Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Farm Strong - full transcript

Cam's sister comes to town with good news, Phil and Claire agree to skip Luke's soccer game, Gloria refuses to admit she needs glasses, and Alex thinks Jay is cheating at Words With Friends.



Mmm.

Remember before we had kids...

when we could just lie in bed
on a Saturday?

That's how we got them.

Why did I have to be so sexy?

A few months ago, Luke joined a club soccer
team, and at first we were thrilled.

But then we realized
it takes over your whole weekend.

And not in the cool
MythBusters marathon way.

Luke sits on the bench a lot...

which means we sit in the hot sun
for, like, eight hours...

just to see him play five minutes.

But what a five minutes.
Tell 'em about last week.

Oh, yeah. Luke stopped a goal
with his face.

Yeah.

- Too bad he doesn't remember that.
- Yeah.

What if we sent Luke to the game
without us today?

- We can't do that.
- Why not?

Missing one tournament
doesn't make us bad parents.

My mom never went
to any of my stuff. I'm fine.

Why didn't she go to any of your stuff?

Because she was
an incredibly competitive woman...

who didn't like to see me
do very well at anything...

but I think it's pretty clear who won.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm working now, you know?

And I really need my weekends back
to catch up on errands.

I don't know. it just feels wrong.

Would it feel wrong
to use that robot gutter cleaner...

that's been sitting in the box
for the last three weeks?

- No, that would feel right. So right.
- Mm-hmm.

- Did I tell you I call it the Gutter Done?
- You did.

I love "Gutter Done."
it's your sense of humor. it's so fun.

Okay, stop drilling. You've struck oil.

But only if Luke's
a hundred percent cool with it.

Yeah. Course. I'm on it.

You know, if we're not going...

we could stay in bed a little longer.

- No, thank you.
- Okay.

Don't wanna have
this conversation again in 15 years.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing with those swatches?

She's gonna be here any minute.

I told you to put
all this wedding stuff away.

Are these really our top two choices
for color palette? Why are they both white?

That's what my friend Keisha
asked about you and Daddy.

Oh. instead of hiding all this stuff...

why don't you just tell Pam
we're getting married?

I will, when she's ready-

carefully and preferably
in a large, open field.

She's your sister, not the Hulk.

My big sister, Pam,
is emotionally fragile...

and she's still single,
so when she finds out...

I'm getting married before she is- Whoo!

Look out.

She can be meaner
than a barn owl at sunset.

Because that's when they wake up?

Yep. That's morning time for a barn owl.

it's her!

Quick, hide!

it's okay, Lily.

Oh, take that bow out of her hair.

I don't want to rub our daughter's adorableness
in my barren sister's face.

- There she is!
- Hey, Pam!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, the damn airline lost my trunk.

Now I'm gonna have to make new clothes.

- Oh, no.
- Yep.

I need to squeeze something.
Get over here, Lily.

- I'm good.
- Yeah, well, she's shy.

So, Pam, we got some big news.

Speaking of big news-

You remember that little ugly girl
I used to babysit- Britney Horner?

- Yeah.
- Well, she got married last summer...

and now she's pregnant with twins.

So, if you're keeping track,
that's ugly 2, me nothing.

What's your news?

- Um-
- Well-

- We're getting a new dryer.
- Oh.

Well, I'm very happy for y'all.

- Thank you.
- How come I never get a new dryer?

Mom, in all the time
you've known Grandpa...

has he ever used the word "fluxions"?

That is not an F-word I've heard him use.

He's beating me in Words With Friends.
How is that even possible?

Shouldn't you be playing
Words With Friends with friends?

- Grandpa is my friend.
- Oh, of course he is.

That's not sad. What?

Morning, buddy. What's with the pillow?

It's for soccer. My neck gets pretty tired
watching all those games.

Right. Yeah, I'll bet.

Say, listen, your dad and I
were just talking...

about you maybe wanting
to go to the game without us today.

- Oh.
- But it's totally up to you.

Whatever you want,
because we love you very much.

Right. You can either ride
with some of your teammates...

like the L.A. Kings,
or you can ride with us...

like Gloria and Grandpa
take Joe to playdates.

Professional athlete,
little poopy baby- Your call.

- I'll get a ride from Max.
- Great.

- You sure it's okay?
- Yeah, it's fine. Hey, can I borrow your sleep mask?

- You bet.
- Awesome.

Yes! I love that kid.

Can you imagine how easy it would be
if it was just him?

- Mmm.
- I mean-

I know what you mean.

You call that folded?
Where's that military precision?

We didn't fold many Onesies in the navy.

I'm back!

What did the doctor say?

He said my eyes are perfect.

Where was he looking when he said it?

Pretty sure Gloria needs glasses.

The last couple of months
she's been struggling.

¡Ay.!

I'll take this one. it looks very good.

That's their address, Magoo.

- Did he even give you an eye test?
- He put the spoon in one eye...

the spoon in the other eye,
the poof-poof, the eye drops.

20/20. Now who's the Magoo?

What the hell language was that?

Did you see that fresh coat of nail polish?
She never went to the doctor.

- Why would she lie?
- She's vain, Manny.

She doesn't want to wear glasses.

Well, she's only hurting herself.

Okay, I hope you're hungry.

Starving.
That damn airline ran out of roast beef.

Tried to fast-talk me
into eating something called hoo-mus.

Oh, hummus.
It's actually really delicious.

You would like the- Uh- Oh.

- What's this?
- Oh, uh- That's an action figure.

- It's two grooms.
- They melted together in the car on a very, very hot day.

- It was 103.
- My daddies are getting married.

Your dads are getting married?

That can't be right.

That's what my friend Keisha says.

- Is this true?
- Pam, honest to goodness, we were gonna tell you.

- Get over here, you.
- Hey, hey!

She's got me.

Damn!

This is the greatest news I've ever heard!

Oh, I am so happy
to hear you say that, Pam.

Of course! Oh!

- I want my baby brother to be happy.
- Oh!

And as long as we're sharing,
I have some news-

You remember Bo Johnson?

Oh, my gosh, how could I forget?
Oh! He was my first crush.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Please tell me nothing happened
to his face.

- What did he fall into?
- He fell into me.

- We're engaged!
- Say what?

Bo and I are getting married!

That is fantastic!
Cam, isn't this great news?

Come here, you. Oh!

Yeah. So great.

Oh! Get in on this! Come on!

- Oh!
- Whoo!

Thank you for jumping.

I didn't feel guilty
for missing Luke's soccer tournament...

because I had a ton of errands
I figured would take me all day to finish.

But for some weird reason,
I was flying through my list.

I ended up in every short line.
I made every green light.

It was the ultimate karmic bitch-slap.

Because suddenly I had no more errands...

which meant no more excuses...

which meant me at
that boring soccer tournament.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Hi. There you are.
Your son is playing so great.

- No, I'm Luke's mom.
- No, I know.

- He's been amazing all day.
- Luke?

- Oh! Luke?
- Here, you want one?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm coffeed out.

Oh, honey, it's sangria.

Well, all right.

Okay, that's it. Grandpa's cheating.

On Gloria?
How could he possibly do better?

No, not on Gloria. On this game.

I've never lost it to anyone.

Keep playing word games with Grandpa,
and you never will.

- Hey, girls!
- Hey.

- What is that thing?
- What do they call it...

or what should they have called it?

- Never mind.
- Uh, wait, wait, wait.

It's a gutter cleaner.

Ladies, I give you the future.

How many times have you girls
seen me fall off this ladder?

Now that's gonna happen less.

Looks like your gutter cleaner
is stuck on something.

Not a problem. This baby detects blockage
and then ramps up the power.

That's why I've nicknamed it
the Gutter Done.

- Stop!
- Dad!

Sorry, it's such a missed opportunity.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

- What? What happened?
- It's a bird's nest!

- No!
- And they're all dead!

- Oh, my-
- You killed them!

It wasn't me! it was the robot!

- Oh, my God!
- Look at it. it doesn't know!

- Oh, my God!
- Gross, gross, gross!

I'm sorry!

- Mom! Mom! Help!
- What? What happened?!

I just ate a handful of this rat poison!

- Why?
- I thought it was trail mix.

- Why do I keep it so close together?
- I'll call 911 !

Here, read the box!

Tell me what it says to do! Hurry!

- It says-
- 'Cause I don't have much time!

In the-

And I'm dead.

- What? - You'd rather kill your
husband than admit you need glasses.

- Wow, Mom.
- There's no poison?

Oh, there's rat poison, and I do keep it
dangerously close to the trail mix...

but this was to point out
that your vanity could be fatal.

I knew this was all a trick.

That's why I acted
like I couldn't read that box!

How many people
have to pretend to die, Gloria?

It just doesn't make any sense.

Pam and Bo Johnson? My Bo Johnson?

"My"? Should it bother me
that you're this jealous of an old crush?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Bo is straight.

He'd probably never go for me.

Oh, my gosh. it is Bo.

Look. He's hotter than ever.

Mmm-mm-mm-mm.

- I'm gonna answer it.
- No, you can't.

Yes, I can. We're practically family.

Hey, dude. it's Cam.

Where?

Been good. Been real, real good.

Uh-huh. So, you and Pam, huh?

Hey, better be good to my old sis,
or I'll have to wrestle you down.

- Oh, my God.
- Hey, question-

Do you still have that friendship bracelet
that I made for ya?

Oh, okay. Yeah, okay.

If you're busy,
I'll have Pam call you back. Uh-huh.

Hey, and, Bo, congratulations.

You too.

Can you believe it?

- Oh, and we're gay again.
- It just doesn't make sense.

I mean, he's got to be
after our drilling rights.

I knew it.

This is why I didn't want to tell you.

I knew you couldn't stand the thought of
me landing the man of your dreams.

- "Dreams" is strong.
- Believe it or not, Bo and I are in love.

He thinks I'm beautiful, and he's right.

And for the record,
Bo has twice the land we do.

He has absolutely no interest
in my drilling rights.

- Not that kind, at least.
- Okay, let's just relax. Hey.

Come on, Pam.
Do you wanna pick me up again?

- They warned me, you know.
- Who warned you?

The whole family said
you wouldn't take it well.

Ever since you moved to the city
'cause you couldn't hack it on the farm.

- Couldn't hack it?
- Yeah, that's right.

Everyone knows, Cam.
You're not farm strong.

- You take that back, Pameron Jessica Tucker!
- I will not!

You are weak and weepy.

That's why we can't ever say
anything to you...

'cause we know you'll crumble
into a big heaping mess!

Oh, are you saying I'm the one people have to step around?
That I'm the Pam of the family?

You mean the Cam of the family?
'Cause that's what we all call it!

- Okay, that's enough!
- Oh, yeah? Well, I was Gammy's favorite!

- Really?
- Yeah!

Come on! Enough! No!

Seriously, Pameron?

Oh! Way to go, Luke!

Kid's amazing.

So great, right? Hello?

- Claire?
- Phil?

Oh, hi, honey. I was-
I was just about to call you.

I killed a bunch of baby birds.

- What?
- Myrobot wiped out the nest...

and now the mom's just staring at me.

They recognize faces, you know.
I saw it in a documentary.

Sweetie, I'm sure it was just an accident.

None of this would've happened
if we'd gone to Luke's game.

- We're terrible parents for not going
- No, no.

Is that a whistle? Where are you?

Um, I-I'm just walking by
a construction site.

Pervs!

Sorry. Sorry. Not you.

I hope Luke's not mad at us.

No, he's fine, honey.

Or he's not.
He-He could be mad. We don't know.

We won't- We won't know.
I'lI-i'll be home soon though.

I love you. Okay, bye-bye.

Thank you. it was great.

Hey, Luke, Luke, Luke.

Don't tell your dad I was here, all right?
Great game.

Claire?

Claire?

Say good night to Daddy.

Mwah. Good night, my boy.

Hey, Grandpa, great word
you played earlier today.

What does "syzygy" even mean?

It means 45 points. Ha!

Hey, everybody.
You remember my sister Pam?

- Oh, hi, Pam.
- She's here to pay a visit and cast aspersions.

- Oh, grow up.
- You grow up.

Real good one.

Hi, y'all. I brought boar.

Oh. Well, let me
give you a hand with that.

Cam, look. I know you're upset,
but please just try and let it go tonight.

Can you believe she said I'm the emotionally fragile one?
I mean, how crazy is that?

- Boy!
- "Boy"?

- Is that your thinly veiled way of
saying you agree with her? - Pfft.

You know what? if I was fragile,
I would care, but I'm not, so I don't.

- Good.
- Good. And you know what?

That shirt washes you out, so don't be shocked
when someone mistakes you for a beige candle.

Hey, everyone.

- Hi, Luke.
- Hey, buddy.

I'm so sorry I missed your game.

We are both so sorry we missed your game.

The universe punished me.
I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.

Actually, it's not a bunch of crows.
It's called a murder.

- I know what I did!
- How was your game?

Fine. Nothing special.

What do you mean, "Fine, nothing special"?

Well, there was this girl on the 16-year-old team
who wasn't wearing a bra.

- So that was cool.
- Huh.

Josh's mom texted me.
She said you were having a great game.

She drinks.

I-i'll be right back.

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, Pam.

Oh. Sorry.

it's my parents again.
I'm getting married soon...

and they're already acting like they have
empty nest syndrome.

I appreciate you not saying anything
to your dad about me being there...

but why aren't you telling him
what a great game you played?

I can tell he feels bad enough
for missing it.

I don't want to make him feel worse.

Oh, I screwed up.

Why? What's wrong?

I talked Phil into skipping Luke's game,
and then I went.

And of course he played
the game of his life.

But Luke doesn't want to tell Phil
about the game now...

because he doesn't want
to hurt his feelings.

Oh, well, I think it's sweet
that Luke's protecting Phil.

You know, we all have to protect my sister
in my family because she's such a disaster.

- Mmm.
- I mean, you can see it, right?

Did think it was a little weird
she brought pig to a party.

Hey! I can say it.

Hey, hon.

I'm sorry about what I did before.

I saw this, and I thought
it would look beautiful on you.

Ay.

You know I can't stay mad at you
when you buy me... glasses?

- You son of a bitch!
- Just try 'em on. You'll still look gorgeous.

I will try them on
when you buy hearing aids!

There's nothing wrong with my hearing.

Um, I have a, uh,
hearing test app on my phone.

Let's do it!

- You do it!
- Okay.

Everybody under the age of 60 should be able to hear this.

Yeah, definitely.

What? You're lying.
You didn't hear anything.

We did. You see, you're deaf.

Okay, 70.

Did she put you up to this?

Here, Grandpa, I'll play you
something even louder.

- Okay. I heard that one.
- I didn't press anything.

Oh, look who's a cheater.

Don't worry about it, big guy.
I have trouble smelling lemons.

You know, I don't need any of this.

But I'll tell you
what I can hear loud and clear.

The sound of you all munching free food.

Oh, come on, Dad.
Aren't you being a little oversensitive?

Oh, well, we can consult my sister Pam.

- She's the self-appointed sensitivity expert.
- Uh-oh.

- Oh, let it go.
- I will not let it go.

In fact, I would like everyone to be honest
with me, please, right now. No sugarcoating.

My sister here seems to think you all
have to walk on eggshells around me.

- Eggshells.
- Do you all think I'm so fragile...

you can't tell me things
for fear of how I will react?

- Well-
- Claire, don't. Zip. Bup, bup, bup.

No. Let her talk, please.
Claire, you have the floor.

W-Well, you're not not fragile.

Okay. Well, why don't you
give me an example...

of something you haven't told me
because you were worried I couldn't handle it?

Go on.

All right.

Last week when we were
supposed to have lunch and you canceled-

Mm-hmm.

Beyoncé was at the restaurant.

Okay. Uh, the singer or Pepper's dog?

The singer.

And when I was leaving,
I-I stopped and I said hello to her...

and we chatted for, like, 10 minutes.

Okay, that's great.
I'm glad you had that experience.

I mean, I don't know
what you talked to her about...

seeing that you don't know
any of her songs...

other than "Single Ladies,"
which everyone knows.

- Love that song.
- I'm surprised you can hear it.

Well, this was fun.
Who's hungry? Hey, where's that boar?

- Okay, anyone else?
- Well, since we're coming clean...

you overuse the word "divine."

it's just an ice cream sandwich.

You're the boy who cried "divine."

Okay. Was not aware of that.
Duly noted.

Hey, I got one! Remember that blue
rotary phone you gave me for Christmas?

- Yes.
- I tossed it.

Okay. May I ask the reason?

It made me feel like Ann-Margret
in Bye Bye Birdie.

Why?

Okay, anyone else?

I don't really like the shirts
with the crazy cuffs.

I'm sorry. Can you push your boobs down,
because I couldn't hear you.

- Here we go.
- No, no. Here we don't go.

This is fine. I'm fine, okay?

Sometimes when you read to me...

I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go.

- Heard that one.
- Well, I heard you all loud and clear.

- I have to use the restroom.
- So, Cam, you're sensitive. Big deal.

- It's one of your best qualities.
- Thank you, Phil...

and I'm sorry your Beyoncé-loving wife
went to Luke's game without you.

See?

Farm strong.

You went to Luke's game?

I did, Phil, and I am so sorry.
I did not mean to.

But then he started playing the most
amazing game, and I got so wrapped up in it.

- I know I should have called.
- Yeah, you should've called. You were amazing?

Oh, he was incredible.
I wish you'd been there.

Then why'd you make me skip it?
I knew you had it in you!

Oh, Coach said he's gonna start next week.

You're starting?
I'm so mad at you! I'm so proud of you!

Hey. How are you doing in here?

Fine. I'm a little embarrassed
about my outburst, but otherwise-

Oh. You had a lot to take in.

As a lawyer, I should've told you...

never ask questions
you don't want the answer to.

Am I really that much of a mess?

Are you not listening to me?

Hey. Room in here for me?

Not really.

Look, I'm real sorry I said what I said.

No, no, you're right.
I am the Cam of the family.

Apparently, I'm the Cam
of two families, so-

So what if you go a little cuckoo
when you get bad news?

You also go all cuckoo
when you hear good news.

It's one of the things
I love most about you.

No, that's- that's true. You're the first person
I call when I have good news.

I mean, remember when I got
my adult braces removed?

Your teeth looked divi- divine.

See? I can't help it. I'm a celebrator.

Of course you are.

I should have celebrated how lucky Bo is
to land a great gal like you.

Aww.

Look at me. I'm crying like a Cam.

Sorry, old habits.

Are you mad because I embarrassed you?

Forget about it.
And I'm gonna ease up on the glasses too.

It's just that I worry, you know-

your not seeing everything.

I'm getting old, Jay.

When Manny was little, I used to run around
with him all day without getting tired.

Today at Joe's baby class, a six-year-old
had to pull me out of the ball pit.

Hold on. Manny used to run around?

All the mothers are so young and perky.

I hate being the oldest one there.

Well, I, for one,
love that you're getting older.

It makes me feel closer to you.

So you'll like it if I get
all wrinkly and saggy?

- Well, I wouldn't make it a goal.
- Okay, I'll wear them.

What?

Nothing.

You have lines there.

I can see them very clearly now
with these-

Okay, okay. These are just for reading.

I won't be able to hear her.
She won't be able to see me.

We'll be together forever.

Congratulations.
You officially beat me in Words With Friends.

Better luck next time, kid.

Okay, I have to ask- Did you cheat?

- Is that how you won?
- I never took you for a sore loser.

- That's not an answer.
- Listen, one day you might be...

the smartest person in this family,
but today is not that day.

So tread lightly
before you assiduously malign...

the veracity of my etymological prowess.

Jay Pritchett out.

- You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
- Damn it!