Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 18 - Spring Break - full transcript

Hayley gets Alex drunk at a concert, Phil becomes jealous of Luke's increasing abilities, Cam gets in trouble over a song at a talent show, and Mitchell and Jay try to go behind their spouses' backs.

You're still on that thing?

What are you constantly
looking at on your computer?

Is that a question you really
want people asking around here?

Indeed, it is not.

I'm just checking
college acceptances.

I mean, they should be
posting them any day.

You cannot spend
your entire spring break

worrying about
college admissions.

You should go to that-- that
music festival thing with Haley.

Do something fun.
Learn to relax a--

Do we have to keep every remote
we have ever owned?

Somewhere in a landfill,
a laserdisc just ejected.

Uh, I can't bring Alex
to the festival

because I am going for work
to research new fashion trends.

I need to blend in, you know?

Everyone will think
she's a cop.

Well, I could sit here
and worry and ruin my day,

or I could go with Haley
and ruin hers.

I'll grab my sunscreen.

- Good morning.
- Hey, dad.

I hate to shame you,
but Haley woke up before you.

Well, Haley didn't run
a 10k yesterday

to raise awareness
for alopecia.

What's alopecia?

That is why I run.

Honey, I could
really use your help

with spring cleaning today.

I got to get all these boxes
down to the donation center.

Wish I could,
but I've got work.

Then Luke and I have got some
important trampolining to do.

I just love how equally
we divide our responsibilities.

Figured we'd do a little
father/son bonding

since your school trip
was canceled.

Oh. You can teach me
the Dunphy Tuck.

I love your enthusiasm, son,
but it's way too dangerous.

One wrong move,
and you're eating springs.

Oh, no, no, those are--

- Is that my banjo?
- Hmm?

When I met this little lady
sitting next to me,

it was love at first sight.

Yep, I've been noodling around
on the ol' flyswatter

for a couple of years now.

I was inspired by the greats--
Scruggs, Kermit.

It's hard to practice, though,

because it gets Claire
so hot and bothered.

♪ what do you-- ♪

I think I've heard enough.

Lucky for you, I've got time

for a couple verses
of "Shortnin' Bread."

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, it's in the box.
It's leaving the house.

I-I can never hear
that awful thing again.

- But you called me "Banjovi."
- I know.

I did whatever was necessary
to make it stop.

Wait. Does that mean you also
didn't like my bagpiping?

Is that why we have Luke?!

It's not.

Is it?

Sync and corrections by n17t01

Ay, Cam, no dessert for you?

No, none for me.

I have to fit into
a skintight cat costume tonight

because I'm gonna--

Whatever you do
behind closed doors

is your own business.

Because I'm singing "Memory"
at the Faculty Follies.

It's a fundraiser

where the teachers
do a little talent show.

Ay, maybe I come see you.

I need to find
something to watch

since I had to give up
my soap operas.

Oh, because you've been
neglecting Joe?

No, it's because I asked Jay
to stop smoking cigars,

and he said that he would quit

if I stopped watching
the soap operas.

But it's very hard.

What's so damn hard?

It's the same thing
every week--

amnesia, evil twins,

two ladies end up fighting
in a fountain.

I mean, what is it?
Is it some sort of an escape?

It's better than blowing
smoke in our baby's face.

Where did he go, anyways?

Oh, there's an e-mail
from Lily's scout camp.

- I hope everything's okay.
- She's fine.

Mitchell's nervous
because he's not a camper.

His idea of roughing it
is a hotel stay

where the cable
doesn't get Bravo.

They should tell you that
when you check in.

Oh, boy.
Okay, here's a photo, look.

- She's using the signal.
- What signal?

The kids aren't allowed
to call their parents,

but the camp sends out photos,
so we have a code.

Yeah, "we."

One finger, she's fine.
Two fingers, she's unhappy.

Look at this--
two fingers.

I don't look at pictures
on a phone.

If it's a good shot,
get a print, put it in an album.

Interesting time
to take a stand.

But she looks
like she's just doing

the bunny ears
behind her girlfriend.

Which is exactly
what she would do

to get a secret signal
past the authorities.

Okay, it's a scout camp,
not Leavenworth.

She's smiling.
What are you worried about?

Because it's her first time
away from home. It--

You know what?
That's probably it.

I'm just--
I'm stressing out, so--

You know, I'm-- I'm gonna
go to the office

and pick up some paperwork.

You know what?
I'm gonna tag along with you.

You can drop me off
at the club.

I'm not really going
to the office.

Don't care.
Need a cigar.

Based off the walk I just took,

side-boob is
the new butt crack.

So, you want
to head down front?


Okay, you need to drink this.

I'll get a new one.

Uh, is there vodka in here?

If there is, it's not
doing anybody any good

until I get it in there.

Michelangelo talked
about chiseling

beautiful sculptures
out of marble.

Well, my chisel
is a Long Island iced tea,

and I use it to free the party
girl from the block of nerd.



Not all my sculptures
are masterpieces.


I'm ho--

Oh, amazing!

Honey, were you listening?
Isn't he good?

- Really good.
- Yeah.

Really good.

I-- I thought
you didn't like the banjo.

I didn't think I did, either,

but there's just something
about the way he plays.

It's so...
It's so musical.


So, what's this,
a surprise for old dad?

You been secretly taking lessons
for months, probably longer?

Nope. I just started
messing around with it today.

And you learned a whole song.

Actually, he learned two!
Play him the other one.

I'm good, thanks.

Are those my shoes?

I found them
in the box of donations.

They fit him perfectly.

If anything,
they're a little snug.

Well, he can kick them off,

'cause we are about to do
some trampolining.

Time to learn the Dunphy Tuck.

I thought you said
he could get hurt doing that.

It's impossible
to be safe all the time.

You can get hurt just
walking into your own house.

Okay, I'm gonna
go hang my costume up

in my dressing room
and start warming up my voice.

Dressing room? Ay, show me.

I can't. It's the handicapped
stall in the men's room.

But tonight
is not about Cameron Tucker.

It's about the kids.

♪ me-me-me-me-me-me ♪

Coach Tucker.

Señor Kaplan.

Oh. What is that,
a caveman costume?

No, I just signed up
to sing "Memory" from "Cats."

Although I hope I'm not on
after the "Grease" chorus.

They're a tough act to follow.


But that is your song.

- "Memory"? But that was his song.
- Two cat costumes?

Well, we can't both
sing the same song.

I mean, that would make
a mockery of the Follies.

Oh, well, I sang last year.

Please, I insist--
you sing.

- He gave up his song.
- That was his song last year.

Fate will smile upon him.

You would do that for me?

This is literally
the nicest gesture

I have ever witnessed--

and I'm from Canada.

I don't like this.

This is just like
when Rosalba and Marisol

found out that they were
married to the same man.

Marisol backed down,

but she was found dead
two days later.

Okay, Gloria,
I think there's a chance

you're trying to turn
a very normal situation

into one of your soap operas.

Okay, but imagine--

a standing ovation for you
will crush him!

You know what?

I'll only look better
if I take the high road--

you know, help out backstage,
let him have his moment.

Oh, my goodness!

The move you're about to see
was first developed

by my great-great-great-
grandfather Razvan Dunphy,

but, really, it's as old
as man's quest to fly.

It's just a flip
with a twist, right?

There's a lot more going on,

but you won't be able
to absorb it

the first time you see it.

Eins... zwei... drei--

No good. Okay.

Oh. You were right.
I totally missed it.

I'm glad that happened.
I'm actually glad that happened.

It's a good reminder--
the Dunphy Tuck demands respect.

This... time... for...


Jim McKay, that hurts!

I'm gonna...
just adjust these springs.

They feel fine to me.

I'm sure they do.

You don't have the foot
sensitivity of a tramp champ.

If I ever
had to read braille, I'd--

Oh, my God!
I think I did it!

Did I do it?

Almost. Yeah.

Your-- your form was
a little off.

Really? It felt perfect.
I'll try one more time.

I'm not sure
that's such a good idea.

You might cement in
some bad... habits.

I did it again!

I'm gonna get you some water.

You seem lightheaded
and delusional.


Oh, honey.
You look exhausted.

Well, I am not.
I am as strong as ever.

Certainly the strongest person
in the house.

Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?

Sort of a poor man's version
of it.

Wow. He added
a whole new twist.

It's called over-rotation.
Look into it.

I was so caught up
in my spring cleaning,

it took me a while to see that
Phil was feeling inadequate.

I knew what I needed to do.

When you guys
are done out there,

do you think
you could give Luke my list?

I have some chores on here
that require some muscle.

Maybe I should
take care of that.


No, no,
I-I-I can handle it.

Luke's pretty busy out there
not pointing his toes.

So he's all like, "Get a life,"

and I'm like,
"No, thanks. Got nine."

I mean, 'cause...

Sorry to interrupt, but I just
took a break from painting.

Wanted to come over,
bring you some tea

and tell you to break a paw.

He almost broke his head.

Yes, I know,
and I feel horrible about that.

I-I hope you know

I would never intentionally
do anything to harm--

Oh! My throat!

It burns!

- He made the tea too hot!
- Not on purpose!

Oh! Oh!

He tripped on one of
Coach Tucker's paint cans.

I don't remember
leaving that there!

Oh, look at me.
I can't command a stage.

You-- you have to
take my place.

We'll wheel you out onto stage.

Oh, come on--
we both know

this song requires
catlike movements.

Someone get this man
into fur and makeup!

- What are you doing?!
- Last item on the list--

- move the table.
- No. You should not be doing that alone.

Really? 'Cause I got
the fridge out to the curb.

- How?
- Drug it.

Stand back.
I'm turtling her.

No, you're gonna
get hurt, sweetie.

- Let me get Luke. Luke!
- No, no, no!

I don't need his help!
Let him play his precious banjo!

It was like
the banjo was mocking me.

♪ you are not the man
you used to be ♪

♪ you get up four times at night
to pee ♪

♪ ba-da-dum ba bat da
doot doot doo ♪

♪ you're super-duper old now ♪

Hey! Take five.

I don't know that one.

Give me a couple minutes.
I'll figure it out.

It's a little hard to get
things done with all the noise.

What's that?

Uh... nothing.

Is that...

a bra?

You're not supposed to
have girls up here.

I can explain.

You don't have to!

You think you're an adult,
but you're not.

You're a kid
living under my roof,

and you have to obey my rules!

The "G" string snapped!

Probably not the first time
that's happened in here.

No! It hit my eye!

Is it bleeding?

First of all,
eyes can't bleed, so--

Sammy Davis Jr.,
that's bad!


Oh. Hi.

I'm looking for my sister.

She has brown hair,

dressed like a nerd,
but not ironically.

Hang on!


Haley, are you with Alex?
She's not answering her phone.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

We're just a tiny bit
separated right now,

but, uh, she's been acting
a little strange.

Oh, no.
What do you mean?

Um, I-- well,
I-I'd say she's been, um...

a bit distant.

Oh, no.

Mom, don't freak out.

No, I was worried about this
when you two left this morning.

Oh, okay, so she was being
a little uptight.

Come on!
Open up, you stupid thing!

Okay, fine!
She was a total buzzkill, okay!

I just wanted relax her.

Damn it.

I know, I know--
it was a mistake.

But it's not like
I poured it down her throat!

She didn't get into Harvard.

Oh, thank God!

That's why
she's been acting so weird.

Wait. What do you mean, you
didn't pour it down her throat?

Did you get her drunk?

Hey, you hacked her computer!

Is that her?

Uh, I just found her.

I'll have her call you.

Take me to my sister!

Oh. Oh, hi.



All right, Lily's camp is
just through those trees.

- I'll be back soon.
- Take your time.

I got a couple of Robustos
to keep me company.

Um, what's up with the outfit?

It's to keep the smoke off me
so Gloria won't smell it.

That's insane.

Yep, I've lost my mind.

Have fun breaking your daughter
out of sleepaway camp.

Oh, of course
you wouldn't understand.


Um... you forgot?

I forgot I shouldn't ask "Why"
to things.

I was 9 years old, at camp.

There were mosquitos,
compost toilets, mean kids.

It was theater camp, wasn't it?

you remember that part.

T-the point is,
I hated it.

I was-- I was cold,
and I was scared,

especially after this kid told
this terrifying ghost story,

so I snuck away to a pay phone,
I called you, crying,

and, in a performance
even more predictable

than Todd Jansen's
Artful Dodger,

you refused to pick me up.

For your own good.

Learning to fend for yourself

is an important part
of becoming a man.

Before you claim
that all my professional success

stems from
your very, very brave decision

to stay at home on the couch
watching "The Bionic Woman,"

I am going to go get Lily

so that she knows
she can always count on me.

I'm fine. It's fine.

If that's your idea
of a dramatic exit,

it's no wonder
Todd Jansen got that part.

So, the doctor will see you
in a few minutes.

Nice someone can see.

Glad to know
your good eye can still roll.

So, still angry, huh?

Gee, why would I be angry?

Because you insulted me,
maimed me, and belittled

my achievements in the banjonic
and trampolinic arts?

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm not proud
of my behavior today.

It probably started
with the 5k I ran yesterday.


For everyone else.

It was the first time
in 15 years I couldn't finish.

Then, today, it's everything
I can do, you can do better.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

It's okay.
It's not your fault.

Every dad
goes through it--

the day he starts
seeing his son as a man

and not a boy.

It's a shock.

Like when we first got
high-def TV

and I realized
Ed Bradley had an earring.

I'm not as much of a man
as you think, dad.

Oh, really?

How come an hour ago,

I had a 16-year-old girl's bra
in my hand?

Can we talk
somewhere more private?


The bra belongs to me.


That's not the conversation
I thought we'd be having,

but... if that's what you need
on the outside

to feel like the Luke you are
on the inside--


It's to practice on.

I stink at unhooking them.

Last week, I tried to take one
off a girl at a party.

I fumbled for so long,
she started to laugh.

It still haunts me.

That's why
I didn't go away this week.

My trip wasn't canceled.

Everyone found out and--

I get it--
you couldn't face them.

Listen, I know
this part of your life

may not be moving
fast enough for you,

but enjoy it while it lasts.

Someday, your life's gonna be
moving faster than you want,

and you could wind up
doing something dumb,

like blinding your son.

- I'm blind?!
- Probably not.

Luke Dunphy?

I know I'm getting a little old
for this place, but...

I do like coming here.

Oh, Lukey!

You hurt your eye.

Do you need a hug?

A big one.

Come here.

Alex, stop!

I have been chasing you
for, like, an hour!

- Where are you going?!
- Uh--

This guy Weasel said he knows

of some hot springs
in the hills.

We were just gonna go
try and find them.

Oh, okay. So, we'll see you
in, like, what, 10 years,

when you spoon-tunnel your way
out of Weasel's basement?

I know about Harvard.


Mom saw on your computer.

And of course she told you,

because privacy
doesn't mean anything.

Why do things the right way?

- Alex, I r--
- No! What's the point?

Get straight A's for 10 years,

spend your summers
building houses,

drag your cello to school
every day,

write the perfect essay,
and for what?!

"No, thank you, Alex!"

"We don't want you,

Okay, you are drawing
more attention to yourself

than the guy
wearing a ferret as a scarf.

I don't care anymore!

I've spent my entire life
trying to be perfect,

and where did it get me?

I am in a field
with 6,000 idiots!

Know what? I think that this is
a good thing for you.

- Can you just spare me today?
- No.

You're obviously
going to get into

one of those snooty schools,

and sometimes
you're gonna come in second...

or fourth, or maybe even tenth.

But you're gonna
dust yourself off,

maybe put on some lipstick
for once, and keep going.

I'm allowed to feel bad
about this, okay?

Look, you are a superstar!

I've been saying
since you were 10

you're gonna be
on the supreme court.


But for the record,
I'm gonna be a scientist.

Lab coat, robe--

as long as something's
covering up your outfit,

you're gonna be just fine.

I... don't want to talk about it.

I had killed with that song
at three amateur productions,

two gay weddings, and a two-hour
gate hold on a 747,

but I could tell
the audience thought

that I had sabotaged Kaplan
to grab the spotlight,

and my confidence caught in my
throat like a three-day furball.

I couldn't
have stunk up the place worse

if I'd performed
in a litter box.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Bravo, Cameron.

Can't talk!
I'll be in my stall!

So, now
everybody hates Cameron.

Okay, look,
I can't sing "Memory."

It's too much song for me.

So when I found out
that Coach Tucker

wanted to sing it, as well,
I had my out--

until he nobly stepped aside.

Luckily, the sandbag fell,
everyone blamed him,

and I just saw my opening.

I put the paint cans
on the floor

and pretended
that the tea scalded me.

But to see him crash and burn
on stage, that...

It doesn't get better than that.

Oh, it's about to,

because I turned
your microphone on,

and everybody there
is listening

to everything
that you just said!

No. No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.

You monster!

Aah! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Ooh!

And with no commercials!

Ooh! Ooh!

The worst thing about the woods

is you never know
what you're gonna run into--

a bear, a hunter who doesn't
take kindly to city folk,

or worse...

I can't wait.
I love s'mores.

...your daughter, as happy
as you've ever seen her.

The only thing to do
was to sneak back to the car

and think of a lie
to tell my dad along the way.

What was that?!

I don't know,
but let's hit it with a shovel.

And stab it
with our marshmallow sticks!


No! No, no, no, no!
I-I'm Lily's dad.

I'm Lily--
Hi. She's mine.

What are you doing here?

Okay, I-I thought
you gave me the signal.

No! Go away.

You're embarrassing me
in front of 8-year-olds.


I just finished
telling the girls a ghost story.

It was so scary.

Do you know any?

I do know one
from my own camp days,

but it's probably
too scary for you, s--

- Tell us now!
- Okay, okay.

It's really scary.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

This better be good.

Um... well...

it takes place
at a camp a lot like this one,

where just beyond the woods,
there was a black lake.

And just beyond the lake,
there was a prison.

This isn't scary.

it was a haunted pr--

it was a haunted prison.

Now, on this one night,
the night of the full moon,

what they call
the blood moon...


Okay, what was at this prison
was a-- was a ghost--

the ghost of an old man
with glowing red eyes,

who breathed fire!

I'm bored.
Can we go to sleep early?

I think you're forgetting
about the blood moon.

What's that?!

Glowing eyes!

It's the ghost!

- It's the ghost!
- No! Oh!


Thanks for that.
Bedtime should be a treat.

Well, I guess
you finally rescued me at camp.

Better late than never.

By the way, I should've come by

and picked you up from camp.

That, uh,
"tough it out" stuff--

that was my dad talking.

He threw me in a lake once
I was afraid of.

Did I ever tell you
about that story?

Yeah, yeah,
we've all heard that story.

Now, don't feel too bad.

I was completely wrong
about Lily.

I almost rescued her from having
the time of her life.

Oh, that's the way of things.

Things work out,
and someday, you'll be able

to see her be completely wrong
about her kids.

It's fun.

Oh. Okay.

Want a cigar?

No. No, thank you.

You know, I-- I once stole
one of those when I was a kid.

Made me completely dizzy.

I don't remember
the rest of the night.

Aren't you going to
that Faculty Follies after this?

Give me one of those.

Huh. I thought
there was a step there.

Oh, yeah, you'll get
your depth perception back

once you get the bandages off.

Careful in the middle, there.
I still haven't a chance to--

I know.

I thought you were Alex.

She didn't get in.

Oh, no!

Stupid Harvard.

"Stupid Harvard"?

She didn't get into
Princeton, either?

No, just Harvard.

I thought
that this might soften the blow.

And I made her
her favorite dinner.

You're such a good mom.

There she is!

Hi. I heard.

I'm so sorry.


Uh, thanks, mom,

but Haley already made me feel
a little better about it.

I just don't really feel
like talking right now.

I kind of just want to change
my password and get into bed.


She just needs a little bit
of time to work through it.



The kids are growing up.

Guess they don't need us
as much anymore.

Oh, well, that was the plan.

I just thought it would
feel better than this.

Me too.

At least
we still need each other.

How'd I get so lucky...

- Okay.
- Still got it!

Sync and corrections by n17t01