Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 21 - Crazy Train - full transcript

Hey, thank you.
Here's an Andrew Jackson.

Make a clean set of sheets happen,

I'll introduce you to his twin brother.

You don't have to do the banter,
but what's it cost me?

Manny, it was a great idea
to come on the train.

Rail is the last bastion
of respectable travel

now that every airport has
become a sweat-pant convention.

We are all traveling to Portland

because Jay's ex-wife, Dede,
is getting remarried.

We're so happy. For us.

It means the end of those
damn alimony payments,



so I'm gonna make sure
Dede goes through with it.

It'll be, "I do", "I do", "I'm done".

How much choice action

are we gonna get on this trip?

I'm managing my expectations.

Don't you know anything about trains?

Chicks go crazy.

The vibrations get them all worked up.

Also, they're trapped, which is nice.

Hey. We're just gonna go bang out

this toast for Mom. Yeah. Shouldn't
have waited till the last minute.

It'll be a nice distraction
from your motion sickness.

It's good, as long as
I'm not facing backwards

when the train is -- Oh, God, no.



Lead me.

All right, I got it.

There you go. Fixed point. Mm-hmm.

# Modern Family 7x21 #
Crazy Train
Original Air Date on May 11, 2016

Oh, my God, it can't be.

What? No, it's not a bald spot.

I slept on it funny last night.

No. The guy two rows back.

Oh, my... That's Simon Ha--

Hastings. Oh, my --

You're a fan of his, too?

Oh, my -- He's my favorite
author. Don't tell Mitchell,

but I was so engrossed in his last book,

I didn't feed Lily for a day and a half.

Wait a second.

Simon Hastings is the genius behind

the Silverton mystery novels.

"Dismembers Only".

"A Death of Fresh Air".

The world has been waiting

for the final book of the trilogy

for almost, what, 10 years?

I missed it so much, I took
a stab at writing fan fiction.

What?

I put Silverton in the harrowing
world of real estate

with "Open House, Closed Casket".

Goose bumps.

Hey! Hey!

We hate to bother you,
but you are our favorite author.

Gentlemen, the words are all out there.

I just arrange them in
a financially rewarding way.

Droll is what that is. Droll.
Classic Hastings.

That by any chance isn't the --

the next Silverton novel, is it?

You mean "Locomotive for Murder"?

Crackerjack.

It's not even out yet,
and I'm sad about finishing it.

Well, I hope you won't be disappointed.

Lovely to meet you.

What's your process?

Are the characters just
speaking through you?

How important is plot?

Here's an idea -- how would you two like

to sit quietly and
read the first chapter?

Oh... What?

...my... What?

...God. What?

Rest assured.

Your treasure is in good hands.

We are also members
of the artistic community.

Clown. Magician.

Ugh.

Nope.

What? We're on a train,

and I'm embracing
a romantic style of travel.

I get it, and I love it.

Wonderful Victorian tea hat.

Thank you. Top-notch travel derby.

Ma'am. See you at high tea.

He acts like someone with low "T". Ah.

Ugh, I forgot my magazines
when I was buying gum.

Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.

You got an extra book?

Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre",

but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.

What you got?

"Hurricane Harriet".
It's mostly pictures.

Sold. Move over.

So, what's Harriet's deal?

She's a ditzy girl who causes
problems for everyone,

but never realizes it.

Doesn't sound very realistic.

Ah, do you guys know
where the bathroom is?

Oh, back there.

Isn't it that way?

Doesn't matter.

First-class ticket, please.

I just came looking for the bathroom.

My ticket is in my seat.

Do you have any idea how many
times a day I hear that?

Just go back where you came from.

Go back where I came from?

Okay.

I see how it is.

So, Harriet just sent those people

right into a bear cave?

She never knows what she's doing.

What an idiot.

Excuse me.

You mind if I sit here?

Uh, no.

You have a beautiful smile.

Thanks.

They make fun of you
for wearing your headgear,

but, hey, look at me now.

Tickets? Oh, yeah.

Uh, honey, do you have my ticket? No.

I'm pretty sure I gave
you my ticket, babe.

Sorry, babe. Back to coach.

I forgive you.

Come find me.

"Mom has always been a free spirit".

"She has also helped to free
a lot of spirits from bottles

'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello!

Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in.

Uh, how about this one?
"The secret to her

chocolate-chip cookies
was a dash of salt --"

"And two scoops of crazy
because the lady's imbalanced."

Hello!

Claire, this is toast, not a roast.

Are you uncomfortable because,
for the first time in your life,

you have to be the straight man? Hello!

Saying "hello" doesn't make
mean things funny.

I like it. Well, you don't get to decide.

How come you get to decide?

'Cause Mom asked me and not you.

I included you because I felt bad.

That's fine. I don't care.

You can do it yourself.

I don't care. Claire.

Wait.

Nope.

This is a $20.

When my wife shows up later,
"iced tea" means Scotch.

Grandpa, do you think it's weird

Nana invited you to her wedding?

I think it's the least-weird
thing Dede's ever done.

Well, if she was so bad,
why'd you ever marry her?

We were young.

She was cute, but the
constant nuttiness of Dede

wore me down, robbed me
of my will to live.

One day, she pushed me off the edge.

I ran out of the house.

They found me shirtless
in the local fire station.

Excuse me.

This, uh, Dede that
you're speaking of --

um, is that Dede Pritchett, by chance?

Do you know her?

She's marrying my father.

You're kidding.

No. We're traveling
to the wedding right now...

if there is one.

I've got to call Dad.

I told you that woman was off.
Just ridiculous.

I'm gonna need $18 back.

Uh, excuse me.
Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings.

Um, do you know -- have
they developed a cure yet?

For what?

A blown mind --
because we have two of them.

You're too kind.
Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

We are just dying to know
how the conductor got

all the way from the front to
the back, kill the ambassador,

and not be seen?

There's an escape hatch
in the control room.

Oh.

He climbs up, crawls his way across

the top of the train to the caboose.

There, his feet firmly planted,
thanks to magnetic shoes,

he hangs down, shoots the ambassador,

then crawls back the way he came.

That is so ingenious.

How does he avoid the video cameras?
Yeah.

I beg your pardon. On top of the train.

He's on a train that
doesn't have any cameras.

Oh, no, they all have cameras
now -- Big Brother.

I just read an article
about it in Rail World,

the magazine in your seat pocket --

also a great interview
with amateur conductor

Valerie Bertinelli.

Well, if that's true,
then the murder isn't possible.

And if the ambassador is still alive,

then there's no reason for
Silverton to be in Nigeria.

And if that's the case,
he's not at the coup,

which means the whole thing doesn't work.

Dear God, I have no book.

Oh.

I have no book!

Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos.

_

What are you still doing here?
Go find him.

I don't know.

Come on, it's a better love story

than the one you're reading.

You're the beautiful,
high-class, smart girl,

and he's the poor boy
duct-taping his shoes

with a bunch of hobos in coach.

It's a $20 difference.

Alex, you got this.

Trains make guys crazy.

When were you ever on a train?

In Vegas,

between my plane and the luggage area.

Stuff went down.
Fine. I'll go for it.

Oh, wait.

Nope.

Manny likes hats, doesn't he?

Ooh, someone's still got a crush.

I'm not proud of it.

I tried to get past it.

But, you know, trains.

Well, I think you look cute,
and I bet he would, too.

Hey, you pervs.

Let me guess -- shoulders tired
from striking out so hard?

It's still early.

Ooh, I see a dime piece over there.

That means she's a 10.

Yeah. I speak d-bag.

Luke, she's a little old.

Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90.

Doesn't mean I don't
pretend she's my pillow

every now and then.

How does he have prospects?

If it makes you feel any better,

that one's got a big crush on you.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

I've always sensed
a little heat from Alex.

A woman doesn't
compliment a man on his hat

unless she wants to get into his blazer.

Hey.

Peace offering? Thank you.

Look, I'm sorry I told you

that Mom picked me
for the toast and not you.

It's just that... I've always had

a special relationship with her.

Sure, like the one between
a witch and her flying monkey.

Don't do that. Don't use
"The Wizard of Oz" against me.

Mom manipulates you.

She uses you against the rest of us.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Oh, God, if only I could
think of an example.

Oh, wait, here's one of 30.

She blew off Alex's graduation,
but she didn't tell us.

She made you do it so we would
all dump on you instead of her.

And now she bans me from giving a toast,

and we're fighting about it.

Come on. She's using you
like a human shield.

Does that seem like
a healthy relationship?

Why don't you give that some thought

while you're getting me a refill?

When did you even drink that?

You've been talking the whole time.

Fine. I don't get anything.

No... Hey, pal.

Before you call your dad,
what I was saying about Dede

was me just covering up because I lost

the greatest, most stable
person I've ever known.

But you seemed so angry.

It's because I can't get over her.

I've tried everything --
therapy, pills, electricity.

I'm sorry. It's just that

I miss her so much.

I-I'm gonna see the
luckiest man in the world

marry the most wonderful woman
in the world, and I have nobody.

Excuse me, sir.

This woman says she's your wife.

Never seen her before.

But here's someone I do know --
my son, Mitchell.

Mitchell and Dede are great pals.

Tell these lovely folks
about your mother.

She's a scheming dragon woman

hell-bent on destroying
everyone around her.

You pick today to realize that?!

You're welcome.
I finally got him to see Mom

for who she really is --
a nasty, old nutjob.

But she's someone else's
problem now, huh?

Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. You know what?

I don't know these people, either.

Let's go. Excuse me.

Pardon us.

Hi. I'm Haley.

Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud.

Sounds like you need a drink.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I used to have something of a --

Oh, come on.
I feel weird drinking alone.

I don't. I just wanted him to pay.

The last time I was this bladdered,

I parked my fist right in
Salman Rushdie's smug gob.

Do you know Adele? Oh.

-There he is.
-Hey. Just checking in. Hi.

Ooh, celebrating solving your problem?

After 10 years of
paralyzing writer's block,

I at last felt that I was drinking

directly from the teat of the muse.

But she was no muse. She was a succubus.

Such a gift for language.

At the next stop,
I'm going to burn this book.

That is bad-ass. No! What?

Yes. It will be the
last act of my career.

Well, not counting the panel
discussion in Portland.

It would be rude to cancel.

There's a wine-and-cheese reception.

You have to finish.

What if we proved it could happen?

Maybe there's another
way for the murderer

to get to the caboose and back.

I've filled the train with characters

who cannot know that
the engineer has left his post.

It's hopeless!

Wait. Did we just stop?

No. I don't think so. No. Mnh-mnh.

Look how beautiful California is.

The best part about taking the train,

as I often do for my work with,
uh, the children,

has got to be the scenery.

Yeah? What's your favorite spot?

Well, I'd have to say
the spot where, uh...

the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior.

Huh. I don't think I've seen that.

Can you excuse me for just a pinch?

Sure.

What are you doing?

Getting swollen 'cause
that's how you close.

Oh, by the way,

if you see a tie on our door,
Luke's starting to score.

It's a little hard
to root for you right now.

So, where were we?

Is this your first time seeing
the Central Coast, Big Sur?

No, it's not, little miss.

I can't wait to watch the sunset
over the Andes tonight.

Not like my view right now
isn't fantastic.

You're cute.

You know, if you're into it,

I think I could show you a few things.

Uh... it's a little loud in here.

Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet.

Sure.

Really?

Trains.

You're so serious.

I want to make sure
I capture your beauty.

Can I see yet?

I hope you like it.

Oh!

So, he's not an artist.

Who cares?

People in first class
think they have it made

with their early boarding

and their slightly cleaner seats.

But they don't know what living is.

I'll take a long line for the bathroom

if that bathroom is in heaven.

I'm so glad you came back here.

Me, too.

This feels weird.

Do you have a compartment?

I do, but how will you get up there?

I'll find a way. I promise.

Oh, by the way, I'm in compartment 18B,

as in, "Boy, are you cute".

Idiot. Just keep walking.

Got it.
# I have a signal #

Oh, good. Guys, guys, guys, come on.

The only signal we need is this.

My kids in the back --
They don't hate Dede.

They're preparing a roast
for the wedding.

That's how our family shows love.

You'll get a taste of it
at the reception.

What are you, Italian?

We'll do a whole thing,

unless you shoot the place up first.

Oh. See? That kind of stuff.

Jay Pritchett, I am going
to strangle you!

I don't know why you're pretending

that you don't know me,

but I'm sure it's for some
stupid and selfish reason!

She really is your wife?

For now.

Pretty soon, you're gonna be
getting on a train

to my next wedding.

You're driving me insane.

Oh, I see what's going on.
Don't listen to her.

Dede's not crazy. You are.

Sure. That works.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Carl.
Uh, my father's marrying Dede.

Yes, he is, and let's celebrate.
Drinks on me.

What the heck. And, again, I'm sorry

to have worried you guys about Dede.

Oh, please. It's not like Carl's father

is such a prize.

What? He snapped and burned
your mom's house down.

She's kidding.

Uh, we're doing a roast, too.

Yeah, right.
Your mother was almost a roast.

_

We needed to prove that
the crime was feasible,

so I would play the role
of engineer/murderer.

And I would play the role
of everyone else.

When my hometown theater's
production of "Robin Hood"

was lacking a leading lady,
I stepped into the role

of Maid Marian in addition
to playing the Friar.

Tuck? Didn't have to.

The costume hid it quite nicely.

Sunday dinner!

What?!

The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard

was instructed to neutralize anyone

who looks suspicious.

Ustten!

What?

It's Turkish for "from the top".

I have a lot of downtime
while you're resetting.

Oh.

Woof!

Did you forget Count Maxim du Vernay

brought his service shar-pei?

If I'm being honest,
I skimmed that part.

Again!

Hi. You ready for me?

I believe I've Googled
everything I need to know.

So, let's get started.

This is California.

Lake Superior is here,
all the way across --

Are you trying to take off my shoe?

I thought you wanted to show me things.

I do.

I'm a geography teacher, and,
boy, do you need one.

Are you kidding me?

If her new husband is an arsonist,

you guys have to tell her.

Everybody, calm down.
The guy burned down one house.

He's not in jail, so he's got
the government's A-okay.

I recently discovered
I have some issues with Mom,

but I love her.

I don't want her to wake up
in a burning house

just so you don't have to pay alimony.

I love Mom, too... usually.

But if this wedding doesn't happen,

you know where she's
gonna end up in 10 years --

su casa or...my...casa.

Besides, the first wife
obviously drove the guy nuts.

How do we know your mother's gonna --

Oh, geez.

Luke, you're such a quick learner.

Thanks. I had no idea that was there.

Come in.

Is that you? Uh-huh.

I'll be out in a second.

This is so naughty.

I was going to see Alex
and let her down easy.

I mean, she's family. It's taboo.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be judgy, especially
when, you know, trains.

Ooh. Dark. I like it.

I-I was going to let you down!

You sure did!

Well, your hat was garish.

Excuse me.

Have any of you guys seen the guy

I was dancing with earlier?

So, it turns out James got off
right after I left him.

On a possibly unrelated note,
my wallet is gone.

Trains.

Mr. Hastings, we did it.

We made it to the caboose
and back without being seen.

Your book works.

I can't believe it. Are you sure?

Yes! Yes.

It's a combination of
slithering, clever disguise,

and not to write the book for you,

but it would help if
the Count had a wooden hand.

Well, I was sort of in that area anyway.

A thousand thank-yous.

Silverton lives!

Yay!

Hi. Oh, you guys are doing
that book thing, right?

Yeah. Well, I don't know
if this helps at all,

but I was just talking to the engineer.

It turns out he can't leave the controls

because of what's called
a dead man's switch.

If he takes his foot off of it,
the whole train stops.

Anyway, you're welcome.

If the engineer can't leave
the controls, then...

He can't commit the murder. It's over.

Hastings, we are so sorry.

It's time to rid myself

of this 500-hundred page stain.

Wait! No! No, no, no, no!

Open, damn you! No, no!

Wait! Wait!

Is that the back of the train?

Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn.

Only two of them in the
continental United States,

one of which is here in California,

which is in North America.

Sadly, I know all of this now.
That's it.

The engineer -- He never
has to leave the controls.

He waits for the horseshoe turn.

Then he plugs the Earl
in the caboose. I heard it.

This is brilliant!

I can't believe you two clowns
have saved my book.

Actually, it's just one clown.

One magician.

Hey, Mom! Hi! Hi, Mom!

Well, hello, original family.

Dede, we have something
we have to tell you.

Now, I know there's
a delicate way to say this.

Just can't think of it.

Your fianc?'s a pyro.

He burnt down his ex-wife's house.

It's just like you three
to try to ruin my big day.

Mom, we just thought you should know.

Jerry told me everything.

Trust me. She had it coming.

The woman's "cah-razy".

So, you're okay he's a firebug?

He's passionate, Jay.

He knows how to express
his feelings, unlike you.

Maybe if you had burned our house down,

we'd still be together.

My mistake. You're right, Dede.

Great, Mom. See you at the wedding. Bye.

Claire, you're not mad at me

about your seating arrangements?
Why? Where am I sitting?

Mitchell, tell her. Got to run.

You're not sitting at the family table.

Hello!

_

Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction,

"Open House, Closed Casket".

"He looked up at the
pristine crown molding

in the great room and felt the breeze

of the recently updated central air.

'Mrs. Coruthers, just as
this desirable corner lot

was split in half, so,
too, is Mr. Coruthers.'

The widow gasped and steadied herself

on the granite kitchen island,
a fitting metaphor

for how alone she felt,
despite being walking distance

to a vibrant shopping district
and wonderful schools."

I've been avoiding him
for the last two weeks.

Don't answer that!