Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 22 - Patriot Games - full transcript

English Subtitles.
[MP4] Modern Family S06E22 (720p) Patriot Games - HDTV [KoTuWa]

OK, Lily, I've got the list
of what you need for your project.

Glitter glue...

- ...glitter dots...
- Mm-hmm.

...glitter... paper.

Mrs. Daniels says my projects
have too much glitter.

Okay, well,
she needs a Mr. Daniels,

because a project can't have
too much pizzazz.

It's a report
on the potato famine.

I'm... I'm sorry.
Do Irish tears not sparkle?

Okay. Okay. Sorry.



- Longinus, Jotham.
- Oh, hey.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, guys. What's up?

Oh, nothing, just picking up
supplies to make signs

- for the big protest.
- Yes.

- Oh, right. Right, yes.
- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, uh, w...
- And which big protest is...

We're picketing
the Jai Alai Lounge

- for obvious reasons.
- Obviously.

- Obviously.
- Obviously, yes.

What reasons, daddy?

Um, well, Jotham,
y-you tell her.

It makes me so angry,
I can't even say it out loud.

So upset.

All we know is
the Jai Alai Lounge



- has the single best burger
in the country... - Oh, my god.

...if not the universe.

- The Jai Alai burger is 1/4-pound...
- 1/3.

...prime Angus,

- Uh, fresh, crispy lettuce...
- Butter lettuce.

...a sauce delivered
from heaven...

From Kansas City.

...all on a perfectly toasted,
fresh-baked bun.

With sesame seeds.

I wanted to have it
as our wedding cake.

Maybe for your next one.

Hmm?

So, who's this "we"
that's picketing?

Every week,
a group of us get together

to protest those who have been
holding back the gay cause.

Why haven't we ever
been invited?

It's just that you're not that...

- Political.
- Mm.

Uh, um, you know, ever since...

He knows I can see, right?

We are very,
very political people.

- Yes, we were just discussing...
- Mm-hmm.

- ...the potato famine of Ireland.
- Yes.

I haven't had a potato
in four years.

Well, if you're
honestly interested,

we'll be out there
on Saturday at noon.

You should come join us.

- We will.
- Yep. With bells.

- Yeah. That's just... that's
an expression. - Oh, gosh.

These are for Lily's project

on the potato famine, actually.

- Oh, okay. Bye.
- Well, all right.

- See ya, guys.
- Bye.

- See ya Saturday, guys.
- Yeah, good to see you.

Bye.

Oh, my god.
Can you believe that?

Yeah, he's a little hippy

for somebody that doesn't
eat potatoes.

We were called
into Principal Brown's office

one week before
Alex's graduation.

That can mean
only one of two things.

Either she's gonna be
valedictorian

or they're giving an award
for sexiest dad.

We're very proud of Alex.

Honey.

I'm sorry.

I just feel like my whole life
has been building up to this point.

- I know.
- Oh.

- Hello, Dunphys.
- Hey. - Hi.

So nice to be able to

give you some good news
in one of these meetings.

How is Haley, by the way?

So sorry we're late.
We...

- What's she doing here?
- What's he doing here?

Well, Alex and Sanjay,

after four years
of spirited competition,

I am very pleased to tell you

that you are
the Pali High Class of 2015...

Ooh...
Co-valedictorians!

- That's amazing! Yes!
- Oh!

Couldn't be more proud
of the both of you, huh?

What do you mean...
Co-valedictorians?

"Co" is the Latin prefix
for "together."

But really, what do you mean...
Co-valedictorians?

Well, I thought there might be
some aggressive questions

that, uh, made me nervous,
and so I wrote down my remarks.

Uh...

No, I'm not trying to
ruin your lives.

It's just that your GPAs
are tied

to the thousandth
of a decimal point.

- But my GPA's 4.645923.
- My GPA's 4.645923.

She got an "A-"
on the French final.

He got an "A-"
on an English paper.

- Oh.
- No.

This is a nightmare.

Worst day of my life.

Guys, we should be celebrating.

This is literally a win/win.

I didn't work my whole life
for a tie.

No offense, Principal Brown,
but you were a teaching major.

I'd like to check
the GPAs myself.

Have at it.

What is it with these two?

I agree with them.
Ties are un-American.

Would you be happy if
the Super Bowl ended in a tie?

Yes! There'd be twice
as many parades!

There must be some way
to determine

who the best student is.

Well, unfortunately,

all the final exams
and the papers are in.

Grades are closed.

Not all the grades.

Well, well, well...

Looks like the janitor
finally fixed my chair.

What are you guys
all doing here?

What are the last two states
to be admitted into the Union?

Alaska and Hawaii.

Name two cabinet-level
positions.

That's easy.

There's a higher one
for the glasses

and a lower one
for the pots and the pans.

Hey, don't get cocky.

When we started
studying for this,

you thought
the Secretary of Defense job

was to guard "da fence."

Gloria's about to take
her citizenship test.

This little jumping bean's
about to become an American.

Jumping beans are Mexican.

Once you're an American,
you won't see the difference.

I got you a little gift
to celebrate.

Aww.

I know it's not much.

It's practically nothing.

It's America.
It's fun.

Aww, thank you, Jay.
I'm so excited.

Do you know that once I pass,
I can serve on a jury?

They still use
the electric chair, right?

We're back.

Hola, Javier.

How was "take your son
to not work" day?

How was life before radio?

Ah.

Manny told me about your plans

to abandon your Colombian roots.

Really? You're gonna
lecture me on abandonment?

You left to buy some diapers,
and I saw you four years later.

If only you could let that go
as easily as your homeland.

Are they fighting
or falling back in love?

...c-cow!

Cow?

Cow?!

The woman who is abandoning
her country

cannot remember
the Spanish word for cow.

It slipped my mind.

Vaca.

There's a taco truck parked
outside my office.

Well, it looks like you both
have the same gym grade,

but I do see here
that neither of you

have completed
this semester's mile run.

We were at a debate tournament.

- Which we won, thanks to me.
- Oh, please.

After your long-winded
summation on euthanasia,

people wanted to
kill themselves.

Enough.
We will do a makeup race.

And whoever wins
gets to be valedictorian.

- You're on.
- This is crazy.

Are we all so obsessed
with being number one

that we can't just
celebrate this moment?

Yeah, I mean, it's the end
of their senior year.

They're both
into great colleges.

They should be off celebrating,
playing hookey,

going up to the lake house
to go skinny-dipping

with their friend's older
brother who's home from college.

- Let's... let's keep this
general, Claire. - Okay. Yeah.

The point is
these are two amazing kids.

- We should be celebrating them both.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm, we're not surprised
you would think that.

Great.

Wait. What?

Every parent wants to believe

that their child can compete
with Sanjay.

But Alex can compete
with Sanjay.

That's why we're here.

Sanjay was forming
full sentences at 13 months.

Alex had a poem published
in Highlights magazine

when she was 5 years old.

It was called
"Mr. Lamb buys a ham."

But really, it was
about the Holocaust.

- Hmm.
- When he was 16,

Sanjay was the highest-ranked
chess player in the state.

When Alex was 15,

she discovered a mistake
in our taxes.

- We owed a lot more money
than I realized. - Hmm.

Yes, we're very impressed
with how much Alex

has been able to accomplish,
given her background.

You know what?
You're right.

Let's settle this
out on the track.

All right, Coach Tucker,

I'm assuming we can count
on you to officiate.

Well, now, normally,

I don't like to be
the center of attention.

That's fine.
I'll get someone else.

I said I would do it.

Alex's uncle cannot possibly be
considered an impartial judge.

I'm the gym teacher.

Who else has the training
to oversee this?

Anyone with a stopwatch?

Okay, you know what?
No need to humiliate me.

May the best child win.

- Oh, she will.
- Ah.

Consider this moment gauntleted.

Is that a word?

Hold your head up like it is.

Vocabulary's mostly
a matter of confidence.

- I love that we're getting involved.
- Yeah, me, too.

I think we're really gonna send
a strong message to whomever

to stop doing whatever it is
he or she is doing.

Oh, like "shame" doesn't cover
1,000 different things?

Okay.
Where is everybody?

So like the gays to no-show.

Yeah, right?

Is there a sale at Barney's
that nobody told us about?

- Seriously, is there?
- I don't know.

Longinus and Jotham
do this all the time.

They... they guilt us
into doing something,

and then they bail.

They did it at Pepper's
New Year's Steve party.

Yeah, everybody had to dress
as a famous Steve.

Steve Austin.
Steve Martin.

They bailed, and we got stuck
in a room full of Sondheims.

♪ How are you doing? ♪

♪ My name is Steve ♪

Hi. Excuse me.

- Table for two?
- No, no.

God no.
Um, have there been

any protesters out front
this afternoon?

Oh, the gay thing?
Not today.

Oh, of course.

We rush around
all morning...

I haven't eaten breakfast...
And... and for nothing.

And it couldn't smell
any better in here.

We do have a table.

No, thank you.

No, we're not gonna compromise
our principles just for...

We'll take a booth
away from the window.

In back.
Something in back?

- This way.
- Yeah. Okay. - Yeah?

Oh, my god.
She's still going.

I know.

Remember how winded
she used to get

hauling around "Ulysses"
in the third grade?

She's surprisingly graceful
for being so uncoordinated.

I know. I was hoping to get
a funny video of her falling.

But I don't think
it's gonna happen.

My playlist ended two minutes
ago. I heard all that.

Honey, I know we were
all just saying it before,

but you could actually
win this thing.

I wasn't just saying it.
I will win.

Nothing is going to...
Ohh!

Oh. There it is.

Hey.
What's going on here?

I'm making sancocho.

Yeah. You got your little
Colombian music going, huh?

I know.
So beautiful.

Javier got to you, didn't he?

No.

Maybe a little bit.

Gloria, don't listen to him.
Get rid of that squirrel stew.

I got a few special things here

to help celebrate
you becoming an American.

Look.
Kobe steaks.

Bottle of scotch.

Cigars.

You know that none of that
is made in America.

Buying them all
was the American part.

Jay, I'm not in the mood.

- I am having some doubts.
- Okay.

You listened to Javier.
Now listen to me.

Do you know why I want you
to become an American citizen?

Because I fought
for this country.

My father
fought for this country.

Because this country's all about
freedom and opportunity,

and I want you
to share in that 100%.

You're right.
I want that, too.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, you're just
a little scared.

I know what will help you
feel better.

We'll fire up some steaks,
we'll pour a little wine,

you pop into those short shorts,

I chase you
around the living room...

That type of thing.

Hey, mom.

Um, I got invited

to my friend Billy's house
for dinner tonight.

Don't worry. We're not gonna
eat this. We're gonna eat steak.

Oh, good.
There's no Billy.

Why the sudden change in menu?

Well, I was having some doubts,
but Jay made me feel better.

He told me the reason why
he wants me to be an American.

Oh, those long lines.

- What long lines?
- The customs line.

Oh, Jay hates them when
we come back from Cabo.

What?

That son of a bitch wants me
to turn my back on my homeland

for an airport line?

You know, I should at least
make an appearance at Billy's.

Sanjay.
What are you doing here?

What are those?

Ankle weights.

Okay.
Wrist weights.

Why are you here?

Look, uh, tomorrow,
it's all gonna be over,

everything we've been working
for since we started school.

So, I-I wanted to come by
and say thanks.

I'm not a doctor yet,

but it seems like you're having
some sort of brain episode.

No, I'm serious.
Thank you for pushing me.

You know how hard it's been to
keep up with you my whole life?

Uh, I have
my GPA because of you.

I got into Stanford
because of you.

I'll admit I did spend
about a few hundred extra hours

trying to be better than you.

I'm gonna miss this
when we go to college.

Yeah, I guess
I'll miss this, too.

I like you.

Okay.

I mean like-like,

like how Pierre Curie
liked Marie Curie.

Oh.

I'm sorry.
I-I went too far.

You smell pretty.
I should go.

Where's Alex?
I made her a smoothie.

Might have made it
a little too healthy.

Why are we so focused
on helping Alex win

when we could be working on
making Sanjay lose?

- Talk to me. - Okay, is there
a manhole on the track,

because it's kind of important
to my plan.

Okay, that was weird.
Sanjay was just here.

He said that the best
part of high school

was our competition, and...

that he liked me.

Oh, honey.

What?

Doesn't the timing seem
a little suspicious to you?

Maybe, but he seemed
really genuine.

Classic psychological warfare.

I've dealt with it
in elite competitions.

I didn't realize it happened
outside of cheerleading.

Think about it, sweetie.

Has he ever said
anything nice to you before?

No.

Not even when I break out
my fun blazer.

Oh, my god.
What is wrong with me?

I can't believe I let him
get in my head.

Oh, he is going down.

Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins
a lifetime of second best.

Enjoy your hydrox cookies

and your silver medal,
Mr. Vice President!

You go, girl.

Do we have any cookies?

Gloria.

Howdy, hubby.

How about some grub
before we turn on the NASCAR?

I'm not gonna lie,
I like where this is going.

But, uh... I'm not sure
I'm supposed to.

Ain't this what you wanted?

The perfect American wife

to make your life
more convenient?

Do you think
that's an American accent?

From Texas.

Manny told me that you want me
to give up my heritage

so that you don't have to
wait in line at the airport.

Oh, I got to stop talking
to that kid when I'm drinking.

Well, I'm not gonna do it.

So say goodbye
to your little American wife.

Man, those shorts
really take the sting

out of getting yelled at.

Yeah.

Oh, my god,
that burger was so good,

I feel like
I just cheated on you.

Yeah, I heard the moaning.
Are we terrible people?

I don't think we are.
Look, hear... hear me out.

By eating those burgers,
we denied them

from the sort of
narrow-minded homophobes

that would come
to a restaurant like this.

Okay, I don't totally follow,
but I like where you ended up.

I-I'm just saying that we did
the right thing by coming here,

and I feel like...
Oh, god, gays.

We're here! We're queer!

We don't support corporations
that contribute to super PACs

which don't support healthcare
coverage for same-sex partners!

- Oh, right.
- We're here...

- Right. Right.
- That's why we're boycotting this place.

Right.

We're here! We're queer!

How are we supposed to fall in
without them noticing?

Okay, it's just like
double Dutch.

Just find the rhythm
and jump in. Go, go.

- Right now? Ah.
- We're here! We're queer!

We don't support corporations
that contribute to super PACs

which don't support healthcare
coverage for same-sex partners!

We're here! We're queer!

We don't support corporations
that contribute to super PACs

which don't support...

Hey, you came!

Well, well, well.
What a surprise.

I don't know why
this is a surprise.

We're very political people.

Yes, there's not a week
that goes by

that we're not deeply entrenched

in the issues
that face our community.

Ohh. Deeply. Deeply.

- And this whole, um, super PAC thing...
- Super PAC.

- Ohh.
- It's... it is infuriating.

- Mr. Pritchett, you forgot your cellphone
inside. - Thank you. Thank you.

See, uh,
before you guys got here,

we went in there,

and we demanded a refund
for our gift cards.

- Yes, we went into the belly
of the beast. - So... Yes, we did.

- Sir, you forgot your food to go.
- Thank you.

- And fed your bellies.
- How could you?

Okay, before you get
all superior,

we hadn't eaten since breakfast.

It's a quarter to 1:00.

That's what I'm saying.

Okay, you know what? Yes.

We went in there
with the best of intentions,

and we stumbled,
but who amongst us hasn't?

- And, okay, isn't that what
we're fighting for... - Yes.

...the freedom to fall short
of perfection

and still be judged by the same
standard as everyone else? That.

- Thank you.
- No.

Didn't you hear our chant?
It was really quite clear.

- It's quite long.
- You know, look.

- We want to be socially responsible.
- We do.

We want to do the right thing.

- But it's hard to keep track...
- So hard.

...of all the companies
that we like

- and that we don't like.
- Don't like.

We're... we're just trying
to make it in this world,

raise our daughter,
get her to her soccer game.

- Ooh.
- Not Youth Soccer Federation.

'Cause if it's Youth Soccer
Federation...

- I don't want to know.
- Oh, my god!

You know what?
Sh-shame! Shame!

Shame!
Shame on you.

You are no better than
the people in that restaurant.

Come on, Cam let's go.

Come on.

Think they bought it?

Keep your head up.
Don't look back.

Being right
is mostly confidence.

Okay, look.
I'm sorry.

We good?

Apparently not.

Look, complaining about
a line at an airport

is easier than
admitting the truth

about why I want you
to become a citizen.

I guess it still bothers me

that you have all these ties
to Javier.

What ties?
What are you talking about?

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett.

You still have his last name.
You're both Colombians.

When you and I come back
to the country,

we have to wait
in separate lines

like we're not even
in the same family.

I don't know.

I guess I just thought that
if you committed to America,

in some weird way,
you'd be recommitting to me.

That's the longest
you've ever been quiet,

and it's terrifying.

I know nobody asked
for my advice...

Yet you're talking.

I agree with Jay.

Let's hear him out.

Don't do this for him, mom.

You're all over the place.

But you also shouldn't worry
about what dad thinks.

I think you should become
a citizen

because even back when
we were alone in our apartment,

this is what you always wanted.

Remember sitting by the window,

watching reruns of "Miami vice"
on the neighbor's TV,

and all the bad guys were caught

and all the policemen had
those... those nice cars?

We used to watch that

and think what
an amazing country this was.

Did a little research.

If mom isn't a citizen when Jay
"moves on to a better place,"

we could be looking at
a pretty hefty estate tax.

I don't want to sound
insensitive,

but I have acquired
a real taste for truffles.

All right, kids, four laps.

First one to finish wins.

It's not rocket science,
unfortunately for you,

because I think
you'd find that easier.

You nervous?

Come on, Alex!
You can do it!

I ran six miles
the morning you were born!

You came out of the womb
ready for this!

Sanjay! Your 115 cousins
are rooting for you!

Why are you ignoring me?

All right, on your mark.

Look. I didn't mean
to weird you out yesterday.

Stop it. I'm not falling
for these little mind games.

- Get set.
- It's not a game.

- It's how I feel.
- I said enough, Sanjay.

Run, Sanjay!

- What's happening?
- He must know something we don't.

Stop running, Alex!
It's a trap!

What are you doing?

I was telling the truth
yesterday.

I don't care
if I lose valedictorian

if it'll prove
that I really like you.

Are...
Are you serious?

Yes.

Please don't laugh at me.

I'm... I'm feeling very exposed
with my skinny legs.

I-I like your legs.

You do?

Well...
I love your hair.

And your smile.

And the way you roll
your beautiful brown eyes

when someone
gets an answer wrong.

I don't understand
what's going on.

Why isn't he running?

We spent $1,200

on a Skype session
with Usain Bolt.

Uh, I feel like
we're about to kiss.

Are we about to kiss,
'cause I've never really...

Oh, my god.
They're kissing.

Sanjay!
What are you doing?!

Get away from her!

Oh, it's so cute.

He seems quite skilled at it.

Okay, that's enough.

I-I think...
I think we can dial it back.

So, co-valedictorians it is.

I missed a tile demo
at Home Depot for this,

but good for you.

This is a land

where people
of vastly different cultures

are brought together by
their willingness to work hard

and their desire to succeed.

I'm a better kisser
than you are.

You're joking, right?
I'm actually destroying you.

This is a land made great

by people standing up
for what they believe.

What are you doing?

Um, you know what?

I have decided that we...
We cannot eat these curly fries.

Ba-Ba-Ba!
Shake it.

The container, Cam.

This is a beacon of freedom.

Welcome to the United States
of America.

That's your wife?

Pretty great country, huh?

Okay.
You ready to begin?

Yes.

The United States government
has how many branches?

- Three.
- Correct.

What color are the stars
on the American flag?

White, but I feel like
it's my duty to tell you

that you have a flag
right behind you,

so probably you need to ask me
another question.

No need.
Congratulations, you passed.

What? That's it?
Two questions?

And I have a cheat flag?
That's all it takes?

Yep, you'll get
an official letter in the mail

with the details
of your oath ceremony.

Do you know how long
I've been studying for this?

You're robbing me of
the feeling of achievement.

Ask me another question,
and a hard one this time.

- But you already pa...
- Do it!

OK. How many members
of Congress are there?

You know what? It's too late,
you already said that I passed.