Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - Valentine's Day 4: Twisted Sister - full transcript

Claire has difficulty in accepting that Phil is more interested by her alter-ego Juliana. Gloria's sister tries to seduce Jay. Mitch and Cam have to get back a present for their friend Anders.

Claire: - Honey?
Phil: - Hey.

Did you remember to give Alex
and Luke their lunch money?

Ma'am, yes, ma'am.

What about the electrician?
Did you give him a check?

He's an electrician--
he'll charge us.

[ Sighs ] I'm gonna
be late for work, Shecky.

Yes, I paid him.

Happy Valentine's, by the way.

- Mm, no.
- Mm.

Claire: Gross and sweaty
from running.

[ Sighs ]

So [Groans] for later tonight,

you thinking
what I'm thinking, Valentine?

I believe I am.

Every Valentine's day,

Claire and I look forward
to some naughty role-playing--

sexually adventurous cuckolder

and Clive Bixby,

speaker salesman by day,
spy by night.

Lover also by night

and sometimes during the day.

The speaker business, it--
it pretty much runs itself.

I just want to keep it
really low-key this year.

You know, simple.


On the other hand,

we could have a drink
at that hotel bar we love.

Go on.

And come straight home...

put on our jammies,

and fall asleep
in front of the TV.


Looking forward to it already.

Ew, but not those ones I hate,

those red satin pajamas.

I don't even know
where those are.

I know I'll get over it,

- but right now I hate Anders and Cooper.
- [ Groans ]

Our dear friends
Anders and Cooper

got married
last Valentine's day,

and we wanted to get them
something really special.

- We found this exquisite little painting...
- Oh...

...of a winery in Napa
that we all visited last year.

It was a... bit pricey,

but they're really judge-y
and we knew they'd love it.

The problem is, so did we.

Thank you, Carmelina.

Oh, and here's
s-something you can...

put in the other room.

[ Breathes deeply ]

- That was hard.
- So hard.

Probably how
lily's birth mother felt.

Except we don't have nine other
paintings by five different painters.

Oh, my God.
Mitch, Cam.

Oh, God, are we early?

- This is so not like us.
- I'm sorry.

No, no, no.
The party's been canceled.

- Why?
- Cooper's left me.

He's filing for divorce.

[ Voice breaking ]
The marriage is over!

- [ Sobbing ]
- Ohh.


- Ohh, Anders.
- Anders.

- I thought we were in love.
- Mm.

You think you know the person
sleeping in the next bedroom.

I'll get us some drinks.

[ Whimpers ]

So sad.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be.

If it's really love,

you do everything you need to do
to get back what you once had.

You're talking
about the painting, right?

Of course I am 'cause we
don't owe him that anymore.

- Go get it!
- Okay.

Go get it.
[ Claps ]

You must have big plans today.

This is like
your Super Bowl, right?

I'm sitting it out this year.

The whole holiday's
gotten laughably commercial.

Sounds like
Amy turned you down.

Like a bed
in a five-star hotel.

I'll be drowning my sorrows

in a marathon of my
new favorite true-crime show,

"Lethal Ladies."

Amy may have dumped me,

but at least it wasn't off the
lido deck of a carnival cruise.

Gloria: - I know, Sonia! Shut up!
Sonia: - [ Giggles ]

Look who's back--
the Sangria Sisters.

I invited my sister to visit

so that we could fix
our problems.

You know, sister things,

like I never liked
how she always borrowed my bras,

or she never liked

how I stole her one chance
to escape the village

and I left her there,
taking care of my mother.

Things like that.

Jay, they delayed
Sonia's flight until tomorrow.

Why don't we cancel
our dinner reservation

and the three of us
celebrate Valentine's here?

You don't have to do that
for me, Gloria.

I usually spend Valentine's day

selling artificial flowers
near the well in my village.

Where do you people live,
National Geographic?

I just feel so bad.

You have both shown me
such kindness this week,

and I repay you
with bad weather over Tampa.

No, this is better.

It gets crazy out there.

I'm happy to avoid the fuss.

Wouldn't have minded
a little fuss.

Maybe I've been kind of feeling
taken for granted lately.

I know only girls are supposed to
care about Valentine's day, but--

Ah, what am I crying about?

We get paid more,
so what the hell?

- [ Sighs ]
- Cooper didn't even have the decency

to leave me in time
to cancel the caterer.

I have 300 of these wasabi
shrimp canap?s if you're hungry.

Oh, no, thank you.

Sardine rillettes,
olive crostini--

What am I supposed to do
with all of this?

[ Sternly ] Carmelina,
that's for company.

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, well, there's Cam,
so we should probably go.

Oh, you were gone so long,
I was afraid you'd woken mother.

Uh, m-mother?

Didn't I mention?

She's recuperating here,
just had both hips replaced.

Both: - Ohh.
- Oh, that reminds me--

I should put on
the security camera in her room.

- Did you get it?
- Yes.

And guess where they keep
the last-minute wedding gifts in?

Hint-- apparently
you need your original hips

to keep a nightgown closed.

Well, I'm glad you stopped by.

I really needed this.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, Cam, get in here.

Oh, I have
a little bit of a sniffle.

Oh, come on.
[ Chuckles ]

- [ Picture thuds ]
- Oh!

- What's this?
- Um...

Uh, that is, um--

that's a wedding gift
for you and Cooper,

but once we heard, we didn't
think it was appropriate.

Oh, are you kidding?
There's no bad time for a gift.

I'm-- I'm sorry
it's so late.

We just wanted
to get you something

that you would really cherish.

Pretty much the best gift
we've ever given anyone.

Yeah, it's--
it's a beautiful...

Cheese plate!

Yes, I got that from the...

whimsical phrasing.

Are you sure
you won't stay for one more,

especially now
since I've got this

cheese-delivery system?

- Just one, yeah.
- Great.

What happened?!

Obviously there were
two gifts wrapped similarly,

and my eyes were watering

from the think fog
of Vaporub back there.

Okay, well, we got
nothing to lose now,

so go back
and get the painting.

You know who gave him
that cheap thing?

J'Marcus. She's got the
first dollar she ever earned--

Just go!

Jay: Once Sonia blew up
my Valentine's day,

I could have sat around
feeling sorry for myself.

Instead, I had a little chuckle,
and I got the dog a gift.

I know it's silly
getting Stella a present...

so close to her birthday.

Is she around?

I think she's upstairs
in the bath.

What? I just gave her
a bath this morning.


Oh, you're talking
about Stella.

Wait, you got the dog a gift?

Lot of attitude

for a guy whose date's a tub
of ice cream and a fuzzy robe.

You're spending Valentine's day
in a "Cathy" cartoon.

Hey, what's all this?

I thought the three of us were
just gonna order something in.

I ruined your night enough.

I'm cooking for you and Gloria

so you can have
a romantic evening alone.

Sonia, you don't
have to do this.

I want to.

It makes me so happy
to prepare food for you.

Maybe someday I'll be preparing
it for a husband of my own.

Thank you for not laughing
and falling on the floor

like my mother does
when I say such things.

You know, it being
Valentine's day and all,

I, uh--

I got you a little something.

Ooh, laundry?



I can't.

Come on!
Open it.

Here, see that "S" there?

That's for "Sonia."

Oh, Jay, it's so beautiful.

I don't know what to...

Thank you!

[ Laughs ]

When will I learn?

I'm catnip
to sister-in-laws.

Years ago, I was sitting
next to Dede's sister Cece

at Thanksgiving dinner,

and I threw
a little charm her way.

You know, flash the baby blues.

And before I know it,

she's rubbing her size 12s
up and down my shin.

Dede caught her,
went over the table at her.

It took me and her sister Bebe
to separate them.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hey, where are you?

I've been trying you
for 15 minutes.

Claire: I know.
We ran late.

And then the car wouldn't start,
so I had to call AAA.

They said they're on their way,
but who knows?

I'm all greasy.

Oh, honey, I don't think
I'm gonna make it. Don't be mad.

I am mad.

You were supposed to be here
20 minutes ago.

This is the one night
we set aside for us.

I know, and I feel terrible,

but... listen,
finish your drink, come on home.

Maybe we'll have
a romantic Easter.

Check, please.

I understand that your wife
has had some car trouble.

I wonder how that
could have happened?

I must say, Juliana,

you're the last person I
expected to see here tonight.

Well, with any luck, you'll be the
last person I do see tonight.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my God.

Phil, I've had my eye on you
for years.

I'm just so happy

we're finally gonna get
some alone time.

I'm not scaring you, am I?

Quite the contrary.

Most women who meet me

almost instantly
ask for some alone time.

- Mm.
- [ Cellphone chimes ]

Excuse me.

Darn it!

My showing was pushed up
tomorrow morning.

I-I may have to make it
an early one.

Are you sure?

'Cause you only have
one night with me, tiger,

and I'm as flexible

as a government-insured,

variable-rate mortgage.

Who are you?

What do you say
we get out of here?

- What are you doing?
- Run, run!

But we haven't
even paid for this.

We're outlaws, baby.
Go, go!

- That was such a rush!
- Ah!

You've never stolen
anything before?

Only the entire show of my
high-school production of "The Wiz,"

but I don't think

Oh, glass elevator. Should
make for an exciting view.

It will for
the people on the street.

Oh, my God.

I didn't even hear them get on.

Well, maybe it's time
for an ear cleaning.

I don't know, you just
sluiced them out pretty good.

I'm getting kind of hot, Phil.

What do you say
we cool off a bit?

Aw, that would have
been great, Juliana.

- Too bad it's after... dark.
- [ Beeps ]


You were right, Juliana.

This cool night air
is just the thing.

Would the lady like my coat

so she doesn't
catch a col--

Does that mean
what I think it does?

[ Water splashes ]

Water's a little chilly.

Think you can come in here
and help me warm it up?

Baby, they haven't built a pool
I couldn't warm a little.

- Where's Cam?
- Uh, tinkling again.

Nature calls so often, I think
she has him on speed dial.

[ Chuckles ]

- [ Alarm beeps ]
- Oh, what's that?

The motion-detector alarm
in mother's room

in case she falls out of bed.

I turn it on during cocktails,

when I tend to forget
she's even there.

- What's going on? She all right?
- Oh.

Yeah, yeah, she's just
tossing her leg a little bit.

Oh, that kicky thing?

She's either having
her rockettes dream

or her catheter's out.

Mitchell: - [ Sighs ]
Anders: - She's fine.

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Sighs ]

[ Growling ]
Oh, we're out of ice!

The nightmare continues!




Hey, I got it.

Okay, put it back.

I can't possibly
have heard you correctly.

There is a box over there
with a Santangelo glass bowl

that they got us
for our wedding.

We'll just say that the
cheese plate was a little joke

and that the real present
is in the other room.


You know,
your coming around today

reminded me that Cooper and I
got you a wedding gift.

You did?

[ Chuckling ]
Well, now, this is a surprise.

Well, even though
it doesn't say so on it,

it's a fish!

Oh, my God!
Plastic olive swords?

- Carmelina, are you trying to be deported?!
Mitchell: - [ Sighs ]

All right, I got it back.

What is that?

This is Anders'
wedding present to us.

He must have swapped it out

when he opened that monstrosity
that he thinks we got him.

[ Scoffs ] We're getting
our painting back.

- Go.
- Me?

No, no. You've already done a recon of the room.
You need to do this.

Okay, take it easy,
"Mission Impossible."

It's a bed and a couch,
not a laser maze.

Now get.

- [ Groans ]
- [ Sighs ]

A little champagne, and dinner
will be ready in 10 minutes.

Ay, thank you.

Oh, Jay, thank you so much
for my new bracelet.

You shouldn't have.

And speaking of jewelry
and "shouldn't haves,"

I was feeling sorry for Sonia,

and I gave her
a little trinket.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah, but now the poor kid's
got the hots for me.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe I just don't know
my own power.

I mean, you must
get that sometimes.

Don't be mad.

[ Laughing ]

And don't be
whatever that is, either.

She hugged me
and wouldn't let go.

- Mm.
- It's not that crazy.

This has happened before.

Oh, yeah, that time

when Dede's lonely sister
grabbed your leg?

- Not lonely. She's a forest ranger.
- Mm.

She can't be tied down.

Look, before I shuffle back
to my bell tower,

let me just say
I know the look.

Ay, Jay, please.

I'm so sorry that I didn't pay
attention to you at all today.

And now you're all crazy.
[ Laughs ]

Sonia: Gloria, I can't find
the candlesticks!

Ay, don't worry.
I go help you!

- [ Thud ]
- Ay!

- Gloria, are you all right?
- [ Groans ]

My ankle!

Why is Joe's toy here?

- Oh, gee, you really twisted it, huh?
- Ay, ay, ay, ay!

All right, honey.
Let me get some ice on that.

Sonia: I heard a crash.
Is everything okay?

Yeah, Gloria turned her ankle.

I don't know if she's gonna
make it down for dinner.

Oh, no!

Should I
bring your food upstairs?

No, she just wants to rest.

She told me
to eat with you downstairs.

She doesn't want
to make any--


That was the most exciting night
of my life.

[ Breathing deeply ]

Would it break the mood
if I clapped a little?

No, I will allow it.

[ Chuckles, sighs ]

Ooh, look,
they have the good q-tips.

I'm gonna steal us a bunch.

I'm gonna miss Juliana.

That lady knows
where the bodies are buried.

Oh, thanks, honey.

I know some years I miss
the mark on Valentine's day.

This year,
I wanted to make sure--

She's just
so adventurous and surprising.

It's like I was parched,

and she quenched my thirst
with a big goblet of "wow."

Hmm. Well, we'll have to make sure
your goblet doesn't get so low

before we fill her up again.

I don't know what that means,
but anyway,

I'm kind of thinking
maybe we'll just go home.

That showing really is early,
and I need to be sharp.

Are you sure?

I thought you wanted
to sleep here.

Yeah, I got caught up
in the whole Juliana moment.

Hey, would you see if there's any sewing kits?
I think we're out.


Something was off,

but I couldn't quite
put my finger on it.

Claire, let's get a move on!

I'm coming.
I'm coming. Hang on.

Well, look who's back.

Oh. Yeah, well,
I would have changed,

but this is all I brought.

When you're perfect?

Oh, that's so nice.

Oh, my, God, look at that. It
really has gotten late, hasn't it?

Not for a lady of the evening
like yourself, Juliana.

What's say we fog up
that glass elevator again

and grab a nightcap in the bar?

Then I put my finger on it--

My husband's in love
with another woman.

- You like that, don't you?
- Mmm, yeah.

- Poor Gloria, though, huh?
- She'll be fine.

Oh, you have
a little something--

Oh, I'll get it this time.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, excuse me.

[ Bell dings ]

Oh, the soup is ready.
I'll bring some for Gloria.

I'm not crazy, right?

No. She's into you.

Thank God you wandered down here
when you did.

You see how she keeps
sliding close to me?

It's like eating on a boat.

It's so much worse than that.

It's straight out of
"Lethal Ladies."

Look what I found in the trash.

Pictures of me and Gloria
with Gloria's head cut out?

She literally
wants mom out of the picture.

Hold on, amigo.

Is she infatuated with me?

Understandable, unavoidable.

But would she actually
do something to her own--

- [ Gasps ]
- What?!

She just took a bottle
out of her purse

and sprinkled it
into mom's soup.

Okay, that's enough
of this dumb TV show for you.

We're talking about a
perfectly believable obsession.

You're trying to make this
into something that's--

Here, Manny.

That's for me?
What about Jay?

Oh, it's too spicy for him.

I make another one just
like yours for your mother.

- Eat it while it's hot.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

She wants me
out of the picture, too.

Of course.

Young woman
meets a wealthy, older man.

Who wants a kid in the way?

That's the first airtight thing
you've said today.

But she's not a murderer.

- [ Spoon clatters ]
- Oh!

Stella, no!

Oh, that's nice.
You'd let me eat the soup.

Just clean it up.

Open your eyes, Jay.

She wants you all to herself.

The red dress just like mom's,

the toy she knew
mom would trip on,

the headless pictures?

She's crazy!

You think I'm crazy?

This is what I did
with the pictures.

I made this Valentine
for Gloria.

The dress
I borrowed from Gloria

to go with
your pretty necklace.

And the "poison" is guasca,

a spice I brought
from Colombia.

And there's Stella
with the toy.

Which she leaves
all over the house.

There's been some
misunderstanding here,

but it would be so super

if you just
wouldn't mention this to--

Gloria: - Me?!
- Geez!

As loud as these two are,
the move like cats.

I heard everything
on the baby monitor.

How can you say these things
about my sister?

I was just trying
to be nice, Jay.

I will call a cab
and wait at the airport.

Now I know what your family
really thinks of me.

Sonia, wait!

[ Grunts ]

I have been working on fixing
my relationship with Sonia

the whole week,

and because you think
you're a sex machine,

you have ruined everything.

I'm sorry.
I'll talk to her.

Sonia, I'm an idiot.

I jumped to some
crazy conclusions today.

I mean, I could say
it's because of Valentine's

or, I don't know,

me feeling a little neglected,

but I know
you could never--

Kiss me.

Yes, because you're my
sister-in-law and, uh--

[ Gasps ]

We hid it perfectly, Jay!

Sonia, wait!

We've waited long enough!

One night with me,
and you'll forget all about her.

She doesn't appreciate you.

I hear how you fight!

That's just how we talk.

Give in to it, Jay.
We both--

Oh, no.


I knew it!

How dare do you try
to steal the life

that I stole from you?!

Let him go, Gloria!
I love him!


He's my husband,
and I love him more!

- [ Quietly ] Ladies, ladies, stop.
- [ Women grunting ]

[ Gasps ]
W-who are you?

I-I-I'm a friend
of you son's.

Oh, thank goodness.

I twisted my neck,
and I need my pillow.

I'm in agony.

Anders: [ Sighs ]

Yes, mother moving in
was inconvenient,

but what did he want me to do,
just get rid of her?

Who does that?

I mean, a ghoul, that's who.

- Oh, no!
- What's wrong?

Uh-- oh, nothing. I was
just reliving the moment

you told us about you
and Cooper. Aww.

[ Sighs ]
You're so dear.

You know that-- that fish
I gave you and Mitchell?

That really wasn't the gift
we picked out for you.

- Really?
- No, I was just being mean.

It's just that, when I saw
that cheese plate, I just--

Wait a minute.

did you give us that
because Cooper and I

talked about opening up
a little cheese shop?

Why else?

- How sweet!
- [ Chuckles ]

Carmelina's probably
halfway home with it,

but I can make her walk back.

And this...

- [ Gasps ]
- This is for you.

[ Voice breaking ] We really
were so happy for you.

Oh, Anders.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, we should probably get
going, but look who is up.

- Oh!
- Mother, where's your hat?

- Oh.
- Look, Anders gave us the bowl after all.

It's a good thing you
couldn't get the painting.

We couldn't take it now.

Well, enjoy the bowl.

It's about time you boys had
something pretty in the house.


Oh, you're fine.

I love you.

Your husband's
noticing another woman,

there's only one thing
to do--

step up your game.

I just can't wait
to get in a hot bath

and soak this infected toenail.

It's much easier just to
take the other bitch down.

Well, I-I like
the sound of that bath.

I assume the tub will be ringed
with scented candles?

Oh, well, I've got candles.
I got candles everywhere.

Ever since my boyfriend
stopped paying my bills,

they turned off
the electricity.

Leaving us to generate
our own electricity.

Although, candles can be nice

if you're in the mood for,
say, some dirty dancing.

Oh, I hate that movie.

- What?!
- [ Gasps ]

- There I must passionately disagree.
- Huh.

Or was that your game
all along?

[ Inhales sharply ]

Okay, if it's an argument
you want, fine.


Of course Johnny's
gonna fall for Baby

because he's this big, dreamy
country bumpkin

and she is
the shiny, new thing.

But what happens
when the movie is over,

when he really
gets to know her, huh?

Two weeks out of
the catskills, and it's,

"You wearing that again, Baby?

You borrow
my razor again, Baby?

Isn't two glasses
enough, Baby?"

Trust me, he is no longer
having the time of his life.


- Juliana, wait.
- No. [ Groans ]

Honestly, it is
one minute to 12:00, Phil.

Valentine's day is over.

Not quite.

[ Sighs ]

I can't see you anymore.


I can't believe I'm saying this

because you're the most intoxicating
woman a man could ever meet.

[ Chuckles ]

But, by some cosmic miracle,

there's a woman in that house

I still find
as sexy and exciting

as the first day I met her.

I should probably let her know
that more often than I do.

That's my bad.

But, point is,

a guy like me gets that lucky,
he quits while he's ahead.


It sounds to me
like she's the lucky one.

Goodbye, Juliana.

Where are you going?

Aren't-- aren't we--

Don't-- don't beg.

It's beneath you.

Um, but I--

Please, go.
My wife will see you.

Go where?

Don't make this harder
than it is.


Juliana, no.



- Aah!
- [ Both laugh ]

[ Singing ] Best Valentine's day ever.
Best Valentine's day ever.

[ Singing ]

[ Humming ]

You know, I don't know
why you're so happy.

I have tried the Santangelo
in six different places

and it just makes me
hate everything in our house!

We're moving.