Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - She Crazy - full transcript

Okay, who would hate to miss
the chance of a lifetime

by not helping me
build a duck village today?

That was some tricky wording.

That's how he gets us.

I got it -- I would not hate to miss

the chance of a lifetime
by not helping you.

But only 'cause I have work.

I've got a driving lesson.

Uh, something.

Honey, you found those eggs weeks ago,

and they still haven't hatched.



Should you prepare yourself
for the possibility

that they might be...

Alligators?

-Dead.
-What?!

Can you believe your sister?

Yeah, I do. They're dead.

The only thing that's dead
in this kitchen

is your childlike sense of wonder.

Morning, dunphys.

Oh, still no ducks, huh?

Fascinating creatures.
I just read a book about them.

You did?

Yes, mom. Dylan reads.

It was my nephew's book.



It was about a duck and a penguin

who go on vacation together.

You could touch the duck's fuzz.

Bloop-bloop!

That's the sound she makes when
she wants me to fast-forward.

I feel you, money.

Claire does the same thing to me.

I think it started when I was
inventing that new dental floss.

Bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop!

So, the book said ducklings
imprint on their mom

as soon as they're born.

Their brains are so small,
they just latch on to something

and follow it around
as a way to find food.

Yum.

So, Dylan, I'm building
a duck village later.

-You want to help?
-Whoa, whoa.

That's some tricky wording
on that question.

He'd love to, but he's still --

It's time! Boil some towels!

Every time I have an egg? Really?

# Modern Family 7x04 #
She Crazy
Original Air Date on October 14, 2015

Tucker goes deep!

Watch it.

Cam!

Hut, hut, hut! Munch, you open?

Oh, he's open!

Right there! There it is! Boom!

We have been renting the upstairs unit

to some frat boys
from cam's old college.

They're here for some big game

and to try and get on
"the price is right".

Unfortunately for me,

it has brought out
cam's "bromosexual" side.

-Epic throw, bro.
-Yeah!

Actually, that is a cashmere throw,

which now has a footprint on it.

Dudes, beer pong!

Pong, pong, pong!

Beers are in the fridge, bros.

Fridge, fridge, fridge, fridge!

-No, hang on, bro.
-What's up, sweetie?

Oh, look who's back.

Um, so I see that you invited
your friends again today.

Yeah, aren't they fun?
And how cute is jace?

We held hands earlier.

We were arm wrestling,
but it still counts.

-Uh-huh.
-We found the fridge!

Yo, you did!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

That's jace.

How many s's in "jace"? I heard 12.

I'm just trying to make
our guests feel comfortable.

All right, let's do this!

Why is daddy talking like that?

She crazy.

Ay, what is it?!

You can always tell
when something's wrong.

What is her name?

Chelsea, the prettiest barista
who's ever served me

a double-shot half-caff
caramel macchiato

with a dusting of cinnamon.

I want to talk to her,

but whenever I do,
all I can say is, "mmmm".

Maybe you used up all your words
ordering that coffee.

Why are you so scared?

Any woman would be so lucky to
look into those beautiful eyes

and listen to that sweet voice.

-She's so --
-shh! My show is on!

Ay, que Linda...

Mariela morales is my favorite actress,

and she's staying in a hotel in town

under the fake name carmelita contreras.

I am going to wait for her at the lobby,

and I know I sound like a stalker,

but -- but this is very different,

because when we meet,
we're going to be best friends.

I can already smell her hair.

Okay, commercials.

So, this is what you're going to do.

First you're gonna take me
to the hotel to meet mariela.

I'm gonna invite her over
for dinner tonight.

She has a charity event at 5:00,
but they're not serving food.

-Stalker.
-While I'm with mariela,

you're gonna go back to your coffee girl

and you're gonna give her
the chance to get to know you.

-You really think I --
-shh!

Commercial is over.

-This show again?
-Yes.

I don't know what it is.
I love this character so much.

Itengo sed!

Who's the old crank?

Her husband, of course.

?Por qu? nadie me quiere?

Who's the disaster with the scarf?

Her son, pepito.

You at least look like your guy.

-My guy --
-can it, pepito.

-Hey, honey.
-Hmm?

Can you read that?

-"Quack Nicholson".
-Oh, good.

If I spent the whole morning
painting these

tiny duck mailboxes
and no one could read them,

I'd feel pretty ridiculous.

Phil, duck feed!

Hey, that's almost my name.

Or "I'm sorry"?

You're right. I'm sorry. I'll, uh --

I'll sweep that up in a minute.

Just come over here
and help dust me off.

I've got an important meeting,

and I can't go into the office
covered in flaxseed.

It's actually a proprietary blend

of oats, grub worms, and cricket parts.

-And we're dusting.
-Yeah, sorry.

Yeah. You're not nervous about
the meeting today, are you?

Yeah, I am.

This is the first time I'm
pitching closet-design ideas

to my dad and his
pretentious creative team.

You mean the young guys
with the walking sticks

-at the Christmas party?
-Yes.

They don't think anybody in
corporate can do what they do,

but my ideas are good.

Or they suck.

I've got it!

I'm sure your ideas are great.
Stop doubting.

The more you believe in
yourself, the more they will.

Thank you.

-Hey, nerds.
-Ha!

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Ignore this.
-Oh, yeah.

So, what's this super-fun project

you want me to help you with?

We are building a duck village.

-Oh.
-Um, hey, mom,

my driving instructor
just canceled on me.

Oh, shoot, fine. Fine, I'll take you.

Oh, shoot, fine. I'll sit in the back.

No, no, no. You're gonna
stay here and help Phil.

Let's go meet your cousins.

Well, thanks, Uncle Mitch.

Yeah.

You know Luke has failed that
driver's test twice now, right?

My options today are frat house,
duck village, or car crash.

I'm feeling very comfortable
with my decision.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

What are you doing with those lights?

I'm trying to get some heat
on these eggs.

Due to a grocery mishap,

they spent about seven minutes
in the fridge.

So, uh, eggs he found a month ago,

building a whole village for them now...

How's everything at home? Okay?

There is some debate as to
the alive-ness of the ducklings.

But I have to say,

living with that kind of
belief and optimism,

it just rubs off on you.

I am just gonna...

This should keep my eggs warm.

_

You're so quiet.
What am I doing wrong?

Nothing.

Silence makes me nervous.

Talk about something.

Tell me about your day.

Uh, okay.

Well, this morning, uh, I woke up

and almost got my nose broken
by a football.

We have some frat guys staying upstairs,

and cam hangs out with them a lot.

And you're not okay with that?

I don't know. I-I guess.

Who cares?

Come on, let me in.

Okay, if I'm being honest,

I find cam's behavior
a little embarrassing,

you know, with all of his
"yos" and "bros".

I mean, calm down.

You're a middle-aged gay man

who punctuates sentences with your hip.

Finally.

I know. It feels good
to admit it, you know?

Go on.

You know what else is really irritating?

How needy he is with them.

Let me in.

What up, bro?

Do you seriously not know
how loud you're being?

The neighbors are complaining.

I give you guys respect,
and you give me nothing.

I mean, we -- we --

Got you!

What?

You should have seen your faces.

-Oh.
-You were like, "what?

W-we -- we really are j-just so sorry!"

-You got us.
-That was a good one, bro.

You got to do shots with us.

-Okay.
-Munch, get the jaeger.

Yeah, should we serve
the potion in cups of Dixie?

-Or the --
-just get it, dude.

Yeah.

I just had the sickest idea.

Caminal should join our mission.

Who's caminal? Am I -- am I caminal?

You want -- you want me
to go on a mission?

Of course! You're auto-bid, dog.

Okay, what is this mission?

This first.

Presenting lord and lady jaeger.

Does this smell the way
it's supposed to smell, or...

We were low, and I had to mix.

Presenting lord and lady
jaeger-cuervo-weiser.

Cam! Cam! Cam!

Oh, yeah.

Whoo!

Oh!

Ew, ew.

Yeah.

So, that's just the rough idea.

If you want to see more sketches,

just check out my closetcloud account.

Um, look, I know I'm just a suit
in this company,

but I've got to say,
I'm a little underwhelmed.

I love it. By the reaction
from the rest of you suits.

Come on, we're a family. Right?

So, honey, are we all set
for our pitch with George Ross

-this afternoon?
-Yes, sir.

What did I tell you
about "honey" at the office?

Sorry.

Okay, so, if there's nothing else --

actually, um, if -- if you don't mind,

I'd like to show you
some designs of my own.

So, corporate is pitching
creative ideas now?

I know I don't look like I just
rode to work on my skateboard.

Snap. Look at you.

But for people who are paid to
think outside the box,

you people are pretty inside the box

when it comes to the box
we call the mighty closet.

-Lights.
-So I guess we're doing this.

I like to call this model
the ambassador.

After the success
of our royal renaissance series,

I thought, "why not brushed
brass for the valet rods?"

Been done. Lights.

What? I'm -- I'm sorry.

We tried it five years ago.
It didn't work.

Silk shirts slip off the brass.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'm just getting started.

Lights.

This model features
a hidden tilt-out hamper.

-That's a terrific idea.
-I'm glad you think so.

...is what Ken Sutton's boss told him

when he pitched it in 1992.

Lights.

You've got to know your history.

-Mm-hmm.
-Honestly.

Mm-hmm. So, it's --

it's originality you're looking for.

You're not seriously coming in here,

pitching me the Tennessee slider.

-Wow.
-Wow.

Wow.

Is that the best you've got?

Uh...

Okay, I think we're done here.

Yeah.

Hey, mom.

Oh, hi, Manny.

How did it go with your coffee girl?

Really great, actually. Yeah, I --

-you're lying.
-How could you tell?

I couldn't. You just confessed.

I got up to the counter and panicked.

I bought two Christmas cds, a
muffin I didn't need, then left.

Ay, Manny, please just talk to her.

She's like everybody else.
What's wrong with you?

Mom, I'm not you.

When I walk into a room,
everyone's head doesn't turn.

People don't laugh extra hard
at my jokes.

The world is different
for people like you.

-Ay, Manny, but you --
-I don't -- really don't want to

talk about it anymore.

You better hurry.
You're gonna miss your chance.

Okay, stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Mariela! Mariela morales!

S??

?Hola!

Ma-Mariel--

Ay, what's wrong with me?

M-Mariel...

Somebody order six large pizzas?

Hey, uh, somebody pay the pizza guy.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. We're here for the party.

We should be on the list.

Oh. Aw, yeah, my bad.

Yeah, see, for a second,
I thought you guys

were just a couple Illinois douches

who thought that I'd be dumb enough

just to let you walk in --

What the hell?!

Go!

Go, go!

Meet at the rendezvous!

So, this is the post office,

'cause where else are they
gonna get their "bills"?

Of course, you got to
waddle past this guy

to get to the nail salon.

And word on the street is

they're putting in a crossfit next door.

Why are these two eggs sticky?

Uh, because the neighbor's dog
is a real slobberer,

but lucky, he's not very fast.

My teacher says that there's
no such thing as weird,

just different.

Aw, that's a lovely random thought.

I drew up plans for a duckingham palace,

but I can't find them,

so I guess we'll just have to "wing" it.

What the heck is that?

Oh, it's a duck call
to make the ducklings feel safe.

Should there be another adult present?

No.

But there should be a kid present.

That kid is you.

You've got your whole life
to roll your eyes.

Today isn't just about
building a duck village.

It's about building your smile.

Don't fight it.

There it is.

As you can see, our little duck
harbor has a working lighthouse.

Wait a second -- what in
the world did he just say?

A working lighthouse?
Yes, it is working.

Pretty cool, huh?

Easy -- easy, lily.

Forget everything
you've ever heard about eggs.

They're actually quite delicate.

You've got to be very care--
son of a -- aah!

-Oh, no!
-Aah!

Oh! Aah! Hot!

Hot, hot!

Okay.

Look.

We've got a runner!

No!

Hey, good as new.

Uh, she crazy.

_

He makes me feel like an
outsider in my own home, and...

Now that I think about it,

ever since we started renting
that upstairs apartment...

Do we want to take this detour?

No, it's relevant. Stay with me.

It's not just the frat boys. No.

He's this way with all of our guests.

Cam doesn't change the sheets

as much as he changes his personality.

All right, ladies.

We got some steaming-hot tea,

some popping-hot biscuits.

Now, let's have a little
sizzling-hot gossip.

-Do not go in there!
-Don't!

Do not open -- oh, my God!

-No!
-Girl, do not go back in there!

Oh, my God!

I just think cam tries too hard.

It's like he's begging to be liked.

Wait, is this a one-way street?

Oh, that's a fair question.

I don't -- I guess I could make
more of an effort with people.

I just --

It doesn't exactly come naturally to me.

Oh, cam! Cam!

I couldn't even find anything to
say to two red-headed lawyers.

-I'm lost.
-I know.

I'm all over the place.

I think that I'm just maybe jealous

that he can hit it off with anybody.

But I can't be mad at him
for being likable.

I mean, that's one of the
reasons I fell in love with him.

Cam?

Who else would I be talking about?

No, the pizza guy with the goat
looks like Uncle cam.

Okay, I feel like there's a story here.

Hey, honey.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, for the sake of our marriage,

I'm gonna assume that
this is frat-related.

Oh, look -- the belt I got you.

Okay, pull over.

Cam, could you just stop for a second?

Hey, hey, hey -- come on, stop.

Look, I'm sorry.

For the past few weeks, I've
been rolling my eyes at you,

thinking that you had
this pathological need

to be liked by everyone, but
I couldn't have been more wrong.

All right? People are just drawn to you.

No, I do have a pathological
need to be liked.

I knew it.
This is a stupid prank gone wrong,

and I've --
I'm separated from the guys.

I wanted them to like me
so much I stole a goat.

I'm a rustler, Mitchell.

I'm a filthy rustler.

Okay, well, that seems worse
to you than it does to me.

I do it with all of our guests.

I change who I am
so they'll like me more.

-It's exhausting.
-Well, then, stop,

because you're likable enough
just being you.

I know.

And this insecurity is
a part of me that I do not love.

-Caminal!
-What's up, my brothers?!

-Cam.
-What is wrong with me?

Get in -- we got a goat to paint!

No, you know what, guys?

This isn't right.

This is not who I am.

So I'm gonna take the goat back,

and if you were ever truly my
friend, you'll understand.

-Boo!
-You both suck!

-Boo!
-Hey.

You suck.

All right, come on.

Okay, I'll -- I'll put her in back,

and, um, don't worry --
she's really friendly.

I ain't afraid of no goats.

Okay, send me the contracts.

I never could resist a pretty face.

Stop it, George. I'm married.

I'm gonna run to the men's room.

So, everything all right?
You've barely said a word.

Well, it's not like you needed my help,

and I think I embarrassed myself
enough for one day.

Look, I might have been too hard
on you before.

I'm just tired of everyone

always pitching me their closet ideas.

If I had a nickel for
every time someone came to me

with "the next great closet,"

I'd have a Pegasus series
split-level walk-in

full of nickels.

But, dad, I'm in the biz.

I should have known that
those are old design ideas.

No one nails it on the first try.

Hell, I once pitched
a clamshell shoe container

with a living hinge.

-No.
-I was young.

Pfft.

Keep with it.

You'll get there eventually.

Thanks.

We all set?

Let me settle up.

Okay.

Thanks, dad.

-Pretty exciting lunch, huh?
-Hmm?

The same Caesar salad, the same
closets I order every year.

Yeah, but you're happy with them, right?

They're closets.

I-if you're ever looking to
expand your horizons a little,

I have some design ideas that
are fresh of the drawing board.

I'm sorry. Oh, gosh.

That's my husband's birdseed.

I'd love to give you a look-see here.

I'll take care of this.

Whoa! Heavens.

"Duckingham palace"?

Oh, no, no. No, no, sorry.

Those are the wrong ones.

Um, wrong plans.

I've got other ones,
and they're -- they're super.

They're...

Um... Oh, gosh.

Oh, my God. What --
it's -- it's on my head, right?

It's on my head. Okay.

God. Okay. I know it's in here.

-Oh, my God.
-It's in here.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, it's in my shirt.

-I was gone for 30 seconds.
-Dad, dad!

Well, that was forever.

I'm so embarrassed.

I've never freaked out like that.

How bad was it?

I mean...

I'm so sorry that
I gave you such a hard time

about not talking to Chelsea.

Actually, you kind of helped me out.

How?

Seeing you fall apart like that --

stutter, twitch, and babble --

okay, bloop-bloop.

You're the most confident woman
in the world,

and if someone like you can be human,

then I don't have to feel bad
about chickening out with girls.

You know who else is human? Chelsea.

So why do you feel
so intimidated by her?

Go. Go over there.

There's no time.

She gets off at 5:00 on Saturday

so that she can pick up her
dry cleaning and make 6:00 yoga.

Stalker.

Call her.

Really?

Yes. You can do it.

Okay.

Hi, Chelsea?

I was in earlier,
wearing the green jacket

that's louder than that guy
laughing at his own screenplay?

She's laughing!

I would like to take you out
for coffee sometime,

maybe at a place
you don't have to make it?

Great. O-okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

She said yes.

Of course she did.

I'm so proud of you.

You see, that's what it is
to be a confident person.

And you got all of it from your mother.

Mam -- ay!

Ay, what's her name?!

What size tubing would I need

for three ducklings to slide through?

Cost is no ob-- where are you going?

To the back to check on it?
Thank you so much!

Well, look at you playing with
rocks just like a real kid.

Yep.

Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay.

I feel bad leaving them alone.

Probably safer that way.

I know people think I'm crazy.

It's just more fun believing
even when no one else does.

Anyone can be a doubter.

Did I ever tell you how I got them?

No, but I, uh...

I found them abandoned in
someone's yard, the poor things.

No mother.

No one to take care of them.

So, they're orphans?

Where did their mother go?

I don't know.

I know I'm all they have now.

-Hello.
-Hey, honey.

Can I ask you a tiny little favor? Okay.

Can you rotate the eggs
90 degrees, clockwise?

No, Phil, I can't. I can't.

I am tired, and I am sweaty,

and as much as I have tried to
stay positive like you all day,

I think sometimes we
need to just face certain facts

like corporate people are not creative,

and ducks that haven't hatched
in a month might never.

Just turn the eggs, lady!

You know what?

Kind of done with birds for the day.

Oh, my God, Phil.

-I think it's hatching.
-Wait, what?

-Are you sure?
-Uh...

What -- what do I do?

Okay, uh, stay calm.

I-I'll talk you through the labor.

They're coming, lily!

Okay, Claire -- tell me what you see!

Oh, God. I think I see a beak.

Well, the good news is we're not breach.

It looks like it's struggling
to break through.

Okay, if you are concerned
about traumatizing him,

strap on that toucan beak
I wore last Halloween

when we dressed as froot loops
and start pecking.

I'm using a fork.

Steady hands, Claire, please.

I've seen you play "operation".

Oh, it's hatched!

It's so cute.

Oh, it's so cute!

I can't believe I'm missing this!

Hey, buddy!

We're telling people I was there!

I think another one's hatching.

What?! I'm sorry, lily.

Speed bump in three, two...

Ow.

Oh, my God, all three?!

-That's amazing!
-I know.

-Lily, take a picture!
-Yep.

Here.

Hi, buddy.

Okay, ready?

One, two --

hold up, hold up.

He's in my shirt.

Another bird in my shirt.

Got it.

Okay.

_

I'm going to bed. Good night, sweetie.

Mm. Good night.

Wait. You know what?

I was just thinking,

if those duck eggs were still viable...

Mm?

Maybe we should find out if you've got

one or two fighters left in there, too.

No, thank you.

I'm done with little ones
running around the house.

Stay.

Oh, I said stay.

The ducks imprinted on Claire.

It's n-not a big deal.

Come on, guys.

She said stay!

Come on.