Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - Fight or Flight - full transcript

English Subtitles.
[MP4] Modern Family S06E15 (720p) Fight or Flight - Web-DL [KoTuWa]
HI Removed.

Okay. Found you.
Oh!

I do have an open seat
in first class,

If one of you would like
a free upgrade.

No, thank you.
I think we'll sit together.

After the amazing weekend
we just had...

I'll take it.

I deserved that seat.

Three days in the woods with
Phil's ex-cheerleader buddies...

The old stories,
the spontaneous human pyramids,

Constantly updating
their tumbler tumblr...



I smiled through
the whole thing.

Problem is
I was so convincing,

Phil thought I was having
a great time.

What do I want?
Some credit.

When do I want it?
Now.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm sorry if I smell
like a Campfire.

I've been in the woods
for three days.

I hate Camping.

If I'm ever
in the woods for three days,

It means I've been dead
for two of them.

Wow.

It feels good
to laugh for real.



You look like
you need a drink.

Hon?

Two chardonnays and a hot towel
for my friend.

Right away.

I love you,
beautiful stranger.

I have to admit,
I was a little miffed

That Claire grabbed
the good seat,

Especially after I gave her
such a magical weekend,

But I was determined
to stay positive.

And then it hit me.

???

Everybody, sal's here.

- Okay. All right.
- Oh, oh.

Is this straight?

You're throwing
a baby shower

With a dozen men
in tailored pants

Sipping bellinis.

Nothing about this is...
Ugh, I can't even finish.

Really? The last word was
too much? So, we decided
to get the gang together

To throw our friend sal
a belated baby shower.

She's been a little
hard to pin down lately,

But we knew she'd never
miss the chance

To shower with a bunch
of men.

You love that joke,
don't you?

Well, because it's two different
kinds of showers.

Mm-hmm.

This is little sammy.

This is as long

As you've ever been in our house
without a cocktail.

No, thank you.
Just a water, please.

Okay, everybody,
drop your pearls.

I'm still
breastfeeding.

All the books say,
"do it at least a year."

Jotham,
drink this.

I can't.

I'm leaving early
to go to a hockey game.

Kings versus blackhawks.

Wow.

They can
call a team that?

Black hawks.

Oh.

I've got to put this
in the kitchen.

I make
all my own baby food.

It's all-natural,
no chemicals.

Uh, who is
this woman?

She's not drinking,
she's making her own baby food.

Does Lily have
any other plates?

I don't let sammy eat
off this plastic.

Uh, yeah,
the far cabinet.

Mm-hmm.
Oh, thanks.

Okay.
None of this makes sense.

I know.

How does
she breastfeed him

If she doesn't let him
near plastic?

Mom,
do I have a fever?

Ay, let me check.

You know,
we have a thermometer.

Do you have to be so white
all the time?

Oh, baby, go lay down.

You're such a brave,
little boy!

He's faking it.

He's pretending
to be sick

So he doesn't have to go
to his cooking class.

He has to go.
Today's lasagna.

I've been starving myself
all day for that.

He doesn't want to go

Because there's a boy there
that is picking on him.

Cooking class?

You know, we're running out
of places to send him

Where he can be cool.

I know.
Enough is enough.

You have to teach him
how to fight.

Yeah. That'll work.

You're doing this.

And don't tell him
that this is coming from me.

It's bad for a boy to know that
his mother thinks he's weak.

That's a lifetime
of paying women

To spank him
until he cries.

The kid is just not
a fighter.

He gets squeamish
pounding veal.

Just do it!

Fine, but I'm only doing it
for the lasagna

And the extra food he's been
bringing home on sundays.

Makes mondays easier,
you know?

Oh, my god,
you're the garfield.

Hey.

One of you
pretty ladies

Want to take me
to meet a girl later?

You think calling us pretty
is gonna get you a ride?

I'll take it.

Let me know
when you want to leave.

Besides, I like rose.
I think she's good for you.

This is a new girl...
Sarah.

I'm done with rose.
She crazy.

Easy, macklemore.
What do you mean, "crazy"?

I'll tell you what he means.

Any time a woman
challenges a man in any way,

Suddenly, she's crazy.

So, what did she do
that was so crazy, Luke...

Give you her opinion?

Yeah, or what, did she dare
to talk about her feelings?

The words sound like you get it,
but your tone is throwing me.

Just tell me you said something
nice when you broke up with her.

I haven't broken up with her.

What?!
What?!

It just seems weird

To call someone up
and give them bad news.

She'll find out somehow.

Ugh.
Ugh, when did you become
a guy? It's gross.

You need to stand up
and face her.

In person?

What are we, 30?
Send her a text.

You need to break it
to her gently.

First,
tell her she's awesome.

And pretty.

If she was awesome and pretty,
I wouldn't be dumping her.

Just do it, you pig.

We all know
I'm not gonna do it,

So if you want it done,
here.

Oh, and don't go
looking around on there.

It's not gonna make you
like me more.

Ugh.

'S-scuse me.
I think you're in my seat.

Sir, we think
you're in her seat.

No,
I'm definitely 16c.

This is 19c.

Oh, darn it,
that's three rows up.

Sorry about that.

That's all right.

Hi. Welcome.

Um, could you hang back
a second?

I-I dropped my phone.

I may have, uh,
what you're looking for...

Right there.
Wait. What?

Hi.

I'm a professional
magician.

Holy sword-box,
you're edward legrand.

Yeah, I am.
I am.

I-I'm Phil Dunphy,

P-professional realtor,
amateur magician.

Well,
nice to meet you.
Hi. I'm jillian.

I've been told
I have magic hands.

I'm a masseuse.
Oh.

Why do you keep rubbing
your forearm like that?

Oh, I-I had a suitcase
land on me.
Oh, let me see.

I've got a great new trick
I want to show you.

Oh!
Ooh,
I can do tricks, too.

This spot's connected
to your tongue.

Oh. Ohh!

Can I stow your bag
for you?

Mm.
No, we'll be needing this.

Trashy magazines.

Oh, you're the best.

Ooh.
Caramel truffles.

I even brought
an extra fluffy neck pillow.

Oh!

Oh, this must be
what a mother's hug feels like.

Well, it looks like she's taking
good care of you.

Well,
she is my best friend.

Listen to me, julio.

I want the gutters
cleaned today, not ma?ana.

If everyone thought
my people were lazy,

I would do whatever it took
to not seem lazy.

Comprende?

Actually,
we're gonna take off soon,

So we're gonna need you
to turn off your phone.

I'm actually not done talking,
and two more.

Well, if I were you,

I'd put down the burrito
and get up that ladder.

What are you doing
standing there

And not getting drinks for me
and my good friend, Claire?

Actually, we just met.
Mm.

Oh, guys, guys,

I can't let you do the cleanup
all by yourselves.

Ronaldo will help you.

Of course!

I need her keys to start
loading the gifts in her car.

I think she's changing sammy
in our room.

I hope she's also changing
those drapes.
Oh!

I don't want to sound like
a sentimental softy,

But does anyone miss

The drunken whore
she used to be?

Oh, I like the new sal.

Turns out, all she needed to
bring out her maternal instinct

Was a little baby.

I don't buy it.
No, something's up.

You do remember her suggesting
we chuck Lily into the ocean.

Oh, Mitchell, calm down.
Babies change people.

Like you used to be
a judgmental cynic,

And then Lily...
Oh, wait.

You guys,
sal's not back there.

Sal?
The drapes still are.

Well, that's weird.
Her car's gone.

What?!

Let's not jump
to conclusions.

In this neighborhood,
her car could have been stolen.

Well, you know,
she did seem frazzled.

May... maybe she forgot
to say goodbye.

Oh, and forgot
all of her presents.

And forgot her baby.

You don't think that there's
any way that she would...

N-no.

I-I can't even say it.

I can.

That gin-soaked tart
abandoned the little bastard.

Oh, st...

What?
He's fatherless.

Am I wrong?

Okay, I've called sal
five times,

And she still hasn't picked up.

I knew this whole "earth mother"
thing was an act.

Oh, maybe we should
use our happy voices

When we're accusing a mommy

Of abandoning her
little baby boy.

Ugh.
This is a true disaster.
Isn't it?

Someone put a spanish roof

On what is clearly
a mid-century ranch.

Oh, no.

Someone just went
numero two.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

And the aftershocks
are still rolling in.

Here's her diaper bag.
And... What's...

Oh, no. This...
Uh, h-here's a note.

"I'm sorry
to leave this way.

"I'm not proud of it,

"but I just can't do this
anymore.

Goodbye. Sal."

it's getting harder and harder

To keep a positive spin
on this.

Here. Have some cheese.

Oh, no. Thank you.
I'm... I'm good.

Oh, my.

That is
strong.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey.
What are you staring at?

It's french cheese.

Costs more than you make
in a week.

Okay, you might want
to keep your voice down.

Claire.
Yeah?

That guy over there
is checking you out!

I don't think he is.

My friend Claire would like
to meet you in the bathroom.

No.
I-I did not say that.

Claire, why do you do that
to yourself?

You are so pretty.

Hey, Phil,
what time is it?

What's wrong?

My watch is go...
Edward, what did you do?

Jillian, what's your, uh,
middle initial?

"C," for catherine.

And, Phil, uh, what age were you
when you first kissed a girl?

12 cousin,
14 non-cousin.

Let's stick
with non-cousin.

I think if you go to 14c,
seat right over there,

You'll wind up
with what you're looking for.

It works on battery,

But, oh, my god,
I'm excited!

Excuse me.

Phil. It's me.
Oh, hey.

What are you doing
back here?
I need a break

From the woman
I'm sitting next to up there.

She is the worst person
on earth.
I'm sorry.

I was hoping she might be a
little less aggressive with you.

Do you mind switching with me
for a little while?

Oh, honey, you don't want to.
It's hell back here, too.

I'm squished between
this fat lady

Who keeps digging
into my elbow

And this huge,
sweaty dude

Who won't stop blabbing on
about his job.

Oh.

Well, could I get a hug?
I could really use one.

Sure thing. Oops.
They want us back in our seats.

I didn't hear
the little ding.

Your ears
must be plugged.

Whoa!
Did you feel that?

No, I-I-I didn't
feel anything.

This is scary.
You should go back.

Amazing.

Thank you.

Sorcerer!

Not bad.
I felt that one.

So good, Manny.

All right,
really let one go this time.

Thinks about how mad
this guy makes you.

What's his name?
Gideon.

Oh, geez.

All right,
think about what he did to you.

I'd rather not
talk about it.

I don't know why you're smiling.
Your fennel's burnt.

Whereas I made
a perfect butternut squash.

That's just butter.

Oh, yeah, I-I totally forgot
the nut squash!

Oh!

Snap it.
Snap it. Good.

More. Good.
I'm done.

I'm not fighting anymore.
It's not worth it.

But you're doing so good.

You just have to turn
your shoulder first

So that you can throw
your weight behind your punch.

If you want.

I already think
that you're very tough.

This is all Jay's idea.

All right. Come on, kid.
Show 'em who's boss.

No.

I'm more of a lover
than a fighter.

Well,
that's the goal, anyway.

Ay, okay, papi,
whatever you decide.

Don't let him leave
this room!
Ow, ow, ow!

Maybe you should teach him
how to hit.

Oh, my god.
Check it out.

Rose got your breakup text
and wrote back.

She mad.

What?
Give me that.

"Thanks for the dumbest
breakup text ever.

"Don't call a girl awesome,
then break up with her.

"If I'm so great,
why'd you dump me?

Get over yourself,
you insensitive troll"?

What is her problem?
She can't talk to you like that.

She's not.
She's talking to you.

I can't believe
I ever liked this girl.

Our text was compassionate
and respectful.

There was nothing dumb
about it.

A million percent.

What are you doing?
Oh.

This crazy bitch just messed
with the wrong crazy bitch.

Whoo, whoo, whoo,
dee, doo!

This is unreal.

We always knew
sal was unstable,

But how could she
do this?

We don't know
that she's done anything.

Okay, let's just suppose
for a second

That she's on a plane
to cabo.

What then?

Maybe this is part of
a bigger plan.

You know,
maybe the reason

We didn't adopt
another baby after Lily

Was because god wanted us
available for sammy.

Who is this god
that denies us a baby,

Then gets a party girl
pregnant,

Only to have her desert the baby
so that we can finally get one?

The same god
that impregnated a virgin,

Sent moses down the river
in a basket,

And commanded abraham
to stab his own son.

God only does
weird baby stuff.

There is part of me that would
love to keep this little guy

And raise him the way
sal was pretending to.

Exactly.
Lily could have a baby brother.

But there are systems
in place here.

You can't just keep him like
a bunny you found in the yard.

That's crazy.
Aww.

Listen,
we discussed it,

And we think
we should take the kid.

Ee!
What should we call him?

Not sure,
but definitely not sammy.

Sammy saltzman
sounds so silly.

We can
overhand shuffle,

And we can
riffle shuffle...

but, you know,

There is no escape
from the angry...

Queen.
What?

Phil.
What are you doing?

Making the best
of a bad situation?

Why is that woman
rubbing your shoulders?

Oh, uh,
jillian is a masseuse,

And this, of course,
is edward legrand.

Pleasure
to meet you.

Now, if you could just give me
my ace of spades back...

This is why you had to race back
to your hellish seat...

For back rubs
and card tricks?

Do you have any idea what
I'm going through up there?

She clipped her toenails

Because her "oriental girl"
didn't do it right.

Claire, I'm sorry.

But I need you to check
your pocket.

Insanity!

Thank you very much.

Don't be mad at me.

You're the one
who grabbed that seat.

That was
a pretty selfish move.

Yeah,
I did grab that seat,

Because I spent the entire
weekend being selfless,

And you didn't even
thank me once.

Why would I thank you for
giving you an awesome weekend?

Awesome?

You spent the whole weekend
rehashing stories

About itchy, rusty,
and loveboat.

How is that fun for me?!

They were always
getting into stuff!

I Came back here
for some compassion,

And all you did was lie to me
and blow me off

So you could keep
having your fun

While I suffer up there
in first class!

Oh, my heart goes out
to you.

Oh, stick it, kreskin.

I'm sitting next to
a cheese-eating racist.

I'm sorry about your card.

Yeah, uh...

Don't be.

Son of a...

All right.

I'll be back...
Pick you up at 6:00.

Now, remember,
what did I teach you?

Violence solves everything,

And don't wind my fist up
like popeye.

It's not violence.
It's self-defense.

You cannot let this kid
keep pushing you around.

Now, you walk in there
like a badass,

And you make the best damn
lasagna anybody's ever seen.

I appreciate the speech, Jay,
but I'll handle things my way.

Kid, one more thing.

Don't forget
the garlic bread.

Because without that...
I-I get it.

Hey, delgado.

Manny, I'm talking to you.
You want a piece of this?

Ow!
What was that for?

Looks like I gave you
a piece of this.

What the hell?

I was just offering you
some apple crumble!

What? You were not.

Yes, I was!
I felt bad about teasing you.

My therapist said

I was acting out
because of my parents' divorce,

So I was trying to be nice.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't know!

Good shot, kid!

That'll teach you
who to pick on, you punk...

Not my boy!

He learned how to punch
from the best.

His parents
are getting divorced,

And he made me that dessert
as an apology.

This whole thing
was your mother's idea.

Ronaldo, you grab
the roller thingy, and, uh...

Oh! I'll grab
that big mesh cage.

All right.
Everybody, stop.

You can't just keep
a baby

Like it's some rabbit
you found in the yard.

There are systems
in place.
Wow.

He has to stay
somewhere tonight, no?

Yeah,
how about right here,

Because we know how
to raise a child?

Oh, please.

We'll dress him
and feed him,

And conchetta can handle
the poopy stuff.

I gave her obamacare.
It's the least she can do.

We all want
what's best for the baby.

Y-you're very nice people,
but we've done this before.
Mm-hmm.

So?
It's our turn.

I wanted a child
for some time now.

My biological clock
is ticking.

That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.

Is it? I'm 44.
Or that is.

You are one mean lady.

We're not leaving
without felipe.

Well, then,
you're not leaving.

Fine!

Did we settle on
"felipe"?

Phil.

Honey,
what are you doing?

One second.

So, I have 20 fur coats
in my closet,

But I'm the only one
of my friends

Who even
wears them anymore,

So you tell me
who's endangered.

Jillian's waiting for you
in my seat

To give you
a little back rub.

You didn't have to be
so great this weekend.

But you were,
so thank you.

And I should have
said that earlier.

Mwah!

Go enjoy
the rest of your flight.

I'll deal with this.

"Deal with this"?

I'm a state senator's
mistress.

You're my hero.

Wipe your feet
before you come in!

Listen to that.

First thing out of her mouth,
she's telling us what to do.

Well,
that stops today.

We go in strong.
We hold our ground.

We let her know
she's done pushing us around.

Manny,
why are you home so early?

Did you let him
skip school?

No, mom.

I was kicked out

For punching
a really misunderstood kid,

Thanks to you.

Thanks to me?
What, did...

I told him everything.

And you know
what we realized?

There is a bully in our life,
and it's you.

You make the rules,
you boss us around,

And we're not gonna take it
anymore.
Mm. Yeah.

Ah, look at you two,

Standing up
to the big, scary bully

That loves you
and protects you

And wants you to be safe
in this world.

You're just tiny, little men
to me right now,

And you need to leave this house
and come back with more respect!

And a pizza.

Oh, what?

You need to go first
and check on your mascara?

We do need to eat.
Yeah.

I wouldn't mind
some pizza.

We're not getting
any pineapple.

You are
getting pineapple!

We're taking it off
our slices.

Don't waste any food,
Jay!

I think we made our point.
Totally.

We'll get our own pizza...
Eat it in the car.

Give me one reason

Why sammy should stay here
tonight instead of with us.

Because
we're experienced parents.

We have a crib!

We have a pediatrician.
Our house is babyproofed.

Our house was in
architectural digest.

Ronaldo, please,
you're not helping.

They don't know
what that is.

How can you even fit another
child in this shoe box?

You're poor!

We have a beautiful house
with a big yard

Where he could throw the ball
with the gardener.

Okay, look.

If anybody's gonna adopt sammy,
it's gonna be us.

Oh!

Whoa!
Do I have any say in this?

Sal!
Oh, well, you're back.

What the hell
are you four doing?

You walked out of here and left
your baby without saying a word,

So maybe we'll be asking
the questions.

I told john john
where I was going.

The drunkest guy
at the party.

Excuse me
for not wanting

To interrupt
your fierce debate...

"who's hotter, mr. Clean
or the brawny paper towel man?"

Mr. Clean.
Brawny paper towel guy.

We're not
going back there.

That still doesn't explain
why you would leave

In the middle
of your own baby shower.

I got freaked out when jotham
mentioned the blackhawks.

Every time.
I hear it every time.

Sammy's dad is on the team,
okay?

And he didn't know
sammy existed...

At least not until I just went
down there and I told him.

Oh, gosh. What happened?
How did he take it?

It turns out
he's married.

Yeah, I could have googled that.
So he's out.

And you thought
I deserted my own baby?

You did leave.

And then what...
What's up with this note, huh?

Look...
"I'm sorry to leave this way.

I'm not proud of it,
but I just can't do this."

This diaper bag

Is just a recycled purse
from my single days!

I got a lot of these notes
lying around for quick getaways.

You guys don't think
that I can do this, do you?
No!

We always thought
you could do it.
I certainly don't.

We don't think
you can't do it.
Shut up!

I don't think
I can do it, either!

Oh, sal.

I mean, it's just

So hard.

I feel so guilty that he doesn't
have a dad in the picture.

I don't know. I'm trying
to do everything perfectly.

It's exhausting.

And I haven't had sex
in like a year.

- Oh!
- Oh.

This little dude...

He's the one thing in my life
that I cannot mess up.

I just wish I could
give him a dad.

Well...
What about us?

We could be
sammy's dad.
All of us.

Yeah, sal,
we love you,

And we're always here for you...
Whatever you need.

Except we'll be in capri
all of July.

Seriously, sal,

You and sammy
will never be alone.

You guys are so sweet.

Wait.
June's no good, either.

I'm getting my neck done.

Oh, my god!
What did you do?!

We stuck up for you.

Yeah,
rose had it coming.

She can't talk to you
the way we do.

Well, rose forwarded
your text to sarah,

And now sarah doesn't want
to go out with me.

Give me that phone.

What did this skank sarah
say to you?

Huh.

Mm, yeah. Ouch.
Good opening.

That's so funny!
We totally deserved that.

Totally!
Good sense of humor.

Mm.
Oh, my god.
I love her.

Me, too.

Don't worry, Luke.
We're gonna win her back.

We're just g...

Luke?

You think maybe
we need dates of our own?

So bad.