Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - First Days - full transcript

Manny and Luke have their first day of high school, Cam works as a substitute social studies teacher, Claire begins her new job working for her dad, and Mitchell's boss hits on Haley.


Traditional first day of school pancakes.

- Whipped-cream smile?
- Dad, I'm in high school now.

Just put it in my mouth.

Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.

Hey, save some of that
bossing people around for the office, lady.

After a 20-year vacation...

Claire is rejoining the workforce.

Not a vacation. But I am starting a job
at my dad's closet company.

He's kind of grooming me to take over.

- I have a background in marketing.
- I'm so proud of her.

Oh, uh, speaking of marketing,
we're out of milk.

- I'm actually kind of nervous.
- You're gonna be great.

And remember, if you get into a jam,
just do the impression I taught you.

Hey, you can hang your clothes in me.

Christopher Walk-in Closet.

- I'm not doing that.
- Okay, relax, Mom. You're working for Grandpa.

It's not even a real job.
It's like that summer when I worked for Dad.

He was just trying to make me feel good
about myself. He didn't really need my help.

That's not true. I needed your help
distributing all those fliers.

And I did. Wink, wink.

How are you already doing homework?

It's junior year.
I have to get good grades.

Don't you know how competitive
it is out there? Stop pressuring me!

You know, this is what happens to kids
when they're not sexually active.

- Don't you have some studying to do?
- Oh, please.

It's community college.
They tell you to bring a glue stick.

Hello.

Yes, this is he. Him. Me.

- Right the first time.
- I'll be right there.

Mitchell, that was it.
That was the call. I'm going in.

Due to budget cuts, my position as middle
school music teacher has been eliminated...

so I've been working as a high school sub.

- Ka-ching!
- I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action.

I'm kind of like Batman.

But except for a Bat-Signal,
I get a phone call.

Yeah. You found the one difference.

I hate to miss her first day,
but do you mind taking Lily to school?

Oh, Cam, today?
I gotta prep for my meeting with Charlie.

I only get him for an hour
between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.

Okay, you need to confront him
and tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis...

is making it impossible
for you to do your job.

Because he responds so well to criticism.

No. He'll fire me, and then we'll end up
having to get married in your family's barn.

Oh, well, we need to book that soon,
because spring is hoedown season...

and then you get right
into summer stock, so-

I don't believe any of that.
If I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry.

Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.

Hey, I've been dressed for an hour.

Come on.
I can't be late. I'll fall behind.

Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Buddy, I know a new school
can be scary, so a little advice-

every time you meet someone new,
pay them a compliment.

Hey. Like, um, "I love your hair."

"Awesome kicks."
"You have a beautiful smile."

Okay, Dad. I'll tell that big guy over there
that he's got a beautiful smile.

Fine. Skin, cheekbones- make it your own.

Um, could you maybe not
walk me all the way in?

- What?
- I've got it from here.

Oh. Sure. Yeah. Okay.

Give your dad a- Off you go.

Alex! Hey.

Ay. Manny, why are you so quiet?

Are you nervous
because of your first day in high school?

Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia,
I'm a changed man.

Oh, my God. What did you see?

Nothing. But I am
an international jet-setter now.

- I'm sophisticated.
- And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?

If not, I still have
my "unaccompanied minor" sign.

Ay. I cannot believe that my little baby's
going to the high school.

Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me.

It's my first day too. I could use a hug.

- Go!
- Hey, Gloria.

- Hi, Phil.
- First day of high school, huh?

Manny excited?

- Ay. he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing.
- Oh.

Ay. but he does that too...

when he's depressed, so now I don't know.

- How was Luke?
- Great. Yeah.

He had a hard time saying good-bye, but-

Um, anyway, I think
I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee.

- Can I go with you?
- Yeah.

Dude, I'm kind of working something here.

How many trucks would that take?

Uh-huh. Give me a minute, Fred. New girl just walked in.

That's disgusting. She's my daughter.

- Oh.
- Sweetheart! You look terrific.

Are you sure?
'Cause I have another blouse in here.

It's the only thing in here.
That and a pair of glasses...

in case I need to read something
or look smarter.

Relax. it's your first day.

Impossible to blow it. What are those?

- Oh, cookies. I made 'em for the office.
- Huge mistake.

Fred, two more seconds.
I got a situation here.

Put the cookies down.

- Why?
- You're management.

Makes you look desperate. Makes you
look like you want everyone to like you.

- I do want everyone to like me.
- You want everyone to respect you.

You gotta be tough, keep your distance.

Well, maybe we are
different kinds of managers.

Yeah. I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.

Look at you, my big first-grader.

All right, I want you to make
so many friends and have so much fun-

Got to go! Can't wait to learn!

- Be careful!
- What?

Nothing.

Please do not be late. Let's go.

- Looking good.
- Uh, Principal Brown?

- Yes?
- Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker. I was called in to sub today.

Oh, yeah.
You're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.

- Hello.
- She has come down with a sudden case of rehab.

- Oh. - So do a good job, 'cause
this could be a permanent position.

Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest,
because I'm about to bedazzling you.

I don't know what that means, but okay.

So what am I teaching?

A. P. history.

Oh.

I desperately wanted that job.

There was just one problem-
I don't know much about history.

- Mm. Do you know much biology?
- Not now, Mitchell.

What about your science book
or the French you took?

- You're lucky I love you.
- And I know that if you love me too-

♪ What a wonderful world
this would be ♪

- I really was in a jam though.
- Yeah.

My dad thinks that
he can motivate his workers...

by being a cold, distant authority figure.

Well, if his style is so effective,
riddle me this-

why don't I listen to him?

it's been a while, then he's like-

Hey. Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire.

It's my first day,
so I thought I'd say hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Amazing. You guys are actually hanging out
by the water cooler.

I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.

I'm-I'm so sorry.
I- I-I-I was just doin' a thang.

You know, like-

Anyway, um-

My door's always open... to everyone.

- That's Pritchett's daughter.
- Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that.

I'm-I'm a friend. I'm a colleague.

I'm just like you. I'm Claire.
You know, worker bee. Just-

Great to meet you.

Sorry to interrupt, and see you around.

I do. I gotta do this one.

Who am I?

You can hang your clothes in me.

Christopher Walk-in Closet.

We all know where we're gonna start-

What is this?

Oh, sorry, folks.
It's closed. We're shooting a commercial.

- So annoying.
- Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.

Actually, we're short a couple of extras.

How would you two like to be in it?

- Yes!
- That sounds amazing.

Hey, um, I see a couple of old people.

This isn't one of those
catheter commercials, is it?

'Cause if it gets too descriptive,
I'm gonna squirm.

I just did it to myself.

I did my best
to cram for my lecture...

On the Revolutionary War,
but-

AIl those names and dates?
It's all so dry.

Where's the drama?

- Good morrow.
- Oh, boy.

Well, what is
all this strange garb you adorn?

Are you trappers
from the Canadian provinces?

Are you here to sell your beavers?

Who are you?

The 64-pence question.

I crossed the Delaware
during the Revolutionary War.

I spent a brutal winter in Valley Forge.

- Who am I?
- I-I have no idea.

I-i swear I don't know who this man is.

I'm George Washington, of course.

Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover
Native Americans on the eve of colonization.

Yes. Native Americans. Indians.

A majestic, peaceful people who lived off
the land and cried when they saw litter.

The textbook says many tribes
were often at war...

with allegiances shifting all of the-

Shifting all the time.

So were the Indians friends
with the colonists or not?

Ah, yes. I know one Indian...

who was friends with a construction worker,
biker and traffic cop.

Uh, do y- Nothing? Seriously, nothing?

Okay, your parents
are gonna love that joke.

Okay, Pritchett, I'm here.

You got a half hour. I have my helicopter
standing by on the roof.

- Is it even built for that?
- No. That's why you only have a half hour.

I'm not sure that's enough time.
We have a ton to cover.

We need to talk about new lease agreements
and the workers' comp package.

29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.

- Daddy, I'm bored.
- Whoa.

Me too. This is why I shouldn't
come into work between vacations.

Why don't you sit at Natalie's desk
and pretend to be my assistant, sweetie?

Sorry about that.
My niece is coming to pick her up.

Lily had an incident
at school today where she-

Hey, Pritchett. You're not some
hot single mom I'm trying to seduce...

- so I don't need to hear about your kid.
- Fair enough.

So lease agreements. Okay. I'm getting
some pushback on the Miami location.

Mr. Pritchett,
I have a Haley here to see you.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Hi, sweetheart.

I'm in the middle of a meeting
with my boss...

- but thank you so much for helping me out.
- No problem.

My last class is a pass/fail,
and it's community college, so it's pass.

Hey. Charlie Bingham.

Wow. Look at your eyes.

Oh, I-I can't.

I like you.

What do you think of these pants?

It's part of our new collection.

- It's, uh, a lot of zippers.
- It's too many, right?

And they poke into my thigh
when I'm in my helicopter.

- Oh.
- I have a helicopter. It's not a big deal.

- Okay. So, anyway, thank you.
- You seem to know a lot about fashion.

I'd like to get your opinion
on a few things.

- Sure.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Actually, no. She needs to stay and watch Lily.

- Yeah. You can do that.
- Oh.

Hey, princess. Hey. I love kids.

Daddy's office.

You sound like a little girl.

- Hey. You wanted to see me?
- Thanks for bzzzing by.

I hope you weren't in
the middle of a thang.

Okay. That did get a little away from me.

But to be fair, I broke the ice.

Everybody thinks you're a dummy.

Not everybody. No. As a matter of fact...

one of the guys in the break room
asked me to lunch.

- Don't say Todd.
- His name is Todd. Oh, no.

You cannot go to lunch with Todd.

- Why not?
- You can't be associated with him.

Up until an hour ago,
he was the office weirdo.

But he was nice to me,
and he helped me set up my computer.

Yeah, that's his job. For now.

- What does that mean?
- I'm firing him as soon as I can find an I.T. guy...

who shows up on time
and doesn't creep out the office.

I can't cancel on the one person
who was nice to me.

You can, but you won't, 'cause you're the type
of person who brings cookies to the office.

- Where are they?
- Okay, we're done here.

Okay, folks, you're just having
a normal conversation.

A typical day in a coffee shop, right?

Roger that.

Here we go, guys. And... action.

How have you been, Roy?

Ah, a little down.

Helen and I really miss the kids...

but we just can't afford
to visit them right now.

- Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
- What's that?

- Mmm, this coffee's delicious!
- Well, you have equity in your home, right?

All right. You two in the back?

We can hear you, so just, uh, mime.

Mime. Mime. I knew that. I was already
doing that. So just follow my lead.

Okay, sorry, sorry. We'll do it again.

But everything else is okay?

You haven't done anything else.

- So yeah?
- Back to one, you guys.

- Action!
- How have you been, Roy?

Ah, a little down.

Helen and I really miss the kids...

but we just can't afford
to visit them right now.

- Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
- What's that?

- Well, you have equity in your home, right?
- Sure, we do.

What are they doing?
Is she answering an imaginary phone?

Oh, that sounds too good to be true.

Don't take my word for it.

Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.

Okay, cut!

Couple in the back.

Yep. No, I know, I know. Bigger?

The Native Americans and the settlers...

had two completely different ideas
of land ownership.

Eventually, these differences
would lead to war.

Oh.

Look- goose bumps.

Okay. Yes. Uh, class dismissed.

Yeah. We did it!
Thank you so much for stepping in.

Oh, and I promise tomorrow
I will do my best to be more prepared.

Tomorrow?
Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?

Well, I don't want to be indelicate...

but the good news is I might be
your permanent teacher.

I don't want you to be
my permanent teacher.

- You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?
- Listen to me.

I've worked nonstop
to build the perfect academic record...

and I'm not going to let you
screw it up now.

I have an A. P. test in 160 days,
and I need to ace it.

Can you get me there or not?

I can rally like the brave men
of the Alamo.

You do realize that all the men
of the Alamo die-

They all died.

Ruthie's older,
so she thinks she's the boss.

- Mm-hmm.
- But for a little guy, Stu holds his own.

- Hmm.
- They can be a handful...

but, God, they make me laugh
so hard, you know?

Wow. I did not know you could even tell
the gender of a turtle.

Oh, yeah. it's called sexing the turtle,
and it's an eight-step process.

Now let's pretend your hand is a turtle.

What you do is you flip it over,
and then you have to look right in-

Oh, okay. I get it.
I get it. I think I get it.

I know. I'm droning on, aren't I?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Please stop.
- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Please stop! You're not. You're not.

I am. But enough about my family.
Tell me about yours.

All right. Well, my husband, Phil,
is a Realtor.

That's funny. I'm buying a house.

Why? When?

Actually, we have
the final walk-through today...

sign the papers tomorrow.

Mmm. That-That's a really big deal, Todd.

Yeah, and it's a bit
of a stretch for us too, but, uh-

No. The time is right.
We're just- We're gonna do it.

"We" is y-you and the turtles?

No. Me and my wife.

Oh, wi- I'm sorry.
You didn't mention your wife. That's great.

I bet she's got a big, fancy,
high-paying job, right?

Uh, she's getting her master's.

- In?
- Latin.

Oh, Todd.

This may not be
the best time to buy a house.

I hate to be the one to break this to you-

- No, no, no, no. I got this.
- No, you don't.

Standing by, everyone.

I really felt like I nailed that last one.

I still feel so stiff.

I don't know what to pretend saying.

You're thinking too much.
Just draw from your own life.

- Like, how was your day today?
- Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.

Okay. So use that.

My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson...

is also sad because his son
wouldn't take his advice.

And he wanted to be dropped off
a block away from school.

I mean, he expected that from his daughters
but thought his son would be different.

- That's so sad.
- But Dr. Stephen Wilson...

is not going to let that ruin
breakfast with his mistress.

You know,
maybe it's just time for us to-

to accept that we have to let them go.

Maybe it is.

Okay, everyone, here we go!

We're rolling. And action.

How have you been, Roy?

A little down.

Helen and I really miss the kids...

but we just can't afford to visit them right now.

Have you considered a reverse mortgage?

- What's that?
- Uh, you have equity in your home, right?

- Sure, we do.
- Don't cry. You're gonna make me cry too.

Essentially, the bank buys your house-

but you still get to live in it.

That sounds too good to be true.

Oh, don't take my word for it.

Here's Henry Winkler to tell us more.

I don't want the Fonz to see me like this.

It's a prototype. it can withstand...

the most extreme temperatures
on the planet...

it's waterproof and it wicks sweat.

- It also repels women.
- I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight! Ah!

- Actually, it doesn't burn.
- Anyway, if we could get back to the lease agreements here.

- You're amazing. How would you fix it?
- It's too boxy.

- Probably have to take it in here-
- Right.

- And here.
- Yeah. I probably overdo it in the gym.

Stupid seven percent body fat.

- Okay. So getting back to work.
- We are working.

Why are we working? I got to go to Cabo.

- Hey, you wanna come with me?
- Oh, I've, uh, never been to Cabo.

Yeah, she's not going to Cabo,
'cause she's half your age.

- How old are you?
- Who cares? Pretty soon I'm gonna look 20.

I've been meditating
in one of those pressurized eggs.

Well, if I went to Cabo,
what would the sleeping situation be?

- Not much.
- Okay. That is enough!

No! No! She is my niece!

Okay? This pathetic midlife crisis of yours
is hurting the company...

and I'm getting so sick
of cleaning up your messes.

You-You need to focus,
and you need to start acting your age.

Your-Your real age, not your egg age.

Huh. Normally, if someone
talked to me that way, I'd fire him.

But I respect your honesty.
I respect your passion.

It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.

- Just focus.
- You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

What's that creaking?

Set! Hike!

Hey, you're going the wrong way.

That's the wrong way!
No. Wait. I'm sorry. You're right.

Uh, excuse me. Principal Brown?

Yikes. You know,
most subs just play a movie.

All right.
Do something different, guys.

Uh, listen. I can't be
your history teacher.

Those kids work so hard...

and they deserve someone who knows
the material and can inspire them, so-

if you say so.

I was wondering- What kind of play
was that you were running?

- Was that supposed to be a slant?
- The freshman coach quit.

I'm just a glorified babysitter.

Well, your receiver needs
to learn to run his routes...

or the quarterback's
never gonna be able to hit him.

- L-l played in college.
- Oh. Okay.

Hey, Tyler,
you need to learn to run your routes.

What routes?

- Yeah, what routes?
- Um-

Well, you're gonna line up here.

Take three steps- one, two, three.

Plant right,
open left 45 degrees up the field.

Okay. Why don't we try it again?
Try it again!

Tip! Put some zip on the ball, 18!

Hut, hut, hike!

Hit him!

Better. Better. Good job.

Circle it back up.

All right.
Anyway, thank you for the opportunity.

Hey, hey.
How would you like to take over this team?

Well- Well, that's an interesting offer.
How much does it pay?

- Nothing.
- Are you firm on that?

Yeah, but there's
a gym teacher position available.

- It's all yours if you coach.
- Can I wear shorts?

Yeah. And you get a whistle too.

Well, I always get a whistle
when I wear shorts.

I humbly accept your offer.
Huddle up, boys!

Let's go! Hustle!
Do you know what hustle means, 10?

It really wasn't bad. Todd is a very
interesting guy when you get to know him.

Did he tell you about his turtles,
Little Lulu and Stan?

Ruthie and Stu.

That's the name he picks? "Turtle Stu"?

Idiot!

There was one little situation
that came up...

but I think I handled it pretty well.

- He's about to make a big-
- Hold on.

Margaret, why can't I log in here?

What's wrong with my computer?

The whole system's down.
No one can access files. We can't get online.

- Where's Todd?
- We can't find him anywhere, and his Yaris is gone.

- Where are my files?
- What the hell?

I-I might know
a little something about this.

What did you do?

- Kind of told Todd that you were gonna fire him.
- What?

I had to.
Dad, he's about to buy a house.

But he was fine with it.
He hugged me and thanked me...

and told me that it gave him time
to make a plan.

Oh.

Gentlemen, today's a new beginning...

and that can be scary.

How did it go, Mr. Jet-Setter?

Good. Really good.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

I'm gonna ask things of you
that may not make sense right now-

- See you tomorrow, Luke.
- Not if I see you first.

There it is. There's that smile.

but they will.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.

- We're at school.
- Yep.

Success is not guaranteed

It is not handed to you

Success is earned

How's that data entry going?

Good. I am up to 1998.

Ah. That's when I'd already
been doing the job 20 years.

So maybe I should listen to you.

Get you home a lot earlier.

Thanks, boss.

Today we are forging a new path, people.

The only thing we have to fear
is fear itself!

- Wrong president!
- Just keep pushing!

Okay.