Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 22 - Double Click - full transcript

Jay struggles as he returns to the job, and Claire is in a no-win situation having to fire an employee. Mitchell and Cam fight over who keeps Lily for the summer. Meanwhile, Phil and the kids struggle with relationships and change.

Claire. There's a girl in Luke's bed.

Where's Luke?

With the girl!

Should we just make a noise
and scare her off?

Is it a girl or a possum?

Honey, there's no one there.

There was. I saw girl bumps and hair.

It was probably just his Chewbacca doll.

It's not a doll.
It's a plush action figure.

Well, as long as he's
sleeping with that thing,

it's the only action he's gettin'.

I'm so relieved.
I wasn't ready for that.

You thought you saw something
that wasn't there.

It's dark, and we shared
an entire bottle of wine.

It is dark. I didn't see you
do air quotes around "shared".

# Modern Family 7x22 #
Double Click
Original Air Date on May 18, 2016

All right.
These contracts are good to go.

All that's left is the inspection.

Already scheduled it.

Andy, if I could bottle you up

and put you into a cologne,
you know what I'd call it?


The black-and-white commercial

would have models turning into panthers.

"Initiative -- a unisex
fragrance from California."

I want to come back to this
because it's fun,

but I need your advice. Oh.

You remember my cousin back in Utah,

the real-estate developer? Yeah.

Well, turns out his VP's leaving

to start his own company,

and my cousin needs someone,
like -- like, now.

Wow. That's a big opp-- Hey!

Hey! What are you doing home?

Are you serious? School's out.
I'm home for the summer.

You knew this.

Must have slipped my mind.
I'm so glad you're back.

That's it?

Sanjay's parents are throwing him

a three-day "Welcome Home" party.

They even made him a suit
out of marigolds.

Hey. This is a nice surprise, pumpkin.

Was I too subtle with the way
I put it on the calendar, or...

Someone woke up in a good mood.

And there is only one reason

a teenage boy is ever like that.

Yep, because it's Family Camp
training day!

Oh, I was gonna say,

"The Harlem Globetrotters
must be in town."

Luke and I are training
for the big... Famcathlon.

You're, uh, carb-loading.

Good idea, buddy!

Hungry dude.

Hungry for Family Camp!

Don't say "no" right away,
but picture me with these.

Sweetie, you're 8 years old.
Give your body time to develop.

These curls! I want a perm!

Take it from someone who had
a perm at your age -- you don't.

Okay, what do you think
of my airplane outfit?

When I land in Missouri,
I want to blend right in.

With what? A jug band?

I got a job this summer

as an assistant defensive coordinator

for the Missouri State football team.

Go, Bears! I'm going home.

And I have been crazy
with work, which means

Lily will be going back and
forth between the two of us.

It has been a little tense

putting together a
time-share agreement, though.

I haven't been making it tense.

You're the one who treats our daughter

like she's a vacation property in Aruba.

Maybe you should be promoted
to very defensive coordinator.

There you go. Okay, you typed up

how we're gonna share our daughter.

What is this --
some sort of custody agreement?

I just drafted a document

that reflects what we
discussed last night.

You have a tendency to forget about
things you agreed to, Cam.

Okay, that's a bunch of hooey.

Rich! I forgot to bring up the towels.
That proves nothing.

I wouldn't bother you,
but I'm late for court.

It's really very straightforward.

If it rains for more than
three days in Missouri,

that borrows against my time.

Conversely, if Lily does go

to gymnastics camp, I get an extra week.

It's too confusing.
Wait, you're a lawyer, right?

Can I actually have you take
a peek at something for me?

W-What are you doing?

I'm lawyering up.

Uh...uh, yeah.

There's a lot of ambiguous
language in this contract.

I wouldn't sign it.
Nobody's asking him to.

You know, I never would have
agreed to give up 4th of July,

and now I'm worried

he's trying to trick me
out of Biscuit Bonanza.

B-Biscuit Bonanza?
It's what it sounds like.

It's a biscuit-baking competition,

and then you see who can
throw theirs the furthest.

May I present Exhibit "A"?

That's fine, Mitchell.

I don't care about 4th of July,

as long as I get Lily
for Biscuit Bonanza.

Biscuit Bonanza?!

Yeah. It's what it sounds like.
It's a biscuit-baking --

Okay, I have never hated
the sound of my own voice more.

Okay. I'm gonna go pick up that costume.

What costume? Oh, my God, Cam.

Don't forget about Pepper's brunch.
Okay, stop it!

Isn't it your first day back
working with Claire?

I got to get this e-mail out first

to a store that got my order wrong.

Do I look like a guy
who would wear a shirt

with pineapples all over it? Kinda.

I want to use all caps
to get across how angry I am,

but it takes forever to press
"shift" before each letter.

Why don't you just put on the caps lock?

You can do that? Oh, Jay.

Just double-click here.

Didn't work.

That's because you didn't double-click.

You just clicked twice.

The hell's the difference?

Double-click. See?

That's exactly what I did.

No, you're still just clicking twice.

Listen to me --

Not "double... click".

I'm not an idiot. Double-click!

You can't possibly think
that's the same thing!

It's the exact same thing! Double-click!

Double-click! Oh, what the...

It's the first time
I've ever used the F-word.

Ay, what's going on here?

Even for me, it's a little screamy!

I'm going to work! Wh--

Why did you get him so mad?

I need him in a good mood.

I need to ask him
to go with me next week

to Ju?rez to my cousin's wedding.

Is that safe?

Of course not.

The invitation says
"short run to the reception".

What are the odds the
valet slid the seat back

because of my weirdly short arms?


Shoot. I should take this.

Oh. Then I... should take this.

Evan. Hey.

Look, I know why you're calling,

and no, I haven't changed my mind.

I still don't want the job.

So, you're turning down a chance

to move home for your dream job --

an actual career --
all because of a girl?

This Haley must be something special.


I think I lost you.

Hello? Evan?

Dropped call. I'll try him back.

I knew it!

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Hey! Good to have you back, Jay!

Good to be back, buddy.

Little trick of the trade -- when you don't
know somebody's name, you call 'em "buddy".


So, the old office, huh?


I see you got the lamp over there now.

I tried it there once.

You'll see.

Your office is gonna be
ready this afternoon.

Do you want to go pick up your new --

So, what are we working on?
Quarterly reports?

Actually, no.
This is a personnel file.

I have to fire Neal today.

Neal? Yeah -- Neal.

Works in the warehouse,
loves Canada, heavyset fella.

Oh, you mean "Big Buddy".

We are losing more in shipping
screw-ups than he makes.

It's time.

You gonna do that now? Oh. No.

Um, actually, right now,
I was going to make copies

of the agenda for this
afternoon's staff meeting.

Let me do it.
How many do you need?

Uh, 12 double-sided --

Dad, are you sure?

Do you even know where the copy room is?

Claire. Please. I built this place.


Other way.

Hi, Jay. Not now, buddy!

That "buddy" stuff may
have worked for my dad,

but I wanted a more personal
touch when I took over.

I wanted this to be a fun place to work,

so I had an arcade dance game
installed in the warehouse.

I figure you give them a little sugar,

takes the edge off when
you have to fire someone like...

What is going on?

Dude, Neal is tearing it up

on this dance machine --
check out his score.

Wow! He's pretty quick on that thing.

Oh, don't worry, Claire.

He's never gonna beat your record.

You've had that for months.
No one's even come close.

Oh, I'm not worried about that.

Okay. God. Don't be defensive.

New high score!

I did it!

New high score!

Oh. Uh, s-sorry, Claire.

Yikes. I would not want to be
the guy who just beat the boss.

I actually like my job.


Hey, can I get a zip?

I'm gonna take it.

Pepper's parties are as fun
as they are confusing.

Okay, stay with me on this one.

Gender Blender Broadway Brunch.

You dress as a Broadway
character of the opposite sex,

and there's no solid food.

It's a perfect party if you're
a show queen with a broken jaw.

Uh, excuse me.

Sorry, Mr. Pritchett.
Your card has been declined.

Oh, no, that's impossible.

No, I ran it like three times.

I think I'm supposed to cut it.

Oh, no, no! Don't cut it!
I have some cash in the car.

Can you just unzip me?
I think it's stuck.

Oh, it is stuck. You want me to cut it?

No, no! Don't cut it!

God. You really want to cut something.

I'll be right back.

Oh, damn it!

Excuse me. How much for a picture?

Oh, I'm actually not --

Please. Our daughter loves "Annie".

Well, uh...

actually, I-I could use, like, $20.

$20? Wolverine was $10.

Look, I don't want to fight.
I just -- I just need --

Hey, man. What the hell?

Ay! No, no, no!

It's not easy to get Jay
to do what I want,

so sometimes I have
to use my secret weapon.

But when I'm too tired for that,

I just play one of the movies
that make him cry like a baby.

Is this "Rudy"?

Oh, I love this movie.

You do?

Jay, I got us tickets to the ballet,

but I know that you're golfing on Sunday.

Whatever you want.

You know, Rudy was small,

but he had a big heart.

Joe, what are all these cartoons?

Now all of Mommy's movies are gone!

Manny did it.

What am I supposed to do
when I babysit this guy?

Make conversation?

The kid has two stories.

Look. I'm a tree.

That's the good one.

Mom, why aren't you calling me back?

I'm at your work. I need to talk.

Uh, excuse me. Have you seen Claire?

Someone said she was down here.

Uh, nope.

I couldn't fire Neal.

It would look like I was only doing it

to get back at him
for beating my record.

Game over!

So I had no choice --

I had to beat Neal's score.

Mm. Mm.


How do you work a copy machine?

You can't be serious.

I need to make 12 double-sided copies.

It's an impossible task.

Can't you just ask someone for help?

I made a big deal out of
coming back here to work.

I'd like to appear useful.

Wait. On the screen, there's an
exclamation mark. Is that good?

I don't think it means it's
excited about what's happening.

Did you put the original in the tray?

Tray? You mean like a serving tray?

Yes, Jay. I want you to put
papers in a serving tray.

How have you remained alive?

I found it!

Yeah! Yeah!

Great! It's stuck!

That's okay. Whatever you do,
don't pull the --

Hold on. I'm pulling it.


Ha! Yes!

New high score! Finally!

Are you hungry? What's wrong?

Is it Whitney Houston's birthday again?

No, honey, I'm just sad about
being away from you for so long.

We still have six hours together.

Let's have a special day!

Oh, that would be fun.

We could take a bike ride
or have a picnic.

I was thinking something
a little more permanent.

Okay. Prepare to receive.

And remember, it's all about
the strength of the nestle.

A tiny but noticeable
red mark on his neck?

I'm not an idiot.

Someone's been practicing
his orange grip.

Pick up the pace!

This is where we make up

for your mom being so bad
at Hula-Hooping.


I randomly found this
in a bush under Luke's window.

Alex probably asked Haley to borrow them,

Haley threw the pair, Alex caught one,

the other one flew out the window,

phone call came, they forgot.


Oh, hey. What are you doing home?

Being crushed over and over
by family members.


Got your message.

I know you probably didn't mean
"Come over right away",

but you know how
paranoidy I can be, so...

We should talk in my room.


Andy. Hey. Hold on a sec.

Um...I know we didn't get
to finish our talk earlier,

because of Alex's surprise pop-in.


If you're not taking that job
in Utah because of me,

you're making a mistake.

I love you and me together,
but it would break my heart

if I was the reason you gave up
this dream career opportunity,

because, honestly,

I don't know how much
of a future there is here.

But...if our bond is as strong
as we think it is...

we'll work our way back to each other.


What he said.


Hey, what's all the buzz about?

Somebody finally top
Neal's untoppable --

What happened?

Someone unplugged the dance machine.

So my high score's gone?

Don't you mean Neal's high score?

No! I got an 805 like 20 minutes ago!

Oh, come on! Y-You can't think

that I'm really so upset
that I would actually --

Damn, Claire. You didn't have to
go all "Black Swan" on the guy.


Are we really not believing this woman?

She's never been anything
but honest with us.

When I screw up, she lets me know it,

but in a caring way.

Same with you, Bernard...Tom.

Marie, you know it.

It's time we started
appreciating this lady.

She may have gotten an 800
on the dance game,

but if you ask me,

she gets a 1,000 on the boss game.



Hey. Did you get the costumes?

Barely. My credit card was denied,

and someone spent all
the cash we had in the car.

Uh, yeah. Those are probably
both on me. I-I apologize.

Let's maybe just forgive
everything I've done today.

"Everything"? What does that mean?

It means this! Ohhh, my God!

I just wanted to give her
a special treat before I left.

I thought we were gonna wait
until she was older.

Did I have to put that in writing, too?

Can I sue him? I want to sue him.

You both have every right
to be upset with me.

And maybe a few weeks away
from me will do some good.

I'm just gonna get a cab to the airport.

Don't be crazy. We'll drive you.

No, I don't think I can handle

a public emotional goodbye!

Remember her?

Damn it!


Of course I have the agendas, Claire.

I was just... trying to prove a point.

I mean, what do you need
those things for, anyway?

Agendas -- they're crutches.
They're for the weak.

You think the founding fathers
wrote down an agenda?

Well, isn't the Declaration of Inde--

A leader leads, not reads.

You go into that meeting
with a bunch of agendas,

you're asking for their approval.

"Like me! Like me! Like me!"

I say "No"! How many times
have I told you --

the first rule of being a good boss is

"You don't need your employees
to be your friends."

You need them to respect you!

Thank you.

That is...exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm just doing my job. Yeah.

Just trust your gut, kid.



What smells so good?

I'm making my favorite lasagna

for my own "Welcome Home" dinner.

Uh-huh. Can I ask you a question?

What? Do you think it's possible

that your brother snuck
a girl in here last night?

I wouldn't be too surprised.

So you think he's --
t-that they've been --

Oh, come on, Dad.
Don't be so naive.

We were all 17 once.

It's not like we all --

I sat there like that for 20 minutes.

And then I got some more awful news.

I just got an e-mail saying
Family Camp was canceled --

not enough sign-ups.

Ehh. That's it?

You don't care at all, do you?

You're too busy running around
with that girl from last night!

Yeah! That's right! I know everything!

How could you, Luke?

To be honest,
I don't know why I was so upset.

I knew I was supposed to be mad,
but I couldn't figure out why,

so I just started saying
a bunch of stuff.

Under my roof?!

That was weird.

In a bed that I paid for?!

What does that have to do with anything?

With your grandfather watching?!


But it wasn't half as crazy

as what I really wanted to yell,

which was "Just stop growing up!"

Look, I'm not sure everything
I said here makes sense,

but...just be careful and respectful.

And you did break a big rule,

so no car privileges for a month.

I don't need it anyway.

I just got dumped.

We sat there like that for 20 minutes.

Hi. How was your first day at work?

It was a little rough, but I
kind of stumbled into something.

Aren't you going to ask him, Mommy?

What's he talking about?


I was going to ask you
to go to Ju?rez with me

next week for my cousin's wedding,

but I know that you don't want
to go, so I'll go alone.

You're really not gonna go?

Well, you heard her.
She's fine going alone.

If that plane leaves the ground
and you're not with her,

you'll regret it.

Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow,

but soon, and for the rest of your life.

What did you say?
Is that "Casablanca"?

It doesn't take much to see

the problems of three little people

don't amount to a hill
of beans in this crazy world.

Someday, you'll understand that.

Now, now.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Gloria! About that wedding --

I'm already booking the ticket!

Okay, it's growing!

I'm on hold with the
credit-card company.

Oh! We should probably
try and figure out dinner.

I have no idea what
we even have in the --

Oh, my God. Lily, look.

Daddy made us all this food.

"Heat for 20 minutes.
Love me for the rest of time."

Aww. "The sun will come out tamales."

Oh, my God.

You think he forgot about my curlers

because he was too busy cooking?

Maybe. I don't kn--

Oh, yes. Hello?

Oh. Oka-- Okay. Well, thank you.

Um, Daddy bought a plane ticket

to surprise us on the 4th of July.

That's why my credit card
was over the limit.

Now I feel bad for yelling at him.

Yeah, me too.

So, this is the end of the line.

No. No! I told you!

You're gonna come visit,
I'll come there --

No. I meant security.


So... none of that messy stuff,

because this is not goodbye goodbye.

Yeah. We'll leave
the drama to those two.

"Promise me you won't
forget me, my darling.

"I'll love you until this
pantsuit comes back in style."

"I don't regret a single minute
I've spent with you."

"I think you're the first man
I've ever loved."

Not a single minute.

You really are the first.

Now, I had pigs and cows
when I was growing up --


Oh, my gosh!
What are you guys doing here?

We spent the whole day thinking
about ourselves, and then realized...

you've spent the whole day
thinking about us, too.

So I brought you something
to take to Missouri.

I'm coming with you, Daddy!

Oh, my gosh! I get to keep her
for the whole summer?

Yeah! But won't you miss her?

No. No.

Because I'm coming, too!

Ooh-ho-ho-ho! My good--

Well, what about work?

I figure I could work from there,

and, you know, fly back when I need to.

Think I could use a summer
of smelling fresh biscuits --

and, apparently, throwing them.

Well, look who thinks he's gonna
qualify his first year.

We're gonna be Missourians! Yeah.

Sometimes, you have one of those days

where you are surrounded by people

but you still feel pretty lonely.

All you want to do is go home
to the comfort of your family.

But sometimes, even your family
can't give you that comfort.

Because it turns out they've all
had one of those days, too.

All you can do is wait
for days like that to be over...

so you can go to bed

and hope you wake up
to a better tomorrow.


Phil, I think I hear
something in Luke's room.



We know how much you love Family Camp.

But it was canceled, and I thought
you were all kind of over it.

We may be over it,
but we're not over us.

What do you think about Family Camp 2.0?

Yeah, Phil, come on.
Cab's gonna be here any minute.

Don't you have some packing to do?

Why are we always waiting on you?

I don't know where I'm packing for,

but I love this!

All right. How good do these look?

That's why they call them
"New York's finest".

Yeah, who needs a campfire

when we've got a metal box
full of gray water?

Okay, everybody, picture.

Uh, ma'am? Would you mind?

Um, uh, get in the back. Get in
the back. You're tall. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right.


And now we're down to three phones.


Hey, boss. It's Dad.

I know I just started back,

but I'm taking a couple of days
off, if that's okay.

And if not, too bad. I'm in Ju?rez!

Hey, Dad. It's Mitch.

Uh, I'm in Missouri with Cam.

No, it's not a hostage situation.

Anyway, uh, can you swing by
our place and water our plants?

Oh, and don't forget about
the Ficus in the bedroom.

I know how much you love to go in there.

Hey! It's your big sis, ya big sis.

So, we all flew to
New York this morning.

Thank God Dad came back to work.
He can cover for me.

Anyway, listen, I think
I left the back door unlocked.

Can you check?

Come to New York!
The pretzels are huge!