Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - Rash Decisions - full transcript

When Phil thinks Luke is giving him the cold shoulder. Andy becomes Phil's new right-hand man. Meanwhile, Jay may have to give Stella away because Joe is allergic to her, and Mitchell savors being the popular guy in the office.

We're back!

Funniest thing--

Stella fell in love
with this dog on our walk,

just stared at it lovingly.

Turned out to be
her reflection in a hubcap.

Can you blame her?

I got an "A" on my history exam,
by the way.

Really, you're competing
with the dog?

Don't let it bother you, girl.

Jay, we need to talk.

I went to an allergist today,

and he thinks that Joe's rash
is an allergy.

What a surprise--
an allergist found an allergy.

He thinks he might be
allergic to Stella.


The only reaction this dog
gives people is the giggles.

I mean, when she tried to lick
her own face...

In my village,
if a goat acted that dumb,

we wouldn't even eat it.

This allergy thing
is very serious.

We need to separate them
for a week

to see if the rash goes away.

I don't know if I can go
that long without seeing Joe.

Not Joe! The dog!

I already called
Mitch and Cameron.

They're gonna take her.

For a week?!

She'll be traumatized!
She's very sensitive!

She scrapes her butt
on the driveway.

Why don't you like her?

She's never
done anything to you.

Ay, look!
My face cream!

Do you know
how much this costs?

No. How much?

Don't change the subject!

The dog goes now!

You know,
now that I think about it,

I could be allergic to Stella.

I've been a little stuffy
since we got her.

You were stuffy
long before Stella.

Do you not remember scolding
that waiter at Chuck E. Cheese

for serving you from the right?





European... Gothic?

Andy, it's the castle
from "Frozen."

I'm sorry,
but you're not ready.


To hear that you're ready!

Congratulations, assistant!

I'm moving you
up to the next level.

[ Chuckling ] Holy cow.

That was
an emotional thrill ride.

This Sunday,

you are manning the open house
of the Cape Cod on Linden.

That means
you're gonna be sticking

the sign and the balloons
on the corner,

you're gonna be turning on
all the lights,

you're gonna be baking
all the brownies.

I will make you proud, sir.

What else are you gonna do?

I will make sure
people sign in.

What else?

When I show someone
the master bedroom,

I'll say, "This is where
the magic happens."

- I'm sold!
- Yes!

Hey, buddy. I got to hit
the mall a little later.

You wanna grab a couple of chair
massages till they kick us out?

Nah. I'm gonna go hang out
with some of my friends.


Have fun.

Teenagers, huh?

Yeah, it's been happening
more and more, but it's natural.

Kids that age want distance.

One day, they're holding
your hand so tight it hurts.

The next day, they're eating
the apple you kind of wanted.

Not me.

I never turned down an offer
to hang with my dad.

Luckily for him, he died before
my rebellious teenage years.

[ Doorbell rings ]

That must be
grandpa with Stella.

Remember, Lily, she's only
gonna be here for a week,

she's not gonna be
our permanent pet.

Don't tell me, tell Larry.

He's been acting jealous
all day.

You're being crazy!

- Hey, dad.
Cameron: - Hey, Jay.

There's our precious
little houseguest.

Okay, guys, listen up.

She gets three walks a day.

Keep her off the bed.
We're training her.

No chicken bones.
If she starts to wheeze--

Wow. Remember when you dropped
me off at summer camp?

You barely slowed down the car.

You never had a condition that
made it difficult to breathe.

I was a closeted gay kid
at sports camp.

I spent the week
in mid-faint.

Lily, don't forget to give
Stella lots of belly rubs.

Grandpa, this is coming

at a really bad time
for me and Larry.

Okay, well, now,
don't you worry

about Wily not woving you yet.

Aw, who's the little
weeble wobble?

- [ Smooches ]
- [ Chuckles ]

- I can't watch this.
- Okay. Bye, dad.

Oh, I don't know.
I guess in my free time,

I like to keep up
with the latest discoveries

in renewable energy.

[ Laughs ]

Just think, a few more months

and you'll never
have to deal with this again.

You know, I don't mind
college interviews.

I actually like discussing
the things that they--

[ Sighs ]
I was talking to the mirror.

I know all you had to do
to get in your college

was like their Facebook page,

but this is Princeton.

I have to show them
that I'm a serious thinker,

and you could be
a bit more supportive.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

Your outfit's perfect.


If you're applying
to Lumberjack School.

[ Sighs ]

And majoring in having your cats
eat you when you die.

[ Giggles ]

Well, hello.

How was your first day
back in the closet...


That doesn't make any sense.
I've never worked here before.

It's just a gay joke, Mitchell.
Don't overthink it.

You settling in?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you know,
I'm in jeans and I'm at work--

I feel like a mechanic.
[ Chuckles ]

I am looking forward

to doing a few days of freelance
legal work for my dad

because, uh, where I work,

I've gotten
the unfair reputation

of being the office nag,
which is...

See, it's only because
I work with a bunch of slobs.

I mean, I must tell these people
50 times a day--

"Wipe down the microwave,"
"Clean the coffee pot,"

"Whose moldy lunch meat
is this, Kevin?"

So, did they put up
much of a fight

when you asked
for that time off, or...?

Yeah, it's so nice and casual here.

I can't wait
to get my chill on.

What are you doing?

Hm? What?
This is me.

No, it's not.

For the next few days it is.

When I leave here,

men will want to be me,
women will want to shop with me.

Have you ever thought of trying
to be nicer at your regular job?

I mean, I've had to learn

how to balance
being a friend and a manager.

You could call it
being a "franager."

But I don't have to, right?

Yes, you do.

I am your boss.
You have to do everything I say.

Okay, all right,
here comes Lucy.

She's new, and dad
wants me to talk to her

about the way she dresses.

He says it's distracting.

Watch and learn.
Lucy's about to get franaged.

Oh, good, it's a verb, too.

Hey, Luce.

Oh, hi, Ms. Dunphy.

Oh, no, come on.
Please, my dad is Ms. Dunphy.

I'm just Claire.
[ Chuckles ]

So, listen, if you were looking
for some clothes for work,

Nordstrom's having
a fabulous sale.

I picked up this appropriate
little number there.

Well, I'll have to check
that out.

- Great.
- Thanks.


See what I just did there?

I got to get back to work.
Do you want to have lunch later?

Aren't you going to
The Pasta Factory with the gang?

Oh, is it somebody's birthday?

I-I don't know.

Uh, something
they do on mondays.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
Uh, Pasta Factory Monday.

I knew that.

Doesn't seem like you did.

Break time's over.
Get your work done.

Looks like someone has an issue
with anger franagement.

Let 'er rip!

What a cannon!


- 58 miles per hour.
- Wait. What?!

- Yes!
- What are you guys doing?

When we were at the mall, we got this baseball
that shows you how fast you throw it.

You guys went
to the mall together?

Yes, we sure did.

And we got the free portrait
at Sears to prove it.

We should scan that bad boy
before it gets ruined.

Um... bye?

You're outta there!

- Milady, for you.
- Thanks.

Looking good there, haircut!

Ah, there he is!
There's my karaoke partner.

Hey, listen, next time you're
ebony, I'm ivory, all right?

Two days down, one to go,

and everybody in the office
still loves the new me.

Go ahead,
leave a dirty coffee filter.

Oh, park askew.

Laid-back Mitchell
doesn't mind.

You know, it is really nice

to be liked for who you
really are pretending to be.

[ Laughing ] All right.

I'm gonna see you tonight
at Ronna's party, right?

- Okay.
- What party?

Aw, the two saddest words
in the English language.

Nah, it's no big deal.

We're just stopping by
a bar after work,

have some beer, some hot wings.

- Look at me.
Claire: - No, it's cool.

This is my fault.

When I first started here,

somebody asked me to do
something and I said no,

and now they think
I'm not interested.

Yeah, that's probably it.

I might
drop by this one, though.

I think people
would appreciate it.

No, you can't go.

What? Why not?

Well, you know
how y-you think

- that you're their boss and their friend?
- Uh-huh.

You're one of those things.

Oh, my God.
They hate me.

No. Lots of people
like you.

Like who?

Uh, well, me. I do.

- Yeah?
- And, um, the, uh...


Dad's a big fan.

How's my little angel?

- Not great today.
- I'm settling in.

Not you two--

Oh, she's fine.

Cam's taking great care of her.

Is she getting enough walks?

Cam comes home
from work at lunch,

takes her
right to the dog park.

In fact, he's there
with her right now.

Not the one on Barrington.

'Cause there's an unsnipped chow
always tries to hump her silly.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, hi,
Mr. Pritchett.

Hey, Lucy.

Lucy likes you.

Hey, Claire,
check out my new shirt.

I have you to thank.

Oh, no, that's all you.
[ Chuckles ]

You were supposed
to talk to her

- about storing those zeppelins
in a hangar. - I did!

Well, do it again. Louder.
This is a place of business.

She needs to throw a tarp
over those bounce houses.

Dad, I think you're
the one who's being offensive.

It's my company.
Take care of it.

[ Dogs barking ]

[ Ringtone plays ]


What dog park are you at?

Good afternoon
to you, too, Jay.

Stella and I are at Rancho.

Thank God.

Keep your eye out
for randy chows.

The figure skater?

Just keep Stella's safe.

Jay, she's fine.
She's having a great time.

I'm gonna send you

a hilarious picture
I just took of her.

She's never looked happier.

Probably just being polite.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

What the hell am I looking at?

Oh, God, w-what--
what did I send you?

What's that thing
around her neck?

Oh, phew.
Uh, that is just a new collar.

Her old one was looking
a little tattered.

Don't go buying her presents!

She's still my dog.

You're a glorified kennel.

It's just a fun little collar
that I bejeweled.

What's next? You gonna
dress her in fishnets,

put her in a window
in Amsterdam?

- Just keep it casual!
- [ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh, my God.
You're such a slut.

Oh, I love it.

Mm. Nothing,
I'm just taking my sister

to a college interview
at a coffee shop.

Ugh. I know, right?

Oh, I totally forgot to tell you
what happened last night.

Lisa, Enzo, and I
were at a bar in Echo Park,

and Enzo was like,

"My dream is to run the bases
at Dodger Stadium."

So I'm like,
"Screw it, let's do it."

So, Lisa tucks her hair up
to a baseball cap,

and we convince the grounds
keeper that she's Justin Bieber

and that "Justin"
will take a picture with him.

And it worked!

No, you shut up!
That's not even the best part.

Enzo starts running the bases,
and he whips his shirt off.

And Lisa gets caught up in it
and takes off her shirt.

- [ Sighs ]
- And the grounds keeper's like,

"Whoa, you're not
Justin Bieber."

So he starts
chasing us around with a rake.

I know!

Oh, wait.
Who is that?

Denise? Put that dirty hooker
on the phone.

Hey, girl. Did I tell you
what happened last night?

So, Enzo said that his dream

was to run the bases
at Dodger Stadium,

- and I was like, "Screw it, let's do it."
- Oh, my God!

Do you ever stop talking?!

I am sitting here
trying to mentally prepare

for one of the most important
moments of my life,

so can you please just shut up?

- [ Scoffs ] I know, right? Ohh.
- [ Sighs ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

All right, looks like
they're finishing up.

I should probably go in now.

Ooh, tell her cute dress--
Nanette Lepore, fall collection.

Great. I'll open with,
"Cute dress."

[ Scoffs ]

- Cute dress.
- [ Door slams ]

Andy, 36 hours
to the open house.

You ready?

- I was born ready.
- [ Chuckles ]

Actually, that's not true.

I was two months premature,

weighed three and a half

I'm a little nervous.

There's only one way
to get over that--

mock open house!

- Starting in five... four...
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, business card!

[ Doorbell rings ]

You're not Andy.

Sorry to disappoint you.

I'm here!

Come on in.

Thank you.

What's happening?

I was about to give
Mr. Dunphy here

a tour of this
beautiful open house.

I do not know who Mr. Dunphy is,
although he sounds cool.

I'm just a handsome plastic
surgeon relocating from Tucson.

- Hmm.
- And I'm his son.

Good idea.
Pretend to be my son.

So, is this the kitchen?

Great question.
Yes, it is.

Fully updated
with an open floor plan,

perfect for large families.

Do you and the missus
have other kids?

Nope, just me,
so it's way too big.

You seem terrible at your job.

I don't know.

You seem like a family
with a lot of friends.

It's great for entertaining.

How diverse
is the neighborhood?

I only ask because I'm married

to a beautiful
African-American woman.

I can't say who, but you
may know her from "Avatar."

This neighborhood
has a wonderful mix

of different cultures
and ethnicities.

- Ooh, sounds dangerous.
- Luke...

Here's all
you need to know--

in the last two years,
home values in this neighborhood

have increased
by twice the city average.

It's quiet. It's safe.

I can't think of a better place

to raise a beautiful
mixed-race family.

I'm gonna have to have
a quick conversation with Zoe,

but I think you
just sold a house.

- Yes!
- [ Chuckles ]

Is this finally done?

'Cause, dad, I was thinking
maybe you and I

could put on tuxedos
and test-drive Rolls-Royces.

Aw, Luke, I'm sorry.
I wish I could,

but I already promised Andy
I'd teach him how to tie a tie.

Come on, buddy.
I got a song and everything.

I have to let you know,

my neck is
extraordinarily ticklish.

You don't say.

Don't you dare.

- [ Laughs ]
- Don't. Don't!

- Get over here!
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

It was so nice
to meet you, Gita.

I'll be sure to send you that
recording of my bassoon solo.

- You'd better!
- [ Both laugh ]

[ Ringtone plays ]

Could you kill me
over the phone?

Oh, my God.
These kids are all the same.

Please tell me

we weren't this aggressively
boring when we applied.

It's all debate team,
orchestra, AP, GPA.

I wanted to smack one of them
in her smug little face,

but I'm pretty sure
she was a robot.

I can't believe
I'm missing spinning for this.

[ Chuckles ]
Hi. I'm Alex Dunphy.

I got to go.

[ Snidely ] Oh, great.
Have a seat. I'm Vanessa.

Would you like some coffee?

No, thanks, but I actually have
a crazy fact about coffee--

bees love caffeine
because it's found in nectar,

but I don't know
that much about bees's,

as you can see
from my transcript.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles weakly ]

So, I see here that
you're on the debate team

and you play the cello.

Yes, but I am
so much more than that.

I'm also a part
of the French club.

[ Flatly ]
Tell me more.

[ Sighs ]

I'm so sorry
for wasting your time.

This was a big mistake.

I'm probably not
Princeton material anyways.

I mean, I spent
most of last night

in the back of a squad car.

Wait, what?

Well, crazy story--

my friend Enzo's dream was to
run the bases at Dodger Stadium.

And I was just like,
"Screw it, let's do it."

Oh, by the way, cute dress.

Is that a Nanette Lepore?

- Oh, my God, yes. Good eye.
- [ Chuckles ]

So, what happened next?

Well, then my friend Lisa tucks
her hair up into a baseball cap,

and we convince the grounds
keeper that she's Justin Bieber

and that "Justin"
will take a picture with him.

Oh, my God.

You're so naughty.
I love it.

[ Laughs ]
You know it, slut.

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

Aww, you're cooking us
a steak dinner-- how sweet.

Yeah, I came home from work
early to cook us dinner.

That's crazy.

This is for Stella.

Ay, Jay...

You don't know what I'm
competing with over there.

Cameron's wooing her

with belly rubs, jewelry,
kisses on the mouth.

I just want her to remember
who loves her the most.

I don't think Stella
is ever going to forget

how much you love her,

no matter how much time

she needs to stay
with Mitch and Cam.

What are you talking about?
She's coming home Friday.

That's the thing.


The rash is gone.

Well, we don't know
that's Stella.

A lot of things cause rashes.

Maybe he's less stressed
this week than last.

What's going on?

We have to get rid of Stella.

Slow down.
We haven't decided anything yet.

Yes, we have.
It's what's best for Joe.

And for whatever it's worth,
my eyes have stopped itching,

I can taste my food,
and I have more energy.

You took a three-hour nap

I was tired from the marathon.

The "Downton Abbey" marathon?

That family is exhausting.

I can't believe this.

Ah, Jay, I'm so sorry.

Maybe you can get a fish!

'Cause it's so much cuter
driving down the road

with your fish's head
sticking out the window.


Oh, my God.

Are you here
for another lecture?

Because you made your point
loud and clear.

I'm keeping it casual.

I haven't even looked
at Stella this morning.

Okay, do not read
too much into that--

I just took that off
one of Lily's teddy bears.

It's fine.

I'm glad you guys
are spoiling her,

because I won't
be able to anymore.

Joe's allergic.


Yeah, and I figured since
she likes you so much,

maybe you guys could keep her.

Well, I mean, if that's
what's best for everyone.

Maybe you better
check with Mitch first?

He'll deal.

I made her a steak.


- And this is her daybed.
- Oh.

I guess I better say goodbye.

Hi, sweetie.

I want to talk to you.

Now, honey,

you're gonna live here
from now on.

Don't give me that look.

It wasn't anything you did.

You've been the best dog
I could ever have asked for,

and I love you very much.


stay away from cars...

don't eat anything pointy...

and be a good girl.



I didn't think I'd get
through that without crying.

[ Voice breaking ]
Me neither.

[ Sniffles ]

Hey, dad, check out this video.

It's a teacup pig
playing a piano.

[ Laughing ] I saw that.
Andy sent it to me.


That's what I thought, but then
Andy and I did some digging.

It turns out
pigs are crazy musical.

[ Chuckles ]
Good ol' Andy.

Is something up, buddy?

[ Sighs ]

I said "No" one time.

And suddenly it's all
"Andy this" and "Andy that."

Well, I didn't
mean anything by it.

It just seemed like you needed
some space, so I gave it to you.

I get it.

You're at that age
when you want to separate.

Yeah, I separate from you,

not the other way around.

Maybe I don't want to do dumb
stuff with you all the time,

but... [Sighs]

That doesn't mean
you get to replace me.


Are you kidding me?
I could never replace you.

If it were up to me,
we'd do everything together.


Yeah, I'd go
to college with you.

We'd-- we'd be roommates.
We'd try to join a frat.

None of them would take us.
We'd start our own.

Oh, my God.
That sounds amazing.

Why wouldn't they take us?

Well, yeah, they'd take me,
but I'd be like,

"No way, Bradley, not without
my little pal, here."

I have mixed feelings
about that, dad.

Do you have mixed feelings
about a hug?

[ Scoffs ] Yes.

Well, I need one, so I guess
I'm gonna go hug Andy.

[ Sighs ] Fine.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

Hey, Judy,
that was a hilarious e-mail.

Pickles are better than men.

[ Laughter ]
Did you get that? It was so--

Have you done any work
since you came here?

I'm working the room.

Ah, there he is.
Sport Coat.

[ Laughing ]
Sport Coat?

I can't believe these idiots
think you're funny.

Okay. You know,
I have a theory

why people here don't like you.

[ Sighs ] I know why
they don't like me.

It's 'cause dad makes me do
all his dirty work.

Look at this list of people
I'm supposed to reprimand today.

Let's see here. Um...

Well, he does have a point--
Glen does smell.

I'm gonna start
with Lucy--

Lucy, the last person
who likes me.

Oh, it's okay.

Um, hey, Luce.

Hey, Claire. I got you one
of those cookies that you like.

Oh, don't make this harder
than it has to be.

- Is there something wrong?
- Yes.

It's not easy
for me to discuss, but, um--

Um, Claire, I got this.

It's my complaint.
I got it.

- Um, Lucy...
- Mm-hmm.'re at work,
so please dress like it.

These "tops" that you wear
are completely inappropriate.

Sorry to offend you.

You know what? Um...

while I'm at it,
uh, Glen, shower more often.

stop using "Reply all."

A-and, Doris, no one cares about
what you dreamt about last night.

Let's keep in mind this is
a place of business, folks,

all right?

This feels good.

Is there a Carl?!

Wow! Lawyers.
[ Scoffs ]

Am I right, Sport Coat?
[ Scoffs ]

That's not Sport Coat.


[ Door opens ]

Jay: I'm home.

Oh, hi.
How are you feeling?

I'll be fine.

Oh, Jay, I'm so proud of you.

You made a sacrifice today.

You did the right thing
for your son.

Look how happy he is.

I guess.

Wait a minute.

- What's that on his neck?
- What?

His rash came back.

Ay, no.

[ Gasps ]

You must have
some Stella on you.

No, no, I went to straight
to the club after.

Took a shower, maybe cried
a little bit in there,

changed clothes to make sure.

Plus, I just got here.

A rash would take longer
to come out.

[ Sniffs ]
What's that smell?

- What smell?
- It smells like flowers or something.

I didn't get any flowers.

I smell something, Gloria.
What's new around here?

The fact that you
noticed something.

It's you.

- What's new?
- What?

Perfume, lipstick?

[ Sniffs ]
I'm getting lavender with,

I want to say rose hips.

It's your face cream!

I did buy some more
this morning, but--

The same kind
that Stella was eating

before Joe's rash cleared up?

And now you're wearing it again,
and his rash is back?

No, it can't be my face cream!

Ay, please don't make me
say goodbye to my face cream!

Stella was eating it
to save Joe!

But that still doesn't explain

why I'm still feeling
so much better.

I can breathe
for th--

Stella's coming home a hero!

[ Door opens, closes ]

Lily, can you
come out here, please?

Why do we have to do this?

Because she's become
attached, Jay.

She's even sleeping
with her now.

- Hi, grandpa.
- Hi, honey.

Lily, do you remember
how I said

Stella was going be
staying with us from now on?

Well, it turns out...

she's gonna go
home with grandpa.


Lily, it's important
to express your feelings.

Don't bottle them up.

Okay. Yay!

I can finally sleep with without
her all over snoring!

I've had enough.
Handle her over.

Come here, baby.

What is that?

Please, don't make fun of me.

I'm very vulnerable right now.

Can you get me one?