Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 19 - Grill, Interrupted - full transcript

Jay's birthday brings everyone together and Phil is beside himself over the super cool gift he got Jay, a high-tech outdoor grill. Claire and Mitch decide they will "offer" to pay back the money Jay loaned them ages ago as their gift not really thinking he will take them up on it, and Gloria teaches Manny and Luke a lesson about drinking, while Andy gets real awkward with Haley when she brings over her new doctor boyfriend.

Okay, Gloria, just make sure
Jay doesn't find out.

Oh. Boy.
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]
I just heard that.

You probably think
there's something

between me and Gloria.


I couldn't be more relaxed
if I was in a coma.

Jay's grill was delivered.

She's keeping it under wraps

so I can be there
when he sees it!

Alex: Oh, my god!

I just got accepted
into Caltech.

You did?!

That is incredible!

We're gonna have a famous
scientist in the family!

Uh, not that there's any shame
in learning a trade.

Air conditioners
are always gonna break.

Eh, I looked into it.
It's a lot of classes.

Honey, that is unbelievable.

It's hardly unbelievable.

Super-smart kid,
super-smart school.

I never doubted you.

That must feel great.

Yep. Pretty great.

What was that?

I think that was my fault.

Me too. Why?

[ Sighs ]
I do this all the time.

She does these amazing things,
and I'm so used to it,

I don't even make a big deal
over Caltech.

I got excited.
Doesn't that count?

Well, honey,
you get excited over everything.

You're a born cheerleader.

I just need to make a really big
fuss over Alex today.

That's all.

I know -- you're upset

because I said
that you were a born --

There's no such thing
as a born cheerleader.

It takes hard work
and sacrifice.

You know what a human pyramid is
without hours of training?


10 obituaries.

Hey, I think my dad
is really gonna enjoy

returning his gift this year.

[ Laughing ] Mitchell,
I have some really sad news.

Yes, you seem very broken up.

I had an uncle, uh, Cyrus,

who died and out of the blue
left me a pretty handsome sum.

I-I guess he didn't have
a lot of other kin.

Okay, this is the one time
I don't mind you saying "kin."

Now, when you say "handsome,"

are we talking
carpool dad at Lily's school

or are we in a more
Clooney/Pitt area?

Mm. I would say
more Harry Hamlin.

That's not bad at --

[ Chuckling ]
That's not bad at all.

You know, and this is crazy,
because, um, I just saw

that the upstairs unit
went back on the market,

and Harry Hamlin would almost
equal a down payment, and --

I'm -- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Look at me,
spending your money.

No, Mitchell, it's not my money.
It's our money.

I-is this a sign, Cam?

I mean, we talk about it
all the time.

We should buy
that upstairs apartment.

I don't see a reason why not!

This is so exciting.

I know.

I'm really proud of you,

because there was a time

when I wouldn't have
even seen this check.

Oh, well, yes. You know, I used
to be quite the impulse buyer.

But I don't even recognize
that guy anymore.

I love my new faux mink, daddy.

I forgot --
which Gabor sister am I?

Y-you're Eva, the classy one,
but listen.

We need to keep the tags on it,
because it's going back.

Well, then yours
is going back, too.

No, that's a hard thing,

because the saleslady said
I look like Dr. Zhivago.

So, is that
a birthday present for you

or an extremely late
mid-life crisis?

I don't think
"extremely" is necessary.

It's on loan -- kind of
a weekend-long test-drive.

Wow --
I walk into a store,

they make me leave my backpack
behind the counter.

It's an old
car salesman's trick.

They're hoping I fall in love
with it and never give it back.

But I can't justify buying it

any more than you can
justify that hat.

Little early for Tequila,
isn't it?

It's for Luke.

- Not sure that's better.
- The last time he was here,

he was eyeing this bottle
the same way you look at me

when I wear
that strappy sundress.

I do like that dress.

I am going to
catch him red-handed.

I am going to
teach him a lesson.

But first I'm going to
refill this with water

in case he gets past me.

You know, we have a little time
before the family comes.

Why don't you
throw that dress on and --

[ doorbell rings ]

Aw, damn it.

Andy, can you get that?



I tuned out
when you started flirting

to give you some privacy.

[ Breathes deeply ]

I was seeing Haley
for the first time

since she came to visit me
in the hospital.

She said
some pretty heavy stuff.

If I'm your elephant,
you have a shot.

That's what
I'm trying to say, dummy.

She didn't know I heard.

I tried for a couple weeks

to forget about it
and just go on with Beth,

but I couldn't stop thinking
about Haley.

So... today's the day I'm
finally gonna have the big talk.

There's a cooler of drinks
out back! Help yourselves!


Where's Haley?
Is she coming?

The last time Haley informed me
of her plans, she said,

"ha ha. I'm going to Cabo,
and you're not."

[ Chuckles ]
She's the best.

Get ready to see
the best gift ever.

Happy birthday!

It's a grill.
I got a grill.

You had a wife, too. Didn't mean
you couldn't trade up.

I give you the Flame XL.

My client owns the company.

He gave me
a crazy-good deal.
My client owns the company.

He gave me
a crazy-good deal.

25,000 wood propane BTUs.

That's... plenty, right?

Electric rotisserie!

If god wants a hamburger,
this is what she cooks it on.

But it's got all those doodads.

I don't know what to do
with those doodads.

You're doing a great job

of hiding your excitement
about this gift.

It's simplicity itself.

You just turn on the gas,
hit the electric starter.

[ Hissing, clicking ]

Hit the electric starter.

Phil, you might want
to lay off --


I'm fine.

Healthy as ever.

I'd know if you weren't,
'cause I just saw your skeleton.

Gloria: Okay, Joe.

[ Singsong voice ]
Time for a nap in your new bed!

- Looking for something?
- Aah!

Uh, yeah -- you.
[ Chuckles ]

I just wanted to say what
a nice party you put together.

The secret is to know
what your guests want,

and I know what you want.

Hey, Luke, quick lesson.

This is a coaster.
It prevents rings.

Thanks to you
and your Dr Pepper,

my teak end table upstairs
looks like the Olympic flag.

Think, Luke.

Yes. Think, Luke.

Did you get it?


Sweet Mexican treasure.

I was born in Florida,
but thank you.

So, you really think
you're gonna buy it?

I mean, it makes sense.

We're kind of cramped
where we are.

There she is --
our little genius.

She just got accepted
to Caltech.

- Oh, that's amazing!
- Mm-hmm.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's a huge deal!

That school pumps out
Nobel prize winners

the way my school
pumped out stomachs.

Enough, mom!

Uh... what was that about?

[ Sighs ]

I didn't make a big enough fuss
about her getting into Caltech,

and now she's making me pay.

Well, if that's her
giving you a hard time,

I think you got off pretty easy.

Well, that's true.

That one never really
went through a rebellious phase.

[ Chuckles ]
Remember how wild we were?

[ Chuckling ] Ohh!

Were we ever!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighing ] Ohh.

Were we ever?

Not really, no.

You had your summer
of the red Afro,

and I dated the whitest
puerto rican on earth.

- Oh, Wayne. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, but it's not like
we didn't separate

and strike out on our own.

- Yeah! That's right.
- Am I right? Huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Dad bought me my house.

Ours, too.

He loaned us the money
for the down payment.

We never paid him back.

I've always felt so guilty.

You know, he gave us
our down payment, too.

Are you sure that wasn't a gift?

Well, I never offered
to pay him back. I don't know.

And then he just gave me
this bonus at work.

Oy. What he must
think of me.

[ Sighs ]
It's so long ago now.

Well, still.

I feel like I should offer
to pay him back.

What -- no. N-no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, Claire.

Because then I'm gonna
have to pay him back,

and I'll be stuck
in the same shoe box

he bought me last time.

he's not going to accept it.

It's just a gesture.

We do it
so we feel more independent.

Just do it.

[ Sighs ]
Do it!

- Do what?
- Oh, nothing.

- You're busy.
- Not really.

Phil's tinkering
with the new grill,

so you better collect some
old photographs for the memorial.

- Oh.
- Do what?


Well, um, you probably
don't remember this.

But, uh, a while back,

you gave us some money
for a down payment.

Very generously,
I might add. Yes.

- And not just 'cause it's
your birthday... - That's right.

But we wanted
to at least make the offer

to pay... you... back.

Mitchell, what are you doing?
I can't cash this.

Now, dad, I --

You got to sign it first.

Okay, uh, in that case,

I'm gonna need
to get the pen back from --


- Got one right here.
- Oh. Okay.

Hey, you.

Oh. Hey.

I didn't expect
to see you here today.

How you feeling?

Better. Turns out you don't
even need an appendix.

I don't even miss it anymore.

It's like circuit city.

Anyway, I've been wanting
to talk to you about something.

This house is fantastic.

I should have gone into
the closet business.

[ Chuckles ] Right?

I'm giving him a tour.
Andy, this is Will.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

[ Cellphone rings ]

I'm sorry.
I have to take this.

It's the hospital.

He's a doctor.

I met him the same day I came
to visit you in the hospital.

Isn't that funny?

[ Laughs ]


So, wait. What did you want
to talk to me about?


Just that
this little heck-raiser

needs to take a nap,
but he's been fighting it.

Oh, I've got an idea.
Luke had the same problem.

[ Yawns ]
I'm so tired.

Let's go to bed.

Both of us?


Together? Me too?

Yes, because we are sleepy
and it's nap time!

Now wait.
He'll climb in bed with us.

Just give him a minute.


Since we're just lying here...


Do you remember
when you --

Will: [ Chuckling ]
Sorry about that.

Oh! Gosh!

Oh, gosh.

You're gone for two minutes,

you come back and find us
in the big-boy bed.

I can only imagine
what you're thinking.

That you're trying to get
this little kid to take a nap?

How smart is he?
[ Chuckles ]

Say something medical.

20cc -- stat.

[ Sighs ]

I don't understand a word,
but it gets me going.

[ Laughs ]

I mean, what kind
of store policy is that?

I-I can't return a coat
that I put on one time at home?

Getting out of the shower.

Yeah, you didn't help
by pointing that out.

What are you gonna tell daddy?

Well, I guess I'm just gonna
tell him I made a mistake.

You know,
like I say, sweetie

honesty is always
the best policy.


And stay with me here...

Where would I go?

I convince your daddy to wait
on the apartment upstairs

until I have enough time
to sell your coat,

and, if need be,
even sell mine.

Thanks for selling mine first,
Dr. Chicago.

If I'm reading this properly,

I'm supposed to
put a lime in your mouth,

salt on your stomach,

and drink it
out of your bellybutton.

[ Cork pops ]
You wish.

[ Exhales sharply ]
That'll get you there.

[ Coughing ] Oh.
Whoa, Nelly.

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, pace yourself!
This stuff is strong.

I'll know when I've had enough.

Oh, hey.
I got it lit.

I could feel it
inside the house.

They're gonna need
dental records

to identify those chickens.

You'll be singing
a different tune

once I pop on
the rotisserie feature.

Get ready for these birds
and your head to spin.

That's moving pretty fast.

Simple adjustment.

Oh. That seems to have...
sped it up.

H-how about you skim dinner
out of my pool?

I'll get my old grill out.

Why is this even a setting?!

Oh, hey!

Hey, where the hell did you go,
you coward?
Oh, hey!

Hey, where the hell did you go,
you coward?

Oh, what -- just 'cause
dad took your money back,

I'm supposed to give him
all mine, too?

Yes, yes. Because it was
your stupid idea. Okay?

Oh, my god. How am I gonna tell
Cam I gave away his entire inheritance?

I don't know.

Oh, hey! Is there
a future doctor in the house?

Yeah, I think he's upstairs,
feeling up Haley.

No -- you, Alex Einstein.

Whatever you're doing,
please stop.

She's still mad.

Yeah, so am I.

It's not fair, okay?

Dad gave you the same amount
of money for your down payment.

Jay loaned us that money?

Oh, my god. You don't know.
Yes. Yes.

Makes you wonder
what else she's lied about, huh?

Wait -- I've owed Jay money
for 20 years,

and you never told me?

I didn't think
you'd want to take it.

I finally understand
the invisible wall

that's been between
Jay and me all this time.

This is why we're not laughing
about that crazy grill,

taking an awesome selfie
with it,

posting it on Instagram,

sending hilarious e-mails
back and forth!

when the grill went nuts?"

"Oh, yeah.
That was hilarious."

"You're hilarious."
[ Chuckles ]

So what, he's a doctor?

I could be a doctor.

I still have the white coat

from when I worked
at the Clinique counter.

Hey. So, Gloria says
it's Joe's bath time.

He just had one.

What's with the robe, Hef?

I don't know who that is,
but I took off my shirt

to protect it
from Splash Gordon over here.

[ Chuckles ] Adorbs.

Can you grab me that juice box?

Yeah, sure.


Like I was saying before,

remember how,
when I was in the hospital --

Oh, no!

Oh, man, this is gonna stain!

I need to take it off
and soak it.

Uh, uh...

You could put on my shirt.
It's hanging right there.

Oh, thanks.

It's a little boxy.
Do you have a chunky belt?

Uh... yeah, I guess.

[ Chuckling ]
I'm kidding.

It's not like I'm gonna be
wearing this for long anyways.

Wow. This looks bad.

And this looks even worse.

But there's a perfectly
good explanation.

Hey, babe. You spill
something on your dress?

That was your first guess?

Yeah, I was giving
Andy a juice box.

Mm. Not to drink --
because I'm a man.

Okay, so,
I'm gonna go get a dress

and some shoes
from Gloria's closet.

What happened to your shoes?



I've been watching
the two of you,

and it's pretty obvious.


You know how to make her laugh.

Anyway, I got Haley
a little gift,

and I want to write
something cute on the card.

I thought you could help me,
because --

Because you're not
good with words.

Well, I'm a doctor.

I can't admit I'm not
good at something.

But... please?



[ Sighs ]

Just... write how you feel.

Something like...

"Dear Haley,
I know how eyes work,

but I never knew
how they sparkled until I --"

That could be
macular degeneration.

Just write.

[ Laughs ]

We need to sober up.

Right after I call
an ex-girlfriend.

[ Voice breaking ]
I think I still love her.

Hey. Sorry we're late.

Hey. No, that's fine.
No worries.

Um, so, listen,
my stupid sister --

Look, I don't want
that apartment anymore.

- Oh, me neither.
- Yeah, it's just that --

Well, I thought you had
your heart set on it.

I did, but then you made
such a compelling case.

Hey, Mitch, I got to tell you,
I was really impressed

with you paying back that loan.

I'm sorry. What?
Excuse me?

I'm sorry.
I should be thanking you, too.

I forgot about that down payment
I helped you guys with.

It was so long ago.

Anyway, yeah.

- Nice birthday surprise.
- Yeah.

You gave him my money,
didn't you?

Your money. I thought
you said it was our money?

Why would it be our money?

You didn't even know
my uncle Remus.

Wasn't it Cyrus?

I think I would know
the name of the saint

that practically raised me.


I forgot to give grandpa
his birthday crown.

Wait a minute.
What's this?

Does Lily have a fur?

Oh, boy.

Yeah, uh, let's see.

Oh, it's from Schwartzman's, huh?

The same store that you and Lily

just love to browse in
every Sunday after brunch.

Well, if you must know,
it was a surprise gift for you.

Now it's going back,
because you're a thief.

- Oh, well, then, I want to try it on.
- No!

- I want to try it on.
- You'll just get attached.

Well, it's a present for me,
so I should be able

to have a fitting of some sort.

Of course it needs altering.

Since when do you wear
right off the rack?

[ Clears throat ]

I'm just not comfortable
with Vesuvius over there.

I hope you can get
your money back.

"Money back" --
there it is.

- Huh?
- There's a shadow that's been cast

over this relationship
for quite a while now.

Is this about that time
you were sleepwalking

and came in my tent
and kissed my neck?

Somnamorousness -- the condition
no one wants to talk about.

You're right about that.

This is actually
much more embarrassing.

I just found out you lent us
money for our down payment.



Paid back in full.

Phil, is this
because Mitchell --

No. This is for me -- for us.

And though it may be
long overdue, thank you.

You're welcome.

Probably seems awkward, but...

It's happening.

Could you throw
that apron on me?

You're not sleeping again.

Maybe we should have
another pot of coffee.

[ Chuckles ] That's a weird word, huh?
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.

[ Sighs ] Amateur.

Doctor! I need your help.

I've been drinking this Tequila,
and I cannot find the worm.

I think I just swallow it.

That's very serious.

That worm could eat your insides
in a matter of hours.

Well, there must be
something she can do.

Drink pickle juice.

The worm cannot survive
in pickle juice.

- Is this enough?
- Just.

Ahh! Thank you, doctor.
I'm feeling better already.

You got lucky.

The only other treatment is
to freeze the worm to death

by lowering the body temperature
with an ice bath.

I feel it inside of me.

No. I think
it's inside of me.

I knew we should've poured
the Tequila in your bellybutton.

That's why they have
these systems in place.


I heard an expensive car
pull out.

I figured you were in it.

Oh, yeah, that was Will
going to the hospital.

I just came to get my dress.

Oh. Um, he gave me this card,
but he writes like a doctor.

Can you read it for me?

Mnh-mnh. No.
That sounds way too personal.

Ohh, come on!
I visited you in the hospital.

Just do it!

Nah, I'm okay.

Can you just see
if you can read it? I can't.

- I'd rather not.
- Can you even read? Can you please try?

I'll try.
Yeah, no, I'll try.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

"Dear Haley,
I know how eyes work,

but I never knew
how they sparkled

until I met you.

I know how hearts work,

but I never knew they could sing

until I met you.

Love, Will."

[ Sighing ]
Oh, crap.

Really? I thought
it was kind of sweet.

The doctor part, then it
circled around back to you.

Why does he have to be
so into me, you know?

We met like two weeks ago.

A gold heart!

I just -- I guess I'm just more
into the chase right now.

You know, like, the fun.

I'm just not looking
for anything serious.

Well, it's good
you know what you want --

before anyone got hurt.



Of course I have the receipt.

Ow!... Kay, what if I didn't?

Oh, there she is!

Okay, everybody,
I want to make a toast!

Oh, any excuse.

To my brilliant daughter...

So, not you.

Who worked for 12 years
to get into Caltech,

the most prestigious college --

Mom, it's really not a big deal.

Oh, honey, wait, wait, wait --
you said yourself

it's the best scientist school
in the country.

Well, I most definitely
did not use those words.

Congratulations, Alex.

We expect great things
from you --

unlike some of the other
children in this family.

Well, I snagged a doctor,

so she must be
talking about you.

I'm very proud of you.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Okay, well,
I haven't even decided.

I still might go
to my safety school.

Great. Now this.

If she goes to the other place,
it's even more expensive.

It's not gonna happen.

She's just trying to punish me.

And don't worry about the money.
I got my bonus.


Wait. What?
What did you do?

Did you pay back my dad?
Please, please, please.

- No, no, no.
- Yes, I did.

[ Gasps ]
Not that it changed anything.

Okay, don't be mad at Phil.

He's not the bad guy here.
He is.

Look at him, sitting over there
like he's the king of the world.

What father takes money
from his own children?

Not like he needs it.
He lives in this palace.

Meanwhile, our whole family's

sharing a bathroom
the size of his closet.

I know.
I've paced it out.

Okay, what about me?

My tears have barely dried,
he stole my inheritance,

and I'm left holding the bag
for two fur coats.


I can get three seasons
of use out of it.

[ Chuckling ] Hey, this might
give you a chuckle.

That money
you all paid me back --

- it's gonna cover the cost
of that T-bird. - Ah!

Isn't that funny
how stuff works out? [ Laughter ]

- It sure is funny.
- That's hilarious.

[ Gasps ] Ohh!

I can't.
It's too cold.

It's either cold for 5 minutes
or cold forever.

[ Shudders ]

Come on.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Both gasping ]

Funny -- I always thought
I'd be found dead in a bird suit

at the bottom
of the Grand Canyon.

You still will, buddy.

[ Voice breaking ]
You still will.

[ Camera clicks ]

If I ever catch you
drinking again,

your whole school
is going to see this picture.

Sh-sh-she tricked us.

I know.

As soon as we kill this worm,
we're gonna get her back.

There's... no... worm!

Not gonna help, kid.

You're right.

I can't drown my problems
in alcohol.

Well, you can, but that's water.

You're not really
gonna turn down Caltech?

Oh, please don't tell me
what a great school it is,

how I'm gonna graduate
in two years,

and they're gonna
name a country after me.

You're feeling some pressure.

What if I'm the
dumbest one there?

Someone has to be.

I could get there, be dumb,
have a nervous breakdown --

Hey. You're going.
I know you.

You've never backed down from
a challenge your whole life.

Now, I could lie to you
and tell you it's gonna be easy.

Well, do that. I'm vulnerable.
I'll believe you.

It's not.
It's gonna be hard.

But you and I both know this is
something you have to do.

'Cause if I don't,
I'll regret it my whole life.

I know, I know.

Yeah, that's part of it.

Let's take a ride.
Want to show you something.

You're not gonna drive me
into a bad neighborhood

to show me how lucky I am,
are you?


Well, I would
still have my money

if she hadn't tricked Mitchell.

Oh, and it's a shame
you don't, Cam.

'Cause then you could buy
another one of those coats.

Phil: Well, I didn't get
anything I wanted!

Jay didn't even like
the world's most perfect grill.

[ Explosion ]

Come on!

The family needs a leader,
and I can't do it forever.

You can handle it.

Do I have to?

Heavy hangs the head.

You know, college might not be
such a big, scary place

if I drove up
the first --

- Not gonna happen.
- Okay.

Your brother's
in a bit of a spot money-wise,

and I don't want
to embarrass him,

so how about if I say
I'm giving you both a gift?

That way, he doesn't feel
like a charity case.

Oh. Well,
if it's to help Mitchell...

Thank you, honey.

[ Shuddering ]
S-still s-so cold.

M-maybe some coffee
would warm us up.

You have a problem.

So listen, how about if I say
I'm giving you both a gift?

- That way your sister --
- We'll take it.


- Lily! We can get the hats!
- Yay!