Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 23 - Crying Out Loud - full transcript

Claire thinks about leaving her job with her father. Phil, Haley and Luke take Alex on her "senior ditch day". Mitch and Cam are worried that Lily doesn't show empathy. Gloria tries to drive a wedge between Manny and his girlfriend.


Mom, come on,
I need to get to school.

Isn't today Senior Ditch Day?

Today is Ditch Day? No way
you're ditching Ditch Day.

It's like the best
week of Senior year.

Day.

Unlike this house, the library
will be completely quiet,

so I can focus
on my roommate selection.

How long can picking
a nerdy roommate take?

You're all versions of you.
Look.

Indian you. Blonde you.
Asian you.

Oh look! Her name
is actually you!

Skipping one day of school
isn't gonna do any harm.

I ditched plenty,
and look at me today.

I am fielding
multiple job offers.

One job offer.

From a very prominent
hotel chain

weighed against
the implied offer of staying

- at my current job...
- Working for you dad.

Exactly!
And I could never leave grandpa,

so I am going to say "no"
to the first offer...

Only offer.

Even though I would have made
an excellent

Regional Vice President
in charge of promotions.

She is great at promotion.

That title gets longer
every time I hear it.

Come on, don't go to school.
Girls' day!

We'll swing by the mall.
You could use a new everything.

Girls, get in the car.
Luke's hurt.

- Oh, my god.
- What happened?

He collapsed on the way
to school.

He's in the hospital. Come on.

What's wrong with Luke?
Why'd he collapsed?

[ Seat belts click ]
I heard he was dead!

[ Alex and Haley scream ]
Ha ha, you care about me.

- Ugh.
- Got 'em good, buddy.

Nobody's dead!

Look out! [ Car horn honks ]

- Oh, sorry!
- Are you out of your mind?!

Alex, you have worked
so insanely hard this year.

You deserve this ditch day
more than anyone. So guess what?

We're going to
California Adventure.

Whoo!

Without mom!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

All: [ Chanting ] - Ditch day!
- Ditch day! Ditch day!

Is this a high holiday
for you people?

That's it. I'm doing it.

I'm throwing out all my socks
and starting over.

And they say Tina was brave
for leaving Ike. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, ow! Oh, god. That hurts.
[ Winces ]

Oh, my gosh. You cut yourself.

Hey! Don't get blood in my eggs.

[ Sighs ]

We're getting concerned

that Lily hasn't developed
an adequate sense of empathy.

Insofar as she doesn't have
any at all.

[ Whirring ] Okay, that's good.
I can feel that working.

I know. I can finally breathe.

[ Sighs heavily ]

I can't hear myself think!

[ Plug thuds, whirring stops ]

Nice preview
of our sunset years.

She literally
pulled the plug on us.

Claire: I wasn't gonna mention
the other job offer to my dad,

but I didn't want him
just hearing about it,

so after wrestling with it
all day, I decided to tell him.

Hey, you're in early.

Are you ready to have a laugh?

- Janice's haircut?
- Ugh.

Give her some slack. She just
went through a breakup...

With a woman, I assume,
based on the haircut.

No, it's even funnier.

Uh, so you know how hard
I've been working on

the Grand Royal Hotel account?

Not giving raises
till next year, but go on.

They offered me a job.
[ Exhales ]

Crazy, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I mean, maybe not "crazy,"

but trying to poach
the boss's daughter?

I must have impressed 'em.
[ Chuckles ]

You gotta take this offer.

[ Inhales sharply ] What?

Higher salary, better benefits.

I mean, you might
have to travel more,

which is time away from Phil.

Nothing but upside.

He was right.

It was a great opportunity.

I may have been a bit hasty

turning down that job offer
so quickly.

Um, do you think
you could give me a day or two

to think about it?

Yes, it would mean leaving
my dad, but this was business.

It wasn't personal.

Plus, clearly my father
doesn't care if I live or die.

Hey, will I still get wise
without my wisdom teeth?

- You get it? [ Giggles ]
- Every time.

Why don't I hold on to
the painkillers? [ Pills rattling ]

Now I'm sad.

They're right here.

I'll give you
one when you need one.

No, Kylie said she'd meet me at
the dentist and she never came.

Ay, I know, papi, I'm so sorry,

but I'm gonna get you a very
nice pillow from your bedroom.

She wants me to go away with her
to Drama Camp this summer,

and then she doesn't even
show up today?

Maybe Kylie changed her mind
about camp.

Maybe she plans to be with many
men and she doesn't deserve you.

I hid it very well from Manny,
but I hated that girl.

She was getting too serious
too fast.

I'm so sorry.

My volleyball practice went long
and then my phone died.

I want to kiss you,
but I have surgery breath.

Aw! Just make sure you're
back in kissing shape

in time for us
to go to camp together.

Why do I keep smelling
strawberries?

What did they do to me?

It's the milkshake
I brought you.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, and look.

I usually wait till you're
not looking, then I look.

- The scarf you gave me, you dog!
- Oh.

Actually,
now's a good time to look

'cause I kinda see four of them.

I got a couple pills in me.
[ Giggles ]

All: [ Chanting ]
Ditch day. Ditch day. Ditch day.

Ditch...

Wow. 15 minutes.

When you didn't stop
while we were getting gas,

I thought it might
just go on forever.

Sweet Myrna Loy!

Phil: Wow.

Haley: Dad, you know it's not

a movie called
"Demolition Notice," right?

Phil: I built this theater
with these two hands...

Plus the 28 hands of
14 other guys.

- You... built this.
- Renovated it.

Before I got into real estate,
I worked construction.

You... worked construction.

Yeah, stop staying it like that.

I put 10 months of my life
into this place.

I'd love to look around
one last time

before they tear
the old girl down.

- Wow.
- Oh, well, sucks to be getting old.

You know what? We're bustin' in.

How?
Smash a window with a brick?

[ Chuckles ]

I had something a little more
elegant in mind.

I think you forget that
I gave birth to this building.

I know her strengths...

And... her weaknesses.

[ Door rattling ]

Did you see a brick?

So I walked into
to dad's office,

and he is holding
a picture of me,

looking at it
with tears welling in his eyes.

Oh, dad was never that emotional
when were were growing up.

I know. That's what makes
this whole thing so hard!

Maybe Lily
hasn't learned empathy

because she hasn't seen it
from me, you know?

Could we maybe
stay on my problem

until the bread comes?

I'm sorry. It sounded like
you were done. Sorry.

So, the way I left things
with the hotel company

is that I need a little more
time to decide, but honestly,

I think I'm gonna tell 'em no.

I mean, how could I leave dad
after what I saw?

It's just... it's heartbreaking.
[ Sighs ]

Oh, I could cry.

- Thank you.
- Maybe if Lily saw me cry,

she would see that it's okay
to be that way,

especially coming from me,
her stoic dad who never cries.

Oh, come on,
you had to be done that time.

You know what? You're right.
Let's do you.

Your problem is
bigger than mine anyway,

'cause if your plan is to cry
in front of Lily...

[ Whispers ] Forget it.

You're too emotionally
constipated.

You know, I-i know
you're joking, Claire,

but sometimes...
Sometimes words hurt, you know?

And to think that
my own sister...

[ Voice breaks ] My own sister
would accuse me of...

[ normal voice ] Oh, screw it.

I'll just work up some tears
with a sad movie. It's fine.

- Mom?
- Ah! You're awake.

How you feeling?

Aw. You bought me a balloon.

What? And a Teddy bear.

When did you buy all this stuff?

Uh... When...
When you were asleep

and I got you
a strawberry milkshake.

Mom, you're the best.

He couldn't remember a thing.

All I had to do was to get him
past the 5:00 deadline

so that he couldn't go
on that trip with Kylie.

I know what happens at camp.
I've seen "Meatballs."

I still can't believe
Kylie flaked on me.

I thought she really liked me.

I guess not.

Time for more pills, baby.

Really? I'm already so loopy.

We have to get ahead
of the pain.

Maybe she texted me.
Have you seen my phone?

Is it over there?

I don't see it.

What are you doing?

Eh... Hugging!

You're so sweet.

But I don't think these pills
are really doing anything.

[ Grunts ]

Does this place look familiar?

Alex: Oh, yeah. This is where
we were all murdered.

No, silly. This is where you
girls saw your first movie.

Halfway through
"Hare-abian Nights,"

I looked over, and your little
heads were pressed together

like the cutest teepee ever.

And where was I during
all of this family fun?

Buddy, the three of us
were having a girls' day.

You get it.

This way.
Over here by the screen.

[ Wheels squeak ]

So...

[ Grunts ]

While I was still building
this place,

I snuck back here with you guys
after work one day, and...

Check it out.

Aw, dad! Are those our feet?

Look at how tiny!

Where's my footprints?

Um... I guess that's you.
Anyway...

That looks like a baby head.

I was struggling with these two.
You were all squirmy.

I'm not gonna apologize
over and over.

Come on, let's grab this thing.

Grab what, the cement?

This place is gonna
be rubble in a few days.

I want a memento.

- Let's do it!
- All right, well, this seems more like boys' work,

so you guys take your time
on that, okay?

Super fun adventure!

Okay,
so that's at least an hour.

There's a mall
across the street.

I'm calling a car
and going to school.

Caltech needs
my roommate selection by...

Whoa. What's your problem?

What's yours? You're just gonna
leave without telling dad?

You were just about to
take me to a mall.

Okay, if you can't
see the difference...

Look, I'm sorry
I've got better things to do

than go shop or sit in some
creepy old movie theater

where we used to watch cartoons.

I get it.
You're beyond all of us now.

Go pick out your playmates
at nerd academy.

[ Scoffs ] Fine.

I'll just pick out
my roommate here then.

Sorry I'm so excited
about college.

Apology not accepted.

I wasn't actually apologizing,
so...

Phil: Found the light!

[ Plug thuds ]
Luke: Found the chisel!

Phil: Ow! Found the broom.

[ Objects clatter ]
[ Haley and Alex giggle ]

[ Sentimental music playing on TV ]
[ Crying ] No, no.

Mitchell? What's wrong?

I feel like Lily's inability
to show feelings

- for other people might be my fault.
- Oh, honey.

I think that, too,
but just take comfort in knowing

you got there on your own.

I'm watching
"The Bridges of Madison County"

because it's the only thing
that makes me cry. [ Sniffles ]

When she gets home,

I'm going to turn this off
and pretend I was reading this.

"Typhoon flattens orphanage"?

Yeah, that's sad, right?

Now... now get out of here,
because she's going to be home

any second, and
I'm trying to stay sad.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just to clarify,

the only thing
that makes you cry...

[ Movie stops ]
That truly resonates with you

on a deep, emotional level
is a film about someone...

[ Voice breaks ] who's trapped
in a loveless marriage?

Okay, Cam, please go.

I'm starting not to feel
anything.

Do you know how hurtful
that is? [ Cries ]

Lily: I'm home!
[ Door closes in distance ]

And now I'm not crying. Great.
[ Crying ]

Hey, sweetie.
Hi. How was your day?

Better than hers.
What's wrong now?

Daddy's just having a moment.

He's always having a moment.

[ Gasps ] Oh, wait. Oh, my gosh.
I-i just realized something.

What, that our marriage bed is
a 1,200 thread-count charade?

No, maybe this isn't my fault.

Maybe Lily can't show empathy
because you're always crying.

- Oh, so it's my fault?
- Yes.

You've totally desensitized her
to normal emotions.

- That's not true!
- And now you wanna cry,

because she won't cry
because you're always crying.

[ Voice breaks ] And you would
only know that

because you do love me!

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Yeah.

Hey!

Hi, honey. What's up?

Well, I just wanted
to let you know

I turned down
that hotel job offer.

How come?

Some things are just
more important than money,

and for me
that includes my fam...

[ buzzing ] Man, that smarts.

What are you doing?

Just trimming the hedges.

I saw a low-angle photo of me
the other day.

I looked like a snorted a rabbi.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

And... and... and you're using
a picture of me as your mirror?

[ Laughs ] Oh, it is you!

Mm. [ Clippers buzz ]

Hey, is that my phone?

Ah, yes!

I found it
while you were asleep.

Um, let me put it back in
your bedroom until you wake up.

Oh, Kylie texted me.

She sent me a photo
of me and her.

Sitting right here.

Oh, maybe she sneak in

while I was getting you
all those nice stuff.

But you're behind me,

staring at us with
a terrible look on your face.

Oh, that's impossible.
I never take a bad picture.

Are you trying to sabotage
my relationship with Kylie?

[ Sighs ]

Her clothes are too tight,
her heels are too high,

she's so loud, and...

And I hate how she smothers you!

[ Chuckles ] Oh, my god.
You're describing yourself.

No! My clothes are not that...

My heels are...

I am not... loud.

I'm dating my mother!

Ugh. Oh, gross.

Excuse me?

I used to like her,
but now it's ruined.

Please. There are worse things
than dating your own mother.

- Like what?
- You know what?

I don't like this attitude,

and I am sure that Kylie
won't like it either.

Maybe you do need somebody
like her to keep you in line

while I am not around.

What are you doing?

I am sending your application
to Drama Camp.

We still have two minutes.

Mom, don't you dare.

[ Groans ]

Okay, name, age...

Street name?
Like you're in a gang?

I don't want to go to camp
with Kylie now!

It's disgusting!
[ Cell phone alert chimes ]

Oh, look.

We got another text from Ky...
Ay, ay, ay.

She sent a picture of her
in a bikini!

She did?

You... you can just go ahead
and hit "send."

No. You're not going to go
to camp with a girl like that.

Oh, my god. Mom, you're crazy!

Yes. No. Yes. No.

You hate
every single girl I like.

You have to start letting me
make my own decisions,

or everything everybody says
about me is true...

I'm a giant mama's boy.

Do they really call you that?

Yes. Now is that what you want?

Okay, fine.

If you want to go, go.
[ Taps key ]

Thank you.

I have that same bikini.

Phil: Okay, we're gonna need
a crow bar or something

to lift this thing.

You look back there,
and I'll check these shelves.

[ Ladder rattles ]

Hmm. Anything up there?

Not a thing, buddy.

[ Alex and Haley giggle ]
Phil: I feel like I saw some sort of a...

Are they aware...?

Not a chance.

Luke: Maybe we can use this
broom handle to pry it loose.

No, that won't work. Oh, no.
[ Bucket clatters ]

[ Strained voice ] Yes, it will.
[ Crack, clatter ]

[ Giggles ] Phil: Come on!

[ Bucket thuds ]

That was close.

[ Groans ]

[ Alex and Haley laughing ]
[ Clatter ]

Sorry I was a jerk earlier.

Phil: Come on!

I'm actually having a lot of fun

watching cartoons
with you again.

Ah, it was my fault.
I'm just a little...

[ Phil speaking indistinctly ]

Are you ever gonna call me?

What?

It's just something I've... I've
been wondering about, you know.

Like, we live together,
so you don't have to call me,

and once you're off
at brainy school,

surrounded by a bunch of
brainy brains... [ giggles ]

Are we gonna be friends?

What are you talking about?
You're my sister.

Oh, right. Yeah, sisters.

Like, we're obligated to
see each other on Thanksgiving,

Christmas...
[ Objects thud and clatter ]

- Luke's funeral.
- Luke: I'm fine!

[ Scoffs ] [ Metal clinks ]

Uh-oh. "Uh-oh" what?

[ Water squirts ] Nothing.

What did you do?

I was following your orders.

I'm surprised you didn't ask me
to stand on top

and saw around myself
in a circle.

Why do we even need
this stupid thing?

Because they're tearing down
the only thing I've ever built.

Just stand there.
We can still do this.

Yeah, it's great being
a real estate agent...

My face is on billboards
and pens.

I have a balloon budget.

But none of it ever lasts.
Once this place is gone,

they're won't be anything I can
point to and say, "I made that."

Uh-oh. [ Water squirting ]

What did you do?
What does it look like?!

I sprung a leak!

[ Haley and Alex laugh ]

Phil: There's gotta be
a water shut-off!

Haley... [ Creaking ]

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry
if I've been acting like

I didn't wanna hang out
with you lately.

Or... ever.

Don't worry about it.

I'm not worried.

We'll probably be even closer

once we're not actually
caged in together.

I'll be calling you
all the time. [ Scoffs ]

Think about it... I'm about to
live on a campus full of Alexes.

That's bound to get annoying.

And when it does, who better to
deal with an Alex than you?

I made that.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

- Just got off the phone with Dan Signer.
- Who?

- He's one of the big mucks at the Grand Royal Hotels.
- Oh.

They're thinking about
dropping our account.

Something about you
turning down the job offer.

- Well...
- And then accepting it,

and then turning it down,
and then accepting it again.

Why are you jerking him around?

You're worse than Claudia.

- Who's Claudia?
- Janice's ex-girlfriend.

She strung her along
for eight years,

now they're in a custody battle
over two Labradors.

Am I the only one
that got stuck in the break room

with her today?

Okay, dad, look. If it'll help,

I'll call the hotel people and
I'll straighten all this out.

I don't think more calls
from you is the answer,

and by the way,

I don't think you're gonna get
that job anymore.

Fine! I don't care!
I don't care!

I never wanted that job
in the first place!

Well, then why did you tell me
about it in the first place?

Because I wanted you to tell me
not to take the job

because I'm your daughter!

You know,
the thing behind the mirror

that you... trim
your nose hairs with?

Don't you even care
if I stay or go?

Of course I do.

Well, you don't show it.

Well, maybe because I didn't
want that to be a factor.

It would kill me if I thought
that what I felt

would hold you back from getting
something that you wanted.

But trust me,
when I saw that job offer,

my heart almost fell
out of my chest.

I love us working together!

Thanks. Okay, then.

"Okay, then"?

I pour my heart out,
and that's all I get?

One time my dad said,
"nice game, kid."

I had eye black streaming down
my cheeks,

but all I get is, "okay, then"?

I mean, I-i probably don't
say it as much as I should,

but I'm proud of you, kid.

Got it.

- Jay?
- Hey, Dan!

Gee, I didn't think
you'd show up in person.

Claire, this is the big cheese,
Dan Signer.

Hi, Mr. Signer.
Such a pleasure to meet you.

I'm so sorry about all
that back and forth today.

Hey, I'll handle it from here.

Dan, we love
doing business with you,

but I gotta put my foot down
when it comes to Claire.

This is
my little baby girl here.

The best part of my day is
having a coffee with her

in the break room,
and it wasn't that long ago

that she was sitting at
the breakfast table

eating heart-shaped waffles
that I made for her.

- I tell ya, it puts a lump in your throat.
- Mm.

Anyway, uh,

I don't know how I got to be
the luckiest S.O.B. alive...

[ Inhales sharply ]
but if I have

just even a few grains left
in that hourglass...

[ Grunts ]
I'm gonna be spending it with...

[ Sighs ] Wow.

I almost just called her
by her childhood nickname there.

[ Laughs ] Mnh-mnh.

Ah, what the hell?

My little Bunny Foo-Foo.

[ Crying ] - Oh, no.
- Let me walk you out, Dan.

- Bunny!
- Thanks for coming.

Bunny!

[ Claire crying ]
Who's Dan Signer?

I thought we were grabbing
a beer at the club.

Just keep walking, Mel.

- Okay.
- Uh, Lily, are you busy?

Depends.

Well, we wanted to have
a little talk about feelings.

Oh, actually, I have this
project due tomorrow...

Okay, honey. No, no.
It's okay. It's okay.

Let's just sit down.

Listen, we just wanted to ask
if you think I cry too much.

And you can be honest.

I don't want to answer
'cause you might cry.

- Yeah, well... [ Voice breaks ]
- Oh! She cares about my feelings!

Okay, Lily, we think that maybe
you don't get emotional

because daddy gets, you know,
so emotional

because he kind of handles

- the emotions for the entire house, you know?
- I do.

- Possibly the entire block.
- Okay.

- I just...
- And maybe that's why you don't feel anything.

I feel stuff.

Really? Because when we were
sick a few weeks ago,

you didn't seem to care.

I didn't care.

- Well, she's not a liar. We did something right.
- Mm-hmm.

Don't you think you should have
cared a little bit?

Why? You always get better.

Well... so far.

What do you mean, "so far"?

Um... Well, uh...

Like someday, you're not
gonna get better?

Like you're gonna die?

No! No, no, no, no. Not...
Not for a very, very long time.

Then why are we talking
about it now?

Well, hey, you brought it up.

I just wanted to
make sure that...

Stop! You're making me sad!

Okay, well, she has feelings.

Well, yes, and it seems that
she wants to keep us alive.

So all in all,
a good day of parenting.

Lily: I don't want to live
with Aunt Claire!

- Oh.
- Lily!

Gloria: Parents make so many
mistakes with their children...

I've alive, sweetheart.

But what about daddy?

I'm alive, too.

Come here. Come on, sweetheart.

Gloria: But it's only because
we're trying so hard

to make them happy.

Not her. Not her. Oh, my god.

You're gonna be the cutest girl
at this whole school.

Wait, these are girls, right?

[ Alex and Haley giggle ]

Gloria: Trying so hard
to keep them close...

You could knock.

Gloria:
Even though we know we can't.

I know someday I'm gonna
lose you to another woman,

and I'll find a way
to be okay with it.

Thanks, Kylie.

But not today.

So I walk into his office.

He's looking at a picture of me
and he's crying.

- Your dad?
- Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.

This is why I'm glad I show my
emotions in front of the girls.

I think that's the reason
they're feeling...

Phil, could we at least
stay on my story

until the oven preheats?

- Sorry. I thought you were finished.
- No.

Okay, so anyway,
I went back later,

and it turns out
he wasn't crying,

he was plucking his nose hairs.

I didn't expect that.

Yeah, me neither.

To walk into that theater
and see their cute little heads

together after they'd been
fighting all afternoon. [ Knife thuds ]

[ Sighs ] Come on. You had
to have been done that time.

No. Is it me? [ Knife clatters ]

Is it the way
that I tell stories?

Am I so boring or is everyone in
this family that self-involved?

As I was saying...

her name is Elena and
she's from North Carolina.

That's my roommate.

Now I'm done.