Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Larry's Wife - full transcript

Mitchell leaves the wedding plans to Cam, who is busy preparing a cat funeral for Lily. Meanwhile, Phil tries to cater his real estate business to divorced women, and Gloria thinks her baby may be cursed.

I'm mad for you, Diane.

Roger's dating already?
O. M.G., I wonder if she's younger than him.

Can you hold on a second?

Lorraine, how's my favorite client?

I've been on something
of a hot streak at work.

I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients-
recently divorced moms.

You might say I hit
the single mother lode.

How about that master suite, huh?

Maybe if I had someone to share it with.

Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman
with a lot to offer.

Should we make an offer?

It's a great house,
but I'm just gonna be alone.

Diane, you're not gonna be alone.

You're gonna get a loan.

Sodas, snacks.
Poker game's in the basement.

Look, I need more sleep than you...

and ever since they cut down
that stupid prune tree...

the sun has been right in my eyes
every morning.

It's not a prune tree.
They pruned the tree.

And I'm not switching places with you...

so you should just put your head
at the other end of the bed.

Why? So my feet get the pillow?
And I'm the dumb one.

Diane, you have got to forget about him.

- Roger's Cheyenne's problem now.
- Honey-

You know what? You need to talk.
Starbucks for a little go juice?

- What is up?
- I need to go into the office.

My dad wants me to close out the monthly.

- What?
- Monthly. Never mind. Go on.

I'm stretched a little thin today,
so I need you to do the grocery shopping...

check in on the kids and maybe
clean up those branches in the front yard.

- Done and done.
- Is that an expression...

or did you really only remember
two of the things I said?

- The second.
- I'll leave you a message.



- Phil.
- Sorry. Call back.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

I have bad news, Jay.

Joe was thrown out of the Gymboree.

Again? What happened?

He pushed Mason. He made him cry.

The teacher said that we cannot go back.

That's ridiculous. Mason's a big baby.

Everybody there is a big baby.

But Joe plays very rough, and we know why.

it's the curse.

Not that I'd ever want to discourage you
from whispering- That's not a thing.

There is a mark of the devil in my family.

My great-great grandfather
was given the location...

of an emerald mine...

in exchange for his soul.

There's, like, paperwork
or something that proves this?

They say that the day of
his daughter's wedding...

a great bird came from the sky and snatched him
with his claws and took him far, far away.

You're aware that a remarkable number
of your stories end...

with a family member
being carried off by a giant bird.

I only know what I was told, Jay.

I'm just saying, after the third time...

we might think about
moving the party inside.

Okay, maybe it's not the curse, but you know
that my family has a very dark side.

My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief.

My Uncle Carlos fixed soccer games.

Did he teach them to pick the ball up
and throw it down the field?

'Cause that's the only way you fix soccer.

Manny escaped it,
but I am not sure about Joe.

Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher.

And so what if Joe's a little boisterous?

Whatever happened to letting
kids be themselves?

- Ready.
- Lose the hat.

I guess I'm supposed to see
Sound of Music in a regular hat.

Nothing against Sound of Music..

But there's a lot of other things
we could do this afternoon.

- You ever hear of Death Wish?
- Oh, I love Death Wish.

Manny, that's the charity
where the sick kids...

go to, like, a concert with Madonna...

or to the Super Bowl
with Justin Bieber or they-

No, no, no.
It's a movie. New York, '70s.

Charles Bronson's a firm family man-

Who's pushed to the limit
until one day he decides to fight back.

- You've seen it?
- It's called Death Wish.

I doubt it ends with him trading banter
in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

- Hey, fiancé.
- Hello, my intended.

- That one sounds a little murder-y.
- You are my intended.

Stop it. Stop it!

So, while you're out,
I'm gonna review our flower options.

And I have to say,
so far I'm partial to Floral and Hardy...

but I'm gonna give one last look
at Florist Gump.

You love a business with a clever name.

I do. Guilty.

Can I just say I love how this is going?

Mitchell and I agreed that I would be
in charge of the wedding...

after the tragic news
last week from the Andys.

Uh, not the mountain range. No.

Our friends Andrew and Andrew-
they broke up.

The stress of planning a wedding
was too much. They were quibbling about-


I mean- Which is why I'm just happy
to stay out of his way.

Yeah. I dream big, then I winnow down.

Dream big. Winnow down.

- Dream big.
- Okay, winnow down.

Yep. Stay out of my way. Sorry.

Daddy, where's Larry?

Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie.

They're- They're wanderers.

But I haven't seen him in days.

Well, he'll be back, okay?
Trust Daddy on this.


You know, I'm starting to get worried
that Larry might not come back.

- Oh, he's definitely dead.
- What?

Yeah, street meat or coyote chow.

We'll wait a couple weeks
and then we'll get a new Larry.

Uh, you're pretty nonchalant
about our family pet dying.

And shouldn't we help our daughter
process this loss?

Yes, we will, and she'll be fine.

And it's not nonchalant.

It's farm life. Death is everywhere.

You just learn to not get
too attached to anything.

So, what, if I were to die, you would just
wait a few weeks and then replace me?

Of course not.

Where would I find another gay Mitchell
with your exact markings?

What's happening, Big Al?

Yeah, let's go ahead
and veto that nickname.

Hey, Reuben taught me this cool trick.
Close your eyes.

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

You kissed a girl. Now we're even.
Just paying off a poker debt.

Luke's creepy friend just kissed me.

Ew, Reuben? That little weirdo?

- I'm still here.
- I'm gonna go boil my mouth.

Oh, hey, guys. Game is downstairs.

Hey. This little game you dorks play,
we talking milk money or heavy cream?

A lot of fresh bar mitzvah money
down there.

- Mind if I sit in?
- We kind of got a no-girls policy.

Is it a policy or just something
that keeps happening?

The second.

- Hey, honey.
- I am so excited, I can't stand it!

If you're gonna move your hands around
like that, you need to put the phone down.

Okay, okay, okay. For cocktail hour,
they're creating a running waterfall...

onto which they're going to project
a hologram of us embracing.

- But we're still winnowing, right?
- Already winnowed.

I cut the angel costumes.
Hard choices, Mitchell.

Okay, I got to go. I'm so excited!

Yeah, me too.

Best thing about my relationship with Cam?


Newsflash- I can be an obsessive person.

In the past, I've had trouble
letting someone else call the shots.

Giving up control made me crazy.

That's what makes
my life with Cam so freeing

I can turn over big things to him
and never give them a second thought.

Out of sight, out of mind


Phil! Oh. This is-

Oh! Oh, my God!

Phil? Phil!

Yeah, I was just sitting there,
and he basically molested me.

Excuse me?

- She's talking about Reuben.
- Who are you?

You boys better have money.
I am not doing this for free.

Wh-Wh-What's- What's happening?

Oh, I hear you, Joyce.
His time's important, your time isn't, right?

Let me buzz you back, superstar. Okay.

- Hey, honey.
- Branches are still in the front yard...

I just took a rake to the face,
Reuben is getting really weird on Alex...

and Haley's doing something for money
in the basement.

It's all gonna be fine.
Daddy's home, superstar.

No. Don't call me that.
I'm not one of your needy little divorcées.

Um, that is work.

Is it? 'Cause I kind of feel like part of you
loves being a hero to those women.

- I'm a helper of people.
- Mmm.

Hey, you knew what you signed up for
when you hitched your wagon to a Realtor man.

Honey, when I met you,
you were a wedding deejay.

By the way, Spinderfella, looks like
you still need to hit the grocery store.

I think someone's feeling neglected.

Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women.

But there's only one I'm married to.

You're getting too involved, Phil.

You are juggling these women,
and you're not that good a juggler.

Now you're just lashing out!

Hey, come here.

I didn't tell Jay,
but sometimes Joe even scares me.

Lucky for me, there are professionals...

that are trained
to deal with such problems.

Ay. thank you for coming, padre.

Oh, of course, Gloria.
And this must be Fulgencio.

- Mm-hmm.
- What a beautiful little boy.

He's such a sweet nature.

- I can tell he's a gentle soul.
- Sí.


Fulgencio, no, no. Ay. Ay.

¡Ay.! Sorry, padre.

Ay. that's why I called you, Father.

I think he's bad.
There is evil in my family.

Ah, Gloria, he's just a little baby.

Last week, his eyes got red,
and the dog backed away.

He probably just had a cold.
All mothers worry.

Look at him- rosy cheeks,
he's playing with his blocks.

The six again.

So Joe knocks one kid down, he's out.

All kids do that. Why do you think
your whole building is made out of Nerf?

Yeah, you see where he gets it from.

Hey, listen, I'm not afraid of you,
Miss Debbie.

You're not the- Damn it.

Sounds like someone needs
a relaxing trip to Nazi-occupied Austria.

Can't believe she hung up on me.

Well, you were yelling at her.

Standing up for yourself
is not the same thing as-

- Excuse me.
- Come on, Jay.

So no one ever taught you manners, huh?

- Whatever, dude.
- No, you bump into somebody, you apologize.

And since I'm teaching you
something here...

- here's a little class called "Intro to Pants."
- Jay, stop!

Get off me!

I go to school with those kids.
You know how embarrassing that was?

- Manny!
- No. Why do you always got to be like this-

judgmental, hot tempered, loud?

These are a few
of my least-favorite things.

Well, I can see that the house
speaks to you, Diane.

"Buy me." Not now, house.

- The open floor plan, the spacious kitchen.
- I do love it.

Yeah. Oh.

That's- That's the office. Why don't you
take one last look at the backyard?

Did someone say barbecue? "I did."

Lorraine, what is up?

Nothing. Just... kicking it at the office.

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down now.

Tell Phil what happened.

Phil, can I go in the garage?

Make yourself at home, sister.

Hey. That was my sister
who is visiting town...

and my office, which is where
I am calling you from.

You called me.

I'm worried about Larry.

Oh, honey, I know.

Where is he?

Um, Lily, there's probably
something I should tell you.

Larry's not coming back home.

- Why? Is he dead?
- Nope. Um, not dead.

Larry, uh, met someone,
fell in love and he got married.

- Are they ever going to visit?
- I'm afraid not, because when cats get married...

they have to move to, um, the forest...

and so then they're not tempted
by other cats in the city.

- It's Larry.
- I know.

Even people that you would never expect
have moments of weakness.

No, over there. But where's his wife?

Hello, Larry. Larry's back.

Yeah. Uh, well, you know what?

I think they probably, uh,
didn't work out and they broke up.

People get married and then break up?

What if that happens to you and Daddy?

Oh, you know what? Daddy made a mistake.

Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up.
Larry's wife... died.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

That's why we're gonna give him
the closure he needs...

by throwing, um, a funeral...

to celebrate the remarkable life
of Larry's wife.

it's gonna be great. You know what?

We're gonna have music. We're gonna get a shoe box.

We're gonna have candles.

Yes, hi, Florist Gump. it's me again.

It felt good
to handle that crisis on my own.

In the past, I would have had
to run to Mitchell...

but he's been trusting me more and more.

I'm so proud of him.
He's really learned to let things go.

Oh, no! God, no, no, no!


- What?
- It's a bloodbath down there.

- We lost everything.
- I thought you were good.

I always beat Dylan.
Come on, we need your help.

You're the best card player
in this family.

- What's in it for me?
- A chance to be a good sister.

- Pass. - Reuben's been telling
everyone you slipped him the tongue.


I thought cats had nine lives.

Yeah, and they do,
but Larry's wife was older than he was...

and she'd been married eight times before.

Like Elizabeth Taylor?

Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.

- Hey.
- Hey. Oh, Dylan.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

I need you to dig a hole right over here.
Thank you.

Oh, no problem.
So, Lily, I'm really sorry.

- How's Larry doing?
- Fine. He's a happy cat.

Oh, they're cats.

That's gonna make my job a lot easier.

Okay, everyone, thank you for coming.

It means a lot to Lily,
and it means a lot to me.


So, Larry's wife. What can I say?

She loved Larry. And, um, you know...

like all cat marriages,
they had their ups and their downs...

but they always landed on their feet.

Oh, hit a rock.

Oh, not a rock!

Okay, everybody! Please stay calm!

Please stay calm! No running! it's slip-
Angus, keep playing!


- Randall!
- Yeah?

I'm up here.

Mr. Pritchett!

This is all intern work.
It isn't for my band.

Need me to do a coffee run?

No. No, uh, listen.

I was- I was cleaning,
and I got stuck up here.

And I need you to go into my office
and stand up the ladder that fell.

Got it.

And I'm sorry about lying before.

Those are flyers for my band, The interns.


- Your door's locked.
- Oh, no.

But hey, I-I think,
if you keep going forward...

then back your legs out
through the vent...

I can grab them to help you down.

Oh, I don't know.
That makes me a little nervous.

Just think about something else. I heard
you're getting married. How's that going?

Oh, yeah, yeah. it's- it's good.

It's good.

You know, we're planning it right now.

Actually, it's being planned for me.

That's nice. No stress.

Oh, you'd think, huh?
But it's getting a little bit out of hand.

Oh, that happens with weddings.

Does it? I mean, how many weddings
have you been to...

that have something called a dove cannon?

You know, I think I should have a say
in something like that.

You need to let go, Mr. Pritchett.

I-i can't. I-I wish I could, but I can't.

I just- it's freaking me out.

No. I've- I've got you already.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Thank you.

You know, I'm pretty good
at reading people...

and it sounds like you and your lady
really need to talk this out.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

So I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

- I'm gay.
- Oh, my God.

Does she know?

Gotta save something
for the wedding night, huh?


Riley, no! Buster, please sit!

Dylan, help!

I can't.
These cats and dogs are fighting like-

- Oh!
- Okay, everybody, I'm sorry.

This was supposed to be a small service,
but I don't winnow down.

I overdo. And if I let a simple
fake cat funeral get out of hand...

how am I supposed to plan
an entire wedding?

You're late. Okay-

- I need Mitchell.
- Good news. He just pulled up.

Damn it. Okay, in, in, in.

Yes. Okay. And, please,
can somebody catch that thing?

Okay, all right, stay. Everyone just-

Hey! How was the gym?

I never made it.
Listen, Cam, I gotta talk about something.

I do too. What would you think about
being more involved with the wedding?

That's what I wanted to talk about.
I would love to.

Thank God. You know, I just think we're-
we're better together.

"Better together." Mmm, I like that.

I cannot be in a house with snakes.

- How bad is it?
- Gonna need about an hour.

Wow. Okay.

There you go.

I got you Sno-Caps...

'cause, you know, at the end,
they escape across the Alps.

- Thanks for ruining it.
- Calm down. The movie's 50 years old.

Making friends everywhere, aren't you?

Listen, you always say
express your feelings.

When I get mad, that's what I do.

Hello? Yeah, I can talk. My parents
dragged me into this stupid movie.

♪♪Go ahead, Jay. Feed him his phone.

You're telling me that doesn't bother you?

I can't hear you. Talk louder.

I'm just saying if we give in to every impulse,
we're no better than wild animals.

But if we push it down, it eats you alive.

Not if you just let it go.

The chick from that crapfest Mary Poppins.

That's it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

A lot of cold, lonely nights in that apartment
by myself while my mom was driving a taxi...

and only one thing kept me company.

So you got a problem with Poppins,
you got a problem with me.

Ay. Father, I am so sorry.

I didn't even know
that he could hold a fork.

No, no, no. I blame myself.

I probably shouldn't have taken his nose.

No, it's my family.

The girls are very chesty, but the men-
they're kissed by the devil.

Gloria, the fact
that you are so concerned...

is only proof that you are
a loving and caring mother.

It's the parents who shape the child.

And your son is growing up in a wonderful home.

- Die, scum!
- No, no, no!

Louder, like you did at the drive-through.

Mom, Jay and I saw Death Wish. Amazing.

Manny got in a fight
at The Sound of Music, got kicked out.

I've never been so proud.

Well, I guess every household
could use a little fine-tuning, huh?

- Let me give you my card with my cell number on it.
- Please.

And what did I do with my wallet?


I had yelled at Phil for not helping out,
and there he was...

doing exactly what I had asked him to do.

There's our zucchini. Up top, buddy.

For some other family.

You are so sweet for helping me with this.

How hurt you've been, Lorraine.

This is sweet. This is... normal.

- Phil?
- Diane?

- Hey, superstar.
- I thought I was superstar.

Oh, your husband
has been so wonderful to me.

He's not my husband. He's my Realtor.

- Oh, he's my Realtor.
- I'm both your Realtors.

- I'm just lucky to have such a-
- We're on our way to an open house.

Oh, is that why you couldn't show me
the colonial later?

I made that corn bread that you like.

We're gonna make it to that.
I just have to finish up with Lorraine.

- Oh, you mean, like, "get it over with"?
- No, I don't mean that.

And I thought zucchini bread was your favorite,
or why- why am I buying zucchini?

Hey, can't a guy like zucchini bread
and corn bread?

- Phil?
- Damn it.

- Ronnie!
- I thought you had a doctor's appointment.

That's why you had to miss
Darrell's swim meet.

- Who's she?
- Just another client.

- "Just another client"?
- No, that's- What is this?

Uh-oh. it is. it's my office.

Got to take it. Hello?

- Phil?
- Claire?

World's greatest Realtor!

What are you doing here?

Your hair is sweating.

That's 'cause I'm excited
to see my friends.

Let's go, buddy.

Are you all clients of Phil's?

- Apparently.
- Uh-oh.

You could not be in better hands.

I met Phil when I was
at such a rocky place in my life.

He was available to me
morning, noon and night.

Of course he found me my dream house,
but that wasn't the best part.

Phil taught me how to trust a man again...

and I think that was always his plan.

- That was always my plan.
- Mmm.

And it was not easy for me to trust a man
after the husband that I'd had.

This guys left tools in the yard,
let the kids run wild.

- Well, great to see you, Claire.
- He was always interrupting me.

And he wore the most ridiculous
sleep mask thing.

Oh, God! Sounds like such a diva.

- Yeah.
- Or he's photosensitive, which is a real condition.

He never took my advice.
You know, that's the worst part.

He never- He never said he was
sorry just one time.

I would kill to have heard,
"Claire, you were right."

She was right.


I do not love this side of you.

Thanks for winning my computer back.

And getting me all my money.
That was awesome.

Yeah, if only I had stopped there,
but I had to go back down.

I got greedy, and I was careless.

There's a story about that
I remember from school.

Icarus flew too close to his son.

I think their wings bumped.
One of them fell.

They might have been ducks.
Anyway, the lesson is...

is that you have to pay attention.

Or pay the ultimate price.

Shall we, my dear?

- Don't wait up.
- Wait up.