Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - The More You Ignore Me - full transcript

Phil's insecurities about not being a rebel are triggered by Claire's reactions to Luke and Alex's surprising behavior. Even worse, Phil's adopted duck family continues to ignore him, while Luke feels ignored by every girl he's interested in. Haley, Dylan, Andy, and Beth spend time together, forcing Haley to be honest with herself about her romantic intentions. Cam and Mitch's attempt to sell their homemade hot sauce leads them to discover an exciting opportunity to partner with another family member. Jay struggles to prepare for an event honoring his success in business, and in doing so, motivates Mitch and Gloria to pursue their own business endeavors.


Come on. Why aren't they
transferring to me?

I look just like you.

Maybe I don't have the scent right.

A few weeks ago,
I found a nest of duck eggs.

I, uh... I lovingly nursed them,

and then, uh, by some...sick fluke,

Claire was the only one there
when the ducks were born,

so they imprinted on her.

Oh, I didn't do it on purpose.

Then make them come back to me. Mm.

Who's calling at this hour?

Hello?

Yes?

Luke's been arrested!

# Modern Family 7x06 #
The More You Ignore Me
Original Air Date on November 11, 2015

Well, good morning, Leonard.

Leonar--

I know it's not
my well-behaved son, Luke,

who'd never take our car out
without a license

and get arrested.

I took the car for a good reason.

Sarah Fisher's cat died,
and she was devastated,

so I thought she might make out with me.

I got caught two blocks away
from her house.

Everyone is having great luck
with girls except for me.

And I mean everyone.

When is a tuba-strap rash
not a tuba-strap rash?

When it's hickeys.

You know, we're gonna have to
ground you,

and I was thinking that --

Oh, we're doing way more than that.

Landon has a $300 fine to work off.

We could fight that --
say the cop was racist.

Even if we lose,
it'll start a conversation.

You made a mistake,
you pay the consequences, Levon.

Your first job is cleaning out

the awesome village
I built for my ducks.

Aren't they Mom's ducks?

Do you really want to
test me right now?!

Well, you, sir, take your time deciding.

We'll be here
just as sure as a coonhound

takes a summer nap
in the shade of a chifferobe.

Okay, now you're just randomly
throwing words together

from To Kill a Mockingbird.

It was a boon year
for tomatoes on the farm,

or what we're calling...

Tomatogeddon.

So they made an extra-large
batch of Tucker's Famous,

and we're selling it
at the farmers' market.

Now, when you say "famous" --

It's known Missouri-wide.

A death-row inmate requested it
for his last meal.

Well, at least I'm trying to sell.

What is going on?

After buying whatever they're selling,

I'm guessing people are
plum out of spending money.

Wait. No.

It's Andrew and Simon.

Thank you. Oh.

Hello. Oh, hello!

Here to try our hand-caught
artisanal trout jerky?

-No.
-It's selling like hotcakes.

Actually, better.

See the vegan hotcakes stand?

Next to the bespoke honey stall.

We should be careful.
This market might be a trick

to get a whole bunch of white
people together in one spot.

I'm actually glad you're here.

We're looking for
a new senior associate,

and I was gonna call you.

Call me what? A has-been?

"Mitch ado about nothing"?

Why am I doing your work for you?

Look, on a social level,
I find you hopeless,

but I always thought
you were a good lawyer --

maybe a great one at the right firm.

Honey, did you bring the other cash box?

This one's filled up.

Think about it.

Come on, Joe!

I don't want to learn!

But you have to learn!

And it's so easy.

Look, first, you make the little man,

then you tie the rope
around its throat --

No!

Joe, don't worry about tying your shoes.

That's for big boys.

Don't tell him he can't.

He can't, but he'll be fine --
Kid has thick, beautiful hair.

-Can I get back to work now?
-You're working?

But it's not between 10:00 and 2:00,

Monday through Thursday.

Well, I wasn't gonna tell you guys,

'cause I knew you'd make a big fuss,

but the Chamber of Commerce is giving me

a Titans of Industry award.

They asked me to make a video
for the ceremony

about what drives me.

After 30 years

and over a hundred thousand
hanger rods installed,

some people would kick back and relax.

Not me. I'm Jay Pritchett.

Pritchett's Closets.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down!

How many closets do you need?

Yeah. I can handle that.

It's great. I'm starting over.

Why? You guys were bored,

and the video obviously
doesn't capture my essence.

You think that fellow titan
Ed Fisk, the Lion of Linoleum,

would make that mistake?

How big is this event?

Is there going to be a red carpet?

No, but Red Murtaugh, of
Red's Carpets, will be there.

I'm walking with giants, Gloria,

and that's a good way to get stepped on.

Oh, there are two over there.

Oh, good. For a second, I didn't
think we were gonna find...

Hey, isn't that Beth and Andy?

Um, actually, uh, those two are better.

But all those people
would be between us.

Yeah, but, you know,
we spent all day together.

I just -- Hey. Hey, you two.

Hey, Andy. Very cool
you're not fat anymore.

Hi! Nice to see you guys!

We really should
go find seats before the m--

Sit down, please.

Ever since Andy got engaged,

things between us have been weird.

Like "a woman with olive skin

trying to pull off red hair" weird.

I just wanted to watch the movie

and get out of there
before it got awkward.

I still think about you.

Me too. But I'm with someone else now.

I made a commitment.

But do you really love her?

Zombie!

Got it!

Anyway, we really should have
told each other how we felt.

Nothing? Really?

I could not
get out of there fast enough.

What's the rush? Sometimes they put

a funny skit thing after all the names.

Hey. Guys, wait up.

You want to go grab a burger
and a beer next door?

Well, I -- I definitely do.

That movie brought up so much for me.

Plus, I got to take my pill with food.

Yeah, I'm not so sure -- You're coming.

Oh. Maybe if you're there,

he won't try and do
his adorable British character

for the hostess.

Will you put this in my veggie burger

and not tell me where it is?

_

Hey, Lloyd, it's your dad,

A.K.A. your worst nightmare.

Just reminding you the duck village

needs to be clean enough to eat off of.

You hear me? You better not have.

You're not allowed to use your phone.

Yep, I'm everywhere.

You think maybe you're being
a bit hard on Luke?

We're his parents, Claire. It's our job
to keep him off the stripper pole.

I actually like that he's being
a little bit rebellious.

Sometimes, between the magic
and the trampolining,

I think he's getting a little...
you know.

What are you trying to say, Claire?

A little...me?

There it was again,

the insinuation that I'm not
dangerous enough for her.

Apparently, she's forgotten
I've been to jail.

I once led 20 violent inmates
in a therapeutic tumbling class.

It was a huge success.

Could I have made
the participation trophies

a little less stabby?

Sure.

But overall, a huge success.

When you say you're happy
about Luke being a rebel,

it sounds a little like you're also
saying... Are you wearing my perfume?

It was to trick the ducks. Oh.

But like I was saying --

Hey, is that Alex?

It is. That's weird.

She said she was gonna be
at school all weekend studying.

Hello?

Hey, honey. Hi! I'm here, too.
How are you doing, honey?

Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm doing
some work. Really busy.

Well, that's interesting, be--

Yeah, we've got a boring
day ahead of us, too.

Heading down to the impound lot
to pick up the car

because, yes, your brother
got arrested last night.

Oh! Okay. Well, that's great.

Yeah, I really got to go.
I left my stuff in the library.

And I'm really worried
someone's gonna steal my snacks.

Okay, bye!

Why did you stop me?
I was gonna bust her.

What? In a little lie? I mean, come on.

She's probably visiting a friend

and she didn't want to
hurt our feelings.

She barely reacted when she
heard that Luke got arrested.

She's obviously hiding something.

And now she's walking
into that liquor store.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, this is serious.

A college student is visiting a
friend, and they're buying beer!

Relax, Phil.

This girl has two patents.

What she needs is two parents.

Okay, my point is, it wouldn't
hurt Alex to loosen up.

I mean, I'm worried that
she's getting a little...

There it is again.

Just say it, Claire --

You like our kids running wild

'cause you're worried they're too much

like their namby-pamby dad,

Mr. Goody-goody, mayor of Vanillatown.

Is this 'cause the ducks like me better?

That is biological, and you know it.

There are videos of them online

following around a vacuum cleaner.

They're basically idiots!

Oh, my God. Hang on.
She's getting into that van.

Oh, now we're concerned!
Yes, I'm concerned!

That is a sketchy repair van

that is probably being driven
by some middle-aged pervert

with one long fingernail
that she met online.

Oh, my God, go! Follow them!

Thank you for lending us Manny's easel.

Did everyone love the sauce?

Well, if by "everyone"
you mean a thousand bees

and a pony that escaped
from the riding circle, yeah.

Oh, no -- Is this one of those

video wills where you make us
compete in a scavenger hunt

for your inheritance?

No. It's the video for my
Titan award. I told you about it.

I'm trying to project
strength and confidence.

Maybe you should lose the
Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug

on the mantel. Good catch.

I've waited my whole life
to hear you say those words.

Want to help me out here? Yeah.

I needed the distraction.

I had spent enough of my day

obsessing over Simon's job offer.

Plus, I don't know --

Seeing my big, strong dad reach
out to me in a vulnerable way,

it was -- it was kind of touching.

The red button! How do you not see it?!

Before you got here, I was
turning it on with a broom!

Now just -- Forget it. Let's get lunch.

If I could just -- Come with me!

Okay, hold the sauce in
your mouth, swirl it around --

really coat your tongue. Now swallow.

Mmm!

Right? Much better.

Okay, Jay, what you're gonna want to do

is hold the sauce in your mouth, sw--

I know how eating works.

Not too shabby. Thank you.

You know who else makes a mean
sauce is Gloria's dead aunt.

Oh. Oh, there it is right there.

Try some. I'm telling you,
it's life-changing.

I don't think we really need two sauces.

And sometimes,
when you have sauces from --

Now you eat. Mm. Oh, yeah, huh?

Oh. Oh, my God. That is amazing. Mmm.

It's a secret recipe

that has been in my family
for generations.

Was your sauce buried
in a local time capsule

during the bicentennial?
Because mine was.

My Great-Aunt Miranda was
the only one that could make it,

and because I was the oldest girl

that didn't marry a Peruvian,

the recipe passed down to me.

Sauce me. Right.

Ay, I don't have many things
that remind me of Colombia

here in the house, but now I do.

Legend has it our sauce was so secret,

it was only written down one place.

We grew up eating this every Sunday,

and now Manny and Joe will, too.

It was tattooed backwards
on a lame stable boy.

You could only read it in a mirror.

Mm, can I see that recipe?

Uh, uh, well, I think it's
a little bit rude to read --

Ay! You pushed my hand!

You've ruined it! No!

No, no! I can dry it! I can dry it!

No, now the ink's running. Cam!

No, and now you have ruined
my great-uncle's napkins!

Does -- Okay, does everything
at this table have meaning?

Ohh.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

My new lady, Rachel, needed help

picking a pair of shorts
to make her stepdad mad.

I wonder what's more of a "screw you" --

you telling me that story or
that the ducks now stare at me

while they slowly go to the bathroom?

Didn't you guys have three ducks?

Yeah -- one, two...

Oh, no.

Uh-oh! Dude!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Where did he go?

Hey, look, there's
a duck-call app we can use.

Oh, crap. Not her.

What happened with this one?

Well, I was seeing her for a while,

then she pulled her shade down.

Classy. Get ready.

Scatter! Uh...uh...

What the hell are you doing?

Are you taking pictures of me
sleeping in a bikini?

No! I was just trying to
lure that little duckling

back into my friend's yard.

Oh, my God!

It's so cute! Thank you.

You're adorable for looking after him.

Hey, you know, I think I've
seen you around school before.

I'm Tammy. Manny.

You have got to be kidding me.

What drives Jay Pritchett?

A desire never to repeat himself.

Let me do that again.

What drives Jay Pritchett? An Audi.

I'm gonna start with a joke?
I'm following Red Murtaugh.

The man's hilarious.

You've seen him be that baby in his ads.

Just so you know, the camera only has

11 hours of battery, so...
Let's see what we've got.

Yep.

Why do I look so pale and sweaty?

Oh, well, you're old and Irish.

Hey, um -- uh, Gloria, again,
I just want to say that I'm --

You're sorry? You told me.

Yes, and, uh -- excuse me --
that it was an accident.

Was it?

Yes, of course.

I think. I -- I don't know.

You have destroyed my children's
connection to their past,

and you might have done it on purpose?

I'm sorry. Andrew humiliated me
today at the farmers' market,

and I've always been
sauce-competitive...

Look, just let me help you re-create it.

I saw my aunt make it once
when I was 8 years old.

You think I'm going to remember --

Cilantro! What?

That car backfiring,
it sounded like gunshots.

I remember when I was a little
girl in my aunt's kitchen,

and she started chopping
the cilantro really loud

so that we couldn't hear the noise.

Yes, okay. Well,
what else do you remember?

Well, nothing, Cam. It was 30 years ago.

No, the recipe is inside you!
It just needs to come out!

Mommy, I found it.

Lemon juice! What?

Oh, see? I told you
it's just a matter of time!

Capers, jalape?o,

and a dash of black pepper!

_

It's just so sad.

The guy decides to
spend the rest of his life

with some zombie he doesn't love.

Your table is ready. Smashing!

-A bucket of chips --
-We're not doing that.

Okay.

Hey, um, real quick --

Why wasn't it more uncomfortable
for you to watch that movie?

Right. Because zombies
killed my parents.

Oh, never mind. I forgot you
can't have an adult conversation.

No, okay, yes.

If -- If we would have watched
that movie a few months ago,

it would have been really weird, but...

we're all good now, right?

Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I am good.

Dylan and I picked up
right where we left off.

I was just checking on you.

'Cause for a while there,
you were getting a little, uh...

# Doot-doot, do-do-do-do,
doot-doot, do-do #

Yeah.

Beth stood by me.

Well, you know, as close
as she could. Hmm.

That's when I knew I was
with the right person.

And -- And don't get me wrong --

I was -- I was pretty hung up on you.

But once I got it down to
only one woman in my head,

I saw Beth in a whole new way,

and we were able to move forward.

That makes sense.

I'm happy for you.

Look at us, brother and sister,

separated from our mum...

Oh, you're so good at that.

Hey, what do you think about

inviting Haley and Dylan to the wedding?

I love that idea.

And I love you for having it.

Why do you think people
stopped saying "coinkydink"?

Dylan, um...

Oh, God.

You're breaking up with me
again, aren't you?

I'm sorry. I just -- I --

I feel like Andy and Beth

and everyone in the world
are moving forward,

and we're moving backward.

Actually, we're stopping,

because I want to get out of the car.

Dylan -- Stop!

I'm tired of being jerked around.

Now I'm moving forward, too.

Can't you at least call an Uber?

You know they banned me for
talking too much to the drivers!

She's still not answering.
I can't believe we lost them.

We're almost home. I can track
her phone from the computer.

"I hope you can track her phone

better than you tracked that van."

I'm sorry, Claire.
Just 'cause I'm 1/64 Cherokee,

it doesn't make me a natural tracker.

You realize I'm not
participating in this.

Well, you made it pretty clear
it was my fault we lost them

due to my less-than-manly driving.

Oh, my God. Yes, this again.

I'm not letting it go till you
admit that you wish I was a --

Phil, it's the van!

In my own house?! Oh, no!

Okay, now, hang on.
Don't hold me back, Claire!

I may be 1/64 Cherokee,

but I'm also 63/64 crazy white guy!

Where is he?!

-Are you okay?
-What are you talking about?

-Are you okay?
-I-I-I'm fine.

-No, I'm sorry! I-I --
-You are now!

Reuben?

Oh, my God!

I killed Reuben!

Oh, babe?

What's going on? That's blood.

In my defense, I didn't think
anyone would ever find out.

Stay with me, Reuben!

Okay, so Reuben is the one

who picked you up in the van?

Yes, it was his dad's -- Oh, my God!

Have you been following me?

He's coming to. He's gonna be fine.

No! No!

Don't try and make this our fault.

You are the one who went to the
liquor store and bought -- what?

Ice.

Reuben sprained his hamstring
today while playing quidditch.

Honey, don't take this
the wrong way, but Reuben?

We're in love. Oh, shut up.

No, no, no, keep talking!
Remember what happened

when you tripped and fell
right before we got here?

You know what? Caltech is hard.

Between all the geniuses
and breaking up with Sanjay,

I just wanted something comfortable,

even if it is a wormy little
dork that worships me.

Oh, honey, I understand.

Oh, like mother, like daughter, I guess.

Okay. He's gonna be fine.

Phil, come over here
and talk to me for a second.

Oh, okay.

Well, I guess we're done
with my thing already.

If I was ever stupid enough
to imply, for one second,

that you were not bad boy enough for me,

I couldn't possibly think that
right now.

Because I attacked a 16-year-old?

You didn't know who was in that closet.

That's true. Mm-hmm.

Look, he's up.

Okay, we're gonna
leave the two of you alone.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no.

Yeah, we're not gonna
tell anyone about this, right?

Forbidden love.
It's -- It's hotter that way.

Also, I -- I had a-a-a wand.

Um...

I hate myself so much.

Mmm! It's good.

Of course it's good.
It's -- I'm sure -- o...kay.

Oh, my gosh. It's glorious.

So much better than mine.

Well, your sauce is -- Is garbage!

Mm-hmm. It's mostly ketchup.

Gloria, this is
what we need to be selling

at the farmers' market.

We would have them lined up clear down

past the cruelty-free beaver-milk stand.

I would crush Andrew.

I cannot go back to the farmers' market.

The year was 2011.

I had just come back from Colombia

with a box full of our family's
homemade hair relaxer,

the Colombian Comb-Out.

Friday, I sold 50 bottles,
but Saturday...

It says on the bottle to
leave it in for three minutes!

No, it says, "Leave in for three.

Minutes later, you will look fantastic."

One, two, three, comb it out.

Ay, I see how it can be confusing.

If it's true, as many people theorize,

that Stonehenge was,
in fact, a druid closet --

Mitchell. Hmm?

Uh, oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, good. We -- We got it!
What's with you?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I got this whole
work thing stressing me out.

It's your lucky day.

You have an audience
with a titan of industry

without having to buy
the $15-a-plate dinner ticket.

What's the issue?

Well, I got this job offer at
this really big firm, but, um...

I've actually, uh, been thinking about

maybe starting my own practice.

What's your gut tell you? I don't know.

I-I would like to have my own
firm, but that's really scary.

But this other offer is very attractive,

but I'd have to report
to this guy who I hate,

which, you know, might be
worth it for the job security --

Take the offer. Really?

It takes a certain type of personality

to run your own thing.

You have to be a fighter.

Well, this is fun.

You wanted my honest opinion.

No, Cam! I said no.

The polar ice caps are melting,
gridlock in Washington --

America needs to
feel good again, Gloria.

-Let them taste your sauce.
-What's happening now?

He wants me to sell my sauce
at the farmers' market,

but I am not interested.

-I agree with Gloria.
-Thank you so much.

Yeah, you crashed and burned
with the hair thing.

You need more of that humiliation?

We don't know that that would happen.

Disappearing middle class,
racial unrest...

You got a nice thing going here,
Gloria. Enjoy it.

What? You don't think that I can do it?

No. No, he doesn't.

He thinks that he's the only
business titan in this family.

Nobody can tell me
what I can or cannot do.

I have some sauce to sell.

And I'm gonna go
register my new firm right now.

And I'm gonna storm out, too,

even though both of those things
actually make me very happy.

You want to know
what drove Jay Pritchett?

People telling me I wasn't good enough.

There's something about
a person telling you

you can't do something.

Blood.

It just lights the competitive fires...

...drives us to take risks...

...opens us up to new opportunities...

Oh, hey, Sarah.

I'm sorry about your cat.

I heard you got arrested.

Everything I did, I did
to prove the naysayers wrong.

So, to everyone who didn't think
I was good enough --

Look, dad! I tied my shoes!

Good job, Joe!

Ah.

How do you like me now?

_

Honey, I don't want to
go to this Titans dinner

any more than you do,
but we're gonna be late.

Phil.

Phil. Phil!

Dunphy.

What is going on?

I'm trying to pay Luke's impound fee,

but this automated phone system

doesn't understand anything I'm saying.

Dun-phy.

"Dun-fee". Yes.

No! No!

Not Bill Dunphy.

We went over my first name
for 20 minutes!

Phil!

Phil!

Phil!

Phil!

Phil!