wrong.

Oh, don't beat
yourself up about it.

If it helps, my weather
app didn't predict rain either.

Your what? Nothing.

Oh, good God.
Look at those winds.

They must register at least
a ten on the Beaufort scale.

Think of all the
sunroofs left open.

Think of all the freshly
blown out hair devolumizing.

How could I not see
this coming? Rainer.

Is this the only thing I
was off about today?

(CHUCKLING) What do you mean?

Let's face it, Haley, I
did not think this through.

I mean, where are
we going to live?

My place has only
one walk-in closet,

which would stay mine,

and how's my daughter going
to feel about us getting married?

Are you going to want to have
children? Can I even have more children?

(WHISPERS) I've spent a
lot of time in tanning beds.

Well, I think you're
spinning a little.

Look, sometimes when
I'm reorganizing my closet

I feel overwhelmed, like I'm
never going to get through it all.

So I force myself to look
at things in smaller sections.

I arrange five pairs
of shoes at a time,

twelve hours later I'm
done. So that's what we'll do.

We'll take things
five years at a time.

In five years I'll be 50.

What? What did you
think 45 plus five was?

Well, until today you were 44,

which I basically
convinced myself was 40,

and now suddenly we're talking
about 50 which is basically 60.

Wait. Why are you panicking?

I'm the one who can't
mess up another marriage.

I mean, you mess up the
first one, fine it's a mulligan.

But the second one
fails and suddenly

I'm the problem. I lose
my chance at being

the spokesperson for Blue
Monsoon Korean energy drink.

Let's just take a breath.

It's natural to
freak out a little bit.

We're making a
lifetime commitment.

We're going to be
together forever.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Just you and me.

Forever.

You just said that?

(LAUGHING) I know,
because... Because it's great.

That's what every
girl wants, right?

I mean, sure, I'm
still really young

and obviously there's so
much more I thought I'd do

before I tied myself down to
one person for the rest of my life.

Does anyone ever truly
feel ready to get married?

I mean, probably. Hey.

But it's not like I'm dying, I
just won't be single anymore.

I won't ever go on a date again,

I won't ever have a first kiss,

I won't ever dance near a DJ booth
hoping someone will like what they see

and offer me a ride home.
(BREATHING SHAKILY)

Is it... Is it me, or it's
just crazy hot in here?

Can someone open the
window, please? No, they can't,

because as I did not
predict it's raining outside.

Yew, my finger is swelling up.

Oh, why is your grandmother's
Depression ring so tight?

Give me that butter.

Wait. Let me help
you with that. Um...

I got it. Ow!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay. I'm fine.

At least the ring came off.

(WHISPERS) Ow!

Yeah. Feels better.
(CHUCKLES DRYLY)

Look, um...

Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should re-think
this whole marriage thing.

I don't remember saying that.

It's clear you're having
doubts, we both are.

Let's just keep dating
and see where it goes.

I don't want to do
that. I mean, I...

Clearly I've had some
commitment issues

and I know I had a
momentary freak-out there

but I was... I had no
idea that you would...

Haley, I know it's unfair.

I guess I was just hoping you'd
be sure enough for the both of us.

You're right. That is unfair.

You're really giving this back?

Just for now.

Haley, I'm 45 years
old. I don't want to just

date and see where things go.
That's not where I am in my life.

What are you saying?

What I think we're both saying.

WAITRESSES:
Happ... No, no. Don't.

Oh, good.

Do you want to
blow out the candles?

(RAINER BLOWS)

(CAMERON SNORING)

Sir? Sir?

What happened?
Are we in Dallas yet?

No, we've left Dallas.
We're in Turks and Caicos.

We need to clean
the plane. What?

Do you remember being in Dallas?

No, we must have
slept through it.

You're wearing a
cowboy hat. So are you.

What is this?

I don't think we're
supposed to have that.

(DEVICE HUMMING)

(BEEPING)

So, it appears I've
gotten a piercing. What?

Mmm-hmm. Murry?

Why does your arm say,
"Murry"? (DOG BARKS)

Who... Whose dog is this?

What do you mean, "Whose dog?"

You refused to board
without him. I did?

Okay.

Let's go. I don't remember
my bag being this heavy.

Uh-oh.