Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 21 - Integrity - full transcript

Jay talks Phil into standing up to Claire, but freaks out when Phil turns the tables on him. Claire lobbies for Luke to win a school award. Mitch and Cam finally address a sensitive topic while babysitting for Joe.

- Don't ask.
- Don't tell.

It's probably obvious, anyway.
I was up all night crying.

I'll see if she's here.

Sarah Fink. My lab partner who I hoped
one day would be my love partner.

I caught one of my
so called friends hitting on her.

And now she's like the fetal pig
we once so happily shared.

Cold, unresponsive,

You've got two choices.

You can mope your way up those stairs
and soak in a pity bath,

or you can pick yourself up,
march into that school

and act like you don't even know that girl.


If mom asks,
I borrowed her tub pillow.

Jay! Don't forget to drop Joe
at Mitch and Cam's later.

What time are they
expecting me to, uh...

Oh, what the hell?

Isn't it cute?

Last night
when I went to do my nails,

the girls did it just for fun.

- What's fun about a lifetime of
gender confusion? - Ay, please.

It's the same as when you took
him to the Dodgers game

and you brought him back
with that Dodgers cap.

You think? Or is it different
in every conceivable respect?

Ay, and don't forget that Phil
is gonna be meeting you

at Mitch and Cam's

to help you bring
Lily's Princess castle here.

She's outgrown it,
but Joe loves that thing.

Ay, don't make that face.

- You're gonna bring it, right?
- Sure, honey.

Okay. Hold him.

I picked a fine time to run out
of lavender bath beads.

I wanted
two rough and tumble boys.

I got a Manny...

And a pedi.

She's my first girlfriend,

This time tomorrow,
she'll be in our living room,

if we can fit her
through the doorway.

Okay, I feel like I have to ask.

Dad's about to buy a Miss Pac-Man.

What was our struggle for?

And not just
any "Ms. Pac-Man,"

but an original 1982 fully
reconditioned podium-style unit.


- With original coin return.
- Mm.

- They're even throwing in the stool.
- Mm.

Come on!

Oh, you know, you're right.
It's stupid.

Just be taking up space we need

for things we actually use,
like the piano -- oh, wait.

What's going on with you?

Oh, I have a throbbing headache.

It's making it hard to...

Pretend that you're sick?

Yeah, you just ate
a bushel of cereal.

Check the structural integrity
of the trophy case, bitches,

'cause mama's bringing home
some hardware!

Awards day at school --

The one day of the year
Alex has some real swagger.

Ironically, the one thing
she's not good at.

When I say "trophy,"
you say "trophy"!



Can I get a wha-what?



[ Glasses clatter ]



I always worried that
Alex winning all those awards

would bother Luke,
and looks like it finally did.

Can't be easy growing up in the
shadow of a superstar sister.

Look at Mitchell.


Okay, do you have any queens?

Yeah, two big ones.

Okay, you know what?
It was funny the first time.

Now it's just getting mean.

[ Thud ]
What was that?

Mr. Polasky, our upstairs
neighbor, died last week.

He was 93, and he'd been sick
for a while.

Yeah, and we --
We tried cheering him up

with a "get well" sign
in the front yard.

Okay, how's that look?

Looks great.

- Uh-huh.
- Honestly.

- Oh.
- No! No.

"Get well son"?

Okay, well, you know what?

"Soon" seemed
a little bossy anyway.

Mitchell and I
have always discussed

trying to buy the place

in the event
something happened to Stan.

We -- we could use
the extra space for a guest room

or an office or maybe even...

A nursery.

I think I may
want another child.

But I don't want to
bring it up to Mitchell

and put pressure on him

because he's been so adamant
about not wanting one.

The last thing
he's thinking about is a...


I've been having stirrings,

but because it was such
an emotional roller coaster

in the past,

I don't want to bring it up

unless I have
some sort of indication...

That we're both
on the same page.

That's why, when Gloria asked
if we'd watch Joe,

I said "sure."

It'd be a chance
to remind Mitchell

how nice it is
to... have a baby.


Claire Dunphy.

What can I do you for?

Oh, it's not so much
what you can do me for.

Sounded a --
A tiny bit prostitute-y.

I'm sorry about that.

Actually, I do have
a tiny favor to ask.

- You know, I love your family.
- Oh.

- I mean, Haley, our Homecoming queen.
- Yeah.

And now Alex winning just about
every academic award.

- Oh, I know. - It's been an honor
to teach the Dunphy children.

Well, today I'm here
to talk about Luke.

Is that the science rabbit?

That's my son.

Oh! Yes. Of course.

That's sort of the point.

I think he's feeling
a little bit overlooked.

I was wondering
if you could just,

you know, toss him
one of those awards today.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Well, I'm afraid
all of the award winners

have already been decided.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, but, hey,
if it makes him feel better,

he was in the running
for the integrity award.

He just got edged out by --

Scott Wheeler?

Oh, that little weasel's a narc.

Halloween carnival,
2008 --

[ mockingly ] "Mrs. Dunphy's
grape juice smells like medicine."

It was a long morning.

It would mean so much to him.

Well, Claire...

That wouldn't be fair.

I know. I'm sorry.
[ Groans ]

- I'm so sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

I-I-I really am --
So embarrassing.

Maybe there's
some sort of, um --

I don't know, like, a-- a--
A donation or something

I could give to the auto shop
to, um... grease the wheels.

We're good on grease.

But you can never have
too much brake fluid, so --

Or perhaps the soccer team
could use some new cleats,

- help them get their...
- Kick back?

Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, I'm really
doing everything I can

to ignore the fact
that you're trying to bribe me

for the Marlon Boniface
integrity award.

Oh! I'm so glad
you can remember that name,

but you can't remember Luke.

My first day off in a month,

I'm headed out the door
to go shopping with Gloria,

and my stupid boss needs me
to pick up some stupid orchid.

Like my time's not valuable?

Gloria was gonna help me
pick out a toe ring.

Oh, I don't care
if you are here illegally,

you're gorgeous.

Listen, mister, for your
information, I am --

He's talking... flower.

Gavin, I would like
to introduce you --

Where are the photos
from the Milan show I asked for?

I-I don't remember
you asking for them.

Oh. I guess one of us
is mistaken, but who?

The fashion icon
profiled by Vanity Fair

for pioneering
a new sock length,

or the part-time employee
who shares a stapler?


Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Here they are.

Oh, look what's new for fall.


Do you know the Thai, German,
Argentine, Mexican

- gourmet food truck back to basics?
- Yes.

I need you to make me
a standing reservation there.

How do I make
a standing reservation?

Parking's a bitch.

I need you to go there,
find a spot,

and stand in it until I arrive.

I wanted to kill him.

But I bite my tongue,
because in this family,

they think that I am
a Colombian hothead,

which is crazy because
a Colombian hot head is

when you set somebody's
head on fire.

It smells terrible,
but it sends a message.

[ Horn honking ]

Go somewhere else.

It's me -- Gloria.

What are you doing? I told you
to go shopping without me.

I couldn't enjoy it
knowing you're standing there

like a little orange cone.

It's my job.
It's fine.

No, it's not fine.
He's a terrible man.

But I did a little something
to make you feel better.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god,
what have you done?

He messes with something
I love --

I mess with something he loves.

The second it goes missing,

he's going to check
security cameras,

and I'm going to get fired.

So what?

He's the worst person
I have ever met,

and there was a man
in my village

named Fabio the baby puncher.


[ Horn honks ]

Hey, cone. Move.

Um, okay.
Um, just -- just leaving.

[ Cellphone ringing ]



[ Chuckles ]

Claire: I'd already been caught
trying to bribe the principal,

but believe it or not,

I was still trying
to think of a way

to get Luke that award.

Then I saw Scott Wheeler.

Yeah, he was a narc
and a goody two-shoes,

but he was also just a child.

And I knew
the right thing to do.

Sometimes all it takes
is a little nudge.


[ Clicks tongue ]

- He is so adorable.
- I know, isn't he?

Remember when Lily
was like this?

What do you say
when I'm not here?


Joe, let's show Mitchell

how you can catch
and throw the ball.

Let's see.

[ Laughs ]

Is this so that I'll learn?

Oh, yes --
Well, no, but, I mean,

if you pick up on it,
that'd be great.

Okay, well, no,
actually, here --

Joe, let's show Cam
how we can dance, huh?

[ Upbeat music plays ]
I love a dance party.

Oh, there we are.
I like this beat.

- Should I join you?
- Yes, of course.

Okay, if you insist.

[ Both chuckle ]

Oh, how fun is this?

So fun.

- You look so happy.
- You look so happy.

No, seriously,
I wish you could see

the happy look on your face.

Well, if it's half as happy
as the look on your face...

[ Clicks ]
[ Music stops ]

are we almost discussing

what I think
we're almost discussing?

- I want to have another baby.
- I do, too.

I just was afraid
to say anything.

I was, too.

I -- but the timing
seems right, right?

I mean, we both seem to be
on the same page.

I-I just really miss
having a baby around.

The writing's on the wall.

But mostly on the curtains.

Oh, boy, okay.

Oh. All right.
That's fine.

[ Sighs ]

There's water underneath
the seat there if you want it.

Those guys at the loading dock

really gave me the business

when they found out
I was hauling a princess castle.

[ Laughs ]

Something was bugging him.
He needed to talk.

It's like I don't
want to be happy.

Well, you've obviously got
something on your mind.

Claire and I had a thing.

Oh, you're just
gonna make fun of me.

No, I promise
I won't make fun of you.

I've always wanted
a "Ms. Pac-Man" machine,

but Claire said no.

she didn't say anything.

She just made a disapproving
noise, and I rolled over.

Pretty wimpy, huh?

No. I've been there.

- Really?
- You have to sometimes.

That's the way marriages work.

All this happy wife,
happy life sort of stuff.

Tell you
what would make me happy.

This bad boy right here.

It's still in my shopping cart

'cause I just can't say goodbye.

Who doesn't want a happy life?

But soon you're saying,
"yes, dear,"

and, "whatever you need, dear,"

without even thinking about it.

Anti-glare plexi,
reinforced podium.

Stand up every once in a while,
you lose all your power.

It's even got a wrist pad
for your knob hand.

Before you know it,

you're picking up
a pink princess castle

for your pedicured

saying goodbye
to your last chance

to have one red-blooded man
in the family.

And you're getting
that damn game, Phil!

What in the name of "Pac-Man"
creator Toru Iwatani

- have you done?!
- You deserve it.

You work hard.
You provide for your family.

No regrets.

You know what?
I don't regret it.

'Course you don't.

I'm the owner
of a "Ms. Pac-Man"!

[ Both laugh ]

This is exhilarating!

Thanks, Jay.

You know, every now and then,

- I wonder how you really feel about me--
- Bup bup bup bup!

I'm sure you'd do
the same for me.

- Gotcha.
- Good.

- Message received.
- Good.

What the hell did you do?!

I thought you sent me a message!

Have you lost your mind?!

Thank god
it's still in one piece.

We can probably --


OK, dummy.

We get this thing on the backyard

we nail it together and Gloria
will never find out.

Don't do this, Jay.

As your best friend,
I implore you.

If we rebuild this castle, we tear
down everything we built today.

And what?!

We stood up for ourselves.

There's no turning back.

We're going to tell Claire
and Gloria what we did.

I'm scared, Phil, okay?

They count on that fear.
They feed off it.

No more.

[ Car door closes ]

Someone's looking
sexy and sweaty.

That's right.

And this sexy, sweaty someone

is now the proud owner
of a vintage "Ms. Pac-Man" game.

Oh, it came?

They promised they weren't gonna
deliver it until tomorrow.

I wanted to be there
to see your face.

It was killing me this morning

when you said
you wanted to get your own.

Do ya love it?

Love -- I love you.


Gloria: Jay?

What took you so long?

Joe's gonna be here
in 30 minutes.

[ Gasps ]
What happened to the castle?

Little snafu.

About this princess castle --

Claire: What's that?

Black paint and a skull flag

so that we can turn
this princess thing

into a pirate castle.

Pirate castle?

Yes. He's a boy.

We have talked about this.

Why do men never listen?

It's always,
"sure, honey. Sure, honey."

I don't know.
Marriage is hard.

Okay, we can solve
both our problems.

We put this princess castle
together in the next 30 minutes.

Let's go! Go, go!

- How does that solve my problem?
- Just go!

Oh, my gosh, what happened?

Joe took Lily's car
for a little spin.

Had a little fern-der bender,
but it's okay. It's fine.

Well, the curtains he drew on

are gonna need to be
professionally cleaned,

- but they were overdue.
- Oh.

Yeah. It's fun having
this energy back in the house.

It is. Where is that little
pudding-filled rocket, anyway?

Cameron: Oh, there he is.
There he goes.

- You see him? - Okay, yeah,
he's going into the bathroom.

- Okay. Oh. It's locked.
- Locked?

I'm gonna go around
to the other door. Yeah.

- Joe!
- Joe!

[ Exhales deeply ]

Okay, well, that's gonna clog.

All right, I'll get the plunger.

Okay, now, sweetie, listen.

We can't use
that much toilet paper

because it's wasteful.

[ Water splashes ]

Oh, my gosh.
My keys.

[ Toilet flushes ]

No, no!
No! No, no, no!

Oh, good, it didn't clog.

Okay. Oh, geez.

[ Sighs ]

Lily, did you spill purple paint
on the floor?

Yeah, I'm the problem today.

Oh, geez.

Oh, god!
The Vanderkoff!


Oh, god, the Vanderkoff!

It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.

We'll -- we'll just get it
professionally cleaned.

Yeah, w-we'll just throw it in
with the curtains. [ Chuckles ]

Joe: Ball!

[ Gasps ] Oh, no,
that's not a ball.

That's not a ball, no.
No, no, no.

That's a criminally expensive
Santangelo bowl.

Okay, I'm gonna
sneak around behind him

and you're just gonna
keep him talking.

Joe, you don't want to do this.

You know, as of right now,
you haven't done anything wrong.

You just hand that over to me,

and it's like
nothing ever happened, see?

Okay, he's not Baby Face Nelson.
He's an actual baby.

Okay, you know what?
You want to help out?

Slide something underneath it
like a throw pillow.

[ Bowl shatters ]




[ Chuckles ]

You forget what a handful kids
are when they're little, huh?

Yeah, I didn't realize
how easy we have it

- now that Lily's so independent.
- Yeah.

Plus, we're not as young as
we were when she was like this.

Mitchell, are -- are
we almost discussing

what I think
we're almost discussing?

Maybe we shouldn't rush
into having another kid?

It's a big decision, and I love
the way our lives are now.

Oh, god, me, too!


Th-Th-this doesn't make us
selfish people, does it?

Of course not.

Baby Joe's stuck in the well.

- Leave him.
- He's fine.

No, no, no.
A little bit more to the left.

What are you doing here?

I can't believe I have to
beg you to go shopping.

Well, I have to make sure

that you're putting that thing
in the right place

since this stupid, horrible job
is so important to you.

Ay, Haley, I have to say

today I lost
a little bit of respect for you.

Goodbye, Gloria.

You need to learn
how to stand up for yourself.

Do you know how easy that is
for you to say?

No, no. Nothing in English
is easy for me to say.

Unlike you,
I don't have a rich husband.

What I do have is a reputation
for being a screw-up

who never follows through
on anything.

[ Sighs ]

Which is why, in case
you haven't noticed,

I'm in my third year
of a two-year college program

and still living
in my parents' basement.

Look, I know
that this job sucks,

but it might actually lead
to something.

Do you know who
had this job five years ago?

Gavin, and he worked for an even
bigger jackass than he is.

That was a quick lunch.

Yeah, the line was too short.

It's over.
I can't be seen there.

I wouldn't want people
to think I was a jackass.

Uh, look, when --
When I said that,

I really didn't --

Okay, first of all,
you were just leaving.

Second of all,
maybe permanently.

Um. Yeah.

[ Cellphone rings ]


You know what, Gavin?

- I have had enough of --
- No.

What? Why not?

It's time I stood up
to this guy.

I'm probably gonna get fired,

so I might as well
get in a couple shots

before I lose my dental.

No, you were right before.

It's very easy to be like me,

to scream first and think later.

But that's
not how the world works.

Let me go talk to him.

- No.
- Yes.

I caused all this.

Anyways, it's good for me
every once in a while

to swallow my pride.

What do you want?

I just want you
to listen to my voice

and look into my eyes
and ask yourself,

"did this woman made it
all the way here from Colombia

without knowing
some very bad men

who would love
to do her a favor?"

[ Door opens ]

Okay. I don't know
what's gonna happen next,

but it feels so good
to apologize.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, my god, I still have my job.

Oh, that's great!
Let's go celebrate.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, you know what?
I can't.

I have to go spread seeds
on his front lawn

so he can run through birds
when he gets home.

I have one more thing
that I need to apologize for.

Call me the periodic table,
'cause I got all the "metals."


That's nice, honey.

Luke, how was your day?

Well, Luke won
the Boniface integrity award,

whereas I got all --

Are you kidding me?

That is fantastic!

I'm so proud of --

Luke: The bonerface!

You win that award,
everyone calls you "bonerface."

It's the super nerd award.

My underwear got pulled
over my head by a girl.

It always goes to Scott Wheeler,

but someone pushed his car
into a handicapped spot

so I'd get the award.

And I think I know
exactly who did it.

- Well --
- Manny!

You framed Scott Wheeler
so I'd win the bonerface.

It adds up.

First, lower your voice.
We're not stevedores.

Second, you're wrong.

it serves you right, anyway,

after you hit on Sarah Fink.

Oh, for god's sake.

There are plenty
of other girls out there.

Get over it.

[ Clatters ]

That cinnamon stick
is from Sri Lanka!

[ Grunts ]
Get off me!

You smell like a candle.

It's lavender bath beads,
you son of a bitch!

And the award for
the saddest brawl goes to...

Okay, stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

I did it! I did it!
I got you the bonerface!

Ugh, the bonifa--
What's it called?

Just get out of here.

- You?
- Yes.


Because I didn't know
it was a nerd award.

I just knew it was an award,
and I wanted you to have one.

And you were second in line
to get it, anyway,

so I just, you know...

Rigged it
because you think I'm a loser

who could never win
his own award?

No. No.

I-I just...

Alex has her awards and --

Thanks for believing in me.

[ Hammer pounding ]

Joe's gonna be here soon.

Let's pick up the pace.
Window looks good.

Let's raise the roof.

I don't think
it's time to celebrate, Jay.

We haven't even put on
the roo-- Oh.


I am so sorry.

You just seemed so upset
this morning,

and I assumed it was about
awards day and Alex.

I don't even care about awards.

Then why didn't you want
to go to school?

This isn't still
about that fight

that you're having with Manny
over Sarah Fink, is it?

I don't even like Sarah Fink.

I told her to stop calling me.

Well, then why does
Manny think that you're...


You didn't hit on her.
She hit on you.

And you're -- you're trying
to spare Manny's feelings.

I am the dumbest person
in the world

to think that
you would ever need my help

to win an integrity award.

I could not be prouder.
[ Smooches ]

Maybe next year, Alex.


Okay. Awning is done.

Supposed to be a drawbridge.

Weren't the chains a clue?

A lot of criticism

from a guy who just sawed
half his shoe off.

Who are we kidding?

We got a wall on backwards.

I don't even know
where that stuff goes.

It barely looks like a --

Joe: Castle!

Gloria: Joe, wait!

Hey, buddy.


Hey, it's gonna look even better
when it's painted.

Ah, the awning's a nice touch.

Jay, this castle's supposed to
look like so --

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, Joe, look what you did.

Do you expect me to believe

that a 2-year-old can destroy
a whole house in one second?

[ Scoffs ] - Easy.
- Oh, wow, yes.

[ Chuckling ]
For sure.

Jay, do you want to tell me
what really happened?

[ Sighs ]

No one wins anything

without help
from family and friends

who steer you away
from bad ideas...

Wait, Phil!
Phil! Phil!


...and toward good ones.

I don't know
what got into us today.

Oh, with the baby thing?

Yes. It's the last thing
I need right now.

- It's the last thing any of us
need right now. - Yeah.

- Because every time anyone
accomplishes anything... - Hey.

- ...he or she achieves it...
- Nice.

...with the help
of a thousand silent heroes,

the selfless team players
who offer their support,

not to be recognized,

but because
it's the right thing to do.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Awards aren't usually given out

for being a good person,
but today...

They are.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner

of the Marlon Boniface
integrity award is...

[ Laughs ]

This is awesome.

- Luke Dunphy.
- Luke: No!

Alex Dunphy.

Wow! This is a surprise.

Let me tell you about a little girl
with a dream.

Muchas, muchas gracias.

Ahh, where was I?

Awards day, or as
Sanjay Patel knows it,

pass over.

All that little girl wanted
was a calculator and a chance.