Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 17 - Closet? You'll Love It! - full transcript

Jay and Claire scramble to shoot a commercial in response, but there might be some creative differences between father and daughter. A peeping-Tom in the neighborhood keeps using a drone to spy on Gloria.


Muxed English Subtitles.
[MP4] Modern Family S06E17 (1080p) Closet You'll Love It - Web-DL [KoTuWa]
HI Removed

Okay, Lily, ballet at 11:00,

Then a playdate,
then karate class at 3:00,

So why don't you go get
your uniform?

Chop chop!

Cam.
What?

She's in karate.
It's not offensive.

Debatable, but why would you
schedule all this extra stuff

On the same day
as her talent show?

Okay, are you accusing me
of overscheduling

Our tone-deaf daughter
so she's so tired

She misses the talent show
and doesn't humiliate herself?

Lily has no talent.

Because she's 7.
No one has talent at 7.

I did. Tons of it.

Sheep-shearing,
cornhusking, hay-baling.

It was hard for me to pick
just one to showcase

At my first little prince
pageant.

In the end,
I went with waltzing.

You waltzed at 7?

Barely. My partner
had two left hooves. Hmm.

I got it!

Hey, wait.
Isn't my talent show today?

Oh, who knows?
But let's go ride some ponies.

No, no, you're right.
It is today,

And since you have a little bit
of time before ballet...

Why don't you two
do a little bit of warming up?

Maestro? Come on.

Oh, okay, great. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.

So, Lily, can you
meet me here at...

♪ c? ♪

♪ C ♪
♪ now daddy's lonely ♪

♪ I'm there with you ♪

♪ No, you're not,
you're not even close ♪

♪ This can't possibly
sound the same to you ♪

♪ Maybe I can help,
daddy is also here at... ♪

♪ C ♪

♪ C ♪

♪ No, that's not even
a note ♪

♪ I feel like you're doing it
on purpose ♪

♪ That seems
a little bit sharp ♪

♪ I'm never sharp,
I'm pitch-perfect ♪

♪ I'm talking about your tone
toward our daughter ♪

♪ I can understand you
even when you're singing ♪

♪ ♫ ♩

... Captions by vitac ...
Enhancements by KoTuWa

What are you doing?

I am gathering every binky
that is in this house,

Because from today on,
Joe is going cold turkey.

Okay, Joe, have your last puff
if you want.

Gloria, I'm trying
to watch something here.

Okay, you can keep crying
all you want.

I can't hear anything.
Try growing up in colombia.

My binky was a spark plug.

Luke, how could you forget
your bathing suit?

You Came over here to swim.

It's all right, honey.
He can wear mine.

I'll borrow from Jay.

You have a favorite I should
keep my hands off of, Jay?

That ship sailed
about 20 years ago.

Ha ha! Zinger!

Save some of that charm

For our commercial shoot
today, dad, huh?

♪ Closets, closets,
closets, closets ♪

You see what
our competition's airing?

See the lasers?
Special effects?

I'll bet they spent
5 million bucks on that thing.

Don't worry, dad.
The concept I Came up with

Is so much better than theirs.
We're scrapping it.

What? I worked
for two months on that.

Sorry. We gotta go
with what's proven.

We're remaking
my old commercial.

30 years ago,
my dad was in a local ad

For Pritchett's closets,
and he has always been

Really proud of the slogan
he Came up with.

I've never understood
what it means.

Pritchett's closets...

Choose one
of our nine luxurious models

Like the monte carlo.

Or how about a custom design

Using our state-of-the-art
technology?

Come visit Pritchett's

And go home
with the closet of your dreams.

Closet? You'll love it!

The entire town
went nuts for that ad.

People stopped me
in the street,

Asking me to say the slogan.

Are you sure they weren't
asking you to explain it?

What's to explain?

Instead of "like it?
You'll love it,"

You use the word "closet."

Then why not, "like it?
You'll closet!"?

That makes no sense.

Look, I know it was rough
on you and mitch

Having a famous dad,

You know, getting your picture
taken in restaurants.

That happened one time, dad,
only because we were eating

With Ralph Berman,
"garage door opener king."

Hey, he was eating
with us.

The point is,

That ad scored for us,
and it will again.

So we're gonna flush
all my hard work

Because you got freaked out
by some commercial

That's not even
that catchy.

♪ Closets, closets ♪

All right, get there!

Ugh!

Hey, if you really wanna impress
beth when she gets here,

You should try
for that giant elephant.

Oh, penguin's just as good.

Money!
Aah!

I just spent
a lot of money. A lot.

Sorry. I had to check in
at the job.

Always something going down
at the hut.
Mm.

You work at the hut?
I would guess pizza,

But based
on your ripply stomach I saw

When you helped me get down
off the gondola ride,

I'm gonna guess...
Sunglass hut.

Yep, chase picked out
these vintage-y sunglasses

That look like
I could've been murdered

At a cool house party
in the '70s.

Ooh, you've been framed.

You should use that.

Hmm?
At your job at the hut.

You just said
"jabba the hut."

I'm really lost here,
guys.

Oh!
Oh! That smarts.

Again?
Yeah. Uh, it's probably
just motion sickness.

Uh, yeah, the motion of shoving
deep fried garbage

In your mouth all day.

It's my manager again.
She's always on me.

Can't wait till the fall
when she's off to college.

Yeah, maureen?

Beth's not coming.

She's too tired to drive up
from san diego.

So this beth, who I've
never actually met,

Is she one of those
real-life move-around girls?

Ha ha.
You know she's a real girl.

Fine, but, you know,
she flew all the way over here

For some coast guard training.

She can't drive a couple hours
to see you?

She's been saving
drowning mannequins all morning,

And some of them
are plus-sized,

Because a lot of people
fall off cruise ships.

Okay,
but doesn't it bother you

That she's flaked for, like,
the hundredth time?

I know you have a problem
with beth,

But what we have works
for me, okay?

And if we're pointing fingers...

I want you to help me
find my keys.

Wait. Shh.

They're in my jacket.
Okay.

Got it.

Mom, that perv
is ogling you again.

No! I was reading
my horoscope.

"You will borrow
a huge swimsuit today." what?

Ay, no, the plane! The plane!
It's always spying on me!

Go away or I'm gonna call
the policeman!

Wow, don't even waste
your time, Gloria.

Johnny law's got no chance
with that baby.

You're looking
at a freeling cloudgazer

With after-market frequency
scrambler. Untraceable.

As you can guess,
I'm a droner myself.

Yes, you're droning right now.
Ay, it's getting closer!

Mom, maybe you should
cover up.

No! That's crazy. We can just
knock it out of the sky.

Manny, grab the hose.

I'll use this
to blind it.

My eyes!

My eyes!
Oh!

- Oh!
- Aah!

And just like that,
it disappears.

In his defense,
the water's really cold.

Oh! You're still rehearsing.

We sure are, and we found
a more appropriate song

For Lily's singing voice.

Really? Well,
I'd love to hear it.
Okay.

♪ Everybody was
kung fu fighting ♪

Hyah! Hyah!

♪ Those kicks were
fast as lightning ♪

Hyah! Hyah!

♪ In fact, it was
a little bit frightening ♪

Okay, stop, stop, stop.
No, come on. No. No!

This is ridiculous.
She's not even singing.

She wasn't singing before
either.

Okay, go get some water. Cam.

Mitchell, I just don't want her
to embarrass herself

In front of her friends,
not to mention the parents.

I can already hear
Andrew's condescending, "hmm."

Oh, my gosh. You're still
competing with Andrew.

He staged a coup, Mitchell.

He forced me out of the group
I founded.

I founded it.
The greensleevers were

Southern california's
premier holiday chorus

And "just the nutmeg we want"

"Our yuletide eggnog
dusted with"...

"I.A. Times,"
December 23, 199...
I remember.

Oh, I remember.
I remember.

So you're not worried about
Lily embarrassing herself.

You're worried about
Lily embarrassing you.

Not so much now that
she's not singing.
Oh.

Hey. Lily is gonna sing
whatever she wants,

And you're gonna get over
this thing with Andrew...

Because a grown man
should not have a nemesis.

It's ridiculous.
You know what's ridiculous?

Is being forced to turn in
your jingle bells

To a man with less
vocal range than a teakettle.

Hyah!

Hi.

Oh,
I thought you had a date.

I did, but I bailed.

He's not exactly
the sharpest shed.

What is his deal?

I took his pacifier
hours ago,

And he's still crying.
He's being such a baby.

Well, maybe he's just not
ready to give them up.

No, I promised my mother
that he wouldn't use it anymore.

Her uncle used it
until he was 4,

And now he's in jail.

I feel like a lot of your family
stories end that way.

I'm gonna put on
a bathing suit.

Hi, Manny.

Please stick Joe in front
of the tv.

He always calms down
when he listens to...

♪ closets, closets,
closets, closets ♪

Dad, you might wanna see this.

Oh!

He put us on youtube?

He called it

"drone 1, idiot 0."

It has 32,000 views.

We have to strike back.

That drone just messed
with the wrong idiot.

Andy's in the hospital.

What? Why?

Appendicitis.

Is he okay? Maybe I should
go down there.

This is not good.

My second cousin
got appendicitis,

And now he's in jail.

Hmm.

Closet? You'll love it.

And... Cut.

Uh, that was great, Jay.

Let's try it again.
Maybe a little lighter.

Lighter.
Yeah.

Just, you know,
happier, warmer.

Even more? All right.

From Jay's line.
Here we go. And...

Action.

Closet? You'll love it!
Cut.

You see that was exactly the same, right?
I do.

So what does it mean?
I don't know.

So do we have it?
Um...

I gave you, like,
10 different choices.

Let's not overthink this, huh?
Just pick one.

Okay. Well... Give him a minute.

He'll calm down.
Sure.

Uh, hey, Claire?
Yes. Yeah.

So we were just talking,

And strictly
from a marketing standpoint,

Do you think Jay is, um...
He stinks.

He's the worst. So bad.

And, um... Strictly from
a keeping-my-job standpoint,

It would be so dope
if you told him that.

Oh. Oh, god.
I can't fire my dad!

I know.
I know. It must be hard,

But you realize it's
the best thing for the company.

Yes, I do.
Okay.

Can I at least count on you
to back me up?

Totally. Come on.

We both
know your dad is incredible.

Do you see him today?
He's like george clooney

But older, but better.

I...
thought that was Jay. I'm sorry.

Oh, man. Almost fainted.

Just gonna put my head
between my legs.

Plenty of room down there.

We'll now take a break
to sweep up the confetti

That was definitely not
mentioned in dress rehearsal.

Okay, here comes Andrew.
Just act like we don't care

About the whole greensleevers
thing.

Ooh, I hope I could
pull this off.

Cameron.

Andrew.
Enjoyable show.

So did you...
Direct? No, not this year.

Ah, I didn't think so.

You're...

So we're really enjoying
the show, too.

It's all about the kids,
you know.

Sorry.
They only had flat.

Mitchell.

Simon.

Turns out recently,
Andrew married Simon.

My bitter rival
from law school.

Or... Nemesis?

I've...

So how's work? I'm sure
you heard I made partner

At gotshal, manges,
flom, arps, & leboeuf.

And I'm actually at
the justice institute now.

So rewarding.

Oh, I think our firm donated
one of our old fax machines

To you guys.

♪ ♫ ♩

We better go.
We're moving closer

Because our daughter's
about to perform.

Yours is from Vietnam,
right?
Mm-hmm.

We were able to adopt one
from Korea.

So...

Did he really just end
a conversation on "so..."?

Let's just take our seats.

No, Cam,
I-I don't know if this is

The most supportive environment
for Lily to...

I agree. Let's get her
out of the show.
Okay. Yeah.

And are Koreans
really better?

I don't know.

Chicken's in the pot. I repeat,
we have eyes on the chicken.

Eat paint.
Damn it. I missed.

Luke, gravity!

Shut up, nerd! Ow! Ow!

Plan "b"! If you can't beat 'em,
drone 'em!

Activate voice control!

Forward 10 feet.

Oh! It's attacking!
Get down!

Damn it.
Deactivate voice control!

Plan "c"! Follow it home!

Hurry up!

Hey! That's my bike!

We're all making sacrifices!
I'm wearing a monokini!

Hey, lizzie! Whoa!
Aah!

Okay, I need to borrow this,
okay?

Here, just... all right.
Okay.

I promise to bring it back,
all right?

No, that's what you said
about my mom's humidifier!

He's heading for the river
to try and lose us.

Damn you, denise,
at the patent office

For stalling my aquabike!

Look out!

Ow!

You okay?

It's gonna take more
than a little truck to st...

Aah!

Ohh!
Ow!

Ow. Are you guys okay?
Yeah.

This isn't over yet!
You know that!

Aah!
Oh, god! Dad!

Aah! Phil!

Ohh!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

"drone 2, idiots zero."

Come on!

At least it's far away
so you can't tell it's us.

Yeah.

Oh, great. Another comment.

"L.O.L. That's my realtor,
Phil D..."

Okay, let's just grab her
and go.

She's up after the next act.

Hey, we're doing
the right thing.

You can develop
deep emotional scars at age 7.

I still can't eat...

Salt and vinegar chips.
Yes, I know.

I can't relive this
with you right now.

I'm sorry. Okay.

Look at her.

Yeah. Add mouth-catching
to things she can't do.

No. I mean, she's not
nervous at all,

And look at the other kids.
They're a wreck.

You know, she may not have
gotten our talent,

But she didn't get
our self-consciousness either.

Oh. Well, we're not giving her
our self-consciousness.

Today is her day,
and she is...

She is gonna sing.
Come on.

♪ ♫ ♩

hi. My mom's doing chemo,

So I shaved my head
to be like her.

This is for you, mom.

♪ And I ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Will always love you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Hey, hey, we got a problem.
What's wrong, sweetie?

I can't go after her.
Are you kidding?

Okay, well, honey, we can't
just leave right now.

Sorry, gotta run.
Maya's feeling a bit feverish.

Oh, well, I guess some people
can't take the heat.

♪ ...Will always love you ♪

Can you believe that?
No.

Okay, now we can leave.
Let's go out the side door.
Okay.

Hey, dad, I...

I tried to grab you
after the shoot,

But you just flew
out of there.

I didn't want it
to seem like

I was hanging around
for compliments.

There... there was some
discussion after you left.

Keep it moving, buddy!
Um...

A-a few people feel that
you Came across a little...

Sign says "no menus"!

What'd you say?

Uh...

The group thinks

That maybe it would be
for the best

If... if someone else
was our spokesman.

It's called
Pritchett's closets.

Yeah, I know,
but you were coming off

Just a tiny bit...
Damn kids.

It's mine now!

Tiny bit grumpy.
Grumpy?

There's nothing wrong
with being a little gruff.

That's how you are.

But when it comes to selling,
dad...
what do you mean...

What do you mean,
how I am?

Is that what people think of me,
that I'm some big grump?

Dad, that cannot be
a big shock.

The kids call you "grumpa."
since when?

Not to your face?
Cowards.

So if I get "grumpa,"
what do they call Phil's dad?

You know, just...
"funpa."

That mound of human silly string
gets "funpa"?

That's not the issue, dad.
No, no, I know what
the issue is.

You're saying I'm not
warm and cuddly enough

To sell closets anymore.

It's a day that every father
knows may come

But hopes it never will.

Are we sure every father...

Stop hurting me!
Oh!

Hey, how you feelin'?

Hey.

Oh, looks like they got you

On a bunch of good drugs
before your surgery.

I just Came in
to check on you.

Pretty scary going through this
all by yourself.

Too bad your girlfriend

Couldn't be here.

Beth is real.

I know that.

No.

Beth is real.

Okay, you really wanna
talk about it?

How real
is your relationship?

Real is when someone finds out
that you're in the hospital

And drops everything because
she doesn't want you

To be freaked out and alone.

Look, I'm not trying
to be mean.

It's just... You ever think
you might be

Settling for something here?

We've... we've all done it.

Talked ourselves
into the penguin

Because we didn't think
we had a shot at the elephant.

If I'm your elephant,
you have a shot.

That's what I'm trying
to say, dummy.

I'm glad
he's finally asleep.

He kept going on
about beth israel hospital.

I told him his insurance
is fine.

We can do
the surgery here.

Beth israel? Oh.

Oh, my god.
Andy, are you okay?

He's okay, right?

Uh, yeah, he's sleeping.

Oh, thank god.

I'm beth,
andy's girlfriend.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Haley.

Of course. Andy's told me
so much about you.

I'm so sorry about
missing the carnival.

I've just been up
for two days straight.

Well, you're here,
so I should go.

Okay. Thanks again.

Mm.

Listen, listen.

It worked.
He stopped crying.

Oh, so good for him.
I'm glad. So listen.

Who are these beautiful people?
They must be cousins of yours?

Yes, they are...
Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

You turned it off.

And I thought that he was
finally getting over his binky!

The screaming
is driving me crazy!

The screaming is driving
everyone crazy, Gloria.

You either have to turn
this thing off,

Or I'm going up there

And giving him my keys
to suck on.

Hey-o!
How's my beautiful wife?

What happened?
Why do you look like that?

I'm just happy
to see you.

You look like a crazy person.

Dad, what are you doing
with your face? Come on.

Did anyone else notice
that Joe stopped crying? Aah.

Back from the talent show early.
Don't ask why.

I love it when children
have talent.

Why are you
smiling like that?

Did something
happen to mom?

Put your face back
to what it used to be.

Come on, dad.
Just drop it.

So now I'm too happy.
Make up your damn minds!

There he is.

I've got it.

Dad, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.

Save it, Claire.

I watched what we shot
today.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm not that cheery,

Likeable celebrity I was
30 years ago.

I am an old grump now.
When did I turn that corner?

You haven't. You haven't.

I mean, you're creeping
up to it.

You got your blinker on,
but... You haven't yet.

I saw it happen to my dad,
you know?

One day, happy-go-lucky
rotary drill operator,

The next he's throwing
his schlitz at the tv

'cause some lady sportscaster
Came on.

I swore I'd never be
like that.

You're not that bad.
If you were,

Why would we all spend
all our time over here?

Oh, you just come here
for the pool.
That's not...

That's not true.
No. Crazy.

Dad, you are a long way
from turning into grandpa.

You know, I was with him

The first time he saw sushi
in the grocery store.

He grabbed
the price check mike

And treated us all to a little
lecture on pearl harbor.

You just have to fight it
a little.

I appreciate it, honey.
Mm.

I'm not sure some of this just
isn't natural order of things.

Bogey at 10:00! Move it!
This is not a drill!

What?

Gentlemen, on my count,

Let slip the dogs of war!

8...7...

What the hell are you three
doing out here?!

Now if we have a prayer
at this thing,

We have to triangulate.
Phil, stay where you are.

Luke, by the tree.
Give me some of those oranges.
Here you go.

Now let's go on my count,

'cause nobody starts at 8.

3...2... 1.

Get the hell off the space
above my lawn!

Ow!
take a look at this.
Look at this.

Hey!

We did it!

We did it!

Drone 2, idiots 1!

Some boys need a little help,

But not all boys.

No binky.

All right, dad,
we're ready for you.

Just give us five minutes.

Seems like a waste of time,
but go ahead.

Closet, but no cigar.

Why? Because we closet.

I'll have what
she's closet.

Mama always said

Life is like
a box of closets.

On your mark, get set,
closet.

Let's get ready to closet!

Say hello to my little closet.

Damn it. They're all good.