Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Verdict - full transcript

Honey, would you buy a closet called --

shh! I am waiting to see
if I get to go tomorrow.

Jury duty. You know,
you can just throw that away.

There's no way they can
ever tell you got it.

Jay, you're a bad American.

It is a privilege to serve on a jury.

For the first time,
I get to be part of it.

Talk to me when you're eating a
tuna sandwich out of a machine.

Anyway, it's a distressed-oak
model that I like to call --

wait, wait! Wait!

Oh! I'm in!



8:00 A.M. tomorrow.
Parking structure "c"!

You're excited about
a parking structure?

It's not even "a" or "b".

You're gonna have to take my
place working at Joe's school.

I can't do that. I have a job.

Have Claire cover for you.

She knows how to yell at people
and read the newspaper.

What the hell's wrong with that school?

Aren't we paying them so we don't
have to take care of our kid?

That's not the way it works
at the learning barn.

You know that they want
the parents to be involved

so that they can bond with the kids.

What's wrong with schools today?

I'm successful,
and I had a nun with a mustache.



Well, you better
get used to going there,

because if I get put
into a murder trial,

I could be gone for weeks.

Maybe I should tell them

that I have experience
on a firing squad.

Why do you say crazy stuff like that?

Now, that isn't true, is it?

Wait a second.

That new closet,
what did I say it was called?

You never said.

Damn it!

That's why I need a
grease pencil in the shower.

# Modern Family 7x05 #
The Verdict
Original Air Date on October 21, 2015

Oh, I don't know, Haley.

I mean, he is really cute and
really smart and really funny,

but, oh, he's always wearing clogs.

Oh, no, no.

If he is not a chef, a nurse,
or a tulip salesman,

you need to run.

Hey, if your mother had that
attitude about a man in clogs,

you two wouldn't have a dad.

Okay, thanks, dad. I won't let you down.

Bye.

Guess what, guys.

I am going to be the big boss
at work tomorrow,

and coincidentally, it's
take your daughter to work day.

Huh? I'll go to work with you, mom.

Stop trying to get out
of community service.

You need those hours to graduate.

And you're not a daughter.

Mom, dad, sit down.

There's something
I need to talk to you about.

You're going.

So, girls, what do you say?

Uh, you know we're not 8,
and I have a job.

You called in sick twice
last week because you had a zit.

I work in fashion.
They told me not to come in.

Alex, honey, your last class
tomorrow is at 10:00 A.M.,

so if you hit the road --
no, no, no, no!

Haley, quick, close the laptop!

Until now, I was always a full-time mom,

so the girls never had a chance
to see the other side of me --

you know, powerful woman in charge.

Yeah, 'cause we never
get to see your tough side.

Come on, daddy, we're gonna
be late for your work.

I know. I'm excited, too.

Okay, I was wrong.

The whistles aren't better outside.

Are you sure you can get all
these groceries home by yourself?

I don't know. I'm kind of scared.

I've never driven groceries home before.

Hey, you guys.

Ray-- Raymond? Raymond!

Hi. Oh, it's been so long.

Yeah. Haven't seen you since, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Raymond and j'Marcus
broke up three months ago,

and they'd been together
almost as long as we have.

J'Marcus got all the friends,

and Raymond got all the confidence

to go shopping in his pajamas.

You guys having a party?

No, no. Party? No, not a party.

Olive medley, square napkins,
cracker trio.

Um, well, these things
are just more for a --

what would you say?

Kind of like a get-together.

Get-together, get-together.
It's a last-minute thing.

Yeah. It's no big deal.

Sounds fun. No, it's not gonna be fun.

No. It's crackers.

Yeah. It's supposed to rain.

Well... I'll see you guys.

Yes. You, too, Raymond.

Bye-bye. Take care of yourself.

Phew! That was close.

I thought we were gonna
have to invite him.

Hey, Raymond, you should come tonight.

Really?

It wouldn't be a get-together
without Raymond.

Right, cam? Absolutely.

Yeah. Oh, you know what? But...

I should tell you, J'Marcus
is gonna be there. Yeah.

So, if that's gonna be uncomfortable,

we totally understand.

No, it's fine. I'll be there.

It'll be nice to see j'Marcus again.

Maybe he'll bring one
of those shirtless ab sluts

I've seen on his Facebook page.

I'll see you guys. Yeah. Yeah, see ya.

Okay. Look forward to it.

-You, too.
-Yeah. Yeah.

What was I supposed to do?

I mean, he was all sad
and pathetic and broken.

Oh, well, yes, the perfect
addition to any party.

They are gonna be
at each other's throats

and ruin the whole night. Come on, lily.

Thanks to you, we are throwing

the antisocial event of the season.

Cam. No, I'm late and
I'd like to leave on that.

Hi. I'm -- I'm here.

Well, this is a special treat.

I spy with my little eye
a first-time volunteer!

Gloria had jury duty, so no
chance I could get out of this

by pretending to be racist?

Anyway, uh... What do you need?

You can set up the paints,
make the kale smoothies,

and wipe down the rabbit hutch.

On it. Margaret?

Paint, smoothies, hutch.

Got it. Excuse me.

Who's this?
That's Margaret, my assistant.

I couldn't have children.

This is not how it works
with parent volunteers.

You're already playing fast and loose

with that term "volunteer,"
so...What do you say?

As much as we don't like
to use the word "no" --

and, by the way, if any of these
little tykes start acting up,

she's not afraid to get out
the wooden spoon.

Jay, I know it's a little scary,

but you're going to have to let her go.

I don't want her to go.

Margaret, just go. I'll distract him.

Come back.

Margaret, don't turn around.

Okay, men.

Gather 'round.

Teachable moment.

Don't think of community service
as a requirement.

Think of cleaning up this park
as an opportunity.

To get hepatitis?

To make the world a better place.

That's why I'm here.

I already did my required hours.

That's a fancy way
of saying you're a virgin.

Joke all you want, but this looks good

on an application to nyu or ucla or kfc.

Okay, stop trash-talking
and start trash picking up.

I-I'll get that.

Hey! There he is.

Hey...You.

How long's it been, Mr. real estate?

Well, you tell me, Mr. you.

I'm usually really good
with names and faces,

but I could not remember
who this guy was.

Fortunately, I found that
one perfectly worded question

can get you
all the information you need.

How's things?

Good. Uh-huh.

How's the beautiful wife?

Claire's great. Yeah.

Thank you so much for asking.

How's... How's your situation?

Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'.
Mm-hmm.

Actually, I'm glad
I'm running into you like this.

My car just got towed,

and my wallet and cellphone
were in there.

Oh. Could you possibly lend me
some money for cab fare or...

Yes. Oh.

Of course.

How's, uh, $40 with a little extra

in case you run into trouble?

I want to make sure you get back
to your house in, uh --

time for dinner, I hope.

Thanks, man. You're the best.

Hey, dad.

Oh, my God.

Last time I saw you, you were so small.

I better run. Thanks, pal.

All right, buddy. Good to see you.

Dad. Hmm?

That guy just scammed you.

No, he didn't.

It's a classic scam.

You pretend you know someone
and then borrow money.

Okay.

Men, gather 'round.
Teachable mome-- hey.

Just -- a circle. Gather means a circle.

What did you just see?

A squirrel eating a band-aid.

No. You saw a man helping out
a friend in need.

If he was your friend, what's his name?

That slipped my mind.

Did you recognize him at all?

Gentlemen, don't be cynics like Luke.

Don't let your skinny jeans cut
off the blood to your hearts.

I'm with you, Phil.

I choose to believe
in the goodness of men.

You have a condom stuck to your shoe.

Oh.

Defense also has no objection
to juror 14.

Moving on, juror 15.

Here. Ask me anything. I am an American.

All right.

When someone hires a lawyer,

do you think they're more likely
to be guilty?

No.

Thank you.

When they play with their hair
like he is,

that's when I know that they're guilty.

Your honor, we request dismissal
of juror 15.

Why? I'm very good at reading people.

He is guilty.

And, by the way, so is the guy
that is behind him.

He's not even on trial.

Well, then he should be.

I don't know what you did,
but you did it!

Your honor.

He's getting away.

Juror 15, you are dismissed.

Ay! No, please, your excellency.

I just want to do my part as a citizen.

Lady, you can stop acting crazy.
You got out.

_

Ladies, right this way. Come on in.

Oh, you're in grandpa's office?

Yeah. Of course I am.

It's no big deal.
I'm in here all the time.

I mean, practically every day
at this...This point.

This is...

It's not usually such a...Thing.

There we go. Have a seat.

Does that guy with the tattoos
still work on the loading docks?

When I was 15,
he gave me my first catcall.

Pretty sure that was his last day.

Huh.

Hey. Oh, where's Jay?

He's not here, but I'm filling in.

What can I do you for?

I'll ask him tomorrow.

Are you sure? Uh...

Men are often intimidated
by a strong, powerful woman.

Jay around?

No, he's not.

Oh, damn it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Captain's chair is not empty.

I'm here. Let me help you.

Seriously? Seriously, huh?

Okay. Well, we need to take a
delivery of 100 mirrored doors,

but warehouse one and two are both full.

Huh.

Okay, I know what to do.
I've got this. Uh...

What if we move the drawers
into that busted semi

in loading dock four?

And that works because --
that frees up warehouse two.

Worst-case scenario,
we're a day late on delivery.

But they'll be mad at us.

We'll give them a break off shipping?

I don't know. Maybe like --

10%! Ha.

We did it. Yeah!

Huh?

Good job, team.

You see, what I did there

is I created a framework
for problem solving,

and I didn't spoon-feed them
the answers.

It's just good management.

Yeah. That's exactly
what it looked like.

Hey, Jay, I need a decision
on that -- oh, boy.

Get back here, dom.

What needs to be decided?

Well, we're throwing that party
later for herm's retirement,

and Jay's just sort of the master

when it comes to picking out cakes.

Oh, I'm here. I can pick out a cake.

Uh, ice cream cake.

Mm, I don't know about that.

It's a cake. It'll be fine.

Okay, is there a number where
I could reach... Just get it.

Jay?

No matter how big or small the issue,

people want their leaders
to be decisive.

Oh, definitely. Of course.

What flavor? Mint chip.

I'll come back. I said mint chip!

Hey, Joe! You want to...

I'm like Bruce Willis
in "The Sixth Sense".

Jay, will you please put the
craft table over on the hemp rug?

No.

For a word you don't use,
I'm sure hearing it a lot.

That's the craft table.

You're holding the feelings table,

where we talk about how we feel.

Hey, Mr. table, I feel like
breaking you over a hippie.

Well, you're the lawyer.

When can I go to jury duty again?

Uh, you know, I have no idea.

You're literally the first
person who has ever asked that.

I am so frustrated.

This reminds me when I was
a little girl in my village

and we had no power.

Oh, this is the story about the TV set

powered by the donkey, right?

No, political power.

We had no say in anything.

But now I am an American,

so I thought things
were going to be different.

I wanted to listen to testimony,
look at the evidence,

have somebody burst in
with new information.

Mitchell, guess what just happened.

You're home early.

I have a two-hour lunch Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday.

And summers off.

I'm beginning to get the low pay.

This just in.

Pepper says he's not coming

if both j'Marcus and Raymond are here.

"If I wanted this much tension
in a space that small,

I'd go up to my mother's room."

That's not nice.

We can't afford
to have another bad party.

You have to call Raymond
right now and un-invite him.

I-I can't believe you and pepper

aren't being more compassionate
about this.

Raymond is a human being.

What is the problem with
inviting majarcus and roland?

They had a horrible breakup.

Months ago.

Gloria, what do you think?

I think I need to know more
before I adjudicate.

Adjudicate?

When the skies were clear
and the donkey was very strong,

we would watch "L.A. Law".

That is the mockup room.

Hey, guys.

Keep up the mocking.

It's important to keep it fun.

Ooh. Look at that.

The design team's having a meeting.

What do you say we go in there

and give them a couple "attaboys," huh?

No. No, they look really busy.

Don't be silly.

Everybody wants face time with the boss.

Oh!

Oh.

Mom, are you okay?

Alex, I'm fine.

Oh, my God. What?

Your pupil is the size of a nickel. Oh.

It looks like half of you
went to a rave.

Claire, we have a storage problem.

If it's those mirrored doors,
I think I solved that one.

No, some idiot ordered herm
an ice cream cake.

I don't think that name-calling --

wait, how is that a storage problem?

The damn thing won't fit in the freezer.

It's melting like a son of a bitch.

Well, then, um, find
the smallest room we've got

and crank the a/c full blast, hmm?

Oh, that's a great idea. Thank you.

Maybe later, we could turn
the heat up in the broom closet,

bake muffins.

Complete disaster.

I'm gonna say something.

You people are being ridiculous.

It's a freaking mint chip cake.

Mint chip?

Yeah, mint chip.

You're gonna love it.

And if it's melting, so what?

We move the party up a little.

In fact, why don't you tell everybody

to be in the mill in 10 minutes.

But Jay's not here.

Yeah, who will give
herm's farewell speech?

I will.

Give him the best farewell
speech herm has ever heard.

Mom, are you sure you're up for this?

Yeah, you look a little loopy.

You know what? I'll be fine.

Just as soon as I figure out
who herm is.

Keep it up, gentlemen.

Hey, dad, remember that time
you were getting ripped off?

You're still on this.

I took a picture of the guy
and sent it to mom.

She swears she's never
seen him before in her life.

Your mom could say that

about anyone she met at a party
with an open bar.

Sounds like someone could use
another teachable moment.

Oh, I'm good, dad. Men, gather 'round.

Teachable mo-- mother of...

Luke here still thinks I got ripped off,

but if that guy wasn't legit,

how did he know that Luke was my son?

Because I called you dad.

But how did he know
that you used to be small?

I get the problem with that one.

Phil, don't give in
to his hipster cynicism.

I admire your childlike faith in people.

And, Luke, answer me this.

If this guy is such a con man,

how did he know your dad
was Mr. real estate?

Boom!

Someone give this kid a Mike to drop.

Wow. You got me.

I'm actually feeling
a little dizzy because of that.

My whole world view has been rocked.

I'm just gonna sit down
before I pass out.

Pretty smug for a guy
sitting on pigeon droppings.

Totally worth it.

_

I was standing outside
feeling sorry for myself.

# Larry the lonely leopard #

# couldn't change his spots #

# but once he put his smile on #

# look at all the friends he's got #

Then I realized I was
Larry the lonely leopard.

I just needed to put my smile on.

That song works on so many levels.

Whoo!

Hi, gang. I'm Joe's dad.

Hey, uh, anybody want to hear a story?

That's a great idea, Jay! Okay.

This one's called
"the teeny tiny house".

Ooh.

"In a teeny tiny town...

On a teeny tiny block

stood a teeny tiny house
with a teeny tiny --"

you're old.

You seen my wife, big ears?

After that, big ears' parents and I

had to spend a little time
at the feelings table.

Let me see if I'm understanding this.

So, you have known radar longer,
but jemima is the fun one.

Uh, yes, and kudos for really
zeroing in on those names.

Come on. Raymond's fun.

Name one fun thing he does.

One -- so many things.

Okay, this he does this thing

where he imitates
his parents' answering machine.

It's hilarious. It kills every time.

And it's j'Marcus. Damn it.

Mitchell, why is this Raymond
so important to you?

What is it that you're not telling us?

Nothing.

Isn't it true that
you have feelings for him?

No.

Admit it. You have a crush on him.

I don't.

You love him. You want to be with him.

And you won't stop until
Cameron is out of the picture.

Okay, okay, you're -- you're crazy.

Then why? Be--

Because I am Raymond.

Mm.

What?

Yeah, if -- if we ever broke up,

all of our friends would pick you,

and I'd be the one who's left behind.

Oh, honey, that's not true.

I would make them invite you to stuff.

He's lying. I can tell from the
way he's playing with his hair.

No, I-I think you really got to it.

Say it. Okay, fine -- cam!

Cam's the one, all right?
Cam's the one I'm worried about.

He's the one who's gonna be left behind.

I rest my case.

Well, I don't rest mine.

Why do you think I'm the one
that's gonna be left behind?

I'm the belle of the ball.

Right there -- that's the type of thing

you should let other people say.

About a woman.

Nobody really cares about
your political rants.

Our friends don't want to hear
about the koch brothers

unless you're talking about
a couple hot guys

in a bathroom at a nightclub.

Cam, you have no filter.

You say whatever rude thing
you're thinking,

and that ruffles feathers.

Feathers has terrible breath,

and I was the only one
with the decency to tell him.

Okay, that's it. Both of you sit down.

I have reached my decision.

Raymond is coming to the party.

Yes!

It's a smart precedent to set,

because after what I heard here today,

I think there is a big chance

that both of you
are going to be left out.

Wow. Uh, you know you're
not under oath, right?

Hey, there he is.

How long's it been, Mr. sport coat?

And there it was.
The ultimate teachable moment.

I guess the answer is nothing.

Nothing separates us from animals.

Grow up, Manny. Human beings
are basically terrible.

Yeah.

Hey! What the hell?

There he is! Mr. full-of-garbage.

What are you doing?

Payback for turning a bunch
of innocent kids into cynics

by preying on my good nature
and pretending you know me!

Yeah!

Phil -- Dr. monty lemon.

I delivered Luke.

Dr. monty lemon was thinner,
had more hair,

and was a good 15 years younger
than you -- oh.

Oh, yeah. You're in my baby photos.

Anybody wants cake, grab a cup.

I'll have some.

It's mint chip.

Oh.

Did it.

I got herm's personnel file,
and I wrote a kickass speech.

Your eye is turning black and blue.

Yeah, and -- and what happened
to your hand?

Um, nothing.

I just gashed it trying to get
into the filing cabinet.

Nothing a stitch or two
at urgent care can't fix.

Hey, uh, "boss," are we gonna do this?

Oh, we're doing this.

I know it's been a tricky day,

but I am so glad the two of you
are here to see this.

Okay, everyone, gather 'round.

Just bring it in.

Let me get your attention here.

Oh, oh!

Mom! Mom!

Stupid ice cream cake.

I'm okay. Ooh. Oh, God.

Mom, stay down.

No. I need this.

I know you think you need
to impress us, but you don't.

You've impressed us our whole lives.

And especially today.

Nobody but you could put up
with this much punishment

and keep going.

It means so much.

It really does, but
I've got a job to do.

And I'm gonna do it.

Herm is so many things
to so many people.

To his three sons, he is a role model.

To his wife, Dolores,
he is a devoted husband.

And to his six rescue beagles, he --

wrong herm. What?

You're talking about herm Anderson.

Herm Kowalski is the one
who's retiring today.

There are two herms?

Three. Okay, I'm out.

Ow.

Jay?

In here with the booze.

Oh, ay. How are you?

Fine. Why?

The school called,

and they said that
a mean boy made fun of you.

Shh! He can probably hear us from here.

Kid had ears bigger than Stella's.

Other than that, how was it?

Like me in the tube slide --
not a good fit.

Just not my thing.

And don't give me that business
about bonding,

because Joe didn't even know
I was there.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I got rejected from jury duty,

so you don't have to
go to school anymore.

Mommy! Mommy!

Hey!

Ay-yi-yi.

How was your school day?

Best day ever 'cause daddy was there.

Really?

Did you like daddy being in school?

He made snacks, he read books,

and now I call Tommy "big ears".

I'm glad that stuck.

That's so nice.

Daddy, can you come back tomorrow?

Do you really want me
to come back tomorrow?

Yeah.

Huh.

What do you know?

I'm a hit.

_

Anyone there?

Hey, little help?

Hello?

Tommy?

Tommy.

Oh, hey. I'm kind of stuck here.

Could you go get a grown-up?

Sorry. Can't hear you.

Really?

With those ears?

I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

What do you want, money? I got money.

Go ahead, use the credit cards.

You'll spend less than my wife.